Pittston Gazette

              "T^H',■""«"' [ Oldest f-ewsDaDer in the Wyoming Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, JULY 11, 1890. A Weekly Local and Family Journal. TP SOLDIERS. iam Taintor, as was tho first, is tor tlie rent of the building occupied by the recruiting rendezvous, precisely similar in form and amount to the previous checks, for the sum of fOO. Tho third check is payable to William Taintor himself, marked 'for extra duty pay as clerk at tho recruiting office for the past six months.' Tho fourth is made payable to the order of Sergt. James Burns, 'extra duty pay as non-commissioned officer in charge of the party for the six months beginning Jan. 1 and ending June 30.'" tnen, at once 11 neeci ue? i ou kuow i am relieved from duty here and must rejoin my regiment within ten days." You will come with as, won't you, captain?' ' made out his great batch of paper#, ana the further he looked the more he found. The orderly had been sent for Tain tor, and had returned with the information that he was not at his desk. Sergt. Burns, when called upen to explain how it happened that he allowed him to Blip away, promptly replied that it was half-past 11 when he came out of the captain's office and said that the captain would want him all the afternoon, so he had best go and get his dinner now. Half-past 13 came, and ho did not return. The sergeant went after bim, and came back in fifteen minutes with a worried look about his face to say that Taintor had not been to dinner at all, and that the door of the little room ho occupied was locked. He had not been in the house since 8 that morning. BILLTONG'S WELCOME put salt on the tail of the equator and forcibly rescue Ernin Bey. well and maiies money incicieniauy. aao essentially lives up to the motto of that celebrated neighbor of yours on Staten Island who owns a picnic grove, at the entrance of which stands the crisp remark:NOT UNDER THE ENEMY'S FIRE. "We had cracked wheat with condensed milk, pap, pemmican, fried mush, hot house apples—dnied in a hot house, I mean—kippered herring, skippered cheese, lemon squash, pie plant jrie, prune sauce with umbrella sap, slumgullion .and speeches. when tit© Rifles of His Otm Soldiers "I wish I could, Mr. Withers, but my office hours have to be observed, and I cannot leave in the morning. Thank you heartily none the less. Then you will lxD here to-morrow, Noel?" "My full consent, and my best wishes, captain," said Mr. Vincent, grasping the outstretched hand in both his own. "You have not spoken to her at all?" Covered Him Ho Was Frightened. "Was I ever afraid in battle?" said on English army officer. ' 'Many times. But there are different kinds of fright. I have served in India, in Egypt and in Western Africa, but the worst 'funk' I was ever in was when there was no enemy within thousands of miles of me. BILL NYli DESCRIBES HOW THE DUKE OF CONNAUGHT WAS TREATED. Bj Oapt, CHARLES KING. —r  [Copyrighted by J.,8. Lipptncott Company, Philadelphia, and published through special arrangement with the American Press Association ] "Not a word, Mr. Vincent; and I can form no idea what her answer will ]De. Pardon me, sir, but has sho or has Mrs Vincent any knowledge of your business troubles?" "To-morrow be it, Fred; so au revoir, if you can» join us. I mustn't keep Withers waiting—business man, you know. Goil bless you, old fellow; you What llo a*iCl the Duchess Wore, and ■gx-ENjoY LIFE While you Live, __ ?05 YOVLL 6t A L0N4 dead]!; THIS WAY To F0|_E.yC2 £2l\Ove...«- (continued.) What the Duke Had to Say for Him- "At a lato hour I went home, and taking a large goblet of smoke tanned Irish whisky I got my valet to kick me into a comatose condition and dropped into a troubled sleep. •elf—His Opinion of Our Principal don't begin to realiza how delighted 1 am to seo you! So long." "My wife knows, of course, that every thing is going wrong and that I am desperately harassed; Mabel, too, knows that I have lost much money—very much—in the last two years; but neither of them knows thd real truth—that even my life insurance is gone. A year ago I strove to obtain additional amounts in the tliree companies in which I had taken out policies years ago. Of course a rigid examination had to be made by the medical advisers, and the result was the total rejection of my applications, and in two cases an offer to return with interest all the premiums hitherto paid. The physicians had all discovered serious trouble with my heart. Last winter our business was at it lowest ebb. I had been fortunate in F.ome speculations on 'change in the past, and I strove to restore our failing fortunes in that way. My margins were swept away like chaff, and I have been vainly striving to regain them for the last three months, until now the last cent that I could raise is waiting the result of this week's deal. Every man in all the great markets east and west knew three weeks ago that a powerful and wealthy syndicate had 'cornered,' as wo say, all the wheat to bo had, and was forcing the price up day by day; and I had started in on the wrong side. Even if the corner were to break to-morrow I could not recover half my losses. The offer the insurance companies made was eagerly accepted, sir; I took their money, and it dribbled away through my broker's fingers. If wheat goes up one cent, we cannot meet our obligations—we are gone. We have been compelled to borrow at ruinous rates in order to meet onr calls; I say we, for poor Clark is with me in the deal, and it means ruin for him too, though he, luckily, has neither wife nor child. Are you ready, sir, to ally your name with that of a ruined aud broken man—to wed a beggar's daughter?" And here poor old Vincent fairly broke down and sobbed aloud. Long watching, sleepless nights, suspense, wretched anxiety, the averted looks and whispered comments of the men he daily met on 'change, the increasing brusqueness and insolence of his broker, Warden—all had combined to humiliate and crush him. He threw himself upon the sofa, his worn old frame shaking and quivering with grief. The sight was too much for Lane. This was her father; it was her home that was threatened, her name that was in jeopardy.Cities 8 1 "I was a captain at the time and was stationed at Port Royal, Jamaica. We had just got a lot of recruits or our hands, the rawest, greenest recruits yon ever saw. I was drilling them in rifle practice at long range, and had great trouble to make them obey orders with precision. In fact, one could never be sure whether they would fire when you wanted them to present, or present when you wanted them to fire. CHAPTER IV. This check, too, had been indorsed payable to the order of William Taintor. All four checks, amounting in all to the sum of about one hundred and sixty dollars, had been paid to the deserting clerk during the afternoon of the previous day. According to the best information we can get hold of, the people of Billtong, B. C., made a great effort to entertain the Duke of Connaught and wi fe recently, and succeeded fairly well considering that Billtong is a comparatively new town. The duke said that he was not a little surprised to find that Billtong was yet in so crude a state while marked B. C. [Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.] !!' i i 1 /fif 11 r " I 1 "But about dining with us, Cap- "I had to respond to a toast also. 1 said: 'Mr. President and gentlemen, 1 am horfbred by being Cthe repository of your crude victuals to-night, and am now asked to make a bright speech as a partial recompense therefor. I did not wish to come, as I told your honorable body, for both her royal symmetry and myself were fatigued, having visited tho jail and other thriving industries of the place. We had addressed the primary schools and seen your growing brick yard, spent an hour at your great central hello office, visited your principal job printing establishments and spent a few hours at the round house. So we were exhausted, and really needed roai more than wo did to mix in the great vortex of society. Bill Nye. tain"  THE \ KICKER "Oh, Lord, yes!" burst in Noel. "What evening, now? I'd almost forgotten. Getting in* among bricks and mortal addles my head. 