Lebanon Advertiser

              c°
HaUroatrg.
RNWAM,* laEBANON RAILROAD
AX
«:25
use,
9:43
AK
2:00
2:12
PM
3:55
r M
3:15
3:27
3:37
PH
4**45
DIttKCr BOUTK FOI*. ALL POINTS ON THB
PENNSYLVANIA BAlIaBOAD.
ArrauK<-m<*n( mt l'aiaseiiicer Trains.
Ua and atter Monday, July »lb, ism, the
passenger trains will run as lollows :
A M    AX    F -t
11:00 10:45
9:10 10:57
•SB 11:07
AX    PX
8:10 10:25 12:58
PX   P x
.  10:20 12:10   3:15 6:45   6:50 10:55
PX AX
., 1:20  2:30  5:50   9.20  9:35
AM
.  7:30 11:00 12:01   3:90	
.-11:15   ....  3:05   7:00   ....
;.   650 8:10     11:55   ....
AX      AM     AM    AM    PM
    9*flB  ....
....  8:50 11:40 11:45
.... 10:55   2:00   2:50
9.25 11:50   2:35   3:40
.....   8:25
2:20   ....
AX    PM
8:00 10:20 12:45
8:06 10:30 12:55
8:20 10:40   1:05
Mt. Gretna Park proved Its popularity hy
the largely Increased business of 1890.
There will be many improvements for the
season of 1891. *. B. GOBDOH.
Gen'l. Passenger Agent.
NED IK1SII. Genu. Supt.
Dec. 31, ln90.
Leave—
Lebanon.......
Cornwall	
Mt. Gretna....
Arrive—
Lancaster.... •
Philadelphia..
New York......
Harrisburg....
Williamsport..
Pittsburg	
•Leave-
New Yoxir_w.
Philadelphia....
Lancaster	
Harrisburg......
Williamsport...
Pittsburg	
Arrive—
Itt. Gretna	
Cornwall........
Lebanon
12:15
4:30
6:25
7:00
2:40
8:10
AX
7:15
px
3:35
3:45
3:55
PX
7:10
7.20
7:30
rx
8:40
3.50
PX
8:45
3:25
4:45
P X
3:00
5:20
7:25
7:30
12:30 4*0
8:00
P X PX
4:35 8:40
4:45 8::>0
4:55   9:00
-pHlLADBIsPHI A AB £ ADING BA1LBOAD
m
ARRANGEMENT OF PASSENGEB TBAINS
JULY 19, 1891.
TBAINS LEAVE LEBANON.
For New York via Philadelphia, Week-day 9,
7:07,8:50,10:30 a. m., 2:1T, **.*0 and 6:46 p. m.;
Sunday, 2:45 and 4:49 p. m.
Kor New York via Allentown, Weekdajs, i :07,
8:50 a. m., 12:56.2:17 p. m.   Snnday, 7:41: a. m.
For Philadelphia, Weekdays,   6:05,   7:07, S:.*>0,
10-30a. m.,2:17, 4.40 and 6:46 p. na.; Snnday,
7:42 a. m., 2:45,4:49 and 6:40 p. ni.
For Middletown.  Weekdays, 6:02. 8:23a. m,
12:56.6:15, TOT and 11*31) p. m. 5 Sanday, 954 and
11 a|0   Q       yv-a
For' Kcadinr, Weekdavs, 6:05, 7:07 (Fast Express) 8:50,10:30 a. *»., 12:56,2:17,4:40 6:46 9*3
p.m.  Bunday, 7:42,9:43 a. m.,2:45,4:49and 6:40
For Allentown, Weekdays, 6:05, 7:07, 8:50 a. m.,
12:56,2:17 and 1:40 p. m.; Bunday. 7:48, 9:43 a
FOT"'Harr?sbu"rg, Weekdays, 6:02, 8:23, 10:58 a.
m.. 12:55, 2:22, 5:15, 7:07, 8:46 (*"ast Kxpress),
andll:20p.at; Sunday,9:54,11:48a. m., 5:04,
7:04.11:20 p. m.
^       TRAINS FOR LEBANON.
Leave New York via Allentown. Weekdays
4:30 and 8*45 a. m., 1:00, 3:45, and 5:45 p. ni.
Sunday. 5:30 p. m.
Leave New York via Philadelphia, Weekdays,
7:45 and 11:30 a m., 1:30, 4:00, 5:00 p. m., and
12:15 midnight; Sunday, 5:00 p. m.
Leave Philadelphia, Weekday*, 4:10. 8:S», 10:00
a m., 1:40,4:00. 6:00, 7:15 p. m.; Sunday, 6:30
and9:00 a.m., and3:40,7:15p.m.      •
Leave Reading, Weekdays, 5*0. 7:15,10:19,11*50
a m 1*27,4.®, 6:00,7:57 and 10:25 p. m. Sundays, 8:50,10:48 a. m., 4:00,6:00,10:25 p. m.
Leave Allentown. Weekdays, 5:57, 8:35 a. m.,
12:10,4^5,6:40,9:05 p. in.; Sunday, 7:25 a, m.,
4:25 and 9:50 p. m. ..-„_«
Leave Harrisburg, Weekdays, 5:10, 6 25, 7:55,
9*35a.m., 12:00 noon, 1:25, 3:45, 5:50, and 8:10
p. m. Sundays, 6*0, 8:50 a. in., 2:00. 4:00, 5:45
p. m.
ATLANTIC CITT DIVISION.
Leave   FWladelphia   and   Chestnut   Street
Wharf, and South Street Wharf.
FOB ATLANTIC OITY.
Weekdays—Express, 5:15,8:00,9:00, 10:45 a. m.,
l"oo, (Saturdays only, 1:30), 2:00, 3:00, 3:30, 4:00,
6:00, 6*00, p.   m.   Accommodorion, 7:40, a. m.,
and 4:15, 6.30 p. in.
Sundays-Express. 5:15, 7:00, litt, 8.00 8:30, 9:00,
9:30,  a.  m., and 4:30, p. m.   Accoinmadationi
8:00. a. m , and 4:45 p:m. __..__.
WeekSdays-Express. 7:00, 7:30 8:00, 9.00, 10.00
a. m., 3.15, 4.M0, 5.30, 6.M, 7.30, 9 30 p m. Ao-
commodation, 6.00,8.10 a. ni. and 4*30 p. IB;—
Sundays—Kxpress, 3 30, 4.00, 5.U0, 6 00, 6 30,
7,00, 7.30, 8.00, 9.30 p. BL Accommodation,
7.36 a. m. and 5,05 p. m.
»~ _,. __ Ho_,EOD,
C. G. Hamoock, GeaT. Passenger Agent.
Aac. 21—tt.
PENNSYLVANIA RULROiD
On and* after Nov. tSd, 1890, trains will leave
Lebanon as follows, connecting at Conewago
lor all points on the Pennsylvania Railroad;
Leave Lebanou at 6.25 a. m. Arrive at cone-
WHiiO 7.05 a. m., Lancaster 8.10 a. m , Philadelphia 10.20 a. m., New Y«*k 1.20 p. m., Harrisburg 7.30 a. m., Altoona 1.45 p m., Pittsburg
6.50 p. m. This train makes close connectioi
at llarrisburg for points on the Northern Cen-
tral and Philadelphia* Brie Railroad.
