Pittston Gazette

              ■""J I JewsoaDer in the Wyoming Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1891. A Weekly Local and Family Journal. KTiRbt IHEDIWD.1 AlJrtpf V VOL. XLI. K». 14. 1 UiUCoL J\ HOF TO AVOID A COLD. is a tired ltjoking bed lounge. Now a bed lounge in a breakfast room will cast a gloom over better victuals than we generally find in that neighborhood, and ah, how depressing it is when the hollow chcsted muffin, leaning on the strong arm of the butter, gives a sad cough and seems to appeal, as does also the feeble coffee, for Professor Lymph Koch to come to its aid! GEMS IN VERSE. TOO APPETIZING. FiRE! FIRE! MIS OBJECT ~ARL DUNDER A TOWN LOT FREE, HAPPENING EVERY OAY. She Had the Toothache, but She Couldn't And After All the Trouble It Was a He Had Had a Hard Time and He Could 'Nobodj Than Two Times Alilte in This Bat It Proved to Be a Bo*tng I urest* A Pathetic: Incident from the Streets of He'd nothing but his violin, I'd nothing but my song. Bat we were wed when skies were blue Brave Lore. BILL NYC'S ORIGINAL PLAN AND Resist. I":»lse Alarm. Also Talk. Country." inent Anyway a Great City. HOW IT WORKED "Hope y' ain't got tho toothache, mum," said the fish man tho other day to a Jersey City g'.rl, at whoso house ho was delivering s i mo oysters. The fish man spoke in compassionate tones, for the girl was sitting forlornly in a chair, with both hands pressed convulsively to tho sides of her face. It was 11 o'clock at night, and I waa going to my room in a Florida hotel, when a woman came out of her room, fully dressed, and asked: "Gentlemen," he said, as he approached ! the four of us seated in a row in the waiting room, "it grinds me to the soul to bo obliged to ask favors of strangers, but I've got to do it right here and now." "Well, whero have you been for the Lost three montli3?" queried Sergt. Bendall yesterday, a3 Carl Dunder softly opened the door of the Woodbridge street station about a foot and squeezed through the aperture. I had heard about the man who was giving away town lots free, and one day I left the train at a small station and hired a man to drive mc over to the site of the future great city. I found a sixty acre farm staked out into lots 20 feet front by CO deep, but only one house and one person was in sight. The house was a farm cabin, and tho person was the owner of it and the one I wanted to see. "Please, sir," plaintively began the little boy, "can you"  And rammer days were long; And when we rested by the hedge The robins came and told How they had dared to woo and win ".No," roughly answered the man addressed, brushing the lad aside and pawing on. Iiih and Outs of the Hotel Business. limihfust in a Gotham Boarding House "Do you belong to the hotel?" "No, ma'am." * When early spring was cold. We sometimes supped oa dewberries. Delicately Alluded to by One Who New York is a very wicked city, lady. It is said to be nest to Cheyenne, Wyo., for original and artificial sin. There is no place of its size where it is harder for one to live up to his epitaph than New York. Scarcely a day goes by that somebody does not cut up some deviltry here. |iven people of undoubted standing commit indiscretions. It isn't more than a month since a policeman, right here in town, stepped aside from the beaten path; and if a policeman goes astray when every good influence is thrown about him, what may we not expect from the general public? Sin not only of a local and amateur character stalks our streets at noonday, but the imported Tfrickedness, the handiwork of pauper labor, comes in here duty free. Sin, with all the advantages of many fostering and festering centuries, gets off at the barge office here, and begins to compete with the amateur wickedness of New York. "What's your ease?" asked the man on my left, who looked like a judge. He was a pale, defecate, child, nurt* nred, mayhap, in a home that had one* been a home of luxury, and all unused as yet to the cold and heartless rebufiSl that a selfish world bestows too oft OB its suffering poor. Loving hands, perhaps only an hour before, had curled his golden hair, turned down his white collar over his faded but clean jacket, and placed in his breast pocket the spotleat handkerchief that peeped out at its top. Loving fingers had mended—oh, so carefully!—the v.-orn places in the knees of his stockings, tied the bits of ribboa that encircled his slender neck, and his cheek was yet warm with the imprint of a mother's tender kiss. Or slept among the hay. Bat oft the farmers' wives at eve lifts Ileeii There. "Are there many people here tonight?""I've lost a wife and five children." "Oh, I vhas keeping quiet. I like to shpeak to you a few words today." "All right." [Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.] "No, not the toothache," she moaned, "only a horrible sore throat that is a thousand times worso than any toothache ever could be." "It is crowded." "Well?" Came out to hear us play The rare old tones—the dear old tunes! This department regrets to state that it ha 3 succeeded in getting itself into trcable. Some months ago a correspondent wrote to know how he should avoid "And it won't do to start a panic. Let me say quietly to you that the hotel is on fire. I have known it for ten minutes, but did not want to create an excitement.""Then my house burned down and I got no insurance." "Well?" "Der odder day a man comes py my place und plays mo a game of doniinoea und says his name vhas Shon White. Dot makes no deeferenco to me if he vhas Sheorge Washington. He mast pay me shust so queek or I knock Hi in out." We could not starve for long While my man had his violin And I my sweet love song. "Then I fell out of a tree and broke my leg, and didn't walk for a year." "Well?" "Come for a lot?" he asked as we drove The world has aye gone well with us. Old Man, since we were one! Our homeless wandering down the lanes- It long ago was done; "Is that all?" replied tho fbh man. "Why, if you'll listen to my advice youll have that all cured in no time." "Yes, in