Lititz Record

              Published Every F r i d a y Morning toy
J . KRANK BUCH.
OFFICE—On Broad street, Litit®,
Lancaster County, Pa.
'-TERMS OF S U B S C R I P T I O N . — F o r o n e y e a r
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t h e KECOKD f o r o n e y e a r , f o r h i s t r o u b l e - YOL.X LITITZ, PA., FRIDAY MORNING, FEBRUARY 18 1887. NO. 25.
Rates of Advertising in the Record.
l i n 2 in 3 i n . c. K c.
50 90 1 25 2 ?5 4 ftO
75 1 35 1 »1 S 25 5 75
1 (HI 1 75 2 50 4 »5 7 50
1 m o n t h 1 25 2 15 3 rtt fi 25 9 W 2 no s 25 4 50 7 5ft 1Ä ?f>
2 5ft 4 25 6 0ft 9 75 17 no
;-i «1 « 25 9 5ft 15 00 i>8 on
5 00 » 50 13 75 26 00 50 00
7 50
10 00
12 5p
15 00
23 09
31 Of
54 (S
9 6 ^
Yearly advertisements to be paid quarterly.
Transient advertisements payable in ad«
vance.
Advertisements, to insure immediate inser-tion,
must be handed in, at the very latest, by
Wednesday evening.
Job Work of all kinds neatly and promptly
executed at short notice.
All communications shojild bo addressed to
RECORD OFFICE.
Iiitltz, Laac. Co., Fa.
K P r i c e • Listi«-
from $2.00 to $15.00
from $2.00 to $12.00
Ready-made Overcoats,
Suits,
Suits made to Order,
from $8.00 to $35.00 Overcoats made to Order,
from $8.00 to $28.00 Knit Jackets,,
from 75c to $4.50 Wool Shirts,
from 65c to $2.75 White Shirts,
from 50c to $2.00 Percale Shirts,
from 50c to $1.50 Undershirts and Drawers,
from 20c to $2.00
Red Underwear,
Also Camelshair,
Bows and Cravats,
Silk Handkerchiefs,
Gloves,
Hose and half Hose,
Umbrellas,
Suspenders,;
Linen collars,
Celluloid collars,
Celluloid cuffs,
Linen cuffs,
Paper collars per box,
Hats,
Caps,
Fur caps, Fur caps,
Mufflers,Scarfsand Fur Mufflers
Gum coats,
from $1.25 to $4.50
By calling at my Store on Broad Street, you will find that at the above
prices any of these goods can be had.
E3S2S MS M ""I J . BBBOD «TOAUBIJH» —1
\ s \ s W ^ b L w w j n EJETHJob *M —J...[r. J I t r ^ S j P J C f t M ip
BROAD STREET, LITITZ, PA.
A. R. B O M B E R G E R ,
L I T I T Z ,
Has now in stock a large assortment of
STOVES, HE ATERS and RANGES
HARDWARE, PAINTS, OILS,
Skates, Sleds and Sleigh Bells.
HOUSEF U ilNISHINTG GOODS
Clover Seed, Horse and Cattle Powder, &e.
R E P A I R S F O R L I T I T Z P L O W C O ' S I M P L E M E N T S!
from 75c to $2.00
at $1.50
from 5c to $1.00
from 10c to $1.50
irom 10c to $3.50
from 5c to 50c "
from 75c to $3.00
from 25c to $1.00
15c
20c
45c
* 25c
from 10c up
from 20c to $5.00
from 15c. to $10.00
rjYHE OLD
Lititz Batery anfl Confectionery.
I n a d d i t i o n to i t s e x t e n s i v e daily o u t p ut
of Bread, Bulls, Buns a n d Cakes, will con-s
t a n t l y receive a n d k e e p i n stock
F r e s h C a n d i e s,
D r i e d F r u i t s,
N u t s o f a l l k i n d s,
O r a n g e s , B a n a n a s,
W h i t e G r a p e s , &c.
A f r e s h stock Just received, w h i c h will be
Bol 1 a t Special lloliday 1'rtces.
I. F. Bomberger.
E^cpacii'0 Ba^epfl,
L I T I T Z P A .
