Pittston Gazette

              [ Oldest Newsoauer in the Wyoming Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1890. A Weedy Local and Family Journal. IN THE CUSTOM HOUSE detected it wlnle a nervous person would be engaged in ejaculating the words Jack Robinson. Mr. Urban is one of the mf*n who holds his office by right of eternal fitness, and nobody ever ventures to ask him what his politics may be or used to be. It is a secret between him and high heaven. That is the way it should be. get out ot tne way before tne chair stumbled and fell on him. Finally he said he guessed he must go, and as he did so the revolutionary chair slid out from under him, and going over in the corner crossed its legs and put its arms behind its back. « STORY OF THE BLEAK NORTH A NUMERICAL FAMILY. RAT CATCHING. OLD DICK. BETTING ON A SURE THING. AN UNDERGROUND EXPERIENCE. H* Was Merely Indulging His PsMisa 1 A High Strung Ootbamlte Dlaeloaaa MI Unknown Chapter of City If there ia anybody in this town who hankers after tbe thrilling he can gratify his appetite at very little ontlay. Let Wn* go to the underground atation-of the Harlem railroad at Eighty-sixth street aa4 Fourth avenue, pay five cents to the bewhiskered patriarch who presides at tho subterranean ticket office there, and pastas down into the abdomen of Yorkville. Tim«f the trip to make it half past 6 p. m. of a week day and then wait. If he doesn't experience within the "**4 five minutes a nervous sweat that will knock out of his system a generation's germs of malaria, then he is deaf anddcmrib or has fought in wars.' i In the first place you're all alone. Yoa can just distinguish in the darkness, em- - phasized by three paralytic gas lamps, 4 long, narrow, damp platform, a track on the left backed on its left by a wall of fffrnrt and on your right a high brick partition,' punctured at its top by semt-drcolar open-1 ings, whose purpose you wonder at, baft not for long. A drip, drip, drip of accumulated rata water makes your flesh creep. You hwgCn to figure out your indebtedness to tha world, your lattunpaid life bill rises up to haunt you, thoughts of home and the fellow who'll socced to your Job make you groan, and it occurs to you how sweet it is to die—at home, with friend and physicians and medicine bottle* and oranges around you. But you are brought back to earthy or rather the bowels of the same, by a noise— a humming noise like that your top used to make when you were a little lad. It grows on you, this noise; it t»nm« and then buzzes in your ears; it sets the lamps a jigging; it seems to set you crazy. , A flash of light is thrown on the track at your feet; you spring back in terror; a great monster with flaming eye rushes at you; you cover your eyes and wait for thrf crash; you hear a whistle's shriek. I Gabriel's trumpet disappoints you In itd shrillness; two clangstDf a cracky bell announce your arrival above; the air te rushed past you; tha noise goM with it] you open your eyes and find yourself inthd clouds. That familiar feeling of dyspspsl* is still doing business at the old stand, Mid. visions of patent medicines In the land you're nearing cross your poor, bewildered; brain. But the clouds are steam; they soon pass through the holes above, blond Intel and you breathe again. You creep up out of that tunnel a better man—morally that is, for of course you stomach's upset, and you know there is a God, and you tremble and are faint. Then you tell your wife of the poor davil who works in that modern inferno from 7 till 7 daily for tbe monthly remuneration of $65. He must pull and haul and yank millions of souls safely over the switch* centered there every year of bis servioe. You resolve and adopt unanimously 1b your quiet, sweet home tbe opinion the brat paid men in the world ought to be switchmen. And you think a great *.11 that week and you go to chureh tha next Sunday, and you are glad you live if you are dyspeptic, and you riaa in cabt *nd "L" trains ever after.—Cor. New York Herald. The True Account of the Latent Arctic Tragedy The Ingenious Idea of s Happy sai Frequent Father. for That Harmless Sport. Being an Account of i Thrilling School Room AdTenture. How fresh in mv mind are the scencea of my schooldays, though many long Kirs in their course have passed o'er! e old rustic school house, its master and pupils, the big unabridged I put over the door! 