Pittston Gazette

              'ewsoaDer in the WvomiDg Valley PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1891. rat jilil D• f UlUCSl M A Weedy Local and i amilv lournal. r' V.T?.;:".'" graph of myself to sit on his piano iu the off parlor. It is designed to contain nothing bnt products of his place, such as cereals and other grains, seeds, nuts, acorns, etc., etc. These are glued on a pine frame and then a coat of shellac is put on over the whole so is to look almost like a boughten frame. There will be an inner row of buckwheat, then a row of flax seed, then two rows of rye and one of wheat, then corn, oats, etc., with acorns and nuts, chinkapins, etc., etc., in the corners, with a rosette of corn in the ear and festoons of dried apples over the whole. I can help it 1 will see that it never occurs, especially when lio has a letter of introduction from some one I know. OPPOSING ITS COUNTRY. "How did it come about?" asked tht landlord. GEMS IN VERSE. HIS EMBLEM OK SORROW. seemed to loose their hold ou the senses, and a score of petrified waiters stood holding in their petrified hands petrified trays covered with petrified roasts, steaks, sandwiches, vegetables, fruits and pastry. SOME STATE PRISON STATISTICS. touciiea mere on tneir way home Trom the 6eat of war. We climbed the hill through the sweltering heat, and he seeuied to hold up under it quite well. All at once, like a clap of thunder from a clear sky, came the terrible thought, "Oh, heavens! oh, heavens! After all, perhaps they were really mushrooms." Tho Mugwump Opposition to Reciprocity of N'o Avail, However. "You see there is a lemonade stand near the hotel, and every uC»y I've been gett i iig one or more glasses of lemonade.' Showing That New York Is No Place for Curious Facts A'D■C«» I'iii Confined In A terrible epidemic of yellow fever broke out among the garrison of bOO men, at many as twenty-five and thirty deaths occurring daily. All the doctors and the Sisters of Mercy were carried off by the pestilence, and for three weeks the heroin priest was alone in ministering to the sick. In consequence of his meritorious conduct the abbe was recommended for the Legion of Honor, but his nomination was pr» vented by the events of 1870. While at Guadeloupe he also distinguished himseli by building on the lie des Saintes, assisted only by a few convicts, a chapel surmounted by a lighthouse, which enables vessel* to pass through a dangerous rocky channel in perfect safety. , • A [luiulrrd Years to Come. Where, where will be the birds that sing, There is not an article of the production and manufacture of foreign conntries on whfeh the McKinley tariff would permit Secretary Blaine to remove or reduce the duty in exchange for like favors in treaties of reciprocity. All that lie could do would be to make the idle menace of restoring the duties on coffee, tea, sugar and hides Against such countries as will not grant favors in trade with the United States.—Philadelphia Record. a Mourning Mortal. Ne»v York'* N,.rC il ; lontiary A hundred years to come? TUe flowers that now in tDeauty spring, A hundred years to come? The rosy cheek. The lofty brow. The heart that beats So quickly now? "Wasn't it real lemonade?" A man who was carrying a very much battered white plug hat in his hand, and whose countenance exhibited great iDerturbation, accosted a policeman near the foot of Chambers street yesterday and wanted to know if tiiere was anything on the face of this earth that could be said to be held sacred in New York. There are now confined in Sing prison oVer a thousand (1,380) prisoners, who represent nearly all the nationalities of earth, and whose crimes em brace nearly all named in the calendar of wickedness. Of the con victs 2 are suffering punishment for adver tising counterfeit money, 11 for arson, 87S for burglary, 5 for carrying burglars' tools, 6 for destroying property, 48 for forgery, 440 for grand larceny, 1 for horse stealing and 31 for receiving stolen goods. "The lemonade itseli was all right. I'm not complaining of the quality ol the lemonade, but the way tho fellow who sells it gouged me." "A hammer, if you please, waiter," again rang out the imperious voice. "Wh-what do you want of a hammer?" stammered the waiter addressed, finding his tongue at last. The thought maddened me so that as I pushed iny way through the underbrush ahead of my guest I pulled back a hickory sapling and let it fly back with Buch force as to knock him across the gothic oat farm of General West, of this place. But my guest did not mind it at all, for lie came up later with a glad smile and humming a bit of an old love song. "How did he come to cheat yon?" Where, where will be our hopes and fears, Joy's pleasant smileS,- and Sorrow's tears, A hundred years to come? "Easiest thing in the world. You se* he lias a sign up, 'Lemonade, three0 antl five cents.' That means if he squeezes half a lemon in the glass it is thref cents, and if ho squeezes a whole lemon in it is five cents. I didn't know this, and the man who keeps the lemonade stand, seeing that I was from Texas, asked me eight cents, and when I kicked he pointed to his sign and said, thre« and five are eight cents, and I've beer paying eight cents for a three cent glass of lemonade ever since I've been in New York. I didn't find out my mistake un til today. If I had him out on a Texai prairie I'd make a personal matter of it,' —Texas Siftings. "Lots of 'em," calmly replied the officer. "What's the trouble with you?" "I want it," exclaimed the guest, with grim resolution written in every wrinkle of his rugged face, "to break up this powdered sugar!"—Chicago Tribune. Who'll prC*ss for gold this crowded street, A hundred years to come? Who'll tread yon aisle with willing feet, A hundred years to come? Pale trembling age And fiery youth. And childhood with Its hrow of truth: The rich, the poor, on land and sea— Where will the mighty millions be, A hundred years to come? At 8 a. m. every day Mr. Vanderbilt rings his bell at my door and with a long handled dipper he hands us out our milk, also our nice, new laid hen eggs, fresh from the hand of the artisan, and warm with the atmosphere of the homo nest, and with now and then a dear little white feather still clinging to them. He also fetches us our roasting ears, and when he butchers we get all sorts of novelties from him. No man need ever for a better neighbor than Georg» "Well, I was down here at a pier to see a man. I had seen him and was coming away when a young man steps np to me and says he observes that I am wearing an emblem of sorrow. I replies that I am, and that it is for my uncle who died last week." One hundred and seventy-one crimes were committed against persons and property and 292 against the person alone. Sixty are held for manslaughter, 52 foi murder. 