Pittston Gazette

              TJ'Zl1*™"*:* r Oldest f ewsDaoer in the WvomiDg Valley PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, MAY 29, 1891. A Weekly Local and Family louraal. amination I found it to be nothing more than a hair, which had in some manner probably become loosened from the head of the assassin and had settled on the neck of the victim, where it now lay, a silent yet truthful witness, pointing out the guilty wretch to the eye of justice. The hair was of a deep red color, which was totally unlike that of any of the household. It was, indeed, the same color and shade as that of Conrad Smithers. should happen to creep into this paper before they reach you I hope you will not feel hurt. The following notes are given me up to date, and are gingerly yielded to the eagle gaze of the public: Holmes and Millie Christina, the Two Headed Nightingale, to appear. A Modern Flalnt. 60NQ. BILL NYES ANCESTOES. There is no bird athwart the budless bough vant, a few moments ago, crossed his mind, but he dismissed it with a thought. GRASSHOPPER PETE'S REVENGE. WHERE THE FUN WAS. There is em one like my lassie; Her brow a snawdrap is. And her lips they are red cherries. That aye invite a kiss. Other stage notes for a future issue will be gratefully received and printed if O. Ked by the counting room of thin paper. That tips and taps against my window pane. No sunshine finishes through the curtain now. A Tale of Blood, Lore, Murder and Dark- THEY WERE ENGLISH, HENCE WILL- The sky is dark with clouds of unspent rata i fret and fume with anxious brow and sad, He could easily explain to her his request. Thank heaven, he had not committed himself! nesa. i Case Where the Was on CShT IAM'S SENSE OF HUMOR Charles J. Davis, the eminent actor, who has interpreted with such wonderful accuracy for years the character of Alvin Joslin, will present a neatly framed lithograph of himself to the Players' club early in the autumn. Also a three sheet poster. Same subject^ Mr. James Owen will sail in July for Europe to seek much needed rest. He will return in September, it is hoped, mentally refreshed and ready to rattle around in Mr. Booth's placo next season. He still suffers severely at times from the concussion, irritation and temporary deafness resulting from the presence of some foreign substance supposed to be the fragment of an anaemic egg shell which he got in the ear while playing Hamlet at Hoboken, N. J., three years ago. And lines of cure across my pallid cheek; What have I now that once, alas! I had? Kersliish! Biff! A dull thud and then silence. A negro went into a dentist's fcnd after standing abont remarked he had not slept for five nighta ha believed that he would have a tooth jntfled. "All right," said the dentist. "Sit down here, and I will fix yon in a very few minutes." Dentist. There is nae one like my lassie; Her hair is sunshine curled. And her e'en are sorely brighter Than onie in the world. Miss Wellington turned to him with a smile. By the Way, Any One Who Wants Some Gladys De Peyster goes abroad next weekl "One blow for vengeance I" There was a ring of triumph in the voice of Grasshopper Pete as he waved aloft a blood stained razor and shouted: "One blow for vengeance! Gingeroake Jack is done for!" Theatrical Notices Address Edgar \y, Only last night, while waiting in the hall. Close as I folded on her wrappings warm (After that last dance at the Barrett's ball), I claspcd her little hand upon my arm. Softly she answered to my whispered prayer Words for me to hear—for her to speak; Then, with a start she raised her face so fair, "But oh, dear boy, we go abroad next weekl" "So you are here this evening. Do you enjoy it?" There is nae one like my lassie; Her voice it is sae clear That I straightway dream o' angels When its siller tones I hear. Nye, This Office—He Knows Hla liusi- I placed it carefully in my pocketbook, and saying nothing to any one of my discovery, started for the residence of Slithers, intent on doing a little acting. I found him, as his attendant said, ill in bed and on no account must he be disturbed.ness—See Samples. One Dyspepsia Cure. What did it matter if that sweet speech was false, it was very neat. At any rate it brought a beautiful color to the soft cheek of the maiden before him. "I have not—until now." [Copyright, 1891, by Ed car W. Nye.] Lawrence, Kan., March 14, 1891. Mir. Edgar W. Nye: Dear Sir—I have for some time been The cure of dyspepsia is surely to be effected only by the adoption of negative means. Commission will do nothing, omission everything. "Yes, Bah," replied the negro. "Bat look yere. Is dis thing gwine ter Lml?' "Oh, it may hurt you some." "But I doan' want it ter hurt er faTi- De truf is dat I has suffered so nmcfe already dat I is tired. Ef you kin pttfl it widout it hurtin' I'll be greatly obleegoi ter you, sah." There is nae one like my lassie, And she's good aa she is fair; E'en heaven will seem more holy When her spirit enters there. —Susie M. Beet in Philadelphia Ledger. Then Gingercake Jack, with a low, curdling groan, crawled off in the darkness to die. 9ft have I heard that chestnut spoke and sung About the fellow and the dear gazelle; Now I can feel just how his heart was wrung To part with what he'd learned to love se well. a reader of your "esteemed effusions." I enjoy them weekly, and sometimes all the week. 1 have at times noted your replies to correspondents and your dissertations on heredities, genealogies, etc. I want to make some suggestions and inquiries, and I kindly ask you not to strike back. I do not intend to be personal.Mr. A. J. Cox, the binder, thinks differently. He believes heartily in the sins of commission. For years he had dyspepsia in all its forms and phases. He became reduced to the attenuated condition of a skeleton. Folks used to stop in the street to look at him. Life became a veritable burden to him. "Is it not beautiful in here?" she said. "Yes, it is a fit setting for you." "Now you are flattering me." The sceno of the tragedy was a dark room in the rear of the Bloody Razor dance hall, on Thompson street. Grasshopper Pete was on the trail of his enemies, and he had drawn first blood. SAVED BY A HAIR ' "This sickness is but a stratagem," I thought, "to divert suspicion." Perhaps she'll come back with a coronet Set on the girlish brow 1 kissed last night; What wonder that I fume and rage and fret, And everything is wrong that once aeonaad right I "Indeed I am not; I am always truthful," and he threw a