Pittston Gazette

              Oldest NewsoaDer in the WvomiDg Valley. P1TTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 1891. A Weekly Local and Family Journal. M then offered my resignation. "What yon want," I said,with scathing and searching scorn, "is a somnambulist. I am not one of those. Search elsewhere for your firemen. I am not lacking in courage, hut 1 am not constructed according to your plans and specifications." The Fui of Brander. All along the pass of Brander, on a cold, toy ruDDer ball with ni3 bare foot, and shrieked again till the affrighted night caught up the refrain, and two men who were passing by on their way to catch a boat almost stopped to see what the matter was. A BRAVE DEED, DAVE POTTS' WIFE A REVISED VERSION WANTED VENGEANCE. RATHER PARTICULAR. HE WENT, Fall many a year ago, There trudged a slender woman Deep through the blinding snow. He Knew the Crow«l He Hud to Deal She Needed Ilim, and Ho Had No Butl* Bernhardt'* Adipose Suggests a New Uen- If He Had Been a Kicker He Bflghl Bill Wanted a Holiday to See His Uncle With ness at a Literary Entertainment. , We were sitting in a small public hall in a town in Connecticut, waiting for the lecturer to appear. There were about 300 people present, and at the moment when everybody was quiet a man marched up the center aisle, mounted the stage, and turning to face the audience he asked in solemn tones: "Is Dave Potts in this 'ere crowd?" tiering. The Conduetor Listened, AlasI bat Didn't C'»tclD On. Hare Complained. Hauged and Got It. Madly flew the sleigh over the trackless prairies. It needed not the lash that the frantic driver was using with all his energy to urge the frightened horses to the top of their speed. The blood curdling howls of the wolves that grew momentarily nearer and nearer lent wings to the panting animals, and they tore along over snowy wastes, every muscle strained to its utmost, every nerve quivering, their nostrils dilated, their eyes starting from their sockets, and long trails of filmy vapor from their steaming bodies follo wing in their wake. The intelligence that Bernhardt is growing stout has attracted its share of attention, and has suggested probabilities for the arranger aud adapter that should make him glow with satisfaction. Mr. Angustin Daly hasn't had a more brilliant .opportunity in years. The ending of the play could be fixed up somo thing like this: When a conductor on a Chicago suburban train approached a heavy set, red headed fellow the fellow said, "Look here, you have already punched my ticket twice." 'Tm rather particular about my-celery," he said to the waiter who took his order at a Dearborn street n nt ■ in■■■! "Bring me only the small stalks,-and see that they are perfectly bleached." There was to be a hanging at the county seat of a county in Illinois, and the night before the execution I stopped with a family about seven miles distant. Nothing was said about the matter until after supper, and then the man of the house said to his wife: A weary slender woman, With a sweet, soft English tongue; ▲ stranger 1a the highland glens. Feeble and pale and yoong. By this time the forked flames began to lick their chops and reiach out for combustible material. The fire fiend soon discovered, for it was but the work of a moment, that the building was fireproof, so there would be nothing to prevent not only gutting it but actually wiping it from the face of the earth. Once I was fined also for seeing a young lady home after the alarm of fire had been given. I appealed, but lost my case, and had to pay for simply an act of common gallantry. Others, I presume, would leave a bright young lady standing in the street, where the cars might run over her, and rush wildly off to a fire, but I could not do that. I never could. And with her simple story She passed from door to door: "Oh, give me just a piece of bread. And a night's rest once more. "Well, but why do you give it to me twice?" "Yes, sir." "And see that there are no specks in the potatoes. I won't touch a potato that has a speck in it. I am rather par* ticular about my potatoes." "Because," the fellow replied, "you came along and held out your hand, and I was tempted to see how often you would punch away my salary, for it takes about all I make to buy a monthly ticket. Hold on," he added, when the conductor began to move off. "I have discovered that you are a robber, and I am going to call you to account. I am going to whip you, sir." "You call Bill in, and well see what the stranger says about it." "My husband was a sailor; He hailed from Oban bay; I want to take his baby home. And lay it where ho lay. Silence. [Enter Armand.] Bill proved to be an ungainly, slab sided young fellow about 18 years of age, who had been too bashful to show up at the supper table. When he had entered the room bis father said: Sending the hired man (after tipping him) to the nearest drug store to telephone the fire department, Mr. Teeter began to twist the tail of the fire fiend alone, meantime only pausing long enough to shriek or take a sip of mince pie flavoring which stood on the escritoire."Is Dave Potts in this 'ere crowd?" continued the speaker in louder and more solemn tones. Camille—Armand 1 You arc comc, but it 1r too late. "Yes, sir." Armand—Oh, Camiilc! you must not speak of death. Think of tho vista of hope that the Koch lymph opened for you. "When you bring me the broiled fish see that it has had the skin and fat all removed. Don't bnng me any except the upper part of the body. Cut away all the tail." Til lay it on his mother's breast, And then I'll gladly go." And she held up a thin, thin hand. As white as any snow. Socially I was a great triumph as a volunteer fireman, and no one in the history of conflagrations and hairbreadth escapes could "call off" better at a firemen's ball than I, but when I would get smoke in my lungs