'Twas a heavy octavo, tipped the scales at eleven, was bound in strong calf, with bright facings of gold. "We tugged and pulled at it, and finally got it well fixed to come down on our dominie old. I seem now to sec him, as slowly he entered the door leading in from the old country road. .He took off his muffler, took snuff, sneezed and spluttered, and then, very loudly, hia large nose he blowed. Then all unsuspecting, he lifted the latcbet, pushed open the door, stepped one foot over the sill. Old Dick took a tumble, came down with a rumble, whack on his occiputthen all was still! He sank to tho floor, not a sound or a murmur, his legs and irins pointing north, east, west and iouth, but the restof the master, crushed flat as a plaster, was hidden by Dick, from his waist to his mouth. At length he recovered, arose, nearly smothered: his sorely bruised cranium rubbed with his hand; then, rolling his sleeves up, and glancing most darkly, he reached o'er his desk and took down a rattan. Here memory fails me, but strong instinct tells me the stick and myself shook hands left and right; while the seat of my breeches lacked several stitches when the master got through at a late hour that night. How fresh in my mind are the scenes of my schooldays, though many long years in their course have passed o'er! The old rustic sclioolhouse, its master and pupils, the big unabridged we put over the door!—Lawrence Amer- How He Tried to Take an Unfair Advan- tage nud Got Left. BILL NYE TELLSAEOUT NEW YORK'S GREAT ARCHITECTURAL FAUX PAS. The frozen wastes about the pole, where the Esquimaux live, have their love tragedies, their Romeos and their Juliets. "Do you not find in Tennessee many queer Christian names?' a gentleman asked of a friend tvho had just returned from a visit among the hills. A gentleman hearing a noise in his yard went out and found old Porter Clay, a noted politician, handling his wood. Moxie Nartosky is a young man who Las a great passion for making small bets. No matter what the subject under discussion, Moxie invariably oilers to lay a wager that his view i3 the correct one. "Now," said the collector, "I beg your pardon for offering you that chair, but I wanted to ask you if it would be possible to get hold of an appropriation from which a suitable amount could be secured for the purpose of fixing that chair. There isn't a bareback rider in the United States who can keep his seat there over two and one-half minutes at present, and I am tired of replacing people who have fallen off that chair." A young seal hunter loved the fair daughter of one of his richest neighbors. She returned his passion, but it was the old story—unalterable opposition on her father's side and the same article on the mother's with the usual feminine improvements thrown in. H« H as a Talk and Takes Luncheon with "Yes, for Christian names—or rather in this case 'givrsi' names, for some of them are decidedly unchristian—have been of interest to me. I found just this side of Bear Wallow a young fellow named Lonsdistilled Peterson, and a little further on I fell in with a gentleman named Allwool Jones. Mr. Allwool Jones was a circuit rider, he informed me, and he asked me to stop at a «m«H log church and hear him preach. I did so, and must say that Allwool's sermon was more than a yard wide. One afternoon I stopped at a house and addressed a young fellow who sat on the fence: "What are you doing there, you rmcall"Collector Crhsnlt, Learns Some Thins* About Government unit Civil Service, If a man could make himself absolutely necessary to his employer or his government, and then remain there at his post instead of having to go out for three months every year to yell for his party till the rich, ripe rum mantled to his luscious bugle, there would be a net saving to the world in 200 years that would buy some man a nice little farm. One day lie was latoat the dining room v;here he took hi3 meals. A stranger was the only other person in the room. The dtranger pounded a plate vigorously with his knife, and when the dining room girl entered she at once picked out Moxie as the offender and read him a lecture on table etiquette, dwelling with particular emphasis on plate pounding. and Studies a Trained Chair. "Who's er rascal?" "Huh, calls me er rascal an erscoun'nl. White folks is gittin' mighty elerqoent when da wants tor 'buse er genevman. Fust thing yer knows m hab yer *rested fur Blander." "You are, you scoundrel." It is reported that when Juan De Verazzano in 1524 discovered the Bay of New York, and had been looked over frcm a therapeutic standpoint by Dr. {-Smith at quarantine, he proceeded almost at once to select a site for a custom houso and place it in the hands of able men, several of whom are still at their desks in a pretty fair state of preservation.