39 for felony, 101 for assault tc harm and 18 for assault to kill. This is a "tip" to foreigners that Secretary Blaine is playing a bluff game in trying to get from them special favors for American merchants. "Do not be alarmed by the McKinley law," The Record says to foreign nations. "Mr. Blaine is only trying to frighten you into giving us advantages over others in your markets in return for those you enjoy in ours. But do not mind him. We will continue to buy all the goods you bring us, and will charge you no duty on them either, no matter how high your tariff on our products may be. The retaliatory provision of tiie McKinley law is a deai letter. So do not let this shrewd Yankee cajole you into making any concessions to our merchants." Brobson—When I can speak well of a man I always do so. A True Friend. The abbe, who has waited so long for th« well merited recognition of his services, has for ten years past occupied the post ol chaplain to the National Lunatic asylum of Charenton.—London Telegraph. That evening he took from his valise a puzzle and gave it to my children. They tried to do it, but could not. We were smoking a couple of store cigars and the butler was burning a rag. Finally the children brought the puzzle to me. It looked simple, and as I am a great hand to work out difficult things, like mathematical sums and social problems, I told my colored amanuensis to keep my cigar going for a few moments and I would show the children how to do it. Craik—Yes? The average term of service is 5 years t months and 25 days, and there are 65 men serving life sentences. Brobson—Now, the other day, Filkitis said you weren't fit to act as pallbearer at a pauper wake, and I told him you were!—Truth. "Then you had a weed on this hat, diu you?' queried the officer. Over 250occupations are represented in tht prison, as follows: Uakers, 22; bartenders, 23; blacksmiths, 14. bookkeepers, 34; brick layers, 1Q, butchers. 20. carpenters, 24; cigai makers, 14. clerks, 42. cooks, 31; drivers, 113. farmers, 19. hostlers, 11; laborers, 222, machinists, 14. peddlers, 35# plumbers, 10, policemen, 10. printers, HI, sailors,23; sales men, 14, shoemakers, 19. stonecutters, 25' tailors, 27; tinsmiths, IS; waiters, M; clcr gymen, 2. Sunday school superintendents, 3. Ten men gave no occupation, 7 registet as thieves, and there are 3 lawyers and t physicians also The following professions have but one each- Railroad president, re porter, editor, hotel keeper, sexton and al derm an. We ail within our graves will sleep, A hundred years to come; No living soul for us wiU weap, A hundred yearn to cqoMi jfc"" And others theft - f/P Our lands wtlfW, And other men Our homes will fill. And other birds will sing as gay. And bright the sun shine as today. A hundred years to come. —Hiram Ladd Spenccr. "I did. I bought it in Paterson. It was the finest weed I could buy for money, and it was only three days old. The young man observes that death was a sorrowful thing, and I agrees with him. Then he tells me that he lias lately lost his dear mother and is feeling all broko np because lie has no money to buy a weed for his hat. It makes him feel heart sick to go around and see other people wearing weeds for their uncle while he can't wear none for tho de mother who placed her hand on his he when she was dying and charged him be good." Washed Ilis Greenbacks. Speaking of money reminds me to ask if you have ever washed any filthy lucre. 1 never heard of such a thing until recently, when I happened to be making a social call at the home of a physician. Pausing a moment at the open door of hfs office, I noticed a row of "greenbacks" hanging on a string stretched from the washstand to the chimney piece. He Was Willing is. He helps me during the hoeing season, and I help him in harvest. We own a thrashing machine together, and in the fall we not only do our own thrashing with it, but can make as high as eighty dollars, we think, by thrashing for the neighbors. "Take heart, my boy," she said, encouragingly. "Take heart, take heart." "Yes, I understand," he whimpered; "but whose?"—Youth's Companion. Tlio Weight of the FIkIi A number of men stood in front of i railroad office in Clark street, looking At an enormous muskallonge, which, stretched on ice, served as an advertisement of the road's fishing grounds. One of the men, glancing at the card which announced the weight of the fish, said with a sneer; The Housewife's I.achrymnse IHtty. Oh, how I hate the busy, buzzing little fly. That doth each shining hour religiously improve;Specking glass and eating sugar, until I Am Just worn out in trying to keep it on the move. My Brother's Keeper. I called him faint of heart, in spirit poor; I said: "O brother, for all such as thee The world Is full of snares and subtlety! Bow little art thou fitted to endure The Ills thy weakness brings! Let my strength be , i OOD HELP I Ifr OU* HOWt- j  "I am just washing -some money," he said. "I do it because I get money from all kinds of people, and it is often so horribly dirty that 1 know it is a breeding place for microbes. I wash every grimy and ragged bill -that comes to me. Give me one of yours and 1 will show you." With some misgivings 1 handed him a dilapidated five dollar bill. We lead a happy life here, as I say, destitute of cark. There has been but one case of cark here since 1 came. One case of cark and one of Milwaukee beer. The day goes blithely by, and at night 1 write for an hour in my diary a lot of moral thoughts, which will be eagerly published after my death. 1 have decided to make no dying s]Deech, for 1 might die at the same time when some other eminent man is doing the same thing, and so what 1 said might not receive that attention which it so justly merited. This is the spirit of the Mugwump's opposition to reciprocity. No one iloubts or attempts to deny that our people would be immensely benefited if only our products received special favors in foreign markets. But the granting of guch favors is what the tariff "reformer" Is determined to forestall if he can. The success of reciprocity means the triumph of Protection in the next election. So the "reformer" does not hesitate to espouse the cause of the foreigner against what he knows and confesses to be the interests of his own country. "Thirty-five pounds! I'll bet twentj dollars it doesn't weigh thirty-four. Anybody want to take me up? Do you?' he added, speaking to a young fellow who came out of the office. Oh, how I hate tho prying little water bug, That laughs at borax, lye and insect powder too; That loves to dally in my husband's shaving mug Until he finds it, when tho air, of coarse, tarns blue. Of nationalities, Austria sends It; I'cr muda, I, Bohemia, 2, Canada, 9; Cuba, 2, Denmark, 1; Hast Indies, 2, England, 37; Finland, 5, France, 6, German*? 1)7; Hoi land, 3. HunRary. 3. Ireland, 111, Italy 86; Mexico. 