Pittston Gazette

              ESTABLISHED 18«0. » VOL. XLHI. NO. 67. i Oldest Newspaper in the Wyoming Villey. P1TTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2!), 1893. A Weekly local and Family Journal. j,,S?3?ii5gS,M ta a cage next to the parrot's cage. Ths parrot began by trying to dazzle the Dwl with his conversation, but it wouldn't work. The owl sat and looked at the parrot just as solemn a* t minister whose salary has been cut town, and after awhile the parrot tried rum with Spanish. It wasn't of any ase. Not a word would the owl let on xD understand. Then the parrot tried and laid himself out to make .he owl believe that of all the parrot* ,n existence he was the ablest. But he 'juld not turn a feather of the owL That ■oble bird sat silent as the ffrav* and ooked at the parrot as if to say: "This is ndced a melancholy exhibition of imbecility." Well, before night, that par* ot was so ashamed of himself that be losed for repairs, aud from that day orth he never spoke an unnecessary vord. Such, gentleman, is the force of x ample in the very worst of birds AUNT MASIE, THE SNAKE WOMAN bouc&eiine, wuo preacues bell destruction as an absolute necessity to salvation, lie is very eloquent, and it is said that he often leaves a church with a dueen suicides' remains strewn about the floor.—London Mil- HE WAS CAUGHT." ly. "But who else?" "I am," she whispered low. "No one else?" BILL NYE AND VIC. pearly rangs ana ripe, geranium noeea may not like it, but it is intended for the intelligent reader: Death of a Queer Creature Who Lived In Thought That Her Picture Waa In '*■» a Hut With Hundred* of Snakes. Trunk, but It Wasn't. There has leceutly diec a well kuowu character of this neighborhood known at "Alint Masie litiggins,'' or the "snake woman," who lived uu isolated life, with snakes as her only friends. She had built herself a hovel, composed of branches of trees, clay and other debris, which, though uften wa&hed down by the rains, she would build up again. This novel residence Is mid to have !Deen fairly alive with snakes of every local variety, hanging from overhead, lying under foot and creeping from the chinks in the wall. The woman subsisted on the products of a small garden near her cabin, which she cultivated herself. With the exception of the necessary intercourse with those from whom she purchased the few things she required, she waa never known tot' over 8J years to have held any conversation with 5uy human being. She could often be met after dark walking through the town with her strange companions twined about her arms, her neck and nestling in her bosom, with their ugly hea/jU protruding, hissing at every one that passed. lion. "HI never write anything to my wife again while I am on the road unless I have the truth to back me up," said a New York drummer the other day. "It doesn't pay," he continued in a tone so melancholy that the writer became interested in the story. "No one." He laughed harshly. "Why do you mock me?" he asked. "We are aione." "We are not," she insisted. "Qh, George," and her voice took on a tender, pleading tone, "can't you see we are not alone?" HE WRITES FROM THE QUEEN'S DRAWING ROOM, BUCKINGHAM PALACE. Colony Fork, Tex., Aug. t3. Mr. William Nye, Buck Shoal, N. C.: Deab Sir—As I cannot help but feel that I have been outdone a little on buying a five acts tract of orange land in Florida, I have come to you to see what you think about it. The Woman Who Give* Adrlce. She is a very wearisome woman, the one who gives you advice. Sending In an Engraved Card With a Note She does not wait till you ask for it or she thinks you need it. of Introduction From an Assistant Em- The laud was described In an advertisement as follows: "Five acres of very rich dry land. Cleared and ready to be plowed, and planted in oranges. Will not require any irrigation, aa there Is generally abundant moisture in the land. Price, $1,000, cash. A great bargain." Well, I bought the land, and I then took a trip down there to see it, but I never did get to *ee It, although I found it by wading on my tiptoe* In water up to my ohln. The land la there, no doubt, for I could feel it. But the trouble is, it Is out in the middle and at the bottom of a big lake. The oompany says they did not misrepresent the land in their ad. They Bay the land waa perfectly dry at the time they sold it, although the lake had not been known to be dry before in 20 years. Now, please let me know what you think about this. Can you see anything wrong about it? How can I utUiae this land so aa to get my $1,000 back out of it? Yours truly. She has it in store, and if you happen along she pours it out on you. "Well," he said upon being pressed, "the last time I went away my wife gave me a picture of herself in a frame, and I put it in my trunk while packing up. Two or three days later I was up along the road, at Syracuse, I believe, and I was in a tremendous hurry to catch the train for Rochester, as I would loee several hours and have to remain another day there if I did not go on that train. As I am in the habit of writing home often while on the road, I though! I would send a few lines after I reached the station. Accordingly I went to a hotel across the road from the station and wrote my letter. bassador—Adventure With a Poor Girl. He looked at her bewildered. "No, I cannot." he said. The girl led him out into the light. "George," she asked slowly, "are yon here alone?' A Letter From Home. It usually happens, too, that she pour* it most freely wheu you can't use it, don't want it, wouldn't have it and wish she would keep still. [Copyright, 18S3, by Edgar W. Nye.] Queen's Drawing Room, Bucking- ) ham Palace, 9 o'Clock P. M. ) Most every one, even in America, baa heard of the queen's drawing room. All over the world one reads of it with wonder and admiration. Many of my friends who knew me as a poor boy with all the chores on my hands, as well as a large brood of warts, will wonder when they read that Little Snuffles, as I was called as a babe, is here in the queen's drawing room, noted the whole world over. She has sharp eyes, as a rule. They are not bright and pretty, but restless little beads that look as if they were threaded with a pin point which priclu. you at every glance. "No," he replied, "you are with me." "Am I here alone?" [continued ] Well, her title to Monksburst and the property was fully proved. For a long1 time she did not realize her good fortune, but gradually the pleasant truth dawned upon her iu a sunrise of nice dresses, jewelry %nd plenty of money. Chancery stepped in like a severe foster parent and sent her to school. There she remained for several years: but Charles Brinkley, who had first taken in hand the vindication of her claims, and who never ceased to be interested in her, saw her from time to time and took particular note of her improvement in her grammar and in the gentle art of speech. "No, I am with yon." C&aiTertt XVL TSD "MURDERED" MAS. If she looks, it is to criticise-, if she listens, it is to suggest; if she speaks, it is to relate her experience and explain her way. You may meekly suggest that you alio would like to come by your knowledge through experience, but she seems to be doubtful if so unimportant an individual will ever have auy of the happenings that teach. "Then, George," she exclaimed tzi omphantly, "how is it possible when neither of us is alone that both of us are alone? Is not the integer the same as its fractional parts? Is the sum of two pigs and two pigs four beans?" and in th« swirl of this Bostonian logic George forgot why he had so hurriedly entered the •uom.