Fresh Bread, Rolls*
Buns, Sweet Cakes,
Strsislers, Sugar
Cakes, &c.,
Served dall in town and country. All orden
for funeral» or public gatherings promptly
attended to. A special feature In the buslnea
will be I, he baking of GENUINE RYE anil
BRAN BREAD. My aim shall be furnish <
good article at all times. Give me a trial Ktf
satisfy yourself.
Have also added "un necessary tools for or-namenting
cakes, and am now prepared ti
ornament cakes for weddings and parties i i
any style desired.
HOBACE L. «8CHBACH.
WARWICK HOUSE.
ONE SQUARE N, OP B. R. STATION
L I T I T Z , P A .
T h i s well-knowr. Hotel is conducted in good
s t y l e a n d offers e x c e l l e n t accommodations to
t h e t r a v e l i n g p u b l i c a t t h e lowest rates.
W H E N Y o u COME TO L I T I T Z STOP H E R E .
P. G. CARPENTER, Prop.
J ) E N N HOTEL,
PENN, LANCASTER CO., P A .
The p r o p r i e t o r h a s a m p l e a c c o m m o d a t i o ns
f o r t h e t r a v e l i n g p u b l i c a t r e a s o n a b l e r a t e s.
The b a r Is w e l l stocked w i t h choice
LIQUORS, W I N E S AND CIGARS.
I n passing b y t h e w a y stop.
Sloot84 B. J . 1BACII, P r o p ' r.
Union House,
AKRON, PA.
All neccessary a c c o m m o d a t i o n s for m a n
a n d beast, a t t h e m o s t r e a s o n a b l e r a t e s . All
k i n d s of Temperance Drinks a n d Choice
Cigars a t t h e b a r . The house is one of t h e
finest buildings i n t h e v i l l a g e . When t r a v e l -
i n g t h e way p l e a s e g i v e m e a call.
<QS,Telephone c o n n e c t i o n.
J O H N A. GETZ,
8Jun-<tf Proprietor.
STURGrlS HOUSE
HOTEL-:-AÌD-:-RESTAUR4HT,
LITITZ, P A .
This well-known House still c o n t i n u e s t o
accommodate t h e p u b l i c i n t h e m a n n e r so
well k n o w n a n d h i g h l y a p p r e c i a t e d by i t s
m a n y p a t r o n s.
—THE CHOICEST—
A MISERABLE WIFE.
AT THE BAR.
I j AGE H B E E R a n d other REFRESH-MENTS
a t a l l times.
R e t u r n i n g t h a n k s for m a n y past favors. I
hope t o r e c e i v e y o u r p a t r o n a g e In t h e f u t u r e ,
EDW. S. STURGiS, Prop'r.
LITITZ SPRINGS HOTEL
LITITZ, P A . *
J u s t r e c e i v e d a n e w lot of D u f f y ' s G e n u i ne
m e d i c l n a 1 M a l t W h i s k e y f o r I n v a l i d s . Also
a fine l o t of p u r e J u n i p e r Leaf D i s t i l l e d Gin,
f o r m e d i c a l p u r p o s e s , t h e finest G i n BOW in
use. Also a n e w l o t of M i s h l e r ' s G e n u i ne
H e r b B i t t e r s , n o n a l c o h o l i c , f o r dyspepsia,
A n e w l o i o f G r a p e M i l k , a r e f r e s h i n g d r i n k.
i o n - a l c o h o l i c . Also a f r e s h l o t of t h e
u n e q u a l l e d Yineling Ale, R i e k e r Beer,
V i n e m o n t p u r e W i n e s , s w e e t a n d s o u r , a n d
New Y o r k Oysters. Meals a t a l l h o u r s i n t h e
R e s t a u r a n t .
CHICKIENS AND WAITLES JSVKBT SUNDAY
FOB SUPPER. 1
J. P. STURGrlS, Prop'r.
TOBACCO BUYERS' BOOKS r e a d y f o r u se
c a n be h a d a t t h e Recorfl Office at, a l l
t i m e s . Also t h e best q u a l i t y of tobacco
p a c k e r s ' S a m p l e T a g s , r e a d y p r i n t e d.