world of counterfeit tenderness into the dark eyes he turned upon her. Telling the woman that I wanted to see him but for a moment on the most urgent business, she finally reluctantly con- to my entrance. I found him lying upon a bed, apparently in great pain. In my youth I had studied medicine and was consequently well informed in such matters, and saw at once with a quick glance that he was only feigning sickness. He started up somewhat angrily as I entered, but I silenced him with a motion of my head. "I don't think I can do that without laughing gas." It was a dark and stormy night without, and I drew my chair closer to the fire as I sipped my tea and regaled myself with the news of the local'pajier. As the storm and sleet rattled furiously against the window and pedestrians harried by anxious to reach a place of shelter, I felt thankful that I was not obliged to leave my comfortable home for the night. "What sorter gas?' Laugh on. ye ribald jesters at the club! Sneer at my clouded boots and rocky mien) Hearts have gone out, I know, and—there's th« It was only a step from that to something more—and he took it. Holding her soft, white hand in his, be began: A year before the opening of this story Grasshopper Pete was a light hearted, innocent negro. He lived down in the Mississippi swamps, on the banks of the muddy Yazoo, and earned a miserable existence catching muskrats and malaria."Laughing gas." . "I neber yered o' dat sorter stuff, but ef you'se got suthin' yere dat will m«ira er pusson laugh dat has got de toothache, gimme, and gimme mighty quick." The dentist administered the gas and drew the tooth. The negro exprened himself as greatly pleased, and after thanking the dentist started to go out. "Holdon a minute," said the dentist "You have forgotten something." "I reckons not, sah," he replied, looking around. "This sort of thing went along," says Mr. Cox, "until finally I grew very tired. One evening I sat down and made an estimate of the drugs I had taken, the doctors' bills I had paid, etc. As I figured it, the medicine I had consumed in six years cost more aqJ. weighed more than the victuals I had eaten. I had spent on doctors enough money to fill a dozen bookcases with first editions. I made up my mind to reform. That night I dreamed that Solomon came to me and presented me with a cake. Next morning I went down to breakfast; they had sausages and buckwheats. Last summer I took my outsides to Europe. We were ten days on the voyage across the water. I was much in- Colonel John L. Sullivan will also go abroad this summer, as he says, to get Sardou to "sock a little pop and high purposes" into his lines in the great melodrama "Honest Hearts and Willing Hands." Colonel Sullivan will return in the fall, in time, it is thought, to moisten his hands and elevate the stage next season. He will also do all he can to persuade Mary Anderson to return to the stage. He is looking also for a new play that has an unsealed doom in it. He says the old drama with the sealed doom is getting passy and blaze. He will get hold of a doom that is not subject to letter rates, if he can. rob! Mine's, Blows San, /t, y» winds that bear her tar from me, 'shis« upon her—through the storm oads seek; to Europe on an ocean queen. "Miss Blanche, I am growing very tired of a lonely life. I want some one to share my griefs and joys. Will you be my wife?" a message swiftly o'er the ae*, jy» Da Peyster sails for home tut week!" * In an evil hour Pete fell in love. He h«d often fallen in the river, but it was tf» first time he had ever fallen in love, and the sensation was new to him. He felt a little shaky at first. The doctor said it was chills made him feel that way, but Pete knew it was love. - Kute Masteraon la Oncaa Weak. "Really—I—hardly know," she began. At that moment gay voices were heard coming in their direction, and she drew her hand away from his clasp. In another moment the lively party were in sight, and he had only time to murmur, "I will write tomorrow—will yon reply?" "Whafs this?" I said, as my eye alighted on a startling paragraph. "Mysterious murder! Mr. John Randolph, one of oar old and wealthy citizens, was this morning found dead in his room, having been murdered daring the "Conrad Smithers, this is a desperate game yon are playing, bat it will avail yon nothing." WHICH ONE? "What do yon mean?' he exclaimed, springing to his feet, his illness all gone. "Yousdon't mean it." "But though." "Isn't itaTXther sudden conclusion?" "On the contrary, my dear boy, I have been thinking of it for some time." Fred Bent gave a low whistle. "Well, I must say you have kept it mighty private." Samantha Sowders was the black object of Pete's affection. He adored her, and for a time she smiled on hi™ "Yee, yon have forgotten to pay me." "Wy, yon ain't gwine charge me nathin', is yon?" night by some unknown person. Edgar "I mean that the game is np and the murderer of John Randolph is discovered."Morton, a clerk in his employ, and who, i report says, was soon to be married to his daughter, has been arrested for the | murder, and circumstances are said to ; be strongly against him." " 'Your tea and dry toast will be here in a moment,' said my wif9. "Yes," and presently the cool, retired place was invaded by the merrymakers, and Laurence Weston beat a hasty retreat."Of conrse I am." One night Pete was on his way down the river to the cabin of flnmnn+hft to propose. His boat was drifting along with the current, when he heard the eonnd of voices and the dip of oars. Pete pnlled alongside the other boat, and turned pale as summer moonlight when he saw his loved Samantha nestling in the arms of Watermelon Jim, a yellow negro with a blind eye. Qingercake Jack and Snaky Dan were at the oars. "Wall, lemme tell yon, boss. Er man dat kin hab ez much fun ez yon fri" oughten ter want no money. Take some o' dat gas an' laugh till yon furgiti de bill. Good day," and he was gone.