—Detroit Free Press. Ye*, It waa the artist himself, look- a little pale and carrying one arm in a sling, but otherwise, to all appearanoe, in good health. A boat the Rainbow. in many countries the rainbow la poken of as being a great bent pump at iphon tube, drawing water from the -prth by mechanical means. In parta of .ussia, in the Don country, and also in loscow and vicinity, it is known by a aine which is equivalent to "the ben* "t'oer pipe." Willi* Avin. Monk had strong nerves, but he oonld not prevent himself from uttering a wild cry of horror and wonder. At the same moment Matt went to the "Upon my honor I did not want to deceive my wife, but I knew she wouV never forgive me if I did not say something about the pleasure I derived from having that photograph. So I added a few lines telling her what a comfort il was to me to have her picture with me, or words to that effect, and then J mailed the letter, feeling satisfied with myself. Of course I had not looked at the picture, because I had been literally on the jump ever since I had been away from the city and had not had a chanct to think of anything except business. Besides, I hed not opened the trunk is which I kept my clothes since leaving home. I called an hour ago, just too late for dinner, and asked the major general commanding the approach tb the front P. 8.—Please answer in your letter. I enjoy reading your letters in the paper very much. Yours truly, W. A. On these occasions, however, when hailed or questioned she would make no reply. Once some boys of the neighborhood prowling about her cabin found several of the snakes on the outskie and killed them, and before they were aware of it Aunt Masie appeared in the doorway armed with a shotgun, which she let fly at the -crowd. None of the boys was killed, but one of them was shot through the ear, and the rest scattered in a hurry. That the woman's mind was affected there seems little doubt. Iler only son while out hunting in the woods was bitten by a rattlesnake, and days afterward his swollen and discolored body was found. This appeared to craze his mother, who left her home, saying the the snakes were calling her to come and live with them and that they would give her back her boy. She means well—oh, bless hr., yes—but she is very "wearing" to mortals who come In her way and have mislaid their wings.— New York Advertiser. A HONEYMOON EPISOO& Dear Willie, do not be cast down. Other people have been treated just the same and recovered. A friend of mine in the mountainous districts of the argentiferous west, once while in search of a grub stake, which means a grocer who feels like furnishing a prospector with floor and bacon for the winter with young man's side, and, with an air of Indescribable trust and sweetness, took bis hand—the hand which was free— •nd put it to her lips. Character*—Dick, newly married) P-Mi wife; Tom, a confirmed young bachelor. Dick- Sew are yon, old fellow? You staying in town! Seems jolly to see you. My wife will be down- Tom— - I really cant stay. Merely thought I'd drop ti To see how you're looking. You haven't grow* thiol Dick- Ah, Tommy, yon missed the best part of ran life, , "The proof is here," he e»id, osljsi.v* "here upon my person. I am not quite dead, you see, Mr. Monk, of Monkshurst, and I thought I should like to bring it to yon myself. It consists, as fou are aware, of Col. Monk's dying message, written on the fly-leaf of his prayer book, and of the marriage certificate of his wife, both these having been placed upon his child's person, concealed by the unsuspecting and illiterate Jones, and found by me after a taruuD of munv vp*kD." "Matt, he said, when they met last Christmas in London, and when he saw before him, insteady of a towsy girl, as bright and buxom a young lady as ever wore purple raiment and fine linen, '.'Matt, you are 'growed-up' at last!" We a?e familfftr with the rush of tlx spress train as it flashes past us at the ite of sixty miles an hour, but light tually travels 11,179,560 times as fast hC_- initial velocity of the shot from lb* velve-pound bronze service gun Wonlj "*8 feet % a^vind Slow by Comparison. When making toast watar see to it that the bread is browned to'a turn. One par ticle of scorch will destroy the delicacy of the dish. Allow enough boiUng water to cover the browned slices, and 1st them staud until cold. Strain the water, sweeten to taste—again care must be taken that this drink will not be unpalatable. Putasmal] piece of ice in the glassful. Toast Wat sr. a reward s? onfc-half the goicondas found by the honest prospector while the grab holds out, saw a large, juicy eastern capitalist perched on the incoming stage. Matt blushed and hung her head, with a touch of the old manner. !Tot having a home and a dear little wife. Dt'» four weeks tomorrow—Jove, how the day pass! Tom—Had your first quarrel? Dick— Oh, don't be an aatf We're not the kind, sir, to squabble and fight; Why, Bess always yields when she see that I'm right. We always think first of each other, and thatti The secret of all happy marriages. Tom— Oh. ratal Bet you a hundred, you'll both come to biowt By the end of a fortnight! Dick— , a hundred? That goes! Twill teach you, my boy, your ideas are all wrong. Abreast of the Times. Judging that he would make pretty good picking, my friend soon got a contract from him for potting a tunnel into the Realization, a new mine with no work done on it, the tunnel to be 200 feet in length, at $50 per foot, for it was pretty stiff digging, or $10,000 for the job, on completion Dec. 25, 1877. "Yes, I am gTown, as you say. I wonder what William Jones would t' 'f * " The doctor placed bis feet upon the iperatiotf table and laughed disco rdintly.In the Rocky mono tains one day a friend and myself came upon a little summer hotel near a crystal stream. There was an old man smoking a pipe on a bench at the front door. As we ap proached my friend said: "Now there la one Colorado fisherman who will believe any fish story yon've a mind to tell him Jlist try it." I walked np to the old mas and said: HrprUMI H1m at Laafc "I no more about the lettei which I had -vritten until two or threa days later in Buffalo I received a lettei from my wife in which she made a aomewhat 8" mastic remark about being glad that I took so much comfort from the fact that I had her picture to look at. On Sunday, for the first time, I opened my trunk, and seeing the frame lying there face downward I took it up. "Possibly you can to some extent ap predate my feelings when I discovered that the picture had been taken out of the frame, and there was nothing in it except a piece of white paper. I said no more about it in my letters, but occasionally my Mfe would express the hop* in her letter-* that I did not ceglect hex picture. She is said to have come of a good family aud to have been well educated. When discovered, she had been dead for days, and the snakes were crawling over the body, but fled, on the appearance of strangers and have not -been seen near the cabin since. By those who have seen her surrounded by her queer adopted family it has been estimated that there must have been at least 200 of them, numbering among them several venomous varieties. The woman did not claim to have charmed them, as the saying goes, but it is probable that her perfect fearlessness tamed them.