and retire to the orchard to cough, the foreman would curse me bitterly and say that "he wouldn't be likely to take but a little more off me." Then ho would report me and fine me. I was found $5 that way three times. "Dave Potts is 'ere," said that individual, as he stood up. "Air anything wanted?" Camille—Halas! It was the lymph that faisa.it les affaires. (Society French for "did the business.'") Let tho world remember my sufferings and forget my faults. "Stranger, there's going to be a man hung at to-morrow." "Comrades," said ono of the "»~,n in the sleigh, rising up, pale, but wiA iron resolution written in every line of his face, "the wolves are gaining upon us. In five minutes more, unless they are checked, we aro all lost. If we had ten minutes we could re;ich that farm house yonder, but we cannot do it. There is only one hope. One of us must sacrifice himself for the others. Farewell!" All along the pass of Brander The wind sank soft and still; The stars stood silently above Ben Craucheo's mighty hilL "She be," answered the man on the stage. "Your wife has been tooken and wants vou." "All right, sir." "So I believe." Armand—Camille, but you must live for me. Fou cannot be on the verge of your demise. Honestly, .C'amille, yau don't look it. "I reckon not," said the conductor. "Hold on a moment. I'm rather particular about my bread. I don't want any of the end pieces, and I don't want any of this cigar shaped bread with a thick crust, either. Bring me square bread, in thin slices, cut from the middle of the loaf." "Going to hang him right by the neck." "Yes." "He's my own brother." "No!" Just then some neighbors came by on their way home from the city where they had held a theatre party conversazziony. The ladies were in full dress, and the full orbed moon came out, took a good square look at them and hastily retired behind a large, cool cloud. The gents wore, also, each a bran pneumonia suit of full dress, and all remained several moments watching the fire. "But I reckon I am. I have noticed for several years a growing disposition on all sides to rob me, and I have made up my mind that I am going to whip every man who I feel sure is a robber. I know that you have robbed me, and ] am going to whip you. Wait a minute. Lest you think there may be some doubt as to my ability to perform my duty in this matter, let me say that I have three medals presented to me by different boxing associations. What time will you be at leisure?" The Awe was like a river of glass. And doub'ed in its tide; The great black pass of Brander Rose on the other side. "Fits, and the wass kind, and two women was a rubbin' her when I cum away. Go hum, Dave Potts. You hain't no bizness crouching around a literary entertainment, anyhow." "Tooken with what?" Camilla—Little do you know of the real truth. I listen. Caring nothing for my fate, 1 became a conlirmed victim of the lymph habit. Look it me. Am I not robust? Ah! I am far from "Deing a consumptive. "He is that. I don't say it won't serve him right, but I do say that Bill hadn't orter be one of 'em to look on. He wants to go, but I say it wouldn't look right. What do you say?' [Armand murmurs something in broken English that the audience cannot understand.] An eerie place to travel through; Bat she was not afraid Of ghost or wraith, of beast or man— "I'm too near God," she said. There are two sides to the great war on Stateu Island, but in the mean time an occasional house burns down before the Perth Amboy fire company can come and chop a hole in the roof. Before they could stop him he had thrown himself out of the sleigh and disappeared.Camille—Here, take this lymph can. It will be a souvenir when I am gone. The waiter went back and returned in due time with a tray full of eatables, which he unloaded on the table. And as Dave walked out tho other man came down and took a front seat with the air of an orator who had won a prize.—New York Sun. At tliia! point there are several paths which may be takeu by the dramatist. Camille may bo made a glittering advertisement for an anti-fat company, and everybody live happy afterward; she may expire in an apoplectic attack, mangling the curtains with her teeth and raising dust from the furniture amid great applause. Or she might be allowed to go on with the lymph until she gets to bo fat lady in a dime museum, whither Armand in his devotion follows her as the tattooed man. There are an indefinite number of possible endings, any of which might be made effective by a good hand at adapting.—Washington Post. "Take back this potato," said the guest, "and bring me one that has no specks. I've got no time to dig the specks out of potatoes. I told you about that." "Well, I shouldn't want to see any one hung." The path grew longer, longer— Such poor, soft English foot! But then it was an English heart. Patient and calm and sweet. "Who lives here?" asked one gent who had taught himself not to show any emotion. D ' "I think Teeter lives here," said one of the part}-, "but I do not know them. We have never called on them, for we cannot really find out whether they came here first or we." On flew the horses. The sleigh, relieved of the weight of the brave man who had voluntarily offered himself a sacrifice to the bloodthirsty animals to save the lives of his friends, went perceptibly faster. A few minutes later and they dashed into the yard surrounding the little farm house. They were saved! Possibly before this is printed the tronblo may be quieted in soyie way, and all be again at peace. Otherwise I see no way but for a few of the wealthy taxpayers to meet at my slosh, opposite the reservoir, and form a company of volunteers to bp called the Damp and Noiseless Squirt Company of the Kills. "Look-a-here, pap," Baid Bill, to blame bekase he's my uncle?" "N-o." "am 1 Host—Now, old boy, mako yourself comfortable, and let's talk over old