Pittston Gazette

              wtF. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, MAY 15, 1891. KD«r*ui.iMHKDiM»i] Oldest NewsoaDer in the vvvornioj? VaLcy fUL. *M. *«►• 'J- t " _——— A Weekly Local and Family lournal. Speaking of the 6bo\v business reminds me of a pleasant afternoon and evening with Mr. Griswold, the old "Fat Contributor," only a few days before his sudden death. He was a most gentle and genial man to meet, and when I use the overworked word "genial" I do so because it did really fit him. He told me about his experience as a lecturer in a little place, I think, in Pennsylvania. This town had made a laudable reputation for itself twenty-five or thirty years ago because it could and did break up everything in the line of a show that had come there for years. What a glorious ambitioD! Just as some of the tough schools of the woolly wilderness used to clean out the teachers who tried to educate them. I reine'raber *Dne case where a consumptive boy teacher was virtually murdered by big boys in such a school. His successor only remained one day, but he conquered the school. He entered at 9 o'clock with a Bible, a valise and an armful of beech gads. He opened with prayer. Then he read a chapter nnd opened his valise. He took out a hammer and a big nail. Ho drove the large nail into the door frame over the latch. Then he took a big revolver out of his valise, and with that in one hand and a big beech whip in the other lip went at that school, and with wonderful generosity and liberality, and a Commendable equity, he whipped every boy in that school so that people passing by thonght there was a carpet renovating establishment inside. He did it so well that two of those boys are now said' to be in the ministry, and two of them doing time in congress for a term of years. ILLUSIONS. The uncle from Rochelle, in whose house Angelique had been visiting, came with a young man who was said to be a cousin. Angelique embraced them both, and my keen lover's eye thought it saw a feeling too tender for merely a cousin. My patience was at an end when she treated the cousin with great kindness, while she showed only stubbornness toward me. THE LIMc KILN CLUB. ! A SONG OF POLLY. belliuD1 b?r an oKl volume in rod and gold, opened it carefully and held it oat to him. WANDERING BILL NYE. ON JURY DUTY. HE KNEW HOW. Tlie free, bright gold mines of the sunset hills, The pure, sweet promises that star the stoma W hen quick foot May her emerald garment hems With apple blossoms; diamond shower that fills Winter with white forgetfulness of ills- All cheats! Gold—dross! May's imitation gems! Kvcry Day Unjuage Good Knoujli for But When lie Tried It On It Didn't Polly, Polly, the kettle sings. T! * civ's a puff of steam like fairy wings. You remember how you broke it A FEW MORE REMARKS ABOUT Member*. How He Was ISrouglit to See tlie Errol of His Ways. Work. A fragrance of Oolong stealing; Painty cliina cosily set, Krasrile as frailest of eggshell, yet i titoag in my housewife's dealing. from the bush at the gate and fastened TEXAS AND THINGS. Some time since, as Samuel Shin was cleaning up Paradise hall in readiness for the usual weekly meeting, he flung a pan of ashes out of cne of the windows fronting on the alley, and the same descended upon the head of Colonel Inquirer Jones, who was about to enter the hall. There has been bad blood between the pair in consequence, or, rather, the colonel has wasted a great deal of time in trying to catch Samuel in some lonely locality. (Mds of ten to one have bC!en giveh that he would succeed, but at the last meeting, to the surprise of everybody, he walked up to Brother Shin and extended his hand and waved the fl,ig of peace. This action was brought about by a telegram announcing the death of his mother in North Carolina. Two hours later he heard that she had lDeen dead thirteen years when the telegram was sent, but he was not the man to go back on his word. "Hello!' cried the white haired passenger, as his red whiskered friend entered the car at Cumberland street. "Glad to see you. But what's the matter with you? Going to lose your fortune or your sleep?" It was not a kind thing to do, bat he was a young newspaper reporter, and was, whether justly or unjustly, regarded as '"fresh." His city editor sent Him up to a meeting, and he started out a little too eagerly, for he got the address wrong. He was not so familiar with New York as reporters generally are, and by the time he got the address straightened out and found the correct one the meeting was over and he looked only upon closed doors. it in my hair?" ller voice trembled with excitement. "There it if, pressed in my annual, the one you gave me. I have kept it to show you." Archie took the book and bent over it. On the open, yellow page lay a long stemmed rose, withered and brown with age, the liist gift of the Archie of long He Mettn a Cherokee Exile Who Dropi Jt's hey for toast, and ho for tea! Old reminiscences brought to me a Silent Tenr and lie Is Referred to as Over the tea with Polly; There's the fragment of sons when hear** I "Captain" '—What Happened to "Tho And where are all the frail, snow diadems The world has wept away iu annual rills? "Merely to put you to the test, sir," she said, when I complained. Fut Contributor" Once Upon a Time. Yet lias the hand that framed our stately dwelling Hidden in bounty architrave and beam; Placed no black orbs in hopeless heavens knelling.But azure arch with studded stars oglcam; And spirit voices keep on softly telling To doubt the Doubter and to trust the Dream. —Charles H. Crandoll in Youth's Companion. "Been on a jury," briefly answered the red whiskered man. were young, A trembling minor never sung. Hushed in tears from Polly. [Copyright, 1891, by Edgar W. Xye.] "That means that you cut me to the quick to see if my heart still beats," I cried in anger; "but I will soon find a way to put an end to it." In Texas Still. 