Pittston Gazette

              / "lBiS"V., Oldest NewsDaDer in the Wvominp Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, APRIL I, 1892. A WeeKly I.oca] and Familv loumal. ''I".',':','" Away VNL1 As long \ V V jL ai wash-board work and srhat goes / x} taken from it. i Know, uracie. I ve been coming occaj sionally. Once or twice a week is occai biouullv, isn't it'/" j •'Yes, 1 snppose you could call it so." with the wash-board DIDN'T LIKE IT at the tabernacle. from the Great Sahara Desert of keciesiasticisin, having on its back a hump of sanctimonious gloom—and vehemently refuse to swallow that camel. at their own imperfections through a tele scope upside down Twenty faultsof their own do hot hurt them half so much as one fault of somebody else. Their neighbors' imperfections are like gnats, and they Strain them out; their own imperfections are like camels, and they swallow them. But lest any might think they escape t he scrutiny of the text, 1 have to tell von NYE ON DIVORCES. **• *»•—I understand voice culture ana en.- italming; also interior decorations and butchering. I could make some man's home all aglow with gladness if 1 bad bis love and an urder on the store. Please do not cast tbif= letter aside with a petulant exclamation, but man - age somehow to get my address into the paper and I will knit you a big handBome clouded blue zeffer tippet for next winter. Can you judge one's nature by the liandwrite? He ThoQ{ht ike Line Should lie Dnwr Somewhere. DR. TALMAGE SCORES HYPOCRITES THEY ARE NOT WHAT THEY ARE The prosperous looking business man was plainly angry when be walked into the office and asked: "But when a fallow gets to coming three or four times a week, you know.it looks as if be were getting oil the occasional basis and trying to make a new deal. That's what's worrying ine." "1 wouldn't—r-r-V-rnm-tum. Ker-chug —let such a thing as that—lum-ti-tum- lum-ti-tumtum—worry me." AND DISHONEST TRADERS. Oh, how particular a great many people are about the infinitesimals while they are quite reckless about the magnitudes. W hat did ( hrist say? Did he not excoriate the people in his time who were so careful to wash their hands lDeforea meal, but did not wash tLeir hearts? It is a bad thing to have unclean hands; it is a worse thing to have an unclean heart. How many people there are in our time who are very anxious that after their death they shall be buried with their feet toward the east, and not at all anxious that during their whole life they should face in the right direction so that they shall come up in the resurrection of the just whichever way they are buried. How many there are chiefly anxious that a minister of the Gospel shall come in the line of apostolic succession, not caring so much whether he comes from Apostle I'aul or Apostle Judas. They have a way of measuring a gnat until it is larger than a camel. MAMMOTH CKIMFS IN Tit APR CRACKED UP TO BE, earline l't be I Tyas ruins fpAl$ you "Is there a man named Singlewood here?" Chrlftt Usetl Keen Wit Against the I'liarl- A Soulful l etter from One Who Ik Tired and No Doubt People Smiled in that w;e all come under the divine satire |. when we make the questions of time more prominent than the questions of eternity, i Come now, let us all go into the routes sional. Are not all tempted to make the question, Where shall I live now? greater ; than the question. Where shall 1 live for! ever? How shall 1 get more dollars here? greater than the question. How shall I lay up treasures in heaven? the question, How shall I pay my debts to man:- greater than the quest ion, How shall 1 meet my obligations to God? the. question, How shall I gain the world? greater than the question, What if 1 lose my soul? the question, Why did God let sin come into the world? greater than the question, How shall 1 get it extirpated from my nature? the question, \N hat shall I do with the twenty or forty or seventy years of my sublunar existence? greater that the question, What shall I do with the millions of cycles of my post-ter restrial existence? Time, how small it isl Eternity, how vast it isl The former more insignificant in comparison with the latter than a gnat, is insignificant when compared with a camel. We dodged the text. We said, "That doesn't mean me, and t hat doegn't meau me," and with a ruinous benevolence we are giving the whole sermon of Single Blessedness and Would Fain I j. M. W. The pale, solemn looking young man sitting at a desk in one corner of "the room looked up and replied: "My nami! is Singlewood."' "A. J. Singlewood?" asked the business man, striding over toward him. Churcli Tlieu as Now—Various Forms Wed—A Possible Suitor in the Shape Dear Laura—Your letter regarding penmanship and also tackling obstmso questions regarding the great why, and laying hold on the mysterious because, was duly received through the personal influence of Mr. Wanamaker. of Inconsistency. rDr a lialdlieiidfrl stranger. "It's all right, of course, to go on being friends, Oracie, but it's going to take a long time to break it to 'em gently if this occasional business gets any more BltooKLrN. March 27.—The tendency to formalism in religion and to hypocritical pretense in society received a severe Cinsti- instigation from the pulpit of the Brooklyn Tabernacle this morning. Dr. Talmage made a vigorous onslaught uixjii it, basing his remarks on the text, Matthew xxiii, 04,' "Ye blind guides, who strain at a gnat and swallow a camel."' (.Copyright, 1892, by Edgar W. Nye.] In the Divorce Country, ) March. ( Sioux Falln is too good and too great to be known abroad as the headquarters for quick divorce. We were shown at the Cataract House the various plaintiffs and defendants. is you use the plC there'll be hire waste. That' "Alfred J. Singlewood," returned the young man. I hardly know how to answer you fully and succinctly, and I would hate to write you and then feel afterward that the letter was not succinct. 