times. Haven't Been each other since we were schoolboys together. I told you I had married. Well, this is my house, and my wife will be in presently. By the way, you once lived in Niceville, didn't you? Old Times. At length her steps grew heavy as lead; The baby woke and cried; She stopped and fed it at her breast Upon the lone moor side. "I don't know," said the conductor. The potato was changed, and the waiter asked him if everything was right now. "Didn't I have to work last "Fourth of July?' "Y-e-s.". "Well, no matter, for I have a day off, and can ride with you until the desired opportunity presents itself." Then stranger, stranger thoughts came into her head; She saw her cottage door; She heard sweet English bells chime faint Across the highest moor. The conductor, who was evidently disturbed, went into a forward car. When he returned a few minutes later he discovered that the revengeful fellow was gone. "No," he answered. "This bread ia not cut from the middle of the loaf. Take it away and bring me what I ordered." "Wasn't I laid up on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's?" "Oh, well, then, if you are not acquainted, let us not fool away any more time here. Come, Waterloo!" As it is now, I can point out a thousand young villages of the new west with 1,000 people that would easily shame this wealthy and populous town of over ten timas the population and a dozen times the wealth. But how had it fared with that dauntless, unselfish hero? "You was." "Well, don't I want a holiday?" The bread was accordingly changed. Deep sleep was stealing o'er her lids, A soft sleep without pain; She rose and clutched her baby tight And tried to walk again "Waterlooloo, yon mean," said a l.right young lobster dealer who hap- TN'Tifil to hrD pi'finrr hv at. the time, rrid who is known as the wag ana raccoonter cf Toad Hill. Will it be believed? The gaunt, hungry wolves, diverted from the pursuit of the sleigh, had no sooner surrounded him than they seemed to regard him as a friend. They smelt of him, fawned upon him with every demonstration of delight, and one of the bolde-st and fiercest of the whole pack, evidently the leader, offered him his paw as if to shake hands with him, looked at the sleigh, now too far away to be overtaken, shook his head slowly, turned about and trotted away, followed by all the rest. The fierce, bloodthirsty wolves had recognized in this man a kindred spirit. Returned Traveler—Yes, lived there some rears. "All right now?" inquired the waiter. "Yes, but he's your uncle, you see." "What became of that red headed man?' be asked. "No! You've got some celery hero that isn't properly bleached. Bring me the kind I ordered. And hold on! There is a piece of skin on this fish. Take it back. I told you I was particular about my fish." " 'Sposin' he is? Hain't I going to stand back in the crowd where he can't see me? If anybody asks if he's my uncle, hain't I going to lie about it? When Uncle Jim was hung, wasn't I too small to go, and when they sent Uncle Dan to prison wasn't I sick in bed?" "Then you may have met Miss Flir- My own experience as a volnnteer fireman teaches me that we cannot hold tie?" "Met her? I was engaged to her. But so were all the other fellows, one at a time. What has become of her?'' "He got off at the last station," a passenger replied. "By the way, why didn't you make him pay his fare?" But vain the struggle, vain the toil; "It is too late," she cried. And from Ben Crane han's lofty top She saw white angels glide. By t! U time the hired man had returned and said that the telephone was not working, so the fire department could not be reached. The trustee then went to the engine house personally, and would have got the machine out if he had not been arrested by the police for burglary, the engine being the private property of Mean Temperature hose company No. 3£. a volunteer fireman down to the same rigid requirements that we can a paid department, and possibly the best way out of the trouble is, after all, to unite with the United States at the same time that Canada comes in. A horse attached to a buggy came ruiiuing down Grand River avenue the other day L.-kety cut, and a pedestrian rushed out, seized the trailing lines, and after being flung down and dragged through the mud a hundred feet he brought the animal to a standstill. Then he led it up to a po3t, picked up the whip and cushions, and had just got everything shipshape when a fat man, walking very leisurely and smoking a cigar, came along and took possession. lie Tli:nikcCI IIim "Because he said that I had already punched his ticket twice." "Why—er—I was just going to tell you that she is the one I married."—New York Weekly. The celery and fish were removed and brought back again in a few minutes with the objectionable features elimi* nated. "They'll robe me, without any lack. In shining robes all new," So one by one, to wrap the boy. Her garments off she drew. "Yes, he said so, but the truth is you did not punch it at all. He had no ticket. He lives at Madison Park, and is known as the biggest deadbeat in the community."—Arkansas Traveler. "Well, I dunno—I dunno," sighed the old man as he dropped the subject. I got away at 0 o'clock next morning, and Bill's tracks on the frost along the highway were then an hour old.