—Okolona (Miss.) Cor. Philadelphia Times. Monk did not speak; his ton.rue was frozen He stood aghast, openi ig and his clinched hands spasmodically and shaking Like a leaf Ueasirured to some extent by the sound of • voice, unmistakably appertaining r on of flesh and blood, Wiiliai.) He was not a handsome man but decidedly interesting in appearance, which is the best that can be said of people who are not handsome. "Yes," he remarked, as he pared hit 4nger nails with a scalpel, "I am diagaosing many cases as mere debility tnis year which a twelve-month a go 1 «hould have called nervous prostration." The doctor pondered. My friend did not begin work till after winter began and a tremendous fall of snow which totally changed the aspect of the mountains. However, he worked patiently at the tunnel and timbered it as be went, and on the 24th of December work was completed and the vein struck.# ralually uplifted his face and looked 'n gnasuy wonder at the ipeaker. Ah. here Bessie comes. Won't you stay? Well, so long. (Exit Tom. Enter Bessie.) Tt ranlo Why, who was here, dearest, just now? Dick— An old frlsM A. bigoted bachelor, destined to spend In single accursedness all his young days; (n short, a misogynist, going his ways Unloved and unloving. He's only to thank His own ignorance. Bessie—Horrid! I do hate a crank I Dick— AT THE PALACE. "Splendid fishing over in that stream* eh, stranger?" stoop if the queen at the present had any use for her drawing room and if not wonld she mind if I did a little drawing there. "You will be anxious to ascertain," proceeded Brinkley, with his old air of Jghtness, "by what uccident, or special Providence, I arose from the grave 'n which you politely entombed me? rhe explanation is very simple. My young friend here, Matt, the foundling, or, as 1 should rather call her, Miss Monk, of Monkshurst, came to ny assistance, attended to my injuries, which were not so serious as you Imagined, and enabled me before daybreak to gain the kindly shelter of my caravan. Tim and a certain rural doctor did the rest. I am sorry to disappoint you. Mr. Monk, but I felt bound to keep my promise—to interfere seri- "But what are you to do," he demanded, "in times of financial stringency? Nervous prostration—" "Yes, sir; splendid fishing." "1 know it. 1 was up here last sunk mer and 1 got a whopping trout on my line. He broke it snap in two." The doctor picked his teeth reflectively with a probe. I sent my new engraved card with esquire at the end of the name, together with the message and a sovereign. My card had attached to it a note of introduction from one of our embassy to London, a man whom I since learned has made a good livelihood by claiming that he is an assistant embassador or something of that kind. He told me all about London, and I believe now that he is a full born Englishman of the Artful Dodger variety. The large, juicy eastern capitalist had the gout and so sent his prospective sonin-law, aged 28, who was the one-half back of a college football team, to come out and accept or reject the tunnel. My friend, tae contractor, whoee name was Honore Doolan of Salt Lake, took Trial of the Pyx. 44—Means a trip abroad. Mere debility means the seashore for a couple of days. We have to keep our finger on the public pulse, you know." The annual ceremony of testing the standard fineness of the gold and silver coins of I the United States, as well as those of Great Britiau, is called the "trial of the pyx." The custom is very ancient, and the name is derived from the "pyx." or chest, in which the coins reserved for examination were formerly kept. In the United States the trial, which is provided for by law, is made on the second Wednesday of each recurring February before the judge of the United States district court, the comptroller of the currency, the assayer of the New York assay office and such other persons as the president may designate. A majority of the persons constitute a competent board, and t he examination is made in the presence of the director of the mint. "Yes, the trout do that np here," the man answered with a peculiar drawl. "Then I got a rope and fished with that, but the trout broke that too." "I went home a month later, and then learned that my sister had taken that picture froia the frame when she wa. visiting us t'ae day I went away from home. She was going out west, and u.j wife told her that she thought I would not miss it rruch. Then she said nothing about it to ri», thinking, I have no douLt that she catch me in exactly th# trap into which I fell. A And the doctor laughed discordantly lome more.—Detroit Tribune. "Yes, the trouts often break ropes up here." to fixed are his notions he offered to bet That even we two would be quarreling yell Imagine! Bessie—The brute! You refused It of courMi Dick- Why darling, you see, I thought a small loas Would alter his notions. It really might pay To teach him a lesson,, dear. Bessie— Well, I must saft It you think that your wife is atheme for abst With alow, horrid, stupid- Dick— Don't fly in a pet. Why, Bessie, the whole thing is manly a jest I don't see the harm- Bessie— Oh, of course yon know friat* Tou told him that I was a dear little lamb. And always did just what you ordered me? Dick-D nl Bessie— III.' / II "SUPPOSE WK SPEND OUB HONEYMOOJi IJJ A C ABA VAN." "Well, then," I went on, "1 was decided to land him, and I got him on a log chain and pulled him out" "And if he noticed these pretty boots. Matt, and heard you play the piano and prattle a little in French. Upon my word, it's a transformation! You always were a nice girl, though." —Van Arndt—"And so you are to be married? Who's the lucky one?" Miss Highheels—"Give 'X up. Ask me a year {re© jjqw. "—Puck. "Yes, log chains is the only thing what will pull the trouts out up here." "Well, you see, after I got this big trout out we couldn't get him np to the aonse." He told me that one evening, when studying the character of the cabman of London and spending a couple of hours with them at one of their "shelters," which her most gracious majesty has provided for the cold and hungry cabman in all the principal streets, he stepped out to take his own cab when a pleading voice begged him in Ood's name to give a ride up the street to the end of Piccadilly. A Pal In drum*. "Do you really think so?" asked Matt, shyly. "Did. you always think A palindrome is a line or phrase that ••eads the seme backward as forward. The Latin language is full of such linguistic freaks; the English has but few. One at least is imitable; it represents jur first parent politely introducing himself to Eve in these words: "Madam, I'm Adam." The following ihrase lacks but one letter of beiug •veil more remarkable: "Lewd did I ive, evil did 1 dwell." From the Latin -ve have: "Roma tibi subito motibus i bit amor" (Rome, love will come to pou suddenly with violence).