"Yes, Professor, I am afraid I shall
have to rent or sell my farm. My wife
is so miserable. I cannot carry it on
without hiring, and hiring eats up all
the profits."
I looked at the speaker admiringly
He was about 50, but as robust as a
man of 30. His whiskers were neatly
trimmed, showing a full, red cheek.
He wore a jaunty hat and a natty
cutaway coat, and below his vest hung
a silk fob and a heavy gold seal. I
was proud of him. He was such a
perfect picture of the New York
trentleman from the rural district that
I wanted to imprint his picture on my
memory.
" So your wife is miserable ?"
" Yes, kinder droopin', with a dry
cough and no ambition. She just
kinder drags around the house, and
looks so peaked and scrawny it gives
me the blues. It does, I swan."
" Naturally weakly wasn't she ?"
"She? Oh, no. When I married
her she was the smartest girl on the
creek. She used to work for father,
and the way she made, the work stand
around took my eye. She was a poor
gal, and her industry got her a rich
husband."
Here he carelessly took out a gold
watch, looked at the time, put it back
and adjusted the silk fob on the front
of his nicely-fitting trousers.
" So she did well, getting married
on account of her industry ?"
" Why, of course; she was getting
only $2.50 a week, and she became
the mistress of a farm."
" Excuse me, but how much are you
worth now ? confidentially, you know.
I am a scientific man, will never use
such facts to your injury with the as-sessor."
" Well, Professor, I could crowd
0,000 pretty hard."
" That is good. How long haye you
been married?"
"Thirty years next Fourth of July.
We went down to Albany on a little
teeter, and I proposed the match and
Jane was willin'."
How much do you suppose you have
made ih the las thirty yeais ?"
" Hum—um—lemme see. I got the
Davis farm the first ten years, then I
run in debt for the Simmons place, got
war prices f .r my cheese, and squared
up both places. Well. I think I have
cleared up $30,000 since we spliced.
" Very good indeed. And your wife
has been a great help all this time ?"
" Oh, you bet! She was a rattler.
She took care of her baby and the
milk for twenty cows. I tell you, she
made the tinware flop. Why, we have
had four children, and she never had
a hired girl over six months in that
time!"
" Splendid ; and you have cleared
$30,000 in lhat time?"
" Yes ; easy."
"Now, how much has your wife
made?"
" She, why durn it, Professor, she is
my wife."
" I know it. But what has she
made ? You say she was poor when
you married her. Now, what has she
made ?"
" Why—by gum, you beat all.
Why, she is my wife and we own it all
together."
" Do you ? Then she can draw ou
your bank account ? Then she has a
horse and carriage when she wants
them ? Then she has a servant maid
when she wants one ? Then she rides
out for her health, and has a watch
and chain of gold as you do ? Is that
so?"
" I profess, you must ba crazy.
Nobody's wife is boss in that shape.
Whoever heard of such a thing ?"
" Now, look here. You say she did
well in marrying rich, and I cannot
see it. If she was getting $2.50 per
week when you married her, and had
saved her wages, she would have had
now $600. If she had invested it, she
would have had $5,000. Now you tell
me she is broken down and used up,
and miserable, and looks so badly she
makes you sick, and she has no money,
no health, and will get probably
nothing but a Scotch granite tombstone
when she dies ?"
" Professor, i f you was a younger
man I would lick you quicker'n a
spring lamb can jump a thistle."
" What for? I am stating the case
fairly am I not ? Your wife is no
longer young. She is no longer hand
some. Her hands are as hard as a
local editor's cheek, and she has
stooped over a milk can until she has
a hump on her back like a peddler;"
" Shut up, will you.
"She has raised four children.
One of them is at college. One of
them is taking music lessons at Boston.
The other two are teaching school.
She is at home alone, going around in
treadmill life, which will end in a
rose .vofld coffin and a first-class country
funeral."
" Stop that, Professor, will you ?"
" While you are a handsome man
with just enough gray in your whiskers
to make you look interesting, No
doubt you have been thinking of some
nice young girl of 18 who would jump
at the chance to marry your thirty
cows and twenty acres of hops.".