'Tisn't like being out in the saddle with the mountain breezes all around you; hey, Fred? Gad! 1 don't know whether I can stand this sort of thing, after our years of campaigning." And the lieutenant looked dubiously around upon the dark and dingy walls and windows. A Fev? 1 •A V.r-r.v.-.rks Clipped by colt Free Press. "Had you no suspicion of anything wrong?" said Lane. It Didn't Fail.—Last Saturday the Granite Hill Saving bank, of this town, failed to open its doors, and a notice was posted up to the effect that it would open in about a week and pay at least fifty cents on the dollar. Tho hoys got together about 10 o'clock, and Mr. Duggan, the president, wan invited to explain matters. He said ho hadn't time just then, but after a rope had been passed over his neck he explained that the failure had been caused by overconfidence in silver mine investments. The boya doubted this, and Mr. Duggan was taken to the bank and compelled to show his books and his cash. After figuring for about two hours a committee found that there was money enough to pay every depositor §1.47 on the dollar, and it was accordingly passed out and the bank wound up in shipshape fashion. It was no failure, but simply going out of business. Mr. Duggan had calculated on a little scoop, but the boys got ahead of him. He left town on carrying a spare paper collar in his hind pocket, and he will probably look for some hayseed town in which to begin life anew. We have a failure here in trade now and then, but we permit no bank to fail unless all depositors are first paid in full. "I'm afraid, sir, he's drinkin' again," said Burns; "but he's so sly about it I never can tell until he is far gone." "I knew nothing about it," said the bookkeeper. "They were presented to the paying teller at the desk, and it was not until after bank was closed, when we came to balance up cash, that the matter excited comment and then suspicion. Taintor has frequently come here before with drafts and chocks, and if you remember, sir, on one or two occasions he has been sent for new check books when the old ones had run out." "You go out yourself, and send two of the men, and make inquiries at all his customary haunts," ordered Lane. "I will stay here and go through all these papers. None are right so far. He never failed me before; and I do not understand it at all." Two days were then given for meditajkion and subsequent mirth. "I had been sending them through a practice one afternoon and they were so terribly stupid that I got into a vile humor. The day was fearfully warm, and the sun beat down so fiercely that my horse, a wicked brute, got into almost an ungovernable temper. I sat on my ho*$e at? th»j right of the c-juad, and was giving them volley practice at long range. When my patience was entirely gone, the men seemed to gain a little sense, and began to fire with rapidity and accuracy. Things \v # ■ running as smoothly as clockwork, and I was soon soothed into cheerfulness despite the heat. Not so my horse. He was never more vicious. The duke wore an English made suit of all wool clothes which fitted him in a desultory way, and which would not cost a bob over one and ten. He wore a Norfolk jacket and duck gaiters. Fearing the cold weather, his feet were encased in gunnysacks, tied with rag carpet warp, but the duchess made him take them off for fear his feet would be trained down too much by that course. One of his feat already has inflammation of the liver, and the left lobe of the other foot is greatly enlarged. He has large, intellectual heels, which extend back to about the time of Queen Anne. He has made several efforts, through the aid of surgical institutions, to rectify his feet so a'3 to have the instep on the top of the foot instead of giving the hollow of the foot a convex appearance. He has also spent a good deal of money in his efforts to precede the calves of his legs, but all to no purpose. He has also had several unsuccessful operations on his feet for strabismus. He wore an African explorer's helmet with mosquito netting on to it, and had a leather field glass attached to his person by means of a strap. Once ho lost the cork out of his field glass while at Victoria, and had to get it refilled at a measly public house. "Suppose wo say Thursday evening, captain," suggested Mr. Withers; "and HI havo just a few friends to meet you two army gentlemen." But when night came Taintor was still missing—had not been seen nor heard of—and Capt. Lane had written a hurried note to the lady of his love to say that a strange and most untoward case of desertion had just occurred which necessitated his spending some time with the chief of police at once. He begged her to make liis excuses to her good mother for his inability to come to dinner. Later in the evening he hoped to seo her. "P. S.—Gordon Noel, who is to relieve me, has arrived. I have only three or four more." "I shall be very happy, Mr. Withers." "Good! That's the talk, Fred!" heartily shouted the lieutenant, bringing his hand down with a resounding whack between Lane's shoulder blades. "Now wo are off! Come along, Amos." And the cousins disappeared down the dark stairway and popped into the carriage."That's very true," said Lane. "He has been employed here in this rendezvous for the last ten years, and has borne, up to within my knowledge of him, an unimpeachable character. If any more checks come in stop payment on them until you see me, and, if possible, detain the person who presents them." " 'We came to this country for rest mostly, and not to be fawned over and fed, or to sit up late of nights and eat caraway seed cookies on an empty stomach. Of course society has its claims on us and we will not ignore them; but I am not a copious speaker, and fear now that after these few little remarks that I still owe you something, although I did not eat any prunes and my cracked wheat is just as good as ever it was. "AIy cousin, Mr. Wither*," said Noel. Capt. Lane, as baa been said, allowed until the following Wednesday for the arrival of his regimental comrade, Mr. Noel. He was not a little surprised, however, on the following Tuesday "Not a very demonstrative man, your friend the captain, but