'That s tough," remarked the white haired passenger, -with a glance of deep "Wouldn't agree. Is that it?" For Polly and I, ay. hey for toast. Ho for the tea, too, who can boast. It lias tnrned brown while you Lave been across the sea and back again." The young girl listening outside caught Today we rode past whole township*) of cacti. All kinds of rare vegetables grow in this strange and mighty state. The fuzzy cactus flourishes here especially— flourishes like a professional penman. There is nothing small about Texas A ranch that does not embrace Of youth and love forever) Let broken heart and hint of xvronx Find cheerier note in the kettle's song, Striving with brave endeavor. Highly enraged, I went to my room. There I came across a letter of my father 8, inscribed, "To the beloved fiancee of my son." I thought these loving words of a future father-in-law would soothe her, so I took the letter to her. * —J -— ■ . ■ _ _ M m _ Tt C?s, mournfully replied the other, "Hm. Well, old fellow, I can sym pathize with yon. I've been there. Hardest job I ever tackled in my life. How long were you oat?" On the elevated train he met three other reporters going down to their offices, and he told them his dilemm% ''Oh, it's lucky you got on this train," said one brother news gatherer. "The very man you want to see is on this train. There he sits down there in the cross seat—the old man with the smbrella and the gray beard." :'uD quivering strain in the voice, and fairing the effect of the unusual excitement upon her aunt now appeared at the door. So, over the crisp brown toast for two, Aud tea in the old cups quaint and blue, Heigho for bygone Polly! Though yellowest hair has turned to white. A GERMAN BRIDEGROOM, "About sixteen hours." "Come in, Gracie, come in! I have a visitor to introduce to you." She £ook the girl by the hand and led her into the room. "This is brother John's daughter, Mr. Armitage. Gracie, this u my old friend, Archie Armitage, who haa just come from England. We have been talking over old times." In her excited joy all sense of incongruity seemed lost to her. "Why, you had a picnic," cheerfully commented the white haired passenger. "I was on a jury ten years ago. They kept us out three days and three nights. One cuss wouldn't give in, so the judge tried to starve us out." ri I had spent the evening with a'friend who lived a little out of Hamburg. As my horse bore me in sight of my home I was surprised to see a light in my father's counting house, for it was nearly 3 o'clock. Ig/ Juew myself from my horso and entered the nxjiu. My father was at his writing desk, evidently waiting for me. "It is not for me," she said, "for you do not love me, but as I take the place of one more lDeloved, I will open the letter." Old songs to minor, yet tonight We love on, X and Polly! -Jean Kate Ludlum in Travelers' Record. 'iv l "And he's a peculiar old chap," saM a Second man. "You have to know hew to treat him. He's the president of the society, yotf know." A PRESSED ROSE "Beautiful! opleuCfa.l!" she cried, when she had read it. "You have a very worthy father, and his goodness surprises me. He must know how gladly girls adorn themselves, and brides most of all. Will you not show me the jewels?'' "t*om Un, said Brother Gardner, as the meeting came to order, "I hev a few words of advice to offer which I hop® will be keerfully listened to an' impecnniously considered. I has obsarved a tendency on de part of many members of disclnb to affeck what may be tarmed de Shakspoarian style of conversashun. It cams from de white folks, of co'se-* from dat class who has been suddenly elevated by de profits of a sewer contract, an' should be sot down on wid de most vigorous disqualification. It hain't in keepin' wid de financial an' soshul stnndin' of a man who has to black stoves an' lay on whitewash at an aiverage income of selDen dollars a week I want it siopped." [Judge Cahoots, Whyfore David, Independence Jones and others began to look very serious.] '"Fur instance," continued the president, "how many members of dis club know de meanin' of de term, 'To pognosticate toward de emblematical individuality?' an' yit, at de party given at my house dc odder night, I heard it uttered no less dan fo'teen times. What's de use of a man airnin' a dollar a day obsarvin' dat he expecks to condescend to the irresponsible endeavor befo' spring? Ho doan know whether it means dat cranberries am gwine up to fo'ty cents a quart or will drap down to six, an' his hearer goes home an' can't sleep fur thinkin' about it. Sich conversashun simply implacates a resinous disinclination to absorb the proper desideratum." [Ripples of excitement with suppressed cries of "Hear! hear!"] "Didn't get anything to eat?" interrupted the auburn bounded mouth. "Not a bite," was the answer. "Not even water, though nobody asked for that. There were five flasks of whisky in the crowd and they didn't go very far, for we wasted three of 'em trying to convert the fellow who held out. The crosseyed constable at the door got tired and passed in some shooting irons. We tried them, but the cuss wouldn't budge. At last we borrowed a rope and decided to tie him up and gag him while we went into court and gave a verdict. The constable was with us, I tell you. Well, sir, when that fellow saw the rope he .wed. Got an idea we were s&oac n. isang him. He expected to be shot, but beli°v«d he wasn't, for the reason tbet cue pistols would make so much noise. However, he came over to our eide jns» as we were about to gag him and said: "You want to be diplomatic," put in the third conspirator. "You've got to let him see that you know him. Ton 'rant to come up behind him, clap  jn the back—a good, rousing whack. Ton know—and say, 'Hello, Jenkins, old l)oy, how did the little shindy come off to-night i' Then he'll think he knows fou and will tell you the whole story." "Be sure you crack him on the bade," was repeated. Grace Hetherton was happy; that is, young Grace was. There was an old Grace Hetherton too. Aunt and niece they were, one nearly sixty, the other jnst turned twenty. And the young Grace was happy that summer evening tor the same reason that Aunt Grace had ;be«» happy forty years before. She was (going to marry Archie Armitage. For yC-ars before Archie Armitage and ■(Jtace HHberton had been betrothed. He was a yosng Englishman, and a short iiraC* before the day fixed for the wedding he had been called home by the audden death of his father, leaving Grace fo wait on this side the water for his speedy. safe return. But that never came. The ship on which he took postage for England never arrived in port. Grace waited and hoped .on. "He said he would come; he will come," she said. Hpi father and mother and her brother John hoped and waited with her, but no tiding* cwjie. Until all chance for his return was pstst, they did not tell hor lhat he was deftd; that he had been drowned at sea. Thau, at last, they put away the bridal finery. The young people exchanged a swift glance of intelligence as they bowed to each other, and Grace said to her aunt: "Don't you think you are a trifle tired now, Perhaps you aud Mr. Arinitage had better wait until tomorrow to continuo your talk? You know you have not been very well." "Good morning, Henry," said lie," without laying down his pen, "I am glad that you have come. I want you to make arrangements to go to France tomorrow at noon." I looked at her in terror, arid the realization of ray thoughtlessness struck me so forcibly that I could not speak a word. "Well, you liavo not lost them?" "To France, father?