Pittston Gazette

              } Oldest f'ewsuauei in the ttvomiiiv v^lie* PITTSTON, LUZERNE (*}D., PA., FRIDAY, M-PI EMBER 5. 18CJ1. a vv teh ]\ {ocai di t , \ | IB M WHERE HE PUT HIS ARM. by the bunko steerer, gouged by the I green goods man, ignored by congress, cursed by the consumer, skun by the wealthy and peppersauced by the poor, peeled by the penniless and tobaccosauced bv the usurious, dosrued bv the sheriff and taxed to his grave, that he may prosper the interests of the nonresident Mr. Couldock then read a paper on "How to keep Boys on the Farm." a pleasant little choppy ride, but that you will know exactly how much to pay when you get through. A GRAND BLUFF. THE COTTON BLOSSOM CLUB A BACK YARD EPISODE. SHE WANTED CHEESE. He stood outside the gate awhile, And said "Good night," with lovesick smUfc! "Good night." she said. "Good night,"' once more He muttered as he'd done before, And then, lured by some subtle charm. He came inside and put his arm— TREATMENT OF INEBRIATES AND SO IT GOES. Unfortunately, 1 paused to pick up my valise, which had fallen off the perch of the driver. He should have gotten it himself, because he was the one who dropped it, but he had a skittish horse, and so 1 got it. But, of course, we stopped while I did so. When we came to settle he charged me double price because we had stopped on the way. It Was a Prettv Hot I) »y. b.it He Got F rn*fii Brother St. Claire Williams Is Called The True Story of a Fat Man and « Wirketl tlatmuock. It was in a back yard on Carroll street. Brooklyn, and the hour was Rundown. A hammock was suspended between two posts. Hlshop Granliery Tells of a Woman's Ad▼entute Through t'»ingtlie Wrong Word. rhere Is Only On- Cure »:i.| Tjiiit Is an The Deadly Tobttroo I'i.tnt ThiU Is Kill* There was a youu ; ad harmless looking man sitting in Hrv.iut park recently, when along came a very respectable appearing citizen and sat down on the bench beside him with a great jar, and gasped out: When the regular Saturday night meeting had been opened in due and ancient form, and the janitor had signaled that the thermometer showed 98 degs. all over the hall. Brother Gardner looked around and inquired: Down Bishop Granbery, of the Methodist church, south, who for many years was stationed in the empire of Brazil, in the days of Dom Pedro, recently related to a friend in this city some of the woes of a missionary to foreign lands that usually do not become public or get into the newspapers. They were the domestic life and trials of the missionary and his wife in lands with which all their habits and trainings are not in accord. One of these stories illustrates how the good missionary wrestles with the unaccustomed languages of the countries to which he goes—and gets thrown. Heroic On« lug *1 ■*» Miilious. T. D. Crouthers, M. D., writes in The Voice: The treatment of inebriates is invested with much mystery and superstition in the minds of the common people. Every few months the old superstition is revived and goes the rounds of the press, that in certain asylums inebriates are surfeited with spirits; everything that is eaten or drank is mixed with spirits, until at last the spirit taste is destroyed never to return again. The onlj» basis for this was an experiment made in Bonn, Germany, in 1863. Three inebriates were confined in a house and treated this way, by mutual consent. Two had delirium tremens, of which one died within a week. The other lived two months and died from paralysis. The third became insane and was sent to an asylum. The experimenter was sentenced to prison for life. No man rwith any practical knowledge would ever take the risk of such an experiment. No such method was ever attempted seriously, for the reason that nothing could bo more certainly fatal to both the patient and the experimenter. "I've come to t!ie conclusion that it is better not to smoke at all." He settled hi;n - .c couifortably in on« of the chairs i:i the Russell House rotunda and placed the tips of his fingers together a3 he spoke. She wore a hat of Jaunty shape. Tied up with some soft clinging crape, A truant ribbon from its peak Strayed down and kissed her dimpled cheek. Such birds as they have in Brooklyn were singing their sweetest songs preparatory to seeking their gentle roosts, ind the yellow faces of the big sunflowers carried prins of pleasure as a fat man, smoking a cigar, made his appearance."Oh, Lord! but it's hot!" "Yes. rather warm," other. . "Is Brudder St. Claire Williams present wid us dis evenin' V Buzzard's Bay is only a short ride from Boston. A bright correspondent of the press is at the station. 1 did not know it when 1 went there. He was disguised, I think, as a baggageman, for 1 saw no one but the regular station men when Mr. Robaoa and 1 got off, but the paper the next day had a graphic account of all we said and did, both when ■tre landed at Buzzard's Bay and when we left the day afterward. 1 do not know who he was, but he was a success from a newspaper standpoint. He was graphic, and described how my clothes seemed to fit me better than I could have done it myself. Far better, in fact, for I might have been prejudiced. He was not. He just laid aside all feeling and hewed to the line, let the chips fall where they may. Just as the Prince of Wales would da answered the "I agree with everybody who says moderate smoking i3 harmless," he continued. "I know all about that. I know all about the power of a good cigar to cheer the heart of a lonely man too. Often I have thought when sitting with my eveniDg cigar that the weed acted as a disinfectant, carrying away in its curling blue smoke all the blue thoughts and blue feelings within me. And the burning of cigars in a congenial company of men promotes good fellowship. Of course it does. It adds to the enjoyment of social life. The moon was full, the hour was late; As they stood there beside the gate His love, by Cupjd'» bellows fanned, Blazed up. He look her little hand And muttered. "Dear, what is the harm?" And then he gently put his arm — I saw that he was a consumptive, and knowing also that he had a skittish horse, 1 raised myself to my full height, a thing that 1 very rarely do, and told him that I would give him only the price of a single trip. He then struck at me with his whip, which fortunately hit me so that I had an opportunity to catch it by the lash, and quickly jerking it, he meantime retaining