seems to be solid," was Mr. Withers' remark. Half an hour afterwards the captain was back in his offica, and there, true to his appointment, was Lieutenant Noel." "We were getting along so well by this time that it was 'Ready! Present 1 Fire 1' and the volley would ring out like a single report. "Oh, yes. Ho is about as solid as they make them," answered Noel, airily. "Lane has his faults, like most men. It is only those who really know him, who have been associated with him for years, an(1 whom he trusts and likes, that are his friends, Now, I'd go through fire and water for him, and he would for me —but of course you wouldn't think it, to see his perfectly conventional society manner this morning. If I had left you down at the foot of the stairs and had sJolen up on tiptoe and gone over and put niy arm3 round his neck, you would probably have found us hugging each other and danolng about that room like a couple of grizzly bears when you came up, and the moment uf caught sight of you he would have blusheU crimson and got behind his ice screen Li . • : • • D : I. You just ought to have ss ■ i li i -hie night we met each other wl .'j our detachments down nMflCjQuada. in.- C.m-yon when we were hunting C.-oauno. Some d—d fool of a ranchman had laet him and said I was killed in thi little affair we had with the Apache rtui-  Why, I was perfectly amazed at the emotion he showed. Ever since then I've sworn by Fred Lane; though, of course, he has traits that I wish he could get rid of." "Gordon Noel!" said Miss Vincent, pensively. '' Where have I heard of Gordon Noel?" "I have had a strange and unpleasant experience, Noel," said Lane. Most of my papers have been faultily made out. My clerk deserted last night and has turned out to be a most expert forger. He has stolen half a dozen checks from my book, made them out to the order of various parties, forged the indorsements himself, got the money yesterday afternoon, and cleared out, no one knows whore." morning, as he Bat at breakfast at the clnb, glancing over the morning paper, fovsonenpon the following announcement:!?. ■» D " 'In closing, however, let me say that I have a cigar with me, so that you will not be out on that, and rather than extend my remarks any further I will leave my cheese also. The duchess has not touched her pap, and so if you will call it square I will now close.'" CHAPTER V. "Once I cried out 'Ready I' and the work was as pretty as that of veterans. .f " f r 'I ff/FJ f "tam almost 'to 'hcaWiat ahc  the heir cat people said gTitans." " 'Present,' and every rifle went up to shoulders in perfect form. At the very instant I was about to say 'Fire!' my fretting horse bolted, catting directly across the range. I was not twenty feet from the squad. My eye caught the gUttering rifles leveled right at me, and instinctively I closed iuy eyes and ducked my head. If you know what British soldiers are you can imagine my feelings, my teirible fear, for, as J said before, I was never before in such a funk.' I know that if I opened my mouth those recruits would riddle my body with rifle balls, fOr-.they were expecting the word 'Fire!' and^probab1- would have taken any sound for My desire to cry out, 'As you were!' tc get the rifles oft my body, was so great that I had to clinch my teeth to keep from crying out. Of course, the whole thing took only a few seconds, but it was many minutes longer than that to Our readen will be Interested in knowing that Capt Gordon Noel, of the Eleventh United State* cavalry, bos been ordered otD duty In the city, in charge of tho cavalry rendezvous ?«vJJycamore street. Capt. Hpd cornea to us with a reputation that should win instant recognition and t'Ne heartiest welcome from the Queen City. For nearly fifteen yean he has served with his gallant regiment, and has been prominent in every one of the stirring campaigns against the hostile Indians of our western frontier. He has fought almost every savage tribe on the continent; was disabled in the Hodoc campaign in 78, commanded the advance guard of his regiment that reached the scene of the Custer massacre only just in time to rescue the remnant of the regiment from a similar fate, and for his services on that campaign was awarded the compliment of staff duty in the city of Washington. At bis own request, however, he was relieved from this, and rejoined his regiment when hostilities were threatened in Arisona two years ago. And now, as a reward for gallant and distinguished conduct In the field, he is given the prised recruiting detail. Capt. Noel is the guest of his cousin, the Hon. Amos Withers, at his palatial home on tho Heights; and our fair readers will be interested in knowing that he Is a bachelor, and, despite his years of hardship, danger and privation, is a remarkably fine looking man. DisTU?«nsrrED arrival. Fok Otiier Fields.—Ex-Judge Jim Harrison, who has been a familiar figure on our streets for the last year, and who was supposed toJ?e a retired flour merchant from Minnesota, out here to cure his asthma, is with us no more. He departed yesterday in charge of a detective, and will bring up at Joliet as the end of his journey. The duke then took the arm of his high bred consort and moseyed out of the room, to use his own words. "Of course," says he, "I ought not to expect too much of the provincial people one finds both in Canada and the United States, but if one is going to entertain one should have some crude ideas about entertainment, at least they should be cordial, even if they have nothing but macadamized pie and soft shell doughnuts."Great Scott, old manl that is hard luck! How much has he let you in for?" asked Noel, in the slang of the period. "Only a hundred and sixty dollars, fortunately; and I have made that good this morning—placed my own check to the credit of the recruiting fund in the First National bank, so that in turning over the funds to you there will be no loss. We have to make new papers for the clothtng account; but as quickly as possible I will have them ready for your signature and mine." The duchess wore a barege dress, with duchess tatting at the wrists and throat. The panels were held in place by basting threads of a contrasting shade, and the revers were draped over illusion and looped back with passementerie. Over all this she wore a Mackintosh and carried a dinner pail in one hand. She wore a fore and aft checked steamer hat and a green veil. Judge Jim objected to the course of The Kicker. He didn't like us one bit, and when he saw ns walking to the front he felt it a personal hit at binmrff. He threw out his hints that we were trying to run the town, but that he would make us chew cactus before he was done with us. One day two weeks ago he tried to force us into a personal quarrel, and we learned afterward that lie had a Derringer in his pants pocket and snapped at us, but it failed to go off. Believing that we could run the town better than the judge we began hunting up his pedigree, and in the course of a week discovered that he was an "escaped gentleman" from state prison. He went away saying that he owed us one, but as he has seven years yet to serve we shan't begin to worry for some time yet. "I do not go in for good victuals alone, for I can rough it very well, but the host I hate is the one, don't you know, that asks me to his house because I am a duke. Such a host has no more idea of hospitality than a Congo debutante has of Delsarte. I don't mind a little that is crude, very crude in fact, if it is a welcome, but if it's just a hippodrome, with duke in the middle and ginger ale on the side, I ask to be excused. y The duke has been traveling so much that he is looking somewhat mussed up and degage. In conversation with a newspaper man of Port Townsend he said that ho had been eating railroad victuals so much that he feared his liver was affected, and that possibly he had boil on his stomach. "There is no hurry whatever, old fellow," answered Noel, cheerily. 