—and on what errand?" "You are to be married." "Married!"' I cried in astonishment. "Yes; a daughter of Merchant Peterson, of Bordeaux." "My father must them," I 6aid at last, see the letter?' have forgotten "Will you let me The white haired . woman looked thoughtfully from one to the other. "Yes," she said slowly, "it is probably somewhat late. I will send him away shortly. Will you tell your father he has arrived, dear?" "Oh, trust me," said the young reporter. with a confident smile. Down the aisle he went, and reaching the "president" he gave him a terrific thump on the back. For one second there was An awful calm. Then "Jenkins, old boy," raised his umbrella and started for the offender. It was a chase for the door, the youiig man yelling out his apologies, the old man frantically brandishing hid umbrella and making violent whacks at the head of his assailant. The younger man reached the door in advance, however, and darting through it slammed it in the old man's face. As the wrathful old gentleman was returning to his seat1, red and; anting, three young men without consciences were letting out howls of laughter.—New York Tribune. The letter read: "The solitaire and the bracelets, which my son will deliver to you with this letter"—~ Then he took his valise and left the place. He never asked for any salary, but those who saw him last saw him with his little valise in his hand, crying over the grave of his brother, the poor consumptive teacher who preceded him, and who gave his life to this tough and heartless school. "But, father! Marry a girl whom I do not even know?" I stood as if annihilated, and cursed iu my heart a thousand times the hour in which I entered Mr. Peterson's house. ****•♦ "Certainly. It is a good family, and you can have your choice between three daughters." "Papa kuows Mr. Armitage is here, auntie," replied Grace, "and I will go back with him across the lawn. Tomorrow you'll have along day together." "Y-e-s, perhaps that is best. I seem TOE DOWNTRODDEN CHEROKEE, a whole town is hardly worth assessing. A county with a barbed wire fence around it is more like the customary thing. A friend of mine here has the best of a county. It is fenced in with barbed wire, which the outlaw used to cut now and then so that the cattle would get out aud wander away into Peru and other neighboring places. He had to keep a force of cowboys to "ride the lines" and examine the fence every day. until it occurred to him that he could make the top wire a telegraph wire, and with an instrument at headquarters he could detect a break and locate it at any time. So now a liije repairer aud a cheap operator, who has nothing to do but to communicate with himself all day, constitute the fence force in pliice of the old and expensive corps of riders and repairers. "But suppose I don't like any of them?" "No nonsense, Henry," said my father sternly. "You are to start at noon," Victoria arrived late one evening, and the impatient father set th« weddings for both daughters for the next day, In the morning D'Argenet came, embraced ine as his brother-in-law, and led me into the room where the marriage was to take place. The father, the two sisters, tho uncle and the cousin were there besides the priest. Victoria was absent. Soon two ladies entered the room, and I was greatly astonished when, as the reader has already guessed, I recognized in them the aunt of Paris and her beautiful niece. " 'Gerftlemen, I don't mind beisg starred to death or 6hot down like a man, but I obieet to having my enemiea »oing around after the funeral saying that I died like a horse thief. The prisoner is not guilty.' somewhat dizzy. It has beeu so excit- Well, "the Fat Contributor" was advertised to "argy" at the hall on a certain evening in the town I speak of, and as he did not know anything about tho place or this record, which, I am told, is now forgotten almost, he had no fears about it, and so went there to honestly please and entertain people as well as he could, knowing that if they did not like his methods they had the divine right t D remain away. I could but obey my father's order, so noon found mo on board ship, with Hamburg gradually fading from my sight. Instead of going directly to the house of my future father-in-law, I left the ship at Bologne and went to Paris. I rented a furnished room, assumed the title of "Lord Johnsbury," and tumbled about for two weeks, seeing, hearing, and tasting whatever pleased my fancy. ing to see you, Archie." She stroked her brow slowly with her hand and sat down in her easy chair. "You'll come in the morning?" "Yes, auntie, 1*11 poipe in early and help you dress; but you must get quiet now, auntie, dear. Good night." "And, Grade, I'll put on my blue fig- "And thut," con tinned the white haired passenger, "is what I call doing jury duty."—Brooklyn Eagle. But still Grace hoped and waited. 3er clouded brain held fixedly to the one dea; her lover would return. The nonths grew into years, but still every light she looked long and anxiously lown the drive, and said, "If not toiightahe will come tomorrow.** The "father died; John brought a wife mio the big, rambling house. Grace's lair turned from brown to gray, from gray to snowy white; wrinkles came into her sweet, wistful face; nephews aud nieces grew up about her; but still she locked out from her rooms at the end of the wing and said, "He may come tomorrow." About the country she fame to be spoken of as "poor old Miss Hitherto*" Visitors to the house saw her aometimes, and she explained to them tliat she was merely "staying with John till Archie camc back." ured gown he used to like to see we in, Who He Wm Thinking Of. The theatrical aspirant is bo frequent that the manager may be forgiven for administering an occasional rebuff. and the broad garden hat, and we'll have ' the morning on the lawn. I shall have to show him all the old nooks and corners, and we'll have so much to ray, so much to tell each other." She looked up at Archie with ;i look of exquisite tenderness, and he bent and kissed her reverently, '"Do not rise," he said; "yon are overtired «uCl pe will have so much to talk of tomorrow, poodnight." He followed Grace to the door, and as he closed it behind him on the picture of the white head bent over the withered rose, he thought how much they were alike, the woman and the flower. I found tho solitaire which my father had destined for my fiancee had become loose, so I carried it to a jeweler's store to be repaired. While there, two ladies came in, one of whom was advanced in years and tho other young and extremely beautiful. She examined