his hold upon it, I pulled him from his perch, and, maddened by a cup of chocolate which 1 had jnst drank at the tavern and the fumes of which had risen to my brain, I struck him repeatedly with my clenched hand, one knuckle of which 1 allowed to protrude in a way calculated to give him great pain, at least if it hurt him aa much as it did ine. "Warm! Why, its enough to fry a flagstone! I'll bet its 110 degs. right hero in the shade." "He ar'," replied the individual alluded to as he rose up. Brother Williams is known as the jimdandy of the club. He uses real bear*, oil for his hair, wears patent leathei shoes and has been known to change collars twice a day since the warm weather Bet in. He has had his photograph taken in seven different poses, and has been known to pencil his eyebrows while riding on the front platform of a street car. "You will please step dis way." He had come out to lie in the hammock and commune with nature as 6lie sent the sun to rest and bade the banana peddlers cease their racket. Ho proceeded to business by backing up to the hammock, seizing it with both hands behind him and drawing it under him. "Put up your money," said the young man as he fished out a ten dollar bill. "I'll bet ten to five it isn't as hot as that." She wore a gown of creamy white So nimy that a fairy might Have spun it in an hour of thrift. And sent it to her as a irift. "Well, it's an even hundred, anyway." "Put up your money! It's ten to live it isn't a hundred." The bishop's friend, the Rev. Mr. Blank, had been a missionary iu Brazil for some years with the bishop, and both spoke Spanish, or the Brazilian Spanish, like natives. But they both foresaw, with some amusement, that there was going to bo trouble on the Rcore of the language when the Rev. Mr. Blank informed the bishop that he was coming home to the United States and get his bride and take her back to Brazil But the bride, anticipating the trouble, studied the Spanish diligently, and for a time there was some hesitation and embarrassment, but no trouble. Thinking she was getting along famously, 6he soon gained more confidence. The moon reflected. Three's a crowd," And then politely soukIiI at-loud. With opiwrtunity mi near. His love welled strong and banished fear He smiled away her tirst alarm. And then he gently put his arm — He sat down on the ground. He wouldn't believe it was the ground at first, bu£ after feeling all around ho finally became convinced and got up. Something was said about a locality, way, way off, which has no railroad or steamboat connection, but his words were not addressed to any one in particular."May not be quite that, but it's 05," growled the very respectable as he fanned himself with his hat. "Brudder Williams," said the president as he looked down upon him, "you are 'sposed to be do purtiest an' sweetest memlier of dis Cotton Blossom club." lie checked an involuntary movement of liis right hand toward his upper vest pocket, and then ho remained silent for a moment, with his eyes bent on the floor. A little bird came round next day And told me that 'twas just this way: lie put bis arm as thus they stood. Where It would dollie greatest good. -Clothier and Furnisher. "Ten to five that it isn't!" calmly replied the young man as he held out the money. "Yes, sah," replied the brother, grinning at the compliment. "Well, it's 90, and I'll bet $1,000 on it!" shouted the other. "But when you've come to realize all this," ho said after a while, "you're a slave. I began by smoking a brand of little, stubby, rough, cigars that cost four cents apiece. I remember that cigar perfectly, because I've never found its equal since at any price. I smoked about one of these a tti ng on a rail fence in the darkness of night and j sneaking up the back stairs to bed afterward, holding my breath for fear somebody would smell it. I had just polished him off and made good mjr escape, when a policeman, less than ■& bldbk away, closed The Atlantic Monthl- in which he was reading a continued otory, and started for me. I thought I had already made good my escape, but at this time I decided to make some more improvements on it, which I did, and soon might have been seen gayly perched on the afterdeck of Mr. Robson's steam yacht, the Why, and with the wind on my quarter was speeding*swiftly toward Cohasset. "Even ten that it isn't 90!" "Has you got any reg'lar bizness, Brudder Williams—any reg'lar bizness 'cept dat of lookin' purty an' sweet?" This time he sidled up to tlio hammock and held it so as to roll in on his right nide. His motives were entirely honorable, but there's a heap of difference between running a coal yard and getting into a hammock, fie didn't roll In. For eomo um-xpluined reason the machinery skipped a cog just then, and he woke up on the broad side of his back with the hammock swinging over him. BOUND ABOUT CAPE The vcrv respectable had twentyseven separate and distinct rivulets ruuning down his back as he turned and looked the young man over, and finally said: Another delusion is also common tliat some medicines may be given which will destroy the craving for spirits, or some kinds of foods will have the same effect. Ail the numerous quack specify remedies for inebriety are based on tfeis. Practically all these remedies are narcotics in disguise and merely change the drink craze from the narcotic of alcohol to some similar drug. Opium is the most common, because it is cheap and can be disguised. Fusil oil is another very common ingredient of alcoholic specifics. Cocaine is also greatly used. It is safe to say that all these specific remedies for the cure of inebriety are not only worthless, but literally more dangerous than the alcohol itself. One of the shrewdest of these quack methods (sold for ten dollars under the ban of secrecy) was a solemn oath not to use spirits for six months, to be signed in blood, which was furnished by the advertiser, and a pledge to submit to the most horrid tortures if he violated this oath, together with dark hints of how the advertiser could find out his failure to keep it and how the punishment would follow. No medicines were given, simply •n appeal to the fears and imagination Strangely, this method has the strong indorsement of many persons who claim to have been fully cured by it. "1'ze a waitah, sail, but out of a jsb jist now." ~ / "How long has you bin out of a job?" " 'Bout fo' months, sah." "Is