—Detroit Free Presg, "Well, I have had a hard time trying to make her believe that I was innocer t and, as I said before, when I write anr thing of that kind to her again you m.?C gamble on the fact that I shall  what I am talking about."—New Yarl Tribune. "Yes, it's powerful hard to pull oui trouts up here." so?" "Certainly." "So I got a yoke of oxeu, put the trout on the 6ledge, and after a hard pull succeeded in getting him up to the house." "Even when I told you I liked you so much, and you told me 'it wouldn't do?' " The coins thus reserved for trial are qpade up from t hose selected from each delivery made by the chief coiner, deposited in the "pyx" and kept under the joint cars of the superintendent of the mint and the chief assayer, each of whom has his separate lock and key. "Yes," said the old man without a •mile, "a yoke of oxen with a sledge ia the only thing what can carry our trouta up here." Tes, swear If you want to. I haven't a word. It** like you—so courteous— Dick—This is absurd! Bessie- Pray. don't stop at that, Dick, a little abuse Would be quite in keeping with— Dick— Bess, you're a goose) By Jove, I won't have ltl A saint would be It was Brinkley's turn to blush now. It was clear that Matt, despite other ciianges, still retained her indomitable frankness. NOT FOR LOVE. He turned to see in the uncertain light of the nasty night a rosy faced girl of 19 or 20. The night was chilling, and the picturesque mud of the great city seemed to rise up out of the earth and come down out of the sky till the roads were like copperas colored glue. /•ff NHbltt Explains His Motive for "Even then," he replied, laughing. "But I say you were a precocious youngster. Y*ou proposed to me, you Coins from other mints are transmitted quarterly for examination to tho director of the mint, or in lieu of this he may test any piects which falls into his hauds. The examiners detailed to make a "trial of the pyx" are not sworn, but they make a certi-3ed report of their doings. If this report show the coins to be within the limit of tolerance in fineness and weight, it is filed. If cot, the fact is certified to the president, and if he should deem it proper so to do he may order all those implicated in the erroi to be thenceforth disqualified from holding office.—St. Louis Republic. 1 was getting desperate. The old codger shouldn't agree with me longet If I could prevent him. "No, sirroe, bob! Jeff Nesbitt, ye don'l come a-courtin me an a-goin with Sal Trunnitt too. She stops or we stops. That's the word with bark on it. Heai mer rylng I'inkie Hirst. riled If he found that he'd married a petulant Bessie— I didn't know. Disk, that you oould bs so rude. Bo hateful- Tom (from the doorway)— Beg pardon—I fear I intrudes I went off forgetting my cane—a bad trick. Ah, thank you. Good night alL Dick (blankly)—Well, Bessie! Wis (weakly*—Oh, Diokl -X W. Toapkuss lalih "Well, sir," 1 continued, "we took that trout and turned him out to pasture with the cattle." "I know I did," said Matt, "and it wasn't leap year then." She added still more shyly: "But it's leap year now!" Their eyes met. Both blushed more and more. know!" **I AX YOT QUITE DEAD, MB. MONK, OF MOXKSHUBST." The other day a thin, tired looking man entered the office of a printing House, and approaching the proprietor said: tlu Domestlo CMMhba, He opened the door and asked the tearful child to step in and "look sharp," for he was in a hurry. Look sharp is English for "getting a move on one." They rode on for a mile, and he paused to let her out, but she craved a drop of wassail from a two quart beaker and seemed to show an affection for him that would indicate the love at first sight which Piccadilly makes a specialty of. "Yes," said the old rascal, "that's what we alius do with our trout np hare." "Who keers, Sairy Ana Hankinsoni No woman dictates what I does or what r don't. Saw off if yer wants ter saw off ously with your little arrangements if you persistently refused to do justice to this young lady." "Yes, sir," 1 urged, "and after be had been there among the cattle for about three months he giew horns." And, taking the ring she banded him w if it had been a snake, he walked to Ibe creek bank In the moonlight and dashed it far out into the mnddy waten with a fling. Not three months »fter ward he and SaTlie Trunnitt repeated virtually the same scene for virtuallj the same reason. Again to the creek strode he, and again a ring hissed into the angry flood. Again, some three months later, on Keziah Atwood's no oount, another ring whirled into the yellow waves. Aa he spoke. Monk uttered a savage oath and rushed towards the road; but Marshall was after him in a moment and sprang upon him. There was a quick struggle. Suddenly Monk drew a knife, opened it and brandished it in the air; so that it would have gone ill with his assailant if the herculean Tim, coming to the rescue, had not pinioned him from behind. In another moment the knile was lying on the grass and Monk was neatly handcuffed by the detective. "Matt, don't! It won't do, you know! Yes, I say so stilL You're a rich woman and I'm only a poor devil of a painter. You must marry some great swell." "I want to have a list printed. Sup nose you write it down as I tell you." The proprietor made ready and the man said, "Yes, I'm sore I locked the front door. Have you got that?" "Yes, but I don't understand. "Never mind; don't interrupt me tiD (have finished. Are yon ready?" She Is Hot m Criminal. Mr. Dolley—Will you let me steal a kiss? BKFOBE THE QUEEN. "What!" and the old man straight «ned up; "a fisH grow horns?" the hand of the one-half back and led him away to the tunnel. Lighting a stab of candle at the month of the tunnel, he led the youth inside among the timbers, but the candle gave a sizz like a wet firecracker and went out. Lincoln's Laughter. "Yes, sir," 1 continued- "I shall never marry anyone but you:" But Matt replied; He had a great laugh—a high, musical tenor—and when he bad listened to or told a story which particularly pleased him he would walk up and down tbe room, with one hand on the small of his back and the other rubbing his hair in all directions, and make things ring with laughter. "Stranger," he said, rising to his feet and advancing toward me; "1 believt that's a durned lie."—Louisville Courier Journal Miss Gasket—If you will steal you must do it unaided. I do not intend to be an accessory before the fact.