[Copyright, 1800, by Ed™ar W. Nye.] Between the cake of ice on which ".ho .young sealer had erected his hut and the ufcrger floe, which was pre-empted by the lDanents of his sweetheart, the cold had brcKen an impassable crevice some hundred feet or more in depth and twenty in width. Save for a single jutting fragment just thick enough to bear littkD more than his own weight his home was completely cut off from the world about him. This practical isolation inspired him. The cashier's office has a system ol three checks, whereby the' counter, the bookkeeper and the teller are guarding against each other's mistakes, and so accurate is this matter that in a day's work ranging from $400,000 to $1,500,000 the footings of the three are alike to a cent. It is going to be repaired now. Also a man who cleans cisterns is going to whitewash the rotunda if the government would not deem it a mare's nest. "Yes, and TO have you arrested' foe attempting to steal my wood." "Stealin' yer wood! Wy, I thoughter sich er thing. Seed er rat run under dis wood, an' I wanted to ketch him. Kain't keep frum killin' rats. Was born dater way, but ef yer wants ter 'prive me o' dis heah pleasure, all right Doan' kere now ef de rats eats up ever1- thing on de place. Good day tar yer, Bah."—Arkansaw Traveler. "But I didn't pound," said Moxie. "You did," said the girl. Here waa a "sure thing," and Moxie hastened to say: I sometimes think that if the United States would give more time to large affairs, like reciprocity and statesmanship, instead of running wildly a mile and a half every time an old mare flies cackling joyously from the nest, we would have more groceries in the house for a given sum than we now have. "I'll bet you §'3 I didn't pound, and leave it to this gentleman," referring to the stranger, who was the real culprit. The girl's pocketbook was out in an instant and Moxie's two dollar bill war covered and passed over to the stranger *s stakeholder and referee. The present custom house is an imposing gray granite architectural faux pas, with a low, retreating forehead like that " 'Who lives he: " 'We do.' " 'Yes, but who are we? Mm II | r \ The certified check, in the ordinary sense of the term, does not go at the custom house. The bank may be ever so good; its certificate must be to the effect that so much money is on deposit to ite credit at the sub-treasury, and when that account is overdrawn, if only for five cents, that check waits till the account is. made good again. He began storing up in his hurnblu quarters oil blubber and other eatables sufficient for the support of two for at least six months. He had resolved to steal his bride, and knew that if he gained his ice floe'with her and broke down the bridge they were safe from trouble or pursuit for the winter season, or until the warmer waters of the summer moved the icebergs to closer contact. By that time he hoped the opposition of the parents would give way to pardon and reconciliation. " 'Pap, mar an' the rest uv us.' "Just then a man came out, and as he approached said: 'Six, git down off en that fence an' he'p Four chop some wood. Stranger,' addressing me, 'won't you git down? A31 was much in need of rest I dismounted. The man yelled, 'Come hero, Sevo.n, an' take the stranger's hoss.' Mistress—Bridget, how many times have I told you that I didn't want yon to have callers during the day? And there was that red haired policeman in the kitchen again this morning. Unanswerable. "Now, sir, who pounded?" asked Moxie, triumphantly. "It was Moxie who poundedr" said the stranger, with judicial calmness, a3 he handed the §1 over to the girl. When you pay duties the fact that yon are the president of a bank or the head of a family does not count. Ready money or the certificate of the sub-treasury alone goes. P. S.