a pair of earrings, but the price was too high, so she reluctantly handed them back. I quietly paid the price demanded and begged her to accept them. No Faith in Human Nature. Well, after the owner of the hall had received his fee, and had filed it carefully away in the dried pancreas of a "beef critter"—which was the popular purse in that town—he told "Oris" that they had the reputation there of breaking up ever}- show that came, no matter what it was. Not because the show was poor, mind you, but because the town had a reputation to sustain. I could contain myself no longer. I flew away from the table to Victoria and seized her hand, which she gave me, blushing deeply, "Is it possible?" said I. "I have no claims upon your forgiveness but the love which you first taught me to know." Mr. Billus—Maria, what did the man charge you for building that addition to the pantry? "My good girl," said an experienced amusement purveyor, "take my advice and don't go on the stage." Mrs. Billus — Twenty-seven dollars. Just about half what I expected. "Did you tell him yon thought it was cheap?" "I suppose," she said sharply, "you "If any of you," continued the president, as he laid aside his coat, "has an ideah dat de yuse of sich words as bombastic, delirium tremeu3, Cato, inconsequential, Dante, Boston, impugn, retaliate or postmaster giueral elevates you in de corruptible an' imperious estimashun of Vanderbilt an' Gould you i\ precariously mistaken. When n membei of dis club comes to mo an' wants to borry a tablospoxiful of forty cent green tea, kase de preacher am gwiue to be to liis cabin fur supper, I want him to sot down on de 'ligo of a cheer, look me in de eye an' giv it to me in plain English. He needn't spj-ct me to heap up de measure be kase he use* sich words aa abdicate, absquatulate, Caesarism an* primeval incalctnatf." are going to undertake to save me from « terrible fate, or something of that sort." We rode up from Galveston the other day with Conductor Taylor. He is a hearty man with a genial smile filled with mirth and gilt edged teeth. He is (Much provoked.) "Just like a woman! Now I'll have to hunt up some other man to put that new roof on the coal house f"—Chicago Tribune. "Certainly." "I am mv own no longer," she replied with a smile, as she displayed the jewels, "I bear the purchase money upon my hand." "Oh, yes," he said, "the last thing was what's called the blind vocalists. Come back here and I'll show you where they had to jump out. Struck down there, about thirty feet, on that lumber pile. I bet you it was rich. One of 'em was deef, and she lost her bearings and thumped her head agin that blacksmith shop over there. Oh, they lit out like a scared covey of quails, you bet. One of "You are very kind," she said, blushing, "and these jewels are very lovely; but were they still more beautiful I oould not accept them from a stranger." "No," he replied solemnly, "I wai thinking of the public."—Washington Star. the kind of conductor who looks out for his passengers' comfort.- He telegraphed ahead and got a lunch for us, which saved our lives no doubt, for we had to travel all day on the Houston and Shreveport railroad, which is said to be the worst in the United States. Yet it is a genial and accommodating road. All the trains are accommodation trains. The one I rode on stopped fifteen minutes while a tf*ll man \rrvit back to recover his hat, and it was not a very good hat either. "Come, cousin," said Angelique, "since my bridegroom has deserted me, let us go through theceremonv together. He may do what ho wishes." No Laughing Allowed. fJoHN BUNG Hf AO i COOP 6 R » C A Ufcff?  Before the New Year's Dinner. An old play bill of the year 1734, which is preserved as a curiosity in tho museum at Brunswick, winds up as follows: 1 urged in vain, and again expressing their thanks, they went away. To my delight a few days later I met the ladies walking in the Tuilleries. I hastened to them with earnest questions, requests and assurances, and after a long conversation their cautiousness seemed gradually to give way to sympathy. I took advantage of this fact to offer her the solitaire, and it was placed firmly on her finger before she could think of any opposition. When Grace opened the door of the old wing the next morning she flopped abruptly. The lamp still burned on the table, and beside it in the easy chair sat her aunt as they had left her, but with plosed eyes, and au odd, happy look of youth upon her face, still holding in her lifeless hand the stem of the rose, its fragile petals lying scattered among the soft folds of her dress and on the floor about her.—Charles Edwin Kinkead in Pittsburg Bulletin, My embarrassment was over. I looked at the father inquiringly, but he could not speak from agitation. He placed our hands together and led ns to the othor couples. The priest then began without waiting for command, and in ten minutes the three sisters became three wives. "For the sake of the convenience of the public, the first row in the pit aw» directed to lie down, the second row to kneel and the third to stand, so as to enable all the spectators to see the performance. Laughing is prohibited, as the play is a tragedy."—London Tit-Bite Now, after forty years, another Grace Hetherton was to marry another Archie Armitage. John's daughter, Grade, had met the second Archie while traveling abroad. He was the son of the drowned man's brother, and in face and figure, in Dpice and bearing, was remarkably like }iis «*Bcle. When the train pauses at a station on the Houston and Shreveport road the little bronze razorback hog comes and eats the axle grease off the cars, and the inebriated Cherokee Indian assists his jag on board the train and reproaches the white man for robbing him of his lands. We had one as a fellow passenger. He wore a pink shirt, with large, wide flounces at the wrists and around his neck. Ho had been drinking, so 1 was told by people who knew him, though 1 thought at first that it was his way. He spoke of the past with some sorrow, and as he held my hand a great big warm tear welled up in his dark eye and fell on my vest. He said that his folks owned all the south at one time, but the white man came among them, and two or three treaties with thirty days and costs deprived them of their once lands. Victoria, who was with the aunt in Paris, learned what news had been received from the German bridegroom, and she now knew how to explain the sudden disapjiearance of Lord Johnsbury, whom, contrary to. the promise she had given her father, she had learned to love. She wrote quickly to her sister Angelique, who understood everything and drew up a plan for my punishment. Pocketed the Insult. Gracl* walked