case my information is correct. Do you give them away free?" "Are you sure, ma'am?" I asked. « "Do tell me how," exclaimed the girl, "and I'll be forever grateful to you?" "Entirely sure, sir. I smelled the smoke while in bed. You go quietly down and tell the clerk, and I will knock on all the doors on this floor." "Then I sold a pieco of real estate—the only property I had—and a fellow robbed me of every cent" "Well?" "Of course." "I do." But those who wait for gold or gear. For houses and for kino. Till Youth's sweet spring grows brown and ■ere, , "Vhell, he pays mo und seems like a decent fellow, und pooty soon ho says he has a check on der bank und likes me to go and say he vhas Shon White." "I had heard so." "There ain't nothing easier," said the fish man, "than to cure a sore throat. You can get rid of it in no time. All you have to do is to get a raw clam and bind it over on the place whero the soreness is, and it will je3t move out and not leave any sign of ever bavin' been there. My boss cured a case of diphtheria, mum, with raw clams applied outside, that the doctors had given up. That's the truth, that is, and I advise you to try a couple of 'em on vour sore throat." "Go right out and select any one you like. Those selected are marked with red stakes; those not yet taken by black ones." And love and beauty pine. Will never know the joys of hearts r That met without a fear When you had but your violin And I a song, my dear. —Chicago Tribune. She was wonderfully cool and collected, and I never thought of doubting her assertion. Going down by the Btairway, I beckoned the clerk aside and told him of the fire. He went to the elevator with me and ascended to the third floor, where we found about twenty half dressed people in the halls. The woman who had given me orders came up and said: "Then I got a heavy cold, consumption set in, and one of my lungs is gone and the other going." "Well?" "And you went?" "Vhell, I like to oblige." I took a walk around and made a selection, and he found the number and said: "And you identified him?" "Please, sir," he murmured, stepping up to another passerby, "will you"  "Well, I'm ragged, poor, hungry and sick, and want money to buy a supper and pay for a night's lodging." "I see. You are hard up, indeed. I 6honld think you were tired of life." "I have just one object in living." "And that?" "Vhell, vhen I knows he vhas Shon White how could I help it? Dot rfwtfi a bogus check for feefteen dollar, und I haf to pay it. I doan' see how it vhas." "You want an abstract of title of course. Here it is, and the fee is $J5." "When I had received it he hunted out a deed already signed and filled my name in, called in a teamster and his wife for witnesses, and said: Endurance. "You shameless little rascal!" interrupted the unfeeling wretch, scowling at him. "If I were a policeman I should 1 How much the heart may bear, and yet not break! How much the flesh may suffer and not die! I question much if any pain or ache "Um! Anything more?" run you in!" Of soal or body brings our end more nigh. Death chooses his own time; till that is sworn "Well, if they'll do any good, I wish you'd send me around a couple," said the girl, "and I'll give them a trial." "Come this way. I don't think the fire has much of a start yet." "Somepody doan' play me dot vhay again. My eye teeth vhas cut awfully qneek. In two days a fellow comes along mit a subscription paper. He says he likes me to put down a dollar for der poor. I ask liim for his name, und he says he vhas Peter Davis. Sergeant, you should see me knock him oafer der middle of last Shuly*." The blood rushed to the boy's pale cheek, and he looked for a moment as if he were going to cry, but by a strong effort he held back the tears and paced back and forth on the sidewalk. He looked longingly at the glittering display of holiday goods in the shop fronts, and the tempting array of bonbons that the confectioners had cunningly arranged in their windows, stamped his feet to warm them, breathed on his blue and benumbed fingers, and his little frame shivered as a cold blast struck him and almost blew him from the walk. Eternal vigilance is the price of the umbrella, and also the price of success in the hotel business. It is found that certain rules must be established and lived up to in running a hotel or the business will be a failure. That is why I sometimes have difficulty myself in obtaining "When I waa a boy 10 years old, and lived in Vermont, I stole a watermelon from a farmer. My crime was never discovered, but it has weighed like lead on my conscience, and I know it has hastened my end. I want to live long enough and collect money enough to enable me to return to Vermont, go to that farmer's house, and, standing before him, say: "Here is your deed. I'll have to charge $4 for that." All evils may be borne. We followed her to her room and began to sniff and snuff. There was certainly a strong odor of something burning, but the clerk had taken only one sniff when he went out and rapped on the next door. We shrink and shudder at the surgeon's knife. Each nerve recoiling from the cruel steel Wboae edge seems searching for the quivering "That I will, mum, and I'm sure they'll fix you up." I paid the sum named, and he then got down a big book and said: "You want it recorded, of course. I am the county clerk. The fee for recording is $3." Yet to oar sense the bitter pangs reveal That still, atthoogh the trembling flesh be torn. This also can be borne. The fish man did as he promised. He selected two extra plump clams, opened them carefully, and sent them round to the house. A few days later, having occasion to leave an order at the house, he asked the girl's mother if his clams had doue her daughter's sore throat any good. THE LONG AND SIIORT OF IT. taking cold at night while asleep. He \v;is very restless, he said, and while engaged in slumber so far forgot himself as to kick the clothes off. This bad habit resulted in nothing serious, so far as others were concerned, as the young man