—Arkansas Traveler. Thrown completely off his guard, as I had anticipated, he sank into a chair, and burying his face in his bands sobbed ont, "Lost! lost!" The leading lady in "The Clemenceau Case" has been offered $2,000 to use her influence during the season of '91-'92 in forwarding the interests of a well known firm of dealers in light ribbed underwear. A bright little skit, intended as a mild take off on "The Clemenceau Case," will be on the boards next season, entitled "The Downes Case." It can hardly succeed, as in "The Clemenceau Case" there is really so little to take off. " 'Yes, well, when it comes,' says I, •yon can feed it to the canary birds. I'm going to tackle some of those sausages.' H Now, although I am usually among j the first to hear of criminal news, from i the nature of my business, thia was the jX&rst intimation I had received that such i a mnrder had been done. This seemed • very strange, as I was on the very best [ of terms with Mr. Randolph and his i whole family. } "And so this is the way that Edgar l Morton repays the benefactor of his youth and soon to be father! Yet, no," I cried, "I will Btake my life on that ! young man's innocence." "Wife protested, but in vain. I just filled myself full of hot, juicy sausages— yes, and of buckwheat cakes too. The next day he wrote the two letters be bad promised—for he was a man of his word. "Do you confess the murder, then?' "The best policy. If I had told you iu the first place yota might have persuaded me out of the notion. Now it is impossible." "I do," he answered, "now that concealment is no longer of use." To Miss Sturtevant he wrote this: I took him at once into custody and soon had the satisfaction of seeing him change places with Edgar Morton. " 'There,' says I to myself, or rather says J to my stomach, 'you can wrestle with that dose for a day or two. I've got plenty o' time to spare, and Fm going to down you, gol durn you! even though it takes a natural lifetime!' Dear Hiss Blanche—I wish to Apologize Jo you for some remarks I made to yon last night, and to say that I have changed my mind concerning the matter I spoke of. It was really of no consequence, and I beg you will not give It any thought. It waa only an Idle quutlon, which merely amounted to nothing, and in fact the cause which existed for my request no longer exists. Please treat the whole affair as a joke, and oblige. Yours, She W»i Suspicions. 'But you said you should never A seedy old man with a bundle of dilapidated umbrellas under arm called at a house on Cass avenue. The lady of the house herself answered the belL marry." Conrad Smithere was tried for the murder and, knowing that any defense would be useless after his confession to me, he pleaded guilty and threw himself upon the mercy of the court, which sentenced him to imprisonment for life. "All blow, iny dear fellow. When a man is young, a mere boy, he does well to rail at marriage and declare that he will never wed. When a man arrives at my years and gray hairs he will think better of it." " Whar you gwine, S'mantha?' shouted Pete in alarm. Much pleasant comment has been heard recently over the new and beautiful lithograph on the letterhead of Mr. Percy Mushrush, the bright young dramatist of East Perth Amboy. It occupies the upper two-thirds of the sheet, in the center of which is seen a pile of volumes bearing on their backs the names of Mr. Mushrush's several plays, including "Alone in Tompkinsville," "The Man Teacher and the Clay bank Blonde; or, Where Have They Went To?' "Well, sir, you may not believe it, but I never had a sign of dyspepsia after that. I went right along eating anything and everything, but never an ache or a pain had I. This morning I had a pickled horseshoe and toasted cheese for breakfast; this noon I ate a broiled lobster garnished with green cucumbers and clotted cream; tonight I shall have boiled cabbage, goose livers and snet padding for dinner. I am a marvel of health, and have been so ever since I determined not to let my stomach have its own way. There's no dyspeptic in the world who can't master his stomach if he only makes up his mind to!"—Eugene Field in Chicago News. "I'se gwine off fur to marry Jim," Samantha answered. "Any umberellas, par"sols or canes to mend?' he inquired. "What you gwine to marry dat one eyed nigger for?' ONE DOLLAR A DAY TO REDUCE WEIGHT, teres ted in the signs upon the business houses in London. So many of them bore the talisman (more likely the legend or fiction), "Purveyor to Her Majesty," or "His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales," or "Her Highness the Princess Maud." In gilt letters on all sides were the names of royal toothpullere, old clothes buyers, chiropodic artists, etc. Riding along Walton street, in an aristocratic neighborhood, of course, I saw in modest letters: On another sheet of the cream note paper he always used he wrote to Miss Wellington thus: L. Weston. "H-m," said the woman, eying Hin suspiciously, "how do I know you'd ever bring them back? There's no fun in letting a ten dollar silk umbrella go off with a stranger." As I spoke there came a gentle tap at It needs scarcely to be explained that the villain Smithers had found an opportunity of visiting Edgar Morton's room in his absence and possessed himself of the razor and the articles of clothing. After the commission of the murder he had returned to the apartment and deposited the blood stained evidences of his crime, thus incriminating Edgar. "But Lanrie, honest old fellow, were you never in love?" "Kase he shoots craps an' wins money. You g'way from heah, nigger; dis chile aint no fool, I aint." "Shoot 11, catch 7, pull 'way, boys," shouted Jim, and soon Pete's boat was left far astern. the door, followed almost immediately by the entrance of a lady deeply veiled, who at once threw aside her veil, disclosing to me the features of my deceased friend's daughter, Cecil Randolph. "Excuse me, Mr. Ferguson, for entering uninvited, but urgent business must be my only excuse." "Me—never!" And Laurence Weston laughed scornfully at the idea as he lighted a fresh cigar. Dear Miss Blanch*—Had time permitted last night I should have urged you to accept my hand and heart. But the crowd was so great and the opportunity for private conversation so limited that it waa impossible. Tou promised to write to me—may I hope for a favorable answer? If so, please appoint a time for me to call and tell you all I would say more fully than I can commit it to paper. Yours. The old man rummaged in his pockets and found the card of a prominent bank official with a recommendation on the back. "Then you are not going to marry for lover' inquired Bent. "No." Pete's intended bride was gone like a will-o'-the-wisp, but as the sound of mocking laughter came to his ears across the muddy waters of the Yazoo a shook him up and'he swore to be revenged."Whatfor, then?" "ffm," said the woman, as she read it the second time, "1 don't know him. Like enough he's in with yon. It ain't Bafe to trust any one these times." About a year after I received an invitation to the wedding of Cecil Randolph and Edgar Morton, who live most happily together and never ceased thanking me that Edgar was saved by a hair.