—New York Sun. A Time to Try Men's Souls. "Is that all right now?" asked the waiter. Warm sheltered like young bird in nest. She placed him by a stone. Saying. "The angels watch the child. Until the night be gone!" Staten Island has many very attractive features aside from her fire department, fisheries, night blooming cereus, oil refineries, Constable Hook (and Ladder company), Sabbath baseball, suicide and summer street railways, which run when it is not too stormy. All these and many other reasons are urged a*rhy we should enter the Union, adding South Beach, the great Newport of Richmond county, to the desirable watering places, for stock especially, which the United States could then claim. With a large cool tunnel open at both ends and connecting us with Brooklyn we might become an important factor of the fnture great metropolis. The present United States minister to Staten Island, of course, is a good man, but as a citizen and taxpayer, also Veritas and Pro Bono Publico, I would favor annexation. "Well," remarked tho man who had jnst been convicted and sentenced, "this is my second experience in court, and it was a heap easier than the first, I can tell you." "I guess it will do," growled the guest, as he began to eat, "but if I was a kickei I'd kick about this fork and spoon. They don't exactly match."—Chicago Tribune. He was a Kansas City real estate agent. —Chicago Tribune. It Worked. No Photographs With This Story. Weeping—"If I should save thee, child. No man will show me soora." Then lay down white on the white snow. As bare as babe new born. But it was now apparent to a number of all night people that there was a fire near by, and word was sent by the Jersey Street Vestibule Horse Car line to West Brighton that the fire fiend had broken loose in the residence of Trustee Teeter, of the village of Bilgewater. S. I. The trustee having given bail, went home to 6ee what he could do toward saving his home and family. "Funny about this telephone business, isn't it?" remarked a bald headed citizen of the Cass farm as he heard somebody "helloing" at the back end of the drug store. Here is a railroad story which is related by an Atlanta man, who, however, deprecatingly waives aside the immor tality which would attach to the publication of his name. "What was your first one?" "I was examined for service on a jury in a capital case."—Washington Post. Somehow It Did Not Work. "So it was yoi horse?" asked tho mud vjverud rescuer. A Designing Woman. • • It is a brave young sailor; He bails from Oban bay; His (ruddaoe's pride, his shipmates' • • • "I don't know whether they do it intentionally or not," thoughtfully remarked young Jack Kanebiter at the clnb th9 other night, "but somehow these newspapers pass around an awful lot of unreliable information/' "Hey, you there, come here," called a sharp voiced woman from the back steps of a house to a passing tramp. The tramp plowed his way through the new fallen snow to the steps, thinking the woman had taken pity on him and would supply him with a lunch. No Arrests. "Yes—my horse. Got away from my house on Fourth avenue." "And—and"— "In what respect?" "I was handling the throttle on the Gulf, Colorado and Santa Fe in 1885," he said. "I had a fast express, and was nearing the town of Fort Worth one day in May of that year. We were behind our schedule, and were pushing the old steam hoss for all we were worth. So fast were we traveling that the telegraph poles looked like the prongs of a fine tooth comb. We were just rounding a long curve, when suddenly I spied a little child playing on the track not over 500 feet ahead. We always carried a stout leathern lasii made fast to the tender. Without more ado I grabbed that lasso, and with a single throw circled it around a telegraph pole. My act threw the engf and seven cars from the track and saved the little one—but killed 800 passengers."—Atlanta Constitution.Indignant Citizen—Don't you see thoae two boys down there smoking cigarettes? Why don't yon arrest them? "Well, in respect to your neighbors. At one time last year I had no less than eight different families using my 'phone to do all their business. They'd come in night or day, use it as long as they wanted to and for every purpose, and not one ever laid down the fee charged at a station, although they knew I had to pay $50 per year." So handsome, bold and g\y. "Oh, I wasn't worried a.iy. I knew that somebody would stop him sooner or later. There's some of that sor t always around, you know!" Bit his cheeks will pale of a sadden. And his tears gnah like a tide. If you name the pass of Br&nder, Where his English mother died. —Dinah Maria Mulock. At this moment a hose cart was heard on Westervelt avenue, running at a high rate of speed, and soon the beautifully clocked hose of Recalcitrant Ilose Company No. 2 hove in sight, but lost some time by stopping to ask a pedestrian for a few dollars to buy new uniforms for the company. "How's that, old chappie?' inquired Freddie Choker, his running mate. Policeman—Fact i3, Mr. Taxpay, one of them is my son, and the other is your son. "Why, I saw in The Examiner last week that a poor young fellow in Chicago borrowed an umbrella of a bank president, and the next day returned it." "Awful lie, that." "Have you anything for me, lady?" he said. Citizen — Um — er — very pleasant weather we're having.—Good News. And as ho drovo off without another word the philanthropist took off his overcoat, gazed at the ruin wrought, and said to the crowd which had collected: "No; you can go now," said the woman, turning into the house. "I just wanted you to walk in here so you'd break a path out to the gate." And she shut the door and bolted it, leaving the tramp to improve the path on his way out.