is a bachelor, and in kicking off the bedclothes is therefore his own worst enemy. C.UESTS wijhoot BAC-C-ACE wtcc*/OT I EE. ADMITTED  "Hello!" called a voice. "Are vou smoking?" "Yes." "Yes, and you'll have to pay for it. He was at the police court this morning to get a warrant for you." 1 had it duly recorded, and just then dinner was ready. Ho invited me to sit down, but when we were through ha said: We see a sorrow rising in our way. And try to flee from the approaching ill; We seek some small escape; we weep and pray; Bat when the blow falls, then oar hearts are still; Not that the pain is of its sharpness shorn. "Smoking Florida tobacco?" "Yes: what of it?" " 'Mr. Pritchard, thirty-nine years ago, when I was a giddy boy, I stole a watermelon of you. I am sorry. I want to be forgiven before I die, and I want to make such reparation as I can. Here is $30,000 in gold. Take it and buy a steamboat and say I'm forgiven.'" "A warrant for me! But he vhas a shwindler!" "My charge for dinner is seventy-five cents. The taxes on your lot will be due nest week, and yon had better leave the money. The amount is $1.75, and my commission for receipting will be twenty-five cents." "Why, to tell you the truth," replied the mother, "she did not apply them in the way you advised. She said they looked so appetizing that she C/ tld not resist the temptation, and ate them."—New York Sun. "Nothing. Ma'am, you can go back to bed. Muck obliged to you for your sagacity and wit, but both were a little too keen this time. The stingy old cuss in that room is smoking swamp tobacco, and it always smells like a fire eating its way under a pine floor."—Detroit Free Press. "Oh, no, he wasn't; he was all right." Should he give it up? No! The dauntless soul of the boy spoke through his flashing eyes and glowed in the flush that rose to his thin cheeks. He had the right to happiness that life confers upon us all. He made one more trial But that it can be borne. "Vhell, I might ash vhell shump into derrifer. How vhas I to tell aboud t dings? Nothings vhas two time3 alike." We wind our life about another life; We hold it closer, dearer than our own; Anon it faints and falls in deathly strife. Leaving as stunned and stricken and alone; But ah! we do not die with those we mourn — This also can be borne. The writer of these lines, who as a bachelor was also rather a spirited slumborer himself, suffered from cold and exposure in the same way, but finally obtained relief by having made to order a "largo, fleece lined bag, six feet in length, with a puckering string which could be pulled about the neck after he had inserted himself. This worked so successfully that ha volunteered the recipe for the use of the correspondent. "You arc an infernal dead beat and liar!" roared the judge as the man stood in an attitude of humility, but we chipped in half a dollar apiece and sent him away rejoicing.—New York Sun "Anything else?" I paid him the sum named, and was about to get into the wagon when ha said: "Vhell, you see, a man comes in my place mit a package und says vhas I Carl Dunder. I vhas. Hero vhas some oxpress from Chicago, und he haf to collect $3. Vhas dot all right, sergeant?" "Mister," he said resolutely, walking up to a man who was standing in a doorway, "can't y' gimmy a match f light dis yer gol blamed cigarette stump?"—- Chicago Tribune. Behold, we lire through all things—famine, thirst. Hard Lines. Bereavement, pain; all grief and misery. All woe and sorrow; life inflicts its worst On soul and body—bat we cannot die. Though we be sick and tired and faint and worn— "Do you ovvn that dog at the door?" demanded, a citizen in hot temper as he entered a butcher shop on Gratiot avenue.Love'i Sacrifice. CHAPTER I. "The charge for bringing you over and taking you back is §3. Half belongs to me, as I own the wagon. One dollar, please." "Is your heart set on it, Jennie?' asked the father with a faltering voice. An Enu; on Man. "Looks that way." "Yes, dot vhas my dog," was the reply "Well, b*s has bitten me!" "You doan' say so?" M;in that is born of woman is small potatoes and few in a hilL He rises up today and flourishes like a ragweed, and to-morrow or the next day the undertaker hath him. He goeth forth in the morning warbling like a lark, and is knocked out in one round and two seconds."Of course she does, but after he goes avhay und I open dot package I find some brickbats in it. He vhas an awful sch windier." "Can you think-of anything further?" t asked as I him the dollar. The Minister's Wooing. Lo, all things can be borne. —Florence Percy. "It is, papa," said his daughter firmly. of'it ]' d Mrs. Wiggins (at sewing circle) "She 6hall have it!" exclaimed the proud banker, sis ho toiled and planned and schemed in the little back room that adjoined his business office. "She shall have it if it beggars me." CHAPTER H. "Well, you'll have to stop at the junction about four hours before the eastern train comes along. I own the restaurant there. Pleaseseat all you can." The Private of the Buffs. Last night, among his fellow roughs. He adopted the plan, and soon was delighted to know that he was no longer annoyed by snuffles in the morning, and so health and consequent joy sparkled in his eye. All went well until lj.st week, when a low, coarse burglar entered the room of this young man. The moon was just in the act of piercing the tissue of fleccy clouds when a middle aged burglaf, wearing a heavy growth of bushy, tan colored whiskers, from which one might easily ecaro a flock of Welsh rabbits, softly raised the window and entered the room. "Yes, I do, and I want to know what you are going to do about it!" "How j'ou mean?" "Why, I want damages." "Ish dot possible!" "■But you ought to have spotted him." He jested, quaffed and swore; A drunken private of the Buffs, "Oh, yes! Spats vhas all rightf In two days how vhas she? Ia shust two days vhas you believe?" Who never looked before. Today, beneath the foeman's frown. He stands in Elgin's place, Ambassador from Britain's crown. "I have," I