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52 Nov. 4 7:30 P.M. Saturday My darling: I miss you so much - it just seems if I can not go on this way without you. I've tried my best to be the wife you would want me to be under the circumstances - there just isn't anything while you are away. My thoughts keep banging me til I want to scream, and scream and never stop. I'm not hysterical - just terribly confused and lost - Don't worry about me - or about Wendy darling - no matter what I will take good care of her - if only you were home again. I don't know what to do - suppose I shouldn't write to you this way - when it seems there is little you can do to help me - If I don't talk to you I feel as I’d go out of my mind, and if I tried to tell anyone else - if there was anyone else - they would think I was crazy. It isn't fair when mail means so much to you, to greet you this way - I'm sorry dearest. Why can't I be like Toni or Jean and make you proud of me instead of ashamed? There were two letters waiting for us this afternoon 35-36. We've still to get 33 and 34. I don't know why you aren't receiving my [pg 2] mail. Originally you did not give me the Military Government part - do you suppose that has anything to do with it/ Your mail seems to get here better than it did from Hawaii. You last letter received today was written on Tuesday. I was distressed to hear about your getting up so early, and the food you’re eating. If they keep feeding you all those starches you will probably put on weight - Lord, it makes me so furious not to be able to do anything to help you - except write damnable letters that will do nothing but upset you. I hate myself, and my inability to get hold of myself- Father reads the Tribune - I will have him send me the column and forward it on to you - will also see if I can get a copy of the pamphlet. This afternoon Bev N. phoned and asked if I would come help her bake Gil's birthday cake and wrap presents - So down we went, and by 5:30 things were pretty much under control - and the cake in the oven. Wendy and I got home in a rainstorm, and Wendy proceeded to have a crying spell. So I put her on her tummy, covered her with a blanket and a few minutes later she was sound asleep - thumb in mouth. I asked Dr. Lusiguan about thumb - sucking [pg 3] but he said not to pay any attention to it - that it was a sign of a contented baby - Wendy is that - and I'm thankful that this siege I'm going thru is not having any effect on her. When I got her gently up for her bath and supper - she awoke protestingly and stretched - just the way you do after an afternoon nap. When I took her down to Bev's she looked so cunning - like a little gnome in peaked white wool cap and sweater. Big eyes and a bigger smile. The war news is lousy, which is probably one reason I feel so low. It begins to look as if the war will never end, and that it will be ages before you are home again. I wonder what it will be like to live a normal married life - a pleasure we have yet to taste - Days of satisfying work, and night of pleasant relaxation and play - it will seem like dreamland - if the happy days really gets here. And it begins to look as if it is farther and farther away. There was a letter from Dottsy this morning. She said our telegram arrived just after she had left for a visit to [pg 4] New York. She spoke of visiting and liking Carmel last May, and of a V-mail from Fran telling of life in a fox-hole. I was sorry to hear of all Jean's troubles - she is a blithe spirit, and I do hope everything works out for her - especially I hope that she and Henry will be able to have children of their own. But, if they do find it necessary to adopt their family, I'm sure they will make especially good parents. Darling, bear with me, with your help perhaps I will straighten out in time, surely I hope before you are with me. I feel as if I could just see again and have you hold me again everything would be alright- Take good care of yourself - and hold my love tight Bobby
