Pittston Gazette

              -T ( Oldest Newsoaoer iD the Wyoming Valley PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, JUNE 5, 18!)I. A Weeidy Local and Family louraal. breast of the waiter. I do not think that a man should do that way. It hurts the public confidence and shakes our faith in values. DR. DEPEW'S STORY should obey a higher and noDler principle than that." GEMS IN VERSE. NYK STILL "ONG ROOT." THE AWKWARD NOT ALWAYS SIMPLE, coat a huge cutlass, and advanced upon the girl, who now turned to fly. ON TfiE BRINK. worstest dream aat 1 eber oremptl all in cold blood!" "What was it?" lze How the WorJd Moved When lie Win "Well, mamma, I hadn't thought of it just in that way before. I can see now that I have been led unwittingly into a fault which neither right nor reason can sanction." An Overroundt-iit Mun Uuys a Little "It is of no use!" he said, in a harsh, grating voice. "Tho door is locked and the key is in my pocket. Do not undertake to cry out. If you do I shall smother you with this!" And he snatched his overcoat from the chair on which it hung and held it threateningly over her. Theoi* la One Thing nnd Economy la Where Is the Flag of England? And the winds of the world made answer. Yesterday several acquaintances met in my room, and ouecof them, a Lotos club man, desired to extend the hospitalities of my room. So he rang the bell, aud a good looking bell boy with light hair and dark eyes, with handsome dark brows and a sad expression, came to answer the call. Dr. Depew told a railroad story at t meeting of the railroad branch of tht Young Men's Christian association ir their building on Madison avenue. Cor nelius Vanderbilt wa$ present. The doc tor had been speaking of the change pro duced in men's manners and their different ways of doing business since thC invention of modern transportation. Voting. Kt^ei'icnce, Another. "Drempt dat I had sich a sore frost I couldn't swaller, an' de ole  brought hum two chickeSs, some yarns an' a possum, an' don cooked an' eat-de hull outfit wid me sittin' right daran' not able to open my moufl Lawd save me, but didn't I suffer when I saw-de las' of dem chickens gwine down her old froat!"—Detroit Free Press. A F£W THINGS HE NOTICED AS An awkward looking man walked somewhat timidly up to tho hotel clerk and asked if Artnand Withersbee was in his room. Mr. Slimpur3e—Of course I'll take yon to the opera this evening if you wish it, my dear; but—er—it seems to me as we're so soon to be married we ought to be thinking of selecting a home of some kind, and about the furniture and so on, you know. North, south and oast and west: "Wherever there's wealth to covet. HE WENT ALONG, Or land that can be poekess'd; Wherever are savage races Tho mother's eyes filled with tears. To cozen, cocrce and scare. Ye shall find the vaunted ensign. Oh*t» ■ «s Which the Lecturer Oceaslou- allv Meet*—Look Out for the Qulro "And you will never use slang again?" she said, bending forward and kissing the soft white forehead of her child. "Artnand Withersbee?" replied the hotel clerk. "Don't know him." "Hasn't he a room here?" asked the man. The truth flashed upon the horror struck girl. She was alone with a madman I For the English flag is there! Man—A Texas Train Romance aud the "You bet your sweet life, I won't," exclaimed the impulsive girl, and was silent.—Detroit Free Press. Whence African victims fly, To be shot by explosive bullets. "Aye, it waves o'er the blazing hovels Song of a (•rieco-Romaa Irishman. "Did you ring?" he asked in a low, tremulous tone. "No." In times of deadly peril the brain, unless paralyzed with terror, acts with lightning like quickness. Dear Girl—Oh, my thoughts are occupied with the future constantly, and J am studying up all about how to make Louie pleasant, and I watch the ways of married ladies «very time I go out. I saw three today going into an intelligence office, and it struck me at once that it was a much better plan than one going alone. Ono can always find friends in need of servants, you know, and we can just make up a little intelligence office party, you know, and all go together when we want new cooks and chambermaids and butlers and footmen and dressing maids and  (Copyright, 1801, by Kdgar W. Nye.] Ong Root. "Yes, I did," said the visitor. "Now fly around, Johnny, and ask the gentlemen what they will have." "You can have no notion, you younp men in the audience," continued the doc tor, "how slow people used to be. Tliert "i-as an old man up in Peekski!!, where ] us«d to live, who used to be known ;u the 'Village Oracle.' Of all the place! in the village where the Oracle loved tx spout, the corner grocery was the dear est to him. There he would frit on s cracker barrel and solve, off hand, thC knottiest political problems of the day. One day I entered the grocery and founc the Oracle tearing to pieces the constitu tion of New York state. It ought to Ix amended so that a certain power mighi be delegated to the federai government I was fresh from my law studies, anc waa able to tell hira that the state con Btitution did convey that identical func tion to the federal government. HC doubtod it, and said he would consul: the learned authorities on the point wher he got time. He had the books at homo. "Not parlor D, on the second floor?" he gasped, as he mopped his face with a handkerchief and produced a check for $100, payable to "Armand Withersbee," drawn on the Fourth National bank. All Went Oat. Prospective Beau—Hnllo, Bobby; li your sister in? Bobby—Nope. P. B.—Your ma? Bobby—Nope. P. B.