up and down in the «weet smelling Jane twilight, from the piazza to the gate and back again. She was waiting for Archie. He had bnt recently come from England, and was soon to tak* her back with him, his bride. [More ripple3, auriny which Colonel Cahoots managed to kick Sir John Smythe on the shirf, and thus pay off an old grudge.] First Waiter — Dar's some mighty mean folks in Boston. Yon noticed dat hatchet faced man what Ise been wnitin' on. "I am doing as great a wrong to listen to you as to accept this diamond," said she, "but you are binding yourself to an ungrateful girl, for I accept this against mv will." My happiness was to be rudely interrupted, for three days after this 1 suddenly found that my money was reduced to five lC»uis. I thought the matter over seriously, and finally decided to go to Bordeaux. As I could not appear before Mr. Peterson like a beggar, some bracelets, also intended for my fiancee, came in just right, though they brought me only eighty louis. The other evening a little girl, a njite of five years, lay on her mother's lap I during the children's hour. Play was over and the white robed little figure was ready to be tucked into bed. But she clamored for a story, and tbl; mother told her of heaven; of the golden pavements, the great white throne, the snowy garments of the hngels and the perpetual praise from the harps of the great orchestra of the blessed. After the story was finished the child was silent for a minute. Then elie asked, "Mamma, have we got to do just that for ever and ever, amen?" It will be difficult to insure the orthodoxy of this precocious young person.—Detroit Free Press. Seemed Monotonous, "If I had a sou twenty jrars ole," said the president, as he looked up and down the aisles, "an' he should cum home some day wid his whitewash brush' on his, shoulder an' inform me dat de gratific4uhun of do incomparable syntax had withdrawn its objecshuns to de planetary affiliashnn, do you know what I would do? I would riz up an' put my No. 13's agin him wid slcli auxiliary reprehensibility dat he would percolate de longitudinal cumulative fur six weeks to cum. Dar' bein' no furder bizness befr' de club until its recent communica ;'imi to dd legislnchur is answered, we will redundate homeward.' — Detroit Free Press. Second Waiter—What's de matter wid him? As she paced to and fro, she caught the gleam of light from her aunt's windows in the old wing. It occurred to her to go and sit there with the old lady until Archie came. She had told Aunt Grace some time before of her engagement, bnt when Bhe gave her lover's name, the gentle voice had checked her. "Do pot talk nonsense, child, dear! Archie Armitage is coming over 6ea, true enough. 1 have been waiting for him. Von must not claim him for your sweetheart, my dear Grade." That had endt*? the matter. Aunt Grace dismissed the subject as nonsense, and was not to be reasoned out of it. So when the young Archie had come for his first visit to the little town he bad not been presented to the mistress of the pretty ground floor rooms in the old wing of the Iletherton mansion. "He insnlted me wid e- dinje." "What did yon do?" . "I accepted it wid indignashun."— ' Texas Sittings. Small Boy (pointing to cooper shopD- Say, uncle, let's stop and get some. Uncle—Some what? Four weeks flew by in this delightful family gathering, which seemed like four days. When the time came for separation I begged my father-in-law for liis blessing. And the Wind Blew. Small Boy—Hoops. Then you c'n eat as much as you want to an' not bust.— Exchange. Guest (at spring retreat for city people)—1 wish you would put another blanket on my bed. I was cold last aight. * "I have no blessing for yon except what you yourself have taken," said he. "You are taking from me my dearest daughter, but still I thank you, for I first, through you, became an entirely happy father."—Adapted from the German by William Dana Orcntt for Boston Globe. The journey to Bordeaux passed quickly enough, and Mr. Peterson welcomed me warmly. Iu the course of our conversation he spoke of a letter from my father, and I started to offer an excuse for my delay in arriving, but ho would not listen to it. Courtship at Chintz Creeb. "Ketched yer, Mott, didn' er?" "Ketched who?"' "Mott McQar." "Doin' wot?" "Climmin' er tree." Clerk—Certainly (whispering to bell boy). Tell the chambermaid to have th* blanket on that man's bed taken from between the sheets and put on top of the coverlet.—Brooklyn Life. The Cherokee has not been well treated, of course. Neither has the negro, nor anybody else, for that matter. The heathen has been imposed upon, and so has the missiohary who went across the sea to knock a little gospel into him. A missionary who graduated with me—at the same female seminary, in fact—went over to sock a little Calvinism into the heart of Timbuctoo, but his relatives today do not even know the names of the folks who ate him. On the other hand, the heathen is said to murmur a good deal about the flavor of several well meaning pastors who used tobacco to excess, and which impaired their usefulness from a food standpoint. The use of tobacco for many years makes the most toothsome people as unpalatable as a Mexican. "13 THAT ALL, CAPTAIN? Browbeating Attorney—Now, sir, look me in the face! I want a truthful answer to my question. Witness—I am trying to tell you the truth. His Training. "By gum! yer did, Teat. How's yer mar?" Obedient to Order*. Particular. 'em broke his wrist' when he fell, 'cause he tried to save his old fiddle from getting busted. Said it was all he,, had to get a living with. You better not fool with these fellers, I tell you. They're mighty spirited boys, these is." "My youngest daughters are away from home," 6aid he, "but if my oldest does not suit you they shall be sent for." A Drastic Remedy. "Right shearp peart en hustlin'." uEn yer par?" Hostess—Miss Backshaw, let me introduce the Hon. Mr. Goldmedal. An amusing case has just been tried at Kasan, in Russia. A woman of the name of Outchakine was summoned before the judge on the charge of beating a cousin of hers, named Kniazef. But tho accused had a complete answer to the indictment. We drauk to the health of my future bride, and Mr. Peterson then showed me to my room. "Right shearp peart en kickin'." "Whoop! thet's bad, 'canse"  " 'Cause wot:'' Mr. Goldmedal (immature but rising statesman)—Howdy, Miss Rackshaw! 1 believe I've been appointed by the-Ahe steering committee "to take you out to supper.