—Detroit Free Press. "I'm sorry, me girl," he said, "but your affection is not returned. While I respect you, I must tell you frankly I love another." "You won't? Do you mean it?" "Of course I do." "Yes' He caught her in his arms. "I turned out the light in the bath loom." Unr Letter Ban "Nevermind,"said Honore, "Iknow the way. Take my hand, and we will go in where I will light up again at the far end of the tunnel.'' "My darling Matt—yes, I shall call you by that dear name to the end of the chapter. You love me, then? I can't believe it!" Tbe Ii Intelligent Conductor. "All right; I've got it." "The kitchen windows are fastened." "Yes." Lincoln has great fame as a story teller, and yet the truth isn't half told. First and last, he told thousands and thousands of stories. He was a wellspring of anecdote. Vet, under all his humor and all his laughter he was tender, sensitive, romantic, oftentimes sad. He appeared hard and practical, and yet no man ever lived who needed and craved sympathy more than Lincoln. He was strongly social In his uature and people rather than places. Like all men of the highest cour age, fearing nobody, he hated none. He would oppose a man to the death, but would never hate him.—Senator Voorhees in Kansas City Times. No official notice has been received jet by Postmaster Field to put up letter bozee for the delivery as well as the collection uf mail The order was issued by Post master General Wanamaker, and depa tUes the postmasters in free delivery cities, towns aad rural communities to put them up at the request of citizens, and it L v«id it affects over 8,OM),000 residences to which the free delivery service extends. "May I only ask your name and address?" she said, with a quivering chin and eyes all wet with tears, which hung on her long lashee like morning dew on the whiskers of the waving corn. Then, with a playful pat on his shoulder, she slipped from his breast pocket a letter on the outside of which his London address was written. Then he married Pinkie Hirst. So they jogged on, the young man meantime freezing slowly to death. At the terminus of the tunnel Doolan knocked off some pieces of the ore, while the candle again flickered and went out. Hand in hand they started out, fastening a tapeline at the inner end and unwinding it as they walked. "Now, governor, you'd better take it quietly!" said Marshall, while Monk struggled and gnashed his teeth in impotent rage. "You're a smart one, you are, but the game's up at last." "The dog is in the cellar." "Yes." They sat by the open fireplace. H* chewed. She smoked her pipe and cuffed the dogs from the warm corners. "I have loved you," she answered, laughiDg, "ever since I first came—'to be took!'" "The servants are all in." "Yes." "Jeff," she faintly quavered after a long silence, "it's a (lrefful time since y« kissed me!" And she rested her head on his shoul- Monk recovered himseli and laughed fiercely. our just as she had done in the old days when she was an unsophisticated child of nature. "The stable door is locked." "Yes." "Let me go! Of what do you accuse me? It was murder just now, but since the murdered person is alive (d—n him!) I should like to know on what charge you arrest me." "The kitten is out of doors." It will be some time, however, befort the experiment will be tried here. The postofice department has already on hand • long and thorough test to make of the pneumatic tnbe as a carrier for mail matter in bulk, and will shortly lay a pipe from the main office to the substation ai Third and Chestnut streets. Until these tests have been made it is not likely that the box service will go into effect. "Jeff, ye hain't set up close t' me senoe je axed me." "Hnmph!" "Humph!" With a girlish laugh she held it near the cab lamp to read it, but he was irritated and rudely snatched it from her, tore it in two and threw it away. Her great blue eyes grew larger, and the oolor seemed to leave her face. Her bosom rose and fell with the checked pants which marked her heavy breathing."So there's to be a wedding after all." he said, kissing her. "Matt, I've an idea!" "Yes." Doolan ostensibly put the specimens of ore in his pocket, but really had some in his other pocket, which he preferred and with which he exchanged on the way out through the dark. "I turned off the drafts cf thera&ga." "Yes." "No, I do not smell smoke." "Yes." "Jeff, yer hain't once called me ye? little Hinkv Pinky ye courted me." "Humph!' % "Oh, there's nodif3culty about that!" ■aid Brinkley, looking at him superciliously. "In the first place you have by fraud and perjury possessed , yourself of what never legally belonged to yon. In the second place, you attempted murder, at any rate. But upon my life, I don't think you are worth prosecuting. I think, Mr. Marshall, you might let him go." "When we marry suppose we arrange to spend the honeymoon in—a caravan!" "Yes?" "No, the water is not running in the oathroom." "Yes." "Joff Nesbitt, ye dont love me like ye used ter." "Humph:" The young man was, oh, so glad to get back to camp and warm up, and Doolan opened a case of stomach bitters. The young man showed his ore to a delighted audience, went to Denver with Doolan and paid him off, after which he went on east, and Doolan drank sparkling moselle for a week at breakfast, lunch and dinner. He then went to Australia, where he is yet. Unfortunate Similarity of Sound. . TH: END. , ji-1 -fc? "I want to get off at Throop street," aid a young woman of resolute, self possessed appearance as she paid her far* to the conductor of a W est Madison street car yesterday morning. In spite of tbe successful tests in Wash lngton and St. Louis, the local officers are Irt lined to look askance upon tbe boxes and express their opinion very cautiously regarding their efficiency. The ease with which depredations could be committed is one of the most serious objections to 1L The boxes must have a universal key, so that each person would have at his door • lock can be ensily opened. Tbe saving of time in delive/y they hold would be more than offset by tbe greater length of time that it would take to make collections.— Philadelphia Inquirer. "I do not think I hear any one trying to get into the house." "Yes." "Jeffe'son Wash'nt'n Nesbitt, yo 1 Lai n't never loved me at all!" "Ri-i-i- i-g-h-t!" "Oh, woe, woe!" she wailed in her sweet voice, "that 1 should have taken you for a gentleman when you are a fly up the crick. Oh, why did 1 leave me lugzurious one to be hinsulted by ablumin harse? Oive me 2 bob, er Hi'11 mash your 'at!' "No, that ua not our dog barking; ifi the one next door." -Yes." Her sallow face fell and her pipe went out, an emotion as deep as woman's Heart ever exhibits among the Sunfiah hills aft*r spanking days are over. Irate Passenger (who has been carried down town instead of up)—You told me this car went up town when I asked yon, Conductor. He nodded and passed on. A few minutes later he went through the car again, and she inquired: "Ita letting a mad dojf loose, sir," replied Marshall. "He'll hurt somebody."