said, after a little figuring, "paid you §13.75 for a lot you advertise to give away free. How much do you call this land worth an acre?" THE GRAND BLUFF. And day by day his operations grew bolder, and wealth poured into his coffers as never before. "Well?" suitable lodgings. If unaccompanied, especially by baggage, it is often hard work for me to get quarters at all in keeping with my position. "I want $10 or I'll sue you for a hun drc-d." In the midst of life he is in debt, and the tax collector pursues him wherever he goeth. The banister of life ia full of splinters, and he slideth down with considerable rapidity. He walketh forth in the bright sunlight to absorb ozone, an! moeteth the bank teller with a sight draft for $357. "Vhell, some ouder man's come in mit a package und says vhas my name Carl Dunder. Yes. He haf some package for me from Noo York, und I haf to pay $1. Sergeant, I shumps on dot man und knocks him so cold dot his own uncle doan know him und beliefs ho vhas a young man from Troy." And type of all her race. "All of six dollars, sir. I've been offered five and wouldn't tako it." Poor, reckless, rude, low born, untaught. "Good gracious! but shtop a leedle. keep dot dog one year. Eaferybody laugh3 at me und says ho vhas too lazy to bite somepody, und dot I shall sell him for ton cents. Now ho turns himself around und bites you, und you shump on mo und say I shall pay §10. Shust imagine my position, und vhas I can do aboudt it?'—Detroit Free Press. CHAPTER in. Bewildered and alone; A heart with English instinct fraught For that reason we must submit, though often unwillingly, to the customs, harsh though they be, and content ourselves with the New York boarding house and its extremely oetat. eggs. "Would be glad to make the price lower, Mr. Means, as a favor to you, but it is impossible. Yes, your check is good for any amount, 'but in a transaction of this magnitude you will permit me to see that it is a certified check. Thanks. That is entirely satisfactory. The article is yours, Mr. Means." "Then I've paid you more than the value of two acres to get a lot large enough to bury a couple of cows on!" He yet can call his own. Aye, tear his body limb from limb; Bring cord or az or flame; He only knows that not through him "Exactly, sir—exactly, and I congratulate you on your bargain." Shall England come to shame. He cometh home at eventide and meeteth the wheelbarrow in his path. It riseth up and siniteth him to the earth, and falleth upon him and runneth one of its legs into his ear. O] I tell you, I seen it with my own eyes. Jeet after be passed xny house I looked out, an' there he was a-huggin' a gal far all he wuz wuth, th' hippercrit! The regular breathing of Mr. McTige was like the gentle purring of a Maltese cat-o'-nine-tails, and the burglar, though alert, had no fears. Softly he stepped around from one object. of vertu to another, now and then pausing perhaps to smell a bottle of bouquet d'Alps and put a little pomatum on his beard. "Spots! Spots! Yes, I see some spots! He belongs by der regular oxpress company, und ho vhas going to sue me for fife tousand dollars! Can you see how she vhas? One time it vhas all wrong, und der next time it vhas all right. Nopody vhas two times alike in (lis country, und I now bid you good-by." "Then you spotted him?' "Then you don't call it a swindle?" Like dreams, to come and go; Bright leagues pf cherry blossoms gleamed. One sheet of living snow; The smoke above his father's door Far Kentish hop fields round him seemed, % "No, sir! No, sir! A man who will kick on baying a chunk of the glorious west for less than $14 isn't straight, and, Mr. Tompkins, I'd advise you to keep an eye on him going back, and see that he doesn't jump out of the wagon and bilk you out of your dollar!"—New York Snn. chapter rv. "WorHO anil More of It. "Jennie"—and the face of the doting father was ashy pale—"Jennie! My child! It is yours at last! But I shall not be able to buy a European prince for you until year after next." In the gentle spring time he putteth on his summer clothes, and a blizzard striketh him far from home, and filleth him with cuss words and rheumatism. In the winter he putteth on winter trousers and a wasp that abideth excitement. He starteth down into the cellar with an oleander, and goeth backward, and the oleander cometh after him and sitteth upon him. In gray soft eddyings hang; Mast he then watch it rise no more. The Secrets of Literary Composition. Small Boy (who hates water)—Mamma, people is talkin' about a man wot went to take a bath, and was drowned in the bath tub. Doomed by himself so young? Yes, honor calls—with strength like steel He pot the vision by; Let dusky Indians whine and kneel. Mamma- Mercy me! I didn't know bath tubs were so dangerous. Bring me a bowl of water, and some soap, and a crash towel, and the flesh brush, aftd I'll wash you myself.—Street & Smith's Good News. With trembling hands he gave her a rose he had purchased at a State street florist's and fainted away.—Chicago Tribune. "Going away?' After Five Tears, An EnglHh lad must die. And thus, with eyes that would not shrink, With knee to man unbent. Unfaltering on its dreadful brink. To his red grave be went. All went well till the burglar, in pick ing up Mr. McTige's trousers, awkwardly upended the pockets, and with some racket eighteen cents in money and a bunch of keys fell out on the floor. Then Mr. McTige gave a little start and exclaimed "Oh, mamma!" as he saw in the uncertain light a total stranger. Mr. Mc- Tige spoko to the man and asked him what he was doing, That made the burglar mad. No burglar likes to have his motives impugned. So he came up to Mr. McTige, and warmed up the cold muzzle of his weapon in the young man's "No matter. I vhas seexteen years in dis country, und all der time I vhas in some mistakes. 1 vhas now played out. If you doan' see mo somo more times remember dot I doan' mean to do it, but der country vhas to blame."