Pittston Gazette

              » * * A t \ {Oldest Newsnaoer in the Wyoming Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 1891. A Weekly Local and Family lournal. * Shipping art'cles consist of the consent of parent cr guardian, together with a plug of bronae chewing tobacco, a New Testament and a marine glass holding three pints. At Annty's House. ing to your high boots, catch an early train and step quickly into the great Snore Works of a through car? Did you ever wring tlio rough, warm hand of Unele Ebon at the way station at 5 o'clock a. in., and with the memory of tansy and timothy and mignonette and fresh fried cakes and cherry blossoms, blunder hurriedly, while your eyes were a little moist from the parting, into the funky aisle 'of the sleeping catacombs, where you would think Gabriel could hardly get a bugleful of fresh air? ' HIS DLOOO PURIFIER SHE DID IT, )CJ MR. PEDDICORD'S DAY IN BED. Jkloux. If I should loan across the jasper wall, With heaven's own lilies on my bosom now. And, while and radiant, let my kisses fall Through voiceful calms upon thine earthly brow; If my low cries should reach you from the  With moans for touches of the kingly palm- Say! would you know how wholly true am I That kneel beside thee now so still and H«» vVns fi'.alth, of I'ottsrille. I had been dropped off the train at« (inall station in Nebraska, and the *T"n had been gone about ten when a yonng man rode up and called out to the landlord, who was also stationAgBHt and telegraph operator: "Has thn train passed?' "She has," was the reply. "Did you get a telegram from me-to - hold her hnre till I came?' "One fiom Smith . from Pottsville. That you?" "Yes." • "I showed it to the .qondnctor,,andie said you m«st be fresh he«could fool around here." Way in the country—where Thcy's ist bat woods, and pigs and cow*, One time when we'a at aunty's house— But the Unman I lure Didn't Want to Da An' all's outdoors and air!  An orchurd swing, and ohurry trees. PuriHed Too Mnrli Brought to the Brink of ,Ruln the MI»er- tt Cost i hot It He Takes the Doctor's Advice and ObC A dilapidated looking old man, who was chewing sassafras root with great energy, suddenly appeared in the waiting room of the Erie depot across the river, and as he approached a man who was waiting for a western rain he pulled a bottle of liquid from an old sachel in his hand and said: catne. John W. Hetherington wed§»home a ruined man. His wife, a beautiful woman, mot him at the door. u'»le Man Is Saved, "Felier vara ,iL./'e about tains Soroo Interesting Kcsnlts. "I think ril stay in bed tCxtay," remarked John Henry Peddicord when | An' ehurries in 'em! Yes, an' these Here rod head birds steal all they please, Boys who have been convicted of a capital offenso will not be accepted unless they can cancel their date of execu • tion without loss to local managers. & year aj;D Dn the marl duced himself be published in was a so ad. •*. iiyi. •; county farmer fcfdy:, "and introi^er."" I'. ir a book to t two months. It An' tetch 'em ef you dare! Wy wunst, one time when we wuz there, TVe ct out on the porch! Ins: tlv sh saw that something was the alarm clock went oil at 7 a few mornings ago. "I don't feel very well, and I read a few day3 since an article Recruits are at once, upon theft acceptance, made to bathe and visit the barber. Some have to do this before they can be examined. After the bath, new birth marks, Swiss sunsets in India infc, tattooed Raphaels and gayly romp- nesa in hi3 face, wrongi shi road trouble and hopeless- t i! pioneer tr-tury of Michigan, and liC; ranted to j :Dt in my wood cut and writ • tip my history." Or, if before you I should stand todxf Where seraphlms arc standing fair and sweet, And wilh my breath upon your eyelids say: "The v. ay was long and lonely for my feet What time 1 walVsd without you!" would you read The secret of my secret soul aright— As he Las read, who gladly giveth meed Of tenderest love to lives of little light? [ Wito wk i ' Tlig ta' vWaim' My w ire the cellar door wtiz shut jio wuz; aii' I .y get by me an' cut ♦"ties up, an' pie. . "John, dear, is there anything wrong?' lie groaned and sank down on a sofa. '•John, I know there ia something wrong. Mease tell ine." "Julia," he said, in bosky tones, "lam ruined." by a prominent physician, in which he said that if people would go to bed and stay there a whole day in every month, and keep quiet, they would live to a good old age." "My friend, you are looking yaller about the eyes, which is a suro sign that your blood ia in a bad state. One bottle of my blood purifier will restore yon to health and vigor." 'az awful funny! I could see Well, that is how an all night elevated train strikes mo occasionally. It gives me heart failure and a keen neck pain which seine day will drive ine to the use of creme de Fiftieth street is a pleasing locality on the hill where the cathedral and Vanderbilt property are; but a few blocks away, where she bathes her neglected feet iff the North river, yon can get a flat very reasonably if you do not care much about environments. It is rather a rocky neighborhood, musical with the bleat of the nanny goat, recking with the blended odors of pa.. e New York—odors that take one back to the malarial summer following the flood, or the days when Pharaoh and his hosts began to swell up and float a-shore. "Yes." The red beads in the churry tree; An' bee hives, where you got to be "Well, I didn't care li.uch about it, you know, but as Ids terms were low I kinder thought it might be all right. The old woman got onto the scheme and she wanted her pietur' in." So keerful goin' by— An' comp'ny there an' all, an' wo— H e ct cut on the porch! "Don't want it, sir!" was t'-o curt How ruined, dear "Well, I think I would," said lira. John Henry Peddicord encouragingly. "You have been complaining of a severe headache for several days, and I have become quite anxious about you." So John Henry turned over on liis pillow and settled himself for his unwonted luxury. reply The sheriff callod today, and now a card on the door announces to the world that he lias paid his respects to mo. My once famous