Pittston Gazette and Susquehanna Anthracite Journal

              . I . - !.J J »■ mil ■ L.i . J 1. ffHE PITTSTON GAZETTE —I * AID SMEI1IM 'MffliOT J0URI1L 51 Wttklt) Jtjriuspaprr- (Drontrb to Jhm. littrntart, TfMa, tjit akramtilt, Mining, fficrjjanicnl, nnii %irnlnrol Mmtfss of tjjt Canntrq, 3nsfrnrfa, tatmtnt, fa. )--£mo Sulfa jftt Slmmtn. WHOLE NUMBER 96. VOLUME 2.--NUMBER 44. PITTSTON, PENNA., FRIDAY, JUNE 11, 1852. mpney in visiting theatres and bowling alleys he had purchased books and had become quite a student; but he expected years to intervene before his ambitious hopes could be realized. His superior officers seemed to look upen him with considerable - leniency, and gave him many a fair spportunity together maritime knowledge; and in a year the handsome, gentlemanly young mate, acquired unusual favor in the eyes of the portly commander, Captain Hume, who had first taken the smart little blue-eyed fellow, with his tarpaulin and tidy bundle, as his cabin boy. bccame known ; and the next day ; hardly able to sit on horseback, their heads bound up. thoy started homewards convinced that tliey had obtained very little satisfaction from their attempt to Hog an editor. He's None the Worse for That. What though the homespun suit he wears, Newspaper Readino.—The man who rarely if ever reads a newspaper, can be selected in any crowd by even the most inexperienced and casual observer. As a general rule you will find him narrow and contracted in his ideas upon matters and things in general—religion, politics, business, and even in his family arrangements r*the stamp upon him is as plain as that upon Cain after he had killed his broiher Abel. When he wishes to gain n point, or ask a favor, he is cringing, and like a whipped cur crouches at your feet until his object is attained, and then be shows himself in his real character; he will betray his frieuds for gain, or to gratify the most petty ill humor. lie is generally in ill humor with himself and every one around him, caused by circumstances, all arising in the want of such general information as can only be acquired from a well regulated press. A neighbor will undersell him, will have more customers, belter debtors and creditors, more generally beloved by the neighbors—and the man who never reads a newspaper cannot account for this, while the reason of it is perfectly plain; the man who moves along swimmingly in business always supports the press, he is a subscriber and adveriiser to and in several papers; he keeps himself posted up to the*times, and consequently if he has any thing to sell or buy(j he knows the lime and place—has an opinion upon "all subjects, and lives for the good of his fellow men as well as for himselt— A man who reads newspapers is fitted for living in a free country, and a man who does not, is not fit for any civilised land. The Laiiest Man From Ifee Bctpollflc American. Agriotdt«rtl Bcieaoe. pm-BOTana eassinr®. THE | The laziest man we ever knew is a farmer who resides in this county. Many instances going to prove that he is an extremely luzy man have come under our observation, but the following occurrence proves that if there is such a ihing as " getting too lazy to live " ho cannot be " long for ibis world " A neighbor of his having noticed a large number of cattle in the only field of corn of which he could boast, made ull possible haste to inform him that the cattle had made a breach in the fence, and were fust destroying his entire crop of corn. He found our lazy farmer sitting in the door of the house, which overlooked the Corn-field, and lost no time in warning him of the loss which he was sustaining. Judge of his surprise, when the farmer drawlingly replied, "Yes; I have been sitting here ever since this morning trying to think where it was they got in; but I can't think where it con be." Lftii and its Uses.—Lime is one'of the most abundant substsnoes in nature. As a carbonate of calcium, (limestone), it is a compound of calcium, carbon, and oxygen. Carbonic acid pas is a mixture of carbon and oxygen. When limestone is burned, the carbon and two parts of oxygen escape, forming what we call quick lime, (the oxide of calcium, Ca.O.) This quick lime, by exposure to the atmosphere, absorbs water, slacks, and falls into an apparent dry powder; it is then hydrate of lime, and Is in the form in which it is generally used for agricultural purposes. But this is not a good plan for slacking lime, for it has the property of absorbing carbonic scid from the atmosphere and con ing back in a measure to its former limestone stste. The best way to alack lime is to pour water on a heap of the bur* ned limestone, about enough to slack it, and cover up the whole heap—two or three tons—with ssnd or earth from the fielcj. The lime should be taken from this beap, as it is wanted to be spread upon the field. It acts upon many substances—enimal and vegetable, and decomposes them, forming