" Professor, I won't stay here if you
don't let up on that."
" And your wife does not look well
in that Watertown wagon, and so you
take the hired man and neighbors'
girls to meeting. Your wife never
goes anywhere, so you never give her
a watch like your own, nor a new silk
dress, nor a pony that she could drive,
nor a basket phseton that she could
climb into without a ladder. She
ueyer says anything, so you never
have got her a set of teeth like your
own gold and rubber, but she has got
to gum it until her nose is pushed up
into her forehead and her face wrinkles
like a burnt boot. She neyer goes
out, but she don't dye her hair as you
do yours, but it looks like a milkweed
pod gone to seed. She has to work in
the kitchen, so she gets no nice tooth-pick
shoes like yours, but she goes
ehumping around like a sheep in a
dry goods box."
" Darn my skin if I don't
"No, you won't; you will just let
her work right along, and then you
will marry some high-flyer who will
pull every hair out of your head, and
serve you right too."
"Professor, for mercy's sake stop.'.
" When you know, and I know, that
if your wife had a chance to rest, had
nice clothes like other women, she
would be one of the handsomest
women in the town."
" I swan, I believe it."
" And old as she is, if you were to
get out the carriage next Sunday and
drive around with the colts, and tell
her you wanted her to go to meeting
with you, she would actually blush
with pleasure."
" Blamed if I don't do it."
" Then, Monday, if you were to tell
her you were going to hire a girl, and
that she must sit in the sittingroom by
that new nickled-plated coal stove and
work on' that new silk dress you are
going to buy her "
" Professor, that's she,"
" And then hand her a nice wallet
with steel clasps and with five new
$20 notes in it, and tell her to do her
own trading after this, because you
have got tired of looking after so
much money."
" I will, as sure as you live."
" And then when the tear stands in
her eye a!id the same old blush comes
out that you thought was so nice when
you went on that teeter to Albany, if
you should kiss her —"
Then, my friend, I would begin to
think she had made something by
marrying a rich man."
" You're right, old man."
"Then I think you would no
longer have a miserable wife. Then
you would no longer want to rent or
sell the farm, but would be showing
the mother of your children how much
you respected her for her life of devo-tion.
Then she would know she was
a partner in that $30,000. Then if
you made you will all right, and she
had a good rest, I think she would
some time be an eligible widow."
"Think so, Professor?"
"I know it. Woman is a plant
that wants sunshine, You have been
leaving your ¡wife in the shade too
much. The ha3 lost her color. You
have made her think she is an old
woman. She has given up all hope of
admiration and love, and i3 only wait-ing
to die to get out of the way.
Suppose you were treated so ?"
- " What, me ? I am all right."
"Yes, I know. Women pity you
because you are tied to such a sorry-looking
wife. Foolish old maids and
silly girls whisper behind your back
what a nicelookmg man you are, and
what a stick of a wife you have got,
and you are just soft enough to wear
tight boots and oil what little hair you
have left on the top of your head and
go around figuring up how long before
your wife will die."
" Say, now, see here, Professor, there
is a limit to endurance. I am going.
" I am coming down to see you next
week; will it be all right ?"
" Yes, if you drop this kind of talk
and won't tell of my complaints about
my wife. I will try your medicine.
Would you stick for that part of your
prescription about the pocketbook and
$20 notes "
" How much did you say you had
made together ?"
" I cave. The dress will be all
right, and the pony and phaeton will
be handy for the gals. Come down
and see us, old man, but not a word
about this talk. If you wasn't an old
man I'd—" Tipping his Derby back
on his head and shaking the wrinkles
out of his light trousers, he put his
hands into his pockets and sauntered
away. " There," said I, " is one man
who has taken the only legal and God
given way of getting rid of a miser-able
wife."
Jjetter F r om Ohio.
LUDLOW FALLS, O . , F e b . 9 .
I have long since thought of giving
a short history of my lite when I was
a boy, and a sketch of my western life.