dat suit of clothes paid for?" "Not quite, sah." "Is you squar' on yer board?" "I'ze a leetle behind, sah." "Does you owe members of die club borrowed money?" BILL NYE WftlTES OF BUZZARD'S BAY AND BOSTON. So all went well till the young couple set up an establishment and secured a man servant with the fine manners of a Spanish grandee. The reverend gentleman's wife stood in awe of him from the start. And her greatest trial was when her husband would be detained from home during the dinner hour, when she had to dine alone, except for tlr.it gram man servant One day that functionary was standing elegant and impressive, when she had occasion to ask him to hand her the The man stood immovable like a lay figure in a clothing house, but she noticed a curious twitching of his mouth. She detected that he had heard her, and she began to get angry that he didn't move to do her bidding.a 1 £ "Perhaps there's a foot of snow on the ground, and the Hudson river is frozen over!" A Few Agricultural X:iiet Gathered froui Great Minds and Heard on the Out- side— A Little Affair with a Boston "I don't say that," replied the young man, "but I'll bet you $10 even up that the thermometer doesn't show above 51 degs. in the sun, and that's about March temperature. Money talks. Cover my ten to win or lose!" Herdlc Driver. This time ho delivered quite a lengthy address on Halifax and Texas—how to get there—manners and customs—cost of living, etc. He appeared to be considerably discouraged, but after awhile he braced up for another effort. He spread his arms right anil left, got a firm hold of the hammock and then hopped a frisky little hop with the firm intention of landing somewhere. "After awhile I went to the city and there I smoked a cigar after supper every night. Then I began to smoke once in a while as I walkedv to the store in the morning, which established the habit of smoking after breakfast. I indulged as moderately as this for three or four years and fondly believed that would be rrry limit through life. As I got my wages raised I began to smoke higher priced cigars, which always tasted better for a little while and then became as unsatisfactory as the others. (Copyright, 1801, by Edgar W. Nye.] '•Jist a few dollars." Cape Cod, Mass. —Barnstable connty, which is coextensive with Cape Cod, is the easternmost county of Massachusetts and has an area of 290 miles. It consists of a peninsula which is sixty miles long, terminating in Cape Cod. It is bounded on the east and south by the Atlantic ocean and on the west by Blizzard's bay and the Cleveland boosi which juta up against it. The soil is mostly light and sandy, producing the resinous germ of the .John pine and the bright red box berry. Dairy products, corn and wool, Sourish here to some extent, and the little Farmers' Alliance at Buzzard's Bay, of which Mr. Jefferson. Mr. Cleveland and Mr. Gilder are members, meeting on the first and third Tuesdays of each month, furnishes a most entertaining place to go for an evening. It is very seldom that I imbrue my hands in the warm, steaming blood of a fellow being, but when I do there is generally a good stiff market for mourning goods among his immediate relatives for a week or so afterward. "Brndder Williams," continued the president, "I has had my eye on you since tie fust night 1 sot in dis hall. I sized yon up fur a purty man, an' I see I was right. How you got into dis crowd I can't say, but I kin easily tell you how you will git out of it! We doan' want no purty men heah. If we had a hopyard an' wanted sumthin' fur vines to climb up on we could make use of you. You might do fur fish bait, but we has no time to go fishin'. When a man sots out to be purty an' sweet he ain't no good any mo'. When his only ambishun is to greiise his ha'r, w;ix his mustache an' go 'long de street as if he was steppin' on aigs, lie ain't wutli bein' bit by a ten cent dawg. I3rudder Williams, you is party, but you owe mo' money dan you kin pay in two y'ars. You is sweet, but you has to dodge de tailor. You has an elegant way of liftin' yer hat, but de hat aiu't paid fur. You walk like a guvner, buc yer shoemaker duns you almos' ebery day." And with the mercury bobbing in the bulb like an egg in a kettle of boiling water, and the heat fairly frizzling the flagstones around the park, the very respectable man suddenly shivered a little;, buttoned the top button of his coat and went away, saying: =~ As\-uU_ MAKING BOMB IMPROVEMENTS IN HIS ES- "I mast have caught cold, and 1 guess I'll put down a stiff whiskey and quinines—New York Evening World. He landed. His head hit the ground first, and then, by a sort of graduated scale, the rest of his body came down till his heels got there and jarred the earth for thirty feet around. He was very quiet for a couple of minntes. The two or three cats looking over the fence couldn't be sure whether he was dead or quietly enjoying a good thing. CAfE. I did not succeed in drawing out Mr. Cleveland regarding his candidacy, but he said naively, as he turned aside to spit on his bait, that his health was tiptop.An Honest Lad She repeated her command as she thought! "Give me the cheese." This time the grandee of a man servant perceptibly laughed, but was immovable. In indignation, supposing him to be impertinent, or worse still, crazy, she rushed to the front door to call assistance when she met the belated missionary, her husband, and promptly explained the situation."In the course of time I took to smoking a mild cigar after lunch at midday. Finally I smoked after eating anything, even a cracker. From four cent cigars I had advanced to twelve cents by the bos, and how many I smoked a day I do \ not know. Mind I do not make the costliness of the habit an argument by itself, becauso I believe that anything which adds to the innocent enjoyment of this short life is worth its cost. But the trouble was, the more I smoked tho less I enjoyed it. OAe cigar a day, perhaps two, would be enjoyable. The others would taste rank, and I would throw away one half smoked and light It wasn't over a minute after a man had climbed into a bootblack's chair on the Bowery the other hot day before his head began to nod, and the boy had only begun work when his customer was sound asleep. The work went ahead just the same, however, and after both shoes were completed the lad went over them twice more. He then knocked en the man's feet with his brush and woko him up. Literal Kngli*h A woman went into a Cass avenue drug store to have a prescription filled. The druggist compounded the drugs and as he handed the bottle to the customer, he said pleasantly: "That," said he, as he unfastened his hook from the wainscoting of my trousers, "is one thing which I like about me. While not in any sense a candidate, you may say in a general way thnt my health is right good." By and by a whoop broke the stillness of evening. It came from the fat man. Then the earth trembled. It was the fat man getting up. There was a long handled shovel resting peacefully against the fence, and he rushed for it and brought it down "kerswat!" on the hammoc—and then turned and fetched the fence an awful "kerthump!"