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290 Monday 30 July 1945 7:15 am My dearest darling - Awoke this morning to find that it had been raining for hours - Arthur had his bed moved away from the west windows (usually the wind comes from the East here, but he got soaked twice last night) - it has settled down to a steady drizzle, unlike the usual cloudburst type of rain that we have here, and looks as though it might last another several hours. The rainy season has not really hit us yet, however; heaviest month's rainfall (28 inches) last year was in September. Now to make out my laundry list, tote the bag to the collection office and go to work. The abbreviated pajamas go to the laundry today and I'll be [?] them in for you in a few days. Meanwhile I have another pair to wear - just arrived, and am reveling in a feeling of luxury. Oh, honey, did I dream about you last night! 12:15 pm Sweetie, my heart goes out to you when I read in your letters received this morning of your tremendous accelerated eagerness to have me home soon, your being “full to bursting” - I too am full of mixed emotions, of overflowing love for you and Wendy and the most intense desire to be [pg 2] with you; of reminders of the dreary life of this place and the feeling of futility that catches up with me when I sit down and think of home and realize how long it may be yet before I am there - oh, darling - . But the answer is still the same. You may think that it's easy for me to come to such a decision because my life here is fuller and more satisfying than yours is, and I wouldn't deny for a moment that on the whole this separation is a good deal easier for me than it is for you. So I will tell you: it has been much harder for me here than I have probably led you to believe on the whole - Weeks go by without my receiving satisfaction of any sort from my work except for the hard, dry knowledge that for the first time in my life I am taking things as they come and standing up to them. Tel is a difficult person to work with, or under; he tends, in various subtle ways (in a close working relationship) to browbeat, to point the accusing finger left undone; he is subject to whims [pg 3] which too easily become convictions; he drives not only himself but also other people, unreasonably he delegates responsibility badly, and he is incapable of engaging in any enterprise or working with colleagues of approximately the same rank and station without dominating. Because he has a generous side, and because he is quite ingenious about all this (or nearly always so) it is hard for me to be permanently annoyed at him, and on the whole I like him; but I have not liked working with him from the beginning. The net result has been to deprive me, largely, of the power of decision except in small matters, and thereby of personal satisfaction. There has never been any open conflict between us, though he has an annoying habit of disparaging my opinions. If I thought for a moment that I was not needed at the school I should not hesitate to move to get out. But I am needed, and Tel knows and admits it. You at least have Wendy, darling; you are queen of your own household; you can see such friends are you please and know [pg 4] that they are admiring you, mother and daughter. I could find a little of the same kind of refreshment in spending time and getting to know other men here, for there are some whom I like and between whom and myself there is mutual liking and respect. But the work to be done at the school is pressing; I have very little time to spend cultivating personal relationships, or books, or anything else to my taste. Accordingly, I find myself in a situation which offers less sympathy and solace then any which has confronted me heretofore, a life with little other warmth in it than is afforded by thoughts of you and Wendy. 9 pm Listen to the man feeling sorry for himself, gray day that it is! Well, if the picture is overdrawn, it is largely true. Only I omitted to mention that in having to work with Tel I've learned a great deal about getting along with people; and if in disparaging certain aspects of his personality I have seemed to [pg 5] disparage his general ability, I should make a correction. He has done a first rate job to date. My manner of running the school would be a little different, and less spectacular: to my mind, the way I would run it now would be better than the way he does. But I must admit [?] that would not be so without the experience of working with him and at all the little things that have come up there. Two other things I overemphasized somewhat: an implied lack of accomplishment in things which I initiated, many and various; and on the recreational side, lack of satisfying [?] relationships. As for the latter, I don't have enough, perhaps, or enough at a time - seldom sit around and drink or play cards or read in company for an evening, but just in half-hour intervals - but I've a measure of amusement, especially with recent arrivals Boyd and Baird who are lively and stimulating. So if you think I go around looking grim any of the time, you’re mistaken: I've learned to relax and smile (without having to force it) even when I am sad. And [pg 6] that's a good deal of the time. I didn't say depressed, darling; I have actually succeeded in not allowing myself to get that way anymore. I am not lacking in confidence either for the present or the future. But sadness I can't help acknowledging, for I miss you and Wendy so much, and all that living with you means to me. This is such an empty and unrewarding life here. Now perhaps you will see that my reluctance to pull wires isn't dull, darling, [?] any less ken desire to get home than is yours to have me. It isn't even a reluctance to pull wires if there were any to pull; there just aren't. Yes, I know you've heard of lots of cases…Please, darling, please twist my judgment in what applies to me apart from giving me any information that isn't available here. If I see an opening, I'll take it; when you write “there must [pg 7] be some way - think hard, and then get to work,” I wonder if you think me stubborn or easily persuaded to stay here a minute longer than I have to, and feel a little as though I were a marionette being operated by remote control. My dearest darling, the way of all possibly ways in which you can help satisfy my need of you now and at the same time fortify yourself is by doing, to your best ability, what I must do daily - forget all the others, forget this frantic competition to see who can get out the fastest; remember that somebody must shoulder the burden of this war, and that even by the time I'm out ours will have been only a fraction of that which thousands and thousands of others have borne. Someday you will find that we shall love each other doubly for having accepted that job graciously, or at least having tried; [pg 8] for having had the honesty to make our own law and live by it. For myself, I can succeed only poorly without your confidence. Just a word in review, after rereading. Things I've said in the past about this being a worthwhile job, and sometimes a satisfying one, remain true; compared to almost any other duty imaginable it has been and is the best I could ask for. You must remember that my judgments of this letter reflect the fact that any duty away from you, darling, is essentially unrewarding. In spite of that I am determined to make it as rewarding as can be, and I dearly wish that you, in your own domain, do the same. Because I love you darling, and I have put you on a pedestal - not an impossible one - and I want to keep you there. I want you to have [?] on me, too; only both must be according to our own standards. You'll see why, by and by, Warren