Leave Lebanon 10.15 a. m. Arrive at Conewago 10.55a. bl,. Harrisburg 12.01 p. m. Arrive
atLancasterll.S5a.in., Philadelphia 1.25 p. m.
New York 4.00 p. m. This train makes close
connection at Harrisburg for points on the
Northern Central and P, 9 E. 11. R.
Leave Lebanon 11.30 a. m. Arrive at Conewago '2.15 p. m., Lancaster 12.58 p. m., Philadelphia 3.15 p. m. New York 5.50 p. m.
Leave lebanon 2.00 p. m., arrive at Cone
wago2.45p.m-.Lancaster 4.55 p.m. Philadelphia 6.50 p. m.. New Yd* 9.35 p. nu Harrisburg 3.20 p. m., Altoona 7.50 p. m- Pittsburg
11.55 p.m., Baltimore 7.00 p. m., Washington
8.60 p. m.  ~_"M   : __\
Leave Lebanon 3.15 p. m. Arrive at Cone
wago 4.00 p. m., Lancaster, 4.45 p. bl, Philadelphia 6.50 p. m., i(ew York 9.35 p. m.
Leave Lebanon IJS p. at. Arrive at Cone-
wat707.55p.rn., Lancaster 8.40 p. m., Philadel
phia 10.55 p. m., Harrisburg 8.45 p. m.
CHAS. JS. PUGH, i-______9M___
General Manager. Genl. Passr. Agt.
Dec. 3, 1890.
GROCERIES! GROCERIES!
WHOLESALE ahd RETAIL.
 )o(	
FISK OYSTBRS, BANANAS,
GARDEN VEGETABLES,
BUTTER and EOOS.
—je<—
No stale or old stock on hand. Fresh
supplies received dally from Philadelphia and Mew York markets, and from
the country.
Goods delivered promptly snd in
prime condition.
Everything tbe housekeeper can desire, of the best quality and at reasonable prices.
LORENZO SHUGAR,
N. W Cor. Seventh and Cumberland Sts
Apr i 1. St. Lbbakos. P
8. U. KEINOEHL.   M. W. REINOEHL. |
H. A. BEINOEHL.
REINOEHL LUMBER CO.
Successors to Beinoehi & Meily.
OFFICE
PLANING MILL
AND YAKDS,
EIGHTH iJATERJTREETS.
White Pine, Yellow Pine and Yellow
Poplar, Hemlock, Laths, Pickets, Shingles,
Hard Woods, and manufacturers of Doors
Sasb, Blinds,   Carvings,    Moulding
Flooring, Turning, Scroll Sawing.
Persons in want of anything in oar lias
will find it to their interest to examine
onr stock. Jaa. 15-ly
L=->
Sir.*
*V"
«*
•*»' »
VOL. 44.-NO. 6.
LEBANON, LEBANON COUNTY, PA., WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12,1891.
WHOLE NO.-2188.
CORNWALL RAILROAD.
Lebanon & Lancaster Joint-Linb.
l_tf .hoiiftt. route for Lancaster and aU points east and west.
On and after May    th, ;89l. Passenger Trains will be run as fo'lows :
p.m.
7 15
7 'Hi
7 29
7 30
7 41
753
8 '25
p.m.
p.m.
8 Sl
3 55
3 58
4 10
4 22
tet
806
p.m.
p.m. {p.m.
3 10|12 35
g_t !l_46
3 24 12 49
S Sl 11 SS
..... 1 00
  1 lb'I
  1 55
  2 00
'p.m.I
m.
11 05
11 is
11 li)
11 26
p.m.
a m.
9 10
9 21
9 24
9 31
a.m.
7 12
7 27
7 30
739
7 45
7 58
8 27
922
a.m.
a m
6 SO
6 40
ti 50
a.m
Leave. Arrive.
 Lebaaoo..........
...........Corn wail	
...... Jlincrs' Village	
 Penryn	
 Mt. Hope.	
 Manheim..........
. .King Street, Lancaster..
 Columbia	
Arrive. Leave.
a. in
8 11
7 59
7 88
7 Sl
7 4
7 83
7 01
a.m
a in.
10 25
10 13
10 10:
10 04
p.m. p.m.lp.ui.
8| 4 35. B 30
1 Sl{ 4 23. _ 19
1 48   4 20  6 16
142:4 14,0 10
... 1 37 ! 6 05
.....! 1 2!>  SSS
 12 35   5 20
 12 35 .....  8 48
p.m. p m.lp.m. p.m.
p m.
12 20
12 S
12 05
12 00
p.m.
12 30
12 42
12 45
am. i
755 :
8 10
8 13
827
8 39
8 50
920
p.m.
a.m.
Leave.
SUNUilS.
...Lebanon.
Arrive.
 Cornwall......... .,
 Miners' Tillage	
 Penryn	
 Mt.Hope ,
»...^......... Manheim	
........King Street, Lancaster.	
 Columba.....	
Arrive. Leave.
a.m.
9 32
9 17
9 14
p.m.
238
223
2 20
' 9 00
8 44
8 00
8 05
....
am.
p.m. 1
5 1°
4 86
482
4*40
it 21
360
868
p.m.
North and South-bound trains connect at Lebanon with trains on Philadelphia 9 Heading
Railroad to and from Harrisburg, Reading, Pottsvllle, Philadelphia and Sew i oi k.
South-bound trains connect at Manheim with trains on the Reading & Co.umbia Railroad
for points between Reading and Columbia.
Philadelphia 9 Beading Railroad Company mileage books -Tin be accepted on the Cornwall
Railroad.
FINE tolSPLAT OF
Stationery Goods!
O
GC
©
©
OQ
_\
>_
©
s
EMBRACING a large and varied asssortment of  Books,  Bibles,
Testaments, Hymn Books,-Books in board, cloth aad fine bindings, for all ages; from Toy Books with colored illustrations for
tbe little ones, to board covers—books for youth and miss, up to
standard works for adults.
FARCY GOODS.
In Leather, Plush and Persian Silver Cases such as Albums, Work
Boxes, Toilet Cases, Shaving Sets, Writing Desks, Cigar Cases,
Manicure Sets, Ink Stands, Paper Weights, Calendars, Card Cases,
Lap Tablets, Pocket Books, Wall Pockets, Cards, Portfolios, Picture
Frames, Dressing Cases, &c, &c.
GOLD FENS and HOLDERS.
Stylographic and Fountain Pods and Pencils in Gold, Silver, Rubber and Celluloid Cases.
P0CKE1 BOOKS and PURSES.
A large and varied assortment.
40
m-
_f-
©
s
BT
H
«*■*■
OH
mt
«■*■
H
9
(_>
GALL   AMD
m
No advance in Prices.    Holiday Goods sold at as Low
Prices as others.
Dee. 10, '90—3-1
GOAT
60ITS
OUR preparations for the Holiday Trade are on a
Larger  and  Grander  Scale than ever before.
Now that the cold weather has actually set in
ladies will see the necessity of an immediate purchase of
. a WRAP or COAT of some kind.    We have bought
the entire stock of a large Cloak Manufacturer at prices
which enable us to place them within the reach ol all.
THE HEAVY STOCK
Of Coats and Cloaks we carry makes us Headquarters for
these goods, but as we prepared for a very cold winter,
and it is here, we are prepared to furnish you with a
Good, Warm and Stylish Garment at a Very Low Figure.
DRESS  GOODS  DEPARTMENT.