—and then knocked the whole face off a big sunflower, and when he had finished and disappeared into the house those who looked down into the back yard turned pale and whispered to each other that the end was not yet.—M. Quad in New York Evening World. "Here's jour prescription, ma'amshake!"Another less scrupulous schemer advertises a sure cure for inebriety to be sent for five dollars in advance. In return the victim gets a plain card on which is printed, "Stop drinking and mind your own business." There you will hear of the ravages of the curculio and what the prospects are for ensilage and persiflage this fall. Mr. Jefferson keeps 1,600 head of cows on his Louisiana place, and it is said raises his calves on condensed milk. He loves dearly to fool with agriculture. He says that he is very fond of the country and enjoys heartily the processes of vegetable growth. A paper read by him at the Buzzard's Bay Chapter, No. 832, of the Farmers' Alliance, on "The Propagation, Growth and Decay of the Dried Apple Among the Pie Eating Dynasties of the Old World" is said to have been full of bon mots, statistics and unusual words. 'Til do nothing of the kind," snapped the woman, "and I think you've a good deal of impudence to ask me to." "What did you say, my dear?" was his smiling query. "What I admire about Mr. Cleveland," said Mr. Jefferson the following day, "is, that he is a just man. Even his enemies must admit that. When we go out fishing and return at night, Mr. Cleveland will not accept more than his just share of the catch. I do not say that Mr. Blaine would expect to catch 'chubs' and 'pumpkin seeds' all day and then expect to offset them against brook trout, but at the same time 1 think that he might consider that his conversational powers would offset bis suckers, while Mr. Cleveland does not try to so work his diplomatic gifts as to keep him in grub. He is a man who wants to give substantial justice to everybody, and of course this does not suit those who never tried it "Wash I shieep?" thickly queried the customer. " 'Give me the cheese,' was what I said." "You don't understand," exclaimed the druggist; "1 mean that when you take the prescription, you must shake." "Shine 'em up five times?" "Yea." "Y-yes, sah!" stammered the victim, "Yes, but the word," he insisted. "I said'beso,"' replied the wife, still puzzled. When the inebriate and his friends become alarmed and begin to look about for help, the case has always reached an advanced stage and become chronic. "No; only three." "I wou't take the prescription if it's going to make me shake," objected the sustomer. "I am gwine to give yer a show. If durin' the comin' week yer kin find a job, git into some common clothes, arrange to pay yer debts an' git rid of dat ha'r ile an' perfnmy, you will still be carried on our rolls of member? hip. If not, you needn't come heah agin " another hoping it would be better. "Thinght 'twas five times. Only three, eh? Honest boy. Thas right—always be honest. Here's your money.*" Then the unfeeling missionary fairly roared with laughter. His wife had begun to think that he, too, had gone mad, when he managed to keep calm long enough to explain. It was only a mistake in the sound of one letter that she had made, 6ut it was a funnily fatal one that time. She should have said "queso" instead of "beso," and instead of asking the man servant for the "cheese" she had asked him without any qualification for a "kiss."—Louisville Times. "When you've got well beyond the shadowy line between moderate and immoderate smoking you find that your pleasant indulgence has given place to a morbid appetite. Still, you can stop if you want to—of course. He paid him thirty cents and clirjbed down and went his way, saying: "Good heavens, woman, it's the bottle you are to shake," shrieked the druggist. All mild methods and remedies are useless. A man just beginning to use spirits may sign the pledge and be helped by prayer permanently, but a few years later, when the continued use of spirits has impaired his higher brain power and made him more or less incompetent to realize his condition or to appreciate the relations which he sustains to the world and his friends, such means are largely powerless. They are not to be ignored, but are to be used experimentally with other methods. "What good will that do me?" queried the woman. "Like that boy. He might have bjjit me out of twenty cents, but he was too honestl"—New York Evening World. The pretty member returned to his chair in a state of great mental excitement, but after cooling off and thinking the matter over he told Judge (Jabiff that he had decided to stop being sweet and pretty and become one of the pillars of the club.