% "It is not necessary to go down and see if the cellar door is fastened. I know it is." •'Have we got to Throop street yet?" He looked at her askance and told the cabby to pause and let the lady alight. This bogus embassador was always a gentle and refined man, even though a fraud. 1 would rather be defrauded by him than entertained for an evening by some others 1 know. When the large, juicy eastern capitalist came to look at the Realization mine and put men and machinery into it, he saw on the lumbar region of the backbone of the continent what looked like the timbers for a covered bridge 200 feet long, for Doolan had dug bis $10,000 tunnel in the snow, and when "hit had done gone off" the mine was renamed the Dennis. "I'll call out w'en we git to T'roop street," answered the conductor shortly. "Jeff," she faintly asked, "did ye mar ry me 'cause I were purty?" Conductor—So it does, sorr, on the reorn thrip.—Harper's Weekly. "What do you say. Miss Monk?" said Brinkley. "This amiable looking person Is your father's cousin. Shall I release your bridegroom in order that you may go with him to the altar of Hymen and complete the ceremony?" "Yes." "I ain't blind!" "Jeff." still more faintly, "did ye marly me for what I brung ye?" "That is nobody—it ia only the wind rattling the shutters." "Yes." A few minutes more had glided into the silent past when a man at the forward end of the car who had been hiccoughing quietly and unostentatiously at intervals all the way from the eastern entrance of the tunnel was seized with the inclination to hiccough at the pre rise instant that the car bumped violently over some obstruction on the track. Under the combined impulse and shock bis mouth flew open and a convulsive ejaculation escaped him: A lady compelled to provide a livelihood for herself found she could make and fur flish tbe following articles to customers and also make it profitable to herself: Beef broth for invalids, !8 cents a quart: boef stew, 12 cents a quart; vegetable soup, 12 ceuts a quart; tomato soup, 12 cents a (uart; pea soup, 10 cents a quart; potato toup, 12 cents a quart; clam chowder, 16 cents a quart; evaporated milk, 7 cents a half pint; pressed beef, 10 cents a pound: spiced meat, 1G cents a pound; cracked wheat, & cents a pound; oatmeal mush, 5 cents a pound; corn mush, 5 cents a pound; boiled white hominy, 5 cents a pound; boiled yellow hominy, 5 cents a pound: Aladdin hash, 8 cents a pound: rice pud ding, 12 cents a quart; Indian pudding, 15 cents a quart; health bread, small ioaves, 5 cents a loaf; white bread, small loaves, 5 cents a loaf; baked beans, 14 cents e quart. Monday—Vege table soup, pea soup. Tuesday—Beef stew, tomato soup. Wednesday—Clam chowder, pea soup. Thursday—Beef stew, vegetable soup, bean soup. Friday—Fish chowder, pea soup. Saturday—Beef stew, tomata soup. — Prov iden ce J ournal. Mew Household Budueu .4 "Well, I think that's about all. You see, uiy wife asks mo certain question* every night just us I am getting into bed, and if I hud a printed list I could •how to her it would save lots of trouble. Besides that it injures my lungs to *nswer the'ni. llavo tho lists printed at •ood «« jwiasiV'l* " -T Bita. "I ain't cuttin down big trees for small ooons!" "Cut me hair like Chim Corbett'sl" This la Sullivan's Own Town. "Jeff," very faintly, "did ye marry ui« •ocount of Sal?" With that she blackened his eye with her left, and with her right she laid open his jaw with a seal ring she wore. Then she mashed his chimney pot hat over bis entire head and face, so that it rested on bis collar bone and then let off a shriek that made every heart st$nd still within a mile. \ He was a perfect gentleman, but ha. groped for her bonnet, tore it in two and threw it in the mud. He was naturally a kindly man, but you could not promenade up and down on his stomach with spiked shoes unless you could give him a plausible reason for so doing. "I hate him!" cried Matt; like to drovrn him in the Bea." "I should DISPOSING OF THE DEAD. That was the conversation overheard la • barber shop, which lack of time and the need of a shave had made a necessity. The speaker was a bullet headed young man, with long hair and a face that is usually called "tough." "You see," said the barber, "since Jim Corbett won the world's championship all the gangs want to copy him. J im wears his hail cut pompadour, so all the admirers of him are getting iheira cut in the same way. "—fiction Be* «hL Brinkley laughed lurUl £i DeiUned to Glr« Flaoo to cDr "Nope—dern Sal!" "Er Sairy?" "Your sentiments are natural, but an-Christian. And the gentle Jones, now, who is looking at you so affectionately. what would you do with him? Th-own him in the sea too?" matlon. Choke back your sobs, Willie, and try it o'er again. That's the way we must all do. Look up, not down; out, not in, Willie, and lend a hand! Yours truly, "The twentieth century to destined to witnesa a complete revolution in the nanner of disposing of the dead," said 4 well-known physician to a Globe- Democrat reporter. "Burial is destined to arive place to cremation. We will be lriven to it in sheer self-defense. The increase in population, and a better understanding of the science of sanitation tnd its importance, will leave no place for the disease-breeding cemetery. America Is destined to lead in the great reform, as she has In so many others. While the modern cremation movement started in Italy, the number of crematories in the United 8tates far exceeds that in the former or any other country. Fourteen are a! ready in successful operation here, all having been built durin the past six sears. 'Nope—dern Sairy!" "Er Kezi?" "Nope—likewise dern!" Botr Amaieur Football I* PUy«d A long silence, pinky relit tier pipe kicked the hound, smelled a bit of bacot, to see if it had soured, gained courage Uid made a last sally. "No, no. Matt," interposed William Jones, abjectly; "speak up for me, Matt. I ha' been father to you all these fears." It is admitted on all side* that, played under the most favorable circumstances and by men who would consider a loss of temper almost equivalent *aj a loss of honor, football under Rugby union rules is a reasonably dangerous game. Played as it is In America, it seems admirably adapted for paying off old grudges and proving conclusively that good humored pluck and skill are no match for ravage brutality and irrelevent violence. To on axpiraut for honors in the American football Held we would say: '"My son, learn boxing. Learn football also, if possible, but first learn the art of self defense."' At the sound the young woman sprang promptly to her feet, walked to the rear door, opened it, out on the platform and waited for the car to stop. "Whoop!" "Jeff, if ye didn't marry me fer love, a fer looks, «.r fer what I had. er fo? them there gals a-tlirowin ye over, what tbe land did ye marry me fer?" Matt seemed perplexed what to say. So Brinkley again took up the conversation.It was Throop street surely. Had she not beard the conductor call it out? The cedar of Lebanon baa stood (or gen erations throughout Christendom aa the type for all that is majestic and regal