1, Nova Scotia, 3; Poland, 13t Portugal, 1, Greece, 2; Russia, 10, Scot land, 6, Sweden, 5, Switzerland, 2. Wales, I, West Indies, 1, and Spain, 2. Out of the 1,386 convicts only 375 are for elfin born. Thy constant shield. .My vision swift and sore Shall pierce the darkest depths of every lure "Well, what happe'^d?" "Why, sir, he wa.' to borrow my weed to wear ou his hat to n picnic up the river. I tells him that I can't lend a weed which is mourning for my uncle to go mourning for somebody's mother, and then he asks me to cut it in two and give him half." About our paths. I'd lead thee; lean on meP' Bnt when with subtlest art temptation wove "Round our unwary souls her fairest spell; When lust of power and wealth, and love as well. The physician lathered its face generously with soap, and began a vigorous rubbing. Then rinsing it off in cold water, he squeezed it dry, and, smoothing it out again, hutg it in the bright sunshine. To my surprise, in a few moments it became a clean, crisp and self respecting product of the United States treasury instead of the limp disgrace I had been carrying about. If you don't believe me, try it and see.—Hartford Couraat. "Do I what?" "Want to bet on the weight of this Their keenest shafts against dear Honor drove- Oh, how 1 hate the timid, snuffling little mouse. That makes the loudest racket when 1 want to dose. And seems to be in every corner of the house At once—see, there it Is! Ah-h-h! Let me shake my clothes! fish?" When in her cause I and my brother strov»— Behold! he conquered grandly—but 1 tell1- —Susan M. Spalding. " What's the use of betting on it? The card tells how much it weighs." "I never heard of the like." The most diluted patriotism ought to suggest at least silence on the part of the American citizen while the recv procity negotiations are in progress, even if he believed all The Record says to bo true. To enter tho lists against the representatives of his own country and lo furnish comfort and counsel to the foreign djplomats, with a view to depriving his fellow citizens of any favors other nations may be disposed to grant to them, is little short of treasonable. We know that this course is taken with a desire to help the party of Free-trade by rendering nugatory perhaps the most important features of the McKinley law. But to thus place party above country and to fight the battles of aliens is little calculated to win favor with patriotic citizcns. "Nor I, sir; and 1 plainly tells him so. I advises him that if he can't mourn on his hat to mourn in his heart, which is just as good and much cheaper, but he flies mad. knocks my hat off and deliberately removes the emblem and adonis his old slouch hat with it." Their aires vary from 15 to 70 and the average age is 28. Only 56 of the convicts are over 50 ye.irs of age. One thousand two hundred and eighty one are white, 10c are black, 2 are Indians and 2 are Chinamen; 1,243 had a common school education, 13 an academic. 6 collegiate and only 12C are uneducated. Changes. How I would hate to play against Mr. Blaine, for instance, a man who could easily score a deathbed success at auy time, while 1 am timid and feel almost certain that in any forensic effort of that kind 1 would probably cork myself and say something which I would afterward bitterly regret. What can be more pitiful than a bad break in grammar or the frequent use of tautology in a dying speech? It is for this reason that 1 have decided to keep a diary, to be published when I am gone. It will be a good thing. It will show me in my serious moods and also, here and there, have little trickles of pure merriment in it, a thing 1 could not introduce i.ito a dying speech with credit to myself. 1 will also thus have a chance to rectify the grammars in it and have it punctuated as 1 go along. "Oh, I know what the card tells, but 1 want to get at the real weight of the fish. Bet twenty dollars it don't weigh thirty-four pounds." Whom first we love, you know, we seldom wed. Oh, how I hate the aggravating dust and smut That's sure to settle in the most conspicuous place. And keep me humping till my hands are like my boot. And the map of Africa is smeared across my face. Time rules us all. And life, indeed, is not The thing we planned itout ere hope was dead. And then ..we women cannot choose our lot. ODDS AND ENDS. "All right, I'll go you." The money was put up. The fish weighed forty-five pounds. When the defeated man was g6ne, some one, speaking to the winner, said: "You ran a big risk." Much must bd borne which it is hard to bear: Much given away which it were sweet to koup God help us alll who need, indeed. Ills care; And yet, I know, the Shepherd loves His sheep. London has no car tracks. The south has 350 cotton mills. Chinese immigration is being solicited by Mexico. "And didn't you resist?" Of the l.HW, 1,056 are there for the first time. Seven hundred and sixty six had at tended Sunday school when they were boys, 805 were brought up at home and only 3 among strangers. — New York World. "Yes, sir, but he hauls off and lands on my chin and loosens four of my teeth, and while I am sitting down to recover myself he disappears. Did yon ever hear of the likes, sir?" Ob, bow i bate to wash and scrub and patch and sew, Wbile the very thought of cooking makes me shiver; WORKING THE FIVE RING TCZZLE. Don't waste your time in trying to catch My little boy begius to babble now Upon rpy knee his earliest infant prayer. He has his father's eager eyes, I know; And, they say, too, his mother's sunny hair. It consisted of a circular box with a glass cover, and inside were five brass pins with five little brass rings lying on the bottouiof the box. All there is to do, as I may say, is to flip this little box 60 as to hang the five rings on the five pins. "Not much. You see there are a number of fellows who go around disputing the weight of 'railroad fiah,' and are eternally wanting to bet that they will not weigh as much as the card states, and they don't, as a rule, but 1 fixed this one. The original card gave the weight at fifty pounds, but expecting a sharper along, 1 changed it."—Ar- Arkansaw Traveler. two inch fish with a ten foot pole. I'm broken up. run down, pegged oat, and feel as though I ought to wear a porous plaster on my liver! —St. George Best In Chicago Mail. The United States collects SG39 and spends , S461 every minute of the night and day. ' 'Never. You'd better go to the station house and make complaint." An Eccentric Man'* Funeral. The quickest and best way to freshen salt "I will, sir. I think it is my duty to. If Buch things are allowed no one can be safe in New York. I've got an aunt who is expected to turn up her toes any day, and if a man can't be protected in wearing an emblem for his uncle, what's he going to do in case of his aunt?"