'Tve come back from the regiment a little Bhort of money, and I want to have a nest egg in the bank to begin with. It's a good thing to have a fat cousin, isn't it? He has always been very liberal and kind to me, and, luckily, I've only drawn on him twice. So Til hurry along." me. "When my plunging horse had carried me from before the motionless rifles, I managed to wheel him. As he came around I cried 'Fire!' and every one of those stolid men obeyed the 4 annand with absolute precision. That assured me all the more that had I opened my mouth while crossing their range I should have been a dead man, for they were not drilled sufficiently to distinguish a different order at the last instant, and yet followed one's words with a blind fidelity, "I have often thought," added the officer, with a strange smile on his hps, "that those recruits fancied I had cut across them to test their drill, for they showed no surprise, not the faintest sign of emotion when I suddenly wheeled and cried 'Fire!' But you may well believe that this was not the case. And I pledge you that never afterward in rifle practice did I get caught in so dangerous and helpless a situation."— New York Tribune. It is understood that Lieut. Lane, the present recruiting officer, has been ordered to return to his regiment at onoe, although the time has not yet expired. now a matter has to be recorded which will go far to convince many of our readers that Capt. Lane was even more of an old fashioned prig than he has hitherto appeared to be. After leaving the Vincents' late on the previous day he had come to his rooms, and sat there for fully two hours in the endeavor to compose a brief, manly letter addressed to Vincent pere. It was nothing more nor less than the old style of addressing a gentleman of family and requesting permission to pay his addresses to his daughter Mabel. A very difficult task was the composition of this letter for our frontier soldier. He was desperately in earnest, however; timo was short, and after several attempts the missive was completed. His first duty in the morning was to send that letter by an orderly to Mr. Vincent's office. Then he turned to his sergeant and asked for news of tho deserter. Not a word had been heard—not a single word. "Good officer, isn't he?" "Mr. Vincent," he cried, almost imploringly, "I cannot tell you how utter* ly my sympathy is with you in your anxiety and distress. I beg you not to give war—not to abandon hope. I—I think it may be in my power to help a little; only—it must be a secret between us. She—Mabel must never know." The duke is a fine conversationist. "There aro too many such folks, not only in the western hemisphere, but in England also. Look at the way Stanley is paying for his provender. He already wishes ho was back in the deepest jungle of Africa, with a jug of spoopju and the silence of the forest. Ho says that Africa is at times socially dull, but he don't have to sit up like a spitz dog and speak before he can get his cookie. He says that some of the receptions on the Dark Continent are extremely informal, and that a few bonmots addressed to the principal wives of the host, a compliment perhaps to the hostess on the beauty of her surcingle, then a good-by at the door to the daughter as he pulls with her the wishbone of a missionary, then out into the tropical night, and the exercises are over. "Ye—es, Lane isn't half a bad soldier. Of course it remains to be seen what sort of captain he will make. He has only just got his troop." Five minutes after Noel left, a district messenger entered with a note for Capt Lane. It was addressed to him in the handwriting of Mr. Vincent. He opened it with a trembling hand. It contained merely these words: In the expression on Capt. Lane's face as he finished this item there was something half vozed, half comical. A few hours afterwards, while he was seated in his office, the orderly entered, and announced two gentlemen to see the captain. Lane turned to receive his visitors, but before he could advance across the dark room the taller of the two entering the door made a spring towards him, clapped him cordially on the back, and, with the utmost delight, shouted, "How are you, old fellow? How well you're looking! Why, I haven't set eyes on you since we were out on the field hunting up old Geronimo's trail! By Jove! but I'm glad to see vou!" And Lane had no difficulty in recognizing at once his regimental comrade Gordon Noel. "But I mean he—well—is a brave man; has shown up well in these Indian fights you were telling us about." Still Harping.—Our jealous minded contemporary is still giving himself away in every issne of his poor old senile sheet, and snch subscribers as he has take it for the sole object of seeing what he says about us. The hair that broke the camel's back was our private graveyard. When we went to an expense of |60 to remove the seven bodies to a nice little plat of ground, and to identify each grave with a nice headboard, his gall bursted. He had no private graveyard. He went out to shoot somebody, but was knocked into the sand and his gun confiscated. He hasn't the nerve to even throw mud at an Indian. "I am obliged to leave for New York this afternoon. Can you come to my office at 1 o'clock? We can then talk without interruption; and I much desire "H'm!" answered Noel, with a quiet little chuckle. "If he wasn't, you bet he wouldn't have been all these years in the Eleventh. A shirk of any kind is just the one thing we won't stand. Why, Amos, when old Jim Blazer was our colonel during those years of the Sioux and Cheyenne and Nez Perce wars he ran two men out of the regiment simply because they managed to get out of field duty two successive years. Oh, no! Lane's all right as a soldier, or he wouldn't be wearing the crossed sabers of "the Eleventh." (TO IiE COSTISCED ) An Appalled GaeM. As the big bell on the city hall had struck one, Capt Lane appeared at the office of Vincent, Clark & Co., and was shown without delay into the private room of the senior partner. Mr. Vincent, looking even older and grayer in the wan light at the rear of the massive building, was seated at his desk and busily occupied with a book of memoranda and figures. He pushed back his chair and came forward at once at sight of Lane, and motioned to the clerk to retire. The cavalryman's heart was beating harder then he had any recollection of its ever doing before, except in her