— New York Evening World. Among these plays are interspersed those of Shakespeare, and in the foreground of the picture, armed with quill pens, may be seen Mr. Mushrush and Mr. S. engaged in a duel, with the left hand carefully inserted in the air. Underneath is the sentence referring to the picture, "A friendly tilt for immortality." Mr. Mushrush regards his letterhead as the most successful of all his works. "Oh, a variety of things, I suppoee." "Be seated, Miss Randolph," I said, rising and handing her a chair. "Money, for one thing, I fancy," he went on, "and then I am growing older; my chances to marry well—to my liking —will not always be as fair as they are now, and I always intended to marry finally." L. Weston. ' "Oh, Mr. Ferguson!" she sobbed forth, burying her face in her hands, "that I should ever be obliged to come to you on such an errand as this!" "There," as he folded both letters and placed them in their envelopes, "I feel sure of her reply." Then he told her where he lived, street and number. Mrs. B. Nye. Chimney Sweep. He knew that Watermelon .Tim, liD« all crap shooting negroes, would go from bad to worse, and in time would reach Thompson street. This was in the morning, and in the evening Fred Bent dropped in, as waa his custom. "H'm," Bhe said slowly, "I don't own an umbrella and never did, for I know enough to come in when it rains, bnt I liate to see folks imposed on and" You cannot blame ine for thinking at once of my native land and our own Bill Nye. Is this merely a coincidence, or are you really English? Why is Mrs. B. Nye not allowed to print "Chimney Sweep to Her Majesty?" Is it possible that the queen sweeps her own chimneys, or may it be that the effete monarchy is jealous of the name of Nye because borne by ah illustrious American, and hence will not patronize Mrs. B. Nye? Can it be that Mrs. B. Nye is too high priced for the queen? But I refrain. You can see to what the subject leads, and in your own good time will relieve my mind of the clouds of mental sopt growing out' of the above momentous subject. Very truly, Slipperyelm Bill needs another pair C The Mother of Invention. I endeavored to quiet her, and partially succeeded, when I drew from her what few facts she knew regarding her father's death. x. Cm* of Fnngl. "Oh, did yon?" In his lonely cabin, with only the chilla and fever to keep him company, Pete bided his time. The coal mines near Dresden have long been celebrated for the production of fungi which emit a light resembling pale moonlight. It is phosphorescent in its nature. Another species furnishes a useful color for dyeing; another is employed for making ink; another is utilized for stupefying bees, for stanching blood and for making tinder; another serves the Laplanders to destroy bedbugs, for which purpose it is smeared upon the walls and bedposts, and another is valued by the Kamschatkans for manufacturing an intoxicating liquor. "Yes, though I would never own it; but I am in earnest now, and I mean to marry before this year is out," ''Have you selected the lady?" •'There are two of them." '♦Oh, you are going over to the Mormons."For a few moments the two men smoked in silence. ' "So do I, mum," retorted the umbrella man, as he backed away and left her herself.—Detroit Free Press. Then there was a knock on the door, which Mr. Weston answered. "He retired last night at the usual hour apparently in good spirits, and no sonnd was heard during the night to cause any alarm. In the morning, as he failed to appear at breakfast, a servant was dispatched to summon him. Knocking at the door and receiving no answer, he finally opened it and advanced into the room. What a sight did he then behold! My poor father lay upon his bed, with his throat cut from ear to earl Death must have come to liCm suddenly —so suddenly as to prevent any outcry —and the unknown mMmin bad no trouble in making his escape." An enterprising manager of Toledo will introduce a bit of stage realism in a new Uncle Tom company which he is organ- When he came back into the room he held in his hand two letters. A year is supposed to have elapsed—a twelve months in which fate was running Grasshopper Pete's way. izing for next season. It consists in JL Biu. ntC kill- He Saw. "If you will excuse me, Fred, I will read these," he said. A grand colored ball is in progress in the Bloody Razor dance hall on Thompson street. The clock had just struck 11, and was ticking away in a discouraged manner on the next honr, but young Fitzmaurice de Bang had not gone. "No, but you know a reserve force comes haudy. *If one won't'—you know the rest. Now, my dear Fred, all this nonsense about falling in love is bosh-*- pure humbug. J never could love one woman any better than another, unless I knew her b«tter and discovered in her nature more lovable qualities. I think it is much better to select a woman whom you think in every way likely to suit you, and then set about learning to like her. When a man is head over ears in love his judgment is warped and his eyesight proverbially poor." "Oh, certainly—go ahead. From the fair charmers, I suppose." Laurence Weston opened the letters at random. Snaky Dan is the leader of the band. Qingercake Jack is in the back room watching for the police, and Watermelon Jim is chairman of the reception committee. The young lady was gazing dreamily at him, or rather through him, and his heart stirred with a vague, nebulous rapture. The first read like this: Dear Mr. Weston—Although your proposal was a great surprise to me, for I always thought you were not a marrying man, I can say **»»* 1 am inclined to regard it—and you—favorably. If you will call tomorrow at 101 shall be glad "Aw—Miss Laura," he said tenderly, "may I awsk you what you are looking atr The "polyporoua squamoras" makes a razor strap far superior to those commonly sold. For this purpose it must be cut from the ash tree upon which it grows, in the autumn, when its juices have been dried and its substance has become solidified. It is then to be flattened out for twenty-four hours in a press, after which it should be carefully rubbed with pumice, sliced longitudinally, and every slit that is free from damage by insects glued upon a wooden stretcher. In quite ancient times this fungus was so employed, and it seems strange that it has gone so entirely out of fashion.