house has fallen, and there is nothing but death left foj Broke. I dare believe it! To my wounded heart I take tliis consolation; when at last The tidal waves that driftod us apart For aye on earthly seas have kindly cast Us Bate on heaven's own shoreland, you will know flow much you wronged the soul that keepeih white And clean its raiment for thy sake! And so, Until that dear day dawneth, sweet, ''Good night.'' "Said that, did he? Saw it was signed Smith, eh?' / An' 11st et p'surves an' things 'At ma don't 'low me to— An' chickun gizzurds (don't like winss Like Parunts docs, do you?) An' all the time the wind blowed there An' I could feel it in my hair. An' its smoil clover ever' where! An' a old red head flew Purt' nigh wito over my high chair. When 10c ct out on the porch! —James VVhitcomb Riley. "All right, im5ter, all right. If a feller wants on looking y all or about the ej-es when a paunycea is at hand that's his own business. Long 'bout the middle of April you'll be on your back with a tpell of bilious fever, but you needn't lay it up "Wall, the boys said it would look pizen mean to leave them out, and so I concluded to put the five of us in. Feller said he'd group us, you know. I was to go in the middle, with the old woman and the boys kinder wobbling around in a circle. "Yes.'' "Yes." "Went right on just the same?" "Yes." "Didn't even ask what Smith?" "Don't talk that way, John. Remember that you still have me." He had just got to sleep agaia when the baby woke up. Tho baby had not read tho learned article by the prominent physician, and it would have had no effect on her if she had. She was opposed to sleep on general principles, at any time, day or night, and only succubmed at the latter time from dire necessity, when she could no longer prop her eyes open. But stay in bed all day? Never! "No." nn mc "Didn't express any anxiety, eh?" "Not the least." "Well, good-by." The next person appro;;' -he I was a severe looking woman about thirty-five years of age, who was probably an old lie looked at her reproachfully and groaned. "Oh, yes; I have you," he said after a while, "but what does that amount to when it's money that I need in my business? I cannot bear to be poor when I have been rich so long. I will kill rnvself." "Yes." —Hester A. Benedict. "Feller staid all day, took down some notes, and carried off $25 and our pict- Sinall Beginnings. "Hold on a bit. What's up?' "Oh, nothing much. My name ia Smith, of Pottsville. I was going to marry the conductor's daughter this •vening. Had to catch this train to get down there, you know." Gayly and gayly rang the gay music. That Waltz of Von Weber'». maid. A traveler on a dusty road strewed acorns on the lea, Ajid ono took root and sprouted up, and grew into a tree. Love souplit its shade at evening time, to breathe its early vows. And age was pleased in heats of noon to beneath its boughs; The dormouse loved its dangling twigs, the birds sweet music bore; It stood a glory in its place, a blessing evermore.The blithe, merry music of harp and of horn. The mad, merry music that set us a-dancing Till over the midnight came stealing the morn. "Them yaller s your month denote a torpid _ liver, ma'am," said the man as lio £avo the bottle a shake. "Suthin' here to improve your looks 50 per cent, in two weeks." ks at t corner of ox's." "And you haven't seen liim since?" "No." Stale beer, overstimnlated asparagns beds, ill ventilated hotbeds of vice, poorly corked all night ruin holes, cast off clothing, cast off children, old and damaged marriage ties, unset-tired and nondividend declaring bonds of wedlock, pnrple uosed politicians, dignified and "You shall not. It is money that you need. Come with me." "Nor received the book?' "No." Down the great hall went waving the banners. Waving and waving their red, white and bine, Asthe»wset summer wind came blowing and blowing From the city's great gardens asleep ia the dew. "And there's 110 other until after midnight I" She led him up stairs, smiling as she •went, and approaching a bureau opened a drawer and took oti t a purse. "He must have been a fraud." Baby's waking was the signal for hex mamma to rise. "Sir!" sho demanded, in icv tones, "Not a doubt of it, but I'm kinder glad of it, after all. He hadn't beet gone an hour when Bill begun saying aa how his pictur' was to look the peartest, and thein three boys fit about it for a hull month. Then the ole woman got an idea that her pictur' orter be in the middle instead of mine, and fur six weeks we never spoke a word. Then our two navbtirs got down on us 'cause the agent didn'fc call on them, and in one way and another we hev bin made miserable, if the book had cum along fchere'd hev bin no holdin' any of us." "That's all right. The sapper will be spread, the guests on hand, the preacher there, the bride ready, and 1*11 ride back home and get off these toggs and get drunk on hard cider." "Oilly fifty cents a buttle, ma'am, and made right in my own house, i'roui herbs and roots gathered by my own hand. Just opened the spring campaign, and the price is onl "What have you there?" he asked, hoping, yet fearing to hope, that the pors3 might contain means for his de- "John Henry, love," said Mrs. Peddicord, "as yon are not going to get up, 1 think I'll let you amuse baby while 1 dress. The girl is busy this morning; it's ironing morning, you know. It'll be such a help." A little spring liad lo6t its way amid the grass and fern, A passing stranger scooped a well where weary men might turn; He walled it in, and hung with care a ladle at the brink; Ho thought not of the deed he did, but judged that toil might drink. He passed again, and lo! the well, by summers never dried, Had cooled ten thousand parching tongues, and saved a life beside. Under the flairs, as they floated and floated. Under the arches and arches of flowers. We two and we two floated and floated Into the mystical midnight hours. greatly overestimated billy goats, n»u l, ooze, slime, pestilence, frog wo: ks. stench' and one long, piercing, wailing cry to heaven for soap, salvation nnd Street Pvj Crintrnrtont Beattj*, mark tho localitv. NYE HURTING TIIE SHIP'S TI1TBF.R ing goddesses of liberty emerge from the mist of gathering years and reveal to the astonished snrgeon new and beautiful designs in dados and home decorations.fifty c !i bo! i) liverv "But, man, I"  'Goawav r!"sbCu Lu,ui.;eu Joudly "See, he sai 1, opening the parse and pennies and a postage "Oh, it's all right. When the conductor comes up in the morning just ask him if he knows Smith, of Pottsrill®, and how the wedding went off last flight. Ta-ta, old chap, and you needn't mind any wild eyed telegrams which come whooping up the line ««lring for my whereabouts."