1 would judge from your letter that you are naturally full of sparkle and chant* gayety, but had been kept back and stepped on and bruised by Fate and thrown down, and ill fortune has, as I may say, had you in the door. Excuso plain words, for I am a plain man, plain and simple. I make a specialty of both of these features. with it, and ca: "Your wife has a baby!" exclaimed the business man. -t-h'ru—occasionnl than it is now. And it'll be pretty tough on me to make it That's what it made for. It's the rub, rub, rub, on it that i the clothes. It's the wash-board that wears Dut. You don't need it. any less i "Why, yes, thank you—a boy." The young man fairly beamed as he started to get up from his chair. Lmn m. Uuiu-tum. )t eoursf l ive to quit A proverb is compact wisdom, knowledge in chunks, a library in a sentence, the electricity of many clouds discharged in one bolt, a river put through a millraee. Wheu Christ quotes the proverb of the texthe means to set forth the ludicrous behavior of those who make a great bluster alxnit small sins and have no appreciation of great ones. In my text a small insect and a  quadru[)cd are brought into comparison— The trial of these cases affords interesting entertainment for man and beast. The Baroness de Stenrs was waiting around the court house watch "Never mind the sex," returned the business man sharply. "Your wife has a baby, and you have a lot of blamed fool friends." It lias lwt;u a pr.-ity Ion 1 have bored yort. Lfr;: with a word now since about love" Away with wash-day! You don't need that, either. You don't set apart a day for washing the dishes. Wash the clothes in the same way, with no more work, a few at a time. But you'll have to use Pear line to do it. Pear line only can rki you of wash-board and 1iara woAc? with it you can do your washing when you like. And you can do it safely, too. Directions on every package. - A. WclV the peddlers andjmzegivers, who say their imitations are "as good as" | or "same as" rearline—IT'S FALSE—Pearline is never peddled and With *■* noequai. Sold by all giocers. 846 JAMES PYLE, New York. "A long time?" exclaimed Gracie pen sively. "It's been an eternity, Frank!" Again, my subject photographs all those who are abhorrent of small sins while they ure reckless in regard to magnificent th'-ft* You will find many a merchant he is so carcful that he would .••'iX take a yard of cloth or a spool of cotton from the counter without paying for it, and who if a bank cashier should make a mistake and send in a roll of bills five dollar* too much would dispatch a messenger in hot haste to return the surplus, yet who will go into a stock company in which after awhile he gets control of the stock uud then waters the stock and makes $100,000 appear like $000,000. He stole only $100,000 by the operation. Many of the men of fortune made their wealth in •1 B "Well, frankly," said the young man, "the boys have rather overdone the thing in an endeavor to "be funny. They've sent niu r tiles and bottles and all that sort of thing." Yum! Yum! Ynm-vum! Yum-yum! Which the sagacious reader will understand to lDe an interlude with which the piano had nothing whatever to do. Your letter and composition would indicate that you could make some good man deliriously happy if you wovM. You would have to use judgmenfof course about letting this happiness dawn on him too suddenly. You should sort of mentally unfold to him day by day, as it were, so that he can get acclimated. That would be my advice. Do not let him mentally founder himself. It might give him brain colic, and nothing is more disagreeable than for an intellectual bride to have to walk the floor of nights with a groom who has overloaded his thinker and has acidity and water brash on the brain. Be careful, Laura, to dawn on him easy, like an October morning. Do not burst on him like the unexpected return of an American husband who said he was going to be away all night, bnt steal in on his darkened soul like a footpad in York state. Sort of grow on him, like a beautiful lichen or edible fnngua. Cling to him, as Deuteronomy would say, like a pup to a foot. h gnat and a camel. You have in museum or on the desert seen the latter, u great awkward, sprawling creature, with back two stories high and stomach having a collection of reservoirs for desert travel, an animal forbidden to the Jews as food and in many literatures entitled "the ship of the desert." The gnat spoken of in the text is in the grub form. It is born in pool or pond, after a few weeks becomes a chrysalis and then after a few days becomes the guat as we recognize it. Hut the insect spoken of in the text is in its very smallest shape and it yet inhabits the water—for my text is a misprint and ought to read "strain out a gnat." ■ "And they've sent von dispatches, collect? " And Frank is to go to see Miss Gracie one day next week with a regularly ordained minister, a new black suit, and a marriage license.—Chicago Tribune. "Two or three," replied the young man pleasantly, "but after opening the first one I didn't accept any others. I couldn't afford to, you know. I told the telegraph boys the}' must 1«? for some other A. J. Single wood." away MODUS OPERANDI. But let us all surrender to the charge. What an ado about things here. What poor preparation for a great eternity. As though a minnow were larger than ;i behemoth, as though a swallow took wider circuit than an albatross, as though a nettle were taller than a cedar, as though a gnat were greater than a camel, as though a minute were longer than a century, as though time were higher, deeper, broader than eternity. So the text which flashed with lightning of wit as Christ uttered it, is followed by the crashing thunders of awful catastrophe to those who make the questions of time greater than the questions of the future, the oncoming, overshadowing future. O Eternity! Eternityl Eternityl To fall upon r Tarkry rut? Hefore tit_-r pretty feet. From Paiis, Benin, Vienna, "Of cotirse, of course," exclaimed the business man excitedly. "And there's only one other A. J. Singlewood in the directory." Protesting that tlie whole world hold* No treasure half so sw eet; To squander stamps and choke the mail* With daily billets donx that way That breathe devotion fond and deep— Ik thai the way to woo? / One of those men engaged in such unrighteous acts, that evening, the evening of the very day when he watered the stock, will find a wharf rat stealing an even ng newspaper from the basement doorway, and will go out and catch the urchin by the collar and twist the collar so tightly the poor fellow cannot say that it was thir.-it for knowledge that led him to the dishonest act, but grip the collar tighter and tighter, saying: "I have been lookiug for yon a long while. .You stole my paper four or five times, haven't you? You miseiable wretch!" And then the old stock gambler, with a voice they can hear three blocks, will cry out, "Police, police!" "I know it," returned the young man. "He's a contractor over in the Skyscraper building. That's what I told the telegraph and messenger boys." lew York PQMelimia and Boston. No, uever say a word of love. But whisper in her ear. The splendor of your  And what you have a year— The colors of your Brewster coach. The beauty of the view Commanded by your Newport house Upon the avenue. 