In a forest tree. It una in modern times been questioned whether the timber with which Solomon rebuilt the temple was that of the cedar; but, however this may be, the tree* are always associated in the popular mind with stately religious ceremony, and th« groves of Lebanon have been objects of veneration by pious pilgrims for centuries. The Cedar* of Lebanon. Buckingham palace, care of Victoria Regina, London. Yet the car did not stop. "On reflection we will refer William Jones to his friends, the 'coast-guard chaps.' I think he will be punished enough by the distribution of his little p-operty in the cave. Eh, Mr. Jones?" She pulled the bell rope violently. The ear came to a halt, and she stepped off. 81 owly removing bis quid, with a squirt that blackened a 8-inch square in th» glowing coaiB, he replied: Then the poor girl wailed again, so that in five minutes the cab was surrounded, or at least the sidewalk next it was black with people, many of them women, who yelled: "Kill 'im!""Burn 'im at the stake!" " 'E 'as torn boil 'er 'at and cawst it hon the 'i'way!" Nobody sympathized with the poor Samaritan who gave her the ride. Proper Breathing Mot amenta. X think it is evident that the proper development and expansion of the lungs by means of well regulated breathing must be regarded as of the greatest value in the prevention and in the treatment of the inactive stages of pulmonary consumption. The more simple the method the more effective and practical will be the results which flow from it. Among the many exercises which are recommended for this purpose the following movements are very valuable. The arms, being used as levers, are swung backward as far as possible on a level with the shoulders during each inspiration and brought together in front on the same level during each expiration, or the hands are brought together above the head while inspiring and gradually brought down alongside the body while expiring. A deep breath must be taken with each inspiration and held until the arms are gradually moved forward or downward, or longer in order to n»tke both methods fully operative. A moment afterward the bystanders at the corner of West Madison and Sangamon streets were surprised to see a young woman who had hastily glanced up and read the name of the cross street on a lamppost run along the sidewalk shouting and blinking her fist at a street car rapiuly moving on in the direction of Tliroop street, six or eight blocks away.—Chicago Tribune. "I married ye 'cause I was dead tired of feeding all the doggonM mud cats in Bunfish crick on 'gagement rings—that'* what—gwon to bed, y« ab'"—Ci*cinn»tJ Commercial Gazette. Jones only wrung his hands and wailed, thinking of his precious treasure.At a match that raged last November be tween the Boston and ( hicago teams the lovers of this noble sjDort must have thoroughly enjoyed themselves. The headline* of the daily paper inform us that "all society" was present and that "fashionables viewed the contest." Almost at the beginning of the game "came the sound of hardened fists beating against flesh and the shrieks of wild wrath." A little later we find that "fists are flying, and blood come* thick from nose and cheek." By way of Justification the reporter hastens to inform us in the next line that "pretty girls clap their hands exultantly." The players then appear to have lapsed into what must have been very like a game of football, but not tor long, for they "got to blows again." "And bo. Matt," continued Brinkley, "there will be no wedding1 after all. I'm pfraid you're awfully disappointed!" The position which the tree holds in Christian literature is well exemplified by the folio wing passage from the "Spirit of the Hebrew Poetry," by Isaac Taylor, who, in describing the Lebanon ranges and their trees, says: "In ancient times these rich slopes and valleys were mantled with cedar forests, and the cedar in its perfection is as the lion among the beasts and the eagle among the birds. This majestic tree, compared with others of its class, has more of altitude and volume than any of them. It has more of umbrageous amplitude. Especially it has that tranquil aspect of venera ble continuance through centuries which so greatly recommends natural objects to speculative and imaginative tastee. The cedar of Lebanon, graceful and serviceable while It lives, has the merit of preparing In its solids a perfume which commends It when dead to the noblest usee. This wood Invites the workman's tool for every ingenious device, and its odoriferous substance Is such as to make it grateful alike in and In temples." The Gold In the World. "Cremation societies are being organized in nearly aL of the large and many of the smaller American cities. Everybody recognize! the wisdom of incineration; still individual sensitiveness to any change in the burial custom, and an inherited belief that the body should "fester in its shroud' rather than be !Durned to a handful of clean ashes in a furnace, forms the greatest obstacle in the pathway of the reform. In the early days of the new movement the religious organizations formed a stronf opposition to it, but this has given way except in Germany, where church and state make common cause against it The state church openly prohibits the exercise of religious rites by a clergyman at incinerations. In the United States some of the most enthusiastic •remationists are devout church peo»U."GEORGE WAS RATTLED. All the gold in the world (not counting that slill ia a virgin state) would not make a block of more than 013 cubic yards, A cube of the above dimensions could be put in a room twenty-four fee' each way —St Louis Republic. He saw the jail looming np before him and gave np all hope. To kill time he paid his cabman and just then canght the wink of another cabbie near him. This cabbie motioned the poor devil to slide out on the street side of cab 1 and into cab 2, which was easily done, as the No. 2 was driven hub to hub with No. 1. Matt replied by taking his hand again, raising it to her lips, and kissing it fondly. The young man turned his head away, for his eyes had suddenly gTown tull of grateful tears. D*»thematloal Girl from Ronton (Vti Too Morli for Him. He entered the room hurriedly. The young woman standing by th« •pen fire greeted him with a smile. He strode up to her in frenzied hastn. She was frightened, for he luui nevei acted so before. The smile faded from her face and sne Queof Keliglote Seel*. M. T.xakni, a Russian writer, has pub lished an interestinK work entitled, "Queei Religious Sects of Russia," from which it appears that there are not less than 15,000,- 000 followers of insane and cranky notions In the empireof the czar. These communities of devout and deluded beings are constantly being enlarged, in spite of all efforts made to the contrary by the government.She Is Borand to Have m Place. OOHCLU8ION. A fortnight ago a woman came into the office of the appointment clerk of the treasury and said: "1 have come for a place, and I mean to have it. 1 shan't leave the building until I get it." My