—Your pa? " Or to wretchedly starve and diel And where the beachoombcr harries Asiitheru Missouri is one of the most us sections of the United States. An inspiration born of despair flashed through the brain of Eureka Plumduff. The isles of the southern sea. At the peak of his hellish vessel A mayor of a small village in France, having occasion to give a passport to a distinguished personage in his neighborhood, who was blind of an eye, waa in great embarrassment on coming to the description of his person. Fearful of offending tho good man, he adopted the following ingenious expedient of avoiding tho mention of his deformity: Described. Tig the English flag flies free. ! tun-! S.tt'ly admit that I did not know it. I. iD a region built up ahuost entirely hi not' tbe war, and therefore is peopled by a thrifty and cosmopolitan people who are not content to live upon their reminiscences and relatives. With a two story soil bearing untold wealth in grains and fruits at the surface, and beneath stored with lead and zinc for the whole world, it is not surprising that this section smiles at the pinching poverty and the short commons of other lands. "All right," said the pensive lad, as he put a little of my Edenia on his handkerchief. "I will ask them what they'll have, but 1 don't propose to pay for it. I want it understood that I act merely as yottr agent in the matter." "George," she said calmly, "I shall not resist. I am willing to die. But before you do this dreadful deed let me say just one word." **Tis Maori full oft hath cursed it "Did he tell you he lived here?" asked the clerk. With his bitterest dying breath, And the Arab has hissed his hatred As he spits at its folds in death. The hapless Fellah has feared it "Yes," answered the man, "and he promised to be here at 7 p. m. sharp, to repay me the forty dollars he borrowed from me!" "I will give you thirty seconds!" he answered hoarsely. Bobby—Nope. They all wentout and left me alone with the fire, but that's gone out too. On Tel-el-Kebir's parched plain. Ami the Zulu's blood has stained it Sometimes these bell boys are quite bright that way. "In the 6treet outside, George," she said, "I hear a boy calling out, 'Evening Tomahawk, extra edition! All about the"'  With a deep, indelible stain. "Been lending him money, eh?' P. B.(sarcastically)—Ah, yes; I thought I saw the fire escape through the window as I entered,—Brooklyn Eagle. "It has floated o'er scenes of pillage. This letter is peculiarly rambling, and so I venture to refer here to a singular circumstance which I witnessed in the cars last week. An elderly man got on at Jasper. He was going to Archy. The less people travel the more they are overcome and horrified with a short journey. From the fuss made over it yon would have thought that this man was going to the Holy Land to visit the home of some of the broad hnmorists of the Oil Testar ment. He stood in the door ar.d kissed nine grown 1 up women in an explosive way, and said goodby to them with real tears in his eyes. He was a kind old man, with a faded place on the back of his neck where his long hair had shaded it all winter, but where tbe barber had been at work and (L.ed him all up. "Black eyes, one of which is absent." —London Tit-Bits. - "Why, yes; but he gave mo good security. I wouldn't lend money to a man I had only known for a few hours without good security. He gave me this check for $100." It has flaunted o'er deeds of shame. It has waved o'er the fell marauder The young man darted to the door, unlocked ;t in a flash, and, as he tumbled down the stairway three steps at a time, his voice rang through the building with the frantic outcry: "But, my dear, you said you c-juldget along with one girl." As he came with sword and flame; Well Preserved. Punleigh—I saw a well preserved mnn last night. A Lucky Breakage. And massacres dire and grim; It has heard the shrieks of the victims It has looked upon ruthless slaughter, "Well, y-e-s, so I did; but I really can't see how we can manage with only one, though of course I'm willing to try. And then" mere's another thing I've noticed. Married ladies have so many purchases to make that instead of'running around to all the stores in the neighborhood they have the dealers send clerks around twice a day for orders. Isn't it cute?" "You are really not careful enough, Johannl That is another glass yonh*T8 broken this week." Drown even the Jingo hymn. |DOOR.1 \NCt "How much did you lend him on it?" "Forty dollars." Mrs. P.—How old was he? "Hold on, there, boy! Wa-a-a-aitl What's the sco-o-o-ore?"—Chicago Tribune."•Eh, ma'am, but I've 'teen lucky time!" "Where is the flag of England? Seek the lands where the natives rot; Where decay and assured extinction Punleigh—I didn't ask him. It was at the grocer's, and he had fallen into a pail of jelly,—Kate Field's Washington. "The bank was closed and he had to i,ct the money somewhere at once to meet a pressing claim, eh?" "Lucky?" Must soon be the people's lot. Go! search for the once glad islands "Why, yes, that was it exactly. How did you know it?" The Truth About It. "Yes; because it is only broken in fen pieces. You've no idea, ma'am, what titrable it is picking op the little bitsT— Etoile Beige. Where disease and death are rife. And the greed of callous commerce Now battens on human life! "I came to New York," continued thC doctor, "and spent a pretty busy ter years, and never happened to meet tht Oracle again in the grocery„ but one day [ found him declaiming, as h» had beer declaiming ten years previously, fron the head of a cracker barrel, to i crowc of villagers. And he was at saraC idea—that the constitution ought to lx Amended. A Compromise. "Yes,' said the man in the cutaway, "yes, it was the same old story. He was a fine looking young fellow, ambitious to rise in his profession, the soul of honor and entirely without guile, and she seemed to be gentle, 'winning and refined; in short, all that a woman should be. How could it have been otherwise than that he should be attracted toward her? Ho fought against this passion, but it was useless. One day when they were .alone he told his love, and she"  He—I wish you would sing that dear old 6ong, "Backward, Turn Backward, O Time, in Thy Flight." "Hear of them every day," replied the ;lerk, "and see victims." "Victims?" "Where is the flag of England? Go! sail where rich galleons come With shoddy and 'loaded' cottons. And beer and Bibles and rum. Go, too, where brute force has triumphed. And hypocrisy makes its lair. And your question will find its answer. For the flag of England is there!" • —London Truth. "Um—there'll be only two