— M. Quad i» New York Evening World. Uncle Jared Wharton, an eccentric charactef of Forks township, died at the age ol ninet' -one years. He hated music, and ht staid in church only while the sermon was beiim preached, because, he said, the singing irritated him. Several years ago the congregation lD»ught an organ, and after that he never entered the church. The old man had been toothless for forty o ld years, and whenever his friends urged him to buy some artificial teeth for himself In' declared that the Lord would cause natural teeth to grow in his mouth before he died. fish is said to be by soaking in sour milk. But when he sleeps and smiles upon my knee, And 1 can feel his light breath come and go, I think of one—Heaven help and pity me— Who loved me, and whom I loved, long ago. Left Oat In tlie Cold. Teacher—How is it yon are so late. Muller? The shrinkage in the production of pig iron during the last year has been the greatest ever knowu. That was a week ago. 1 have not done it yet Neither have I done anything else. The children's voices are no longer heard as they romp and play. Each one is trying to do this fool puzzle. That is not all. I am away behind on my autographs. Hundreds of such letters remain unanswered, aside from those answered by my colored man, Mr. De Fuyster Smathers. Eight letters askir~ mo to write what I know on a patchwork block of silk for a raffle remain on my desk, and the day of the raffle is almost here. Muller—Our clock keeps bad time. T.—And you, Meier? Meier—I couldn't find my books. T.—And yon, Lehmann? Lehmann—My nose began to bleed, T.—And you, Schulze? Schulze bursts into tears. In Lancaster, Pa»f tfrere is on exhibition a perfectly white cattish nine inches long and weighing over a pound. Who might have been—ah, what I dare not thinkl- We all are changed. God judges for us best. God help us do our duty, and not shrink, And trust in heaven humbly for the rest. As 1 say, we move along quietly here from day to day, with little to escite or cverstiinulate the brain. Last Saturday a man with a dreamy look in his pale blue eyes came here and sat down on my porch to look at my view. 1 have a good view here, and keep my horses in a deserted sawmill. He sat there with his hat off, drinking in the view and fanning his high, smooth brow with his hat. At first I took him to be my doppelgavger. He had the same Ben Davis style of Adam's apple, and his high forward in- As to the macaroni industry, since the passage of the McKinley bill, it may be said that the number of factories now in operation are seventy-five. In August, 1890, there were sixty, and several large factories have recently been built, notably one in Minneapolis, one in Buffalo, and several in New York city. The output in all the factories has increased, and they are working f ull time. Several have ad ded new presses and other machinery to their new plant, increasing their production. The factories will average twelve barrels of flour daily, making macaroni, vermicelli and fancy or cut paste. Seventyfive factories using twelve barrels o. flour per day consume in one year 270,- 000 barrels, producing 54,000,000 pounda of manufactured goods. The importation last year was over 10,000,000 pounds, tho greater part of which was of low grade. Now it is less than half what it was, and all of the best quality. The New Tariff ami Macaroni, An Anticlimax. Among the 60,000,000 of America there are more divorces than among the 350,000,- 000 of other Christian nations. But blame as women not, if some appear Too cold at times; and some too gay and light. Some griefs gnaw deep. Some woes are hard to bear. Who knows the past? and who can Jndge us right? At a meeting of the Woman's Press club, in Washington last winter, a very important topic came np for discussion. Every member was interested in it When Miss Helen Waterson rose, silence and expectation settled upon the assembly. She put the whole matter right ia a few clear, crisp, logical remarks. Aa Miss Waterson took her seat again there came a still, small voice from the admiring group behind her. It was intended for a whisper, but it penetrated every nook and corner of the room. It said: "Helen, who made that dress you have on?"—San Francisco Argonaut. Involuntary flattery is sweet to the soul, but its opposite, the obtuseness which fails to recognize our good points, is hard indeed to bear. A lady whose portrait was on exhibition in a certain gallery had her own attention called to it by the owner of the place. "B  has put some of his best work into this, madam," said he. "Everybody acknowledges it to be a fine portrait," U n rccognized. No sagacious wise man will quarrel with his own opportunities by lamenting thC abundance of fools in the world. T.—Well, what are you crying for? In the summer time Uncle Jared went about his place barefooted. When it rained he visited the neighbors, and as he plodded along the muddy road from house to house, he bad his trousers rolled to his knees and an old cotton umbrella over his head. He seldom wore a hat in hot weather, and his white hair was strong and thick when he died. Many years ago the old man made n coffin for himself out of 2-inch white oak planks. The handles were made of horseshoes that had been worn by a mare ol which he was very fond. The gentle beast was killed by a stroke of lightning, and the old man buried her under a tree where she had fallen. He desired to have het shoes buried with him, and so he nailed them to his heavy collin. Schulze—Please, sir, the others have gone and told everything, and I con't know any more.—Wiener Luft. The pippul tree of the Hindoos is held in such veneration that it is considered a crime to cut off one of the branches. Ah, were we judged by what we might have been. And not by what we are, too apt to falll My little child—ho sleeps and smiles between These thoughts and me. In heaven we shall know alll It Must De The dry seeds of the sacred lotus CNelumbium speciosum), also known as the Pythagorean bean, are often strung as beads. f ?) ' —Owen Meredith. I am all broken up by this man, and I haven't written anything in my diary for ten da} a. Possibly 1 may never write in it again. When I try to think now my mind creaks. My mirror shows me great dark circleb under my eyes. It is said that escaping illifminatlng gaa is destroying many of the beautiful old elms which are the pride of Xew Haven. Juvenile Astronomy. I showed Orion's starry frame; "Does it remind you of any one?" asked she, looking him full in the face. The childish eyes grew big with wonder I told him how the hnnter came "Why, no! I don't know the original; but she must certainly be a very beautiful woman." A meteorological station is to M established at Tiberia, Palestine, a place 682 feet below the Ieyel of the Mediterranean sea; To glitter In the heavens yonder, And bow for ages he has stood If this man comes again, I am prepared for him. 1 know a bank whereon the mushroom (?) grows, the little I ? * H mushroom. The Weeping Willow mushroom, the kind that creates a panic southwest of the liver and west of the watch pocket. Ho Was raddled Juit the Same. There are in Xew York city 150,000 girls who wear the order of the King's Daagh ters and try to "do the duty which is nearest."Mad Taurus' furious horns assailing. With lion skin and club of wood "I say, mamma," responded the hopeful heir of the ranch, "am I your canoe?" "Then you never 6aw her?" And I pointed oat, beneath bis feet. The Hare, Us master's combat viewing: And then the dog star, eager, fleet, all (uumUltoCi "No, child; why do you ask such a foolish question?" "Never! Why," as some meaning in her tone and merry face broke upon him, "it isn't von!" A few moii!.lis ;il;o Mr. Wharton liueo his cofiiu with fox skins, th« sly animals from which they came having been shot by himself, lie often expressed « wish that a bearskin robe belonging to him should be placed under his head iu the rough oak box, and that his own sons should act as bearers. Some of the old man's relatives advised the sons to get n decent coffin, but their advice was not taken. Every wish of the aged dead man was carried out to the letter, and on a beautiful afternoon last week the eccentric nonogenarian was laid to rest in his oaken casket.