6THA1NINU OUT THE GNAT. BETWEEN THE PLAINTIFF AND DEFENDA3T. ing the divorce works and ever and anon sticking a fork in her decree to see if it was done. Her husband said that she was crazy, and tried to put her in a retreat. She has him on the rim, however, as this goes to press. My text shows you the prince of incon sistencies. A man after loug observation has formed tho suspicion that in a cup of water he is about to drink there is a grub or the grandparent of a gnat. He goes and gets a sieve or a strainer. He takes the water and pours it through the sieve in the broad light. He says, "I would rather do anything almost than drink this water until this larva be extirpated." This water Is brought under inquisition. The experiment is successful. The water rushes through the sieveand leaves against the side of the sieve the grub or gnat. "You told 'em! That's what you"— The business man almost burst a blood vessel, but finally calmed himself by a great effort, and went on: "Young man, that contractor does a large amount of business by telegraph, and he can't afford to refuse any dispatches. The ones that were not referred to him by you, young man. were delivered to him in the first place, and he has paid out $4.25 for such rot as this." HEY ARB ALL HERB! THBY ARB BEYOND A QUESTION OF DOUBT THE FINEST LINE OF DRESS FABRICS EVER SHOWN. Her heart is sure to melt and thaw Before the cti-eriiiK rays Of this new li«ht which seems to show That uiatrimony'pays TW Han of the Future. According to the baroness, who is a tall, handsome woman, the baron used to open the exercises of the day by reversing his cuffs and ejaculating to his wife, "I wish I had never married you!" I met a man who was here as a witness. He said he resided here. And when at last ber hopes have turned Unconsciously to you. Be bold and ask ber for her hand. For that's the way to woo! The times are favorable, we think, for the presentation of new political ideals. Strong men of the old type, iron handed warriors and stern legislators, are out of date. On the' other hand, the want" o.* firmness and principle in connection with political affairs was never more conspicuous. We want a new race of strong men, in whom the gamester eieuient shall Iw wholly alwent, and who shall aim to accomplish their ends not by personal tours de force, nor yet by craft and flattery, but by steady adherence to principlo and patient efforts to awaken the public to a lense of their true interests. You are of a kindly nature, and would also shine in the household. I would say that, judging by your handwriting, you would make a good jell cake with frosting on it. if reverses came. Also that you would turn out a good clinker built pie. while in the matter of needlework and rag carpets you would arouse the envy and malice of the great maestros and artists. That same man, the evening of the day ou which he watered the stock, will kneel with his family in prayer and thank God for the prosperity of the day, then kiss his children good night with an air which seems to say, "1 hope you will all grow up to be as good as your father!" Prisons for sins insectile in size, but palaces for crimes dromedurian.. No mercy for sins animalcule in proportion, but great leniency for mastodon iniquity. From the guaranteed sombre fast black to the most _lelicate shade—in any light or dark color, we hive it. From the cheapest, but nevertheless pretty 5 cent 3hallie to the finest quality of Henrietta, Bedford Cord 3heveron or Landsdown, we have them. If you talk about your everyday style of dress good*, inch as the indispensable muslin, gingham, calico, every style and grade is upon our shelves While no shrewd ner hant asks an exorbitant profit on th's class ol 50odC*, we are prepared to offer them by the piece oi /ard at what other dealers have to pay for them. Trimming and fancy goods, the variety is complete. f¥e can match any shade and think can suit you in any style, and as to price, we know we are right—as right afinv house in the county. He displayed a dispatch which read, "Trust the father is doing well." Then warming up to his subject again he said: -M. E. W. In Life. Then the man carefully removes the insect and drinks the water in placidity. But going out oue day and hungry, he devours a "ship of the desert," tho camel, which the Jews were forbidden to eat. The gastronomer has no compunctions of conscience. He suffers from no indigestion. He puts the lower jaw under the camel's forefoot and his upper jaw over the hump of the camel's back, and gives one swallow and the dromedary disappears forever. He strained out a gnat, he swallowed a camel. His Name. The question. "What's in a name?" sometimes presents difficulties, but there is a negro in South Carolina who answers it without hesitation 60 far as his own case is concerned. He is a middle aged man, and was pointed out to a stranger by a gentleman in whose employ he is as a "character." "In what way?" asked the northern visitor. "1'U call him here," replied the other, "and you'll find out what 1 mean." "And how does witnessing pay here?" I inquired. "That contractor, young man, is a respectable bachelor, and it hurts him to be asked by wire if it's a boy or a girl. And it roils him to pay half a dollar for some blamed fool advice on how to bring up a child. Suggestions that he call him Josephus tend to ruin his standing in the community, and the hope expressed by telegraph that he may have many happy returns of the day makes the men in the office snicker and lessens his dignity. Young man, you'll pay me, A. J. Singlewood, contractor, |H.25 for those dispatches, take back the rubber dolla that I have received and admit in writing that the baby is yours or I'll go to law about it. Understand? I'll sue you for the $4.23." "Very well." he said; "very well in most cases. 