of us, and perhaps I can attend to the small household purchases." Sweet Girl—I might wake mother up by singing, but I will turn the clock back, if that will News. A GC mine Surprise. "Yes, victims. You're one of them." "How's that?" "That wouldn't do, my dear. I haven't ■seen any gentlemen attending to such things. It's all done by clerks and orders—so simple, you know, and so satisfactory. It couldn'thelp being. By the Way. Mrs. De Rich won't have a coachman with a beard, and I suppose we must follow the f-tshion, although it's a silly one." "You've been swindled." "Me swindled?" The Sliama of It. Customer—Why did you take your boy away from school? He was all excited with the prospect, and after lie had kissed quite a largo delegation of his neighbors he came in with his black enameled valise, containing his other vest and some doughnuts, and as the train started up he gave a lurch and sat down in the lap of a middle aged lady who was holding a little bracket made of a cigar box with a jackknife. It took six long months in the uncertain light of th-i penitentiary for her son to make this for his widowed mother, and when ho was executed a fortnight ago he left it with many a bitter tear upon it, for her. "Yes, you. You ought to know better than to lend money to casual acquaintances you may make in this great city. You must learn to keep your eyes open and read the newspapers. It's a pretty rank greenhorn that would be taken in by that old dodge." " 'But, uncle,' I said, 'don't you re member I told you ten years ago that th« constitution already contained that pro vision?' The Flag of England. KIPL.INQ'8 ANSWER TO LONDON TRUTH. Winds of the World, give answer! They are Grocer—They were ruining him Why, they were trying to teach him that sixteen ounces make a pound!"— Muasey'a Weekly. "And she," broke in one of the party, who had been listening to the speaker with bated breath, "and she refused him, and he turned about with a groan and left her forever. His life was crush ed; he"  whimpering to and fro— And what should they know of England who -% only England know? " 'Did ye?' said the old man " 'Yes,' I replied, 'and you said yot would look it. up in the constitution foi yourself.' "Coachman, my dear? We can't keep a carriage.'" The poor little street bred people that vapor and fume and brag, They are lifting their heads in the stillness to yelp at the English Flag. A Calumny. "I'll thank you not to call me a greenhorn, sir," replied the man in an angry tone; "I'm no fool, I can tell you. I can read character in the face. This Mr. Withersbee struck me as an honest man. and I'm sure he'll come here to redeem his check." "Do tho Russians really eat candle?" asked a Washington lady of the Russian ambassador. "No, I forgot. Of course we can't Not right off, anyway, because there'll srDcli a lot of furniture to buy, and you know everything will have to be real old antique, and that's awfully expensive. I've already picked out the parlor table. It is in the De Grabber collection, and was made for Louis XTV himself." " 'Mebby I did, inebby I did,' he re plied, 'but I hain't had time yet to bun: it up.'"—New York World. "Not a bit of it," said cutaway; "she accepted him and they were married two or three months afterward, and have ever since lived a happy, contented humdrum sort of life."—Boston Transcript. The North Wind blew: "From Bergen my steel shod vanguards go; I chase your lazy Whalers home from the Disko floe; By the Great North Lights above me I work the will of God, "No, madam," was the reply, "it is a calumny, a tallow calumny, so to speak." —Texas Siftings. GETTING INTO THE HALL. le—I'm ready now, Jack. Joplin is a thrifty town in the midst of this fruit, grain and mineral belt. It is a good town, but the hall where we "obliged" was not a very pleasant one in some respects. It was a partially reformed rink, with an overshot stage entrance. We entered by means of a little side door, about eight feet above the street grade, in a burglarious way. I stood on Mr. Burbank's shoulders, and after sawing off the bolt of the door we managed to break in. Anybody who can get into the stage entrance of a theater will generally have very little trouble in getting into most any secret society. Adding Insult to Injury. "Bet you he doesn't," said the clerk. Jack—Impossible! Vniy, only five minutes ago you said you'd be ready in five minutes!—Munsey's Weekly. The venerable widower crushed it when he fell, and a mourn came up from the sore heart of the boy's lonely mother. Quite a number of thoughtless people laughed when they heard the little bracket go by the board, but they would not if they had known its sorrowful history.1  A Rule witli Him. "I am not a betting man," replied the other, "but I'm going to sit here awhile and wait for Mr. Withersbee." II* Chiuc to Time. And the liner splits on the ice field or the Dogger fills with cod. "You have only given me a quarter, sir!" complained the waiter. A big man and a little ma?} had a wat of words on Congress street, west, the other day. Tho V»if? man dared the little man to tackle him for a cent or any other sum of money which he might care to put up, but the latter answered: "Don't you think, my dear, that at the •tart a plainer table might do?" No Clew. "The lean white bear hath seen it in the long, long Arctic night. The musk ox knows the standard that floota "That's right," replied Snooper, cheerfully; "I never do anything by halves." —Epoch. "All right," answered the clerk. "Sit The dismal squawking of a pullet lifted off the perch at midnight caused a patrolman to investigate a dark alley off Croghan street the other night. He found a shed door open, feathers about and a sack on the ground, and as he proceeded through the alley to the next street he came upon a man whose muddy shoes excited his suspicions. The man sat down, and kept his eyes steadily on the door for half an hoar, "Still think he's going to come, eh?" sneered the clerk. down." "Oh, this is perfectly plain—it's startling in its simplicity But, my goodness, I forgot to tell you of the fashion for married ladies. It's too cunning for anything. It isn't in style to carry purees any more. All we take is one of those long, slim, queer little books that you buy at banks, and pay everything by check. Isn't it sweet? And just think, you can get a book of fifty checks for ten cents!"