—M. Quad in New York World. "He means, madam," said the drug gist's assistant, coming to the rescue, "that the mixture iu the bottle should be well shaken before taken." Re ansii ranee. "And now, leaving the individual alone, how about the' general public? My wife requests me to smoke in her presence because-slie loves the odor; calls it fragrant. To most women I think it is offensive, nothing more nor less, and it is the same to many men. And yet people smoke in promiscuous crowds, they smoke on the decks of steamboats, they smoke on the platforms of street cars, they puff away in the ends of parlor coaches on railroad trains until the air is dense with the vile smoke of cigars and pipes, which oozes through the separating doors and floats through the whole car, annoying, if not sickening, the other helpless passengers, who may lump it if they don't like it. It makes me hot. to think that in every streetcar, in ever/ ladies' waiting room, in every restaurant where ladies go, such signs as this must be tacked up, 'Smoking Positively Prohibited.' Good heavens! Why isn't it necea sary to say, 'Treading on Ladies' Feet Forbidden?" MI Got a Prescription, On rainy days, when Mr. Jefferson cannot work on the farm, he may often be seen in an oilskin coat digging for angleworms, while near by you will see Mr. Cleveland with an old peach can almost filled with these delicious insects. The two start off together, and are often gone all day fishing in Buzzard's bay. Buttermilk bay or some of their tributaries. Trout come down into the salt water for the shrimps and also, I judge, for the breeze and change of scene, so that often the brook trout and sea bass, mackerel, weakfish, blueflsh, etc., are caught in the same waters. All sorts of sea food, from the large, aromatic codfish of commerce to the kippered herding of the workaday world, are found here in the front dooryard of the great Comedian. I was talking to a man In Union square the other day who said he was ill, and it was natural enough to ask him why he didn't go and see a doctor. "Well, couldn't he have said so?" asked the wrathful customer as she looked a farewell suspicion at the unfortunate druggist.—Detroit Free Press. "Mr. Cleveland and his wife make good neighbors here, and he has never borrowed anything yet that he has not returned. I help him in haying and he helps me in harvest. We exchange works. I let him have my autobiography* to read and he loans me some of his most spicy old messages to congress."Property has greatly appreciated in this country since the arrival of the Clevelands, Jeffersons and Gilders. From $32 per acre paid by Mr. Charles Jefferson, the price has gone up to $250 and $300 and even to a price per front foot But fortunately the speculator will not get a chance at it, for the colony holds enought of it to keep the semibarbarism of a boom out of it. What can be sadder than the stealthy footfall of a boom in the soothing silence of the primeval forest? What can be more sacrilegious than the fizzle of a soda fountain or a fictitious value where nature has held the age on the false and the artificial for centuries? "I was at a free hospital only yesterday."Lost and Found. "Same old story of starvation, and that sort of thing," exclaimed the cook as she answered a knock at the kitchen door and found a forlorn looking tramp on the step. Nccmity the Mother of Invention. All inebriates are brain and nerve exhausted cases of necessity. Alcohol has in all cases perverted and damaged the nerve processes and functions, and debility and exhaustion with lowered vitality is always present. Such cases require positive, tangible, physical remedies. Appeals to the mind and spirituality of the man are addressed to defective and damaged powers of the brain. He must be taken out of his old surroundings, he must have new environment, new conditions, that can be regulated and anticipated by others. No matter what his life has been, he must have a change of all his conditions of life and living. This can be had most perfectly in an institution. Here he can be free from the contagion of spirits, the spirits can be kept away, and he can be protected from gratifying every morbid impulse to procure it. The diet and regularity of living can be enforced, and all the conditions of physical vigor and training can be put in force, The man must be trained back to sobriety, not driven back, or coaxed, or pledged, or converted, but taken back step by step along the line of natural laws of growth and development. His body and brain must be trained and developed as far as possible to abstain from all narcotics of every kind, of which alcohol is the most dangerous. He is sick, palsied, worn out prematurely, and needs nerve and brain rest. The failure to live a temperate life is the evidence of this. This training process has for its first object the physical development— the improvement of nutrition by regular diet of the best character; the building up of the brain by medicines, rest, change and diversion; the repair of the organs of the body by exercise and baths. The higher brain power soon feels the new life and vigor from this process, and responds to the prayer and pledge, and the efforts tn live a more rational existence."What did the doctor say?" "What you huntin' for, bub?' After the Races. "Why, sir, he looked at me a minute and then yells out, 'Run out your tongue!' I runs her out, and then he waves his hand and yells. 'All you need is fresh air—git!' " "No, cookie, old girl," he said, with a debonair manner, "you're off your atovelid this time." "Perhaps that's what you are in want of." "Well, what do yon wantF' Bbe inquired, bracing herself against the door. "Something to buy liquor with?" "Yes, perhaps so, being as I have sat here all day and slept out on a vacant lot every blessed night for a month."— New York Evening World. "Off again, cookie, thou queen of the starry firmament," he warbled, and tried to chuck her under the chin. "But are you sure, Madeline, thai there are not times when you regret our engagement?" Still On. "Git out," she screamed, "or I'll throw a kettle of hot water on you." It is rather low of course to accept of a man's hospitality and then epeak lightly of his agricnltnre, but I must say that those members of the Buzzard's Bay Farmers' Alliance, Chapter 832, whom I met, including thoee I have named, and also Mr. Booth and the Elder Couldock, did not fool me with their farmer talk for a single moment. I did kpow something about farming, so | was not permitted to join the Alliance. I was permitted, however, to look over some of the papers prepared by these gentlemen, and I Bay that if such men are to wield the balance of power in '82 the underpinning of our national fabric will become very porous indeed. , "Haven't 1 had proposals from many men—handsome, honorable, cultivated, delightful men — and yet (tenderly) didn't I choose you, dear?'—Life. "A man who can understand the effect of cigar smoke on somo women would as soon think of doing 'that as to smoVe in their presence. But smokers don't understand. Their habit has made them selfish and inconsiderate to the last degree. It is a shame." The man gazed out the window for awhile in silence before he concluded. "Prithee, Empress of the Range," he murmured, "don't do that and destroy my usefulness." She (on the piazza at evening) —What an awful large chair! 