—Boston Herald. BILL NYE AS A FIREMAN. "Well?" "Oh! but he did, really. He walked into the bank the very next day and returned it. The president was so much astonished that he called the young man back and made him his cashier at a thumping salary." Can't be Too Careful. "I own right up, gentlemen. I'm from Fooltown by tho most direct route!" —Detroit Free Press. "One day I hung up a card, stating that my 'phone was put in for the use of the neighbors alone, and that's where the funny part came in. They dropped off like leaves in autnmn. Some one killed my dog, my cat was poisoned and our hired girls were frightened off by the stories of the neighbors, my wife lost callers, my church pew was hired away from me at a higher price and the boys chalked signs on my barn doors stating that I was the meanest man in Michigan. I have got my 'phone yet, but, alas! 1 have no neighbor who would lend me enough mustard for a midnight plaster." —Detroit Free Press. THE PRECARIOUS CONDITION OF THE VILLAGE OF BIL6EWATER. The hose company soon after arrived, but the engine of course had not yet reached the disgusting episode, or holocaust rather. The fire now began to make sad havoc amid the beautiful house decorations of the trustee's high priced home. First it meandered through the cellar and used up the winter's kindling wood, baked the Rhode Island greenings, worms and all, skinned up the hollow trunk of the dumb waiter, made a pass at a fine oil painting of a lobster in the dining room—by Prang—raised a blister on the face of the clock and scorched one of its little hands, seemed to laugh mockingly at the aquarium, cooked a gold fish or two, and then went into the pantry and exploded a pie. - William Gives t Brief Insight Into the -It was in a crowded Columbus avenue car that the following laconic conversation occurred, which caused a brisk laugh, although the gentleman in the case had no intention whatever of being "funny." He got up and offered hid •eat to a lady who was standing. Too I.ate. Country Comforts. Between the "Because he was so extra honest, eh?" Department and Mr. Teeter—Life aa a Volunteer Fireman. Merely Temporary. "Exactly. Well, you see, I thought it was a bis scheme, and that I'd work the same racket before the other boys got on to it." Costomer—For goodness' sake, who [Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.] A very disastrous fire occurred night before last in the village of Bilgewater, on Staten Island, destroying valuable property belonging to our fellow townsman, Mr. Cicero Teeter, whose summer home is at Jimsenhurst-by-the-Sea, and who spends the winter here. MV. Teeter belongs to one of our best families and in Holland, as also do his haughty and high bred horses, each of the latter of which points with pardonable pride, by means of his well decked and wind toned tail, to his lineage high. In Russia. Official—You cannot stay in this country, sir. "So 1 rushed around to the Nevada bank and asked old Hellman to loan mo an umbrella. I heard there was going to be a directors' meeting the next day, and I intended to return the umbrella right in the midst of it, so as to paralyze the entire outfit: see?' "Boss idea." "Don't rise," said she. "But I have," said he.—Boston Times. Traveler—Then Fll leave it. Official—Have you a permit to leave? Traveler—No, sir. Nautical IJIood in Her Veins. "You may Bit ia the stern of the boat and work tho tiller, Miss Gaswell," said the young man as he took the oars, "if yon think you can steer." Exact In letter. Official—Then you cannot go. Heave you twenty-four hours to make up your mind as to what you shall do.—New York Sun. t Hollow Eyed Woman (in dentist1* office)—When yon made me these false teeth didn't yon promise me that they should be quite like my own? "Wliat did old Moneybags isay't" She—Will you give me a kiss, Tommy? Anon the cry of fire waa borne along the North Shore, and one of the Brighton whistles blew a low, sad blast which wailed through the shrinking night like the dying song of some old master whose death is doe to painter's colid after painting too large a town and getting himself overhet. "Why, he said that it did not look a bit like rain. 'I know my business,' said I. 'Just yon produce your gingham.' So he told a clerk to let me have an old one and take $5 for security at regular bank interest." Tommy—Not much! The next thing yon would be suing me for breach of promise, I suppose.—Munsey's Weekly. "I guess that won't be hard to do," responded the proud young heiress. "I have often heard mamma say she crossed the ocean in the steerage."—Chicago Tribune. Dentist — Without What is the trouble? doubt, madam. True Charity. Secretary of the Charity Society—The rich and good Herr Yon Knicher has just told me yon are likely to be pnt ont of yonr house this cold winter's day for non-payment of rent. Who is your landlord?Hollow Eyed Woman—I can't endure them; they torment me horribly. Dentist—In that respect are they not like your own?—Judge. Not Necessary. "You ought to have a weather vane on your barn." "Why so?" _ _  did you get that waiter? "Great Scott!-1 :hored for Keeps. Farmer Griffins — Ain't your faoa shanged some sence last night? I don't remember that 'ere goatee. Now we can hear the pulsing beat of the hoofs of those who are coming to the rescue from Tottenville pulling an engine. The fire has eaten out the whole interior of the structure, having gutted the eqtire house, and wound up by chasing the trustee himself for two squares. "But that wasn't the worst of it. When I looked at the umbrella I'll be hanged if it wasn't one that Hellman had borrowed from me himself down at Los Angeles during the boom." '' Proprietor—That's Sangvolli, the juggler. It's his dull season just now, and he's filling in a little time with me. He's quite an attraction for the customers.— Puck. "So that you can tell which way the wind blows." Boomtown Finance. Transient Quest—My friend, I've just washed., That's an icicle.—Judge. "Herr Von Knicher."—Fliegende Blatter."Oh, that's onnecessary. Silas wears a straw hat the hull year round."—Harper's Bazar. A Wearisome Adjunct. And they both lit a fresh cigarette and mused sadly over the utter unreliability of a sensational press.