This   department never was so full of  Choice   Goods
  Suitable for
^H0LIDAY=PRESENTS^
C. SHENK,
Lebanon's Leading Clothier,
816 Cumberland St.,        LEBANON, PA
S. SEIBERT, President.
a. EBBBOBK, Manager
THE LEBANON BREWING COMPANY.
The Leoanon Brewing Company is prepared to iurnish their excellent
W1ENER-MAERTZEN, EXPORT
—AND—
Salvator Lager Beer
IN ANY QUANTITY DESIRED.
IBOTTLED    BEE R.l      ^ |
Orders for our Bottled Beer left at the Brewery, or with J. F. fia-is
the prominent bottler, at the Exchange Hotel, Ind. Dist., will be filled.
Our Wiener Beer, which is bottled, is especially recommended for
LADIES NURSING -CHILDREN by the most prominent physicians
in the City.   gfirTELEPHONE CONNECTION.   Apply to
LEBANON BREWING CC
Dec. 3, 1887.
Independent District, Lebanon. Pi.
KAUFFMAN'S
Summer pilinery!
Oar Stock is as full and fresh as at any time during the sea
son.    We are buying Hats and making Hats
every day.   We offer
Special Bargains This Week:
Choice Straw Hats at 12,15,19, 23, 25 and 50 cents each.
Ladies' Fine Hats at 25, 75 and 98 cents; worth $1.00 to $1.75.
FLO WERS aUone-half the former price.
Ribbons, Nets and Laces very cheap.
TRIMMED HATS and BONNETS.
Fine Hats, 95 eents; worth $2.00.
gO HATS, Finely Trimmed, at $1.50; worth $3..00—50
100 Trimmed Hats at ?2.00. $2.50 and $3.00; less than half price.
KAUFFMAN'S
Aprilli, ti, .3
813 Cumberland Street.
LEBANON, PA,
THE BEST
APERIENT
In modern pharmacy is, undoubtedly, Ayer's Cathartic Pills. Except
in extreme cases, physicians have
abandoned the use of drastic purga-
tives, and recommend a milder, but
no less effective medicine. The favorite is Ayer's Pills, the superior
medicinal virtues of whicb have
been certified to under the official
seals of state chemists, as well as
by hosts of eminent doctors and
pharmacists. No other pill so well
supplies the demand of the general
public for a safe, certain, and agreeable family medicine.
"Ayer's Pills are the best medicine I ever
nsed; and in my Judgment no better general
remedy was
Ever Devised
I hare nsed them in my family and caused
them to be nsed among my Mends and employes for more than twenty years. To tej
certain knowledge many cases of the following complaints have been completely and
permanently cnred by the use of Ayer's Fills
alone: Third day chills, dumb ague, billons
fever, sick headache, rheumatism, flux, dyspepsia, constipation, and hard colds. I know
that a moderate use of Ayer's Pills, continued for a few days or weeks, as the nature
of the complaint required, would be found
an absolute cnre for the disorders I have)
named above."—J. O. Wilson, Contractor
and Builder, Sulphur Springs, Texas.
"Vet eight years I was afflicted with constipation, which at last became so bad that
the doctors could do no more for me. Then
I began to take
Ayer's Pills
and soon the bowels recovered tiieir natural
and regular action, so that now I am tn excellent health."—Wm. H. DeLaucett, Dorset,
Ontario.
"Ayer's Pills are the best cathartic I ever
used in my practice.1* —J. T. Sparks, M. D.,
Yeddo, Ind.
PREPARED BT *
Ir. J. C AYER & -SQL, Lowell, Mass.
Sold by all Druggists and Dealers in Medicine*
JOHNSON'S
-4W0DYH&
LINIMENT
HOW JOSH KEPT HOUSE.
°*vv
&
•AVVWaB**
\J Vror m-ISilTAX. and BTESN-X _ss.
^GENERATION AFTER GENERATION —
OA __H_VE USED tSD BLESSKD IT.   .___*m
°^/Nc-He^
.Dropped on Sugar, Children Zove 1*.
Every Traveler should have a bottle off tt in his satchel.
E\J_\m\r\r _*\ I if-Fa rexv From Kheumatism, Sei-
TCI y -WUII-Bier atica, Keuraljjia, Ker-
vous Headache, Diphtheria, Coughs, Catarrh, Bronchitis,
Asthma, Cholera Morbus, Diarrhoea, Lameness. Soreness
in Body or limbs, Stiff Joints or Strains, will find in
this old Anodyne relief and speedy core. Pamphlet
free. Sold everywhere^ Price 35 cta, by mail, 6 bottle*
Express paid, 82.   I. S. JOHNSON •& CO.; Boston, Mass-
Septy-Rem.
I CURE
FITS!
When I tty Cuss I do not mean merely to
■top them for* time, and then have them re*
turn again.  I mean a KADICAIa CUBE.
yl have made the disease ol
PITS, EPILEPSY or
TAIXING SICKNESS,
a lite-Ion? study. I vrtstiuxT my remedy to
Cobb tbe worst oases. Because otbers have
tailed is no re ason for not now receiving a cure.
Send at once for s treatise and a Free bottl*
of my lNj._1.___.1_- Bejiedt. Give Expresf
and Post Office. It costs yon nothing for a
trial, and it will Cnre yon. Address
H.O. ROOT, M-A, 188 Peabl St., New Yoik
J une i, 189
' ?
I took Cold*
I took Sick,
I TOOK
SCOTTS
EMULSION
RESULTS
I take My Meals,
I take My Rest,
ANS 1 AU VIGOROUS ENOUGH TO TAKE
ANYTHING I CAN LAY MY HANDS ON ;
getting fat too, for Scott's
Emulsion of Pore Cod Liver Oil
and H vpophosphites of Lime and
Soda n°t okly cured my Incipient Consumption but built
MS CT, AND IS NOW PUTTING
FLESH ON MY BONES  !
at thk rxtb of a found a day.   i
take it just as easily as i do milk."
such testimony is nothing new.
scott's emulsion is doing wonders
daily.   Take no other.
HUMPHREYS'
Da. Humphreys' specifics are scientifically and
carefully prepared prescriptions; used for many
years in private practice with success.and for over
thirty years used by thepeople. Every single Specific is a special cure for tbe disease named.
These Specifics ease without drugging, purging or reducing the system, and are in fact and
deed the sovereign remedies af tte World.
UST OF PRINCIP-L NOS. CURES. PRICES.
1 Fevers, Congestion, inflammation...   .25
3 Worms. Worm Fever. Worm CoBc..   .25
3 Crying Colic,orTeethlngof Infants   .25
4 Diarrtiea, of Children or Adults....   .25
5 Dy sent ery > Griping, Bilious Colic...   .25
0 Cholera M orb ns, Vomiting 25
2 Coughs, Cold, Bronchitis 25
*vt 'ralgi a. Toothache. Faceache 25
fleadaches, Sick Headache, Vertigo   .25
Jyspepsia, Bilious Stomach.........   .25
Suppressed or Painful l'eriods.   .25
Whites, too Prof use Periods. 25
Croup, Cough. Difficult Breathing 25
Salt Rheum, Erysipelas, Eruptions.  .25
Kheumatism, Rheumatic Pains 25
Fever and Ague, Chills, Malaria.... .50
Piles, Blind or Bleedlng._.„.„.._,... ■ .50
Catarrh, Influen__, ColdintheHead .50
Whooping Couajra VfaOlentCoughs. .50
Keneral Deblllty.PhyslcalWeakness  .50
Kidney Disease — .'7__l
Nervous Debility ••••^^v__;-_^i*1*9{{
Urinary Weakness, Wetting Bed .50
Diseases of theHeart.Palpltatlon 1.00
9
10
11
12
if
15
16
IT
19
20
24
27
$
32
Sold by Druggists, or sent postpaid on receipt
of ralce. DbThcmfhreys' M_-toai, Q44 pages)
richly bound In cloth and fold, mailed   free.