—Washington Star. The dance has been a gay one. Seventeen times razors have flashed in the brilliant gasoline light, seventeen revelers have been dragged into the alley covered with blood, and not a policeman has been seen. J. D. Bowersock. "But," I said, "I can't Bee why any one should suspect Edgar of the murder."P. S.—Have you been masquerading as a Yankee all these years when, as a matter of fact, you belonged to the bloated aristocracy? to receive you. Yours, "Nothing," she murmured, and her pensive, dreamy gaze still seemed to rest on the young man. Blank dismay was pictured on his features as he opened the other, and read: B LAN CIU! SrCBTSVANT. i Fitzmaurice de Bang sat in thoughtful Bilence for nearly ten minutes. Then a light appeared to dawn by degrees on his mind. He reached mechanically for his hat, rose in a preoccupied way, moved abstractedly toward the door, went slowly out, and she never saw him again.—Chicago Tribune. "That is the most mysterious part of the sad affair. This morning, when Edgar was told of the murder, he turned very pale, reeled, and would hare fallen to the ground had not support been given him. Some of the ignorant beholders of this scene thought his actions denoted guilt, and an officer was summoned, who at once insisted on searching his room. A razor, on which was several spots of blood, was found concealed under the carpet, together with an old suit of clothes belonging to Edgar, which was bespattered with blood. Tills was considered sufficient evidence to warrant his arrest, and he now lies in jail charged with the awful crime of murder. Oh, Mr. Ferguson, if you can do anything to save Mm, and at the same time bring the guilty perpetrator of the deed to justice, I will amply reward you." Fred Bent laughed good naturedly. Suddenly there is a flatter of excitement in the ballroom, a suppressed murmur of applause, as a stranger is introduced. He is announced as Blizzard Bill, of New Orleans, who plays policy and carries seven razors. Several letters are waiting a reply in these columns, and I take this opportunity to answer two of them, requesting the writers of others to be patient until I can more fully inform myself regarding the matters inquired about. It is very difficult to answer important questions without books of reference, and to carry a library in a shawl strap while doing one night business is a nuisance. I shall answer all queries possible within the knowledge of man and refer the balance to Joseph Cook. "I don't know, Laurie. I am always in love, so of course my advice is worthless to you." Mr. Weston: Dear Sir—It Is entirely to mc whether your language of last,night was a jok« or not, and no apologies are necessary. Allow mo to advise you, though, that in well regulated society such jokes are considered insults to a woman. Yours, "Exactly," said his friend. "Now these two young ladies"  "Would you object to telling me their names?" interrupted Bent. "Not in the least. They are both called Blanche." Blizzard Bill is Grasshopper Pete in disguise, and he is on the trail of his enemies. By chance he wanders into the back room, where Gingercake Jack is watching for the police. In the darkness he recognizes his enemy, and with three blows of his razor lays Jack low. "Whafs the matter, Laurie? You look as though you had had a shock," said Bent. Blakcbi Wellington. Immature bat Promising. "Belisarius, come in the house this instant 1" A Geometry loo. RABLY * BIRD'S OPJOnNO. "Yes, Miss Sturtevant and Miss Well* ington—both very suitable in everyway, and, as far as I know, 'heart whole and fancy free,'" "What, the two Blanches?" "So I have. Here, read these," and he pushed the letters toward his friend. Bent read them. Then he burst into hearty laughter. "What are you laughing at?" asked Weston. The voice of the domestic rang sharply out in the frosty air. Three elderly gentlemen, all college graduates, were discussing the effects of time in obliterating early training at school. One of them, Mr. A, asserted that they had all forgotten nearly everything they learned at school, and this the second gentlemen, Mr. B, as strenuously denied. ing Uncle Tom in a brutal way each evening and settling for him at the box office. Several almshouses have offered to sign for the season, agreeing to furnish as high as twenty Uncle Toms each, provided tbeir names ore not used. The manager thinks it will be a great card- He will also discharge the Little Eva he had last season and engage her daughterin-law in her place. His former Little Eva will celebrate her golden wedding in September. Back to the dance hall goes Pete, and waving his bloody razor above his head he shouts: "The world is mine! Let the d:ince go on!" "Octavia," replied the dignified twoyear-old Boston child, whose eyes were fixed on the glittering hearse moving slowly along the street, "I will come briefly. I am observing a demise."— Chicago Tribune. Yes, we are of English descent, although it is quite a right smart of a while since. We were influential with the government there. With the advent of the Quelph outfit the Nyes took a long farewell pull at the public teat, and with a tremendous sigh wiped off their chins and began a course of persistent industry at one dollar per day in the New World in order to reduce their weight. My ancestors on the left hand side coming down the family tree were also purveyors to the royal household, and one of the earlier kings used to buy a whole codfish at a time at our place. Much of the early English humor which broke out at that time is now attributed to the free use of the buckwheat flour sold to His Royal Whiskers by our folks, who had a place on the road near the royal ranch. •'Well, you ought to win," said Bent. "You are good looking, and, by Jove, you have plenty of assurance. But I must be going," and he arose. HE GETS THEM. •—New York Recorder. "Ha, ha! Because really, old fellow, I can't help it. It's too good—well, if it isn't rich. Did you mean to do it?" "Mean to do what?" The dance goes on faster and more furions than before. "For instance," said Mr. A to Mr. B, "what do you know about geometry now? Anything at all?" A Literary Suggestion. At the door he turned and called back: "Shall I see you at the Leonards' tomorrow night?" "Swing dem corners!" shouts Snaky Dan. "How did your novel, 'The Guttersnipe; or, Mud's Thicker Than Water,' go?' "Can you ask me?" said Bert, tragically, waving the two sheets of scented note paper in the air. Doctor—Troubled with insomnia, eh? Eat