—New York Weekly. What is the Flag of England? Ye have bat my the Northern Light; bergs to dare. A v. tING SEQUENCE. "No, sir! I will bide my time! I can wait r Ye have but my drifts to conquer. Go forth, for it is therer' The farmer apologized over and over again, and his tenderness made the widow weep a little more till she had to tell him the sad story, and then she showed him a paper. He wiped off his specs eight times before he got through with it Then he bought the widow a big red apple, and when the brakeman howled "Archy!" he did not get out, but went past with the widow toward her home. Possibly in the Indian summer of her life she will bles3 the day when the gentle hearted amateur traveler sat down on the poor little bracket, and he also will*ee&se to regret it. (Juien Sabf —as the feller says. Here's a vision of the spring— This spring; Lovely maiden in a swing- Rope swing; In a pown of fluffy white, winning like a merry sprite; ttoM-buda in her golden hair, v ret hui! young and very fair. She's a vision, . ::te elysian; • cc her there— Ah, so fair. Lolling in her swinging chair, Hiant beauty everywhere! »**•*« Tliat today, and this tomorrow; That the joy, and this the sorrow: The gown of white Is out of sight, And in its stead A feather bed; And with her nose She sadly blows A wistful weird cadenza. Con moto influenza. Which almost ends herl —\V. J. Lampton in Detroit Free Pree». "Going to hit me with a brickbat some dark night, are you?" "No, sir! I shall take a manly revenge.''The South Wind sighed: "From the Virgins my midsea course was ta'en Over a thousand islands lost in an idle main. Where the eea egg flames on the coral and the long backcd breakers croon Their endless ocean legends to the lazy, locked lagoon. "Yes. I ain't going to abandon my faith in human nature yet. He'll come." "Bet you ten dollars he don't," said th£ clerk tantalizingly. "Well, 111 risk it," replied the man. "Who'll hold the stakes?" "Write a letter to my girl, eh?" "No, sir! I am going to California. When I get there I shall box up a stone weighing about twenty pounds and send it to you by express, C. O. D. It will cost yon about fourteen dollars to pay the charges." ' 'See here, old man, I believe you were after tens down there!" he exclaimed. Carthago is a very handsome and thrifty town, with almost every industry contributing to it, from the sedentary methods of agriculture to the healthful toil of life insurance. The rock ribbed earth is filled with marble and beautiful building stone to which there seems to be no limit. The quarries are not even able to fill their orders for St. Louis alone, and every farmer has a zinc or lead mine back of his barn. I have been told that half the lead and more than half the zinc output of the U ui ted States comes from this region, and yet, above it all the earth is rich in waving grain, the sky sheds health and vigor, the climate is cooler in summer than Minnesota, and in winter warmer than many southern localities. This opinion is given without hope of stock in a zinc mine or a choice corner near the postoffice at- Carthage. Carthage is the most versatile town I have seen for many a day. I also showed there. The popcorn privilege was sold at this point for a good price, and when the lecture was over the floor was white with this cheering but non-inebriating vegetable. It was also at this place that we had the singular stage escape, which consisted of a scuttle hole at the back of the dais. One had to bow pleasantly to the audience, dodge a rafter over the door, and scoot down a chute behind the American flag, which served as a dressing room. If you have never tried to look pleasant at an audience while you had a lump on the back of your head as big as the bump of self esteem on the brow of a bantam, you cannot well understand the effort required at such a time in order to "oblige." "Nov Bah! No, sah! You's dun made a mistake, sah," was the reply. "How'd you get so muddy?" "Was walkin' in de road, sah." "Um! Is this your sack?' "No, sah! Nebber sot eyes on dat sack afore.'' "My basking soafish know It, and wheeling albatross. Where the lone wave fills with fire beneath the Southern Cross. "Say, mister, don't you know you cat be arrested for swimmin' in there?'— Judge. "The elevator boy," said the clerk. Two ten dollar bills were put up, and the man sat down to wait again. Before ten minutes had elapsed a man bustled in, went straight up to the clerk, and threw down a card on which was engraved "Armand Withersbee." A plain looking man from the north woods Lad been two days at a Detroit hotel when he was asked for his bill, and offered a check of $25 on a local bank in payment. An Exception. What is the Flag of England? Ye have but my reefs to dare, Vo have bat my seas to furrow. Go forth, for it is there!" In "Sahsiety." Two immense, jet black women in gor geous plaid dresses, red and blue anc yellow bonnets and imitation moukej hair shoulder capes, boarded a Detroit street car the other day, each with a hug« market basket on her arm. "But I won't receive it." "Oh. 3*es, you will. Curiosity to know \vhat is in the box will be too strong for you. You'll take it quick enough, and my revenge will be complete," "Don't you see that sign?" demanded the clerk, pointing to a placard which announced that no checks would be cashed or money lent. "Then you don't know anything about the matter?" The East Wind roared: "From the Kurlies, tha Bitter Seas, I come, And me men call the Home Wind, for I bring the English home. Look—look well to your shipping! By the breadth of my mad typhoon i. swept your close packed Praya and beached your best at Kowloon! "Has anybody been asking for me?" he said. Then without waiting for an answer he turned about and let his eye fall on the man who had the check. With an exclamation of pleasure he saluted him, excused his lateness, produced forty dollars in crisp bills, handed them over, procured his check for $100 and invited the lender to drink. "Not precisely, sah. All I know is dat about a month ago a third cousin of mine observed dat chickens was thirteen cents a pound." "That doesn't help me any." "No, sah, an' now dat I look cluser at dat nack it 'pears to me to b'long to a gem Ian who traded me a pistil fur a dawg. Like to help you onravel the myetery, sah, but de third cousin has dun moved away, de gem'lan is dead, de dawg run'd off an' de pistil busted. Got to be goin', sah—good night."