1 really feel lust in it. )| "I hea'd dey was a heap of money lost neah yis'tidy, and I's lookin' ter see ef I kain't fin' some of it."—Harper's Weekly "Well, tell me what you want, then, or leave the place." Was Sure. He—H'ml Well, if you'll let me have the other half of it, I guess I can find you!—Chicago Tribune. "You won't tell any of the boys, Pearl of Pearl river?" he asked smilingly. "I don't know any of the boys, as you call them," she snarled. Bridget O'Toole (to grocer)—If yon plase, eor, it's a pail of brown shugar, three tin pails and three shovels I'm sint afther gettin. HI* Feeling* Lacerated. The tendency for the past few years among those who have leisure and even moderate means is to foster the growth of cettage life, and to the detriment of the great, overgrown summer hotel, with its waste of piazzas and raw material, its tiddledewinks greatness, its James Crow aristocracy, its noise and newness, salt air and starvation, its fussy invalids and footpad waiters. A tourist with a greasy hat and a \vill- Ing-to-take-almost-anything expression of countenance invaded the premises o*1 a North Side family yesterday morning and knocked at the kitchen door. Wool—Have you been in the new restaurant, where they weigh you when you go in, and again when you come out, and charge by the pound for the difference?A New System. "You lovely thing," he twittered, "I fain must tell thee all." Grocer—And what can Mrs. Shoddycrat want of such a combination? Are you sure you've got the order right? . "So, while all I said at first about th* pleasure and comfort to be derived from moderate smoking is strictly true, there are other considerations which it seems to me should have greater weight than these." "Why don't you then, you dirty idiot?" she inquired with tender emphasis."I haven't any hot coffee and biscuit for you," said the woman who caine to the door. Bridget O'Toole—Av coorse I'm shure. The missis says, says she, as she can't affoord to go to the sasbore this summer, an she wants to let de children play in de 6and.—New York Herald. "Well, then, onliest only of my heart," he whispered, "I want to saw a cord of wood, a whole cord, because you see"  Van Pelt—No; is it a good place? Wool—You bet! I went in yesterday —vad Saratoga chips, dry toast and crisp bacon—five cents? Today I had corned beef and cabbage and English plum pudding, and went broke!—Smith, Gray & Co's Monthly. "So you have decided not to smoke at all?" said the man to whom all these words had been addressed. Mr. Cleveland's paper on "How to Air an Asparagus Bed" showed that the most profound statesmanship may be connected very often with the most pitiable ignorance regarding farm work. People never do have to air an asparagus bed. "You might have waited, madam, for me to introduce myself," replied the tourist.. But she didn't see; the shock was too much for her and she fainted dead away, and the lady of the house gave him half a dollar to run for a doctor. "I did not say that," replied the other, taking a cigar from his pocket and reflectively biting off the end. "I said I had come to the conclusion that it if better not to smoke at all. May I troublA you for a light?"—Morris Waite in Detroit Free Press. Why not have even a fifty dollar log cabin in the hills or a wall tent by the wailing sea in preference to all tins? I have a wall tent summer which is much larger room I ever jjad at a seaside hotel, and 1 have a prospect on the outside that money coula not buy. We have also in the North Carolina mountains a style of refrigerator foi meats that would surprise and amuse the uninitiated. It consists of a rectangular cage, covered with mosquito wire and attached to a rope. We put a pulley up in a high pine tree and run the rope flyer it- Thep we attach the refrigerator, put in our meats and pull the whole thing up in the tree. It keeps sweet and improves for a week or ten days. The reader will be tempted to disbelieve this unless he has lived in a mountain conntry and tried it "What did you mean by writing a love letter to my wife, sir?" "I don't need any introduction," she rejoined sharply. "Get back there, children. It's only a man. I suppose you're after a plate of porterhousolteak with onions on the side." Cheated. "Why shouldn't I? She's never broker} off her engagement with me yet."—Lifp. "That w'as a mean trick of that dry goods concern." "It pays better'n anything 1 ever tackled," he said softly to himself as he went out of the alley gate.—Detroit Free Press. "What did they do?" The Only Bare Tip. "Can you tell me a good thing for this •ace?' Mr. Booth, who has been visiting here tips summer, and who knows very little regarding agriculture, was admitted by card, while I was shut out. He followed Mr. Cleveland's paper with a discussion regarding "Spring and Fall Application of Mayonnaise Dressing in the CuJtivatioriof Asparagus." When people talk that way about growing simple garden truck and are given a life membership in the Alliance, whilst one like pysel1" who farmed it successfully as long as his wife's money held out, and Who, therefore, ought to know something regarding agriculture, is not permitted to join the debate, it naturally has a tendency to embitter one. "Advertised 'Circulars Given Away Today,' and all the women within ten miles went down to get one. When they got there they found the circulars were printed ones, and not cloaks."—Harper's Bazar. Willie SlimsC i—Say, ma, you know that piece of cake you put in my coat pocket this morning? Well, while 1 was going to school, a big boy came up and wanted to lick me. Vffll Armed. "No, ma'am, I don't insist"  "Oh, you don't! You'd be satisfied, would you, with a bowl of good oatmeal and sweet cream?" "I can give you something for place, a sure winner." "What?" Nine In German Not Even One In English Mother — How was Professor Von Thump's piano recital? T[a talented amateur)—Oh, it was glorious! He broke three strings.— Good News. In the Realm of High Art. Although she was German she spoke English almost perfectly, but under emotion she naturally fell into the use yf her mother tongue. "Home." ■New York Herald. "Yes, ma'am. Fd be very thankful!"—Mrs. Slimson—Dear me, you bad boy, I suppose you got whipped as usual. Willie—No 1 didn't. 1 fired the cake at him.