1 have a comfortable home here now, all made as a witness in divorce cases. Sometimes* 1 act as a witness and again as a j uror. Formerly I was an actor. I played the doom in an emotional play one year and returned to Chicago very much broken in health. I applied to a physician, giving him my card and telling him my symptoms. He looked at me keenly, then he read my card and said: The acoustics of your rag carpets would awaken a new interest in explosives. You would not be content with imitating nature in your art. You would make foliage a good deal greener than nature has ever dared to do, and yonr sunsets would be redder and more intemperate, I think. CC/I.OSSAL LI KB A BOLT THE CROPS. It is time that we learu in America that sin is not excusable in proportion as it declares large dividends and has outriders in equipjige. Many a man is riding to perdition postilion ahead and lackey behind. To steal a dollar is a gnat; to steal many thousands of dollars is a camel. There is many a fruit dealer who would not consent to steal a basket of peaches from a neighbor's stall, but who would not scruple to depress the fruit market; and as long, as 1 can rememU r we have heard every summer the jH-ach crop of Maryland is a failure, and by the time the crop comes in the misrepresentation makes a difference of millions of dollars. A man who would not steal one peach basket steals fifty thousand peach baskets. The strong man of the future will lie strong in knowledge and in social sympa thy, and his strength will be spent, not in efforts to perpetuate his personal ascendency, but in efforts to develop all that is best in the society of the time. The true strong man, as we conceive him, will have no greed for power; his greed, if snch it may be called, will be for usefulness, and he will show his strength by his willingness to rttire at any-moment from a public to a private.position rather than prove unfaithful to his convictions or d* anything unworthy of a man of honor. While Christ's audience were yet smiling at the appositeness and wit of his illustration—for smile they did in church, unless they were too stupid to understand the hyperbole—Christ practically said to them, "That is you." Punctilious about small things; reckless about affairs of great magnitude. No subject ever withered under a surgeon's knife more bitterly than did the Pharisees under Christ's scalpel of truth. "My friend would like to know your name," he said to the colored man when he had summoned him. But you must not be cast down, Laura. Certainly I would encourage you to be brave. Good men are scarce and shy now, but when spring opens you will hear their baritone honk as they go northward, Do not get too near them while molting, for they are timid and easily startled, but watch your chance when they are grazing and possibly during the sucker season you may land one, for men as a rule are not so able as they let on to be. 4C 'You have made a mistake. The place where they cure hams is farther down the street.' "Yes, sah," replied the darky, turning a gleaming smile on the visitor. "My name, sah, is Thomas Caesar Victor Jubilee Fitzgerald Poinpey Swan. K. Q. X., sah!". "I have since that abandoned the stage to its fate." As an anatomist will take a human body to pieces and put them under a microscope for examination, so Christ finds his way to the heart of the dead Pharisee and cuts it out and puts it under the glass of inspection for all generations to examine. Those Pharisees thought that Christ would flatter them and compliment them, and how they must have writhed under the red hot words as he said, "Ye fools, ye whited sepulchers, ye blind guides which out a gnat and swallow a camel." I have decided that a lack of suitable employment has much to do with these divorces in high life. If the husband had to saw wood or jerk an engine over 500 miles of mortgaged roadbed every day, and could come home tired and hungry six days in the week instead of loading himself up with spirits and club scandal, he would probably be able to put more money into stock and less into alimonv. "Well, I'll tell you," said the young man apologetically, "I want to do what's right, but my salary isn't very large and I can't afford to pay for the dispatches and also the expense of the baby. Now, if vou"  "Ah!" ejaculated the northern man in amazement. a fine name certainly. But what do those three letters at the end stand for—K. X?" Easter is at our door. You want new hats, inexpen rive but ►tylish. Our millinery department is the place Your children want school hats; we have them in endless variety, from 25c up, durable and pretty. Gents' and Boys' Hats—very latest fashion. If a saving of 20 per cent in buying counts with you, then fail not to come to see us. Strictly speaking, a man who with adequate knowledge and intelligence tries faithfully to serve the public can never Be obscure, though offices should not seek him nor caucuses make mention of his name. The public at large will recognize and honor his efforts, and his influence may be greater in a private station than that of a score of average legislators.-- Popular Science Monthly.- "Well, 6ah." said the darky, with a still broader smile, "dey don't stand fer nothin percisely. Y'see 'twas dis way. My joung missus dat tole me all de fust book larnin dat ever 1 had befo* de wah, she larnt me de alph'bet from my own name. It had all de letters in it jest exceptin dem t'ree, K. Q an X, an dose she writ after tnv name. Any summer go down into the Mercantile library, in the reading rooms, and see t he newspaper report s of the crops from all parts of the country, and their phraseology is very much the same, and the same men wrotu them, methodically and infamously canning oijl the huge lying about tho grain crop from year to year and for a score of years. After awhile there is a "corner" in the wheat market, and men who had a contempt for a petty theft will burglarize the wheat bin of a nation and commit larceny upon the American corncrib. And men will sit in churches and in reformatory institutions trying to strain out the small gnats of scoundrelism, while in their grain elevators and in their storehouses they are fattening huge camels which they expect after awhile to swallow. Society has to be entirely reconstructed on this subject. We are to find that a sin is inexcusable iu proportion as it is great. 1 TUB XAJT WHO MIGHT DO But the contractor had gone.—Chicago Tribune. An Amicable Arrangement. There are in our day a great many gnats strained out and a great many camels swallowed, and it is the object of this ser mon to sketch a few persons who are extensively engaged in that business. "How is it, Uncle Rastus," said a gentleman to a darky, "that you never married? Aren't you an admirer of the softer sex?" fits Bed Is a Plank. It is the same 011 the other side of the house. It is no fresh discovery that Satan's intelligence office supplies more work for the unemployed than any other place. The "boss" lodger at the East Sixty seventh street police station is a stalwart German, who employs his leisure hours in the daytime as a dishwasher in a down town restaurant and his nights on the soft est plank iu the station house. He has acquired his position as "boss" of the lodging room by force of arms, and none of his fellow lodgers dares to dispute his author ity. For want of room we are going to dispose of our entire stock of trnnks and satchels. Have every article in