—Chicago Tribune. "Trying to tell me the truth! You find it hard work, hey? Now, look me in the facei Were you not trained to tell the truth?" Gracie crossed the lawn and mounted the short flight of steps to her aunt's door, almost hidden by climbing roses full of bloom. She paused there and looked in, silently. In the center of the cozy room her aunt sat reading by a shaded lamp, her lavender silk dress falling about her in full folds. All her surroundings told of a love for the beautiful. Choice engravings and etchings hung on the walls. A great jar of old fashioned single white rosea stood upon the oj en piano. The shaded lamp cast a meliow, softened light over everything. The corners were bnt half defined. Gracie was about to go in when she heard the click of the gate and quick footsteps coming np the path. Then ?he saw Archie diking toward her. He hail seen her white dress crossing the lawn and had followed. " 'Cause — d'yer ever git lonesome, Well, Griswold said that he had agreed to lecture there, and he believed that he would try it. He began and showed good nerve. You can imagine, however, the feelings of a man who is trying to wring laughter from an audience who came to moli him, and who had not been above mobbing a helpless little band of blind singers. He got about half way through when the noise was too great for hitn, and then his wife :ami' forward. Her eyes blazed. The now# ceased for a moment. "I was amazed when I saw Constance the next morning. I could find not a defect anywhere. The build, the figure, tho complexion belonged to no country, but to that of beauty; and the brown hair which fell over her white neck in luxuriant locks, and the sparkling brown eyes were tho only signs which showed her relationship to France. Was it so wonderful, then, that two weeks after my arrival I went to Mr. Peterson and asked him for the hand of his daughter?" Teat?" ( "My cousin gave me leave in the presence of witnesses," she said to the judge, "to trounce him well if ever he broke the solemn promise ho gave me at church, to give up smoking altogether." "Course, yer knows er do, Mott." "I git lonesome, too, Teat." "My, Mott!" Not So Good sa Italian Opera. "Do you think we will have war with Italy?" "I—I don't know, sir. My folks always wanted me to be a lawyer."—Chicago Tribune. "I got er pony ea two ox teams, Teat" "Is yer, Mott?" C "I hope not. Just imagine an army of hand organists all playing in front of our city and demanding its surrender." —Lowell Citizen. Wanted to Be Smart. "En er log house." "Mercy, Mott!" "En er tater patch." "Oh, Mott!" - Kniazef could not deny this. His austere relative had come upon him unawares when en wreathed in a cloud of smoke. The judge acquitted the prisoner, but admonished her not to lay on so hard in the future.— L'Autorite. When Northcote, the sculptor, was asked what he thought of George IV Lve answered that he did not know him. "But," persisted his querist, majesty says he knows you." "hit One Thing Needful. ;'En—en—I hain't got no gal, Teat." "Yer knows I likes yer, Mott." "Say, will yer, Teat?"' Strawber—Some one has invented a new kind of bank to save money. Nov there is only one thing more they want. In the day coach there was a lady with a snuff stick in one corner of her mouth, asleep. The "dipper" is quite common here among the plain people. If one could have seen this peri slumbering there, with her snuff swab in the corner of her sagging jaw and the corncob stopper of a bluing bottle—which did not contain bluing any more, however—as it peeped from the pocket of her deep and profound mourning dress, he would have said to himself, "How cool and restful must have seemed the grave in which her husband secreted himself!" Any way that is what I said. Others, of course, might have looked at the matter differently, however. The old man led me to her, and placed her in my arms. "Knows me!" said Northcote, "pooh? pooh! that's all his brag!"—London Tit- Bits. " Wot'll yer gimme? Gimme thor pony el ?r do?" Singerly—What is that? Strawber—A new kind of man.—Munsey's Weekly. "You miserable loafers!" she said. "Cowards, every one of you! I dare you to make a move toward this stage. Here is a man who has come to please and entertain you, and you who dare not singly touch a hair of his head unite together to mob him. You contemptible coyotes! You haven't the courage to even rob a corpse until it is cold." "That's right," he cried. "Tomorrow, Constance, I shall write to your sisters, for they must be home for the wedding." The other day a citizen who rides down town on the platform of a Cass avenue car every morning received a postal card asking him to call at a fourth story room in a down town block, and he lost no time in putting in an appearance. He found the occupant to be a man who often rode on the same car with him, and the latter at once got to business by saying:H« Called The Society Detective. "Gin yer everthink, Teat." "Everthink yer got?" Old Mr. Dadkins—Ar-a-r-r! So I have caught yoa kissing my daughter, have It Young Mr. Cooley—I trust there is no doubt about it, sir. The light is quite dim, and I should feel vastly humiliated if it should turn out that I had been kissing the cook.—Pack. Angelique, the second daughter, came in a few days, but Victoria still remained away. This delayed tho marriage, and I had sufficient opportunity to become acquainted with the two sisters in their differences. In Angeliqua each womanly charm was on a smaller scale than had been apportioned to Constance, but she was somewhat cast down in her manner. Gradually tliis apparent sadness left her and only the ghost of it remained in the charming body which nature had equipped with irresistible interest. "Yes." soo, 000,000. "Um willin'." "But yer par's kickin'." "Let par kick. We'll jine, Mott Mar's a-hustlin'."—Times-Democrat. She—I'll never mary a man whose fortune hasn't at least five ciphers in it. He (exultinsly)—Oh, darling, mine's all ciphers.—Washington Star. 'Til hide from him behind the rosea and let him hunt," she thought, and quickly drew back at th« side of the steps. The young man came np the steps. "Grace!" he called; "Grace!" Then the leoture went on. Griswold had to knock down two or three toughs at the door, but he said he did not mind that. People at the door were liable to knock down something anyhow. 4n Outcast of Fortune. A Question ol Time. The Ideal The sound of a fearful racket cami from up stairs, and when the mothei went up Tom was giving Jim bodily injury to the best of his ability. The figure in the room reading by tb$ shaded lamp turned at the voice. She rose, and for one trembling, uncertain moiqent stood still. Then, with the lovelight in her eyee, with arms outstretched, with the smile of her happy girlhood upon her face, she moved eagerly toward the door. There stood the young man, pausing on the threshold, looking in. "Henry!" cried Mrs. Von Toodles, grasping her somnolent husband by the arm, "Ilenry, there arc burglars in the house! Get up and go down!" "Thursday morning last we rode down on the same car, remember?" "Y-e-s. It was snowing. I gave you * light for your cigar," "Here, here, what's the matter? Ain't you ashamed of yourself, Thomas, for striking your little brother? Oh, for shame!" "Utter nonsense, my dear," returned Henry. "You wouldn't have a man of ray social position associating with burglars would you? Yon astonish me!"