—Clothier and Furnisher. "Well, I haven't any. How would lome stewed asparagus and a cup of chocolate strike you?" Verdant Surroundings. When They Sprinkle. Uncle Josh—What's that thing? City Nephew—That's a sprinkling cart. Uncle Josh — It don't seem to be sprinklin much. "WiH you give me a kiss?" he pleaded, gently bending over her. "Very much. Everything is so beautifully green there—the woods, the fields and the college boys—that it almost makes a New York girl feel green too." —Munsey's Weekly. "How do you like Bar Harbor?" Applied Mechanics. "Thai would suit me exactly." She raised a startled and indignant face to his. A Universal Product. Quester—Since 1 built that conservatory my wife has been crazy to have one side of it filled with palms. Do you know of any that is indigenous to the temperate zone? A Dead Certainty. "Haven't anything of the kind in the house. Would you like some minced tlams on toast, or planked whitefisli with ftaked potatoes, or a strawberry shortoake and vanilla ice cream with"-— City Nephew—Wait till it gets to • crossing.—Good News. Kingley—Hello! what have you got your best clothes on for. and that red rose in your buttonhole? "Nine!" she exclaimed in wrathy negr ative. "Nine!" 'repeated he, stepping back and gazing at her in mock surprise. "Nine! I'd think myself lucky if I could get one.!"—New York Press. Style versus Comfort. He Wouldn't Like It. Bingo—1 just told my wife I was going fishing. Mrs. De Style (first day on a farm)— Horrors! Our host is going to eat dinner in his shirt sleeves. "Wouldn't it be lovely if a plate of ice cream should come right up through the floor?" said Maud. Ha«p«lTTAMcC , ' On«CR» _ Looking over the United States, it is wonderful how health and pleasure resorts have built up within a few years. From the east to the west, from the north to the south the coast and the hills are freckled with cottages and inns for those who have learned that a change of air is better than the entire pharmacopoeia. "Madam," interposed the tourist, pulling up the dejected remains of a shirt collar and straightening himself up, "I same here with the intention of accepting anything in the shape of cold victuals or even warmed over grub left from yesterday that you might have to offer. You have chosen to tantalize me ind \o wound my feelings. I wish yon to understand distinctly, madam," he wid, folding his arms and looking at her with superb scorn, "that I don't want the earth." Jester—Oh, yes. There is one palm that flourishes in any climate. Quester—What is it, pray? Jester—The "Itching palm."—Boston Courier. Kingley—Ha, hal catch anything? Bingo—1 do when 1 get home.—Clothier and Furnisher. Do you expect to "No," returned Charles. "I should hate to have a coolness spring up between us."—Harper's Bazar. A Reacue that Mr. De Style (mopping his forehead)— Thank heaven! Then I can too.—New York Weekly. A Good Fellow. At the Menagerie. "I say, Bill," said one summer philos opher to another, as they lay beneath a spreading tree, "did yer ever turn yer attention to literatoor any?" "I should say so." His Mmic. "You know Bill Savery, don't you?" "Yes I know him." Both CoulCl I'lay It. Smart Young Man (to attendant)—I'm thinking of starting a show myself. Got anybody here that can tell me how to run it? Young Mrs. Squizzle was remonstrating with her husband, a dissipated spendthrift, for his conduct. Nantasket beach, the Coney island oi Boston, is a beautiful stretch of shore, Mving 4pot» Boston harbor. 1 saw a wagon load of young men on the Jerusalem road who had bpen up to Nantasket nnd Improved their health ro much that they spoke about it in high terms to every one they met, even stopping h good many carriages to tell jovfnllv «nCl yet with ill guided elocution and confused rhetoric, how the sea air had benefitted tbeifl, The following d$y they followed up their dietetio course with twelve hours gentle exercise in macadamizing the roads of Cohasset, returning at night with a healthy glow and in Charge of an officer. "Good fellow, isn't he?" "Maybe so, but there is more fellow than there is good abont him."—Texas Siftings. "Dear wifey," said he, "1 am like the prodigal son; 1 shall reform by ami by.'" Attendant (who has met all kinds of animals)—Well, you may be able to get some points from that porcupine over there.—Chicago Tribune. ••What's the longest sentence you ever run across?" He raised his hat, made a profound •jow, sniffed the air as if to ascertain whether the wind was blowing from the lirection of any eligible kitchen in the teighborhood, and strode grandly away. -Chicago Tribune. Mrs. Sqaizzle replied, "I will be liks the prodigal son, too, for I will arise and go to my father."—Texas Sittings. "Ten years," was the unhesitating reply.—Washington Post. Indirect but Potent. Carr—His will power is wonderful, he says. He (in the boat, excitedly)—What can I do to help you? She (in the water, calmly)—Stay in th« bwit.—«Jlunsey'B Weekly. Pielsticker—Vat's all dat echreechm' \pont, Gretchec? Malting a Fresh Start. Client—Vour fee is exorbitantdidn't take you a day to do the work. No Faith in Banks. Dunn—Yes; I've known him to cure insomnia by determining to keep awake. —Smith. Grav & Co.'s Monthly. Anything to the Crowd. A Paragon. Mrs. Pielsticker—Dem twins vos peen pad again, nnt I shpanks dem.—Frank Leslie's Tllnstrated Old Lady—It just makes me laugh to see the way these banks are bursting up. It doesn't hurt me any, I can tell yon. He—Yes, darling, and it shall be the purpose of my life to surround you with every comfort and to anticipate and gratify your every wish. Lawyer—It is my regular fee. | am not charging you for time, but for the cost of my legal education. Willing to Fleaae. Jldlned His Huslness. There was a fellow over on West Madison street the other after afternoon. A Firry Difference. fUQM WHAT I 001 HEAB ON THB QDT- Mrit —Even if you are just out of prison tfoat does not prevent you from going to work. Friend—Haven't you any money in banks? She—How good of you, Harry I And all on twelve dollars a week too!—Boston Transcript Mrs. Sanctus— 1 am astonished to learn that so many of the congregation were wearied by Mr. Overzeal's discourse last evening. 1 thought he was fired with his subject. Client— Well, give me a reoeipt for the cost of your education, so the next fellow won't have to pay for it too.—Life. Old Lady—No, indeedy. I invested all I had in a flying machine.