—San Francisco An Incident In a Newspaper Office. Small Boy Visitor—There's a great man in this family, isn't there? Odd London Signs. The sporting editor had been gazing dreamily into space. He did this from force of habit—because he wrote on spacc. Suddenly his eye fell on the „ religious editor. That worthy reeled under the shock a moment, and then re* turned the other's glance. The sporting editor took the glance, hid it away in a safe place, and remarked: As the roof falls in the Wet Spell Engine company, of Tottenville, and the Rise - Up - William - Riley - and - Come- Along-With-Me Hook and Ladder Truck company, of Eltingville, reach the ground and begin to couple on to the hydrant, meantime emitting the shrill cry of fire. It is now almost breakfast time, and several people who have been untiringly watching the fire excuse themselves and go home, not being more than mere calling acquaintances of the trustee. There are many curious signs and business announcements to be found in London; among the number: The Cold Facts. Delighted Hoetess— Ha, ha! Now tell me, my little dear, how you knew there was a great man in this family? Examiner. "I suppose," remarked the facetious parishioner, "that the young ladies keep you well supplied with slippers about Christmas?" * "Sick dogs medically attended to by the week or month. Birds to board. Ladies' and gentlemen's feet and hands professionally treated by the job or season. Round shouldered persons made straight. Babies or children hired or exchanged. False noses as good as new, and warranted to fit. Black eyes painted very neatly."—London Tit-Bits. Ho Wanted Something Recent. Small Visitor—Oh, you all look so sort o' tired.—Street & Smith's Good News. Countryman (in book store)—My wife wanted me to get her some magazines to read. "No," replied the clergyman, "I have uever had a pair of slippers given to me."—New York Sun. v Proprietor—Yes, sir: how would The Century Magazine do? Coald Indorse Him. "He referred me to you as to his honesty."Teacher—Miss Blithersome, why don't you rise for your recitation? Miss Rollison—Please, ma'am, she can't. She's been sitting on her spruce gum.—Judge. "Your daughter was married a little while ago, wasn't she?" Countryman—Gosh, no! She wants a monthly magazine.—Texas S if tings. - Sympathy. "And I certainly can indorse him thoroughly. Why, my dear sir, Fd trust that man with—with—why, with an umbrella."—Philadelphia Times. "What's become of Ebenezer Mudd?" "Yes." A Queer Fellow. "He's in New York doing literary work. He is making quite a name for himself." "TO sell you the first lot for $3,000, and the second for $5,000." "But the second is a poorer lot than the first." "And you were present at the wedding?"WALKING TO TEETER'S FIRE. Miss Smilax—Mr. Nicely has just been paying me some very handsome compliments."Certainly. I gave her away." We must, before going any further, state that the trustees of the village of Bilgewater and three companies of the fire laddies are not on good terms. The trustees and these firemen dislike each other very much indeed, and as Mr. Teeter is a trustee it is said that his loss is much greater than it would have been had his name even been Dennis instead of Cicero. The fire companies are all composed of volunteers, and as they pay dues and fines and put out fires at their own expense they feel rather independent about where they will show the most zeal. Some delay is experienced in finding the wrench, but at last it is secured, and a desirable connection made with an eligible hydrant. File* on Bridget. Mrs. Brown—Bridget, where is the flypaper?"Well, I don't blame him. The one his father gave him is awful."—Harper's Bazar. One at a Time Enough. "Ah! And how much did 6he weigh?" Not So Difficult. Mr. Macsuitor (to the fair one's sister) —And how old are you, Flossie? Flossie—Oh, that hasn't been decided yet. "I know; but the sale of the first lot will put up prices tremendously in the neighborhood."—Puck. And the frieze on the wall was observed to melt in bitter tears.—St Joseph News. "Our friend has got himself into a Very trying situation." "Indeed! How is that?" "Been elected judge."—Washington Star. Bridget—Sure, mum, it was athracht- Lig so many flois I thought ye wouldn't want it, so I burned it up.—Harvard Lampoon. Cutting—Oh, yes; he's a very queer fellow; yon never can tell what he's going to do.—Boston Courier. No 6ooner is the apparatus ready than an opprobrious epithet is hurled at the company by one of the rebellious firemen of the village of Bilgewater, hitting him back of the ear, and quicker tlian one can ejaculate the remark "scat" the hose is turned on the rude person and held there till the fire has gone out. Uncle—And now good-by, my dear nephew, and if you should need any money why write to me. Took Qlm at Hi* Word. "Not decided yet?" Proof Positive. A Good Soldier. A Terrible Suggestion. "No; ma says it'll be time enough when Kate has landed you."—Wave. Tramp—I understand that a pocketbook containing $20,000 has been found on the street and you have got it here. I lost it. "Your son has joined thfe Four Hundred and Fourteenth regiment, I hear." Claimed. Wife (tearfully)—I've lost dear little Fido, John! I've tried the Dogs' home, but he is not there. A Luc rat Ire Profession. First Stranger—I say, that's my um brella you have. Nephew (pulling a letter out of his pocket)—Certainly I will, uncle. There's the first letter now.—Fliegende Blatter. "Is he likely to make a good soldier?" "Yes." Second Stranger—I don't doubt it, sir —I don't doubt it. I Ixraght it at a pawnbroker's.—London Tit-Bits. Husban 1 (brutally)—Have you tried the sau. ige manufacturer's?—London Tit-Bit.s. "I was very much surprised to hear that you are not the son of Mr. Barrows."Next Thing to It. Police Justice—Yon! What proof have you got that you lost it? "Yes, indeed. John is a fighter. Not afraid of anybody. Why, he knocked his captain down the other night for reprimanding him."—Harper's Bazar. We as a village of 17,000 people may learn a valuable lesson from the above little incident. In the first place we must not fool with fire, and in the second place we mn# not fool with a volunteer fire department. While the two companies, for instance, squirt water at each other the damage is done, so also while the official and the fireman squabble the rates go up on insurance. A Natural Supposition. Tramp—This big hole in my pocket.