presence, and he felt that his knees mere trembling. But the old gentleman's greeting gave him instant hope: to see you. "T. L. V." This happened away in the backwoods of Arkansas. A tourist going over the state on horseback stopped for the night at one of the popular hotels of a certain locality. The hotel happened to be a log and slab affair of three rooms and the same number of beds, while the proprietor was the proud parent of nine wild and woolly looking sons under 12 years of age. After a supper of "hog and hom'ny" the host said to one of the boys: "It seems odd to him, I judge, to return and be made much of by a great many people who desire only to get to the front, as you say, by barking between his roars. Meantime Hank's victuals don't agree with him, and it keeps him all het up trying to think of new pieces to speak. The papers print what he says, and other explorers keep a scrap book and compare notes, and really there's nothing in it, don't you know. "Let me present you to my cousin, Mr. Withers," said NoeL Poor old man! Poor old contemporary 1 Your sun went down kerchunk when The Kicker was established, and you have been crawling in the moonlight evei-jjince. Blow away if it does yonr soul gocJ. It doesn't hurt us any, and bat for this escape valve you might take rat poison or roll into the river.—Detroit Free Press. And a stout, florid man, whom Lane had so often seen at the club, but to whom he had never hitherto been made known, bowed with much cordiality and extended his hand. Mr. Withers listened to these tales of the doings and sayings of the regiment with great interest. "Lane might have been here a dozen years," said he to himself, "and no one in our community would have known anything at all about the dangers his comrades and he had encountered in their frontier service. It's only when some fellow like Noel comes to us that we learn anything whatever of our army and its doings." He took his cousin to the great molding works of which he was the sole head and proprietor, and presented his foremen and his clerks to the captain, and told them of his career in the Indian wars on the frontier, and then upon 'change, and proudly introduced "my cousin, Capt. Noel," to the magnates of the Queen City; and, though not one out of a dozen was in the least degree interested in "the captain" or cared a grain of wheat what the army had done or was doing on the frontier, almost every man had time to stop and shake hands cordially with the handsome officer, for Amos Withers was said to be a man whose check for a round million would be paid at sight, and anybody who was first cousin to that amount of "spot cash" was worth stopping to chat with, even in the midsfc-of the liveliest tussle 'twirt bull and bear on the floor of the Chamber of Commerce. A tall, gray haired gentleman, with a slight stoop to his shoulders and rather tired, anxious eyes, who listened nervously to the shouts from "the pit" and scanned eagerly the little telegraphic slips thrust into his hand by scurrying messenger boys, was introduced as Mr. Vincent, and Mr. Vincent inquired if Noel knew Lieut.—or, rather, Capt.—Lane. "I have been everywhere I could think of, sir," said the sergeant, "and both the men have been around his customary haunts last night and this morning making inquiries, but all to no purpose. The detectives came and burst into his trunk, and there was nothing in it worth having. He had been taking away his clothing, etc., from time to time in small packages and secreting them we don't know where. One thing I heard, sir, that I never knew before, and that was that after he had gone to bed at night he would frequently Bteal out of his room and go away and never reappear until breakfast time in the morning. And now will the lieutenant—the captain—pardon me for asking the question, are the check books all right, sir?" "Come, Billy, get the broom straws." Nine broom straws of unequal lengths were produced by Billy. The father hid them in his hand in such a manner that only an end of each straw could bo seen. Then each boy drew a straw. NYE SEES TIIE DUKE. The duchess brought her work with her, and will stay in Billtong some time, they say. She sings some, and since her arrival has made the perspiration stand out on the brow of the hotel piano in a way which has alarmed the proprietor a good deal. Her grace sings the ballad "Sing, Sweet Bird," with much skill, hopping into tho high notes with great precision and a flushed face. Her grace also sings and plays the ballad entitled "O, bury me not in the deep, deep sea." It is quite a sad song, and quite a number of gents who heard her at the hotel went down to the bar to wipe their overcharged orbs on the row of towels which hang from the edge of the counter; also to enlarge their overcharged floating debt at the same time. Tho House a Woman Built. It is seldom that a woman plans and erects a house precisely according to her own ideas. Some five years ago, however, a foolhardy Bridgeport man gave his wife full permission to plan and build a house as she wanted it. Then he went away to South America, and was gone a year. When he came back she ushered him into a dwelling consisting of a parlor, kitchen, bed room and twenty-eight closets. In each closet there were several shelves and upward of four dozen hooks. Still, when the Bridgeport man retired that night he left his clothes piled on a chair. # And he did not complain until the next morning after breakfast, when his wife met fiim with a board off a dry goods box, n dozen nails and a flatiron, and asked him if he couldn't put up another shelf in that small closet which opened off the large front closet. "I didn't know," said he, "that you were a friend of Noel'B, or I'd have come to see you before, and invited you to my house." "Ha, ha!" said the merry parent jovially. "Bill, you an' Buck an' Lige git the short ones." "I am glad you have come, my dear "People with titles and people of prominence are often good at heart, but silly and selfish people, with oily words and each his little ax to grind, have ground and bore on and rode on these folks till they go about concealing their real sentiments from all but their wives, and wishing they could get among a troupe of well fed cannibals for a few months just for a change." Rush No. 8. "Friend!" exclaimed NoeL "Friend! Why, we've been partners and chums! Why, we've been all over this continent together, Withers! Fred, do you remember the time we were up on the Sioux campaign?