Pittston Gazette

              ?J^VL\**Zaa?' \ Oldest rewsoaner in the VVvoming Valiev PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1891. A Weekly Local and Family Journal. I" " A Love Song. Dack to ray llat, l ton ml "copy or a little parallel column sen doff, which 1 was just about to print on Mr. Meltz when the foreman took charge. This is it: WANTED AN EMBLEM THREE KISSES. Sweetheart, there tit no splendor ROLLO IN NEW YORK. A LAME ILLUSTRATION TWO MILLS A M!NUTE, ARTIFICIAL FISHES. WRESTLING WITH A BED. In all God's splendid skies Bright as the love-light tender That dwells in your dear eyes. It Was Some Time Coming, but He Got Tt at Last. He Didn't Gft the Last One, but Had to He Sees the Sights with Uncle Georgt His Story Was Alt Itlglit, but It Had « Great Things Claimed by Its Inrentaf "I see you make emblems here," he observed as he entered a store on Grand street, where a gilded beehive was displayed in the window. Margot was a rather good looking waitress in the little inn where Skulkorn was passing the summer. Many a jest had passed between them, and a hundred nonsensical wagers made that eventuated in nothing. 1'xy for It and Writes Home. IKIII landing for a Olio Wheel Cycle. Corlou* Realistic Wa-.U of the United States Fisii Coiutitissiiin, Experiences of One Man V.falle Transferring the Article of Furniture. "I moved my folding bed up stairs last week—all the week," lie said. "I have had that bed for a year, ami I must say that during that time its conduct has been such as to allay the suspicion with which I regarded it. I had come to repose a good deal of confidence in it. "The landlady';; husband suggested that we'd better take it apart. He said he knew how—it was very e;isy. So we agreed that after dinner we'd take it- apart. After dinner ho stepped out for a few minutes. While he was gone Podley came in. Podley means well, and he's my friend, but I will say that Podley's got no more headjoi measurements than a horse. » Sweetheart, there are no blissea Like those thy lips distill; Of all the world's Bweet kisses Thy kiss Is sweetest stilll To the Editor of This Paper: To Mr. Corundum J, Meltz: The morning after their arrival in New York Jonas and Rollo were sitting to gether in the sunny front room in the hotel, when Rollo suddenly remembered that he had a letter to write to his fatliei that day, so he opened his trunk anc took out his little jDortfolio, a fresh quire of note paper, a pen and bottle of inlt and some envelopes, and placed them all on the table. They were standing CDn the corner en gaged in conversation. A one wheel cycle, eight feet high, that a greenhorn can learn to ride in a minute and then write his name in the dust with it iu fifteen feet of space, not to mention a speed capacity of two miles in sixty seconds on a good track, is the astonishing Invention which Victor iieranger, of Wor cester, editor of Le Courrier do Worcester, claims to have produced after two years of hard work. A very wonderful collection of animals that live in the water is at preseut being manufactured by the United States llsh commission for exhibition at the World's fair in Chicago. Sonftwhat less than 500 specimens will illustrate the food and other economic fishes and reptiles of this country, each one representing a species. Two experts, said to be the most skillful men living in this line of work, are engaged In turningout counterfeit representations of things scaly and finny in the utmost imaginable variety. "No," said th.' fist man, "I will admit that I can't solve the mysteries of the bureau drawers. When 1 want anything in the shape of collar . cuffs or handkerchiefs 1 always allow my wife to gC?| them for me." Sir—My attention has been called to a most unwarranted and Indecent attack made upon me by your paper in its livst issue regarding the ice cream which was had on my lawn for the children of |Door property holders and voters of this place on the 19th inst. Sitt—Your note is printed adjacent to these words of cheer, which will show bow it was that wo spoke of your ice crcaia scuffle in a free and untrammeled style. "Yes, sir." Sweetheart, no white dove dying Had e'er as soft a breast As this sweat hand that's lying Clasped In my own -at rest. "I've been thinking for some time that I'd like an emblem. I think everybody ought to have one. I believe a man can do four times as much with an emblem as without one." On this occasion, however, there were a lot of his old cronies present dining with him, and in a spirit of fun he said: Sweetheart, there Is no glory That clusters round my lifo Bright as this bright, sweet story. "My sweetheart and my wife!" -Frank L. Stanton. "Well, I don't," put in the thin man "I always go up stairs and get what ) want myself, thus saving my wife £ great deal of bother." The first of our article, Mr. Meltz, you will notice, appears almost verbatim as you wrote it, but before going to press oUr reporter, who went down to do your debauch, suffered so keenly from the effects of your condensed milk and cornstarch, together with the lining of the freezer which he had scraped off in order to allay the pangs of hunger, that ho added a few lines regarding yourstyleof three sheet generosity. "Yes, sir." "Margot, if you let yourself be kissed three times I'll give you a thousand francs." He says his brother in Montreal rode the phenomenon seveuty three miles in one hour on tin ordinary highway, and that was at the rate of much more than a mils a minute. Mr. Heranger on a wager of $100, will leave Worcester some day in the presence of a number of witnesses, so he says, at the same time the new "Chicago flyer" leaves for Boston, and he promises to arrive at the Hub at least fifteen minutes before the express train reaches there, notwithstanding that he will have to travel sixty-six miles by highway as against forty-four by rail. "An emblem is like a motto, you know," continued the caller. "My motto has always been 'Excelsior.' If I hadn't adopted it 1 don't know what would have become of me. It has sustained me through many trials and tribulations.""What are you going to do now, Rollo?" asked Jonas. When respectable and law abiding people are attacked in this way it is time to call a halt. Nov, as Skulkorn was old enough to be her grandfather, and as the onlv reason why she and her chosen sweetheart, Pierre Bluette, were not wedded was the want of means, after repressing the first impulse of natural indignation she quietly came over to his 6ide with the simple "1 am going to write a letter to mj father," replied Rollo. Antony to Cleopatra. 1 am dying, Egypt, dyingl "And you don't mind coining in the house and scampering off up stairs?" "Don't you think you had better waii for your Uncle George to come and teach you how to write?" continued Jonas. "No." The extraordinary thing about these products is that they not only look but feel like the real creatures which they imitate, the very substante being to the touch so like flesh itself that it is difficult for any one who handles the objects and examines them closely to realize that he is pot dealing with the animals themselves. So amazingly well are they painted that their hues are the very tints of nature. For example, you can take a frog in your hand, pinch him and admire the beauty of his coloring without being able to distinguish him from an actual bactrachian just killed. Ebbs the crimson life tide fast; And the dark, Plutonian shadow* "And you don't have to take the bu reau drawer out and dump it upside down on the floor to get your articles?' "Never." "Podley looked over the staircase and hall. 