— Texas Siftings. Illustrated Plirasts. Enterprise Thwarted. "Are those people really grown up?" asked a little girl whose mother had taken her to see the dwarfs. "Yes, dearie." "No; I was left on his doorstep when I was a baby, and he took me in." "You are a sort of stepsou, then?"— Harper's Bazar. Curing an Ailment. Uncle—What in creation jumping about that way for? The Runaway Caught It, Too. Mr. Sterndrif—I just caught a bad runaway. The trustees have an appropriation which they handle each year according to the dictates of their own consciences, which is supposed to go to the fire department, but this year they do not hand it over without the duly receipted bills of the department to show that the money has not been misappropriated. This makes the fire laddies hot, for they own their machines and board themselves. A fire laddie hates to have his whiskers singed off and his nose frozen so stiff that in blowing it the whole forward part of the nose may crack and fall off, but still worse he hates on top of all this to have his motives impugned, rhe fire laddie suffers, but he never iveepe. He says to the trustees of the rillage of Bilgewater: "We, especially nembers of Unparalleled Squirt No. 1, lave put up with about all we care to tend, and so we shall soon offer our lice red trucks and blue ladders for sale. 1 you are afraid that we will fool away 'our appropriation on axle grease for rar engine or rat poison for our engine louse, and you dare not trust us out of ight, we will pause before we rescue 'our abnormally plain hired girl from he blazing rafters of your burning tuildings. You have asked us for our iltimatum, and we inclose one herewith vhich we have never used. It is a nice, •right, new ultimatum, with a snapper n the end of it Use it carefully and it nil last you a long time."-* are you "Did their mammas feed them on condensed milk?"—Washington Post. The Dear Girls. Niece (from Boston)—I'm a self constituted board of health engaged in stamping out disease. Uncle—Eh? Mrs. Sterndrif—How heroic! caught him all alone? You Ethel—Clara went to Europe to get married, did she? I'd liko to see the man I'd go to Europe to marry. Mr. Sterndrif—Yes. He said that he was going out west to be a cowboy. I have just put hini to bed and will sea to him later.—Lowell Citizen. Doing Well, I once belonged to a volunteer fire company, and I recall with much pleasure the day I resigned. I never looked well on parade, and my hat was too heavy and too hoi-. I always got a severe headache and then a fire broke "Your number," said the warden to the prisoner, "is 806." Maud—Without doubt, or Timbuctoo either, I fancy.—New York Herald. Niece—My foot's asleep.—New York Weekly. "That's gratifying," said the unfortunate: "I'm in the 400 at last."—New York Herald. A Sufferer. "What ails Jones?" "He says he is suffering from dyspep- Rewarded at Last. Excited Lady (at Atlantic City)—Why isn't something done for that ship in distress? Why don't some of you  A McAllister Crew. Scalped. 'Tm catching on!" exclaimed the ambitious young literary chap. "Here's one of my poems printed in a New York paper in the column headed 'A Littlo Nonsense.'"—Chicago Tribune. "I understand you, madame. Your indignation against the cab company is highly commendable. The overcharge of one dollar, though small, is really large when we consider the principle involved.""I have Indian blood in my veins," said the barber, eia." peptic." "Why, he doesn't look like a dis- Life Saver (hurriedly)—We have sent the crew a line to come ashore, mum. "THE LATEST WRINKLE." Agent—When you get it done let me give you ray rates. My company will give yon the lowest figures iu fire insur- "I judged so," said the patient, "from the way you use your razor."—Evening Sun. "He isn't, but his employer is."— Judge. Excited Lady—Of all things! Were they waiting for a formal invitation?— N#w York Weekly. —Life. Thi* Rapid Age. The Season Over. Chollie (singing) — How can I leave thee? "Precisely. I want to sue the company for that dollar purely on principle. And your honorarium, Mr. Briefer—I am told that 10 per cent, of the amount recovered is customary?'—Harper's Bazar."Does oo love oo mamma?" murmured the fond mother to her flaxen haired year-old. Farmer—Waal, you can insure it ef yer want tor, but I guess it won't burn up very soon. We're a-Cliggin' a well.— Judge. ance, "Did she thank you for the &eat?" Womsn'a Way*. "1 have always wondered," said the newly arrived missionary to the genial cannibal, ''what became of my predecessor."Fixing His Whereabouts. "No; but after she had settled down in it she smiled sweetly and begged me not to rise."—New York Herald. Ethel (coldly)—The front door is still doing business at the old 6tand. Try that.—New York Herald. First Wife—I went to my husband's pocket for something and found a letter there. A Sensation Spoiled. "Oo's mammy's itsey bitsy tootsy cootsy, isn't oo?" The baby squirmed. Unsatisfied. "Oh, be," returned the cannibal, "he has gone into the interior."—Life. A certain young lady of Pittsburg, who baa not yet reached her third birthday, makes her pajwt's life a burden by her persistent demand for " 'tories." A Tight Squeeze. Second Wife—From some woman, I suppose. The baby squirmed again. "And oo loves oo mammy jusser lot, mamniy's ittle baby?" "Ay, Marry.*4 A Legal Distinction. sV Away with Fear. First Wife—No; one I gave him to mail a month ago.—Cape Cod Item. "Good morning, Uncle Abner. I was sorry to hear of your being convicted of chicken stealing again." "Tell mo a 'tory, papa," she will say, and papa has to submit. Fair Traveler—I do not see how you cowboys become such wonderful riders. The baby threw up its hands. "Oh, come off!" it yelled. "Don't you see I'm right in the midst of the 'Kreutzer Sonata1 Now don't disturb me again."