—the night I went over with those fellows to hunt up the trail to the Custer ground? Let's see, you were acting adjutant then, if I recollect right. Oh, yes; you were back with the colonel." Lane received his Quests with perfect courtesy, but without that overweening cordiality which distinguished the other's manner* and then Mr. Withers entered into the conversation. Turning to Capt. Lane, he said: "I didn't know that you had been on the Sioux campaign. Were you there, too?" — i r ■■ ■■• —• • - ~—x sir; I am glad to know a man who was taught as I was taught. Young people nowadays seem to rush into matrimony without the faintest reference to their parents, and your letter was a surprise to me—a surprise, that is, in the fact that you should have sought my permission at all." Stranger (in modern gity)—Hello! Must be a big boom here. I see all the people are rushing to real estate offices. Trying to buy lots, I suppose. "What does that mean?" asked the amused guest, whose look of amusement faded away when his host said: * S "Mean? Why, that's a little way wo have o' settlin' which three of 'em shall sleep with any gent that happens to stop over night with us. I 'epect you'll find Buck and Bill and Ligo mighty lively bedfellers, but don't you be afeerd to give 'em a warmin' up with your boot or a bed slat if they git to trainin' too high. Go long, boys, an' pile in with this gent, and mind that you behave yourselves." —Detroit Free Press. Resident—No, sir. The boom is just over and they are trying to sell 'em.— New York Weekly. How to Please Her. "Take this chair, captain," he continued, as he returned to his desk. "I have much to say to you," he added, with a sigh. "Let me say at once that from what I know and have heard of you there is no man of my acquaintance to whom I could intrust my daughter's future with more implicit confidence. It is true that both her mother and I had at one time other hopes and views for her, and that we wish your profession was not that of arms. And now I beg you to be patient with me, and to pardon my alluding to matters whlSh you yourself broach in this—this most manful letter. You tell me that you are not dependent on your pay alone, but that from investments in real estate in growing cities in the west and in mines in New Mexico your present income is some five thousand dollars. As I understand you, the property is steadily increasing in value?" "Dearest." he said, "do you not think that I could make you happy?" "What put that idea into your head?" asked Lane. The duke Was greatly pleased with the general growth of America, and spoke especially of New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago and San Francisco, of which citiea he seemed to have quite a general idea. "I am sure you could, George—very very happy—if you would only"  "Only what, dearest; tell me how"  "Fall in love wiJi somebody else."— Washington Post. "Well, sir, some of the men tell me that he was always writing at his desk, and once Strauss said that he had picked up a scrap of paper that he hadn't completely destroyed, and the handwriting on it didn't look like Taintor's at all; h« said it more resembled that of the captain, and it made me suspicious. 1 never heard this until late last night." A sudden tnought oocurrea to LCane. Taking out his check book, he carefully counted the checks remaining and compared them with the number of stubs, and found, to his surprise and much to his dismay, that at least five or six checks were missing. The duke takes this trip in order to get much needed rest prior to going back and at once banning the arduous task of being Duke of Connaught and Strathearn; also Earl of Sussex afternoons and Duke of Saxony and Prince of Saxe-Cobourg and Gotha Tuesdays and Fridays. Fun at the Table. "New York," sr«id he, "has arrived at that very advanced stage of development when she coticises herself so severely tliat she doesn't leave anything else for her enemie* to say. She ia a superior city with an inferior government. The bare mention of politics makes her best citizens fairly gag, and the men who write the best articles on the importance of a wise ballot themselves forget to vote. New York is full of hogs who will partially disappear, with more room on the streets and better and more rapid transit. An Austin man read in the paper that the family should always be the scene of laughter and merriment, and that no meal should bo passed in the moody silence that so often characterizes those occasions. The idea struck him so favorably that when his family was gathered around tho table that evening he said: House Hunter—I could not move into this narrow flat. No Flace for Wags. Ov.iier—Why not? His left thumb was still sore from putting up a shelf before he went to South America. He seized his hat and started downtown, and as he went out he noticed hooks on the outside of the front door for the morning milk man to hang his wares on, and other hooks on the front gate on which distributors of advertising matter might suspend their literary efforts. A week later this house was burned down under suspicious circumstances, but though the Bridgeport man offered a remarkably large reward for the discovery of the incendiary, nothing ever came of it.—New York Tribune. Lane replied quietly that he had been with his regiment through that year—in fact, had never been away from it for any length of time, except on this detail which had brought Mm to his old home. On arrival at the pier seven lads, ranging from six to seventeen years of age, who had been bathing at the time, and had not had time even to put back the cotton in their ears, on hearing the tug approach came forward in full dress to welcome the duke and give him the freedom of the town. They then vocally requested God to save the queen, unless other arrangements had been made, and afterward resumed their bathing. House Hunter—There i3 no room for my dog to wag his tail.—Chicago Times. His Anxiety. Little Dude (to massive young lady)— Pardon me, mam'selle, bat ;auy I accompany you home thi3 evening? "Now, this sort o' thing of keeping so blamed mum at meals has got to stop. You hear me? You girls, put in an' tell stories, an' keep up agreeable 6ort o' talk like; an' you boys, laugh and be jolly, or I'll take and dust your jackets with a grapevine till you can't stand. Now begin!""Oh, yes; I remember having heard that this was your home. I am very sorry indeed that you did not make yourself known to me before," said Mr. Withers. "You know that I am a very busy man and don't get around much. Now you can come and dine with us this evening, can you not? Mrs. Withers will certainly expect you, now that Noel is here." "Send for a cab at once. I go down to the bank. You stay here, and when Lieut. Noel comes give him my compliments and ask him to sit down and wait awhile and read the morning "You don't mean to say you fear to *o alone?"—Fliegende Blaetter. "Boston is unruffled, quite English, eats good victuals, takes plenty of time to do it, drinks good rum—first buying a biscuit to eat with it, don't you know, and afterward turning it in and getting credit for it on the drink, so that another man can use it later on. Boston is a good place to live in, and an Englishman does not feel quite so put about and hustled and knocked down  out. you see. as he does in New York. By tho Sounding Shore. "It has steadily increased thus far, sir, and I think it will continue to do so for several years to come—in real estate investments at least." Maud—The beach is all littered with seaweed to-night. The glare that he sent around the table made the family as funny as a funeral. —Texas Siftings. The military guard of honor, wearing brief but highly inflamed coats, now presented arms, and the mayor read a short address of welcome, while the duke was looking after his luggage. He does not fancy being entertained by the provinces, and says he wishes they would let up on it. Jack—That is strange, isn't it? The orsan has such a reputation for being wJy.