—New York San. And just as the dawn came stealing and stealing.The last of those wild Weber waltzes began; I can lienr tho soft notes now appealing and pleading, And I catch the faint scent of the sandalwood fan "Don't want anv, eh! exhibiting live So 'while Mrs. Peddicord dressed, Joliu Henry Peddicord tried to amuse the baby, but the attempt was not a gigantic success. The baby wanted to get up and begin its day's -work, but John ilenry, having resolved to put into pracLice the prominent physician's theory, could not accede to the infant's demand, though it was supported by much heavy wailing. "No, sir! stamp, ions!" he ganped, "where did In strong contrast to all this came the clean and /-iist: uing decks of the Minuesota, and the trial and well fed officers who welcomed us. Wo went down to the wardroom, where I removed my beautifully dimpled high hat, and we sat down to breakfast. At the head of the table sat Lieutenant Commander E. S. Houston, commanding; on his right sat Pay Inspector J. E. Talfree, of the delirious .signature. Next to the F. E. Spinner of the navy came Chaplain S. D. Boorom, a gentle looking warrior as ever manned a menu or poulticed a sin sick soul. Then came Assistant Surgeon James F. Keenev, who has to examine the boys who apply and scrutinize them for physical blemishes. On the left of the commander sat L:?ut. A. B. Speyers. He was pleasantly situated next to me. Then came Commodore Roeder, and next Ensign J. L. Purcell. "All right, madam—all right. Torpid liver may be a good thing to have about the house, but I don't think so. Here's your pannycea, and if you don't want it I can't compel you to buy it." yon get all that?" » "I walked home," she said, "and thus saved my f.ire." The boys are questioned and sworn in on the starboard side and examined physically on the port side—on the port side of the ship. If you do not know which is the port side, you may easily detect it by asking the ensign or the commanding officer. The wash room and barber shop, containing three chairs, are up one flight, abaft the foyer. A dreamer dropped a random thought; 'twas old, and yet 'twas new; A simple fancy of the brain, but strong in being true. It slione upon a genial mind, and lol its light became A lamp of life, a beacon ray, a monitory flame. The thought was small, its issue great, a watchfire on the hill; It sheds its radiance far a-down, and cheers the valley stilll That lay in your hand, in your hand on my iC £ ifliouider. As down the great hail, away and away. All uader the flags and under the anshes. We danced and wo dauctxl till tho dawn of ihe day. "Noble creature!" murmured Hether- as ho pressed her to his heaving bosom. "You have put me on my feet . To morrow I wall resume busi- '—Arkansas Traveler. "But it won't come." The third person was a man with a marked redness of nose and rough spots on his face. Ho was busy with a newspaper when the old man approached and said: "I guess not. I may meet the feller around here some day, and if I do I shall walk up to him and say: A Bum. again *. Bloomer—Friend W;U!mp ness, To assist in the general work of amusing baby, Mrs. John Henry Peddieord unloaded on the bed a varied assortment of toys. There were dolls, tin wagons, locomotives, building blocks and the like. "Put 'er thar, young man! You are (35 ahead, but by swindling me you hev saved the hull durned fam'ly from chawin' each other into splinters!"—Detroit Free Press. But why should I dream o'er this dreary old ledger. Dr. Keeney said he had some odd experiences with color blind boys on examination. One applicant was rejected on account of color blindness who turned out to be an assorter of colors in a silk factory. After further investigation it was shown that his trouble was in distinguishing primary colors. After that he would name the slightest change in shade with great accuracy, like "pink No. 20," "green No. 15," etc., clear down to a fraction, but he couldn't be relied upon to tell plain green from blue. "One bottle will cure that nose, or money refunded." Mrs. Browning—What a pleasant smilo there is upon his features? He must have died very happy. A Terrible Vengeance. In this counting room down in this dingy old street, j Of that night or that morning, just there at thtD dawning. When our hearts boat in time to our fast flying feet? "What! What's that?" demanded the man. A nameless man, amid a crowd that thronged the daily mart. Let fall a word of Hope and Love, unstudied, from the heart; A whisper oa the tumult thrown—a transitory breath- It raised a brother from tho dost, it saved a soul from death; O germ! O fount! O word of love! O thought at random cast! Ye were but little at the first, but mighty at the last. "And the second bottle will cause every rough spot to disappear, though it would be safer for you to take a third. Three bottles for $1.25, or fifty cents for a single bottle. I war"  Mrs. Johnson—You remember the old grudge he bore the Smiths  Mrs. Browning—And the dear man By the aid of these adjuncts to infantile pacification and the expenditure of more vital force than an entire day's work at the office would consume, John Henry kept the baby in a state of comparative quiet for ten minutes, and the word "comparative" is used advisedly. By this time Mrs. John Henry Peddieord was dressed. There are some who insist that the story now being told about a prominent real estate man is not true. The people who are responsible say that his house was visited by burglars some time ago. One waited outside while the other went in to do the work. Presently the active operator appeared with such an air of dejection that the other was moved to inquire: "What is the matter, Bill? Wasn't there anything worth while inside?" "Oh, yes." "Didn't you get any of it?" "No; I was too busy." Then after a long pause he said earnestly: "Say, Jim, let me sell you a half interest in a large tract of suburban property, will you?"