salts, which by the filling fains are so diluted as to make them fit to be taken up by the plants as food. In Ureat Britain, from 100 to 400 bushels are applied at once, at intervals of ten, fifteen, or nineteen years—the term which leases run. In this country, the most common practice is to apply 30 or 40 bushels once in three years, which is the pre' ferable mode. We have seen it applied with effect, however, at the rate of 800 bushels to the acre. This was upon a very stiff cold clay. Three hundred bushels would be about ten tons to the acre. Best suited to the sons of toil— What though on eonrscr food he fares, MINTED AND PCBLItHED WEEKLY BT C. a. Hichart * H. ». Phillips, And tends the loom, or tills the soil— What though no gold leaf gilds the tongue, Oflet Wttl lult ot Mail. Street, tecond Story of the " Long Slur* " of Wis/ur if- DM. Souse Heads. Devoted to congcniol chat— If right prevails, and not the wrong, Th« is published every Fridky, at Tw» Dollars per annum. Two Dollar* and Fifty i Cents ww b* charged if not paid within the In the* town of H r, at the hotel, there boarded a number of students; high bucks, ready at any time for a bit of fun, in any shape, among whom was my friend L. It chanced that at the same hotel was an Englishman, a regular John Bull, who officiated in the capacity of waiter. He was a bigoted, talf-conceited fellow, always bragging of the superiority of Englishmen and everything English. One cold day a number of students were in the office, seated around the fire, enjoying a cozy chat, when in comes our hem. Th® conversation turned upon remaining under water a great length of time, without rising to take bre'ath ; each one relating his experience, and ending with what he oould do. Dut no Yankee could come within fifty rows of apple trees of our Englishman. Our friend b •• , winking to the " boys," says— The man is none the worse for that. What though within his humble cot No costly ornament is seen— Whatibough his wife possesses not N o pa pet wiH be discontinued until all arrearages •re uai... , Advertisements are hwerted conspicuously at One Dollar per square of fourteen lines for [ three insertions j an3 TwcNTY-riva Cent. ad-1 (Htional for every subsequent insertion. A Itb* era) deduction to those who advertise for six months or the whole year. ... . , Job Work.—We have connected with our establishment a well selected assortment of Job Type, 1 which will enable us to execute, in the neatest •if Ie, variety of printing. Being practical • «,nnter* ourselves, we can afford to do work on as r.asonabls terms as any other office inthecountir All letters and communications iv,»„ IS a nit' must be tost paid, and endorsed by a responsible name, to receive attention. Her satin gowns of black and green— What though the merry household band One night the young man, with all the tther officer?, were invited to an entertainnent at the captain's house. He went and o hit astonishment mounted the identical iteps that two year* before the brightest vision he had ever seen passed over—a vision he had never forgotten. Thump, thump went hia brave heart, as he was ushered Into the great parlor, and like a sledge-hammer it beat again, when Captain Hume brought forward his blue-eyed daughter, and, with a pleasant smile, said " The young lady once indebted to your politeness for a safe and dry walk home." Half-naked fly to ball and bat— If Conscience guides the heart and hand, The man is none the worse for that. True worth is not a thing of dress— Of splendor, wealth er classic lore; Would that these trappings we loved less, And honest worth the more I Though pride may spum the toiling crowd, The failed garb, the napelese hat, Vet God and Nature cry aloud— The man is none the worse for that. N. P. Willis, in one of his Utters from Bermuda, says : "Here every ft male is trained, from childhcod, to carry burthens upon the head. From a tea cup to a woter pail, everything is placed on the small cushion nl the top of the skull. The absolute erectness of figure necessary to keep the weight where it can best be supported by the spine, the nice balanco of gait to poise it without being steadied by the hands, the throwing forward of the chest with the posture and effort that are demanded, arid measured action of the hips, arid the deliberateness with which all turning round or looking aside must be done, com* bine to form an habitual demeanor and gnit of peculiar loftiness and stateliness.— A prouder looking procession than the market women, as they go with their baskets on their heads, across the square below over verandav could not be found in the world. They look incapable of being surprised into a quick movement; and are without exception, queenly of mein— though it come, strangely enough, from carrying the burthens of the slave." PSSTtBIT. Good as Wheat. 