'Pshaw,' he said, 'you'n I'll take hold of that and shake it up there while you wait.' Gather on tbe evening blast. Let thine arm, O Queen, support me. The pain I felt on having my attention called to the rofcrenco can hardly be overestimated. For years I have been a constant reader of your paper, and also have been its friend. When others about me was downing It on every hand, I have said, "No. 1 think yon are a little off in regards to that." And sometimes when it was as much as a man's life was worth to stand qjo, par. P*0»r I Vov.W Mao np far it. Just here he seemed to wipe a teal from his eye, and the emblem maker regarded him with a puzzled look as he asked: "I've been to school long enough tC know how to write a letter," retorted Rollo, who, like most boys, was fond ol having his own waj'. Jonas smiled, but said nothing, and Rollo took up his per and began to write. Pretty soon he looked np and said to Jonas: "More haste less speed, yon know." Husti thy sobs and bow thine ear; Listen to the great heart secrets. Thou, and thou alone, must hear. remark "Never have to call your wife froic the cellar to the third story to ask hei whether your shirt is in this bureau oi in the one at your summer residence?" "I laid off my coat and lifted up the end of the bed. That was about half-past t last Monday evening. Going up stairs ] took the lower end. When we got up high enough the tall, ornamental back of the bed jammed into the ceiling. It plowed a jagged furrow in the plastering and the jar hurt me a good deal. That reminded Podley that he'd have to lower his end. He lowered the bed so the top cleared the ceiling and the bottom struck on the next stair. Then we lifted the bottom to clear the stairs £nd the top got tangled in the plastering. Podley thought I might lift the bottom real quick, while he held down on the top and got it by that way. Finally, after we'd lif'cd aa4 twisted and perspired enough the combination came right and we got it by the jog. "It was easy enough then until we got it to the top of the stairs, where the banisters turn. Of course it was too broad to turn there. "Podley rested his end on the top step and leaned over the banisters and encouraged me while the lied slowly tore the flesh from the palms of iny hands and crunched my shin bones. Podley fanned himself and got facetious. Just at the last, gasp tho landlady's husband came in. He flew to my relief. We lifted the bed cleas over the banisters and set it down in tbej narrow hall. But we could neither turn if so as to get it through the bedroom door nor get it back on the stairs again. "All right, I agree.' Her ready acceptance of the proposal was met by loud shouts of laughter on the part of his companions, and if he were not in earnest iu the first place it was now too late to draw back. Accordingly, calling the attention of his friends to the conditions of the bargain, he located two hearty and artistic kisses on the lips of the blushing maiden. Though my scarred and veteran legions Bear their eagles high no more. Though my wrecked and scattered galleys Strew dark Actium's fatal shore; Though no glittering guards surround me. Prompt to do their master's will, 1 must perish like a Roman- Die the great Triumvir stilL "What sort of an emblem were you thinking of?'' If tys does it, in the face of the fact that the highway between Worcester and Boston is in no way prepared for such a light ning trip, "Monsieur" will have furnished the world the biggest sanitation .possible short of an actual flying machine. Mr. Beranger may be an enthusiast, but he has made applications for patents in Ave coun tries, and his patent in this country is already assured. The new cycle will certainly make the fur fly in "bike" circles It it gops, for it will lDe sold for seventy dollars, and its weight will be about fifteen pounds less than the ordinarj' Warwick "safety." "That's what bothers me," replied the other. "1 did think at first of getting a beehive, but I dunno. A beehive is an emblem of industry, if I remember aright?" "Certainly not." "Just know where everything is kepi so that yon can pull the drawer out anc get what you want without loooking in I suppose?" We well recall the day we first met you here In this office, and when you became a member of our staff. You said then that you shrank from publicity. Yua h.ive boon in the shrinking business ever since. "What was the name of that place tc which Uncle G-eorge so kindly took ui last night?" The secret of this art, which is quite a new one, lies mainly in the composition employed as a material. Its basis is glue. The operator first takes the fish to be imitated and makes a plaster mold from it in the ordinary fashion. Then he places a wooden core inside the mold—a flat piece of plank of the same general shape serves usually for the purpose, the Jtject being to give stiffness to the finished result—and pours into the mold the melted composition.Let not Caesar's servile miniona Mock the linn thus laid low; Twaa no foe man's hand that felled Twas his own that struck the blow—' His who, pillowed on thy bosom. Turned aside from glory's ray— His who, drunk with thy caresses. Madly threw a world away "Cert- inly, sir." powerful workers?" "Yes. " "That," replied Jonas, "is what if called a lecture; but if you are going tc write to your father about it Du hat better wait till your undo comes. He is a master hand at letter writing." "Exactly." Then sitting down with an air of content he continued: "I wish I could do that." "Well, you cau if you will just try s few times. I regard myself more tii*r ordinary simply because I can do ah this. Why, this very morning 1 needed a new handkerchief. 1 went home, | walked op stairs, threw my old one where it belonged, tramped up anothex flight of steps, pulled out the bureac drawer, put my hand in and took oul this," displaying a  The reference to nie and the doings which was had at my house was scurrilous in the extreme. We had in every regard what might be sailed a rattling time, and for you to attack it and make It a personal matter was, to me, most painful. and I think to be real low, as also docs all those with which 1 have been thrown into contact with since the Issue of your paper. "But they only work in the summer, you know, while I work all the year round; indeed, most of my work is done in the winter. The beehive, therefore, wouldn't be quite the tiling. I shouldn't want to deceive the public by displaying a false emblem. No one ever makes anything by deception." "When you give me the third, Margot, you shall have the thousand francs." V'ou had been pointed out to u.s by our foreman, and we still recall your appearance as you sat there in oar revolving chair with s'lnlit-'lit shimmering through your asparagus whiskers. Vou even then wore that same eld bunch grass beard instead of a necktie.and the hornets built their nests in it every spring. It used to delight our then devil to come upon you suddenly and scare a rabbit out of your whiskers. Corundum."I'm ready now," was her answer. But Hollo paid no heed to Jonas and went on with his work. Pretty soor the door opened and Mr. George entered the room. Should the base plebeian rabble. Dare assail my fame at llome. Where the noble spouse, Octavia, Weeps within her widowed home. Seek her: say the gods bear witness- Altars, augurs, circling wings- That her blood, with mine commingled, Yet shall mount the throne of kings. "Oh, but you see I'm not," he hastily added, and the character of the fraud gradually stole over the minds of all present. The inventor claims Unit ro propel his machine requires from seven to ten times less power than is required on the ordinary bicycle. Indeed, the difficulty he seems to fear most i? a vast excess of power, which n ill make the machine unmanageable to the ordinary person throngh its terrific speed. If the one wheel ej'cle, according to the inventor's designs, is practicable, its availability for people who nowaday.'