something before going to bed. Science on the Ban. "Do you know of any enemies of your father, or of Edgar, who would be likely to commit such a crime, either for robbery or revenge?" I asked. He never shouts again. A razor crosses his jugular, and the subsequent proceedings interest him no more. "Certainly," said B, "a good deal." "Yes, I shall be there." The next night found him, fautleasly attired, at Mrs. Leonard's reception. Patient—Why, doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before going to bed. "Well," said the third man, Mr. C, breaking in, "let'B have a little examination. A, what is the shortest distance between two points called?" "A railroad," said Mr. A, promptly. Mr. Shucknasty Pete, a survivor of the Wounded Knee affair, who barely escaped with his life by being in western Montana at the time, will continue to appear at Kohl & Middleton's museum in Chicago with the exception of two weeks about Christmas time, when he will appear and eat pounded glass on the North Side for the benefit of the World's fair sufferers. "Very badly," replied the novelist wearily. "What sort of a book do you think would catch the popular fancy?" "What have I done? For heaven's sake tell me if you can, Fred." "See heah, nigger! What for you stoppin' that fiddle for." "Oh," she replied, "it was not done for robbery, as everything in the room was as my father left it the night before. His watch and pocketbook, the latter containing a good sum of money, were found under his pillow, where he aJways placed them; so that the crime must have been committed to gratify a fiendish thirst for revenge." A shimmer of peach bloom satin in the moving mass of humanity attracted him, and taking a pair of sparkling brown eyes as guiding stars he made his way to the side of Blanche Sturtevant. "Is it possible that you don't know? Yon are not very shrewd, Laurie, or else yon are in love, and love, you know, is 'proverbially blind.'" "Go on," said Laurence impatiently. "Why, man alive, you put your letters in the wrong envelopes, as near as I can "Why not try a posthumous novel?"— New York Recorder. It is Watermelon Jim who speaks this time, and those are his last words. Doctor (with dignity)—That, madam, was 'way back in 1889. Science has made great strides since then.—New York Weekly. Drawing razors, Pete springs at his hated nval. The members of the band tune up their fiddles, while Jim's remains are carried out into the alley and tenderly laid ia an ash barrel. Mr. B langhed heartily. "Well, B," said C, "perhaps you can tell me what the shortest distance between two points is?" Clara—My physician has advised me to go to Germany for my complexion, and I don't want to go a bit. I was there only last year. An Idea. As she made room for him beside her she said: Go Farther, Fare Worse. "A telegraph line, of course," said Mr. B, triumphantly.—Youth's Companion. "I thought you didn't like receptions." A sudden ray of intelligence darted over Weston's face. "I can hardly believe that of your horses, fast as they are. Ill ask your driver." Messrs. Barney & Bradley will start "I do not as a general thing," he replied, "but this had a peculiar attraction for me." "At last you are urine!" cries Pete, as bo ( 'asps Samanthu ia his arms, and they g.D (ut to mingle with the darkness.— New York Evening Sim. "Now, then, who of all your acquaintances could do such a thing?" "I cannot possibly say. My father had not an enemy in the world, to my knowledge, or Edgar either—unless, perhaps, it might be Conrad Smithers, my father's bookkeeper and head clerk. But it would be impossible for him to do such a deed." Maude—Why don't you have it sent over?—New York Sun. "I believe I did," he said ruefully, "and see what a scrape I have drawn my devoted head into." "You'd better not. He's a worse liar than I am."—Philadelphia Times. - Our people were given, of course, to trade at that time, and one of them was embalmer to the king, doing all of his embalming, undertaking and autopsy work, which in those days amounted to a good deal. I have the journal kept by this member of the family for two of his busiest years, and I judge that times were good with him. in next season with their renovated Uncle Tom company, supported by an entirely new folding deathbed for Little Eva. The meaning he threw into the glance he bestowed on her sent the delicate rose bloom to her cheeks, and she looked ten times as lovely to his fastidious eyes. Dangers of Silence. "How did you get along with Mi« Green?" "Could you make it up with Miss Wellington?" A Pronounced An Aristocratic Nature. Sh«/—I understand there is a tailor in London who just looks at you bard for a few moments, and when your clothes come home they fit you perfectly. The eighty-third annual benefit for Little Petie, the child violinist of Southeast Haddem, will be held at the Bchool house north of town in July. It will include a reading from Browning and a greased pig race. Messrs. Early & Bird, owners of the "Singed Cat," a travesty on the opera of "Tutti Frutti," have scored a success. They cleared $80,000 during the season, but will not produce it next year owing to ill health. They offer their scenerv for sale in another colnmn. Also two good theatrical trunks, one valise and a parrot, neither of which has been damaged to speak of. The ad. referred to is signed Reduced Circumstances, care of this office. Larry Dogan, who cast a gloom over the community last season by crushing the skull of his adversary in a two round go at the Palace rink, will star in "All the World Agin Him," taking the title role or any other role that is not riveted to a fireproof building. He is rehearsing his lines studiously at present at the Inebriates' Home on Long Island. Miss Birdie Coonpelter, who has acted as the Bearded Lady during an unparalleled series of years, and with wonderful succmss, shows signs, it is said, of yielding to the mental strain, and in October next will shave and retire permanently from the stage. A farewell op- "Wby, I said nothing and she talked. At the end of the conversation she announced that we were—engaged."—Fliegende Blatter. "I feel sure I could. But Miss Sturtevant has practically accepted me, and see how I must insult her." But suddenly, while he gazed at her pretty flushed face, a queer sensation seized him. He felt actually timid about asking this beautiful girl to be his wife, even though he had been for years a man of the world. Somehow he felt as though she could read his very thoughts with those bright eyes. "And yet," mused Fred, "you ought to explain to Miss Wellington." "I know it," distractedly, "but if I do I must also explain to Miss Sturtevant." "Now, honestly, Laurie, do you care anything for either one?" He—That is somewhat different from my tailor. He looks at me hard for a few moments, but fails to send thb clothes.