— j!, XC~-.—- ' I V Pit Cowboy—Sometimes, mam, wo run out of terbacker a hundred miles away from camp.—Street & Smith's Good News. A Question. "Tank yer, boss; I wuz mighty sorry myse'f, speshually when dey don 'vict Under the encouragement of his little daughter "papa'' is developing into a Baron Munchausen of no mean caliber. Editor—What do you mean by this expression you use, "A shapeless mass?" Reporter—Why — er — um—anything that—I mean, something that—a—er— why, you know. me on )le ebberdence." Black and White. "What do you call circumstantial evidence? It appeared to me to be direct proof." One day not long ago, iu response to an urgent invitation, the following " 'tory" was told: They Generally Are. A dilapidated swell, who plainly had more dignity than money, entered Delmonico's dining room a few evenings ago, and after scanning the menu card given hhn by the pompous waiter, asked: "What is your cheapest dish?" "Codfish and cream, forty cents, sir," said the waiter. Practicing Economy "I look after the great responsibilities; my wife looks after the little ones." Editor—Thanks! I only asked for information.—Bingliamton Leader. "Beg pardon, sah, but here's de diffunce. Ef de witness done Bwar dat he see de hnll chicken in my han's dat's cl'ar pruff, sho naff; but when he swar he on'y see de tail fedders stickin' out un'er mer coat dat's ntiffin but jes' plain, ol' fashion sarcumstanzable ebberdence." —Boston Courier. Then the trustees appealed to the pa-iotism of the fire laddies, saying: "Surer you will not go and sell your bright ad trucks and things to a comparative tranger, and then on the Fourth of July ave no machine to haul around past the )utch pond and along the Fingerbowl oad. Come, now, boys, don't act that rayr With this state of affairs, which has «en unchanged for several weeks, it is .ot strange that when the shrill cry of xe burst forth from the massive throat f Mr. Teeter, at 11:47 on the above dght, several volunteer firemen coyly aoked out at window and then went *ck to bed again. "Once there was a mosquito. This mosquito had a family of three young mosquitoes in a nest up a big tree. The little mosquitoes said to their mamma, 'We's very hungry.' Then the mamma mosquito went to a house where there was a nice fat baby asleep in a crib. The mamma mosquito carried the baby off to litr nest, and divided it up among her children. "That's strange. I thought the little ones were the greatest of all responsibilities.—Harper's Bazar. Sufficient Proof. Larynx—Miss Oldie Wayback is very proud of her ancestry; she told me last night that her family dated back to the time of the Conquest, but I doubt if she could produce proof of it. out. When I got to a fire I was all het up and could not do anything for quite awhile. Once I was fin«l $5 for not going up into a burning loft in the night to rescue a large heavy girl whom I had never even met and who was in her bare feet. THE VOLUNTEER FIREJfAN. „ "You heard alxmt the grizzly bear that tackled a Chicago girl?" "No. What happened?" "The girl hugged the bear to death."— Life. Ilapid Transit. Keepitt—I can make a dollar go much further than you can. "How much without the queried the hungry swell. C cream?" Spenditt—Don't believe it. I can make one go clear out of sight in about half a minute.—West Shore. Miss Giddy Newfolks—Proof! What proof do you need? Look at heiaelf.— Boston Courier. His Fatal Mistake. Jennie—Oh, say, George, I want to (how you the picture I had taken today. There, isn't that lovely? "Well, bring me the cream," ordered the stranger with a satisfied smile.—New York Journal. "Same price," answered the waiter, "Two of the little mosquitoes had a leg apiece, and the mamma mosquito and the other baby mosquito each ate an arm. After these were eaten the rest of the fat baby was put away for supper. That's all of that story." A Reliable Weather -Gauge, "No barometer less than $10!" reechoed the old lady. Variety the Spice of life. A volunteer fireman has too many social strains to stand for the salary he gets. Another time I was fined for not attending a fire because I was asleep at the time it occurred. I was very angry when I learned that I was fined again, and for such a trivial offence, too. I Amy—Are you going to give Charley anything at Christmas, Mabel? Mabel—Tin thinking of giving him a hint.—Epoch. Charley Was Slow. Professor—I see, fraulein, that my remarks on the ancient Romans do not interest yon. George—Well-er-yes-it is-er-nice, but -mn—say, Jennie, that isn't the way you generally do up your hair. Jennie—Why, George! What are you thinking of? That isn't my picture; it's Fido's. "None we can recommend.' "What's this seal trouble?" asked Ig Noramus. The Inwardness of It. "Goodness gracious!" she ejaculated resignedly, "I'm so much bothered over that thing I sometimes almost wish John hadn't got cured of his rheumatism. Then we always knew what the weather was going to be."—Philadelphia Times. His Hostess (politely)—Oh, yes, Herr Professor—go on. When the narration was concluded the unsatisfied infant remarked, "Tell mo a biggor 'tory than that, papa."— Harper's Young People. Ella (contemplating matrimony) — Don't you think, Uncle George, a young couple could get on nicely on $900 a year? "Help! help! t will no one save me?" ried the haughty official as he stepped "Why, the sealskin people," said Knowitall, "want the plush people mulcted for infringement of copyright." Professor (kindly)—No, I shall change the jrabjept. We will now coqsjder th® ancient-Ureeks.—Fliegende Bbitter. *** Uncle George—Why, certainly. Thej couldn't possibly live together on that— Down to First Principles. "What do you do for a living?" ' lRr«»tha!"—liifa. And then George prayed earnestly for Leader.