—Chatter. "Know Fred Lane? He is the best friend I have in the world," was the enthusiastic answer, "and one of the best men that ever lived." paper. HI be back in a very short time." Following the custom established by his predecessor, Capt. Lane had always kept the recruiting funds in the First National bank. His own private funds he preferred to keep in an entirely different establishment—the Merchants' Exchange."I am glad of this, on your account as well as hers, for Mabel has been reared in comparative luxury. She has never known what it was to wanjatenything very much or very long. ShSnias been educated on the supposition that her whole life would be equally free from care or stint; and if I were to die tomorrow, sir, she would be a beggar." "I am very sorry indeed, Mr. Withers, but I am already engaged." "You must make early bids if you want to get this young man, Amos," put in Mr. Noel, affectionately patting Lane on the shoulder. "It was just so in the regiment. He was always in demand. Well, when can you come, Fred? What evening shall we say?"" "It will depend, perhaps, on the day 1 turn over the property to you. How soon do you wish to take hold?" "Oh, any time. Any day. Whenever you're ready." "Ah! I'm glad to know you—glad to know what you say. The captain is a constant visitor at our house, a great friend of ours in fact. Ah! excuse me a moment." And Mr. Vincent seized a certain well known broker by the arm and murmured some eager inquiries in his ear. to which the other listened with ill-disguised impatience. Fweddie—My deah fellah,' do you know that Chawley Simpers is dangerously ill? Ilard Hit, Merritt—Did that critic read your poem and give you his opinion? Tubbs—He gave me his opinion.—Life. •Tust Ills Way. "I've trained down as fine as I can get," said the jockey, "and I'm still a pound and a half overweight." A Hard Life. In conversation with a reporter he 6aid: "At Bungola, Canada, a petty official whose name at this moment escapes me asked the duchess and myself to dine at his house. He said it would be very quiet—no one else there, you know, and all that. I told him I was tired and so was duch; but no, nothing would do but I must just drop in quietly and eat a little dinner with them. It would only take a few minutes and they would never forget it. When we got there the kraal was full of lunkheads that had been asked in to see the show, and a coaxse tradesman with whiskers in his Harrie—Why no, what is tie twoubble, old chappie? "Philadelphia Is like the gentle odor oi tansy and dill on a quiet Sabbath morning. She is so demure, and so totichful and so prim that she reminds mo of a sweet young widow I once took on a straw ride when I was a young man. She had lost her husband by death only a few months before. He had been sitting in a third story window, as it was in the prime of summer time, and doing a little chiropodizing on his own hook, when he lost his balance and fell to the pavement below, where he and his corn perished together. She had his features gathered up and sadly laid away, to be more Carefully rearranged on the Resurrection day by more competent hands. On the straw rido I was at first afraid to converse with her on current topics for fear of touching her great grief, but ero we got home she had milked a strange cow, smoked a cigar, stolen eight watermelons and put a split stick on the tail of the bull dog that was left to guard the same. The cab whirled him rapidly to the building indicated, and, although it lacked half an hour of the time of opening, he made his way into the office and asked to see the paying teller. Fweddie—Why ha v.-as coming down street yesterday and a thought struck him all of a sudden; today he's got bwain fever, don't yer know.—Kearney Enterprise.Signs of Stupidity. ' 'Well, there's no help for it," returned the boss; ' 'you'll have to go to the dentist and have your teeth pulled.—New York Evening Sun. And here, in great agitation, the old gentleman rose from his chair and began nervously pacing up and down the little room, wringing his white, tremulous hands and turning his face away from the silent soldier that he might not see the tears that hung to the lashes or the piteous quivering of the sensitive lips. For a moment or two nothing more was said. Then, as though in surprise, Mr. Vincent stopped short. - Withers and, of course, "the captain," were the center of a cordial- not to say obsequious—group so long t-a they remained upon the floor, and th i secretary presently came to them with the compliments of the president and a card admitting Capt. Gordon Noel to the floor of the chamber at any time during business hours, which that officer most gracefully acknowledged, and than went on replying to the questions of his new friends about the strange regions through which he had scouted and fought, and the characteristics ol tne Indian tribes with whom he had been brought in contact. And by the time Cousin Amos declared they must go up to the club for luncheon everybody was much impressed by the hearty, jovial manner of the "Will you kiwlly tell me if any checks on the recruiting fund have lately been presented for payment?" he eagerly asked. A Dreadful Worldling. He Stared Coldly. Wife (in a whisper)—John, here's a dollar to put in the plate. "These aro end seats, are they not?" inquired the dignified party standing in the aisle at tho theatre. "One of them is an end seat, sir," replied tho severely accurate usher recently brought on from Boston, as ho looked at tho questioner with a coldly classical stare.—The New Moon. "I'm ready now, today, if you choose,' was Lane's prompt response. "I fancied you might be here by to-morrow." "Yes, you bet I didn't let the grass grow under my feet. The moment ws got the telegraphic notification that the colonel's nomination was approved, I lit out for the railroad," said Noel, laughing gleefully. The captain was referred to the bookkeeper, and that official called him within the railing. Husband (none too softly)—Great Scott! Maria; this isn't Eye-talian opera. (Puts a nickel in the plate.)—Pittsburg Bulletin. "No less than four checks'were brought here yesterday for payment, and they came between half past 2 and 8 o'clock in the afternoon," was the bookkeeper's report. "There seemed to us something wrong in the simultaneous presentation of the four, and Iyvas on the point of addressing a note w you this morning to ask you to come down to the bank. Everything about it appears in proper shape and form, except that three of the checks have been indorsed payable to your clerk, William Tain tor, who came in person and drew the money." "Did you understand me, Capt. Lane? I do not exaggerate the situation in the least. I do not know how soon the ax will fall. We are safe for today, but know not what the morrow may bring forth. I may be met en route by telegrams saying that the journey is useless—that we are ruined—and the money I hope to get in New York to tide us over would come only too late. Next month at this time the house in which Mabel was born and reared may be sold over her head, with every scrap and atom of its furniture, and we be driven into exile. Do you realize this, sir? Do you understand that if you win her affection and she becomes your wife I have not a penny with which to bless her?" ears was holding a photograph album on his knees as if it was a new born child. He was a great coarse man, with open face and pores. He was an undertaker, and gave me his card. It seems that ice is verv hisrh where he lives. His card I still have with me. It reads as follows: Bad Rtason To. Mamie (softly)—Henry, papa thinks a great deal of you. Henry (tenderly)—Well, he ought to, darling; he's been owing me $50 since the 15th of last month.