I.was put out among strangers to live,
work, and battle my way through, and
that at times was a little tough. But
again I had some consolation when I
visited my old aunts. I often think
how good they were, when I got to
their house, Aunt Susan and Mattie
would always give me something to
eat before going away, either pie or
cakes, besides giving me words of com-fort
that will never leave my memory
as long as I live. But I have not that
privilege so much since I came west. I
often wish I could go over and sit
down and talk and take a meal or
two; I know they would enjoy i t ; I '
know I would also enjoy a visit among
my friends. But so it is; I am here
in the West, and while I am settled
here I have my things to look after
and can not go at any time.
I have been in Ohio twenty-five
years, where brother John, father and
sister haye all been to see me. I m"et
John Minnich, Sr., at our annual
meeting, three or four times, and was
always glad to see him. I came to
Ohio in the year 1860, about March
or April, a little too late to hire out to
work on a farm. By traveling around,
and on the 15th of April, good luck,
as it happened, a man hired me to
work on a farm, for $15 per month.
I worked until fall, when I went to
milling. I could give a very interest-ing
history of the years of my ife
since a boy, wandering away from his
native home to the far West. Still
this may be a lesson to many a young
girl and boy. But I will stop here.
I may some future day write more.
I have had good luck and bad luck,
but we thank God that we have good
health.
The first part of the winter was very
cold and a good deal of snow, but for
about three weeks now it is rain and
mud. Times are very good here now,
and we have no reason to complain.
The market is getting better in every
respect, and business of all kinds in
good condition. Our wheat fields at
the present time are showing a fine
prospect, but no telling how it may
turn out until another harvest is here.
A. E . BURKHOLDER,
formerly of Warwick township.
—Fanny Davenport, whose diamonds
were stolen for her by a night clerk in
a hotel in Kansas City, has recovered
them again. A Pinkerton detective
ferreted out the missing ^valuables.
The thief is under arrest.
—Thirty-eight carloads of visitors
in one day went to Montreal to the
ice carnival. The ice castle is
pronounced superb by those who have
seen it.
—At a "John party" lately in this
state every son of a man named John,
was given a piece of cake and a plate
of ice cream scot free.
—A lady in London, Ontario, has
a Marechal Niel rose tree on one side
of which the roses are crimson and on
the other white. Some of those on the
centre stock are divided in color, being
half crimson and white.
— A crank something on the style
of Guiteau made an unsuccessful at-tempt
to takf the life of Patti in San
Francisco. She was giving a concert
in the grand Opera House when in the
midst of the programme a deafening
explosion was heard and smoke seen
to issue frem the top gallery. A panic
in the audience was prevented only by
the self possession of the newspaper
men, who beckoned to Patti to eon
tinue. On investigation it was found
that the man intending Jo do the
mischief had been seriously burned
by the machine bursting in hi3 hands.
He was heard to remark during
the evening, that Patti wa3 singing
well to-night, but she will never sing
anymore."
Only a Side Dish.
" Will you please give 'me twenty-five
or fifty cents ?" he wailed; I'm
starvin'!"
" Can't you buy a loaf for less than
twenty-five or fifty cents ?"
" Yes; but do you think a man can
make a dinner on bread only ? It's
nothin' but a side dish."
The Verdict Unanimous.
W. I). Suit, druggist, Rippus, Ind., tes-tifies
: " I can recommend Electric Bitters
as the very best remedy. Every bottle
sold has given relief in every case. One
man took six bottles, and was cured of
Rheumatism of 10 years' standing."—
Abraham Hare, druggist, Belleville, O.,
affirms; " The best selling medicine I
have ever handled in my 20 years' expe-rience,
is Electric Bitters."- Thousands
of others have added their testimony, so
that the verdict is unanimous that Elec-tric
Bitters do cure all diseases of the
Liver, Kidneys or Blood. Only a half
dollar a bottle at the Lititz Drug Store. 2
When Baby was sick, we gave her Castoria,
When she was a Child, she cried for Caetoria,
When she became Hiss, she clang to Cnstoria,
Wbea she had Children, ahe gave them Caetoria,
An Immense Building.