'I'll bet suppers for the crowd thnt I can stay under water longer without coming up to breathe, than any Englishman that ever said 'God save the Queen.'' In the Slate of Tennessee, there is a certain village boasting of its taverns, three stores, and four groceries, where, from morning till night, and from night till dawn, a person may find, in the taverns, groceries, and stores aforesaid, one or more groups of persons playing cards. Gambling there is rcduccd to a science—the history of the four king* ia thoroughly studied, and from the schoolboy to tho grey haired veteran—from the miss in her ttens to the mother of a large family— they are initiated into tho mysteries of high low, jack, game—right and left bow. ers—the honors, and the odd trick. One of the best players in the village was Major Smith, the tavern keeper—or as he expressed it, the proprietor of the hotel—a widower, who, like For the Pitt»ton Gaxctte A Tribute to the Memory of My Brother It was only a year from that time that the «econd mate tr.'d the quarter-deck, part owner with the captain, not only ol his vessel, but in the affection of his dough: ter, gentle Grace Hume, who had cherish, ed respect, to say nothing of love, for the bright-eyed sailor. The old man has retired fiom business. Henry Wells is now Captain Wells, and Grace Hume is, according to polite parlance, 'Mrs. Captain Wells.' In fact, our honest sailoi is one of the richest men in the Crescent City, and he owes perhaps tho greatest part ol his prosperity to his tact and politeness in crossing the street. O H. Hyde. The good die first, And th«*y whoae hearts ire dry aa summer dust 'Done,' said our waiter. A committee having been chosen to see that everything was done fairly, they proceeded to the atttble, where there was a watering trough of ample dimensions. Pivesting themselves of clothing, and getting into the trough, upon the word being giv. en, ' Douse heads,' down went both heads under water. No sooner was the head of the Englishman fairly under, than up pops the head of L , who, keeping his eye fixed like a cat upon a mouse on the spot where tho head of 'Bull' di*appcared, waited until the bald pate of the Englishman appeared above water, when down went L 's head, as quick as sight. Burn to the socket— C\4d wintry wind* are sweeping by with willing lone, The weight of many grluft upoi, their pinions borne, While my heart la breathing back the notee they pour, For the young and noblo aoul who can come no mora— Bits awl weep* In vigils lone for thedlatant dead— Who vanished like the rainbow when the cloud hath fled. For him of gentle bearing—who no more can greet Those, whose arhlng heart* hear not hla coming feet; \\ watching* long and vain brought not the manly tun! Wo*DSWO*Tll. The editor of a paper published at Canton, Ohio, gives the following description of his paper: •'Mr. Pike and I published a newspaper in 1817, among the Miami Indians, in the State of Indiana. We hod two advance paying subscribers, one who liquidated his subscription with beans, the other with saw logs. Godfrey, the chief, took five papers, and could not read a word. Our paper was called the Peru Forrester, and being printod in the woods the title was appropriate. The town of Peru had a number of magnificent names for its streets, such as Pearl, Broadway, 8c., which streets exhibited the animating and bustling spectacle of stumps and trees as high as a man's head. The stirring events which transpired in that city imperiously demanded a couple of chroniclers, and Pike and 1 were at hand to discharge this important function. Pike wrote poetry, and 1 dipped considerably into Stale politics, and discussed, in a very learned manner, every question of interest to the few settlers and Indians. Besides being an editor and printer, he kept the Broadway Hotel, was postmaster, justice of the peace, land agent, pettifogger, canal contractor, merchant, overseer of the poor, painter, had been a schoolmaster, a day luborer, was twice a widower, was brought up a Quaker, and the last time I saw him, he was a preacher—had married a third wife, was an auctioneer, and what more I know not." Life of an Editor. To glad hit fathers hall—Ita flres.de scat adorn- That eeat la vacant now— stands sacred and alone, My brother I oh my brother' thus early dead and gone. Tho atom upon the hill bend* not the hoary oak, The young and graceful tree, fulla low beneath the atroke J The fair* at bud I hat bloom* Cr«t droope beneath the breath Of the cold ami aorrow laden North wind of Death And tbott; my good and gen'roua brother f.r«t art gone, From our hearth-atone circle, to thy Heavenly home. The many gifts of lore which thou baat shed around, With sting of Joy, and grief our bosoms often wound. Tor they spoak with living volco of the open hand, That w.