—I will write more about the custom house later on. E W. N. "I wsis conducted into th9 house, and in that cordial manner, the peculiar social property of southern backwoodsmen, was urged to make ray self at home. My host s name was Bcasley and ho was 'kin to old Ham Bledsoe that lived in middle Tennessy near Drake's creek summers.' Mrs. Beasley moved a lot of clothes she had hung in front of the fire, kicked a cat, spanked with a shovel an enormous brindle dog and told me to feel easy, for she would get a snack to eat after awhile. I had never seen so many children belonging to one family. Look which way I might, I caught sight of dirty faces and tow heads. Bridget—Yis, mum, he is a great hilp. Mistress—A great help! What do you mean? "I'm willing to tako big chances," said Moxie, in relating the incident later, "hut, so help mo heaven, I'll never again bet on a sure thing!"—New York World. Old Man Moneybags (facetiously)— Come, my dear, aren't you going to advise me? Here's a man that wants me to lend him ten thousand dollars on hie Atchison stock. Now what do you advise me to do? A Poor Adviser. Bridget—Yis, mum, about the petaties and tomaties, and sich loike. Tt » Esquimaux elc-ep together promiscuously on a raisod snowbank on one Bid*.' of tie igloo or ice house. Incased in their sealskin nightbags, with the huge protecting hood over the head and face, they are as comfortable as the:- natures require. r.a*y Going. Ill one corner of the cashier's department is a headsman's block, near it a stellated punch and a sledge hammer. When a coin is found to be worthless it is carefully laid on this block, the pinking iron is placed upon it and then a strong man hits it a welt with the sledge. Mistress—How can he help yon with the potatoes and tomatoes? Bridget—Faith an' he's sich a foine peeler.—Boston Courier. Old Salem, in Massachusetts, likn tha rest of tho world, lias of late years bocome much modernized, but the older folk of the town clung long to their habits and wcro conservative in everything. A delightful o'd lady, who baa passed away, and who bora a name well known in the annals of tho old seaport, was long noted for tho perfect regularity of her habits tiio year round. Young Wife—Why, you know that 1 don't know anything about money. A Lift. Conductor (briskly)—Tickets! Tramp (hesitatingly)—Ain't got no ticket. lcnchinq wrrn the collector. of the pickerel. It is an inconvenient stone quarry with fluted columns, and, I would say, seems to be a cross between a long neglected cistern and a second hand sarcophagus. Old Man Moneybags — Don't know anything about money! That's pretty good, when you made as much in one day as I have made in all my life. j Tho youth waited outside the loine until he felt that all within were vsleep. Then, creeping through the narrow entrance, he made his way toward his darling. He seized the long haglikf mass in which her fair form was incased oore it triumphantly across the narro* bridge to hi3 stronghold, and. ere the at frighted elders could pursue him, wit'i his ax had cut down the ice bridge and was safe. loan After knocking the essential tar out of the coin, as one may say, it is politely returned to the owner, who has to make it good. The idea, as the bright eyed reader has already discovered, no doubt, is to prevent its circulation, and that u almost invariably the result. folluKKi Hie tVmoa's Advice. Conductor (hastily)—Where are you going? The parson was greatly astonished at the growth of kiting among the younger members of his Cock, especially after he had preached a strong sermon to them on the matter. This is what he advised? "Every young man and young woman should 'set their faces against kissing."-- Boston Herald. Young Wife—Why, when was that? Old Man Moneybags (uproariously)— When you married me. " 'You have quite a family,' I said to Mr. Beasley. " 'Ruther, but we live in er big neighborhood whar we've all got room.' Conductor (sharply)—Twenty cents. Tramp (leisurely)—To the next station. One evening of every week she passed, winter or summer, with a relative At a certain hour a hackman appeared and drove lior to the house of this relative; then at a quarter of 9 he called again and took her home. If this be treason make the most of it. I've already had an Indian outbreak this winter, and I do not mind a little set-to with the government, as I had funds left over after adjusting the Indian difficulty. Tramp (coolly)—Ain't got no money. Conductor (severely)—YouH get off at the next station.—Street & Smith's Good News. Young Wife—Yes, but all my friendi have told me that I couldn't have made a worse bargain.