A. J. Drexel will elect on the site
of the old Philadelphia post office
building one of the largest and finest
private buildings in the country. On
this great lot he proposes to erect one
vast building eight stories high of
dressedjand carved white marble, in
the same style of architecture as the
present Drexel bank on the corner of
Fifth and Chestnut streets, now the
height of a three-story building, but
which will be carried up five stories
higher and made a part of the great
new structure. Mr. Drexel will buy
the Independence National Bank,
building if he can and tear it down,
but if he cannot he will build around
it. It is said that plans are being
drawn both ways, to take in the
ground of the Independence'Bank and
to leave it out in case it cannot be
bought.
The Stock Exchange will be located
in the new building, on the Chestnut
street fornt, and the rest of the build-ing
not occupied by Drexel's bank
will be rented. It is expected that
the principal tenants will be bankers
and brokers now on Third street, and
Mr. McKean is quoted as saying that
the new building will hold them all.
The new building will contain a num-ber
of passenger elevators and the inter-ior
will be finished in the most expen-sive
and elaborate style in hard woods
and ornamental stones.
An Old-Pashionod Saying,
This expression is a corruption of
an old-fashjpned saying that originated
in the early days of this country.
As most of you know, wild geese,
when they migrate in autumn, form
themselves into lines shaped like the
letter V, the leader flying at the point,
the two lines following : and as they
sail away, far above the trees, and
beyond all danger from guns,—on
tho3e cold mornings when the air is
clear, and the sky beautifully blue,—
they seem full of glee, and join in a
chorus, " Honk, honk, honk !"
Any one who has heard those cur-iously
sounding notes, never could
mistake them. And the folks on the
earth below who heard the birds' wild
call, in old times, realized the happi
ness of the wingai creatures in being
so high and safe. And so it became
quite natural, when two persons met
each other under peculiarly favorable
circumstances for this or that enter-prise
for them to say : Everything is
lovely, and the goose honks high!"—
St. Nicholas.
Donkey Parties.
Donkey parties are the latest things
in the way of social gatherings. A
large silhouette, representing a tailless
donkey is cut out of paper or cloth,
and fastened upon the wall. To each
of the guests are given a cambric
tail and a pin. Then they are blind-folded,
one by one, placed in a corner
opposite the donkey, are whirled
three times around, and then started
in a blind search for the donkey,
upon which if they reach it the tail is
to be pinned. If the guest goas in
another direction and stumbles agaiust
a wall, door, chair, or anything else,
there he must leave the tail. The
movemeuts of the blindfolded are
apt to be ludicrous. The person who
makes the best effort to place the
tail upon the donkey where it belongs,
receives a present of some kin'I, while
the guest who makes the most unsuc-cessful
effort gets the booby prize.
Spurious Religion.
[For theRECOKDj
I fancy that the world would glide
Along without a jar,
If there were less of stubborn pride
I n men who leaders are.
If there were more of mutual trust
And real godliness
And less of selfish greed and lust,
Or slavish narrowness.
I fain would speed the blessed day
When perfect love shall reign,
And bigotry shall pass away
With all her guilty train.
When mother earth renews her youth
In beauty's livery
And universal faith and truth
Shall make mankind all free.
That day we all might hope to see
Were all in love agreed
To labor with sincerity
For all mankind's great need
If man in fellowship with man
Would lend a willing ear
To all who advocate the plan
Of having heaven here.
A. S. B.
—Meet me at the gate, love," has
been changed to " Meet me at the
grate, love." The cold . weather has
necessitated the change.
Excitement in Texas.
Great excitement has been caused in
the vicinity of Paris, Tex., by the re-markable
recovery of Mr. J, E. Corley,
who was so helpless he could not turn in
bed or raise his head; everybody said he
was dying of Consumption. A trial bot-tle
of Dr. King's New Discovery was sent
him. Finding relief, he bought a large
bottle and a box of Dr. King's New Life
Pills; by the time he had taken two box-es
of Pills and two bottles of the Discov-ery,
he was well and had gained in flesh
thirty-six pounds. Trial Bottles of this
Great Discovery for Consumption tree at
he Lititz Drug Store. 2
Wit and Humor.
" Wnat will follow the toboggan ?"
asks an exchange. Another toboggan ;
interval about thirty seconds.