HUMPHREYS* MEDICINE CO-
Cor. William and Johu Streets, New Yorlc
SPECI Fl CS.
IHinTlislI* We, th* undersigned.
Mil HI I HP are entirely cured of
nUl I Ulike Rupture by Ut. 3. B.
Hayek, 831 Arch St., Phila.
Thorn .s li. Hartung, Xew Kin.gold, Pa., I.
Sandt, South Easton. Pa., L. 1*. & C. A. De-
turck, Oley, Pa., R. G. Stanley, 424 Spru»e St.,
Lebanon, Pa., A. Schneider, Locust Dale, Pa.,
D. B. Noll, Limekiln, Pa., > Wm. K. Harten-
stine. Phoenixvllle. Pa., W. M. Leinbach. 624
Washington St., Reading, Pa., J. U. Lyme,
1310 Howard Bia, Harrisburg, Pa., 0. Keehn.
Dougiassvi'le, Pa. Dr. MAYER is at Hotel
Penn, Heading. Pa., nn the 2nd Saturday of
each month.   Call to see him.
(TO WEAK M|N
Suffering from the effects of youthful errors, eariy
decay, wasting weakness, lost manhood, etc., I will
Bend a valuable treatise (sealed) containing fuu
particulars for home cure, FREE of charge. A
splendid medical work; should De read by every
man who Is nervous and debilitated, a Address,
proL-v!e.\-ro'm-___i}_______-7_-_*2.
&?rl   9, 'PL—ly
"Hang it aU, Marier, I'm sick an' tired
of this everlast.ti;*' palaverin' about
women's work nevtj- bein' done, an' si.h
nonsense! I'm bl*-ni<?d if I see why a
right smart woman can't git her work
done, an' have an .a_*f time of it half nf
her time. Nov, if I was a woman, IM
have some spunk about me, an' Fd do
like—''
"How, Josh Phlatkins, you needn't jro
about tellin' me how your mother US' .1
to do, aa' all that, 'cause I've heard ths
old lady say herself them very same
words, as is, 'A woman's work is never
done tell she's in her grave.'"
"WeU, anyhow, Marier, rm mighty
sure that if I was a woman I could do
your work an' have a good, easy time
every day of my Ufe.*'
"I s'pose then, Josh, you wouldn't
mind tryin' it a wliile, bein' a maa?"
asked the wife, pausing in washing the
breakfast dishes, and glancing cynically
to where her spouse sat smoking a corncob pipe, and looking through a last
month's Warmer's Tribune.
"Eh?" asked Josh, looking up.
She repeated her question.
"Pve thought of that same thing myself," he replied, "only I didn't know
how yon could git along with my work."
"Oh, you needat worry yourself 'bout
that, Josh. I kin do your work if you'll
do mine."
Mrs. Phlatkins felt safe in promising
this, for when Joshua was seized with
his semi-annual "rheumatiz," she had
had the whole thing to attend to many a
time. Josh seemed to forget this, in his
sudden solicitude for the welfare of his
business.
"You'll have to hitch up, and be keer-
ful with that off colt, 'cause he's skeery
of the railroad crossin'. Be sure an'
water them at Smith's well; an' doa't
let 'em drink too much. Take that batter to 'Squire Rubin's, an' the punkin to
Jones's, an' the corn to Shear's warehouse ; an' doa't forgit to order a bari otf
salt, Marier, an' some bolts for that machine. "
"Oh, I'll remember everything," said
Mrs. Phlatkins. "An' aow IH tell yoa
your work for the day. You jest want
to finish these dishes first; then wash out
that basket of clothes an' hang 'em out
to dry; scrub the floor an' churn that
butter; it orto come qnick to-day, 'cause
the cream's just right By that time the
breadll be ready to bake; aa' yon might
put on some beans an' squash an' tatera
to cook at the same time, for you an'
Dan's dinner. After yon get the dinner
things done you can can them two buckets of plums; then, white you're resting,
like, you might mead that basketful ot
socks, an' put a patch oa Dan's everyday
pants. Thea you kin git supper, an' I'll
try to be back ia time to eat it aa' teU
you what to do next."
After giving these explicit directions,
Mrs. Phlatkins proceeded to do her husband's errands in tlie town; wliile Joshua
began most systematically the tasks
that were to be aa play to his superior
tact
The washing was done in no time, and
the clothes all hung on the line ia good
array. To be sure he did not rinse nor
wring them; but these operations were
only consumers of time, anyway; and
they looked beautiful, as they waved
their bright Une (albeit streaked) folds in
the sunlight
It seemed all foolishness to let the
bread stand around so long, whea. it
might just aa well be in baking.
"I'll just prat it in now with the other
things, an' build up a good hot fire, an*
by the time I git this butter churned tha
whole bakin' will be done, an' every*
thing," thought Josh; so he built a roaring fire, and went merrily to his churning. After bobbing the dasher for IS
minutes, Joshua peeped into the churn
to see how tilings were progressing in
there.
At that exact moment there arose a
dreadful screeching in the back yard.
"That blamed hawk after them chickens again!" muttered Joshua, dropping
the dasher and making a dive for his old
smooth bore, which contained a good
charge of fine shot, for use on such occasions.
Pushing toward the barnyard, he espied
a large hawk just rising with one of his
most promising young pullets, while all
the other P. Y. Pa were rending tiie air
with .their shrieks and "ker draw cute. *
Bang! Down dropped the pullet with
a thud and a "kuck!" which was his last
word to his brethren. Down went Joshua with an "Oh!" and I-didn't-know-it-
was-loaded sort of expression on his phiz.
Up went the hawk to circle ia the air,
hungry as ever, but none the worse for
his great scare.
In the barn there was an old gray jackass who had been noted as a kicker in
his younger days, and liad never outgrown the propensity entirely. Now
Mrs. Joshua Phlatkins had neglected to
give Jack his measure of corn and oats
that morning. Jack liad been on his
good behavior for several days, and waa
nearly ripe for a good old fashioned kick,
but had refrained from indulgence for
lack of sufficient cause. When the hours
went slowly by and no corn appeared,
Jack's ears moved forward viciously; but
still he refrained from rash actions, as a
good old mule should. When, however,
that "baagf" came, Jack's youthful
vigor began to return.
"Slash! Crash!"—with every successive
kick a board flew from the barn into
space; slats, boards, studding, everything
went down before his righteous fury. ,
Not until everything within his reach
was kicked out of reach, did Jack stop to
rest, and condescend to eat the corn which
liis master forwarded.
A litter of young pigs that had been
■hut in the barn went squeaking through
the newly made door, and Joshua spent
much valuable time getting them penned
up out of reach of an old gentleman hog
who was jealous of them, and deemed it
his duty to devour them.
Thus it was that when Joshua returned
to the house he found tlie fire waning;
lifter renewing it he recommenced his
churning.