—Boston Courier Civil service has its odd and rather amusing features to one, at least, who sees the ridiculous readily. For instance, there is a position under the government in the customs which requires that a man wlio tills it shall, to the best of his ability, knock off the lids of boxes by means of a cold chisel and hammer. " 'I should think that you would have found some trouble in selecting names for all of your children.' The New York custom house is a triumph of inconvenience, a miracle of misfits and architectural deformities. It A Correct Sarmlae. Not waiting to hear the objurgations of those on the other side of the abyss, he knelt beside the fluttering form of bis heart's devotion, sure of a short period of bliss, at least, and anxiously dragged back the fur hood to catch a glimpse of her sweet face. " 'I didn't, though. 1 know that 8 great many folks have had trouble in that way, an' I was determined to steer cl'ar nv it, so I 'dopted a rule, an' when the fust chile was born we called him One. The next was named Two, the next Three, an' so on. W'y, it worked like a charm, an' we didn't have a bit nv trouble. I would advise everybody to 'dopt the rule. One is married to a sorter slouch nv a woman, an' lives down yan on the branch. Two is a hoss trader. All the rest air at home. Three thar,' turning to a blushing girl, 'is old anuff to git married. Eight, don't stan' so clost to the fire, you'll scorch yer britches. Hur, make Nine an' Eleven behave tharselves. Twelve, go on now an' rock the cradle, fur don't you hear Sixteen crvin7* Dodging the Chaperon. Afraid of His Clieek. As time went on both Miss C and the driver grew older, tnd it was alleged by their frioncb that while the lady slumbered within tho coach tha driver was equally sound asleep on tho box. "Excuse me, Mr. Travers," said the tailor, "but a gentleman named Jagway was in yesterday and wanted to ordei some clothes. I was a trifle suspicious of him, sir. He said he was a friend of yours and referred me to you." "Henry, you know if we go to the theatre, mamma has to go too as a chaperon."Horse Owner—Say, keep your fa« away from that horse's hoof. He may kick you. is a sort of », so far as com- "That's all right, my dear; I have bought three tickets, but unfortunately I could only get two seats together. The odd one, however, is the beet seat in the house, so well give that to yonr mother."—Harper's Bazar. fort goes, between the massive, rectangular residence of the cave dweller and the root cellar of the renaissance. There is no room in it, no elevator, no effort to be fireproof above the first floor, no light, no air, no method, no. comfort and no economy. Venerable officials and employes who were there to show Henry Hudson over the building are still using the same tin cuspidors made of the inverted lid of the tin dinner pail of the past. The same sand is in them yet. Book Agent—Oh, rats! He won't hurt me. The knowledge of Euclid or the binormal theorem i3 not absolutely n?ces3ary, the principal thing being to avoid pulling out the thumb nail while pulling the other nails. But the civil service requires that he shall know certain things, whether he can knock off the lid of the box or not. One of these men has to stand upon a set of cyclopedias in order to reach the top of a big box. Horse Owner—I know that; but I don't want the animal crippled.—Lawrence American. One evening Miss C did not come home at the appointed time, and the domestics wero thrown first into surprise and then into consternation by this unprecedented occurrence. They waited for some time, and then sent to the house of tho relative, where they learned that their mistress had started for home at a quarter to 9, as usual. "Of course," said Travers, "Jagway if all right. Why, sir, that fellow is just as good as I am." Ho had stolen his father-in-law.- Philadelphia Times. lZaiy an Swimming. Not a Success as a Reporter. "Yes, sir," replied the tailor sadly, "that is just what I thought."