this department marked at a lower price than first cost. "I lanit de alph'bet in dat way, an how to spell my name at de same time; an dem free extry letters dat wa'n't in de body ob my name, as you might say. bat was added 011 like, hab fixed demselves so fum in niy mind, sah, dat 1 always speaks an writes dem jest nacb'lly right after Swan, sah! "I fot er dnel wunce 'boat a gal,  replied Uncle Rastns. "A duel?" * EXTEiKMKLV TOKMAL PliEACHERS. First, i remark, that all those ministers of the Gospel are photographed in the text who are very scrupulous about the conven tionultiesof religion, but put no particular stress upon matters of vast importance. Church services ought to be grave and solemn. There is no room for frivolity in religious convocation. But there are illuv trations, and there are hyperboles like that of Christ in the text that will irradiate with smiles any intelligent auditory. There are men like those bland guides of the text who advocate only those things in religions service which draw the corners of the mouth down, and denounce all those things which have a tendency to draw the corners of the mouth up, and these men will go to installations and to presbyt ea and to conferences and to associat. The life of the party to an action for divorce here is indeed a bleak one. Plaintiff and defendant at Siotix Falls lire at the same hotel because it is the best one. Thero they mope around, waiting for their turn at court, and glare at each other across their fruit meringue. Different cases do not get acquainted much with each other, each regarding his or her case as exceptionally aggravated, while the others of course are mere disgraceful cat and dog fights. "Yes, sah; yeahs and yeahs ago. Sam Jackson an myself, we bof lubbed de same gal; we were bof boun to git dab. and de business climaxed in er duel. Wo bof wah a trifle nahvous, sah, an 'stead ob me hittin Sam or Sain hittin me, we brought down a vallyble mult* dat wall standin neah de fence." Lace curtains and other hangings and draperies, we show a large line. We mean to lead and offer extraordinary values. Any one can be suited as to style and price. "Ob course," added this much named man in a judicial tone, "some folks might say dem letters ain't really necessitous; but it 'pears like as if my parents —what 1 never knowed, dey bein sold away from whar I was brung up—come so mighty near gettin de whole alph'bet in my name, 'taint no more dan jest respeckful an gratitndinons to add dem t'ree, what jest slipped dere minds!"— youth's Companion. As is nsual among the tramps who seek lodgings in the station houses, they gather about the buHding in the earlier hours of the evening ami await the signal for ad mission given by the doorman on duty, when there is a rush for the most desirable places on the sloping boards which form the rude couches provided for them. But this "boss" of the lodging room disdains to subject himself to any such rulr lie marches into the station house at i) or 10 o'clock at night, or at any hour that may best suit him, gives a military salute to the sergeant at the desk and retires to the plank which is always reserved for his occupation. He is allowed this extra privi lege because.be preserves order among the other lodgers, and is at the beck and call of the doorman on duty, running errands for him, assisting him in cleaning the house and making himself generally useful. 1 know in our time the tendency is to charge religious frauds upon good men. They say, "Oh. what a class of frauds you have in the Church of God in this day," and when an elder of a church or a deacon or a minister of the Gospel or a superintendent of a Sabbath school turns out a defaulter what display heads there are in many of the newspapers—great primer type: five line pica—"Another Saint Absconded," "Clerical Scoundrelism," "Religion at a Discount," "Shame on the Churches," while there are a thousand scoundrels outside the church to where there is one inside the church, and the mis behavior of those who never see the inside of a church is so great it is enough to tempi a man to become a Christian to get out CDf their company. Cloaks, jackets, newmarkets, wraps—we never did show as fine a line of spring garments as now. This department receives our special attention and special inducements are offered. Misses' school jackets take a prominent place. Prices are figured way down. "And did you fire again?" asked the gentleman, very much interested. "No. sah, dat was a very vallyble mule, bows, an we bof kinder skeartlike. So we entered into an americable prearrangement."I did not see the Baron de Steurs, but I saw his successor. Being a baron, as a Dakota man said yesterday, is not always the snap that it is regarded by the masses.. The heart of a,baron maybe at times cast down even as othgrs are. A cold hearthstone around which are clustered the slippers of another person no doubt chills the heart of a baron just as it would the heart of one who is in trade. I saw a man yesterday whom 1 thought at the time would fall an easy prey if you had been near by with a good Limerick hook baited with red flannel. US §Hi "How did yon settle it?" "Sam tuk the gal an greed to pay for de mule, an I hain't lubbed sence!"— Texas Sittings. A Disappointed Heiren*. their pockets full of fine sieves to strain out the gnats, while in their own churches at home every Sunday there are fifty people sound asleep. They make their churches a great dormitory, and t.heir somniferous sermons are a cradle, and the drawled out hymns a lullaby, while some wakeful soul in a.pew with her fan keeps the flies off unconscious persons approximate. Now, I say it is worse to sleep in church than to smile in church, for the latter implies at least attention, while the former implies the indifference of the hear ers and the stupidity of the speaker. He was a real bald man. Ton could see at a glance that it was not assumed. He only had a slight dash of hair, a shrimp pink lambrequin of self reliant jute hanging recklessly on the suburb* of his head and wandering along down among the large cool patches of sage green freckles on his hectic neck. I never speak lightly of a baldheaded man, Laura, for I always say to myself, "No man knows when he may be that way himself." But this man whom I picked ont for you was a clear case. There was no help for it. It was one of those confirmed cases of premature baldness at the age of seventy-nine years resulting from aitting too close to the footlights in order to follow the libretto and divertissement of the opera, or possibly, perhaps, from wearing one s halo too mnch in the house. She was