—Detroit Free Press. Young Smithers hadn't visited the family for five years, and now, as he sat in the parlor where the servant had ushered hiin into, his thoughts naturally went back to the time when last he had been in the same place. He easily recalled the faces of his friend and his friend's wife, and then he remembered the child of the household, a small, weazen faced, shrill voiced, decidedly objectionable girl. Her age then might have been 6 years, it might have been 9, it might have been 13. A bachelor'i idea of a child's age is apt to be vague. Whatever the age, he breathed a silent prayer that his call might be made without the intzoduction of the household's objectionable pet. It did not occur to him that five years might have softened the objectionable features. Hli Fai tare Career. Vain mightiest fleets of iron framed, Vain those all shattering guns. Unless proud England keep untamed He buyeth a watch dog, and when he cometh home from the lodge the watch dog trceth him, and sitteth near him until rosy morn. He goeth to the horse trot and betteth his money on the brown mare, and the bay gelding with a blaze face winneth. Children Not V.'unteil The strong heart of her sons; So let his name through Europe ring— Home Seeker (looking at highly decorated flat)-—'These apartments are certainly elegant, but the windows are too low. Children would fall out of them A Sure Cure. A man of mean estate. Who died, as Arm as Sparta'a king. Because his soul was great. —Sir Francis Hastings Doyle. "I believe yon have a son, madam," said the seedy looking person who stood between the lady of the house and the back yard. [The truth of it.] and get killed. He marrieth a red headed heiress with a wart on her nose, and the next day the parent ancestor goeth nnder with a fee, arrest and great liabilities, and Cometh home to live with his beloved sonin-law—Wichita County Democrat. Parson Goodenow—I'm very sorry, Thomas, to have found one of my best boys smoking a cigarette, but now that it has made you ill I will simply take you home and leave your conscience to punish you.—Judged Outgrown. Janitor—YesD"m "WeH, what consarn of your'n is it if I have twenty sons?" Nay, you wrong her» my friend, her love she ear. The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows: Home Seeker—Do you think the landlord would object to having bars across: Janitor—Yett'm.—New York Weekly. has simply outgrown; One can read the whole matter translating her heart by the light of one's own. Two summers ago when yon wooed her you stood on the self same plane; Face to faoa, heart to heart, never dreaming your souls could be parted again. Pretty soon, though, he saw how Mr. McTige was accoutered, so he put away his revolver, and with a meaning smile he matched Mr. McTige from his bed, pulled the puckering string considerably tighter and hung the bag up on the gas jet, so that Wellington McTige looked like a large Christmas present. He did not dare to shriek for fear that his sister, who always tied him into his little-bag at night and nntied 1dm in the morning, would run to him and get shot. "The interests of the human race, madam, are my interests. Your son is at this moment on the cigarette ronte to destruction. You have heard of Professor Koch's cure for consumption, I surmise?""I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see? Keeping His Credit Good Littleshort—Let mo have $10 thie morning, will you, Wally? Wallet (hands over an X) — Yes, but  A Matter of Tutt. A prominent citizen was seen digging a large hole in hi3 front yard. "What are yon doing?" some one asked. Would Save Trouble. "I see a pair of laughing, espiegle, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; a mutine little rosebud of a mouth, with its ever mocking moue; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide and seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold, while from underneath the satin folds of a rose-the dressing gown a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely pointed gold morocco slipper," etc., etc. (Vide "Passionate Pauline," byBarbleu). —Punch. Marjorie is very fond of raisins, and a: the tea table one night was picking them out of her cake and eating them, leaving the crumbled cake. His call was progressing finely; he found his hostess as charming as ever, and their talk, mostly of the past, was as agreeable and pleasant as he had anticipated. Then there came the sound of a step on the stair and of the turning of the door knob. of her life's early May, And it is not her fault, I repeat it, that she does She loved you at that time entirely in the bloom "I hat s." Littleshort (hands it back)—There, that pays up for the one I had last year. I try and make it a point not to let these things run too long.—Detroit Free Press. The setfly ono si ruck a Liberty-enlighteningthe-world attitude and said: "And I, madam, have discovered a cure for cigarette consumption. It is a secret that I koflp locked in my overcoat breast pocket. But common humanity demands hhat I save your son from his fate. I am essentially an after dinner speaker, however." not love you today. Nature never stands still, nor souls either; they either go up or go down; And lifers has been steadily soaring, but how has it been with your own? Mamma — What occupation do yon think will be best for our deareet boy when he grows up? ller sister, thinking she would try the force of a goo l example, said, "I like my plam3 in my cake." "Making a pond." "What, a pond in your front yard? What do you mean?" Papa—I think with a little more home training he will make a good sword swallowcr.— Judge. "I am doing it as an accommodation. It was so much trouble for the boy who carries papers to throw them in a little puddle during wet' weather that I con- She has struggled and yearned and aspired; So while the brutal man about town gathered in all the portable bric-a-brac and means in the house, Mr. McTige hrmg there as helpless as a trussed fowl and looked directly forward. Oh, it was a sad sight, indeed, and the mental anguish turned one side of his mustache white in the night. His Standard of Measurement. "I don't," replied Marjorie. "I likes 'em lDest in my mouf."