—Detroit Free Press. "See here, old fellow," remarked the big lzjrn after a moment's thought, "I was too fast. I have wronged you, and [ beg your pardon. Let's shake and make up!" Dropping into their seats with th« baskets at their feet, one of them said U the other in a weary tone; "But my funds are in the bank," protested the guest. "Then draw 'em out." "La, Mis' Wintah bottom, how ti'ed 3 is 6b all dis heah sahsiety. I'se jess beer on de lope all wintah. I'se plum sick o it!" "But this check is all right, and if you will accept it I shall be much obliged*'' The clerk turned to the telephone, called up the bank and asked: "The desert dust hath dimmed It, the flying wild ass knows, I*he scared white leopard wind* it across the taintleea snows. What la the flag of England? Ye have but njy sun to dare, Ve have but my sands to travel. Go forth, for it is there!" And they shook.—Detroit Free Press. Editor Mortimer Clugston, formerly of the Doodleville Yelper, hut late of the Boomville Thunderbolt, Bat iu his saneturn engaged in a severe mental struggle with a poem that lay on the table before him. It was written by a young lady who signed herself "May Belle," and waa to the effect that they cannot choose but wait at the old familiar gate, going home; the words are low and sweet, but the old gate is discreet, going home. Long they linger, long they stand at the gateway, hand in hand, going home; what the words so sweet and low only they and gate do know, in the gloam. "Good night!" "Good night?" they say, but all the longer stay, going home; till darkness hides from sight of gate and all their last good night, in the gloam, etc. Bolllug It Down. The clerk looked on in amazement, while the awkward man reached for the elevator boy, got the twenty dollars, declined to drink, took the arm of Mr. Withersbee and marched oat with him triumphantly. It is related that at a recent sham battle a young lieutenant, posted with his company behind a wall, ordered his meii to fire at a detachment of troops who were marching by. lie Knew the Enemy. "I is, too, Mis' Snow. I'se jess been C gallopin' to dis an' a raciq' ter dat dC . hull endoorin' time. An' I nebbah cam much fo' sahsiety nohow." "Haa any money with yon?" "Yes." "What's his check good for?' "Wait a minute. Hello!" "Well?" *ba West Wind called: "In squadrons the thoughtless galleons fly (hat bear the wheat and cattle lest street bred people die. "Nor I. I ain't no wish ter be a sahsiety pusson, lint hit jesa seems like om got ter go or else 'fend one's fren's. ] fiebbah did care fo' sahsiety. Ob co'se ) like ter see my fren's, but when hit comet ter dis reg'lar fash'uable sahsiety I beer in all wintah I don't go mnch on hit." As they passed out they had an indescribable, but unmistakable air of comradeship about them that made the clerk kick himself and exclaim angrily: "Done again, by jiminy! Pals, of course! I might have known it!"—New York Tribune.The guns were loaded with blank cartridges, and no harm was done; bnt the detachment happened to be on the same side of tho sham fight as the company which had fired at it. "His balance is $128,354.12." An Imposgl Ibllity. rhey make my might their porter, they make my house their path. And I lose my neck from their service and whelm them all in my wrath. "Goodby! Certainly, Mr*. , with the greatest of pleasure! There's your change. Always glad to see you when you come to Detroit!"—Detroit Free Press. l ''  "But whether in calm or wrack wreath, whether The commanding officer came riding ap. by dark or day, I heave them whole to the conger or rip their THE ALDERMAN HEAD HIS HDEM. "Now yo's talkin' sense, Mis' Snovr yo' jess air. Dis is de las' wintah I'm gwine ter frow myse'f right into sahsiet j like I'se been doin'. Ez I say, I been or de lope all wintah ter dis pahty an' tc dat 'ception, but Fse gwine ter break ofl from hit all next wintah." Shaving It Close. "Why did yon fire at those men?" he demanded of the lieutenant hotly. "I supposed they were the enemy " said the lieutenant "And what led you to Kuppoee they were the enemy?' Advice. plates away. First of the scattered legions; under a shrieking sky. Not long ago I met a wealthy exalderman of New York in Colorado. He was of Celtic extraction, but American by instinct. He was traveling for his health in the fastnesses of the grand old Rocky mountains. He had made a fortune in the beautiful city of Denver by simply buying lots when other people felt like selling, and selling while the others were feeling like buying. "How much for a shave here?" he asked of a Court street barber in Brooklyn.Dipping between the rollers, the English Flag goes by. "How much for half a ahayeP* "Eight cents." "Lend me a pencil, will you?" Having got one, he put the figures down on the wall: "Fifteen cents." "The dead dumb fog hath wrapped it—the frozen dews have kissed— "Because my tailor was at the head of tlieni, and I saw my butcher in the ranks. What else could I suppose, sir?