—Wiishingtou Post. Too Much for Him. What is it that brings me that scent of enchantment.So fragrant and fresh from out the dead years. That just for a moment I'd swear that the music Of Weber's wild waltzes are still in my earsl forgave them? Mrs. Johnson—No, he provided in his will that the property next to their residence should be used as a home for lost stits.—Binghamton Republican. "Looka-here, you old reprobate! What are you driving at?" exclaimed the patient as he stood up. What is it. Indeed, in this dusty old alley. That brings me that night or that morning in June? What is it, indeed?—I laugh to confess it— A organ grinding a creaking old tunel Bat somewhere or other I caught in the meas- I rather like the rough sea fare we had. Shall I tell you, gentle reader, you sweet thing, you—shall I tell you what we had? Yes, I fancy I hear you say, with a mellow ripple of laughter. "I am selling a blood purifier, made of roots and herbs. It's a little early, perhaps, but I want to get the start of the buckwheat scratches. Are you a drink- Wing;*. —Charles Mackay. When first received on board tho training ship the boys receive an outfit of clothing valued at $43. This amount has to be refunded if the wearer does not serve out the term of his enlistment, as the clothing very rarely fits tho admiral or heads of bureaus at Wellington, and so is practically worthless. "I'll take the baby now and dress her," she said. "I'm sure she hasn't bothered yon much, love. S'e's dust as dood as dold; s'e is moinmer'a 'ittlo toddles." Empty Arms. God's blessing on the stalwart arms ing man?'' That hold their labor duty. And bear the burdens of tfce hour "Do you mean to inpnlt mo to my face, sir? Why, I'll punch your head for a cent!"' The second half of Mre. John Henry's remarks was addressed to the baby, not to John Henrv. With cheerfulness and beauty. nre That waltz of Von Weber's, and back it all Wi*ll, then, I will tell you, provided it do»* not go anv further. L roTHi npu-y T All honor to the willing arms came. That Bight or that morning, just there at the "It wouldn't do no good, mister. Here's the only genuine blood purifier in market, and lust year I sold 7,000 bottles of it. Invigorates the liver, tones tip the blood, and if I can't cure that nose of yours I don't want a cent." That lift the poor and lowly, ,And teach us by their kindliness A lesson pure and holy. dawning. When I danced the last dance with my first and last flame. At first we had broiled fresh mackerel— at least I think it was. Yes, broiled mackerel raised on the place. Then lamb chops, with nice browned potatoes cut in triansmlar hunks, also hot rolls. Wo did not have any horse doovers. Sometimes they have huitres, but not always. Poissons are used quite commonly, especially when company comes on board. Releves occur on Tuesdays and Fridays. We had cafe noir, also sliced oranges with crushed cocoanut on- Apprentices are gradually transferred to seagoing vessels as they become proficient in the course of preparation to be laid down by the bureau of navigation. "Mommer" took the baby, and John Henry snuggled into his pillow for another snooze. He had scarcely got to sleep whea ho was awakened by *he wife of his bosom. And raptures for the glowing arms That clasp with loving sweetness, A world of joy and tenderness In beautiful completeness. Mr celta aie he spends fifty cents apiece for those cigars ,— ' I" \ My first and last! but who would believe me If, down in this dusty old alley today, Twiit the tali about cotton, the markets anO money, I should suddenly turn in some moment and say * v t'«» of a Livery Son—Father, I want to drive to Blank's Corners this afternoon. Do you need the span? Upon the expiration of liis enlistment the recruit will, if recommended, receive an honorable discharge and continuous service certificate. Upon re-enlistment within three months from the date of discharge he will be entitled to three months' pay and the freedom of the Atlantic ocean and an increase of $1 per month, which he may invest in government bonds or cover into the United States treasury, receiving silver certificates for same; or he can, through some reliable broker in New York, negotiate for a nice, large watermelon. 'Til purify you, you old assassin!" shouted the man, and ho was peeling off his overcoat to do it when the depot policeman came up and told the old man he must go out. "I'll go and bring up your breakfast, love, if you'll just mind the baby while [ go downstairs for it. There's the breakfast bell now. Baby will be good, I'm sure. I'll set her on the bed nm1 you can play with her." And rest unto the weary arms That after pining sadness Twine round our dear returning onei. And thrill again with gladness! bat I believe that would Father—My son, to get to Blank's Corners and back in time for supper will require very hard driving. I think it will be wiser to hire a livery horse —Good News. That one memory only had loft rue a lonely And gray 1 •carded bachelor - dreaming in Junes When the uights and the mornings, from the dusk to the d&wnings^ Seemed set to the music of Weber's wild tones! But sorrow for the longing arms Where hopes, like birds, have nested; God's pity for the empty arms Where darling ones have restedl —Geo rce Cooper. to them, also grown on the groui "And not sell a bottle of my blood purifier in this crowd?" he asked. "Come, out yon go!" But baby had some conscientious scru pies about going to bed just after dress ing, and she filed several emphatic protests, which the disappearance of hei mamma did not tend to render less en ergetic. Vins consisted of Phillip Best's Burgundy and frappedCrotonne Sec. Then cigars and speeches followed. I spoke on "Free Coinage and Free Lunch, the Richly Upholstered Goal Toward Which We Are All Gayly Hastening Toward." I 6poke from mere thoughts, so did not occupy much of the time. It was in every way a corker. She—Sao! Wliaffo' yo' call me your angel, Sam? A Dlncontcnted Spirit. —Nora Perry. "And yon don't want a bottle for yourself? You've got a jandice look, and tliia 'ere stuff will knock the jandice into a cocked hat in jast five doses." Wife—Do you remember ten years ago you promised me when you had made $500,000 you would retire l'rom business? Now that you have it (sobbing), why do you go on? Too Effective. He— I was thinkin' ob dein sleeves!