—Good News. "■Spelling books! ladies and gentlemen!" lie shouted, for a little crowd had gathered "This is a book for every one. the book for everywhere, the book, the book!" Mr. Gilder read a paper regarding the "Rotation of Crops" and described a new machine by the use of which he thought that crops could be given a rotary motion. From this the discussion became general and gradually drifted into literature and the use of fresh liver and cod's heads for crabbing purposes. The use of iambic versification and the chub rod took up the attention of the Alliance for the rest of the evening. Prom what 1 moid hear on the outside, I judge that th&e men knew no more regarding the pses and abuses of agriculture than dp the Sockless Simpson and the umbrageous Peflfer. Mr. Couldock showed how the farmer Buffered, how he was trodden into the earth and ill treated till his life was not worth living. He said that it is a dog's life. He showed that the farmer is reviled secretly by the politician and hoodwinked at the polls, ground doro by the money lender and skinned by* the merchant, ridiculed by the comic papers and lied about by the ullcomic papers* flayed by the lawyers and then barbecued by the fruit tree oeddler. bunkoed Dusty Rhodes—It do, mum; they cul mjr hair find my business is ruined. Mrs. Dogood—What business were you in? Taken at HU Word. Boston doea not seem so deathly quiet in midsummer as New York. While the hot weather reduces the speed of pedestrians on Washington street somewhat, I succeeded in getting a shoulder knocked off before breakfast as I was hurrying down to the common for a brisk walk and also to see the parched and feverish frog pond, hoping that at that hour I might find it moist, with mayhap 5 frog in it{3q«ton used to be called UUawmut b7 fhe entomological red brother. It was afterward called Tremont, pronounced IVemmont. This pronunciation when it gets as far as Pittsburg becomes Treemont and at Chicago, Tremont. The Age of Invention. A Safe Refuge. Mr. Gruffly—Indeed. Well, 1 thought he ought to have been.—Boston Courier, Mrs. McPump—My goodness! The city council has ordered that all milk shall be tested by the Beatall Milk Tester." Governor of Jail—What, Schmiedecke, you here again? We only let yon Cwt a month ago! He tossed it np in the air and caught it as it fell; went on: "The book for everybody, see? Encyclopedia of eighty pages —recipes for every dish that was eveT cooked—all the new dishes that never were cooked—formula for the toothache —agreeable stories for old women—a treatise for young women on the art of getting husbands—how to cure a soft corn without amputation—how to plant cabbages when the moon is not full— how to breed rabbits—how ta interpret dreams—how to tell fortunes—how to get a divorce—how to reckon up the interest on a mortgage—the lDDok for everybody!" Dusty Rhodes—The Circassian  line, mum.—New York Sun. Mr. McPump (milk dealer)—That's all "Dnht. I invented that tester mvself.— Convict—Yes, sir; but I am so fright ened at the influenza which has broken Cut everywhere that I have come back again.—Dorfbarbier Luck. A Sleeping Car. •'The longest sleeper I ever saw WM on a western train." The Delicate Dutle—Did you bet at the waces, deah boy? The Harioonlea. The Devilish Dade—Of kawse 1 did. 1 bet Nellie Nessclrode a pair of gloves that she couldn't name the winnah out of a bunch of eleven 2-year-olds; and, by Jove!—do you know, I won?—Life. Mrs. Brickrow—Of all things! Why are you sitting put on the fpof barebead* cid this scorching day? "I didn't know that any one could sleep long on a western train." Bottom Facts. "Tli»t is true enough; this sleeper WM the car I was lying awake in."—Lowell Briggs—You know old bachelor Dingle, who lived in a house with no one but two servants? I hear he has got niarried. Griggs—You don't tell me, he do that for? Miss Brjckrow—I want to bronse up my face so I can wear my yachting cap this afternoon.—New York Weekly. Miss Jenny (coldly)—Don't you think that's rather far fetched? Citizen, Smithers (gallantly)—I'd bring it from farther than that to please yon.—Harper's Bazar. What did Happy Thought. Vafi Duiler—Suggest a cawstume fat* me to wear at a fancy dress ball. The professional singer may not bt always enthusiastic in the pursuit of hie avocation, but the dancer throws hD whole sole into his business.—New Yori Press. OoIhk Into It with • Will. A Supposition Confirmed. "Jim, did that clock str;ka 10 or 11?" asked Barnaby. "Yes, sir," returned the darky. "Yes what, you rascal?" "It struck 10 or 11."—'Truth. Briggs—I understand that he wanted some one to do his housework.—Brook- Brooklyn T.ifn Cutting—Why not go disguised as a man?—Munsey's Weekly. It really means trimountain, because it was located on the tops of three hills. He Wouldn't Waste the Money. And after all this "spiel" no one bought a book. The herdic is a favorite relaxation in Boston among the middle classes. 1 have fought With cabmen in all countries, but never got hold of one that 1 could whip till I came to Boston this time. You always know when you get into a herdic that you will not only have She—These flowers are ju3t lovely, but (—mamma thinks it is not right for me to accept such gifts unless—unless we were engaged. A Possibility. Sympathy. Manama, do dogs and cats go to heaven?"The fakir looked over th® orowd witk disgust that could not be disguised. Seedy Individual—Can't yer let me have a dime, boss? Young Wife—What do you think of my pie crnst, Jack? Not Loneiome. Perhaps. "Ladies and gentlemen," be remarked, "I forgot to mention that in this incomparable book there is a blank page—for those who cannot read!"—Chicago Tribune.Dressy Individual—H'in! gins at home. Charity be- Jaglets—Aren't you rather lonesome down at your place by the sea? Waglets—No; people keep dropping in all the time.—Dramatic Mirror. . He—Well, I guess it is a go. Those flowers cost fifteen dollars and it seems a pity to have the money thrown away. The fact that a man has not cut hi» hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric, He may be bald.—Chicago News. "No, dear." Jack (who doesn't wish to be as severeas the case warrants)—Very nice, my dear, but didn't you get-the shortening; in lengthwise?—Dramatic Mirror. "Well, then, mamma, let'adont scoM them any more if they lie awake nights and cry."—Washington Star. Seedy Individual—Well, if yer don't mind, then, mister, I'll walk wid yer to yer door.—Texas Siftinys.