—Harper's Young People. "By the by," said his hostess, "I wonder if you remember our daughter. Here 6he comes." grown purer and wiser each year; The stars are now further above you in yop luminous atmosphere. Wxx she whom you crowned with fresh roses, down yonder Ave summers ago. Has learned that the first of our duties to God and ourselves is to grow. Mother—Charlie, you have given your sister the smallest apple. You should have given her tho largest one, for she is so much larger than you. Before ho could answer th6 door was opened and in walked the child. She was the same weazen faced, shrill voiced girl that he had objected to five years before.—New York Evening Sun. He is a First Investor—I wasn't able to get around to the meeting last night. Did they succeed in getting the flying machine company on a solid basis at last? A Flier in Stocks. Always Seasonable. Tapely—What kind of a suit do you want? The woman gavfe him a square meal, and after the chap had distended himself to a terrible degree he wrote a few mapic words on a piece of paper, breathed on it, and gave it to his hostess with the monition: ' 'Open it in three minutes. It is a sure cure. Good-by." Then he went away quickly. gentlemanly fellow, and I v him all I can. This pond v amch trouble."—Arkansaw eluded to make a pond for it to assist I save him ■aveler. Wanted to Exchange. Charlie(with force of conviction)—But, mamma, fsee how much larger my moutb is than hers.—General Manager. A solid, sensible looking woman who waa bound east entered the baggage rooms of the Third street depot leading a dog and asked: Grayneck—I wculd like to get one that would always be m season. Her eyes now are sweeter and calmer, but their vision is clearer as well; Hsr voice has a tenderer cadence, but is pure as a silver belt Have you, too, grown purer and wiser as the months and the years have rolled on? Did you meet her this morning rejoicing in the triumphs of victory won? HOW SHE CAUGHT HIM. He now writes to this department to at.k what was our idea in sending out such a recipe, and wishes also to know if we stand in with the burglar interests of the country. It is hard to try to do good, and then meet with this style of reward. We do not claim to supply burglar proof sleeping bags or designs for same, but we try to do right by one and all, and we shall continue to do so even though contumely and such things a* that constitute our only reward. Too expensive. Second Investor—I suppose you might call it that. The inventor told us he wasn't able yet to get the blamed thing off the ground.—Indianapolis Journal. Tapely—Ah, then how would you like one of those pepper and salt suits?—Boston Courier. A Kuiicul Measure. rj hardly given hint of love. Much less of then proposing, But while she sat, her hands above The ivory keys disposing. Then deftly wrought such tones as spring "Can this dog go in the car with me?' "No, ma'am." Borrowit—That's rather a swell boarding house you are stopping at, Gazzleton.Oppenheim, the well known millionaire of Cologne, who died about eight years ago, was distinguished for his ready wit and clever repartee. He had a friend and traveling companion who was infected with a ridiculous mania for passing himself Cff ;is a nobleman, and accordingly wrote in the strangers' book3 only the first letter of his name, followed by "de" and the name of his birthplace. To cure him of his vanity Oppenheim wrote under his name in the strangers' book of the hotel at Interlaken, "O. de Cologne" (Oppenheim from Cologne).—London Tit-Bits. "Has he got to go in the baggage car?" "Yes-'m." A Dubious Compliment. The paper, when opened, disclosed the words, "Kill the boy." "Is it extra?' Gazzleton—Why, yes. I tried a cheaper one, but I couldn't afford it. I fell away so that I had to buy a new suit in six "weeks.—Harper's Bazar. How to Write Philosophy. She—I'm so glad you have come! But the philanthropist had drifted thence.—St. Joseph Hews. From fhroat of thrush or lionet, I said, ''I like your fingering; I There's dainty brilliance in it." Nay, hear me—the truth cannot harm you, when today in her presence you stood, Waa the hand that you gave her as white and clean as that of her womanhood? Go measure yourself by her standard, look back on the years that have fled. Then ask, if you need, why she tells you that the love of her girlhood is dead. "Fifty c»nts." "I'm going to write a book on general philosophy," said Bowles. He—Are you really? "Well, it's a shame!" "What do you know about philosophy?" exclaimed Knowlea. She—Yes, for if you had not there would have been thirteen at the table.— Epoch. '■My finger ring," she said, as joy Beamed in her glance so steidy, "You darling, dear, audacious) boy! You've ordered it already? "Yes'in, but it's the rule." A Disappointing Gift. She walked about for five minutes, the dog smelling at her heels, and then returned to say: lium ilia ted* "Nothing; but all I have to do is to say something I don't understand myself, or cannot make any one else understand."—American Stationer. Mame (to her sister)—Susie, what did Mr. Gildersleeve give you for a Christinas present? Jackson Horn—Wundah wha's do mattah wiv Boss Jones. He looks kind o' solemncholy. Aunt Green—Have a piece of cake, Penelope. Take the biggest piece. Penelope (from Boston)—Impossible, annty; there are only two.—Puck. Utterly Impossible. "How dared you!" Then a blUt.li intense Lent charm to words so clevjer., . "Well, since you've gone to that expense J—I—I'm yours forever." —Boston Courier. Hhe cannot look down to her lover—her love, like her soul, aspires; He must stand by her side, or above her, who would kindle its holiest fires. —Julia C. R. Dorr. The following letter comes from a lady of veracity and undoubted respectability. It is written in a spirited style and appeals to one and all. I give it as it is received, with much pleasure. As a rule, general correspondence is more pleasant to give than to receive. So I give it. "There are three of us—myself, the dog and my husband." "Yes." Susie—Himself, dear, Engle Biekens—He's gal ain't got no confidence in him; siie gabe 'in a safety razzer fo' a birfday present.