—Clothier and Furnisher. "What reason hare you for suspecting that he is not Edgar's friend?" "Only this: Some time ago Conrad, whom we have always regarded as one of the family, proposed for my hand, and I told him it was not mine to give. 'I suspected as much,' he muttered. And then, while his face grew dark as night and his features assumed an appearance perfectly fearful, he continued, 'But you shall never become the wife of Edgar Morton while I have life to prevent it.' He then turned and abruptly left my presence. I was much alarmed and thought at speaking to my father about it, but during the afternoon he returned and begged my forgiveness for the words he had used, and made such professions of sorrow in regard to them that I freely forgave him, and have «ince thought no more of the matter." It is painful now, of course, Mr. Bowersock, to recur to those happy times when we practically did a stiff business for the king and charged our own prices. According to the journal, I find such charges as these, which show that the undertaking business for many centuries has been, to all intents and purposes, what Aristotle characterizes as a dead cinch. June 12. His Majer.ty, Dr. £ a. d. To one day's time replacing vitals of man who incurred the royal displeasure by putting sugar and cream in Lis consomme at table 5 To autopsy certifying that deceased "You have certainly made this coat very much too small for me." An Ingenlons Tailor. "No, honestly, Fred, I like and admire one as much as the other." The One Thin( Needful. "That is very easy to remedy, my dear sir. All you have to do to make it fit is to take a trip to Carlsbad."—Fliegende Blatter. "Do I look very badly?" Her musical voice recalled him to his senses. . 1 o Ifii^^^^NLlw, IBsfij/ffwJ''Ilk bf my • "Why not give them both up?" "And get into the mire deeper than I am? Besides, I am determined to marry one of them." "I beg your pardon. Was I staring at you? Your dress is beautiful—and you." Badlant Beauty. Sum way—la this Miss Scadds you speak of beautiful? "Thank you," she said hurriedly. "Well," said Bent, risingto go, "I am sorry for you, Laurie. This is what your assurance and sound common sense have brought you to. For my part, I prefer romance. Goodby, old fellow." "Goodby," came mournfully from the depths of the easy chair. At the door Bent halted. "I say, Laurie, I might help you out. I might marry one of them." "If you only would; but which one?" "Aye, that's it," echoed Bent, as he cl(D«ea the door and went down the hall; and the evening breezes wafted his words back, "That's the rub—which one?"—Agnes L. Pratt in Boston Globe. "I fancied from the intentness of your gaze you had not quite decided whether I would do or not," and she laughed. Hunker—Is sho beautiful? Why, sir, I never saw a car so crowded that she couldn't get a seat in it.—New York Sun. "Are yez the ginileman that wui to catch the foive-twintjl" "I was in a brown study," he returned. "Yes. 'Tic'lar 'poiutin'nt. Wouldn't miss't for the world." "All, thin, yez may« will rist in pace: it's jut gaun!"—Judy. came to h is death by,natural causes. 10 To one gallon embalming fluid for The crowd surged around them, and two or three men looked anxiously at the seat occupied by Weston. same  To liearse ami carriages  To axle grease for same  To six extra whip crackers destroyed in trylne to set home ahead of rival funeral.,  A Forced Laugh. 8 6 "I really don't see how you can laugh at such a silly remark." Some music was playing in another room, and when the strain had ended he spoke again. Mr. Apington—I don't like to read Dickens, because I am afraid I should grow so familiar with those beastly cads, don't you know, thai when I saw them in real life I should not be properly shocked.—Harper's Bazar. "Ha! ha! old chappie; can't help it, you know. I owe the fellow a hundred florins."—Der Floh. "The fact 1b quite clear to me," J said. "I know this fellow well and the sort of company he keeps, and I shall not be A Bore Cor*. Total ....£101 3 » Yon cun readily see that times have "Miss Sturtevant," he said, "I wanted to ask you a question tonight, but the crowd is so great that there is not much opportunity for confidential talks. If I write to you tomorrow will you favor me with a reply?" surprised to find that he committed the murder. Now, then, I want to we the body of yonr father and the room in Which the deed was done." materially changed, when about the only one of our family now in England is a chimney sweep, and with no draught on the royal flues at that. We feel it keenly, Mr. Bowersock, and von cannot wonder Cnat we are, as a family, a 4e soured, "You miss continually!" All Arranged. Good Taste. Sister Mary—Say, Jack, you're not really going to marry that De Glitter girl; why, she is utterly devoid of sense. "It is really of no consequence, you see. The hares know well enough that I mean to hit them."—Fliegende Blatter. "How did you like my friend Stubbin* that I brought around with me the othel evening?" said Billy Blivens. A Mean Orchestra. Undo Wayback (at Metropolitan concert—I can't make head er tail out o' that tune the fiddlers is playin'. Jack—That may be, but she has the dollars.—Scribner's Magazine. "Well, Mr. Ferguson," she said, rising and preparing . accompany me, "you will find everything as it was when first discovered. The officer decided not to disturb anything until after the inquest, which takes place tomorrow forenoon." "Certainly!" and the brown eyee smiled sweetly, and perhaps unconsciously at him, as he rose to relinquish his seat to another admirer. "Oh, very well," replied the hostess. "He seemed to be a man of good breeding."City Niece (whispering)—It's a symphony.especially regarding royalty. Times, of port unity will be given in September for She—Are the examinations at Yale hard? Adamant. Qualified. oonrse, may change, and with his dem- American breezes that have not done so "There—that was neatly done," was his mental comment; "no fuss, no love making to undergo, nothing disagreeable, and if the fates are kind I shall have one of the finest looking and ,one of the richest women in C for my wife." "I should say so," said Billy, emphatically. "He o wn8 ono of the finest racing stables in the country."