— Indirw Bride—I'm so afraid people will find out that we're just married that I've made Will promise to treat me in public just as if he had no thought for any OD8 but himself. What words are these you siDeak to her? Unrecognized Troubled with an Elevator. Ah, tranquil words and wordly wisel You cannot it-'e her soul astir, On tiptoe, in her waiting eyes. He was led out, and told not to re-enter the depot; but he stood at the door and said to the policeman through the glass window: People who go to apothecaries to have their diseases prescribed for occasionally got very strange diagnoses. In one case a man wearing a long countenance is said to have entered an apothecary's shop and remarked: Tliis time J.ohn Henry's efforts to assuage the grief of his child were utterly unavailing. He endeavored to explain to her that the features of E4na, the chubby rubber doll, were worthy of more than a casual glance, but baby would not listen. Equally unavailing were his efforts to point out the wonderful beauties of a "choo-choo" locomotive. The engineer came on board before we left, and after examining the place where the engines used to be retired to his apartments for much needed rest. The gunner was not on board, but by good luck I did not know it while I was there, and so felt comparatively secure. While walking aft I thoughtlessly ran my umbrella through one of the timbers of the ship, but fortunately did not spread it. Husband—That's just like you. You are never satisfied.—New York Sun. You come and go; you touch her hair. The ring ujxra her slender b.uiCi. The smiling trouble of her air You note, liut cannot understand. Matron—I adopted that plan when I was married, and my husband never got over it.—New York Weekly. Other speakers followed, but space will not admit of an extended reference to their subjects or the remarks which were made. (Having made several excellent speeches at Uelmonico's this winter which have not beeu reported fully, I refer above rather pleasantly to this one.) "All right, officer, all right. If the people don't want my blood purifier they needn't havo it. It's the season to purify, but I never goagin the law, andif there's a rampage of bilious fever next spring don't say I wasn't around with my pannycea at regular price."—New York Sun. "Philosophic advice may all be very well, but some men have wound up in jail who followed it." "Why, how's that?" A Too Literal Acceptance, "I seem to have something queer in my stomach, and I want you to give me something for it." You cannot understand. Ah. so Our foolish hearts moko sport of fatel We sit and dream, while love bend£ low, A kingly beggar, at the gate! —Mary Aingo da Vara, Strung Indication. But finally Mrs. John Henry camo to her lord's assistance and carried off the baby, while ho sat up in bed, propped with pillows, ate his buttered toat. und his boiled ."drank his coffee, and thought that the prominent physician's idea was not such a bad one after all. Visitor (at public library)—If yon have the Iwund volumes of The Congressional Record for the last ten years I should "What are your symptoms?" the apothecary asked. "They were advised to take tilings as they found them, and they did so."— Kate Field's Washington. After our cigars we went above, and the examination of recruits began. We happened in accidentally while Dr. Keeney was engaged in examining a youth. The young man was attired in the same style in which Diana appears in the great painting where she is represented as waiting to be surprised while bathing. She, however, wears a large policeman's star on her forehead. This young man had no 6tar. He had on his breast, however, a very good study in Inilia ink of Washington crossing the Delaware, and on one flank the burial of Sir John Moore. The doctors have to make memoranda of all marks and brands found on these applicants and transmit them to Mr. Tracy, who is making a collection of them. "Every littlo while something seems to rise up and then settles p vck again, and by and by it rises up again." like  BILL NYES NAVY NOTES, The Minnesota is a very old ship, and, like the acting of James Owen O'ConOr, somewhat rotten. Unlike his stage work, however, it was not always rotten. Variable Weather. Attendant (ringing telephone violently)—Give me the police station, quick': There's an escaped maniac here!—Chica go Tribune. Had Medicinal Value. TLe apothecary put his chin in the palm of his hand and meditated a while. Beautiful Young Lady (at hosiery counter)—These stockings strike me as being rather loud. HE PRATES OF THE GOOD SHIP MINNESOTA AND HER MISSION. Peace and gentle, eternal slumber to the brave old ship! She has won the quiet dock and comfortable repose that come in the twilight of an honorable life. m- His breakfast eaten, John Henry Peddicord lay and dozed and lazily dreamed for perhaps half an hour, when his wife invaded the bedroom again. kS) i "Look here," he said gravely, "you Aaven't gone and swallowed an elevator, have you?''—Chicago News. Polite Salesman—But consider how they wonld keep your feet from going to sleep.