—Scranton Republican. The Duchess of Fife has had no less than nine cradles presented to her little daughter. Verily, to him that hath shall ba "Oh, because you alwaj-a say yon like to 6ee people paddle their own canoe, and I didn't know but maybe I was yours."—Texas Siftings. The beautiful Mrs. Norton one day went to buy some plaster casts for hei niece to use as models in drawing. The proprietor of the shop displayed a large collection of hands, arms and ears, and finally held up a very symmetrical nose. Bright Slriun, the whole group panning. Z paused. The darling clapped his hands And stamped his little foot imperious. Then, looking toward the starry bands. He shouted loudly, "Sic 'em, Siriue!" —Anna J. McKeag. I have also selected a plot in the primeval forest where he can be at rest. A place where the trailing arbntns and the woodtick may wander o'er his cute little tomb. The price to the consumer has not advanced with the placing on of the duty nor is it likely to be. The competition among our own manufacturers serves tc keep the price about normal, only varying when there is a large advance or fait in the price of flour. given. ramons Tor an Ilour. How the Trouble Began. "Can 1 read your paper?" asked the man in the rear seat. It is not often that a nonentity is "mistaken for a notability for several days. Yet that is what happened quite recently at a small watering place in upper Austria. All of a sudden the town was convulsed with the delightful intelligence that Girardi, the famous Viennese comedian, was in its midst. A charity concert was in process of organization, and forthwith a deputation waited on J he great man to solicit his assistance. 11 was graciously aocorded and the deputies withdrew in high feather, one of them remarking how strange it was that an actor should have so fine a beard. "Thero, ma'am," said he, "I can safely recommend that. It's the Honorable Mrs. Norton's nose, and hartista do buy a lot of 'em. It's very popular." In a Theater. capua, 78 a a "I don't know whether you can or not," replied the Boston man ahead of him, "but you may try if you choose," and it took the brakeman, the news agent, and the conductor to separate them.—Toledo Blade "Well, Nettie, are you a good little girl?" We were friends and comrades loyal though I The approximate consumption of macaroni in this country is from 50,000,000 to 60,000,000 pounds yearly, and the demand steadily increasing, and for its manufacture it will require 300,000 barrels of flour. was of alien race. And he a free born Samnite that followed the man from Thrace, The 6ame failure to grasp the situation took place at the meeting of two young women, at the "reunion" of a prominent New England family. Fifth cousins and relathts by name rather than blood were talking together, sometimes not knowing in the least "who was who," and these two women especially had discovered that they had many tastes in common, though as yet neithei had found for the other "a local habitation and a name." "Oh, yes, sir; I must be. Father says I'm a holy terror."—Life. And there, in the midapcna, he and I stood face to face. Might Have Keen Worse. He Wasn't Missed. Fair Weather Wlvesi I was a branded swordsman, and he was sappie and strong. They saved as alive from the battle, to do oa this cruelest wrong, That each should slay the other there before the staring throng. The Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV, was a young woman of great spirit and originality. One day she took a fancy to make her will, and in it bequeathed all her property to one of her teachers. He was imprudent enough to keep the document, and was, in consequence, dismissed as soon as it was discovered.He (returning from a long journc; )— And pray, how did yon frel during my absence? You must have missed me very much I know a wife who is waiting, safe and sound in her father's home, for her young husband to earn the money single handed to make a home worthy of her acceptance. She makes me think of the first mate of a ship who should stay on shore until thC captain tested the ability of his vessel tc weather the storm. Back to your ship, you cowardly onel If the boat goesi down, gc down with it, but do not count yourself worthy of any fair weather you did not help to gainl The Difference. gome Protection Wa^es. Miss Post—1 suppose you find our society very different from that in the west? Morehead, Brother & Co.,of Allegheny, Pa., in a circular to their employees, give the following table of wages paid in theii mills: She—Oh, no! Every night I took some of your old clothes and scattered them about the floor, then I burnt a few cheap cigars in your study, mud out of the street all over the stairs, walked up and down the room uttering bad language—then it felt just as if my sweet, darling husband were at home.— Abendpost. OBORQE CAME EVEBY DAT. dicated that he was jast as brainy as he could be. Mr. Rancher—I have noticed one difference. Out there we shoot our enemies, and here you cut your acquaintances.—Truth."Why, don't you know," replied an omniscient colleague, "that actors always let their beards grow in the holidays?" On the eventful night the concert room was packed to suffocation, and a vigorous round of applause greeted the appearance of the famous actor. Instead of the excrutiatingly funny song expected by the public, Herr Girardi began a sentimental ditty in a very hoarse tone of voice. This rathei astonished the audience at first, but they rapidly came to the conclusion that it must be a first=rate imitation of some opera singer. The object of the mimicry they did not know, but they roared with laughter all the same. Faces—facea—and faces! how It made my brain to spin! Beautiful faces of women, and tiger souls therein! And merry voices of girls that laughed, debating ot who should win. For a time I let him sit there. Then 1 stepped out and passed the time of day with him. He answered rather in a brief and abstracted way, but finallv asked my name. 1 told him what it wai and he took my hand. He 6aid he had been frequently taken for me. 1 was glad of it. 1 did not care if he had been taken for me, only why did those authorities who took him for me let him go again? RELATIVE WAGES PAID PER DAV I.N Ol'it VARIOUS MILIJ). First First Second rougher, catcher, catchcr. $8 83 ?7 (0 $.5 5] 3 78 4 73 8 It 4 23 !i 27 3 51 4 01 4 01 2 CI 2 51 1 CJ5 The gentleman who then undertook his duties did so with great zeal, and had reason to find one, at least, of his corrections productive of good. "I want chiefly to see Charlie Pennell'd wife," said one. "When they were married he wrote my brother that she was a beauty, and had a mouth like Cupid's bow. Now, I never met precisely that sort of mouth, and I've been on the lookout for it all day." Roller. Plate mill 88 Nail mill.. 7 73 Bar mill.. 7 6U Guide mill 10 88 Mack mill 4 39 Puddler .. 