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68 [69] Am not sure of this number Tuesday - Nov. 21 - 8:45 P.M. My dearest darling: Am really in a state tonight and have been all day - feel horrible - just can't believe it's so long to wait til you come back. I keep thinking you will be home soon - and the realization that you won't be keeps plaguing me. I just don't know how much more of this hellish separation I can take without cracking - The strain seems overbearing now - help me as best you can. I need you so badly. I wish to hell you could get out of the Navy, and come back - How much longer is this uncertainty going to go on. What's wrong with me, why can't I get hold of myself? I'm so afraid all the time for you, my own weakness, and our future together which is such a long way off. More than anything if I am to go on there must be something concrete for me to look forward to. Otherwise darling - I'm not fooling when I tell you I'm going to go to pieces - I can feel it coming, and I don't know what to do. Don't worry about it, but try to help me overcome it. This morning I had a Special from Muz telling me not to open a Xmas present from [B?x] that she was sending - it arrived later, and have put the package with those that you and M and F [pg 2] sent. Just as I was taking the last of a 36 roll of film it broke, and the whole thing was spoiled. It's too bad because there were lots of good pictures. I finished the trunks - took out as much as I had room for and repacked the rest. I'm not unpacking the big trunk - just took out Wendy's blankets and her silver. Also our used sheets and pillowcases to go to the laundry. I'm writing Mother tonight to see if all our household goods and books (except for the professional books) can be stored - I don't want anything out here. Paula has been awfully good to me, and manages to take Wendy for an hour or two each day. Tonight she and Keeo came over for supper - I opened the bottle of Old [Crow?] smooth - and felt so good Wendy is so good - she just never cries and smiles all the time. Mrs. Aldrich stopped by this morning to pick up a Dutch Over that was stored here, and remarked that Wendy looked just like you. When I was downtown this afternoon bought two bottles of Eau de Cologne - one [carnation?] that I particularly wanted. I had no sooner gotten out of the store when I dropped the package and of course the bottle broke. Got M and F a triple leather photo folder as a Christmas present from [pg 3] Wendy. Even if Jean wanted to come out - there just isn't room in this house - and no chance of getting another one. She still writes of the fellow she met on the boat - perhaps something will come of it. I hope so for her sake. Gosh - darling, I feel so lost and lonely, and when I think of it going on and on I break down completely. It seems so wrong - just don't see any good in it at all - everything that seems so important to me when you are here is non-existent. I can't live in the past, the present is hell, and the future is a blank. Is it infantile to feel this way - I don't know. I feel so much older - worn out - tired and so disheartened. My only real happiness is with you - Wendy has her own little place - but that has nothing to do with the two of us as a unit. Wendy is ours together, but that is no comfort as far as the awful loneliness of your absence brings. Nothing sounds right on paper - nothing will ever be right until you return to me, and if I go on this way I don't know if I’d be worth returning to. It isn't hysteria, it's just an awfully deep love - deeper than I ever could comprehend before- Bobby [pg 4] P.S. 3:15 A.M. Darling: I just haven't been able to sleep - took another glass of sherry about 1:30, but it only made me feel sick, and now I have an awful headache. If there was just something I could do to bring you back, and if only I was coherent enough to tell you just how terrible it is without you. I am in such a terrific emotional upset inside myself now that my thoughts keep darting about so fast that I can't catch up with them to make any sense. I don't want to worry you, but feel as tho I must share this - whatever it is - with you - Perhaps it's because I want you to understand what it is that has made me what I am when you finally do come back. I am afraid of being afraid - just don't seem to be able to think clearly and objectively - the only thing that is clear is my overwhelming love and need for you. Feel as if I don't want to go back east, or even to Memphis if I could, because that would only break me down faster. And even if I did want to go, I’d never be able to manage the trip alone. Whatever sort of a life it is that I'm supposed to be making for myself without you - I don't know - The only thing that holds me together is knowing that Wendy must be cared for [pg 5] and I'm so afraid something will happen to me, and then what would she do? Feeling sick this way whether it's mental or physical or a little of both is awful trying not to give into it. And underneath it all I don't want to worry you or have you feel ashamed of me. There seems to be no help, and I feel as tho I can't go on without you this way - Please darling - whatever you do - keep this between us and don't say anything to Muz of M and F. There is nothing they can do to help, and it would only make matters worse. I've said before, and haven't forgotten, that perhaps I shouldn't write to you this way - I can't help it I feel as tho I must at least share everything with you even tho it's only on paper. I love you so much that it hurts - I want to give you everything, and do all I can for you - I need to, but can't stand this endless physical separation. If you could just hold me, and let me cry it out- why must things be this way - why must you be so far away from me when I need you so much- B