—Harvard Lampoon. The Ladj's Natural Mistake. horse. Kind Hearted Lady (stopping seedy pilgrim on the street)—My poor man, is there anything I can do for you?, The Sprightly Young American Who En- Thanking the officers for the pleasure and delightful hospitality of the day, I got the ship's carpenter to hammer out the places where my high hat had buckled to, and, shaking hands all around, wo take our lives in our hands and start up Fiftieth street for home. Here it was, along this street, that the Minnesota's Japanese steward was held up by a gang and made to treat the west side. I think things have come to a fine pass when our navy is forcibly held up within half a dozen blocks of the cathedral and made to buy rum for a total stranger. She had an idea. tera the Navy With or Without Parents. Adorned With Ornamental Illustrations Gleaned from Many Sources. A Tantalizing Kltuation. "John Henry," she said, "I've no end of shopping to do, and I jnst believe I'll go today, while you are at home. No one can take care of the baby as well as you. T feel so much safer when you are homo with baby dear, and you won't mind, will you, love?" Seedy Pilgrim—You mistake me, madam. I am not a mendicant. I am trying to be an amateur photographer on $40 a month.—Chicago Tribune. Mrs. Onchange—Wolves are said to be giving the people of India a great deal of trouble. The Same Here. [Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.] At the time of this writing the United 8tates steamship Minnesota lies at the foot of Fiftieth street, North river. She is housed over for the winter, and looks like the trim little craft in which Noah defied the long wet spell and saved lag allied show to delight and astonish nations yet unborn. She is one of the United States training ships designa ted by the secretary of the navy for the pur- Mr. Oncliange—They can't keep them from the door, I suppose.—Puck. Mrs. Motherleigh—Dora, my love, waa it necessary to sp3nd fifteen minutes in bidding Harry good night? Necessary. John Heury groaned inwardly. "How is your new home coming on?" A Pleasant Prospect. Oh, no: he wouldn't mind at all. And he didn't for a whole half hour after Mrs. Peddicord had disappeared. The baby had been fed, and for the space of thirty minutes thereafter was a model of angelic sweetness. Then came a change, however, and the infant became more exacting. , Some of these lists read like the catalogue of the Louvre; others like the record of stock brands for Sweetwater county, Wyoming. Birth marks also have to go in. So the description might read something like this: "First rate. We've got the roof and the mortgage on. I think we shall have the furnace and the sheriff in before the year is out."—Munsey's Weekly. Dora (furtively rearranging a rumpled collar)—Yes, mother, it was a case of mussed.—Pittsburg Bulletin. "Maria, Maria! Oh, Maria!" "What is it, 'Zekiel?" And Then There Was Music. And yet that is West Fiftieth street, looking west as even in the broad glare of day. What must it be in the darkness? I thought as I waded up through the opaque atmosphere and the choppy pavement that I would hate to leave anything out over night in that neighborhood that I cared anything about. Especially my motives, unless I expected to find theiu impugned the next morning.The End Fond Mother--John, do you know Gertie li;u arranged a little piece for the Nanie, Michael Doorflinger; residence, Long Island City; age, 15 years; height, 5 feet 9 inches; weight, 138 pounds; eyes blue, hair reij, complexion sallow, with olive green dapples on it; respiration normal, with tendency to raw onions in excessive quantities; pulse regular, vision average; birth marks, huckleberry on pit of stomach, raisins on left flank; other marks, Goddess of Liberty in India ink on forearm, portrait of £3 shoe man on withers, Union Jack over pancreatic region, bar—V bar brand—on quarter, panorama of engagement between the Merrimac and Monitor on jDectoral region; admission twenty five cents. "Some taraal critter hez clone stole the barometer, an' I don't know whether to start the furnace or fill the water cooler." —Judge. The Pick—Do you mean that yon will never be mine? That all my labor is in vein? John Henry performed various gymnastic evolutions on the bed for his audience of ono infant, which were duly npplauded until the spectator desired a change of programme and made her desire known very promptly. piano? Fond Father—Goodl Peace for the piano means peace for all of us—Detroit Free Press, The Porphyry—Yes, all is ore between ns.—Drake's Magazine. When Father Carves the Duck. We all look on with anxious eyes "Will yon give me a light, please?" "All ri^rlit—come and get it."—Mun- Mun«py*s Weekly. His Highest Ambition. When father carves the duck. And mother almost always sighs Voutli and Age. Visitor—Are you going to be a great mm when you grow up, Willie? Willie—You bet! I'm going to be an When father carves the duck; Then all of us prepare to rise. Ambitious Youth—Don't yon wish yon were Finemind, the great author? After Mr?.. Peddicord had been gone an hour Jolm Henry thought this thing of staying at homo to rest was a delusion and a snare, and ho tried to concoct ;• good reason for foregoing his resolution of following tho prominent physician's ad vice. reaslmlam, Practical Father—Not much I don't. But I'd like to be his publisher.—New York Weekly. Blear Eyed Bill—It ain't every day that I strike a snap like this.—Adapted from Humoristischa And hold our bibs before our eyes. And be prepared for tome surprise, When father carves the duck. A pessimistic turn of mind, so called, which leads jDersons who are afflicted with it to take tho worst possible view of thing?, is sometimes developed quit? early in life. arctic explorer. "An arctic explorer's life is full ol hardships, Willie." He braces up and grabs a fork "Yes'in. But I reckon." can stand 'em, ] Awful! Whene'er he carves a duck. And won't allow a soul to talk In Sonny Florida. "To be sure," ho thought, "there's that business v.nth Sparrowgrass I ought to have attended to months ago. He livea in Frogville, fifteen miles away, over a very rough road." Dashley—Just been reading an account of a shipwreck. A crew remained for days in midocean suffering the crueleet pangs of hunger. Impertinent Curiosity. Until he's carved the duck. The fork is jabbed into the sides. Across the breast the knife lie slides, While every careful person hides From dying chips of duck. Jeremiah, who is 12 years old, is already a confirmed pessimist. Among tho things