* —London Tit-Bits. The naked stars have seen It, a fellow star in the mist. What la the Flag of England? Ye have bat my breath to dare. Ye have but my wave* to conquer. Go forth, for it is there!" "So's I. I'se seen an' heerd all I keen to of fine sahsiety an—oh, is dis you* street?" Editor Clugston did not like to lose that poem, but there wasn't room for it. If it went in he would have to cut down, the notice of Miss Phoebe Gay's millinery, opening, every line of which was worth ten cents in solid cash. All the space he. had left for that week was just one inch, and it would be time to go to press five minutes. In this emergency one of those flashes of inspiration that mark the man of genius came to hia aid- Hei seized his pen and wrote: "Miss 'May Belle' sends us a beautiful little poem which we have not space to insert in full, bqt which ia too good to be lost. We have condensed it as follows:"Yes; goodby. See you at de Jacksin'i pahty tonight?" Amateur Actor (to prompter)—Say, Billy, I'd give ten dollars to be out of this. When I go on the stage I'm sure chat ril have a bad case of stage fright. My t-t-teeth are ch-chat-terin' now. Fine Feather* Make Fine Bird*. —Rudyard Kipling. Yesterday I met a thrifty traveling man with a silver trimmed sample case. 1 thought I had seen him before, and so [had. He spoke to me. "Yes," he said, '• you unit I met in Cleveland last month." 1 remembered it then. I was sitting in the reading room of the Weddell House, and this man was there. He was writing a letter. Finally he raised his head knd said, "How do you spell choir—a churi:h choir?" We were soon pretty good friends. He said that his greatest grief came to him now because with all his money he hadn't the keen zest for enjoying it that he had in the blessed old days when he had an appetite and no money. "Now," said he, "I have the money and no appetite. I almost cry in the night for the smell of the sod and the spring rain on the dusty road. I hate the smell of Broadway and the street sweepers, and the recollection of bad sewerage and th? Van Twillers, who knew mighty little pf good sanitary arrangements. In fact, be Gob," says he, "I can't be a successful aristocrat. 1 want to go back agin, me boy, and belong wance more to the Hoy Polloy." Then he took from his pocket a soiled fragment of verse, which I will give below, and which I call The Wail of a Graxo-Roman Irishman: And the careworn "sahsiety" ladiei separated.—Detroit Free Press. A Whit* Rose. The red rose whispers of passion. And the white rose breathes of lore; Oh, the red rose is a falcon. And the white rose is a dove. "I see,'* ha said, as he returned the pencil. "I save a cent by getting a full shave here, instead of dividing my custom between two shops. Go aheadfull shave—lots of lather—no talk."— New York Evening World. Expense No Object. Prompter—Well, there is one point you can rest easy on. I am not permitted to give my authority for this anecdote, but it is true. A woman who is not unknown in fashionable society, where she reigns by  of riches over a little queendoin of loyal admirers and admiresses, had an affection of the throat, but was not top ill to see her physician. After making an ex amination he said: Doctor—You are in a very bad way. You must take plenty of exercise. Amateur Actor—Wh-what's that? Prompter—Your knees won't knock together.—Puck. But 1 send you a cream white rosebud. x With a flush on its petal tips; For the love that is purest and sweetes: Has a kiss of desire on the lips. Patient—Please, sir, I'm 'elp in a boardin' 'ouse from 6 in the mornin' till 12 at night. Papa—Have you been fishing? Johnny—Yes, sir. What They Wanted. An Old Story. —John Boyle O'Reilly. Doctor—Oh! In that case take plenty of rest.—Judy. Few people recognize the full extent of any natural defect with which they may be afflicted. A young man on a Chicago and Northwestern train a day or two ago was possessed of a most pronounced and decided lisp. He was talking in an animated manner to a companion, and his peculiar speech could not fail to attract much notice. An acquaintance with him said: "What in the world makes you lisp so? I don't be- * lieve there is any use in it." Failure. I knocked the ashes from my fragrant cigar and said, "C-h-o-i-r." "Thanks," he said; "but js it not also spelled q-u-i-r-e?" Papa—Well, yon may as well make a day of it while yon are at it. Yon may now come out to the woodshed with ma on a whaling expedition. It me that we need a little bobber just now.— Harper's Baza?, III. IV. lave you heard that it was good to gain th« day? also say it is good to fall; battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won. beat and pound for the dead. "Must wait, at gate—homo; Words sweet, gate 'screet—gloain. Long stand, squeeze hand—late. Words low, don't know—gate, "Tata!" "So long!"-back; Heal dark, hides—hark! Smack I" —Chicago Tribune. Munsey's W  A Drummer** Remedy. "Madam, .1 shall havo to touch two oj three of the affected spots with uitratC of silver." One night this spring, on a train coming east on the Erie road, the porter of a sleeping car aroused half a dozen of the male sleepers to ask it they had anything with them to cure a case of the colic. A drummer for a city hardware house fumbled around in his coat and finally said: "Oh, no. Yon are thinking of a qnire of paper," I said, as I wiped my nice new high hat with my elbow. blow through my embouchures my loudest and gayest for them. ivas to those who have fail'd! "Oh, doctor, please don't do that," sh« said. "Use nitrato of gold; the expenst is immaterial."—San Francisco Exam iner. tie Was Ready. nd to those whose war vessels sank in the seal nd to those themselves who sank in the seal Jid to all generals that lost engagements, and "Possibly; but, you know, I had the idea in my blame fool head that q-u-i-r-e was also correct for church choir. Are you sure that q-u-i-r-e is not admissible for church choir?" The excellent pastor of one of our up town churches was hurrying into the Michigan Central depot when he met f| countryman with his carpet bag coming from the train. Green at tlie Buslnetq. all overcome heroesl nd the numberless unknown heroes equal to the greatest heroes known I —Walt Whitman. Oh, I'm weary of doing the proper thing; He Was Mistaken. Jit "flip I'm tired of doing as I am told; I want to hear the buhlfrohg sing, And smell the fresh, wet mold. Oh, it's take me finger bowl away, And make me wapep more a boy. With a sun burned wedge downthe spine o| pie back, He—I know, Miss Kajones, that 11 looks like great presumption for me tc speak of love to you, I have neithei youth nor good looks. I am poor, uned ucated and have no influential friends. 