« linked In cloeeat love with our household band That hand la brokn now—ita choicest spirit flown— My brotlior 1 oh ray brother! thus early dead and gone. We know that Uiou art happy now 1 no throb of pain, Hor sting ot chilling grief can wound the e're again— For thou lov'st the holy creed that our Saviour taught. And thy life a ptetOrs aweet by thoee teachings wrought— A star that hidnth not—told darkness and the storm, My brother I oh my brother 1 thus early dead and gone. Indications of want of lime in the soil may be seen in heavy crops of straw, and light crops of grain ; and in root crops where they seem to run fingers and toes Experiments should be made by every farmer with lime, upon various crops in all his fields, to ascertain whether lime would be beneficial to him. Very few places will be found where it will not be so. FLOGGING AN EDITOR "Jeptha, Judge in Israel, Had a daughter pasting fair " About twenty years ago, when a certain Western State (which wo shall not name) was a territory, and with a very few inhabitants, a young lawyer from one of the old States emigrated thither, and settled in iho town of K . He succeeded admirably in his profession, and rose rapidly in popular favor. Ho had bnen there nearly two years, when he had induced a printer to conre and print a weekly paper, of which he was editor and proprietor. Squire S was much pleased for a while with editing a paper. He was a m«n ol very low stature, but he used iho editorial " we" as frequently as if there was a dozen ol them, and each as big as Daniel Lambert or the Kentucky Giant.— Strange to say, there were at that time men in office who were not a partiolemoro honest than they should be—a thing which probably never happened before, and ne ver will again. Squire S felt all the patriotism ot a son of 70, and poured out grape and cannister against tho public abuses. This soon stirred up a hornet's nest about his ears; but as thero was no other paper in the territory, there was no reply and he enjoyed his warlike propensities in security. At length he published an article more severe and cutting against malfcasancc in office than any that had preceded it. In fact, though pointed at no one individual in particular, it was a scorcher. Some three or lour days after, he was sitting alone in his editorial office, which was about a quartet1 of a mile from the said printing establishment ; his pen was busy with a paragraph, when the door opened without much ceremony, and in stulked a nian about 6 lect in his stockings. lie asked, "Are you S , the proprietor of this paper?" Thinking he had found a new patron, the little man with one of his blandost smiles, answered in the affirmative. The stranger deliberately drew the last number from his pocket, and pointing to an article against rogues in office, told ihe affrighted editor it was intendtd lor "him." It wtfs irt Vain that S——— protested that he had never heard of him be. fore. The wrath of the visitor rose to a fever heat, and from being so long restraincd, boiled over wiih double fury. He gave the choice, either to publish a very laudable recantation, or takt a flogging on the spot. Either alternative was wormwood, but what could lie do ? The on raged office-holder was twice his size, and was able to qualify h m for an obituary notice.•What! not up yet-?' exclaims Bull, which was no sooner said, than up pops L—, amid the wink? and lsujzhter of the •boys.' Fanny, the daughter, was one of the pretteist girls in Tennessee, and therefore one of tho prettiest in the world—lor here we digress, in order to lay-down, as our ipse dixit, thai Tennessee women are matchless. The sweetheart of Miss Fanny was a young farmer whom we shall designate by the name of Bob. Health.—With regard to exercise, judge between the following extremes : A fox hunter can get druuk every night in the year, and yet live to an old age, but then he is all exercise and no thought. ■Not much of a trick, that,' says L, 'Try it again,' shouts Bull. To apply lime to the soil( spread it even, ly upon a crop of clover about to be plowed under, or sow it upon the surface with the wheat, and harrow thoroughly. It should never be combined with manure. When, at the word, down go the heads, no sooner under, than out comes the head of L— again, waiting as before, and popping under at the appearance of Bull, who puffing and blowing like a porpoise, looked around in perfect astonishment at the Don. appenrnnce of the Yankee. A sedentary scholar shall not bo able to get drunk once a year with impunity ; but then he is all thought and no exercise. It happened that one day before harvest, the young man was detained in the village a,id night found him as usual at the hotel, seated between the Major and his charming daughter. After a desultory conversation between the two gentlemen, on the stateof the weather, the prospect,of the approaching harvest, and such important staples of conversation, the Major asked Robert how his wheat crop promised to yield. In reply he was told that the young farmer expected to make at least a hundred bushels. The Major appeared to study for a moment; then abruptly