which he continually grumbles about are his lead pencils, which never havo points, and to sharpen which he always lias to borrow a knife of some schoolmate. '•I liko your spirit, my boy. There is a great deal of glory to be gained in a career of that kin;!," "How old are you?' asked a justice of the peace of Jim Webster, who was under arrest for stfaling chickens. "I dunno," said the darky. The secretary of the navy states distinctly that no allowance will be made for thCi traveling expenses of applicants, whether accepted or not. This seems rather tough, especially where the applicant is accepted, for he may bo at once ordered to make a long voyage, and unless he can get a rate on transportation his salary, which consists of $Q a month and one ration, won! 1 1De insufficient. Possibly, however, the beautiful, heaven born interstate commerce law permits sailors to ride free from port to port if they are friendly to the administration." Yea'm. And you' don't never have to wash your face."—Chicago Tribune. Cashley—Oh, pshaw I These stories are always exaggerated "When were you born?" The platter'® always sure to slip When father carves a duck, And how it makes the dishes skip! John Henry Peddicord dressed himself and took the baby downstairs, where th6 girl was ironing. Dashley—They even thought of cannibalism when they were thrown upon a desert island, but even there they could get nothing to eat. "What am do use ob me tellin' you 'bout my bu£fday; you ain't gwine to make me no buff day present."—Texas Sittings. Potatoes fly amuck! The squash and cabliage leap in space. We get some gravy in our face. And father mutters Hindoo gnice Whene'er he carves a duck. Equal to tUe Occasion, "Why don't yon have a knife of your own, Jerry?" one of tho boys asked. "Got na pockct to keep it in," said "Norah," saiil be, "I'm sorry to interrupt your ministrations at the ironing board, but I find it necessary to go to the country, and I'll have to leave the baby with you. When Mrs. Peddicord returns tell her I received a telegram calling me away on very important business, and that I shall not be back before 9 or 10 o'clock to-night, and perhaps not beforo to-morrow morning."—William H. Siviter in Drake's Magazine. Cashley—Oh, they could have worried along on a little moss cr seaweed or something. Jerry. SIGNALING FROM TOE SHORE. The l!casixD- We then have learned to walk around The dining room and pluck , From off tho window sills aud walls Our share of father's duck. While father growls and blows and jaws. And swears the knife was full of Haws, And mother jeers at him because He couldn't carve a duck. —E. V. Wright in Boston Transcript. "Then why don't you have a pocket?" " 'F I had one't'd have a hole in it." "Well, even then you wouldn't be any worse off than you are now." Dashley—Think of it—no cigars to smoke. pose of enlisting and forwarding recruit! for the servj.ee who are between the pget of 14 and 18. These youth mostly hope to be admirals as soon as they can get a move on their mustaches. Some of them, I regret to say, are disappointed. Maud—Here's a lovely bracelet from papa, with a card attached to it wishing me a merry Christmas. She—Tom, I won't stay here any longer if you mean to play poker every night. Cashley (with suddenly awakening interest)—Poor devils! Horrible, wasn't it?—America. Mabel—Lovely! But I wonder why dear papa always writes it "Xmas." Maud—Maybe it is because the bills make him "cross.'"—America. "Il'm! Yes, I should. 'F I had a pocket 'n' u hole in it I never'd have anything to lose through it!" He—My dear, we can't afford to stay here if I don't play poker.—Mnnsey'i Weekly. These boys enlist to serve as apprentices until they are of age, when they may, if still moral and free from the use of profanity, enlist regularly and have their trousers laced up the back for years to come. Minors must not try to enlist under eighteen without the consent of their parents or guardians. Some boys get pro tem. parents to come and give their consent then; when the ship sails the real parent, with a light running, noiseless hoe handle, comes down to'the foot pf Fiftieth street and threatens to knock a large chunk oft the jib of the war ship or kick her in the wi-ist if the officers do not return liis child. A Cold Day, ' It was my good fortune not long ago, in company with Commodore Boeder, who may be seen on pleasant days walking the poop of the Pulitzer building, to visit the Minnesota and watch the examining board engaged in the arduous task of selecting proper young men for the service, and forwarding sound candidates to join them that do go down to the sea in ships. Jerry sighed deeply, and went on whittling his pencil with tho dull blade of the other boy's knife.—Youth's Com- "What's the matter with you today, Tommy? You seem to be uneasy." "I am," said the bad little boy. "Yesterday was pa's and ma's wooden wedding, and all the neighbors sent 'em shingles."—New York Sun. J*oor Little Tommy. They were walking on Connecticut avenue yesterday afternoon, and it waa cold enough to freeze the hands of a clock. She had on a pair of light undressed kid gloves and he had on mittens.Customer (looking at sown JDeckties)— A dollar! Can't you show rue something cheaper? Getting Even, liis Admiration Was Chilled Customer (at any Chicago clothing store)—I don't see anything here of the right shade. Indigpen«alDle. Fulldeck— I tell you, Chips, there are no flies on that girl. It Didn't Work. Chips (whom she hid rejected)—No neither are there on (in ice palace.—St. r."aul Globe. , Clerk—But yoa have always paid $ 1.50 before, sir. Mr. K , an epicurean smoker, was traveling on the railway with a passenger from Berlin who was smoking a horrid cigar. As all hints and signs proved unavailing Mr. K: had recourse to an often tried experiment. Rising from hia seat, he politely said: Clothier—What shade do you want. "Something Chicago inud won't show '—Chicago Tribune. Customer—I am getting these for my wife.