8 63 Helper.... 8 80 Second Over us, burning and cloudless, dazzled the blue sky's dome; Far away to the eastward the whitesnowpeaks of his home; And in front the Prefect, purple clad, in tho deadly might of Rome. An Equine Divisor. A woman who will do all she can to win a man's love merely for the profit his purse is going to be to her, and will desert him when the cash runs low, is a bad woman and carries a bad heart in her bosom. Why, you are really never wedded until you have dark days together. What earthly purpose would a cable serve that never was tested by a weight? Of what use in the tie that binds wedded hearts together if, like a filament of (loss, it parts when the strain is brought t:D bear upon it? Mr. Cornhnsk (the countr" boardir He chanced to enter the room when the princess was reviling one of her attendant ladies, in great wrath, and after giving her a lecture on hasty speech, he presented her with a book on the subject.Incident* All Right. Publisher—What is this you have? "A Western Romance?" The market is overstocked with this sort of stuff. Have you worked in any new and striking incidents?And so In the midareno. we stood there face to face. And he looked ma right in the eyes and said. "1 ask theo one last grace— Slay me, for thee 1 cannot." Theo I held his hand a space. "My dear," said the other merrily, but with a little sadness in her eyes, "I am Charlie's wife. That Cupid's bow is now before you, but I suppose it has been twanged so many times in saying 'don't' to the children, and complaining about the cook and the housemaid that it has grown as straight as the line of duty."— Youth's Companion. rougher. 6 21 Finally he said he knew some of my folks. I said that might be. My folks never did seem to learn anything by experience. Some of them, I said, were so kind hearted that they couldn't be unkind even to a bunko man. He laughed a sad laugh, like one who breakfasts with the president of the United States on the 1st day of April and cuts into a Canton flannel cake. DAILY WAGES PAID PLATE MILL CHEW. Roller $34 88 Screwmau $5 5) Shearman 10 35 Buggyman 4 1; First rougher.... 8 83 Scrap boy 3 1* Second rougher.. 6 21 Heater's helper.. 2 8C First catcher 7 03 Puddler 3 Second catcher... 5 51 Helper 2 5C Hoister 5 51 Girardi was encored and sang a romantio Italian aria, and once more the audience were convulsed at the subtlety of the imitation. Next morning it happened that the official visitors' list was pnblished, from a perusal of which it appeared that, barring a certain Samuel Giradi described as "merchant," nobody of that name was stopping in the town. The actor's name being Alexander, the extent of the blundet was soon apparent.—London Globe. A few days later he found her still more furious and using language even more violent. Author—Well, rather. I bury the heroine in a state of coma, and when she comes to life I have her disinterred by a cyclone that kills the villain and makes things end happily.—New York Sun. But knew not what 1 answered: the heavens round and wide Barged up and down—a flash of steel —my ■word was through his side. And I was down upon my knees, and held him as he died. "1 am sorry to find your royal highness in such a passion," 6aid he. "Your royal highness has not read the book I gave yon.'" It is not when you are young, my dear, when the skies are blue and every wayside weed flaunts a summer blossom, that the story of your life is recorded. It is w"hen "Darby and Joan" are faded and wasted and old. When poverty has nipped the roses, when trouble and want and care have flown like uncanny birds over their heads (but never yet nested in their hearts, thank God!)vthat the completed chronicle of their lives furnishes the record over which approving heaven smiles and weeps. —Chicago Herald The plate mill roller alone was paid last year $10,294.22. Think of it! Am' as The American Manufacturer shows ii an editorial on the subject, it was b| means of improvements in furnaces machinery and methods that he was en abled to make such wages; and yet wa are told that improvements in machinerj deprive the workmen of work and wages. We should like to see a similat table from some English mill. It is evi dent that the mill owners do not mak« all the money that is made in the iroi business. (I J  aonse keeper)—The doctor lives in Plnnkville, ten miles from here. Yes; this is the only horse I have, aud there ain't a saddle abont the place. "1 did, my lord," cried she tempestuously. "I both read it and profited by it. Otherwise I should have scratched her eyes out!''—Youth's Companion. 1)111 Daly's Tough Leg. They tell this story of Bill Daly, th« veteran turfman: A Fascinating Creature. His blood was warm on my fingers, his eyes were scarcely still. When they tore him from me, and the blado that else had healed all ill. And it is one mora day I am theirs, to work their will. Young Barrister—I have got to pay a visit to the wife of Judge S ; can yon tell me what sort of a person she is? But at last he interested me in himself. He was here for his health, he said. He had air cells in his laugs, I think, or something of that kind. He also had » letter from my brother. It was a letter of introduction froin my brother. As I read it 1 could almost se« how he suffered as he wrote it. Probably this man had supported him when he ran for office last fall, and now he had paid the debt by giving him a letter of introduction to me. "Old Bill was training a horse for an underdone anglomaniac, and as the horse had bad legs it was necessary to keep him standing in a tub of hot water for aq hour in the morning to get the inflammation out. The dude came along one day just as Daly had put the horse's forward legs in the hot water, and, pulling off his gloves, he stuck his fingers into the water and pulled them out blistered. • 'Mr. Daly! Mr. Daly!' he yelled, •you will scald this horse to death! It's cruelty—gross cruelty to animals to subject a horse to such torture, and I want you to understand, Mr. Daly, that I think you are just horrid to do such a thing.