—Judge. Mame — H'm. Stingy, isn't he ?— Epoch. Almost, But  "If my husband went in the baggage car couldn't the dog ride in the seat with me?" Miss Prima — Mr. Plunkett is very brusque and short with people. Isn't ho a gentleman? A Flain Statement. Settled. A Horsey Fable. ! During a certain Frosty morning in midwinter a Calico-Colored Horse was Tied to a Hitohing-post on Cass avenue, while his owner entered a Honse near by to collect the Balance due On a Linen Duster sold in the previous July. TJ)0 man had no sooner disappeared than alodg came a Red-Headed boy, who brought up with a Sudden Stop and siid to him' self: Dead. Thick in the path the leaves lie dead; &days of laughter are gone from me; blossom haw dropped and the summer Circumstance* Alter Cases. "Let's see; Mars was the god of war; who was the god of dancing?" "St. Vitus?"—New York Herald. Satisfied. She managed to choke down her indignation when told that no Buch change could bo effected; but later on, in the waiting room, she was giving her husband fits, and it was probably because he was satisfied with the rule of the road.—Detroit Free Press. Mr. Leanders—nardly, I fancy. He only calls himself a gent, yon know.— Detroit Free Press. fled; Will you explain to mo why tho New York hotel,) are guarding so carefully against all appearances of respectability? Late one evening 1 found I must spend a night in the city, having missed the train I intended to take. The Voice of Experience. Swallows are all flown over the sea. Guessed we never the end—not we! Of the songs we sang and the words we said- Thick in the path the leaves lie dead. The days at laughter are gone from me. Misled by Similarity of Sound. Customer—Sixty-five dollars? That's an awfnl price for a plain business suit for a man that pays cash on delivery. i applied for a room at the bouse. 1 wan informed they were all engaged. I told that lynx eyed clerk that be cguld furnish mo a room or I would spend the night on a sofa that stood there In the hall, lie eyed me again in a polite (?) way, and asked me to step on one side white ho spoke confidentially with me. There he told mo that I was too respectable looking to stop in this hotel, or words to this eftcci. His exact words were: "Wo cannot give you a room. If you were with a gentleman it would bo otherwise." Then 1 blew that soft veiced clerk very high Into tho evening air. I think he aaoendsd flo.vn again, (hough, s) woj't rejieat what 1 *.iM. Now it seems lw.1 i been a vile, unprincipled woman applying with a man admirer for a room all would have been well. But 1, a lonely woman, unacquainted with New York boarding houses and despising New York boarding house breakfafitfl IRW uz-z-nu.nuwliittsriw.* i- Luuuve oi this rule, tuui will it bo long enforced? Indignantly yours, Duor. A Mather's Love. One lamp—thy mother's love— Amid the Man C Hull Itfl, its pore flame cbangekss, And before the throne of God Born through eternity. Holy—as it waa lit and lent thee here. -N. P. Willis. A Little Mixed. Iv Tailor—Cash on delivery? Yoa mis| understood me, sir. I raid $34.75.—Chi- Chij cago Tribune. "Now here's Going to be more Fun than a Barrel of Monkeys could make, and I'll stop and get a Rib-Tiickler." He Waited for several minutes, but nothing Happened, and the Horso then inquired: "Anything particular on your mind. Sonny?" "Why, I'm expecting to see you Lick that Iron Hitching-post." ' "Then you are Wasting your Tim*, and might as well Run along to school and take yonr whaling for being Late." Some weeks ago at one of our libraries a young woman walked up to the desk and said, "Giro mo a good shaking.'" The young m;in who was in attendance blushed to the roots of his hair, and after a moment's hesitation pulled himself together sufficiently to stammer, "Er— er—who—who is it by?" "George Mc- Donald, I think," came the answer. Then ho hustled around for a time and at last found out that what she wanted was a book called "A Rough Shaking." The young man's nerves were unstrung for the rest of tho day.—Cincinnati Times-Star. "MA, WHAT'S INSIDE OF THAT?" Not Mncli Fan. Tobogganing down on a slippery slide 1h the Corn! blissful] est kind of Oome to my sun land 1 Come with me To the land 1 love, where the sun and the sea Ave wed fotww, where palm and pine Asa filled with singers; where tree and vine HA»e voiced with prophets 1 Oh, came, and you iatnc aaong with the seas swirl, kiaa their hands to tbeeokL, white girL, le maiden moon in her mantle of bine. —Joaquin Miller. bliss; Cut it isn't such fan when you strike a stone And land Justice of the Peace—Prisoner, you were caught trying to enter a poultry yard at 10 o'clock last night. Did you know it was a reprehensible offense? She (indignantly)—Dear me. Miff Slip allthetime, I thought you could skatet no jnoX First Collegian—This newspaper talk about the brutality of football is perfectly ridiculous. puati —'Worcester Gazette. Mr. Gambrill—No, sah; I thought hit war a wooden fence, sah; but hit turned out to be barb wire, sah.—Puck. He (submissively)—You wouldn't think pn if yon were in my place.—Once A Week. Second Ditto—Simply idiotic- hand me the arnica, will you?—Puck. "WIND, MY SON; WIND." "Why, you—you" j "I Licked one last Winter bnd Discovered that Hitcliing-posts tasto best in July, and that Muskmelons should b« eaten in January." Moral—The Debtor Declared that the Duster had Bagged on him, and was no good for a Winter Levee, and the Collector took a straw hat and Receipted the Account in full.