proposed a game of old sledge, or 'seven up,' the stakes to be his daughter Faftny against a crop of wheat. This, of course, the young man indignantly refused, because he could not bear tho idea that the hand he loved should be made the Rubjcct of a bet, or that he should win a wife by gambling for her, and, perhops, because lie knew the old man was "hard to beat," and there was a strong probability of his losing both wheat and wife. Every clay soil, every muck soil, and every soil in which vegetable fibre does noc readily decay, because that is a sign that it contains some anticeptio acid, which prevents decay. This is the . case in swamps. Sandy, gravelly or thin soils may be overlimed and injured ; because, in causing the decay of vegetables, it sets free the ammonia, the very substance of fertility required. To prevent this, more food must be given for the lime to set upon.— No farmer, who knows what the action of lime is, upon soils, will ever do without it, us an accessory to his manure. It is a component part of all crops grown by the fanner. When applied to land whioh have not borne wheat for many years, it has at once raised it to fertility for that crop.— Where it has failed once to remunerate the farmer using it, it has proved of the great* est benefit a hundred times. Now iho great object is neither to get us. ed to loo much exercise, nor to be all tho't; but to enjoy his pleasure with a sprightly season. The four ordinary secrets of health are—early rising, exercise, personal cleanliness, and the rising from the table with the stomach unopprcssed. There may be sorrows in spite of these, but they may be less with them, and nobody can be comfortable without them. 'Not up yet! cuss hire, I'll give him another try,' when up pops L again, amid the screams of tho ' boys.' We know that thou art singing now, amid lhat Ihrong, Who 1U the air of Heaven with their rapfrous aoi.g— That angel wingidoth mantle thee with shining light, B«nealh that aiure iky with glory ever bright, Hut yet our spirits yearn to hrar4by kiudly tono— My brother ! oh my brother I thus early dead and gone. • Well,' says L , ' I thought yoi was some, but you ain't much, anyhow !*" 'Go it this time, or dio,' says Bull, Oh I how Ihe winds low sighing moan doth sadly call, L'pon the semis deep sky, tho voice that ne're can foil In music sweet upon our listening oar— Th D eye whose light lies hid beneath the silent bier, Our hoar is with ru.gnlsh smote—yet cannot deem thee flown My brother! oh my brother thus early dead and gone. When, at the word, down they went for the third time. No sooner was Bull fairly under, than L——, coming up again, whispers, 'fix him this time, anyhow.' A Model Speech The following is an extract from a speech of (Jen. Buncom, in Invor of 54 40— When Bull had been under long enough to drown any common ninn, he stuck hi* heud out, looking more like a drowned rat than any specimen of humanity. His astonishment may bo imagined' hut not described, when, looking around, the head of I.— was now here to be seen. Somo tall specimens ol tumbling and rolling might been seen when L—emerged from under the water, fresh for another trial. Ever after, when 4 Bull' was expatiating upon 'what's what' in England, all that was nocessary to say to him was 'Douse heads.' Vet bluet, oh blest be thoee 1 who watched with tender care Thy laat sad hour—and mingled with tbj prayer— Alut! Ibai those who loved thee well could nut have smoothed" Mr. Speaker—When I open my eyes, and look over this vast expanse of country —when I see how the yeast of freedom has caused it to rise in the scale of civilization, nnd expand on either side—when ] see it growing, swelling, roaring like a spring freshet—I cannot resist tho idea sir, that the day will conic when this great nation, like a young schoolboy, will burst its straps, and become entirely too big for its boots. Sir, we want elbow room—the continent, the whole continent, and nothin" but the continent—and we will have it. Then shall Unola Sam, placing his hat upon the Canad/is, rest his right arm upon the Oregon coast, his left upon the eastern seaboard, whittle away the British power, while reposing his leg like a freeman upon Cape Horn. Sir, the day will come—the day mu6t come." Thy dying bed ; thy pings with deep affection soothed Vet stntnger friends we blow thoe lor that cherished one— My Lrothi roh toy brother! lit us early dead and gone. Thus one by one departeth those who cheer Ufe'a wuate, Till the weary hearted pilgrim gladly hastes Unto that living rent—yet bow we to thy will Oh thou f whose holy pretence high Heaven doth fill— And grant that we upon the peaceful grieflt» shore— Jtfuy meet our guniie brother in Joy Ibrovi-r raore. CKeg«S New Yurk. MR*. M. II- OLMSTEAD. DOCTOR AM BURY Lime mixed with swamp muck or peat, makes an excellent manure. " I'spose you've heam of him, hoint you V I never have." " Well then, I'll tell