* Attorney—Ah! A most amiable lady, of such engaging manners, in fact, that when you have chatted with her for half an hour you will be so bewitched that you will there and then propose for one of her daughters.—Humoristische Blatter.Members of Parliament Who Write. The practice of combining the functions a journalist and legislator has largely increased during the last few years. At one time the Nationalist members had a monopoly of tj|£ Loudon letters written from the floor of the house, but now all this is changed. Mr. Courtney was until a few years afco a leader writer for The Times, and Mr. Justin McCarthy still contributes to tae editorial columns of The Daily News, while Mr. Maclean, Mr. Leng and Dr. Cameron direct the policy of their respective papers—The Western Mail, the Dundee Advertiser and The North British Daily Mail—from t' j library of St. Stephen's.No matter! the sand, and the sun. and the faces hateful to sec. They will bo nothing—nothing! butt wonder who may be Fha other man I have to fight—the man that shall kill me! Had the Refusal. A Wonderful Voice* Th* worthy clerk of a country church which the writer once frequently attended was the happy possessor of a tremendous bass voice—not Musical. His resonant "Amenl" made the windows rattle—so the folks said. Certainly it awed every playfully inclined youngster into rigid attention. The distance the villagers said it could be heard, if "writ" down, would provoke derision. In course of time the vicar died, and a stranger took his place—a nervous gentleman. —Alice Werner Visible Evidence. Clara (at the seaside)—You don't seem to be making much progress with the Boston fellow. BILL NYE'S HOME LIFE. Why I Am a Protectioniftt, Taking him by the hand, 1 said: "Sir. you are my guest A letter from my brother will be honored at all times, never mind what 1 happen to bo doing at the thne. The letter seems to be genuine, and my brother has failed to put in the cipher which means to 'do you up.' So I judge that he means for me to throw myself. Yon are now my gnest. Come with me and I will show you where they are go;-.,, build tho First—Because the civilized world sub etantially protects itself, thus forcing ui to protect ourselves. Maude—Why, wbat makes you think so? VANDERBILT AND HE HAVE A HAP- Second—Because all the conditions oi men and womeu in this country are better than in other countries, and Protection is needed to preserve our liappiei conditions. Clara—You have been with him three evenings now, and the creases in his trousers still extend above the knee.— Clothier and Furnisher. PY, HAPPY TIME. .t t.l Ef O) D.'/;/ !D/£. Mr. T. P. O'Connor continues his lettei for. New York paper, and, in addition, turns out a good deal of "copy" every week for The Sunday Sun; Mr. T. \V. Russell is a regular contributor to The Manchester Examiner; Mr. Seiton and Mr. Healy give " Cralg-y-Xoa Enlivened by a Quoit Who "Bill Daly sized him up very slowly and said: 'Young man, you are full of prunes. That water is not too hot. I'll bet you ten dollars that I can hold my foot in it for five minutes without a murmur.' When that tremendous "Ah-h-h-men!" reverberated down the aisle he shivered and shrank as if a blow had been struck him. Unable to suffer in silence, he one day remonstrated with the too audible clerk. Said he: ".\lr. G , I should be glad if you would speak the responses in a more gentle voice. Your 'Amen' particularly give3 me a shock." Is Death on JInMiroom*. and Itrlngi* a Nice Little Ptizzlo A Ions with Him. Third—Because I want labor to gel the best possible wages for its efforts. Standard oi Measurement. A—How is our old friend Emil getting on? What the I'urzle Did Fourth—Because I want agriculture tC find a near, sure and rich market. frequent literary assistance to The National Press; and so on. Mr. Broadhurst conveys any items of intelligence that come in his way to the Londo£ correspondent of a Scotch paper, and 1 can trace the style of a tolerably well known member of parliament in the effusions of "The Member for "Wrottenborongh" in The Sunday Times. 10n»ltgfai. ISOI. by Ktlw \V. Ny«\| B,UiC new I o-s Craig-y-Nus creek." m. B—Very badly; the poor fellow has a lot to put up with; besides, he has got bo thin! I am pretty lean myself, and you are not exactly stout, but Emil is thinner than both of us put together!— Humoristische Blatter. CSAIO-V-K N C He I** s*' au«l we went away together. As we 1 tlie store 1 invited him in and we got some seegars. At our atore here we have a nice, smooth aeegar, with manilla wrapper, which ia a free smoker, and if kept well tipped up so that the filler will not sift ont affords much pleasure to the user. We lighted these aeegars, which are called the Belle of Tailholt, Indiana, and as we puffed them along the road we seemed somehow to warm toward each other, and 1 told him that I knew where we could get some calamus root if he liked it and some mushrooms—at least they looked like mushrooms. He said he was passionately fond of calamus root but still more ■o of mushrooms. So we gathered some of each and had the latter for dinner. dat hoiue?' "Say, Sam. did you scu do man about Fifth—Because I want to keep the cap ital and Labor of this country all actively employed, each helping the other.—Con gressman D. B. Henderson in Americai Economist. "The dude skinned a twenty off his roll and laid it down on the straw, and Bill Daly put a double eagle on it to hold it down and stuck his artificial leg in the tub. At the end of five minutes the young man walked away disgusted, and as Daly folded up the bill and returned the double eagle to its place in the purse a little colored boy who had been on the verge of an explosion while the bet was being decided said, 'For de Lord's sake, Mas' Daly, why didn't you bet him more than twenty dollars when you knowed you had a dead sure thing?" Up to last Saturday our lives here had been almost uneventful. I rose each morning, Curoled a glad pean, ate a little breast of kippered herring, and finishing off with some of our delightful climate, would go gladly about my work on my autobiography. "Oh, yes, I seed him, and he gib me de refusal ob de house." "How long did he gib you de refusal ob hit?" "A—a—shock, sirl" stammered the astonished offeuder, in a voice that appeared to proceed from his boots. "Why—why— I've been parish clerk here for thirty years and—and"— He could not finish the sentence. The idea that his "grand amen"' should be shocking to anybody prevented utterance. Among others who write for the press are Mr. Crilly, Mr. Klynn, Mr. Gill and Mr. J. H. McCarthy. When Mr. R R. Russell was in the house he wrote it polit ical sketch every night for the Liverpool Post, and a Liberal, bearing an honored name, is said to continue the practice he fell into when a memljer of sending paragraphs to a Manchester paper.—Birmingham Post. "Foreber. He refused to hab anything to do wid me."