! ride bicycle; merely for pleasure may be questioned, unless it can be easily controlled and kept at a slow rate of epeed. "Good morning, Rollo; good morning. Jonas," he said. "Well, Rollo, 1 see you are ready to take a lesson this morning. I am glad that you have already begur to practice." Eight or ten hours later the mold is opened, and a perfect counterpart of the fish, as to shape, is taken out. So admirably are all the details reproduced that each scale is distinct. After the counterfeit has been hung up to dry for a few days it is painted with oil colors in a manner as uear to nature as possible, a fresh specimen net long out of water being used for a copy. This done the thing is finished. In the process of molding stiffening is given to the (ins and tail with ordinary wire mosquito netting. "Then give me the thousand francs." "Oh, no; not till the third kiss is taken." "No." "I had also thought of the beaver. They say the beaver is a powerful worker, but you see he works mostly at night, while J am working both night and day. If I should get a beaver it would be deceiving the public. I suppose that a blacksmith's half arm holding a hammer is also a sign of industry?" Well, the cloud of humiliation thai passed over that man's face when he beheld the little sleeve of his baby boy'e undergarment dangling in the air could have been condensed into blocks and stored away for future use. And for thee, star eyed Egyptian. Glorious sorceress of the Nile, Light my path through Stygian darkness With the splendor of thy smile. Give to Ciesar thrones and kingdoms. 1/et bis brow and laurel twine; 1 can scorn all meaner triumphs. Triumphing in love like thine. Margot had more the air of being embarrassed than she really was. Making suitable changes in her toilet she went to the local court then in F«?s3ion. The pretty waitress was known and respected by all, so that she easily obtained a hearing from the judge. "He is writing a letter to his father,' said Jonas. "I told him to wait till vol' came, but he wanted to write about thai —that er lecture he saw last night." 1 hate to be all the time iu print and see my name before the people, and it has been such a little while since 1 appeared in these columns in the capacity of a contributor. askiug for a portion of your space for the pur]HDsc of thanking my many friends who had done so much tomaku the last illness of my wife a success. "Good gracious, Rollo!" exclaimed Mr. George, "I am glad I came in time. Lei me see what you have written." The fat man pulled at his nose a few times, laughed and walked off, while the thin man went about the town with pencil and book takiDg bids for the scattering of his earthly anatomy about the streets.—Philadelphia Times. According to Mr. Heranger, thirty pushes a minute on the pedals equals about forty miles an hour. If machines of this sort are to go cavorting about the country at even that rate, new problems in highway regulation are to be solved. On the other hand, if these machines can be propelled on prepared roads at a much greater speed than is attained by locomotives, the com m'ercial opportunities for them may be immense. But meanwhile Mr. Beranger has to demonstrate to the world the success of his invention.—Springfield Republican. J am dying. Kgypt, dylngl Harkl the Insulting foeman's cry; They are coming quick, my falchionl Let me front them ere 1 die. Ahl no more amid the battle Shall my soul exulting swell; Isis and Osiris guard thee- Cleopatra (tome—farewell I William Haines Lytle. "Yes, sir." Her recital ended, that functionary issued a warrant for Skulkorn, who duly appeared. The fishes required for molding and copying with colors are !DeiiDg sent to Washington ns fast us required from the various stations of the fish commission nil over the country. Most of them at present are being obtained from Wood's Holl. It may be that the experts will be obliged to go themselves to Galveston, San Francisco and elsewhere i u order to secure fresh specimens from the gulf, Pacific and luke waters. You also worea little peachstono charm In the form of a basket on your watch chain. The chain was made by oneof your deserted wives. 11 wus made of horsehair, aud was as pliable as an iron bridge. "But it hardly fills the bill. The blacksmith works only nine hours a day, you know, and sometimes ho is out of work for weeks at a time." Rollo handed his uncle the letter, anc Mr. George read as follows: "After that bed had finished me and Pod-' « ley up and reduced the landlady's husband,, who is a-fleshy man, to a mere soggy, p. pitating mass, we pushed it into a room . • the head of the stairs and quit. - ■* "Tuesday evening the landlady's hnsband came up smiling and confident.. The headpiece, he said, lifted right off. Wa opened the bed and lifted. Then we shut it up aud stood it on it3 head and its sido and its stomach. The landlady's husband1 eyed it critically in each position and shook it and thumped it on the back. But nothing came of that, so we opened it and got the landlady to sit on the bedpost while we lifted on the headpiece. When we got tired of doing that we shut it up and examined it some more. "My Dear Father—I arrived in New York with Jonas, and Uncle George me) us and we went to a nice hotel, where lit showed me how to get a dinner for les! than six dollars apiece. We had terrapin and I ate two wings and something thai fizzled out of a bottle, and after dinnei Jonas took some medicine. Then we wenl to a lecture where there were a great many ladies with red legs." "Tho conditions of this wager were that if she allowed herself to be kissed three times yon were to give her a thousand francs? You have already kissed her twice?" A Sudden Attachment. "You think you want Industry, eh?" queried the manufacturer. "Well, mostly, but not altogether. It ought to be a combination of industry, sorrow, grief and truth. Do you think you could invent something to stand for that?" "At Home." As 1 say, 1 dislike to be constantly before the people in the light of a contributor, but when the leading paper of our town sours on my ice cream and attacks my motives, as I said, I think It is time to call a halt. After that we met you ou the street during a thunder shower. You explained to us your ids-.i of Divine wrath while you booked uD v,i;h your foretinger in our buttonhole auU lurid an umbrella over yourself with the other so that one of the poiuts took us just lielow the bosom. We can still remember what a cold rain it was, and how chilly it felt ou our stomach. Skulkorn smilingly and confidently admitted the truth of both propositions. When I was dead my spirit turned Those forwarded hither are wrapped in cloths as quickly as possible after being