you. One day I met the Doctor over toSimpkin's store, buying groceries. It was nwful cold. I felt a little hoarse, and my tongue was somewhat furry; so says I ; " My head feels a little acheish like; what do you think I'd better do V "Says he, friend S.r the best thing you can do is Jo go straight home and soak your feet and take a sweat, cause if you don't you might have a fever." Says I, " doctor 1 was just thinking a sweat would do me good, and now I guess I'll do it." So homo I went, and drank a bowl full of lansey tea, and if I didn't sweat like a beaver it's no matter. The next morning my head was as clear as a bell, and I was well again. Well, a day or two afterwards I met the doctor, and scys he, " Neighbor S., 1 have a small bill against you." 1 looked at him, and says I, "A bill!" and says he, " Yes, a bill for advice you know, at Simpkin's store the other day." What do you think he charged me? why, one dollar for lolling me to go home and tuke a sweat. " Well, doctor," say« I (because I would not appear small, you know,) "it's a'.l right, and I'll bear it in mind." Well a few days after, the doctor was passing by my door in his chaise, and somehow or other one ol the wheels got a little loose ; so says I " Doctor, if you don't drive that linch-pin in an inch, the wheel might come off." Says he, " I thank you," and he drove in the pin. Well, 1 went into the house and just made a charge of it. When I met him again I presented him the bill. " Halloa ! what on earth is that ?" said he. " Why, that's for advice." "Advice for what ?" says he. " Why, for driving in your whoel-pin; and I have just charged you ten shillings.*' "Well," eays he, " the difference between your bill and mine is just twenty.five cents." " That a all you owe me," says I. "Well,/'// bear it in mind," Bays he. But the doctor is as tight as a oandle mould, and 1 guess he's able to bear it in mind. Advice to Writers for the Press. It was not until the Major, with his usual obstinacy, had sworn that unless ao won her he should never have her, that the young man was reluctantly induoed to consent to play. The table was placed, the candle lighted, the cards produced, and the players look their scats, with Miss Fanny between them to watch the progress of the game. The cards were regularly shuffled and cut and it fell to the Major's lot to deal. The first hand was played, and Robert m8de gift to his opponent's high, low, and the game. Bob then dealt—the Major begged, —it was given, and the Major again made three to his opponent's one. Use black ink ; clear, good paper, written on one side only, in letters large and plain enough to be read like print} and, if you suspect defects in style, grammar, or punctuation, get a friend to correct it, and do not call upon the editor to do It. He litis no time, and it is not his business to do it. Be brief and clear, Which you canViot be if you do not fully understand your subject, in which case, let your pen remain dry rathpr than write for any periodical. Queer Mode of getting a Wife. The Irishman's Revenge. A few days since, in Portland, Maine, (where tho liquor law is in operation,) a good natured son of Hibernia, whose laudable occupation is th6 digging and selling of clams, fancying the necessity of procuring for medical purposes a quart of the contraband spirits, called for the purpose on the authorised agent for its sale, who, fearing it was not all right, peremptorily refused to grant his request unless he produced a prescription from a regular physician.One little act of politcnrss will somehtnwpave the way to fortune and preferment. The following sketch illustrates Ihe fact: A sailor, rouglily garbed, was saunter, ing through the streets of New Orleans, then in a rather damp condition, from rectnt rain and the rise of the tide. Turning the corner ot a muck frequented and narrow nlley, he observed a young lady standing in perplexity, apparently measuring the depth ol the muddy water between her and the opposite sidewalk, with no very satisfied countenance. Education Riz.—A precocious youth in a country town in Massachusetts, had arrived at the age of nine years, when his father sent him to school. He stood beside the teachcr, to repeat the letters of the alphabet."What's that?" asked the master. t " Harrer !" vociferated tho urchin. "No, that's A." "A." "Well, what's the fteat T" "Ox-yoke." Goon for a Shave.