romantic. Her father was a a millionaire, whose life had been dovoted to sausage making. He was practical, naturally, but all the poetry of her family was centered in her! She was beloved by another millionaire's eon, but she had been reading romance and stuff, and when lie proposed to her she declared that he must do something poetical for her. i. B. BROWN'S BEE HIVE, Learning Appreciated Cultivated Stranger—Yon advertise for a man who can speak twenty-six lanjju&ges. Mr. Gotham—Yes, sir. The position is still open. But iu all circles, religious and irreligious, the tendency is to excuse sin in proportion as it is mammoth. Even John Milton in his "Paradise Ixwt," while he condemns Satan, gives such a grand description of him you have hard work to suppress your admiration. Oh, this straining out of small sins like gnats, and this gulping down great iniquities like camel*. When his duties at the station house are ended the German betakes himself to the eating room, where he earns his meals and a little pocket money by dishwashiug and doing chores. For many mouths he has com in mil this mode of life, and seems more happy and contented with his lot than thousands of others whose lines have fallen iu pleasauter places.—New York Times. I sometimes think that possibly I have hurt the baron business in this conn fry by a light and flippant manner in referring to some of our struggling barons, but I am sorry for it now. Barons who mean to do right will always find in me hereafter a warm hiend, patron and chaperon. MAIN & WILLIAM STREET. PITTSTON. "May I ask concerning the matter of its duties?" SPRING GOODS "Dearest, what can 1 do?" "Become a poor artist." "1 couldn't be any other kind of an artist." "Certainly. I own considerable property in New York, and 1 want a man to collect the rents."—New York Weekly. In old age, or from physical infirmity, or from long watching with the sick, drowsiness will sometimes overpower one, but when a minister of the Gospel looks off upon an audience and finds healthy and in telligent people struggling with drowsi ness it is time for him to give out the dox ology or pronounce the benediction. The great fault of church services today is not too much vivacity, but too much somnolence. The one isau irritating gnat that may be easily straiued out; the other is a great, sprawling and sleepy eyed camel of the dry desert. In all our Sabbath schools, in all our Bible classes, in all our pulpits we need to brighten up our religious mes sage with such Christlike vivacity as we find in the text. *HT THE* Reporter—The Daily Catchall wishes to print yoar picture in tomorrow's issue. Will you let us have a photograph?Perfectly Wllllnj. "1 mean yon must intend to become a poor artist. Pa does not know you. Yon must come and make love to me and 1 will fall in love with you. Pa will object and make a row. We will elope and get married, and when it's all over we'll tell him, and it will be delightful " This subject does not Rive the picture of one or two persons, but Is a gallery in which thousands of people may see their likenesses. For instance, all those people who, while they would not rob their neighbor of a farthing, appropriate the money and the treasure of the public. A man has a house to sell, and he tells his customer it is worth £20,000. Next day the assessor comes around and the owuer says it is worth $15,- 000. The government of the United States took off the tax from personal income, among other reasons liecause so few people would tell the truth, and many a man with an income of hundreds of dollars a day made statements which seemed to imply he was about to be handed over-to the overseer of the poor. A Pigpen at Economy. Miss McSwellan Woertz writes a letter from a postoffice in New Hampshire which I cannot make out. She says: One of the most expensive and we may say curiously constructed pigpens in Penn sylvauia, or perhaps in the United States, has been completed at Economy. The cost of the pen or nursery up to date is $tt,000. It is constructed not only on sanitary prin ciples, but with special regard to the com fort of each and every porker which finds a place within its walls. It is heated by two large stoves, and the entire pen is covered with a glass roof with proper ventilators. The eating room is separated from the rest of the pen and everything is kept scrupu lously clean by two attendants, whose sole duty is to take care of the pigs aud look after the heating and ventilating of the buildiug. The pen contains 300 as fine young porkers as can be seen anywhere. - Beaver Falls (Pa.) Journal. Dear Sir—Pardon a stranger from thus addressing yon, no doubt, as your time Is all taking up and you hate, I dare say, to be burdened with the cares of others people, but I am so situated that I must write or talk to some one. BARGAIN STORE Imported Star — Certainly. . Marie, wbere's that portrait I had taken on my wedding day? Marie—I'll get it in a moment, madam It's in your granddaughter's album.— New York Weekly. And so he became a poor artist and took a poor studio, and daubed on canvas and pretended to paint pictures. And there was another millionaire's daughter got to coming to this studio and sitting for her picture. In those delightful tete-a-tetes he forgot all about the romantic maiden, and when the romantic maiden came ono night in peasant costume as a sweet surprise to run away with him she found he was married to the other girl and had gone off on his honeymoon. She thinks that 10 mances are all lies now. and that nothing happens in real life as it happens in books.—London Tit-Bits. My life thus far has been a Perflck heW You cannot understand it with the sun of prosperity shining on you pro and con, but with me it is no shimera. It is real. Oh, I hare prayed to die and be shet of the whole business, but Providence seemed to have it in for me. We are receiving large quantities of nice Spring Goods in all the departments We show special inducements in our Carpet Department just now. nD ume Calculator. Pan a—How old was Methuselah, auntie? A Fatal Harrier, My father married injudiciously and has always hated me because I am so little like him. How can I resemble papa by request? 1 cannot resemble people on such short notice. 