captured and packed in ice for shipment. Some superb bullfrogs have just arrived from southwest Missouri. They are two feet in length. Turtles of every edible variety will also be shown in the collection, including the various terrapins, the snapper, the green turtle aud others. In making models of them the shells and beaks of the animals themselves are utilized. About a dozen kinds of snakes which are destructive to fishes will be represented incidentally.To seek the much frequented house; J nassed the door, aud saw my friends "Very good," commented the limb of the law. "Margot, step this way." Til© Mexican Swell on Ilorscback. From band to band they poshed the wine; Feasting beneath green orange boughs. "Hardly. Emblems are supposed to represent a business. What particular business are you engaged in?" The girl did so, and his honor, coming down from the bench, said: The Mexican swell rides on a saddle worth a fortune. It i3 loaded with silver trimmings, and hanging over it is an expensive serape, or Spanish blanket, which adds to the magnificence of the whole. His queer shaped stirrups are redolent of the old mines. His bridle is in like manner adorned with metal in the shape of half a dozen big silver plates, and to his bit is attached a pair of knotted red cord reins, which he holds high up and loose. They sucked the pulp of plum and peach; They sang, they Jested and they laughed, For each was loved by each. This was as far as Rollo had written, and when Mr. George had read it he said: "I am glad that I came in time, Rollo, for it would have grieved youi kind father to have received such a let ter as this from his only son. He would think that your mind was filled entirelj with frivolous things and that you were deriving no real benefit from the manj instructive talks we have had. Now J will show you how to write a letter." "Have you any objections to my salut- I have lived in this place now, boy and man, for over seven years, aud I have yet to know of any paper ever before Bpeaking an unkind word regarding my course of conduct. It was my idea to have a good time on my own grounds, and to do all I could to make it a success, and 1 spoke to you about sending down a man to write it up more as a joke than anything else. "Do you remember the great Chicago fire which took place a number of years ing you?" 1 listened to their honest chat Said one, 'Tomorrow we shall be Plod, plod along the featureless sands. And coasting miles and miles of sea." Said one, "Before the tarn of tide We will achieve the eyrie seat." Said one, "Tomorrow "shall be like Today, but much more sweet." ago?" The maid returned no reply and the judge, taking silence for consent, put his arm about her waist and judiciously, as was but proper under the double combination of circumstances, kissed her. "Certainly." "Wednesday I dropped in at a furniture store and asked for an expert with a crowbar to come up and take my bed apart-. The man said there was no need of sending a man. He'd show me that a child cotild do it. Then he opened a bed like mine, . told me where to lift, and it came apart as easy as anything. I went home and laughed at the landlady's husband. After dinner I went to show him—but I didn't. "Well, I lost my grocery in that fire; also my wife and children. I have not yet recovered from the blow. I never expect to." "And now," he announced, shaking himself like a lion refreshed, "th;it is the third kiss established in due legal form. You have, Margot, in accordance with the agreement, given three kis.ses; consequently monsieur will pay you over the thousand francs." He is dressed in a black velvet jacket fringed and embroidered with silver, and a huge and expensive hat perched on his head is tilted over one ear. His legs are Incased in dark tight fitting breeches, with silver trimming down the side seams, but cut so as in summer weather to unbutton from the knee down and flap aside. His spurs are silver, big and heavy and costly, *nd fitted to buckle round his high cut heel. Under his left leg is fastened a broad bladed and beautifully curved sword, with a hilt worthy a prince of the blood. "Tomorrow," said they, strong with hope, And dwelt upon tho pleasant way; "Tomorrow!" cried they, one and all. While no one spoke of yesterday. Their life stood full at blessed noon; 1, only 1. had passed away. "Tomorrow and today." they cried; 1 was of yesterday We remember that your first idea regarding business was to print in our paiDcr a short advertisement regarding a remedy which could be used ut home, ami which you said would catch a good many suckers, especially young folks and country people. Do you remember that? "But your business?" Lobsters, crabs and other crustacea will likewise be shown. Some giant crayfishes nearly a foot long have come in with the big frogs from the Ozark region.—Wash ington Letter. "Well, 1 had to walk up and down tho streets last night because I had no money to pay for a bed, and I haven't had a thing to eat for"  This was the letter that Mr. Holida} received the next day: My Dear Father—I am having a very nici time, anil am learning a great deal. Ulicit George met us at the depot and we went tC dinner. We had duck, a bird of rare plumage Uncle George told me. Then we attended t lecture, which interested both Jonas and mt Dery much. Uncle George thought that yoi would have enjoyed It too. I am keeping at account of everything that I spend, becausi things cost a great deal here. When I wrtt« next I will send you the account. Your affec tionate son, Rollo. "Thursday I sent for the expert again. Thursday evening I went to dinner. The landlady's husband was sitting on the porch. He was a deep lobster color. His collar was nothing but a yellowish rag, and he drew his handkerchief ever and anon across his brow. ' It was hard perhaps, but just, and as he laid down the cash Skulkorn had a powerful impression that while stolen fruit might be the sweetest, it was doubtful whether it was altogether worth its price.—Philadelphia Times. The Yachting Cap in the Metropolis. "I know what sort of an emblem you want!" interhipted the other; "here it is!" While the women in Chautauqua are organizing reforms in dress it might be well to form a vigilance committee- in New York to prowl about the streets with rifiea and cut off the men who are adding to the general depression of the season by their startling combinations in the matter of summer costumes. I'm afraid that the actors on upper Broadway are responsible for much of this outburst of incongruity, but there is a good deal of it everywhere. To see a large and wabbly man parading complacently along Broadway in a frock suit and wearing a finicky looking yachting cap on top of a palpably bald head is one of the things that reconcile one to life In the suburbs. A frock suit on a yacht is quite as appropriate as a yachting cap on Broadway. Another combination thut is alarmingly prevalent is a suit of white flannel and a shiny beaver hat. Yesterday I saw a num'ner of men with light bhocs, black derby hats, silk shirts belted in at the waist and long tailed coats; but the yachting cap fever seems to be the fiercest and apparently fat men are particularly susceptible to their fascination. ■ It has long been noted that very fat women al ways wear small chip sailor hats. In a car the other day I' sat directly opposite a large man and a larger wife, whose flabby faces were almost beatific in their look of satisfaction. I think together the pair must have weighed at least 400 pounds. The woman wore a sailor hat which would have been small for a tenyear-old girl. It enlarged the apparent size of her face about six fold. The man's countenance was florid and puffy. He had a small tuft of hair upou his chin and his eyebrows ran suddenly aloft from the bridge of his nose at an inquiring angle. Perched at a rakish cast over one eye was a beautiful little yachting cap with a polka dot band and the owner's initials in gold braid in front. D*■ thing could possibly have been more gn u-sque than the look of sweet and gentle triitmph which both of those large and flabby faces wore.