"Wonderful! I never heerd Marier say
lhat butter would churn itself!" muttered
Mr. Phlatkins. peering into the chum,
where the cream was in a state of strange,
weird agitation. Reaching in with his
hand to see what might be the cause of
the odd phenomenon, his flesh came in
contact with a splinter. After fishing a
tow moments he drew forth thestranges:
looking specimen of butter ever churned.
This roll of butter said in a queer, gurgling voice, "Me-youw!" It was Mr. T.
Cat, in disguise so complete that his own
mother could never have recognized him.
Foor old T. Cat! He loved cream, but
this time he had even more than he would.
Josh placed him outside the kitchen
window, when he began a process of
cleaning which to this day he has never
ended.
Josh was wiping up the cream as well
as he could, when Dan came in.
"Gosh! Fop, what kind of a animal is
that out ta the yard ?"
"DsH_*l,"said Mr. Phlatkins severely,
" Dan'l keep your mouth shet; aa' if yoa
say a word about this I'll tan you within
an inch of your life!"
Upon trying the bread, which wa3
beautifully brown outside, but heart-
brokenly sad within, Mr. Phlatkins aaid:
"Dan'l, dinner's goin' to be late to-tlay,
an' you had better go over to Auut
Sally's for something to eat, or you'll bo
tardy to school."
"All right, pop," said Daniel, marching off obedientlya
Qwing to & deartlj pf eatables, Mr.
Phlatkins dined on cob pipe and meditations.
After dinner he put the bread, butter,
and other uneatables in a large pan and
took them out into the back yard. This
done, he sat down, not to rest, as usual,
but to commence work upon a sock,
which he succeeded in darning a good
deal by 4 o'clock.
For supper he toasted a little dry
bread and made a cup of tea by the
time his wife drove up to the barn and
had attended to the horses.
After supper Mrs. Phlatkins said:
"WeU, Josh, after you git the dishe3
done you kin go an' milk the cows. Pve
got a few papers and things I want to
look over this evening."
When Joshua had returned from doing this she remarked:
"Josh, I don't see the bread nowheres.
Wasn't it good for nothin' ?"
"Never see nicer bread in your born
days," he affirmed boldly.
"That's queer!" muttered Mrs. Josh.
"No one ever could bake decent bread
without turnin' that damper to heat the
oven." Then she added in a louder tone,
"And the butter, Josh; where is that?"
"I^at was awful fine, too," replied he,
from behind his newspaper.
Just then the cat rose from where he
had been lying by the kitchen stove, and
Mrs. Phlatkins' quick eye caught sight of
the grease spot with which he had decorated the floor.
"Gracious! Josh, what on earth is tho
matter with Tom ?   Just look a-here!"
"Pop, he—" began Dan, who sat in the
corner making little Satans on his slate.
"Dan'l,"   interrupted   Mr.   Phlatkins
harshly, "Daal,  kave  you  carried  ta
enough wood?"
"Guess so, pop."
"Well, go and carry in some more; Wi
going to be colder to-morrow."
"Joshua," said Mrs Phlatkins, when
Dan had dragged himself out to the woodshed, "what have you done with the
bread an' the butter?"
"Fact is," said tiie truthful housekeeper, "some poor people come along in
a covered wagon—gypsies, I guess—aan' I
gave all the things, an' the squash an'
taters I had cooked, to them far their
dinner.   Awful big family they had."
"Well, Joshua, if they ate the bread
that you cooked in that cold oven, they
must be dead by this time, sure. But
what did you give them all that butter
fot?"
"Oh, they seemed so fond of good
tatter, I could not disapint 'em."
Just then Tom followed Dan ta with
his load of wood. Poor, sticky Tom!
He walked as if his once sleek fur had
been converted into a water proof, skin
tight coat; and he had the most dejected air ever seen in the countenance
of a respectable farm cat
"Why, whatever can be the matter
with Tom?" asked Mrs. Phlatkins. "He
looks like he had fell into the soap
grease."
"I guess he fell in th "
"Dan'l!" roared Mr. Phlatkins. "Dan'l,
go to bed."
"Dan'l slunk off, disgraced, while his
mother continued in the dark as to Tom's
appearance, which, however, she soon
improved by a few kindly efforts.
The next forenoon, as Mrs. Phlatkins
was digging some potatoes for dinner out
in tlie Uttle garden patch she noticed
Growler, tiie dog, pawing industriously
near the woodshed.
"What is itt Growler?" asked his mis-
tress*.   *
-   Growler growted an answer, and kept
on digging.
" Must have a rabbit or a rat in a hole,"
thought the lady. "Guess Pll help him
git it out."
Suiting the action to the words, she
began to hoe up the rather loose dirt.
Presently she uncovered what looked
liked an immense cream puff. Growler
licked tiie puff, bit it, then went and lay
down ta the shade of an ash barrel with
a disgusted look upon his face.
"I thought -ml" said Mrs. Phlathins
softiy. Good bread! Uh! Huh! very
nice bread! Nice raw squash an' taters,
too," raking out a few vegetables as she
soliloquized. "De-licious butter! Ye-es
—poor family in covered wagon."
At tlie dinner table Josh knew that
trouble was brewing because his wife
was so quiet After Dan had started for
school she said:
"Well, Josh, I found the place where
your poor family ate their dinner yesterday. Ain't you ashamed to lie like that,
a settin' sich a example to Dan'l?"
Being cornered, Josh made a clean
breast of it from beginning to end. Nowadays, when Mrs. Phlatkins feels particularly vicious, she remarks:
"Joshua, I want to go to town to-day,
an' I'm goin' to leave you to do my
work."
Joshua grits his teeth and smiles.—
[Royal HubbelL
TH£ HIDDEN WILL    •
"That girl looks like one ei Raphael's
Madonnas. I never saw a more lovely
face, so pure and good. Is she one of
the attendants here?"
"Yes, I know her people. Her father
and mother are country Dutch and more
than usually rugged and hard featured.
Where the girl gets her beauty is a matter of wonder.   Her name is Gaines."
The speakers are two ladies. Mary
Gaines's beauty deserved all the commendation of her admirers and was au
index to her character.
The  physical  contrast   between   the
father, mother, and daughter was sUn -
ling enough.   Old Gaines was   a vt-*
hardworking man, aud so ignorant
could neither read nor write.   He wor.. •
ta the coal mines for many years and ; >■..
tlie savings of his life into 300 acres • >:
wild land ta Clarion county.   But tlie
farm was rugged and sterile, and leavhi-.*
his brother to work it the old man wen.
to Philadelphia and got a position o.i tta
Reading Railroad as watchman, and tvit.i
Mary's help and Mrs. Gaines's thrift they
made a decent living.
At this time the coal oil discoveries
were made, and rude mountaineers
found themselves millionaires. In this*
good fortune Peter Gaines was destined
to participate. Although illiterate he
was shrewd, and refused to sell bi.
Clarion county farm until he had examined the ground, and the result *»•
that ta six months he returned to UU
wife and daughter with $80,000 and an
income from leases that amounted to
several hundreds per day.
Peggy Gaines liad but one idea of the
value of money, and this was to use it for
tiie benefit of bar Mary. Old .Gaines
looked carefully after his business and
hia wealth was increasing rapidly. In
the days of her poverty and dependence
Mary had given her heart to Bernard
Rudolph, a young German who was
chemist in a targe dyeing establishment
ta the city. Mrs. Gaines more than once
hinted to her daughter that with her
wealth and beauty she could look higher,
but Mary, with a quiet decision that her
mother understood, declared that she
loved Bernard aad all the wealth ta
Christendom should not separate them.