—Washington Star. IIo Had a Right. Harry—I thought you were engaged to Miss Rosebud. "And when will yon come in and take over the property? There's a good of clothing to be counted. As fpr the funds, they, of course, are all in the bank." Frank (proudly)—So I am. Harry—Well, I saw a man kissing her a little while ago. "Suit yourself about that, Freddy, old boy. I'm going down street with Amos now. HowH to-morrow morning do?" Frank—What! Who was tho fellow? Harry—Her father.—Boston Herald. C0.&iLMuffou* undertaker. EMBALM tR. AND OEAtER IN ICE AT BOTTOM PRICES. "LIVE AND LET LIVE IS MY MOTTO" BROKEN 'CL fOKPASTil} ANO wtooinfr.) A SPtClAlTT, The Hardest Thing. "But tell me, what was there so hard ' to bear in the penitentiary?" "Chicagois a great town, andhas so arranged it that you can't honorably cross the continent without stopping in to see her. She does not need anybody's sympathy in tho World's fair matter, and hasn't asked for it yet. The hotels in Chicago, however, as a general rule need airing. Most of them bough't their furniture during the war, and should buy some more now. They will have to improve greatly before '92 or visitors to the fair will make short stops. A great many of tho English, Germans and French have raoyey invested in Chicago and raiiio.ulci (-entering there. They will come iu 1.) see their property. Miss Igna Raymus—Do tell me, captain, how you find your way across! I have not seen a sign post or a mile stone since I was aboard.—Munsey's Weekly. dashing cavalryman, and thero were repeated hand shakes, promises to call, and prophecies of a delightful sojourn in their midst as he took his leave. Accommodating' Discharged Prisoner—The piano practice of the superintendent's wife.—Flie- Fliegende Blaetter. , "Very well indeed. You will find me here any time you come in." "Let me see the checks, if you please," said the captain. Sweet sixteen (at tho confectioner's to beardless clerk)—Have you any fringed kisses? "All right Now get oat of your yellow stripes and come along down with us. The carriage is right here at the door. We're going over to see the works—Mr. Withers' foundries, you know. Come." "Has Capt. Lane como in yet to lunch?" inquired Mr. Withers of the /liveried attendant at "The Queen City," as his cousin inscribed his name and regiment In the visitors'book, as intro:: 1 by "A. W.,n in ponderous strokes of t'.ic pen. They were speedily produced. Lane took them to the window and closely examined them. "We had to wait an hour for a guest who was a member of parliament from np in the woods somewhere. He had been delayed because lie couldn't get his milking done 0:1 time, as a bright little red heifer had presented him with an- Busted. Beardless Clerk (confidentially)-Just out' of them, but I can supply 3-011 with the smooth face variety.—Philadelphia "Why does she sing with her mouth closed?" "She has a falsetto voice and is afraid it will drop out."—Chatter. Reason Knough. "It has been a long time since wa met," said the father of the prodigal son. "I could not tell them," he said, "from my own handwriting; and yet those three checks are forgeries. I believe that the indorsements on the back are equally forgeries. Now, can I take these with me to the office of the chief of police, or do you desire that the detectives should be sent here? Tain tor deserted last night, and all traces have been lost. What is the amount that he has drawn?" "Mr. Vincent," answered Lane, "I would hold myself richer than any man in this world if I could know that your daughter cared for me and would be my wife. Do not think that I fail to sympathize and feel for you and all who are dear to you in your distress and anxiety but I am almost glad to hear that she it not the heiress people said she was. It is Mabel I want,"—and here his voice trembled almost as much as the old man's, and his honest gray eyes filled up with tears he could not down—"and with her for my own I could ask nothing of man. I have your consent to see her-j Tress, "Not for me, father. It has been a time of most infernal shortness."—Life. lie 1)1C1 Not Know How. "Yes, come with us. I think I have keaxd it was your father who—ah—who Was in the same line of business at one tiny Mr Lane." said Mr. Withers. LAiie, AmosKJaptam  Cheat Scott! you mustn't 'mister* a man Who has bcon through the years of service he has." "Now say your prayers," said the hawk to the bantam rooster, "for I am going to eat you." other proof of her affection. So he had Ho Meant It* A Precaution. yl'o, sir. It's considerably past the time the gentleman generally comes. I don't think hell be in today, sir." to stop awhile and see that mother and child were comfortable. Miss Pomeroy (who isn't handling th« gun like a true sportsman)—Does it kicld He—We are now coming to a tunnel. Are you not scared? She—Not a bit, if you take the cigar out of your mouths—Texas Siftings. "Alaa, how can I?" replied the rooster; "I am not a bird of prey."—West Shore. "Just as we sat down one of the host's children fell int»110 ice cream, and got quite chilled befor j the relief expedition could get there. On my right I had a freshman—I think he was a freshman. Anyway, he asked me the price of everything I wore, but did not know that Henry M. Stanley waa tbe Collingwood (enviously)—I wouldn't. —.Tudare. "Then we wont wait, Gordon. Well order for two. What wine do you like?" "San Francis, o i; t'.ie American Rome of ancient times, ihe American Paris of the present time, and some say looks like the American Jerusalem of olden times. She is what Alf. Tennyson would £»i! » corker* She liven well, dreeqea "One check, payable to the order of William Hayden for board furnished to the recruiting party, is to the amount of |46.50. The second, payable to James Freeman, and indorsed by Miq to Witt-. A Help. Razzle—Did you notice how many new clothes Robinson has? Reasonable. Just Harried. "I beg pardon. I did not so under- Ernd you, Gordon whan we wan fealkjlast night with the when we were ving our *rrnrikDiM4.rtn& aftr c&umt. Over at the dingy recruiting office Capt. Lane had forgotten about lunch* eon. There were evidences of carelessnesa on thejart of the clerk who hafl "Why do you always go to walk round the powder house?" "Because I am trying to break off amoking."—Fliegende Blaette& It is said that an Omaha doctor kisses his wife seventy-five times a day. That's what might be called a good practice.— pun's Horn. Dazzle—Yes. That's the only way he can stave off his tailor.—Clothier Furnisher.