-'-Detroit Free Press. A Familiar Quotation. —Life. Visiting Aunty—Why in the world do you buy such mannish looking clothes? Ton surely cant think the things pretty. Attractive Garment*. The rules which are used in running hotels have to be rigidly adhered to, I am told, and it is against public morals for unaccompanied ladies to put up at an hotel. That is the reason why so many men, who are tender hearted and noble in every way, go about late at night sometimes hoping that they may be of use in this way to those who are lonely, and need the name of some great strong man upon whom to lean. The Poor Urate. "Oh, madam, Jip has just bit a man in the street 1" Paternal Consideration. A Small Hole. A Curiosity. New Minister (wishing to know what impression he had made)—What objection did the people have to the old minister?Extremes. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the lecturer of tbe dime museum, "this is the young mother and her baby that we have secured at a salary of $1,000 per week." "What kind of a looking man was it?** "He was nearly in rags." Lovely Niece—N-o, aunty, they're not pretty, and I don't wear them much., Aunty—Then why do you get them? Niece—Oh, it's such a comfort to see them around.—New York Weekly. ' 'Poor Jip! Wash the darling's mouth ont with a little eau de cologne."—Judge. Parishioner (who does not recognize him)—Oh, they say ho is not sound. New Minister—What do they say of the new minister? "What's there peculiar about 'em? queried an auditor. Garrulous Stranger (on a train)—My wife's name was Wood. What was yours? An Appropriate Name, "What's there peculiar about 'emi Why, this: The baby is very homely, and the mother is willing to admit thai it isn't the handsomest baby in the world."—Capo Cod Item. Altered to Suit. Parishioner—Oh, they say he's all sound.—New England Magazine. The Editor (reading a letter)—Sir, I wish you to distinctly understand that I will not be traduced in your vile sheet, and I desire that under pain of personal violence and a civil and criminal libel suit you withdraw the imputation that is contained in the lines quoted, "Mr. Horatio Hottebludde is not all that he might have been." Yours truly, etc., Hottebludde, Esq. Young Noodle—Didn't you say, Professor, that physiology was the science that treats of the functions of the body? An Exceptional Case. I agree with you, madam, regarding such New York boarding house breakfasts as I have been thrown in contact with. The eggs at a New York boarding house I recall now as peculiarly depressing and filled with vain regret. These eggs, as I recall them, were noticeable for their defective ventilation. They were eggs that had been marked down from the regular price. " Crusty Old Bachelor—I guess mine's name was "wouldn't" I didn't get her. —Washington Star. Business First. Mrs. Symeth—And your husband is dead? Professor—Yes, sir. Mrs. In trade—Where is yonr father? Society as IIo Found It. Y. N.—Then under the head of what ology would a study of the mind come? Widow Carter —Yes; it was poor John's business that killed him, too. You know ho was a contractor, and he was getting over tho fever nicely when he contracted a cold and it made him have a relapse.—Lowell Citizen. Cora'i Ilint to Jake. Adult Son—He is at the store, editing his edition of "Society as I Have Found It." P.—I am afraid, Noodle, that in your case it would come under the head of myth-ology.—Boston Courier. Jake Simpson—What is your favorite tree, Miss Cora? Cora Bellows (at lip. m.)—Tho maple. "Why is it?" ' 'OF.TTINQ TriR DROP CVT ITIM." —Life*. Science on the Farm Mrs. Intrade—What? A book? The Editor (composing the full and complete retraction)—We stated in our last issue that "Mr. Horatio Hottebludde is not all that he might have been." We have since been threatened by Mr. Hottebludde, and after further and more searching investigation of his record we are pleased now to alter the latter portion of the paragraph, "he is all that he might have been!"—New York World. . And yet you cannot well evade the breakfast of the metropolitan boarding house if you are a transient and a woman. Honestly, I do not think that woman gets a fair shake in this matter. She may be able and willing to go to a first class hotel and eat a good $3 breakfast, but as a stranger she is compelled to put up at a plebeian waffle works, and eat in a breakfast room in which there "Because," yawning, "it leaves early." —New York Herald. Farmer Furrow—You scientific fellers know a heap, I s'pose, but I'll bet you can't tell me h&w to save that big pile of pertaters. The rot's got into 'em. Son—Yes, a ledger, full of unpaid and uncollectable bills.—New York Weekly. Making s Point. Mr*. Slim purse—My dear, I was utterly amazed, shocked, to hear you use such nngrammatical expressions while talking to Mrs. De Fashion. Why did you doit) Miss Slim purse—I wanted her to think our family was rich enough to have ma brought up by the servants. — Good |iewB. * \ She (thinking of her English history) —What a great fight it was at Hastings? A Different Point of View. Tlie lleason "Why There WonlCl Be Cause for Complaint. Politician (angrily)—Those newspapers tell abominable lies about me. "The sultan of Turkey is said to be a very enlightened sovereign," remarked Mrs. Bootliby. Teacher—Tommy Trewant, don't you know that the rule of this school is for children to have their shoes shined? Why are yours sp dirty? Scientist—N—o. They are past saving. "They are, eh? Wall, I'm goin' to eat them pertaters." Ho (thinking of tho sparring match the evening before in his room at Hastings hall)—Why—why I how did you know about it! (Sotto voce) Confound it! Jack must have left tho curtain up. —Harvard Lampoon. Officer—Careful, there! What are you loing? Friend—And yet they might do worse. Politician—Do worse! What do you mean? Escaping Party—Don't stop us! My daughter's beau don't suit ns, so rather than hurt her feelin's mother an' me's goin't' elope.—Judge. "Impossible." "He ought to be," replied Boothby. "He certainly has wives enough to keep him posted upon everybody's affairs."— Chicago Times. Tommy Trewant—I did shine 'em, ma'am. But I climbed Bp a tree afterward to get this nice red apple for you. —Puck. "No, it ain't. I'll feed 'em to the pigs, and then eat the pigs."—'New York Weeklv. Friend—They might tell the truth.— Kate Field's Washington.