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27- [Back of envelope- “I meant all - but promise not to get this low more than twice a month”] Thursday [10/12] 7:30 P.M. My darling:- I've hit a new low tonight - probably because I've had no mail from you in so long - Thought at least when you left, I’d have mail to look forward to, but it seems I'm not even to have that. I'm so very tired of it all - Perhaps I am a weakling, right now I don't care who knows it. I'm so very tired - all I do know is that I want you, and none of this pseudo-life everyone says I must build for myself. I want life, not some of that ersatz product of this damn war. I thought I must be all cried out, but still the tears come 'til I wonder what's the use of it all - why go on living in this hell, for a future that isn't going to be any better, and which we won't ever see. Why kid ourselves, wars have been going on for centuries, and just because we in the 20th century decide that wars must cease is no guarantee that [pg 2] they will. We are fighting against human nature - might as well smash our heads against a stone wall and be done with it. At 23, I'm desperately tired physically and mentally - grateful for the 21 months of happiness I've had with you my dearest one. If I had known a year ago the horrors I'm going thru now, I don't think I would have wanted to bring a child into the world, to perhaps suffer as I am. No, it isn't something you get over, or that is eased in time no matter how many kind friends write sympathetic letters, and no matter how many others nod wisely, and tell you you must be brave. I don't want sympathy, I don't want to be brave, I don't want any of it. All I want is to be with you - not with an insurmountable mountain of time - I'm tired of making a pretense of keeping an empty house, and living an empty life. At reading alone all night and staring dumbly into space. My conscience tells me I shouldn't write you of these things - my heart tells differently. I'm worn out butter, and cynical - [pg 3] all the things I've always hated - and without you I don't much care. My love for you completely overpowers me, and now without you I feel like a vacuum - hollow and lifeless. To show you that I am still rational, I will tell you that we did go to Monterey with Marjorie and Jeff - that we went to the Presidio, came home and Wendy had her pablum and milk, and I had my half cantaloupe. Now, I shall read some more - great companions books - only they aren't alive - they try awfully hard, but they just don't get there - and all I'm getting from them now is a severe headache from bothering them too much. No, I haven't had anything to drink - perhaps if I got roaring drunk I’d feel better, but why waste the liquor, when I’d probably just get violently ill. Well this letter is no morale builder for either of us - try to understand darling - I love you so much - Bobby [pg 5] After reading this letter, I can't mail it without asking forgiveness for burdening you with things you can't do anything about. I know you look for happy letters and news of Wendy and Carmel - I'll try to do better- B