—Washington Post. "It don't seem funny a bit. Who writ it?" Butcher, who has been rejoiced by the birth of a son, is informed that the child weighs nearly eight pounds. He takes him in his arms to feel his weight and calls ont astonished, "By Jove, so ha does!" then after a moment's pause adds, "But with the bones, mind you."—Fliegende Blaetter. ocratic freedom and practical notions the to blow through her rapidly silvering He—Yes; they are so hard that you can't cut them.—Yale Record. "Beethoven." "Who's he?" Wrapping myself up in my greatcoat we set out, and after a brisk walk of ten minutes reached the handsome residenoe of my companion. I was at once shown to the room of the murdered man, and then began making such an examination as only a detective knows how to make. Circumstances of the most trivial character, which would be overlooked by an ignorant person, are often seized upon by a skillful detective, and sometimes constitute the most damaging evidence of guilt. In this case, however, everything had been done in the most skillful manner, and I could not succeed in making any discovery. Prince of Wales, upon acceding to the throne, might give our family access at whiskers. Sho estimates that over 8,000,000 people at least have been de- the same time to the chimneys of the lighted by her genius. She is very anz- .Logical. "A great German composer, uncle." royal house, thus making the Nyes once more identified with his majesty's soot; ious to quit the stage before her mind breaks down. A small boy who happened to bruise his leg said to his mother : Mlsled. "Oh! No wonder I can't understand It. Bnt considerin' th' price they charge fer tickets, I think they might play it in English."—New York Weekly. He threaded his way carefully among the crowd, replying to a kindly greeting here and there, and presently found himself in the conservatory. Mr. Jason throw down his paper and ejaculated "Bah!" Miss Laflin—What has become of our friend Mr. Clay? but we are not depending on it. We are not selling out at a sacrifice in order to In a card to the public Mr. Stetson acknowledges that he has no proprietary "Oh, mamma, how awfully it must be hurt to be a colored man." "Hurt, my dear? Why, what do you mean?" "What's the matter, Jehiel?" asked hii wife. A Nina Tear*' Job. An eastern man who had been shaved by a barber in a small town in Iowa felt compelled to remark of the performance:Mr. Band—fie has taken employment in a powder mill for Biz months. Miss Laflin—How strange 1 Mr. Rand—Not at all. fie wished to break himself of smoking.—Puck. be on hand when the administration changes. claims the authorship of a few of the The editor of the South Hutchinson local gags. The play itself, he says, is Chieftain asks: "Could you write me the property of Mr. Palmer. a column or so of stage gossip or foyer Mr. Napoleon Musser, who possesses nuggets for publication in my paper ez- the wonderful gift of being able to susclusively? I will see that you are prop- tain a blow of 300 pounds on the top of erly remunerated for same, and if not the head, has scored a success this seawould be glad to have you come to my son. He practically has the field to himhouse while at South Hutchinson. A self, and hopes to retain it for years to good room is always at your disposal come. He saj's he notices no falling off here at any time when my wife's sister i in the stage, and will write an article for goes away, which she sometimes /-the Pan-American Review on "The Past, Yes, of course I will be glad to write Present and Future of the American you some items which may be of interest . He will have a benefit in midregarding stage doings, but if they summer, at which he has asked Dr. right in "Hamlet." He says he only Bui it was occupied. "Oh, nothing. I just started to read something here about 'How to Manage Scraps.' It was one of those fool household recipes instead of sporting matter, as I had supposed."—Indianapolis Journal.No Change. "Why, don't you know, I tumbled down this morning and made that black 3pet on my leg, and it's just as sore as it can be all the time."—The Ram's Horn. Standing under a tall palm, a radiant vision in blue and gold, stood Blanche Wellington. He—When we are married, dear, you can have a new dress every month. She—But that's what I've always been accustomed to. "You did your work so wretchedly poor that I cant believe you have been in the business over a month." His face brightened as he approached her, for anything beautiful always appealed strongly to the artistic side of his nature, and what ccfald be more beautiful than this tall, queenly woman, with a crown of golden hair and the deep blue of a violet lurking in the cool depths of her eyes! lM|i .Cnongh. He—Well, you will still have the same father, will you not?—Cloak Review. ▲ stationer's traveler, having had a nm of bad look in prosecuting business, received from the "boss" the following telegram: Everything in Seitson. Store Boy—Anything more for me to do now, sir? "Poor work! In the barber business only a month!" echoed the artist. "My friend, take a little promenade around town and make some inquiries and you'll find you do me injustice. Why, I had a steady job for nine years shaving an average of 100 men per week." Newsboy—Say, Ben, if you were sitting in the parlor with your best girl, and her mother came in and commenced wiping off the chairs, what would you think she meant? An lu; One. Ambition. Teacher—And why are you desirous of learning the German language, Johnny? I was about to leave the room in despair when, glancing toward the bed, I noticed what appeared to be a slight scratch on the neck of the murdered just above the gaping wound which had so cruelly let out his life's blood. On ez- "If yon can't make expenses, coma home at once." Merchant—Let's see. The backbone of winter is broken, and it's about time for the sap to begin rnnning in the maple trees. Get a damp cloth and wipe the flyspecks off those cans of maple sirup. —New York Weekly. The reply was, "All right. Can makt plenty of ezpenses, but no sales."—Lon* don Tit-Bite. What an opportunity there waa to win for his own this lovely girl! Ben Thar—Why, "dust," of course.— Brooklyn Eagle. Johnny—So that when ma tells me to come into the house I won't understand her.--Chicago Times. "Is it possible? Where was it?" "In Joliet."—New York World. His conversation with Miss Sturte-