1 cannot resemble people while they wait. Ufl Ur I, * I take down from my library the biographies of ministers and writers of the past ages, inspired aud uninspired, who have done the most to bring souls to Jesus Christ, and I find that without a single exception they consecrated their wit and their humor to Christ. Elijah used it when he advised the Baalites, as they could not make their god respond, telling them to call louder as their god might be sound asieep or gone a-hunting. Job used it when he said to his self conceited comforters, "Wisdom will die with you."' Christ not only used it in the text, but when he ironically complimented the putrefied Pharisees, saying, "The whole need not a physician," and when by one word be de scribed the cunning of Herod, saying, "Go ye, and tell that fox." NEARLY ALL GREAT PREACHERS WITTT. Aunt—Nine hundred years. Hans—And how old are you, auntie? Quite a large line of Wash Dress Goods in the latest productions of American and European Mills to be sold at bargain prices. Our Shoe Department never was better supplied with nice, stylish and durable good* as at present. We guarantee a saving of from 25 to 50 per cent, on all the goods we handle. Careful to pay their passage from Liverpool to New York, yet smuggling in their Saratoga trunk ten silk dresses fr.im P-"-is and a half aozou watcties rrom Uencva, Switzerland, telh'ng the custom honse officer on the wharf, "There is nothing in that trunk but wearing apparel,'? and putting a live dollar gold piece in his hand to punctuate the statement. Even if I could resemble pa 1 would hesitate. He is plain and chews hard tobacco. His soul is just as sordid as it can be. Once a man called paaPessymist and pa bit his ear off. He was sorry for it afterward, because whilst in jail a kind hearted lady showed pa the dictionary and he saw that he was too hasty. I lost my mother last week. Grief and bichloride of gold killed her. And so at the age of twenty-uiuc years I am motherless, and I never did look well in mourning. I hate it. I look like a camphorated widow. Father threatens to marry again. This time he will marry into the army—the Salvation Army. She is a peri from away back. She sings "Come to Jesus," and the teams then run away and break things. Aunt—Thirty, my child. Hans (after a moment s reflection)— Then my cousin reckoned wrong by 876 years. He said yon were as old as Methuselah.—Hnmoristiche Blatter. 1V» anCl Coffee Necfiuarien of Life. It seems curious to think that tea and coffee, which Europe got on without for years, should at last have n cime one of the necessaries of life. Neither have food properties in their component parts* they give neither flesh, fat nor bone, being •imply stimulant in their effects upon tha system. Another curious fact is that which tells ua that both tea and coffee acquire their stimulating powers from a principal named theine, of which no other known plants possess any considerable quantity.—St. Louis Republic. Wit of Wag*. The More the Merrier. Marie—So you are engaged to Charlie Chester? DescrilDed in tlie text are all t hose who are particular never to break the law of grammar, and who want all their lau guage au elegant specimen of syntax, straining out all the inaccuracies of speech with a line sieve of literary criticism, while through their conversation go slander and innuendo and profanity and falsehood larger than a whole caravan of camels, when they might, better fracturo every law of the language and shock their intellectual taste, and better let every verb seek in vain for its nominative, and every noun for its government, and every preposition lose its way in the sentence, and adjectives and participles and pronouns get into a grand riot worthy of the Fourth ward on election day, than to commit a moral inaccuracy. Better swallow a thousand gnats than one camel. Claire (carelessly)—Yes. Marie—Isn't tie the fourth Charlie tc whom you are engaged? Oni Peioi to All for Cash Only. national Auction Mrs. Hicks—Wliy is it you are never willing to go to church with me any more? Baigain 60. Claire (listlessly)—1 believe so. Marie—Good gracious, Claire, how de you tell them apart? Matthew Henry's Commentaries from the first page to the last coruscated with huinor as summer clouds with heat lightning. John Bunyan's writings are as full of humor as they are of saving truth, and there is not an aged man here who has ever read "Pilgrim's Progress" who does not remember that while reading it he smiled as often as he wept. Chrysostom, George Herbert. Robert South John Wesley. Ueorge Wbltefleld, Jeremy Taylor, Kowland Hill, Nettleton, George G. Finney and all the men of the past who greatly advanced the kingdom of God consecrated their wit and their humor to the cause of Christ. But father loves her. I can sec that. He can't keep his eyes off from her. Yon ought to nee her on the street singing at eventide, marching through the mud. It would make you laugh to see the way she maltreats a tambourine. She came and kissed me onct, bat I took it off with some wart medicine I had on hand at the time. Mr. Hicks—Don't like the new steam heating appliances; every time it thumps I wake up.—Once a Week. Claire (sweetly)—I don't.—Detroit Fre# Press. An Age of Inventions. But the inventive faculty of the present age is a continuous marvel, and it is difficult to explain the cause of the wonderful impulse. Patent offices of every nation are crowded with patents, and the great strides in this direction are increasing rapidly every year Invention is science applied, and it is characteristic of the higher civilisation; but a great deal of this success is due to the patent right systems of govern ments, anil the fostering care which they exercise over this most, important of industries.—George Elhelbetl Walsh in New York Epoch "I say, Beauty, that was a clever bit of yours on the tramp who callel the other night." 12 North Main Street, ■"insssr-1 pittston. pa. Her B«p«utaiice. Ail Uiglit. "Gracie, you—you don't think I come here too often, do you?" was the anxiou* inquiry of the ingenuous, open faced young man who stood leaning against the piano. Mrs. Homebody—See here! Do you call this good measure? This can isn't half full. What would you do, Mr. Nye, If you was me? I have no home at all. This is just as I say, a what-you-may-call-it on earth. After what 1 have saw of marriage you can see that I look upon it askance, snd yet 1 believe I could make some good man happy. Do you not think so? I)o you know such a man? Or If not a real good man, one that I could mold? "Yes; there was some snap to it."— Life. Milkman—That's all right, mum. Il't condensed milk, you know, mum.—Boston Transcript. Oar Baby. some ran stiD is ioidweitii folli. "Certainly not. Frank," said the yonng lady sitting ou the pitfho stool. THE PETTY FAULT FINDERS. "He has his grandmother's eyes'andi C1 his grandpapas nose."