—New York Cor. Brooklyn Ragle. J shivered comfortless, but cast No chill across the table cloth; i, all forgotten, shivered, sad To stay and yet to part how loth; i passed from the familiar room, 1, whom from love had passed away, Like the remembrance of a guest That tarrieth but a day. -Christina G. RossettL When ho says that my motives and my ice cream were both adulterated, he does mo a great Injury, after eating what 1 thought was an ungodly amount of the same. He led him to the door and gave hiina kick. There was no resistance—no protestation. The emblem wanter never even turned his head as he walked stiffly out into the cold and cruel world to tackle somebody else. He had figured and lost, and he was a philosopher. —M. Quad in New York Evening World. The seat of this exquisite is the jjerfect pattern of a clothes pin. leaning against the cantle, he stretches his legs forward and outward, \with heels depressed in a fashion which reniinds one of Sydney Smith's saying that he did not object to a clergyman riding, if only he rode very badly and turned out his toes. It is the very converse of riding close to your horse. In what it originates it is hard to guess, unless bravado. The cowboy, with an equally short seat and long stirrups, keeps his legs where they belong, and if his leg is out of perpendicular, it will be so to the rear.- Colonel T. A. Dodge in Harper's. " 'Yes,' he said dejectedly, 'your bed's apart, but it isn't in your room. The mail says he'll have to saw the headpiece in two} it's too tall for the door. The man,' he continued, 'just went away. He came here about 1:30. One of your gears was sprung.' The landlady's husband mopped his br-w and looked away as one who accepts chastisement in a Christian spirit. Do you remember how we had a concert for the fresh air fund and asked you to loan us your cabinet organ, and how you said certainly, and how we got a dray and paid four dollars to more it to the hall and four dollars to move It back, and how we had to move it to a different house, as you had moved in tho meantime, and had got us to move your cabinet organ for you at eight dollars, and when we tried to play on it at the hall we found that you had removed the bellows from It? aution "Is that nil you're going to say about money?" asked Jonas. "That's all right,' rejoined Mr. George; "we'll touch hire for some more dust later on."—J. L Ford in New York Herald. But let me be brief. I have been here in this place seven years, and I belong to everything that is worth belonging to. When a man that amounts to anything Is buried here you will always see me in some kind of uniform following his remains, or mayhap as a pallbearer. I have a larger and better record as a pallbearer than most any other man with so few adas T have. I To the Westl To the Westt fo the Westl to the Weatl to the land of the free. Good Enough for Her. '1 \ Where mighty St. Lawrence roll* down to tbe sea. The following has been received from Miss Miranda Watkins, the Cowtown poetess. She says she desires it to be "considured in the nachure of a 6emiapollergy:"Strictly Local Rain. "Friday I sent for the expert and his saw and Friday night I had the great happiness of seeing my folding bed in my room. 'There,' in the ungrammatical language of the poet, 'let it lay!' For I'll lodge in an ash barrel before I'll ever attempt to move it again "—Chicago News. Where a man la a man. If he's willing to toll, Ind the humblest may gather the fraita of the soil; An elderly woman entered an opti cian's store on Broadway the other daj to make some purchases, and stopped tc examine a curious looking card which stood on a glass case. It was a picturi of a ballet dancer, wearing a gauzy pink skirt. She turned to a clerk behind tht counter and asked: i • Where children are blessings, and he who hath most, 3ath aid for his fortune, and riches to boast: Where the young may exult, and the aged may I have not bin through lurnin's round. Fur sech wuz not to be; A-spellin things the way they sounds Is good enuff for me. rest, iway, far away, to the Land of the Westl My first great race was also my first great victory. When I arrived at Philadelphia in 1876, there were assembled all the great oarsmen in the world. I became a laughing stock for them because ot my style of rowing aiid my rising. The prevailing rigging for sen lis then was the 8- inch sliding seat; oars, 10 feet 3 inches long, with blades 5% inches wide, and footboard having an angle of 30 degs. I went there with 26-inch sliding seat, foot oars, with blades and an angular foot brace at a 40 deg. angle. When the race came off I won by several lengths. Victories of an Oarsman. Why the Law Will Take Its Coarse. Allegheny boasts two "Jack the Ripper" dogs. They are the property of a very charming young lady. For some months they have been developing their murderous propensities', and much as it grieves their fair mistress she has decided to let the law take its course with them. They are very clever dogs, and many of the brother and sister dogs now owe their position in the happy hunting grounds to their efforts. They are "pals" in the murdering business, and slick ones too. The smaller one is the decoy, and when he sees a strange dog near the yard he waiiders out and wags his tail and shakes his head and uses every possible means to gain the confidence of the strange cur and become chummy with him. Po the Westl to the Westl where the rivers that flow —Washington Star. inn thousands of miles, spreading oat as tbey go: Where the green waring forests, that echo oar call. Don't neglect hide the loop on the "What do you call this thing?" My lawyer will also call upon you today with a writ, which you may possibly under stand better than this courteous note, which. If yon use. 1 hope ypu will see is spelled correct. In my card to the public after the loss of my recent wife, io which 1 said that 1 hoped at an early day to return the favor to those who had been so thoughtful as to come and tend out and fuss around and arrange the deceased so that she was fit to be seen, also in which 1 said God moved In a mysterious way his wonders to perform, your printer used a small g for the name of the Deity, and made other breaks which has been a source of levity ever sense. The general impression is that you have been trying for sixtyone years to get hold of a scheme whereby you could do a kind act in secret and get it into the paiier next to pure reading matter. Ilad Him There. collar of your coal "That, madam," blandly replied th« clerk, "is a French barometer. The skirt of the ballet girl is saturated with a chemical mixture. In fair weather it is blue. When the weather changet and it is about to rain it becomes violet. During the rain it turns pink." Superfluous Dorking—What's the reason you didn't speak to Borehain when he passed ns? As otherwise it lodging house!