—During the " Shinplaster" day", a well known French barber, in Washington issued certain fippenny bit notes, which purported on the face to he redeemable in specie, «t sight, when presented in sums not less than five dollars; or singly good for a shave at his establishment. One day while occupicd in lathering down a customer, he was accosted by a boy who merely held out to him two of his own notes. "Six to two," said Miss Fanny, with a sigh. The Major, as lie again dealt the cards, winked knowingly, and said, "I am good for that wheat, Master Bob." The old man turned a trump—it was a spade. Fanny glanced at her futher's hand—her heart sunk—he held the three and eight spot and the king ! She looked at Robert's hand, and lo,—he held the ace, queen, deuce, and jack or knaves. She whispered to Robert to beg—he did so. "Take it," said the Major. "Three to six," said Miss Fanny, aloud. Robert played his deuce, which tlio Major took with his three spot, and followed by playing the king. Robert put his queen on it- The Major, supposing it was the young man's last trump, leaned over the table, tapping the last trick with his finger, said : •' That's good as wheat." " Is i! 1" asked Robert, as he displayed to the eyes of the astonished Major, the ace and jack, yet in his Jtand. " High, low, jack, gift, and game,-' shouted Robert. "Out," sententiously exclaimed Miss Fanny. "Good as wheat," added Robert, as he flung his arms around ber neok and kissed her. The poor Irishman really wanted the liquor, and provided he had obtained it, would undoubtedly have appropriated it to no improper uses, being a temperate man himself. But his importunities were unavailing, and he was obliged to leave the constituted agency minus tfie soothing drops, and of course not a little chagrined at Ills usage. "But," said lie, "I'll be revenged on you for your bad manners." A few days subsequently the honest Hibernian was wheeling a covered hand'barrow, laden with the goods of hiy "profession," by the city hall, under which the intoxicating agency is looated. The agent espying him, and suspecting that he was wheeling off to a place of security a load of "evil spirits," accosted him thus: The sailor paused, for he was a great adnirer of beauty, and certainly the faco hat peeped from under the littlo chip hat, ind the auburn curls hanging, glossy and uncoitfined, over her muslin dress, might tempt a curious or an admiring glance.— Perplexed, the lady put forth one little foot, when the gallant sailor, with characteristic impulsiveness, exclaimed :—*' That little foot, lady, should not be soiled with the filth of this lane. Wait for a moment, and I will m ake you a path." So, springing past her into a carpenter's shop opposite, he bargained for a plank, which stood in the doorway, and, coming back to the smiling girl, who was just coquettish enough to accept the services of th« handsome sailor, he bridged the narrow stream,-and she tripped across with a mDrry " Thank you,".and a roguish smile, making her eyes as dazzling as they oould be. " Vat you vant—eh !" inquired Mon sleur. " Taint B, nether! it's an o*-yoke f— Crotch all hemlock ! gosh a mighty ( think 1 don't know 1" •' No, it's 9." «' Master says I'm to get a shilling lor these notes sir." Ho agreed lo retract, and as the visitor insisted on writing it himself, h? sat to the desk. Squire S made an excuse td go to the printing office, with a promise that he would be back in season to sign it ns soon as it was finished. S had hardly gone fifty yards when he encountered a man who enquired where SquireS 's office was, and if he was at home. Suspecting that he was on the same errand as the other suitor he pointed to the office, and told him he would find the editor within writing a most abusive article against office-holders. This was enough. The eyes of the comer flashed fire. He rushed into the office and assailed the stranger with the epithets "liar," "scoundrel," " coward," and told him he would teach him how to write. The gentleman supposed it was some bully sent there by the editor, sprang to his feet, and a fight ensued. The table was upset and smashed into kindling wood—the contents of a large jug of ink stood puddled on the floor—the chairs had their legs and baoks broken beyond the skill of surgery to cure them. This seemed only to inspire the combatants with still greater fury; blow following blow with the rapidity of lightning. First one was kicked on the floor, then the other, each taking it in turns pretty equally— The ink on the floor had found its way to their faces, till both of them cut the most ridiculous figures imaginable. The noise and uproar was tr«mendous. The neighbors ran to the door and exclaimed that two negroes were fighting in Squire g 'g office. None dared separate them. At length, the circurmtancei of the case "A sheeting! Pnrdieu ! cannot your master read ? Does he not know vat the notes say "payable ven presented in sonis not less zan five dollars. Go you back to your master, and tell him to read it." As the boy vanished, the little barber looked after him and exclaimed— «I don'I zink zat he will come back.— Ze note say "in somsof five dollars—and I did not only issue four dollars aud fifty, cents" Nbver Satisfied.