You light a match to make it burn,
and burn a match to make it light.
The man who doesn't advertise can't
see this.
Boarding-house Keeper—" You old
fraud ! how do you walk around if you
are blind ?" Beggar—:< I be'ant blind
in me legs, mum ?"
1 have a theory about the dead
languages," remarked a Brown
University freshman; " I think they
were killed by being studied too
hard."
A notice posted in a certain town
reads " Cash paid for butchers' hides."
This shows what popular indignation
against butchers may lead to.
The other extreme : Lady—" I
should like to have my head shaved,
please." Hairdresser—"Your head
shaved, madam ?" Lady—" Yes, I
expect to go to the theatre to night."
A young gentleman wishes to kuow
which is proper to say on leaving a
young lady friend after a late call,
good-night or good-evening. Never
tell a lie, young man ; say good-morn -
ing.
Angelina—" Have you seen Drogan,
the actor? Oh! he's just splendid."
Eugenia—" How do you know ?
Have you been ?" " No ; but he has
a beautiful fur overcoat. I saw him
on the street."
A manufacturer out West informs
us, and wishes us to inform the
American public, that his patent buzz-saw
has just captured the finger of
scorn, and that it will never ag-tin be
pointed at any one.
Grandma—"Johnny, I have dis-covered
that you have taken more
maple-sugar than I gave you.'
Johnny—" Yes, grandma ; I've been
making believe there was ano ther lit-tle
boy spending a day with me."
Wife—" I don't see how you can
say that Mr. Whitechoker has an
effeminate way of talking. He has a
very loud voice." Husband—" I
mean by an effeminate way of talking,
my dear, that he talks all the time."
Guest (who had been elegantly
served with almo3t nothing)—" Now,
waiter, that I haye struggled through
eleven courses of cut-glass, silver and
air, I begin to feel hungry. Bring me
some corned-beef and cabbage a'nd a
glass of plain every-day water."
" I have found a letter from a wo-man
in your pocket," said a jealous
wife to her husband; " it is signed
' Annie' too. It is bad enough for
you to be running around after other
women without getting hold of one
who has my name." Did you notice
the date ?" " Why, it is dated October,
3, 1873." " Yes, my love, it is one of
the love letters you wrote me before
we were married."
" Has the Prince of Wales ever run
after you ?" asked a manager of an
imported actress. "No," was the
regretful reply; " but my name has
been coupled with those of a duke
and two lords." " I'm afraid," said
the manager, shaking his head, " that
I can't offer you any inducement.
The lord business has become so com-mon
that the American public has
drawn the line at the Prince of Wales."
He—" Yes, I think men are more
considerate than women." She-
"What makes you think so?" "Well,
you see that young lady in front of us ?
She wears a high-crowned hat and the
man behind her can't see over it."
" I see." " Now see the man in front
of her, who is so earnestly watching
the pretty girls in tights." " Well ?"
" He is so considerate of those behind
he does not even wear his hair, let
alone his hat.
It cannot be that " to the pure all
things are pure," for almost every-thing
is adulterated nowadays.
What this country wants is a dentist
who can draw your tooth without
drawing your attention to the fact.
Mormonism will never be eradica-ted
until a man is compelled to have
as many mothers-in-law as wives
living with him.
Teuton (who has blown out the
gas)—Py chiminy, dot limpurger
schmells goot. Dey must be some
fellers round here heffin a late
lunch."
Photographer (to awkward youth)
—Your position is a good one.
Youth—I know it, but the boss is
going to raise my salary to $7 a
week on the first.
Farmer—Do you want this job of
ahoyeling snow ? Tramp—I am not
a snow shoveler; I sprinkle lawns.
The man who shovels snow will be
along in about ten minutes. ,
The Household says: " The com-ing
girl will walk five miles a day."
Now, if we only knew where the
coming started from we could find
out when she would get here..
Husband—What are you reading,
my dear ? Wife—A long letter from
mother. Husband—Has she any thing
in particular to say? Wife—I don't
know; I haven't got to the postscript
yet."
Items of Interest.
A man in Iona, Mich,, has a turkey
which pulls a sled and makes good
time.