—L may suggest a cheap ife. A man who was preparing a series of receipts for a cook book engaged the services of a celebrated chef as critic and reviser of his work. One day he submitted to the chef a receipt for lemon pie which ended with the direction, "Then sit on the stove and stir constantly." The chef twirled his thumbs and said, "It strikes me that's rather a useless direction, for if you sit on a stove yon're bound to stir constantly."—San Francisco Argonaut. kre wide as old England, and free to ns all; fVhere the prairies, like seal where the billows have rolled. Brown—He insulted me the other day —called ine a freckled idiot. Reasonable. ire broad as the kingdoms and empires of old; Ind the lakes are like oceans la storm or in Dorking—Called you a freckled idiothow absurd! Why, you are not freckled I —London Fun. "That was a very reasonable request the Rev. Mr. Whitetie made last Sunday."rest, iway, far away, to the Land of the Westl fS Co the Westl to the Westl there Is wealth to be won, Phe forest to plear Is the work to be done: We'll try It, we'll do it, and never despair, While there's light in the sunshine and breath in the air. Thq woman looked closely at the card for a moment, r-nd then walked to the door and looked at the sunny sky. She said: You can trot out your lawyer, and we will meet him on grounds of social equality. Tomorrow we will publish an account of how the White Caps whipped you In Vigo county and put tobacco sauce on the place. A Parting Injunction. "What was it?" "He requested that no buttons be contributed for the heathen without garments attached to them."—New York Sun. He (at the seaside hop)—Dear me, you must excuse me a moment. I had a caramel in the tail pocket of my dress coat, and IJiave just sat down on it. Since then this rigging has advanced the speed of racing a minute a mile. I then went to England, and they laughed there; but I beat them out of sight. All England then used my rigging. I met Trickett in England and won $500,000 for my friends on this race. Then I defeated Laycock in the same way. I then went to Australia and was defeated by Beach through a collision with a steamer. The Australian climate undermined my constitution, and I wan defeated several times there, but I could never get the Australians to meet me in Tjeutral waters.—Edward Haulan in Ladies Uoine Journal. "It's no good. The skirt's pink and it's perfectly dry outside." The clerk took the card in his hand and glanced with a puzzled expression at the pink skirt. Then he looked at the floor and a light came into his face. The bold independence that labor shall bay, •hall strengthen our hands and forbid ui to She—Au revoir. Don't forget to bring back the caramel.—Clothier and Furnisher.What He Wanted to Know. He seldom fails to accomplish his object, and when success crowns bis efforts he entices the victim into the back. yard. Once there the other dog—an immense one—sets upon him and takes his life in the most fiendish manner. The poor unfortunate is literally torn to pieces and his remains are scattered over the entire yard. The youngmistress has always grieved over the depravity of her dogs, but not until recently has she decided to let the law take its course. The decision is the result of a strike on the part of her little brother, who declares that he will no longer officiate as a canine undertaker.—Pittsburg He was an Irishman, a husband and about to be a parent. Intensely interested as to the sex of his first born, ho heard the doctor's footsteps descending the stairs, and rushed to meet him with "Sure, dochtor, am 1 a father or a mother?"—London Globe. City Cousin—I see the farmhouse next to this one is closed. Why is that? Economical Pleanurhig. Vwayl far away) let us hope for the best, ind build up new homes in the Land of the Westl We do not fear you, Mr. Meltz, for wo regard you as an intellectual eggplant. "Madam," he said, sprinkled the floor." "our boy has just Rural Relative—Mrs. Hayfork, who lives there, has gone to the seaside for the summer. She says it's cheaper than stayin on the farm and feedin city relations.—New York Weekly. —Charles Mackay. You have wielded too much influence over this paper already, and visitors who came here while you wero waiting for the proof of one of your communications last week say that you are the same man who was tarred and feathered In Wayne county, and that you have never settled for the tar. Lady—How do you like this portrait, taken when I was a child? Things Better Lett Unsaid. The woman looked disgusted, said "huh," and walked out. The clerk continued to smile.—New York Sun. THE STORY OFONE MELTZ Gent—Ah! Not bad. By one of the old masters, I presume?-Bononia Ridet. BILL NYE GIVES HIS PAST HISTORY You will please write an apologetic editorial for the next tssue of your paper or be prepared for a sickening death which will make your relations turn away and look out of the window during the A Realistic Suggestion. "And how old are you, my little man?" said a Detroit gentleman to a youngster ho met on a Michigan Centra train the other day. Easy to Gneu. In the rong I* lace. At a Chinese llanquet. IN TWO LETTERS. Totling—Why do people borrow trouble so much? Dimling—Because it isn't necessary to put up any collateral.—New York Sun. Doesn't Cost Anything. Wiggs (at rehearsal)—Mr. Bacoushak, we want to put a little realism into this play. Can you suggest anything? Is Free-trade a Failures A wealthy Chinese merchant of San Francisco recently gave a banquet to some prominent New York gentlemen with whom ho had business relations, and many are the wonders told of the feast. Delicacies which to the American palate were uneatable were mingled with the most delicious viands. Some of them were easily recognized, while others were as strange and unaccountable as the native tongue of the host. Under this heading the London Ironmonger's Journal reprints a table showing the relations between price, production in duty in the case of wire nail?, which shows that in 1882 wo made 50.000 kegs of wire nails, which sold at the average price of 8.32 cents per po.iu 1, and that the duty of 4 cents per pound imposed in 1883 raised the price to 8.33 cents per pound, so that while for every 100-pound keg of wire nails a consumer used, an iniquitious and illogical tarill levied a tax of $4, the consumer paid just 1 cent. The Trouble Began with an Ice Cream Blowout, and Meltz Got His Back Up, bat It Is All Over Now and Melts Is Baconshak—You might try paying real salaries.—New York Sun. Dispatch. "Six years old," he promptly replied. "Any brothers or sisters?" "Yep, a sister." "How old is she?" "She's six." "Then you must be twins." "Course we is. Didn't think we was triplets, did you?"—Detroit Free Press. Improvement in Teetli Pulling. Still at It. Perhaps no other branch of the "healing art" has made more rapid strides during the last fifty years than dentistry. Many a middle aged man can recollect the horror he experienced when as a lad he was dragged to the office wherein resided a strong, muscular ogre, whose aim in life was to terrify the rest of the community by deciding that "this root must come out," or that "snag has got to be pulled." But what a change today! funeral. Wo can stand a good The Wrong Woman. Caller—Is Mrs. Brownstone at home? Sure to See Her. Buncombe County, N. C.