—Lately, as a gentle, .nan was examining a desk which had stood in an old out-building for a longtime he found a small bag, which he thought a shot bag, but on taking it up, the bottom fell out, and to his great surprise, out rolled five hundred gold pieces. After counting them, he said he via very sorry that he had not found them twenty year* aqoner, that he might have had the interest of them during that period. " Hallo! Pat, what have you in your wheelbarrow !" "Clams, be jabersl" replied Pat. "Ah! that is just what I want, I will take a peck, hand them in," says the agent of spirits. "No, sirrah! By the holy St. Patrick, you can't have them' be jabers !" said the inflexible Irishman. "Why not?" inquired the agent. " Well, sirrah," says Patrick, " it's meself who is the authorised agent to soli clams, and you don't have a divil a one of them, without you get a certificate from a regular practicing physishun, aC I am afraid lhat ye will be after making a bad use of them, anyhow." The authorised liquor vender didn't get his clams. 03" Change for Market.—'• My dear, what shall we have for dinner to-day V— "One of your smiles," replied the husband, "I can dine on that any day." "But I can't," replied the wile- " Then take this," and he gave her a kiss, and departed. He returned to dinner. "This is excellent steak," said he,."what did yon pay for it "Why, what you gave ir.e thia morning," said the wife. "The deuce you did," said he, "then you shall have the money the next time you go to market." «' Warm day, Uncle Peter, warm day," said Chick, as thev met on Sunday "Yes, it is," said tlncle Peter, " it is torn warm, if not summer." Alas! our young sailor was perfectly charmed. What else could make him catch up and shoulder the plank, and follow :he little witoh to her home, she twice performed the ceremony of walking the plank, and each time thanking him wilh one of her eloquent smiles. Presently, our hero saw the young lady trip up the marble bteps of a palace of a house, and disappear within its rosewood entranoe ; for full a minute lie stood looking at the door, and then, with a wonderful TDig sigh, turned away, disposed of hi* drawbridge, and wended his way back to the ship. The next day he Was astonished with an order of promotion from the captain— Poor Jack was speechless with amazement. He had not dreamed of being exalted to the dignify of second mate's office on board one 9ftJw most splendid vessels that aailed out of the port of New Orisons. He knew he Wis competent, for, K niD In duo tirpe fhey were married, and ever after that, when anything of a pleasant nature occurred to the happy couple, they would express their emphatio approbation of it by the phrase "Good as wheat." ■,, The lower cUsses are often like the set. dings ol chocolate—the beet part of it. A Down Easter advertises for a wife in something like the following ■nan' ner: 03- "My bark is on a troubled sea," ae the old lady said when her puppy fell overboaad.The King of Siatn has given assurances that he will not eat the missionaries* "Any Gal what's got a cow, a good feather bed, with comfortable fixins, five hundred dollars in hard pewter, one that's had the measles, and understands tendin' children, can have a customer (or life, by writing a billy dux, address Z. R-, and stick it on Uncle Ebenezer's barn' back side, jinin the hog pen " Oir Mrs. Partington says if the Maine Liquor Law passes, she will drink camphene for spite. ______ You cannot truly love, and ought not to be lovedi if you ask anything that virtue condemn?. I. H. S.—These letters are seen in Catholic and Episcepal Churches, and in the prayer-books of those sects. They are abbreviations of the Latin phrase Jesus Hominum Salvator, which signifies, "JesOs the Savior of men." Some may ask why the letter I is used instead of J ? Because formerly there was no letter J in the Roman Alphabet; then I was used where J now is. Many of our leaders can praba. bly remember having seen the name John spelled Iojjn. Miss Fantods says that if she ain't dead she has lost her " vitall spark," the young man wot used to sit up with her. Maybe, she didn't know how to urn her cocoa—eh? It is etiquette now in New York not to introduce visitors when they meet at a friend's house. JCJ" Marrying a woman for mer beauty, is like eating a bird for its singing. The price of" bricka" h#« fallen fifty per cent in Maine, sinee the enforoetaent of the Liquor Law. They are n9w but seldom worn, and excite little demand. Prtde is ** loud * beggar it w|M, «nd a grsatdeal more saucy. A Gentleman, popping his head through a tailor's shop window, exclaimed—"what o'clock is it by your lap-board 1" Upon which the tailor lifted his lap-board and struck him a blow on the head, answering, "It has just struct one." Mrs. Speckles says, the best vegetable pill that has been invented is the apple dumpling. For destroying a gnawing at the stomach, it is the only pill to be relied on. "Pat'cafac." There is nothing purer than honesty ; nothing sweeter than charity ; nothing warmer than love; nothing richer than wisdom j nothing brighter than virtue; nothing more steadfast than faith;