1 have nothing that can attract the admiration of a young lady. Amateur Gardening, Bring out the rusty garden rake. "Here's a box of soda mints which may help him. He can use the whole box and be hanged to him, for he's no business to have the colic!" "Why, do you think I listhp much?" replied the afflicted. "I didn't thupose I listhped unlesth I thaid thugar, thoftthoap or thome thuch thing."—Arkansas Traveler. "Oh, yea, sir," I said, as I wrote a few autographs for a delegation waiting in the anteroom. "I would stake my existence on it." "What time is it, sir?" asked the pastor hurriedly. A Homily. Hunt up the hoe and spade. For spring ia hero, and it is time To have tlio garden made. Be to every man just—and to woman Theoountryman drew himself up with a no-you-don't-mister air, and answered stiffly: Nothing further was heard of the case until morning, when a strapping young man, with a far west look to his hair, came into the sleeper with the mint box in his hand, and inquired for the drummer and said: Be gentle and tender and trne; For thine own do thy best, bat for no man ■ less than a brother should 4o.' " J So living thy days to full number. "Weil, sir, I am probably wrong, but I am headstrong, and I don't mind losing twenty dollars—fcr I am a Standard Oil man—just to find out. and we will leave it to Webster." Your wife will lean npon the fenea And watch you while you work. She's always prompt to give advice, She'll never let you shirk. Off the Scent. While I whoop with the HOI POLLQI. She—You are mistaken, Mr. Wliack ster. I admire your magnificent i*»rve —Chicago Trihnne. "Daytime. I see thro' your littlr- inline. Besides, I left my to hn fool just sich sharks as you. D.i .."— Detroit Free Press. Wife — Gracious, how your clothes smell of tobacco smoke! Oh, me swallytall hurts me under the arms, In peace thou sb< pass to thy grave; Thou shalt tlo down and rest thee and slumber— And me patent leathers are hot and tight; For Loo Loo MaCallister's lost his charms Dou't waste your time in trying to tell Tho bulbs from worthless weeds; Dig them all up; that's easiest, and You'll need the room for seeds. Husband—Yon must be wrong, my dear. "All right," said I, wishing to buy a spring overcoat, of which I was greatly in need, "twenty dollars goes." I did not notice the grammatical construction, however, at the time. And I'm homesick and weary tonight. I sigh for the song of the katydid He Klu4. "Took 'em all but one, and they smashed my colic right in the eye. How much to pay?" Wife—Why, haven't you been smoking?Beloved, loving hearted and brave. —Samuel Waddington. When mc heart was alive with joy. When I bathed mc feet in the long, wet grass \n the waiting room of the Pennsylvania depot the other day there was a middle aged man with a fresh weed on his hat, and quite a number of people must have whispered to themselves that he had lately lost thq companion of his joya sorrows. Among those who observed him closely was a man of about his own age, who had five or si* parcels on the seat beejda him, having Evidently been doing considerable trading. After a few minutes he walked over to the other and remarked: And belonged to the HOI POLLQI Two Bad Eggs. Work hard, man, you won't break your bock. Though you may fear you may. Don't stop to lean upon your spade- Think what your wife will say. "Nothing, sir. I'm only too glad to have been of service to you." Husband—Yes. But it was one of the cigars you gave me.—Clothier and Furnisher.Pessimist and Optimist. This one sits shivering in Fortune's smile. Taking his joy with bated, doubtful breath: rhis other, gnawed by hunger, all fte wUila1 J*ughs in t?*a teeth or Death. —Thomas Bailey Aldrich. We got a Webster, and then I saw what I had not saw before—that "quire" was correct. I wish that 1 could sell the knowlc.lye I have got for what it hae co?t me. 1 would take much needed rent in Europe for eighty-five years, and live well all the time. Well, this ma# ia fco\y in the business be told me. He has quit the road and gone into this orthography business, which nets him fifty dollars per day, with the aid of a young man who helps him start the argument. At least it did net him fifty dollars per day. Possibly after this ad. is published he may not so wtu. 4uea, qowever, was, when I saw him, to make about |00,000 in three years, and then live in a iarge feudal lime kiln on the Rhine, I want get nhet of me manicure sett, And dig iu the dirt and the dew, I want to cat onions, and then forget When the other had gone the drummer opened the box and we saw his hair trying to climb up. All the whole world, me darlin'. but you. I'll put mo feet on the escretoire. He—Ethel, Clo you think { am planting these ears of corn tuo close together? Justified Grief. Then whon you've got the a&rden dog. The seeds all out of sieht. You'd better hlro a gardener To do it over right. "Great Scott, boys! but what do you think?" ho gasped. "What is it?" A kind hearted lady found a youngster crying against a wall on Race street yesterday. "What's the matter, hubby?" she asked, and bubby answered: "How would you like to wear your long legged brother's pants cut down so the bag of the knees came out at your ankle."— Philadelphia Record. And let no scallops me soul annoy, I want to forget the days, you bet. Since we shook the HOI POLLOI. God la True. Than garbled text or parchment scroll, I own a statute higher, And God is true, though every hook And every mall's a liar. Another Lapsim. * A V "I gave him the wrong box, and he's swallowed eleven bone collar buttons!" —New York Evening World. —J. Q. Whittle!. \ Subtle Inainutioa. "Do you think Dr. Preechus vu justid in speaking of Mr. Sloman in that iy?' asked she. don't mean to be sassy, but I seq you are in mourning." Like Picture, Like Subject. " W 'lose picture is that?" inquired an eastern artist in a far western cabin, discovering a well executed portrait hanging on the wall in a dark corner. L. Profitable Kiml "Yes?" "Wife?" Angelina—Do you see thai!, and some, middle aged man over ther. ? Belinda—Yes. Who is he? Angelina—He lives by his pen. Belinda—Ah! A poet? Angelina—No; a pork packer.