—Clothier and Furnisher. Mr. Slimpurse (who has been accepted by Miss Wealthy without inquiries as to hid financial standing)—I .vonder. my darling, if your parents will give their consent. A Kid's Idea. Bob (to his uncle)—Say, uncle, how do you set your watch? A young reporter has secured his di»- cliarge because when three articles were required of him he turned in "A, An and rho." —Washington Post. Uncle (facetiously)—Well, I set H sometimes on the table and sometimes on the mantelpiece. A Mean Swindle. Mistress—Did you ask for milk breadi Domestic—Yes, mum. Miss Wealthy (thoughtfully)—Ma has always been very particulat about the moral character of young men I associate with, and I'm afraid she'll ask a good many questions. An Kxtemporized Bat Rack. Still more alarmed, Miss C 's butler hastened to the house of the hackinan. Here all was dark, but after repeated knocking!* ho succeeded in arousing the driver, from whom he demanded the whereabouts of his mistress. The driver struck his hand to his forehead in sudden consternation. Monarchies have risen, flourished and decayed, kings have been born, cut their eye teeth, reigned a few lonesome weeks and moldered back into plebeian dust. Emperors have risen, and in a few years practically dictated to the world for a time, but their dust is in the mighty brick yard of the past, and the winds of heaven are whistling through the tattered upholstery of their vacant thrones, but the gray sand in the tin cuspidor of the custom house of the United States smiles mockingly at the swift and hungry centuries. In the language of a friend, "he is up on books, but he is short on stature." The civil service does not ask him how tall he is, but whether a given line, bisecting the base of an isosceles triangle and running due east toward a given point, will also bisect the circumference of a eiven circle whose radius is percentile ular to the base of the isosceles triangle.Bob—Aw, I dont mean that I mem when you want to make it grind.—Washington Star. ODDS AND ENDS. "What a miserable little loaf they gave you!" "Yes, mum; it's my opinion, mum, that that baker is usin' condensed milk." —New York Weekly. A Noble Nature. Germany boasts the healthiest army te Europe. Belgium is second best and England comes in third. If a dog desecrates any church In Salt Lake City by entering its door tha owns Df the brute is liable to-a fine of (6. Mr. Slim purse (Joyfully)—Oh. I can get references from half a dozen ministers."Yes, it was a very large family, and I don't know how Mr. Beasley could have managed had he not adopted the numerical system."—Arkansaw Traveler.Jones is a member of the society for the prevention of cruelty to animals and enters heart and soul into the work. A Big Easiness. Swipesy (to newsboy)—Hello, Stokeseyl How's trade? Miss Wealthy (delighted)—That's splendid! Then after that all you'll have to do will be to get references from half a dozen bankers and you'll catch pa.— New York Weekly. The other day a friend was complaining because he had been compelled to lodge in a room infested by fleas and bad spent the night in trying to reduce their number. For a slight cat bind on It a piece of iommon brown wrapping paper such aa autchers use for wrapping meats. Never gire way to repining. No habit ia worse than that of oaeleM grumbling. Action and work will mend the worst fortune.The Letter of the Law Obeyed. "Bless my soul!" ho pried. "Miss C must be in the coach house." Take also the case of a man whose duty it is to pack and unpack valuable bric-a-brac. Those who have put in a year or two packing and unpacking without breakage costly china, marble, glass and other truck will agree with me that this is extremely important, although a civil service examination does not touch the question. Of course it is well for a man who drives a team for the custom house to know that "evolu- Stokesey (shoestring vender)—Trade'i rushin'; but I just took in a lead dime, and that knocks the profits for today.— Harper's Bazar. And upon investigation it proved that the lady, still asleep, sat in the carriage in the coach house, whither she had been driven by her coachman, who was himself hardly more awake than she. The horses were put in, and Miss C wa3 driven home.# "Poor things!" exclaimed Jonfe, all the milk of human kindness promptly bubbling up within him, "how you must have made them suffer."