So a date for the wedding was fixed,
but a terrible occurrence damaged all the
lovers' plana. Mrs. Gaines wanted to .see
tar old home ta the woods, and accompanied her husband on one of his visits
to tiie oil country. A collision of two
trains happened on the way and Peter
Gaines and his wife were killed.
It was a terrible shock to the daughter,
and for a month she did little else than
grieve over the loss of her parents. One
of her father's friends saw her and advised steps being taken to settle th(
estate. Mary consented listiesgl;
IVMaroused frojalifir i&&ge__!
later, wben tar friend came to tiie house
with a letter ta his hand.
"Miss Mary, I have a surprise for you.
Your father's brother Michael has applied to the court at Clarion county to
administer your father's estate on the
ground that he is the next heir, and I
might as well tell you now that he made
an affidavit that you are not tta child of
Peter and Margaret Gaines. I have a
note from the Rev. Father Kohlman, of
Pittsburg, whom you know. He states
that he will call on you Thursday. In
the meantime I have engaged Mr. William Wallace, one of the best lawyers ta
middle Pennsylvania, to look after your
interests."
Mary sat for some moments in a state
of utter bewilderment. Michael Gaines
never liked her, and this must be a piece
of spiteful mischief. It could not ta
true. Bernard's advice was manly and
practical. "If you lose the estate we
will have enough to Uve on. So let it go."
Father Kohlman paid his visit, and
laid to rest all hope of expectation, that
her uncle's story was false—in short he
confirmed it. He said: "On the 10th of
October, 1850, a party of two men and
two women were crossing the' mountains
near Peter Gaines's cabin. It was nightfall and beginning to snow, so they
stopped in the barn and left next morning at daybreak. Peter went to the barn
to look after the cow and heard something crying, and looking about found a
child about four months old. The mother
had no doubt left it when starting a few
hours before. Peggy was wild with joy,
and after some demur Peter consented
to let her adopt the little girL "I was
called ta and baptized you, my dear. I
urged the old people to tell you the truth
years ago, but they feared that you
might come to love them less, but I am
confident that your adopted father never
left this world without providing for you,
ior he assured me aa mucb not more
than a year ago."
Ibe good priest urged her not to despair of the issue. Her reward might be
delayed, but it would surely come.
' Mr. Wallace's advice was brief and to
the point "Tta plaintiff can, I am assured, prove that Mary Gaines was only
an adopted child, and, therefore, not entitled to inherit But I have every reason
to believe that there is a will. So make
all due inquiry in that direction."
Among many old friends was Billy
Burton, a clerk in the Reading Railroad
main office. He was present when Wallace's letter was read, and suddenly paralyzed the company by rushing out ofthe
room at racing speed.
Billy walked rapidly along talking to
himself. "What a hammer headed
chump I am to have forgotten that. If s
about two years ago when old Gaines was
watchman. I was full as a goat and ta
let me into the office at night to sleep it
off. English Brown was there too. ft
all comes back to me. They asked me to
witness a paper and old Peter made Ids
mark like a railroad crossing, and now to
find Brown."
That gentleman was found and for a
wonder sober. He had been a lawyer's
clerk and but for drink could have got
along ta the world. Burton poured a
flood of questions on him. "Yes, he had
written Peter's will; did not know that
Peter was dead; of course he had the
paper; it was ta 'is 'at" So- ta took
oil his tail tile and after removing numerous articles threw on the table a
folded sheet of foolscap. Burton opened
it. "Yes, there's my fist sure enough.
Leaves all his property that he has at
death to his wife for life and at her death
to his adopted daughter Mary."
The paper was taken by Wallace to
Clarion county, ta execution proved,
and tta crowd that had thrown themselves like vultures on the dead man's
wealth were discomfited. Mary and
Bernard were married in due season.
Ite estate amounted to nearly $300,000,
and Rillv Burton and old Brown were
not forgotten.
Snakes Are Wot Snakes.
The cause of persons whose nerves aro
excited by protracted and excessive use
of stimulants seeing the shapes of animals p-yssirig before them is not due
wholly to the imagination, says a writer
in the New York Times. In fact tta
fancy only operates to induce a belief
that what ia seen is alive and hideous.
Tlie eyeball fe covered by a network of
veins, ordinarily ao small that they do
not intrude themselves visibly in the
path of the light that enters the sight,
but ta the course of some diseases these
veins an frequently congested and
swollen to such size as to become visible,
and when this happens the effect generally is to appear as if there were an ob
ject of considerable size at a distance
from the eye.
Of course this vein is generally long,
thin, and sinuous like a serpent, and the
figure seen ia frequently startiingly like
a snake. That they seem to Uve is due
to the fact that they are often not in perfect Une with the direct front of sight
They are either to tiie side, up or down
from the focus; therefore, when discovered, the victim naturally turns hia
eyes toward the effect, and the effect, of
course, moves away. Tte eye follows,
and thus a continuous and realistic motion fe got Now, if tte eye be returned
to tte front again quickly it will ae*
another snake, which if watched will
glide away ta the same manner. Tte
writer of this is afflicted by malarial disease, and after his eyes are thus congested
many strange shapes and clouds pass
within his vision, which, if he were in a
state of nervous collapse, might easUy be
all tliat are seen by those suffering from
delirium tremens.
She Gave Him ■ Gentle Hint.
One of the late matrimonial engage
ments is said to be the outcome of a daring Uttle piece of repartee ara the part ol
the young woman, wbo has enjoyed tte
reputation of being not only a wit, but a
beauty and belle as well. Although quite
young, she was known to have declined
the honor of matrimonial alliance with
several of the best so called "catches" of
the season, and it began at last to ta rumored that her mind and heart were set
on one of her admirers who had not as
yet, the temerity to come to the point
However that may be, the young man ta
question was her partner in one of the
Harvard assemblies during last winter,
and during the intermission for supper
was seated with her in a sequestered nook,
"far from the madding crowd." Apropos of something that had been said, ta
asked her laughingly if tiie report wero
true that she had refused all the eligible
men in her set. She blushed vividly for
a moment, then suddenly raided tec
head, looked him full in tte face, and
said pointedly: "Yes, it fe ti*ue—present
company accepted!" ft is, perhaps, needless to state tliat they remained in the
" sequestered nook " during the rest of tho
german, and that the young lady wo*ce a
sparkling solitaire on her left hand within
a few days. Rumor also has it that the
above conversation was overheard by one
of the discarded suitors, wbo forthwith
"gave it away."—Boston Gazette.
THK    TORN    LEAF.
A witching charm pervades the things beyond
onr eager grasp.
Wr-*"d throw away the prizes won for those we
can not clasp;
All day we wa't tor sunset an.l all night m
watch for dawn:
The best part of life's story is the leaf tha l's
torn and gone.
The past Is shadowed with regret, the future
has Its doubt.
And every rose that we would  pluck with
thorns is hedged about.
Ihe dream, the song, the hop*, the prayer
things we loved were oa
The page for whieh We all despair, the leaf
that's torn and gone.
—IChicago Post.
THE  DOCTOR'S  ROMANCE.