—Black and White. Everything is out of repair on the Shreveport road except the receiver. He is looking first rate. Mrs De Gadd—I heard the awfulest things about Mr. De Good today. They say he steals the church funds. Mr. De G.—Nonsense. A Day to the Cork, "Exactly. About one hundred feet west of Cass avenue you asked me if I ever saw such March weather." We gradually became more intimate, and I awarded my kisses and sighs to Constance and my conversation to Angeliqne. As often as I saw the one I lost my heart with lovo: as often as I listened to the other my whole soul fled to the charming conversationist. Each time it hung in the balance. Soon the scale began alternately to 6ink and rise, and again two weeks after my engagement I loved the beautiful Constance when I 6aw her, while the image of the charming Angelique shared my dearest thoughts. In Louisiana the great parent of waters was on the rampage. Recently pipes and flumes of one kind and another have been inserted at various points along the banks of the river, so I am informed, and when the water is high a leakage frequently occurs which grows at last to be a terrific crevasse. Then the water wanders away all over the state, and floats the pork barrel in the cellar of the better classes. "Yes."' "About seventy-five feet after we had made the curve from Ledyard street 1 replied that I never Jiad. I was honest in that reply, but I got to thinking the matter over and decided to consult my weather record. I now find that I misled yon." "Well, he made me mad. Because he's got another big boil on his neck he said you wouldn't let him go to school today, and that tha circus was going to be here this afternoon. He's getting all the boils and I don't get none.' I wish there was no circuses. 1 never did have my share of fun in this house."—Philadel- Philadelphia Time*. "Oh, I've no doubt it's true. Mrs. Veragood, that horrid young widow, you know, seems to be infatuated with him, and I shouldn't wonder a bit if they'd pawn the communion service for a bridal outfit. By the way, Mrs. Finesonl has not been out of the house for a week, and people think her husband has been beating her; but that isn't a circumstance to the way they talk about Mrs. Higlimind. I saw her on the street today and she said she felt sick, but most likely she'd been on an opium debauch. She has her husband's collars and cuffs washed at a Chinese laundry, and she's been seen to go there for them herself. Oh, she's a terror! Mrs. Highup's husband has been away for two weeks, and I've got my opinion about it, too. People say Mrs. Tiptop's hired girl left just two weeks ago, the very day Mr."  "Archie!" the gentle voice faltered; "Archie! 9 You have come—you hava corner The True Invanlnru of It Dashaway—I sent a lot of old clothes to a girl the other day. She is very charitable, and is going to send them to the heathen. • Mies Fadd—What treasures Mrs. Buhl has here in this cabinet of heirlooms! This sword, she says, was presented to her great-grandfather by Lafayette. Perhaps you can tell me the history of this snuff box? The young man understood. To the old lady before him he was the absent lover returned. He came into the room, put his arm about her and kisse 1 her. The young girl understood. She remained silent behind the roses, and watched the pair ait down together on the prim, old fashioned sofa, the face of the woman illumined with joy, her eyes looking tenderly into those of the man, her hands placed caressingly on his shoulders. In her mind the passing years had hronght no thought of change in him she lored; she had watched for tbe same stalwart young figure, the same snnny face she had parted from. Clevt in—You in in lov« wite "How?" heathen, "I find that March, 1847, and March, 1862, were exactly such Marches as this. I therefore deceived you when I said 1 had never seen such March weather. I beg your pardon and express my regrets."She—Tell me, what deference is there between a ready made tie and one you tic yourself? lie—About an hour.—Life. Dashaway—No; I am in lov«j with the girl.—Clothier ard Furnisher We met up with the Mississippi and found where it was at, more than six hours before we really crossed it. I was almost certain that we came upon it before we got to Shreveport, but the conductor said he hardly thought that possible, because it couldn't get across the Red river owing to high water. Archie Hologist—Yes; it was loaned for the evening by the janitor of the Antiquarian society.—Puck. Bogus. One evening I set out for the summer honse, where I thought the company "And how is our old friend Sharplj doing now, Boggs? Well, I hope,3' said Billby. Too Had, "How many languages do vou speak, Mr. Dull pate?" ".Seven." was, and when nearer I distinctly heard the melodious voice of my fiancee. Edwin liooth'n Favorite Story. "I am sorry to say that, on the contrary, he is doing ill enough," replied Boggs. Cliance for uu Kuter prising Architect. "But—but"-  Edwin Booth, the melancholy Dane, is very entertaining when he enjoys a brief convalescence from dyspepsia. Here is one of the jokes he tells on Fechter, who played a round of characters in this country: M. de Calinaux is back from a trip to Italy. Apropos of Pompeii somebody asks him: "How delightful to be able to converse /a so many tongues!" "I am sorry myself about it," said Constance, "but it cannot be changed." He went out and shut the door aftei him, and then stood there three or four minutes, undecided what to do. He finally walked off to the head of the stairs, took off his overcoat and pushed up his sleeves and waited for forty minutes more, but it was in vain. The mistaken man did not appear.—Detroit Free Press. "That is all. Good day." "Why, I heard money." was coining "If you only wished to have it changed," Constance," said her companion. "But 1 may not wish it, Mr. D'Argenet. My father is under obligations to the father of Mr. Waltmann, and I must be content with this unworthy stranger for my husband." "How did the place impress you?" "Yes. It would be nice if I could tlunk of anythirg to Bay."