—Texas Siftings. An Inducement. "And what, darling," she asked when they had started off for the honeymoon, "so seemed to trouble you as we knelt before the altar?" A Fervent Wish. At 9 o'clock Mr. Vanderbilt comes with the milk and vegetables fresh from his farm. He is getting a fine start, and the most of his products command a ready sale. I buy everything I can of him. He has a fine brickyard also, which is more than self supporting. He built it for the manufacture of his own bricks with which to build his new house near mine, but the bricks were so evidently superior to those made heretofore in this country that he was importuned to supply a number of builders and contractors at good pricee. "Are you so attached to that unmusical bull's organ of yours that you are unwilling to moderate its roar?" the vicar asked. The Haughty Miss McBride—Alas! I fear I shall develop into a confirmed invalid—why, Mr. Basker, where are you going? Smiley Scores ■ Point. "I was wishing for heaven's sake that the people couldn't see the holes in the soles of my boots."—Fliegende Blatter. "That's it, sir," was the deep reply. "I couldn't do it. Gives you a shock? 1 think it's something to be proud of. The old vicar was very proud of It." In brief, the worthy fellow offered to surrender his office. So long as he occupied the lowest seat in the "three decker" ho must be allowed to roar. The vicar gave in, for his parishioners were almost as proud of the clerk's "Amen!" as that worthy himself.— Louden Tit-Bits. " ' 'Twan't no dead cinch,' said Bill Daly, 'and twenty is all I'll bet on my memory. It's gettin so uncertain of late years. S'posin I'd forgotten and stuck the wronfe leg in the tub?'"—St. Paul Globe. Extracting lCy Electricity. Smiley Basker (grabbing his hat)—I'm going to study medicine.—Epoch. Invitation Accepted. Years ago electricity was used extensi vely when teeth were extracted to lessen the pain. The patient held one pole in his bauds, and the other one was connected with the handles of the forceps. When the operator clasped the forceps on the tooth, the circuit was completed, and the patient received a severe shock just at the moment when the operator pulled the tooth. But the question was whether the shock was not worse than tl-e pain.—Interview in Philadelphia Record. Mr. Saphead—I've got a fad, too, don't ye know. I collect old and rare violins. Come around and see 'em. Musician—Do you blay? Mr. Saphead—Bless you, no, not a note. Musician (enthusiastically) — I vill come.—New York Weekly. In Till* Age of Progress. "There doesn't appear to be much ol the milk of human kindness these days," sighed Buffer. None of the rest of the family would eat any of these mushrooms, for I never gathered any before, and to be a good mushroom gatherer one should have killed off a camping party or two for the experience. But my guest ate heartily of them. He ate them all. My wife winked hopefully at me as my doppelganger ate the last one and carelessly ran a slice of bread around over the platter and breathed a long, delicious sigh. "Oh, I guess there's a good deal left," retorted Waggles, "only it's condensed." "Harper's Bazar. Schlemksy—Mister, der doctors say 1 can't live more den three months. Don't you want ter discount my life insurance: —Frank Leslie's Illustrated. That Kissing Game. Chappie—I saw your daughter an hour ago playing one of those kissing games. A Hrave Priest. His nursery, between Biltmore and Asheville, on the Richmond and Danville road, is also, like my own nursery, a howling success. He grows almost overything known to the botanist and pomologist. The Baron De Lange has charge of the agricultural department, and on a bright morning it is a gladsome Bight to see Mr. Vanderbilt and the baron weeding onions or tarring the noses of their sheep. Mrs. De Hash—Sakes alive! was it? What Not an Alumnus. L'Abbe Mouly, the only priest who received the decoration of the Legiou oj Honor on the occasion of July 14, will certainly not be grudged the distinction con I xhe small itoy'» Elysium. ferred upon him even by the most hard 1 m „ .. , r , r .I . . . i Mly little man, come tell to me, ened enemy of the church. He is, tn fact, f you by Bome nlapjc be one of those heroic, self sacrificing work ' To tho unknown fairyland transplanted, era who in every nation aud every climt-i NVhero boys may have their wishes granted, earn the unbounded admiration and re- DYhat would your wishes be?" spect of their fellow creatures. L'Abtw , 'I'd wish"—he sldewise cocked his head, Mouly, who is now in bis fifty-fourth year, Pondered, and paused, and then he said: served for a long period as military chap j d wish I had two Urol herslain in various French Th# One great big one and one I could lick; lain in \anous trench possessions. I bt | That nothin' never'd make me sick, worthy priest Wfis acting in this capacity |nd eight or nine grandmothers." at Guadeloupe during the Mexican cam -Indianapolis Journal. paign, and all the French transports . - Summer Belle—That Mr. Spry out there in that rowboat is one of the most learned men I ever met. I wonder what college he graduated from. Minister—Tommy, if a bad boy should dare you to, would you knock the chip off his shoulder? A Better Plan. Swindling a Texan. Chappie—Billiard*, I believe.—New York Herald. Major Sumpter McBride is a Texas gentleman, who has been spending the summer in New York. A few days age he went to the landlord of his hotel in s state of great excitement. He said: The Advent of a Reformer. "Waiter, will you please bring me a hammer?" College Graduate (contemptuously)— Huh! He's no college man. Look at his stroke.—Good News. Tommy—Nop; I'd knock the head offen his shoulder.—Kate Field's Washington.—Smith, Gray & Co.'s Monthly. A Slip oi tiio Tongue. The loud, imperious voice rang sharply through the gilded dining hall. A hundred pairs of eyes looked up in astonishment. The rattle of knives, forks and spoons ceased. The hum of conversation died away. Even the appetizing odors that hung over the luxurious tables After dinner I said, "Come on; we will go up on the top of Mount Busbee. From there we can see almost to Asheville." Really, my object was to get him off the place before he died. I hate to have a guest die in the house, and if "The rascality that goes on in a big city like New York is just incredible, and the way strangers are taken in iC perfectly scandalous. I've been here three weeks, and without knowing it) have been swindled every dav." Lady (unmarried)—I suppose you will hardly remember that we went to school together? Very Suggestive. Very Popular. "I think it would be a very good idea for our excursion barges to have a motto," said one of the owners. Mr. Vanderbilt showed me yesterday a picture frame which he has designed, and which will be used for a large photo- Totling—You wouldn't class the hen among song birds, would you? Dimling—Why not? We are all fond of her lav.—Truth. Gentleman—Oh, certainly 1 do! We have grown old since then—beg pardon— ftt least, I have.—Humoristische Blattei. "How would 'Prepare to Meet Thy God' do?"—New York Sun.