tale is told. The adventure of the caravan has ended. Little more remains to be said. , Then cabbie 2 cut his horse in two with the whip, and the boohooing, murderous crowd found itself consisting largely of people named Mndd. Monk, of Monkshurst, was not brought to trial for his iniquities, but he was sorely enough punished by the loss of his ill-gotten estates. Before the claim of the foundling was fully proved he left Kngland never to return. Whether he i» alive or dead I cannot fcelL grew pale. "I regret to say that there is no vacancy, madam," replied General McCauley. "Histr he said between his shut teeth. "What is it, dear?" she asked tremu- At last the referee, who up to this time appears to have been contentedly "resplendent in yellow kid gloves," interfered and implacably ordered one of the heroes off the field, disregarding his ingenious argument, "The ball whs not in play, so you cannot object." And yet, with all this open to her, the American woman persists in feeling injured because there is a law-forbidding her attendance at prize fights. Soma people are never content. —Loudon Saturday Review. One of these sects is known as the "Runaways." As soon as they embrace the new faith they fly from their villages and towns, destroy their identity as much as possible, and henceforth live as savages. "The Christs" are another curious sect. They worship each other. The chief ceremonies are a crazy species of danciuK, yelling as loudly as possible and pouudlnK stones with sticks. "Then discharge somebody aud make a Vacancy," suggested the visitor. The above incident occurred to a good friend of mine during his younger days. He was born in England and is the son of an admiral, but I agreed to put the story on another man, and 1 cannot think of anybody who really deserves the prominence more than this bogus embassador, whose true character 1 shall be forced to explain to her most gracious majesty or do my drawing somewhere else. Another very serviceable chest exercise is to take a deep inspiration, and during expiration in a loud voice count or sing as long as possible. A male person with a good chest capacity can count up to 60 or SO, while in a female, even wHli good lungs, this power is somewhat reJn :i»d. Practice of this sort will slowly develop the lungs, and the increased ability to count longer is a measure of the improvement going on within the chest. Or, again, the taking ot six or eight full and deep breaths in succession every hour during the day, either while sitting at work or while walking outrln the open air, will have a very beneficial effeot.—Dr. Thomas J Mays in Ceutury.He glanced over his shoulder fur tively; ho peered into the corners of th« great drawing room like a hunted animal "Are we alone?" he whispered hoarse lously, "i can hardly do that," said the general. "Then I will stay here and starve," dedared the woman. "All right, madam," assented the genD •ral. "Sit down and starv e comfortably." William Jones, too, escaped legal punishment. A severer retribution came upon him in the seizure and disposal of the hoards in the great cave. So sorely did he take his loss to heart that he crept to his bed and had an attack of brain fever. When he reappeared on the scene of his old plundering* his Intellect was weakened, and he showed curious evidences of Imbecility But the ruling passion remained strong within him. I sav* him only last summer, rambling on the seaanore, laitiing inconereutiy tDi nimseu Mid watching the sea in search of wmoIgmm a* of old. Then It was the woman's cliaracter in that fair young girl grew to its full maturity in an instant. But she would not accept the invitation. She preferred to go to the anteroom of the secretary of the treasury, where she drove the officials nearly distracted. Finally they appealed to the appointment clerk, and he tried to persuade her to leava POWER OF EXAMPLE. The "Skoptsys" believe in self mutilation, but will uot submit to amputation, even though it would save life. Like the "Christs," they dauce and yell for hours without Intermission. Asa matter of fact, it would be difficult to exaggerate t lie im pressi veness of this tree., even if it were not dignified and almost hallowed by association.—Garden and Forest A Garrulous Parrot Is Complete!/ Ciwl All her life she had lived in Boston, yet no crucial test had ever come to he# U this had done. by a DlfntSid Owl. "No," she insisted. "I prefer to starve right here." In my mail from America today 1 find the following letter which has been following me about through the British possessions. It breathes such a gentle, kindly spirit in the midst of trouble and sorrow that I give it a place and a reply here for which I know that the reader with the alabaster brow, the chiseled nose, the penciled nostril, the rich mass of shimmering hair and the bewitching eye will forgive me. Plain people with One day a man who had considerable ntperience with parrots, says the Idler, happened to come in, and when I com« plained of the bird's loquacity he said: •Why don't you get an owl? You get an owl and hang him up to that parrot'* cage and in about two days you'll find that your bird's dead sick of unprofitable con venation." Swell of the Period—Oh! doctor, I have 6ent for you certainly; still I must confess I have not the slightest faith in modern medioal science. Answered A N viable Cbmrtty. "No, dear, we are not," she answered •imply, yet finnly. Still another of these deluded sects isthe "Dumb Boys." Why they are called dumb boys no one seems to know, but it is a curious fact that the sect is composed of both se»;s, old men being in the majority. It is claimed that some of these patriarchs bave not spoken in 50 years, although perfectly able to do so did they so desire. A noble charity and worthy of Imitation ts the school of domestic economy in a western city, where young girls are ta-ght by practical demonstration the best methods of housekeeping In the broadest sense "But, madam," protested General Mo- Cauley, "you can Btarve just as well In my ■rom, and there is a pleasant corner which you can have ail to yourself." The young man started nervously and gazed about him. "1 choose to starve on this spot," responded the woman, with emphasis. She has so far kept her word as to spend every day since then, from 9 to 4 in the afternoon, to the great discomfort of the clerks. —Wash burton Cor. New York Sun. It Silenced Him. Doctor—Oh, that doesn't matter in the least. Yon see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same.—Tagliche Rundschau. He was from Chicago and had been ia many hairbreadth escapes. "Who's here?" he questioned. "You are," she replied. "I know: I know." lie said impatient Mr. Sappy—There's nothing like saying the right thing at the right time. Every phase of the subject is presented, from kindling a fire to cooking a beefsteak, , from hemming a dish towel to embroider ! ing a tidy.—New York Sun. She—Yea; there's keeping your month shut when yon have nothing to say.— Truth. Well. I got a small owl and put hifis "Tii« are a sect led by M.