—Puck. i lectured once in Mississippi. After I had done so, and the roar of applause had died away, a small boy with a pale, Milwaukee brick complexion, broken here and there by large melodious freckles, came forward to the footlights, and in a childish treble inquired, "Is that all, captain?" I said yes, and he went away rather reluctantly, I thought. That is the reason why I went home feeling rather depressed, for although I regarded the lecture as a financial and moral success according to Horace Greeley's standard—viz., that more people staid in than went away during the show—yet when this boy called me captain, here in a land where you can get enough majors for a mess in twenty minutes, I concluded that possibly I had missed it in Mississippi. All railway Conductors in the south are captains. Captain Taylor, of tne Santa Fe, said that they used to do a very poor business between Galveston and Houston. Once, ho said, ho played to fifteen cents a round trip. I think he used this term in order to make himself clear. "So he is, and that's the trouble. It'» a pretty poor counterfeit be makes, tax" —Chicago Times. "How did it impress me? Oh, finel But great heavens, what a mass of repairs there will have to be!"—Paris Figaro.  "I went one night to hear Fechter in a melodrama of a tragic cast. In one part of the play Fechter had to count out money. He was very deliberate and said slaivly, 'One, two, three, four, five,' and so on. The interest of the play was hanging on the tragedian's having enough money and paying it over to the villain. He kept slowly counting, and the audience grew more restless and anxious for him to finish. A witty son of Erin in the topmost gallery, getting tired, yelled: Miss Mildmaid—Do you know, Miss Haughty, that I think your neighbor— the debutante at last evening's reception —is destined to shine in society circles. Inherited. "See here! Where did yon hear all Footing: the Bill. Archie quickly took in the situation, and felt the cruelty of undeceiving her. Better to leave her shattered mind rest firm in the belief that her own Archie bad returned as he had promised than to attempt explanations, even if she would have understood them. He determined to act the part as well as he was able. She plied him with questions as to his health, the voyage, etc., and he answered with whatever apt fiction came to him, taking her hands in his and smiling back into her dimmed eyes. this?" James—Hallo, William, seen the governor yet? How did he cut up about that bill? A Bad Alim. "How did the cough mixture work that I gave you?" "I've been out collecting money for the heathen."—New York Weekly. I had heard enough, and betook myself to the house by tho same way I had come. Next morning I went to Mr. Peterson and told hin\ that I could never have the slightest claim upon the hand of the girl whoso heart was already given. He was so angry that I had trouble to hold him back, and yielded only when I suggested that perhaps Angelique might console a disappointed lover, ami I thought that in a short time I should love her passionately, if I were authorized to do so. Thus tho matter was finally settled. Of Course lie Was. William—He footed the bill. "That's good. Yon are rid of it then." "No. I was the Bill he footed."—St. Joseph News. "Badly. I spilled it all over the liedclothes."Miss Haughty—She ought to. Her father was a bootblack long enough to insure her inheriting remarkable shining qualities.—Boston Courier. (lis Fatal Mistake Late Saturday afternoon eight schoolboys. all armed with guns and bows and arrows, who had been out in the country on a hunt, were coming down Cass avenue when a boy who didn't go met them and asked: "Pardon me for mentioning it," she said, "but isn't that a new coat you have on?" "How did you come to do that?" "I didn't notice that they were hanging out on the line."—Puck. "Yotrliaveguessed aright," replied the young man, nervously removing his hands from the pockets. "My dear Miss Pendash, allow me to ask how you think It sets?" Yes, Yes. Harry—Is Miss Maude a particular friend of yours? Cleverton—I hope you won't think an «'d friend impertinent, but about how much is your income? Not Visible to tlie Nukfd Eje, Heightening Her Color. "Where's your gamer" Photographer (to young lady)—You look rather pale.- Please think for a moment of the object of your affections —that will heigh) en your complexion a little.—Der UlJfr "None o' yer bizness." " 'Say, Mr. Fcchter, give him a check.'" —New York World. Reginald—Well, I should say she was from the way she gave me the mitten last night. She's too particular altogether.—Detroit Free Press. "You seem to have been gone a long time, Archie. How long?" She paused and put her hand to her head. "A year —was it a whole year? Yes, perhaps as jnuch as a year. It confuses me to try to remember—but therel no matter, you are here. How long it seems since you gave me the rose that night and said goodby!" She arose and took down from a shelf Dashaway—Well, to tell the truth, old man, I live so far beyond it that it's way out of sight.—Life. For one liioment the heaving bosom of the haughty Boston girl stopped heaving. Then partly recovering herself and hastily reojiening the door, she replied: "Mr. Nervling, you need not removo the coat. Before bidding you goodby forever allow me to remark that it is of no possible interest to me, sir, whether your coat sits well or not."—Clothier and Fur- "Tramped all day in the snow and didn't get a thing! Didn't pay, did it?" "It didn't, eh!" replied the leader of the band. "Oh, no—we ate chnmps, we are! We didn't get a shot at a bluejay, and lick a boy who was sweeping out a school house! And we didn't see more'n a million rabbit tracks and hear a squirrel bark! Come on, boys—he's jealous!" —Detroit Free Press. Still March -iff On. Sunday School Teacher—Who was the oldest man? Angelique, however, did not receive the news with the pleasure I had hoped' to see, and from that hour she did her best to make me repent of my bargain. I regretted a thousand times that I had changed an agreeable sister-in-law into a cruel Ijetrothed. Tlie Koad to Fortune. Miss Hytone (at an evening social)*— Mr. Western, I imagine from your military figure that you are a West Pointer. He Wasn't a Pointer. She—We were having a most interesting game at the De Courtneye' the other evening when you began your solo He—Indeed! Who won? She—I didn't stay.—New York Her.3,1Broke Up the Game. "You look prosperous*' i am prosperous." "What line are you in?" "I manufacture a complete assortment of silver antiques."—Texas Siftings. Teacher—Why, how is Elijah the oldest man? Tommy—Elijah. Tommy—Well, he was born 4,000 years ago, and according to all accounts he ain't dead yet!—New York Herald. Mr. Western (a printer)—No. ma'am; I am of a different type—a setter.—West Shore. nisher.