—America. ' At tlio Barge Office, "Yes." "Why, I thought he was very oompli?ntary in his remarks," said he, "Perhaps he was, bat he need not have uded to hia so often as the late Mr, man, even if he was always behind oe,"—Pittsburg Diapatch. "How long since?" "Waiter! bring a gun. Look lharp!"—Judy, "That's my husband's," said the woman of the house carelessly. "Just a week." "Uml Here take this lemon," continued the questioner, as ho drew one from his coat tail pocket. "But it is hung with fatal effect," urged the artist, who remembered the fate of his first pictures in the academy. Almost a Tragedy. "Eureka, have you ever looked death in the face?" At Dallas a traveling man the other day almost broke up the hotel where I stopped. He secured a raw potato as he passed by a grocery slore, and when he got his dinner order he concealed his baked potato in his pocket and substituted the raw one. "I—I thank you, but" "So was my husband," snapped the woman, and the artist discontinued his observations.—Detroit Free Praei. Since Site Went Home. "Cost me three cents, but you needn't worry about that. You orter keep 'em with you right along. Lost my wife about two years ago and went to Buoking lemons, and TO be hanged if I didn't forget all about my calamitous loss and pitch a game of quoits within two weeks! Try a dozen or two, and I'll bet an aero of garden sass agin a straw hat you'll be huntin' fqr nnmber two within six monthsl"—M. Quad in New York World. She (next dayV—Qh, Clarence, how much these beanpoles have grown in a night!—New York Recorder. In the dim light of the singte gas jet that flickered lonesomely in the sky parlor of a West Madison street boarding house the form of the young man who asked this question in a husky, trembling whisper cast a vague shadow on the dingy wall and heightened the unearthly ghastliness of his pallid face. Since she went home— The evening shadows longer linger here, The winter days fill so much of the year. And even summer winds are chill and drear Since she went home. A Qlsdsont* Time. Mother—Goodness me! Johnny! John! Why ain't you at school Instead of rrahing around the streets like a wild iian? * Johnny (dancing a jig)—No school to- 71 pother—No school? Why? Johnny—Teacher's dead,—Street * (itb's Good News. • -s • :  01(1 ChrUtnuM Joke. •How many children have you?" a g was once asked by a person whose ellect was not his strong point. •; have three eons," wae the reply, nd each of them has four sisters." 'Good gracious!" o*clain»ed the other amazement, "why, that makes fifn!"—EufMwpiegeLQe Bad a Dream. From the Hub. "Has Penelope recovered from the loss of her parrot?" A uegro had gone to sleep in the son on the platform of a railway station in South Carolina, and some of the boyi put up a job to have some fun with him. K bag of shelled corn was laid across his knees, a second on his stomach and » third on his head. As the weight didn't waken him, another bag was placed on his stomach, making about 370 pounds resting there. He snored away for thre« minutes, grew uneasy, began to mutter, *nd at the end of five threw the sack? off and sat up and looked around in » dazed way. Since she went home— "What kind of a place is this?" he asked, as he called the head waiter unto him. "Do you think { am a Texas steer that you feed me on riw potatoes? Are yon going to give me cut feed for desdert?"The robin's note lias touched a minor strain. The old glad songs breathe but a sad refrain. And laughter sobs with hidden, bitter pain "Oh, yes. Shelley Higgins took it and had it stuffed with a phonograph in it. The phonograph is primed with Keats, and Penelope likes it better than ever."—New York Sun. "Ha! ha!" she laughed scornfully. "What does it matter to you, Georgo Spoonamore!" Since she went homo. How still the empty rooms her presence blessed. Untouched the pillow that her dear head Since she went home- "It matters to you!" he hissed between his set teeth. "Eureka Plumduff, the last hour of your life has come! You have carried your fickleness, your deceit, your heartless treatment of me a little too far!" Tlie head waiter was nonplussed. He went to the waiter and coasted him at a terrible rate. People all over the dining room got interested. It threatened to break up the bouse. The proprietor came iq. Business was paralysed. Fresh roasted peanuts went up three points. Then it was explained, and I peace returned to the cuisine and the Willing to Ple*««, "Oh, Mwiei Marie," pleaded the precise mother, "why do you use such Lovely Woman—Just look at this. It's the best photo I've ever had taken. All the crudities of features absolutely toned down. pressed. „ My lonely heart hath nowhere for its rest Officer—Have you any means of support?Newly Arrived Immigrant—I don't quite understand you. He Was in No Hurry. St. Agedore (to his tailor)—Ah, by the Since she went home. slang?" way, you have a fellow to keep accounts, , Since she went home— The lojlg days have crept away like years, TUe sunlight has beeu dimmed with doubt* "Why, mamma," explained the girl, "I can't help it. Everybody does, and I am forced to do it in self defense." of course? The Tailor—Certainly. "Then just have him keep mine a year Plain Man—Yes, by Jove! deuced good photographer. He's  He laid a slungshot, a sandbag, a pair of brass knuckles, two bowie knives, a hpttle of vitriol and a brace of Derringers on the table, drew from under his and fears. Aid the dark nights have rained In lonolj tears Officer—Have you any profession by which you can make a living? Lovely Woman (bitten)—He is. If t were you, when you have your photo taken, I'd go to the same man.—Jndy. "Anything wrong. Rube?" asked one of the jokers. N. A. L—No, sir. I'm an artist.—Life, "But, my child, you shouldn't do I or so, will yon? wrong because everybody else does. Yon Epoch. Good morning!"— "Fo' de Lawd, sah, but I'ze had de Since she weut home.