Boys under 16 years of age can no
longer buy tobacco at Grass Valley,
Cal.
At Council Bluffs, la., the other
day 3 women were divorced in tho
morning and married again in the
afternoon.
Fifteen years ago Kinch Kitche
of Tallapoosa, Ga., resolved never to
get mad or vexed. He claims to have
lived up to his resolution so far.
An Indian called upon the editor of
the Crescent City, Cal., Record a few
days ago and threatened to scalp him
for publishing his name in the paper
for getting drunk and raising a row.
Albert Nickerson, a 12-year old lad
of Sag Harbor, daily sits down to the
table with his father and mother,
grandfather and grandmother, and
great-grandfather and two great-grand-mothers.
A Santa Cruz Cal., constable arrest-ed
a man recently, and not wishing to
put him in a cell for a trivial offense
he handcuffed the prisoner and his
wife together and locked them in a
hotel-room, where he found them safe
next morning.
While Captain Cameron, of Port-land,
Oregon, was walking on a dock
the other morning smoking, a ball
from some unknown rifljman struck
his pipe, carrying it all away except
a little bit between his teeth. The
Captain swore roundly at losing his
smoke.
The train in which Patti reached
Los Angeles, Cal., from Mexico had a
narrow escape somewhere in Arizona.
It got out of the control of the hands
while running down a long grade, and
for a considerable distance a speed of
eighty miles an hour was reached.
A 14-year-old school-girl met a sad
death at DuBois, Mich., recently.
She returned to the school to get her
books, having forgotten them. She
pushed the window-sash up, and was
in the act of climbing into the school-house
when the sash fell on her neck,
holding her there till she diesl.
A singular freak of the wind of
last week is visible in a Deadwood,
Dak., building. A piece of the roof
of a store, about 7 feet wide and 12
feet long, was lifted up, carried across
the building and deposited some dis-tance
off. The hole has every
appearance of having been made with
a saw and hatchet, and so artistically
and clean cut as to give the appear-ance
of haviug been done by an
expert carpenter.
A Daylight Burglary.
" Burglary I" she gasped, as she
entered the detective's room at police
headquarters the other day.
"When?"
" Two hours ago ? And right before
my eyes, too!''
" Please get your breath, ma'am,
and give us, the particulars."
" Well, sir," she said, after a few
gasps to get her voice. " I was stand-ing
looking out of the window. A
roughly dressed fellow came across
the street and opened the gate. I
knew he was a burglar the moment I
saw him, and I kept my eyes open.
He looked up and down street and
around the house, and then—then, sir,
he—!"
" Wasn't the front door locked?"
" Oh, yes."
" Then how did he get in ?" .
" He didn't get in, sir, but he grab-bed
my pug dog off the doorsteps and
was gone before I could get down
stairs!"
Johnny Was Jealous.
"Mr. Lighthead." said Johnny,
" my sister treats you better'n she
does me." ,
" Does she, Johnny ?" asked Light-head,
with a laugh. " Why do you
think so ?"
" Well, I heard her tell ma she gave
you lots of taffy' but she - never gives
me any."
—"Isn't your husband a little
bald?" asked one lady of another,
lately.
"No, there isn't a bald hair in his
head," was the emphatic reply.
iSüfFor Engines, Boilers, Separa-tors,
Horse Powers, Threshing
Machines, and all k i n d s of repairine;
goto A. B. Wolgemuth, Manheim, Pa.
He will give you low prices an
guarantee satisfaction. First-class
machiniosts employed. 21a
ST. ELMO H o ? E I I , S o s . 317 a n d 319
Arch street, Philadelphia.—Rates re-duced
to $2. p-ir day. The traveling
public will-stiii. find at this hotel the
same liberal provision for their come
fort. It is located in the immediate,
centres of business, and places of annus-ment
and t h e different railroad depots,
as well as all parts of the city, are
easily accessible by street cars con-s
t a n t l y p i s s i ng the doors. IT offer
special inducements to those visiting
the city for business or pleasure. Your
patronage is respectfully solicted.
JOSEPH M . FEGEK,
oc71y- ; Propr.