—Clothier aud Furnisher. "Jiminy!" she exclaimed, slapping her hands together, "but these kids are too cold for anything." lie Takes the Quarters. Ex-Pounder—Why did the wise king tell the sluggard to go to the ant? on." Passenger (to conductor)—WThere's tho quartermaster? * Conductor—Do you imagine you are on board a ship? Papa—Come here, TD ddlekins. Whom does papa love better liion any one else in tho world? Out of tho Mout'is of liubes. Pressing myself daintily in fine fatigue drets, with bectio necktie and high silk hat, r.nd with hair thrown carelessly back to about the time of Queen Anne, I joined the commodore, and we rode together up Ninth avenue on a palatial train of elevated cars, each of which had a blase air, like that you notice on a spring morning when you ride a mile or two through clover meads and blooming peach orchards and then suddenly step into a nice air tight sleeping car. Did you ever, ohl dove eyed reader, with the delicately chiseled Grceco-Roman nose and also delicately chiseled pocketbook, enter a sleeping car just as it was waking up? Didst ever ramble up and down a meadowy brook at early dawn, crushing the heather, and the Bweet fern, and the bull frog for an hour, and then, flushed with success, unjoint your rod and, with the dew and the daisies clinc- Jiot Kid Gloves, Tommy Jones—Say, mister, I want to get a pair o' gloves. Commerce vs. Literature, Little Willie—"Cos he had been to his uncle so many times that he was onto him.—Onco a Week. "I don't see why," he said, very comfortably.Caller—Your son has wonderful literary talent, and I think it a pity he should go to work in a store. Why don't you make a writer of him? "Don't you?" she snapped at him scornfully. "I presume it is because they are undressed."—Washington Star. "Will you allow me to open the win Passenger—No, sir; but I'm on a Pullman car and I want the porter.—Puck. Toddlekins—PaDa.—New York San Gent's Furnisher—Kid gloves? dow?' Overloaded "Papa," said Mabel, "look at the beautiful verses Herbert wrote for me about dear little Fido's death." Appropriate. No minor person under fourteen, or insane person or idiot (who is not related in any way with prominent people), or female person, whether unavoidably to or not, or deserters from the army or navy, or life convicts who are detained by state prison authorities, or Mugwumps over eighty-five years of age not taxed, i* ruptured orphans over eighty years vl age, may be permitted to enlist under the provisions of section 1,420 of the revised statutes of the United States. Tommy—-Naw. naw! "What a' you givin' us? Gloves fur grown pursons.— Binghamton Leader. Hostess—If I were sure his uucle would make him his heir I would.—Good News. At the same time he "quite accidentally"' brushed against the hand of hia fellow passenger, causing him to drop his cigar. Mr. K had the additional misfortune to step on it, and said in alarm: Boy—Say, mister, shall I carry yer sachel? Do it fer a dime. Dude—My sachel is not heavy. Boy—Well, let me carry your care then.—Good News. The Doctor's Orders. Dick—Why couldn't Harry go to the theatre with us to-night? The Drawbacks of Journalism. First Chappie—I say, ole chappie, the doc tali says I must-aw-take more exercise or I'll bo sick, don't you know. "Humph," said the old gentleman as he threw the paper aside, "I call that An Omission, "I bought my wife a bonnet today," said Bellows, "that only cost $5, and my wife was overjoyed at it." "That's strange, isn't it?" "Not at all; you see I told her it cost $50!"—Epoch. Enough to I'lease Her Tom—He couldn't possibly come; had to write the criticism of the plays for tomorrow's paper, and have them in by 8 i'clock.—Harvard Lampoon. doggerel." Second Chappie—Do as the doctah says, me boy. Mrs. Snodgrass (reading)—A man in Chicago fell sixty-five feet and was fatally injured. "Oh! I beg a thousand pardons! Allow me to offer you one of mine; they are not half bad." "Is it? Wasn't it sweet and thoughtful in Herbert to' make it so appropriate?"—Washington Post. Larkin—I know the- best way to avoid hurricanes at sea. Sum way—W ell, what is it? Larkin—Remain on the shore.—Puck. A Perfect Plan First Chappie—Ya-as. I'm going to discha'ge me vally and tie me own necktie—Street & Smith's Good News. Snodgrass—Will he recover? "The paper does not eav." Weekly '—Hunsey'i "With your kind permission," answered the Berliner, quite pleased. He took three cigars out of the case presented to him and put them into his pockety Very Unreasonable of Tliem. Squildig—A medical journal says that a healthy man will suffer more from the prick of a pin than he will from the pain of dissolution in case he dies a natural death. She—No; papa lias no positive objection to you. IIo merely thinks .you are a little too—too indolent, as it were. He says you seem to have no object in life, so to speak. A Substantial Object, Turn About. Defining It. Useful In Ills Sphere Of Course A Boston woman claims to have cured herself of a bad case of dyspepsia by the use of tobacco. Now if she can only turn around and cure herself of the use of tobacco by a bad case of dyspepsia she will have conquered her worst disease.—Norristown Herald. Applicants must be able to read and write, but, if vrell, strong and bright, will not be required to read Browning and explain sa.me while not under the influence of liqjior. An uptown "kid" asked for an egg for breakfast yesterday morning. Kicker—Why do yo'n keep Smythe in your store? He is no good as a clerk. saying Sunday School Teacher—Why did Abou Ben Adhem's name lead all the rest? "Theso are a first rate brand; IH 6moko 'em on Sundays." And with that he proceeded to light , another of his own.—Nueete Nachrich- "I don't want it very hard," she said, "and I don't want it very soft; I just want it tepid."—Washington Post. Merchant—No, he would hardly do as the head of a department, but he is all right as a counter irritant.—Detroit Free Press McSwilligen—And yet most men will still be unreasonable enough to prefer to be pricked with a pin than to die.—Pitta- Pittaburg Chronicle. Small Boy (remembering the roll at school)—Because they wrote them in alphabetical order.—Princeton Tiger. He—No object in life? Ho surely doesn't take you into consideration at all.—Indianapolis Journal.