—Riding; on the Richmond and Danville railroad the other day for an hour or so, I was slightly startled on seeing the somewhat faded features of Mr. Corundum J. Meltz, a former fellow townsman of mine, who used to help me run the paper at home, up to the time the foreman took it in part payment of his salary. Mr. Meltz now lives in North Carolina, and is editing the much obliged column of a Tarheel exchange. The much obliged column is that department which acknowledges the receipt of a rutabaga in the form of a kangaroo and then takes the rutabaga in payment for same. (.Copyright, 1891, by Edgar W. Nye.] 1 hate to be all the deal, Mr. Meltz, In the time before the public, way of free hand corand if 1 could have my respondencc, but we own way about it I learn that on the would keep in the strength of your combackground. Pub- munications, which licity has no charms have too often apfor me. For over two peared in these colyears 1 haveseemed to amnslwe regrettosay, live In a glass case, because we could not My course, therefore, think of pieces to run has been of course in their stead), you criticised, but I would have been accorded rather not be made so transportation and reprominent. I would freshments for man rather that others and beast. Servant—Yes'm. the evenin. It's my - York Weekly. ■D'11 be at home all t out.—New Among the many sweets offered for dessert were oranges of which the skin had apparently not been broken, yet from which the pulp had somehow been mysteriously removed, half a dozen sorts of jelly having been made to take its place. He—Miss De Capo plays with so much feeling. She—Yes, for the notes.—New York Snn. An Accomplished Pianist. Reasoning fi in Analogy. And further, that in 1889, the last year in which this oppressive tax of four cents per pound was levied on our long Buffering consumers, our production of wire nails had increased to 2,200,00tD kegs and the price had fallen to 2.90 cents per pound. The guests were unable to understand how so delicate an operation had been accomplished, but their astonishment was increased when tin- next moment they were served with eggs of which the shells were apparently perfect ly whole, yet turned ont to be full of nuts and candies. At present in the big cities teeth are picked out by specialists who don't do anything else, and these experts become so practiced that a single twist is required, where years ago three or four horrible, straining endeavors would have beea necessary to extract a big molar.—Phila- Philadelphia Record. Indecision. I've decided 1 shall marry. would introduce the It is now time to call lecturer when be a halt. Your attencomes here and let me tion will never more off. Of course 1 always after this be called to, have introduced lec- any allusion to yourturers that came here, self in these columns, and with some success. We now have another often doing it in such party who Is going to a way as to make the take your place. lie lecture itself sound fame ycbtenlay with a very flat, but I would sash of honey and a rather of not done it. desire to avail himself I would ratber keep of our columns, You Id the background, are therefore excused. Yet I have always been Mr. Meltz. You may kind of a favorite here return to your former and bad a seat on the avocations, if you platform, often Intro- know where they are. during the siDeaker for We have aired the two seats and a local, office since you went Only I'm so hard to please; Twixt two maidens fair 1 tarry One is Wynnie, oue Louise. Both are pretty appellations. But by fashion disenthralled. In their intimate relatious, Wynn and Lou they're ofteu culled. Consideration of the table induces the journal to say: Then another course of ecgs exactly sim ilar in appearance was laid before them, and when they broke the shells tiny live birds came flying out and fluttered about the room. A Historical Table. She (near midnight)—Pardon me, out your necktie is out of place. "These figures are almost calculated to cause the bodies of Richard Cobden, Adam Smith and a host of other Freetraders to turn in their coffins." A historical table is (loin# service in the waiting room of the Philadelphia, Wilmington and Baltimore railroad station in * But a quandary I'm in, then. Should I win Wynn's heart, you see, I lose Lou's—should Lou's I win, then I lose Wynn's-which shall it bei' Very hard it Is, this choosing: Lou's I win, or Wynn I lose. Names like those are so confusing. I'm uncertain which to choose. -London Vanity Fair. "How in the world is this managedf" one of the guests cried in astonishment. He (desperately)—You are the only woman 1 ever loved! He (looking in the mirror)—1 don't sco anything the matter with it. What's the trouble? Wilmington. It is the table on which the body of President Lincoln rested while being conveyeyed to Springfield, Ills., for burial. The table attracts little attention, very few people using tho depot being familiar with its history.—Wilmington (DeL) News. "Melican man heap smart," the host an swered with a laugh, "but Melican man no flndee out allee t'ings in wo'lde, allee samee." She—That may be. But if it is, I am certainly not the only woman you hav® ever lied to.—Life. Mother—Now, child, what makes yon think Sasan steals the sugar? Son—Cos I heard pa tell her that her lips tasted awful sweet.—Once a Week. No True American Should lie a Free-trader. She—It ought to be home.—Clothier and Furnisher. The following is an extract from a speech of General Dick Taylor, of the Confederate army. It needs no comments:And that was the only satisfaction they could obtain.—Youth's Compauion. The Long and the Short of It. Melting a Crowd. Hired Man Time. Jewels of Roman Women. At 5:30 o'clock in the afternoon, when hundreds of people were rushing into the New York end of the bridge, a man who stood on the steps of the "L" station, about half way up, suddenly called out: "I'd like to go away for the rest of the week, sir," said the tired bookkeeper. No tJ»e in That. An oldish couple, who had come in by the Erie road, were crossing on a Pavonia ferryboat yesterday, when the wife asked her husband about the time of day. It was about 2 o'clock by the right time, but he looked at his big silver watch and replied that it was 8. We made two great mistakes. Had we avoided them we should have conquered you. The first was that we did not substantially destroy the protective features of the tariff in {lie winter session of 1857-8, by an act which provided a rapid sliding scale to Freetrade. We could havo passed such a law and held it tight on you till it closed txfes furnaces, workshops, woolen and lotton mills, and steel and bar iron works of the whole north and west, and scattered your workmen over the prairies and territories. Wheu the war was ready for you you would not have been ready for the war. You could not have armed and equipped and put into the field a large army, nor built a large navy. You would have been without supplies, machinery and workmen, and you would have been without money and credit. The ladies of Rome early imbibed a love lor art and artistic decoration of their per-10ns. While in early times their dress was lererely simple, they kept pace with the tastes of the men, and many ladies of rank ried with tho cardinals in their patronage if the goldsmiths. Cellini numbered several among his friends, and at various times keenly felt the consequences