A story? Why, yea, I think I can tell
you one, if you will give me nn idea of
where I shall begin. A heroine? Of
course 1 have a heroine—half a one, say;
for she is not bigger thau a niiiiu'e, and
then she really did nothing much, after
all—only "plucked uie as a brand from
the burning."
How?   I'll tell yoo.   Pm a doctor—
ft V. Story, M IX—so you will readily j
understand  that when I reached my
cosy sitting   room, one   cold   night   at
about 10 o'clock, I was tired
Ten o'clock was early for me, but I
fully expected to be called out beforo
morning, so I did not feel elated. la-
deed, I was too tired to feel anything
but that pleasant; warm fire. I pulled
(he sofa up to the grate, threw myself
upon it, and was asleep in five minutes.
' I tad horrible dreams, and fell off ttat
sofa right into the grata I thought I
waa fighting a burglar, and dreamed I
tad pushed him out ol tta window,
when I awoke to find I had precipitated
myself "out of tha frying pan into the
fire," so to speak I felt a stinging pain
in my hand and arm, aod a littie mite
of a girl was bending over me, bathing
a lump on my forehead as big as a walnut.
I had fallen on the fender, aad my
unlucky hand had dropped right on tte
coals; nay sleeve took fire, and if that
baby had not been there to snatch my
hand away aud wrap a rug around my
arm, I believe I might have been ta*
tally burned before I could have realized the danger.
I suffered for days with tte burn, but
I had a comforter: Trix was with me
nearly all of tbe time, nursing ma I
called her my little life preserver, but
she objected to that; she said the word
reminded bar of Cork, but she wasu'C
patriotic, if she was Irish.
Then I reminded her of the fiery death
from which sbe had saved me, but she
thought that was suggestive of the cat
and the chestnuts, so 1 gave it up and
told her she wouldn't understand tte
word gratitude if I ahonld use it, so I
was not going to trouble myself about
beiug grateful any further. At that she
intimated that I was an iugrate.
Did I tell you who Trix was? Bea-
(rice Warburton was her name—I assured ter that it made up for ber talk
of size. She had been placed under my
care till she attained the great age of 18
years, as her father—my true and tried
friend—had, with his wife, been lost at
sea. So I cared for her, and she wasn't
a burden either.
And was she pretty ? Bless yoa, yesl
She had a charming little "turn up*
nose—and such dimples—and the most
captivating way of arranging her hair—
I think it was a shade of red—you ever
aaw. But I wish you could have seen
her mout hi Erer see my wife? Looked
somthing like hers.
I often wondered, if she was so pretty
then, what she would be when she was
grown up. Now she was aot more than
17, and I think she told me confidentially
once that she did not intend to be a
young lady for years and years; she
would rather stay a little girl. Quito a
phenomenon, was she not?
Did I fat in love with tar? Well—er—
my nephew did, you know. I sent for
him (o come home from college and take
care of ine. I'm ever so proud of that
big nephew of mine, though he's
aot an il. D.—dear, aot Catch him
working himself to death for his fellow
mortals! There's but one person that he
would hurt himself for, and that is Trix.
He had uot beeu at home two weeks
before he was hopelessly ta love witb
my baby. And she—well, I noticed
that she said les3 about being a little
girl, and I beUeve she practiced looking
sedate and grave before tta mirror, it
was so vastly becoming to her. I persuaded myself that I was rejoiced to
have her find my nephew aa agreeable
aa I did, but I'm af raid-
However, she came to me one day and
taid in her direct manner—
"Doctor, when are little girls like me
considered young ladies?"
So serious, you kuow I I picked tar
right up ta my arms and answered, as I
kissed tar rosy cheeks—
"When they fall ta love with my
nephew, sweetheart. Dont you think
I shall make a capital father in law ?"
"Well," she said, "of all the impudence •"
"Wby, Beatrioe," 1 asked, "don't you
thinklwUl?"
"I hope so," she said sarcastically,
"but I think you would shine brightest
as a Chicago detective, you are so penetrating. " Aud she departed with great
dignity.
I have not lived thirty and five years
in this cold world for nothing, as the
fourteen gray hairs ta my head may
testify, and though I am five feet ten
inches in height, a baby might have
pushed me over at that moment
My dear little Trixy, my baby! And
did she really care for me instead of
my youthful nephew? I subsequently
found out that she did. Aud to day
she fe the dearest and best Uttle wife in
existence—in my opinion.
Shame, was it? December and May,
and so forth? Oh, well, never mind.
My wife declares that I am the handsomest man of her acquaintance; will
not that atone?
"Oh, no, ttat nephew of mine did
nothing rash on being acquainted with
the face that his Trix would ta nothing
more than a mother to him, but straightway became ensuared with another fair
one's charms.
Aad is that all ? Why, yes; fe it not
interesting? I do assure you it is to me.
—[Gertrude Thurston.
Ti-a'K'ily ln Real Life.
He fin disir,*»s)—Dearest, why do you
turn from me?
She—Harold, I—I have been eating
onions.—Indianapolis Journal.
A Mystery Explained
The papers contain frequent notice of
rich, pretty and educated girls eloping
with negroes, tramps and coachmen. The
well-known specialist, Dr. Franklin Mile?
says all such girls are more or less hysterical, nervous, very impulsive, unbalanced; usually subject to headache, neuralgia, sleeplessness, immoderate crying or
laughing. These sbow a weak nervous
system for which their is no remedy equal
to Restorative Nervine. Trial bottles and
a fine book, containing many marvelous
cures, tree at Dr. Geo. Ross and Co, who
also sell, and guarantee Dr. Miles' oele-
brated New Heart Cure, tbe finest of beart
tonics, Cures fluttering, short breath, eto.
ISH UED EVERT WEDNESDAY B_T
W. J. BURNSIDE,
31 !-*(. Mint!. Street,      -      Lebanou, Pa.
TERMS Ol SUBSCRIPTIOItl
ONE YEAR.        -        -        SI.SO
IN VARIABLY IN AUVANCK.
tSTThe above rate includes payment
of postage by as. Subscriptions can
commence any time during the year
BUl Snort's Letter.
BY ALEX. K. SWEET.
There is more Catarrh in tbis section of
the country tban al otber diseases put together, aad aatil the last few years was
supposed to be inourable. For a great
many years doctors pronouneed it a local
disease, and prescribed local remedies, and
by constantly failing to oure with local
treatment, pronounced it incurable.
Science bas proven Catai rb to be a constitutional disease, aad therefore requires
constitutional treatment. Hall's Catarrb
Cure, manufactured by F. J. Chenay &
Co., Toledo, Ohio, is tbe only constitutional oare on the market. It ia taken
internally in doses from 10 drops to a teaspoonful. It acts directly upon tbe blood
and mucous surfaces of the system. They
offer one hundred dollars for any case it
fails to cure. Send for circulars and testimonials.   Address,
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, O.
Sold by druggists, 75 cents.
Syndicate Cottage by the Sea, >
Jaly 27,1801. S
To Major Dan Mc Gary, Houston, Tta.:
My Dear Major :—Harrison is very
anxious to have me stump Obio in the
interests of McKinley. He, Harrison, remarked yesterday, with what be intended
for a beaming smile : "If you were to take
tbe stump in Obio in favor of aay friend,
McKinley, with yonr burning eloquence
and logical reasoning, Col. Snort, you
would accomplish a great deal of good for
tbe party. Cleveland is going to make
speeches in Obio, and we need an able aud
aggressive speaker of great biain power
to meet him on the stump and tear his
flimsy arguments all to Hinders. You
would receive an ovation. It woald be a
great tbing for yoa. Col. Snort) to distinguish yourself in the forensic arena,"
"Mr. President," says 1, "you are very
kind, bat I am afraid I shall have to decline tbe honor more, however, on your
account than on my owa."