—Harper'?; /' Such persons are also described in the text who are very much alarmed about the small faults of others and have no alarm about their own great transgressions. There are in every community and in every church watchdogs who feel called upon to keep their eyes on others and growl. They are full of suspicions. They wonder if that man is not dishonest,If that man is not unclean, if there is not somet hing wrong about the other man. They are always the first to hear of anything wrong. Vultures are always the first to smell carrion. They are self appointed detectives. I lay this down as a rule without any exception—that those people who have the most faults themselves are mast merciless in their watching of others. From scalp of head to sole of foot they are full of jealousies and hypercriticisms. You must meet a good many different people one time and another, especially young men of your own age. How would it do for yon to ~Drow man in my wmyT l seed carte M ran*, also carte blanche; also picture of myself taking a 4th of July held here. I do my hair different now, and have quit wearing prunella shoes except in hot weather. Friends say I have greatly improved since this picture was struck off. Wort Timothy and Clorer Reeda contain a large percentage of weed seed*, which coat you from Lum-ti-tiun-ti-tum-tum. R-r-r-r r-r-r-tum-tum. Which the sagacious reader will understand to bo an interluCle on the part of the piano. One View of It "I don't think it's exactly fair for my teacher to keep me in because she can't read my writing," said Willie. "It isn't my fault if she doesn't know how to read."—Harper's Bazar. So it has been in all fhe ages, and I say to these you tig theological students, who rluster in these services Sabbath by Sabbath, sharpen your wits as keqp as scimiters and then take them into this holy war. It is a very short bridge between a smile and a tear, a suspension bridge from eye to lip, and it is soon crossed over, and a smile is sometimes just as sacred as a tear. There is as much religion, and I think a little more, in a spring morning than in a starless midnight. to 15 cents per pound, besidt-s reducing your graaj cr p and exhausting your ground. Wo make of the Whitney-Noyea Oo 'a brands, freed from weed seeda an J waste by exclusive pro csaaea. We keep the very best productions in '•1 didn't know,"' pursued the young man reflectively,'-but 1 had been over- Ruiimm Wuincu anil Church Work. EYERK KIND OF FARM AND GARDEN SEEDS Churches in Kansas are almost entirely controlled bj the women. They are deiw cons in the Congregational church in a few instances and hold various offices in all churches throughout the state. The men are churchgoers, but are not always church workers. The women raise the money to build church and parsonage and lmprdre both. Think of the festivals— oyste*, berry, peach and ice cream efforts. There is something of the kind every other night in every town all the year around. A Hiawatha church needed fifty dollars to paper and paint the parsonage. A woman member hired a dramatic reader for ten dollars, took in thirty-five dollars' admission money and got up an advertising programme for which the merchants pala Mr thirty-two dollars.—Kansas City Star. doing it." Wouivu on Horseback 1 was never sick a (lay in my life, and can eat anything that is set before me. I am fond of children and buckwheat cakes. R-r-r-r-rum-tum. Lum-ti-tuin-ti-tnm turn. R-r-r-r-rum-tum. Women riders look very n;iUy. It is ■aid that a woman never looks so well any where as on horseback. -And so she does, if she has the style of figure that elicits the comment, "she sits high," which, belug translated, means she is long waisted, broad in the hips, short legged and straight hacked. Very tall, slender, lithe women look horrible on horseback. This is the one place their broad and chunky sisters have the advantage of them. A riding habit is, also, a trying costume. It requires an extremely marked figure to stand the rigid lines of the riding dress—especially as they now make it.—New York Cor. Pittsburg Bulletin. In bulk. No packages, of doubtful age. The largest stock and the lowest prices. We are agents f-W the LACKAWANNA BRANDS Or rUTlLIZBU. Their great superiority-end economy in priue has bean demonstrated toy the highest teadmooy. Choice Lawn Seeds and Lawn Dreating. "What made you think so, Frank?" Tell me what I should do to escape this living death in the home nest. What do yon think of advertising for a corespondent? I hate to write my soul throbs to a man of whom I have never saw. Do you know what to do to remove superfluous hair? I am afraid that a mustache Is budding on my face, and though I do not mind it now, I know it wilL mortify ma when I get old. If there is anything givea ma a pain it is too see an old lady going down to her grave in an iron gray mustache. People. "Why, it was the stipulation, you know, when you gave me the—the cold shake, that I should come to see you occasionally as a friend, so as not to break off too sudden and get people to talking. Wasn't it?" Hoar* for Sleep. 1 The rale of eight hoars for work, eight for recreation and eight for Bleep would not "do" on the majority of farms, bat if you need eight hoars' sleep take it by all means. Some need only six, and the older we grow, aa a general rale, the leas we sleep. "Early to bed" is one of the best health maxims ever made, and he who robe himself of needed sleep unquestionably shortens his lift by so doing.—Spring - Finest G'ocerle*, Pure Medicinal Wines and LI* qnors, Mineral Waters, (Hears, Tobaccos, Snuff*. fST Write for catalogues. We prepay express charges. Religious work without any humor or wit in it iB a banquet with a side of beef, and that raw, and no condiments and no dessert succeeding. People will not sit down at such a banquet. By all means remove all frivolity and all pathos and all lightness and all vulgarity—strain them out through the sieve of holy discrimination; but, on the other hand, beware of that monster which overshadows the Christian church today, conventionally, cemipg up Lum-ti-tum-tum. Pilli - willi - williwilli-willi-willi. Ker-chug. Ker-chug. R-r-r-rum-tum. W. 7VL FILLER St CO. Steket'lirMt? WILKES-BARRE, SKSt* They spend their life in hunting for muskrats and mud turtles instead of hunting for Rocky mountain eagles; always for something mean instead of something grand. They look at their neighbors' imperipctions through a uycro&coye, and look Write to me. Mr. Nye, if yon can, for I an practically an orphan, and if 1 were to take a wrong step now »fter writing to yon, if yon do not reply, yon would never forgive younili, would you? Yours with lore. "Yes, 1 believe that was the understanding.""That's what fve been doing, you Luou.Ms8wiuiur Vtomak