of their displeasure or caprice. Of Course the patronage of women was not directly connected with the affairs of the church, for In its councils women were unknown. The popts and priests never married, else art might have been more widely applied than It was. Why Does the San Continue to Burn? It is rather sad at away, Mr. Meltz, and the age of sixty-one have attached an years to be attacked atomizer to a Babcock by a paper to which 1 fire extinguisher loadhave contributed off ed with chlorides, and on forseven years. Now teams do not shy boy and man, bright- as they pass the office, ening it ap from week and times are better to week when the edit- with us. Thousands of curious and iugenious theories have been brought forth'to account for the fact that the sun, although he has whirled his burning disk across the heavens for untold ages, continues to burn without being consumed or his bulk being lessened in the least. Some learned men affect to believe that the great orb is a monstrous ball of gas, but even a great ball of gas would be consumed in its utmost atom in the course of a few thou sand years. Others pretend to believe that its fires are kept tip by the remains of wrecked worlds which are constantly falling into its depths, but even this seems far from probable, not to say a purely absurd conclusion. "There is no need for you to do that," replied the employer. "Stay here and the rest of the week will come to you." —New York Sun. "Jim—oh, Jim!" At least one hundred people stopped and turned their faces in his direction. "I say, Jim—wait a minute!" continued the man. Not His Own. "But they 6aid we'd get there about 2," she protested. or's brain seemed in- Yesterday we sold a fested with cockroach- page of ad vertislng to es and everything a circus, and also known to science ex- agreed to run the name cept ideas, perhaps. and date diagonally Dr. Surgens—In my business several examinations are required every year. Mr. Stranger—Civil service? Dr. Surgens—No, post mortem.—Low- Lowell Citizen. "Train might have been late." "It wasn't quite 2 by the clock in tho depot." The crowd now numbered two hundred and threatened a jam, when the man shouted: "He took out his bullseye again for another look, held it up to his ear to see if it was going, and then suddenly exclaimed:So now, if you will across the first page in print this letter as a red ink for six dollars, ■ort of introduction to We do not see that a well worded apology, wo need you, Mr. you will not only stand Meltz. Another man better in the comrnu- has been raised up to nity, but you will avoid take your place. "Here's a poor woman whom I want to raise a purse for. All you who are willing to"  He—What is the amount of the bill for summer bonnets this year? What Was Left. Women often, however, called the goldimith's talents into their service for the creation of splendid gifts in the name of their religion. A few of them furnished means for the creation of altar furniture of the most, elaborate and expensive character, which they presented to the sanctuaries in which they worshiped. WK MET YOU IN THE STREET. Short McWade—Shure and ye're twice as high as meself, and I kin do more work than you. But the two hundred had melted away like a pummer mist.—New York World. "Oh, pshawt I'm an hour ahead! I've had her set for the hired man to git up by and forgot to turn 'er back!"—New York Evening World. In giving his opinion on the last contention, one of the most eminent astronomers of the day has figured that a mountain range consisting of 178 cubic miles falling Into the sun would only be sufficient to maintain the present heat for a single second; ft mass equal to that of our eartli would engender only enough of heat to last niuety-three years.—New York Telegram.He says that, on the whole, he has done better here than he did in Wyoming, and really lives higher. Last week six specimens of deformed fruit and a -sack of hulled corn came into his department. Besides this, he "was shown" a stalk of corn over 0 feet 6 inches in height and a pair of twin colts connected at birth by a natural neck yoke. Though some of these things, of course, are not edible, he says he does well, and that he thinks the climate alone is far more nutritious than that of Wyoming. She—For myself, for Tini, Dini and Nini ninety-nine marks ninety-five pfennig, all in all. a lawsuit and a very Tall Flyn—En there's nothin' strange about that. Ye're nearer yer work.— New York Recorder. untidy death. Please print this on write the purest Engthe editorial page, and lish of any one con- I will be up there at 3 netted with the press o'clock to look over the In the United States, proofs for typograph- and 1b the author of leal errors. So no more the astounding headat present, sir. Re- line over the murder Bpectfully, of an old lady: "Drug CoRtmotTM J. Meltz. from her bed and stuck with a stab knife." Mr. Meltz claims to Johnny—Let's play war. I'll be the Duke of Wellington and you can be Napolean Bonaparte. The Acme of Greatness. He—That's almost 100 marks! Well, for the remaining five pfennig I'll buy some polish to give my old straw hat a fresh shining up.—Fliegende Blatter. Time for Departure. In a Chicago parlor: The Voice of Nature. Augustus Newyorke (hearing the tread 18 if of a mighty host)—Why, there's a procession passing by; at this time of the night too. On the high mountains of New Grenada, as high up as the lower limit of perpetual snow, grows the wax palm. Its tall trunk Is covered with a thin coating of a whitish waxy substance, giving it a marbled pearance, which is scraped off and forms an article of commerce. It consists of two parts of resin and one of wax, and when mixed with one-third of tallow it makes very good candles.—Washington Star The Wax Palm. But there was another class of Roman women. There were beauties in Rome as well as in other countries, and they were not less fond of personal adornment and ndulation. Like their sisters of today, they were not averse to the admiration of the opposite sex, and they enhanced their natural charms by all the arts then kuovvn. At the time of which Shakespeare baa made so much of his plays, jewels were worn in greater or less profusion by the beauties of Rome.—Jewelers' Weekly. Visitor (to proprietor of menagerie)— Good gracious! What excruciating cry was that? Has anybody been attacked by the wild beasts? Willie—That suits me. Bonaparte was a good deal better general than the Duke of Wellington. Johnny—He got licked all the same, A Street Scene. Trotter—Wbat are those men standing there in a bunch for. And Then He Proposed. She—Dear me, here it is Angust. year is more than half gone. Proprietor—Oh, no; It was only Fraulein O efurcht, the lion tamer, frightened by mouse that ran across the floor of her dressing room.—Splitter. Willie—That's cause he had bad luck. .He could down any of 'em when it come to bein a general. He was a regular Anson—that's what he was?—Chicago TVihnnA Miss Windecite—No; that ia papa coming home. I know his footsteps. The I am glad to know that he is doing well, and that he has not missed an editorial excursion In sixteen years. Barlaw—They're looking at the thermometer. They want to find out how hot they are.—Life. Looking over my papers when I got Augustus Newyorke—Miss Windecite, I bid you good evening.—New York Herald. He (with a world of meaning in his eyes)—I can beat that, Maude. I'm completely gooe.—Brooklyn Life.