"What is yoar objection, Col. Snort?"
asked tte President.
"I will endeavor, Mr. President, to
bring the subject clearly within range ef
your comprehension by narrating a little
parable. A Texas planter n hile out bunting, before tbe war, treed a large 'possum,
which took refuge in tte very topmost
branches of a tall cottonwood. Beiug desirous of capturing tbe 'possum tbe planter
ordered his body servant, a faithful negro
named Mose, to climb the tree and dis.
lodge 'the varmint.' Tbis body servant
was a very valuable negro worth at least
I1..00—rn/*
"What a curse slavery was, not only to
tbe negro but also to tbe white man as
well," said Harrison with a sigh.
"Please don't interrupt me until I get
through, Mr. President. This valuable
negro digested himself of most of bis Mi*
ment, and proceeded to s'uiu up tte tree.
Wben be got stoat forty feet from the
ground he lost his grip and came down
with tbe usual dull sickening thud. Fortunately Us tall was broken by the
branches, otherwise Mose would have been
killed. As it was, Mose was senseless and
sustained other serious injuries. When
he recovered his senses, he made a suggestion to his master : 'I say, Master John,
what's de use ob wastin' a twelve hundred
dollar niggah to fotch down dat 'possum,
when you kin hire sn Irishman tar shin
up dat tree for a quarter, and ef te breaks
his neck you won't lose nuffin' by it.'"
"Tte truth fe, Mr. President, that shaking tbe Democratio 'possum out of tte
tree in Ohio is a risky piece of business,
and whoever undertakes to do it is liable
to get seriously host. You will need ttf
future services in tbe grand tussle you
will have to undergo at the bands of Mr.
Blaine, tbe decrepid invalid of Bar Har*
tor, not to speak of Democratic gladiators,
bence I suggest that you send some cheap
person to Ohio to chew ap Governor Campbell on tbe stump. Sand Ingalls, or Wanamaker, or some other man wbo never
would be missed. Or you might go yourself, wbile 1 hold the fort at Washington."
Harrison dropped tbe subject and has
not picked it up vet. Bat seriously, D_u,
I don't banker after any notoriety on tka
stump. I have been there before. Tte
tarifi issue cannot be su.ce8t.fuHy defended
tat if it could tbere is no way of confirming tbe debate of the issue. If I took tho
stump in Obio, as soon as I opened tar
mouth to explain tew tte McKinley bill
benefited the poorer classes, some limber*
jawed galoot ta the erowd woald bawl
Mt:
"How much did that trip of Harrison's
cost tbe Pennsylvania liailroad Company?"
Or,   "How many kinfolks of Brother
Harrison have got tteir beads in the public crib V"
Or, "What did Harrison give Pension
Commissioner Kaura to put Harrison's
sister-in-law on tbe list, se sbe oould yank
$8,000 out of tbe Treasury ?"
Or, "Has Harrison paid the Cape May
Improvement Syndicate for tbat cottage
by the sea wbich was presented to Mrs.
Harrison?''
Or, "Bite it off there, and tell us something about Wanamaker and tbe Keystone
Bank."
Or, "Wby don't you undertake to whitewash Senator Quay, Harrison's bosom
friend ?"
These are only a few of the questions
that would be tired at me, and as a hard
question turneth away aiguraent, I'd prater to be bit with a secoud hand egg and
similar fragrant testimonials. No, I'll let
somebody else climb up aud shake down
tbe Obio 'possum.
Besides, even if the discussion could be
confined to the tarifi issue, what oould I
say wben my attention is oalled tothe fact
that tbe McKinley bill will cost tbe Government $50,000,000 a year in tbe port of
Mew York alone, wbere tte receipts of
customs aie falling ofi at tbe rate of a
ua i ; iuii dollars a w eek T
As I said to llariison, it is a great pity
tbat Secretary Blaine's health does not
permit bim te make a few speeches in
Obio. He has taken a great deal of stook
ta tte McKinley bill, for he innocently
remarked some time ago that "it would
not open a market for a single barrel of
Hour, or a pound of pork." Blaine is tte
ataa wbo ought to oe allowed to aim tbe
Republicau skunk ta Obio. If yoa read
ia the papers, my dear Dan, tbat Col.
Snort of Texas will stump Ohio ta tta
interests of McKinley, just deuoume tbe
rumor as s weak invention ol tte enemy.
I've got no desire to blow into tbat particular gun to flnd out If It is loaded. I
am not entirely eaten ap wth curiosity.
When I see a mad i.igger sharpening his
razor on bis boot I have no curiosity to
fiud out whether it wUl eut a hair et not.
I have received a letter from a farmer
in Ohio wbo objects to tte money ta the
Treasury being squandered on bo^ua veterans. He writes me to tell tbe Pieaident
tbat the men wbo were professional rearward travelers during tte war are getting
a« ay va itb all the la. niers' money; that
tbe larmers must bave some turkey, too,
or te will discover in 1_9_ tbat Lis grandfather's bat is too large aud bis anatomy
ia toe small to fill tte Piesideutial chair s
second time, ete.
Tbe idea tbat tbis administrat'cn is going to do anything for tbe farmers makes
me laugb. It reminds me of tbe city dude
in tbe country wbo asked a pretty country
girl to give bias some milk. Sbe was in
tbe cow pen at tbe time, and ber reply
was : "We bave not got any more milk
tban we need for our calves."
Brother Harrison needs all the milk in
the Treasury for bis own calves.
Another little incident is somewhat to
tbe point. Wben a private soldier, after
tbe war, was describing tbe dangers to
whicb be was exposed in battle, one ofthe
listeners asked him why he did not get
behind a tree.
"Get behind a tree I" te replied, "why,
tbere were hardly trees enough for the
officers."
Tbe farmers and mechanics are tbe poor*
ly paid privatts wh> have to tear tke
brunt of life's bitHe, wbile tbe protected
monopolists are taking it easy behind tbe
trees. One protected coal baron, or sugar
baron, or irou baron throws away more
money on his dogs and horses than the net
profit of a thousand mortgaged farms.
Tbe farmer who contemplates voting the
Republican ticket ought tn bave a hole
bored in bis skull sad some cheap kerosene poured into it. It would be an im*
p'OV.ment on bis present thinking facilities. The man who votes to increase bis
burdens bl simply making s loug-eaied
beast of burden of himself.
Yours for reform,
Bill   sort.
He Was a Pharmacist.
A New York druggist who spent the
winter ta s Texas town for bis health, was
asked ky the genial clerk of tbe hotel,
"Stranger, what might your business be?"
"I am a pharmacist." **Oh, yes, a pharmacist. Wall, you can buy as fcood 'arming lands in tbis neighborhood as you can
find in Texas. You have struck tbe right
locality, stranger, it you want a farm. Ttt
take yoa oot this afternoon ta my buggie,
aud show you one I've got to sell."
Hard Lines.
A Boat.
A Man,
A Girl,
A Squall,
No Boat,
No Man,
No Girl,
That's All.
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