—Judge. Fashion's Slave. * m ♦D i I I The custom house is ornamented with a big granite porch, supported by the government and a row of massive fluted columns as devoid of beauty as the animated drumstick of the antique chorus girL This porch is expensive, but without use or beauty. In this respect it resembles the average case of typhoid imitative Englishman. One, tat Mot the Other. A provincial newspaper prints the lot .owing advertisement! "Wanted—A woman to wash, iron and milk two or three cows." Laphson—Have you the courage to lend me five dollars? On a Muddy Day. Finlan—It's wan that Mary Ann bought at McTine's. When tho coachman opened the door at her gate, which was one of the civilities she always exacted from him, she was pleased to remark: Smiles—I have the courage, but I haven't the five dollars.—Journal of Education.Murphy—An' a good wan it is, Jerry. TV man that shtuffed it knowed his tasin ess.—-J ad ge. It is as impossible for some people to mind their own business as it is for them to have any business of their own to mind. Consistency Mot • Jewel. Rain - in - the - back-of-his-neck —Injun too honest to steal cattle, but  "John, you drive better every time I ride with you. I never remember to have come home so smoothly as I did to-night."—Youth's Companion. The other day a St. Louis man stepped up to the stamp window of the postoffice and bought 1800 worth of postage stamps. The new telephone cable between Paris and London contains four copper conductors, well insulated and armored. 13m circuit will be a metallic one. A new stenographio machine in use by the Italian parliament is capable at recording 250 words a minute, and can be readily manipulated by a blind person. It is said by an eminent pbysidan that no child under twelve should bo permitted to study outside the school room, even one half hour out of the twenty-four. A San Francisco undertaker has fitted up a large and handsome funeral parlor where funerals may be held. It is intended to meet the needs of families who lire in hotels. The first thing encountered in the interior is a rotunda, which presents the bright and ever changing scenery noticeable from the bottom of a drilled well. It started oat to be the arena for a cock fight, changed its mind and sought to be a dry cistern; then securing a political pull it proceeded to become the rotunda of the custom house, and every effort to remove it has so far proved unavailing.Actress (queen in extravaganza)—It seems ridiculous that I should wear diamonds about an inch in diameter. How She Fixed Him. Maude—Oh, Daisy, I saw your new little poodle the other day. Manager—You will have real diamonds to-night. I will also provide real poison in the grand spectacular queen poisoning scene.—Jewelers' Circular. Lugsy—Goin' Into the circus business, Pugsy? Daisy (ecstatically)—Did you? Isn't he just too sweet for anything? Maude—Yes: but I thought you said some of his pretty curly liair had lDet.n burned off. PugBy—Naw! I put my tail Up in papers last n]ght, and it curls so tight this morning I can't get my hiu'l feet on th« ground.— Puck. A lady in London, who was very musical, wished to have a party devoted solely to famous musicians. She desired to have Neil Gow there, and wrote to a friend in Ayrshire asking him to bring the Scottish strathspey player with him. Neil accepted, and, being detained from traveling in company with his friend from Ayrshire, set out for the metropolis alone. He found great difficulty in getting to the house, and arrived very late. When he presented himself at the door the servant put him into the kitchcn and informed her mistress that an uncouth looking man was asking for her. During the servant's absence Nail had espied an old looking violin hanging on the wall. Curiosity made him look at it, and he found it had been played upon quite recently. lie struck it with his lingers and it was in pcrfoet tune. A Story of Neil Gow. "How to Hold the Boys," was the title of a lecture recently given in Boston. No instruction is needed how to hold the girls. Besides there is much more pleasure in experimenting than in theorizing in regard to the latter.—Cape Cod Item. Practice Preferable to Theory. OnbUiie the Bakery Window. Daisy—Oh. it had; but I ju9t patched him up with one of grandma's new "waves." It's just a splendid match. You'd never know the difference.— Smith, Gray A Co.'s Monthly. Il ■ NOTHIXa IS SAID ABOUT JEWELRY. —Judge. Entering the large corner room where sits the collector of the port—and other dutiable beverages—I found Mr. Erhardt with his back to the fire and his face to the foe. . Doncaster— How'd you do it, deah boy? Wagg—I see you are advertising a fine lino of walking gloves. I should like to see thein. iTe Pleasantries of Trade. Twedley—Since that horwid fashion came in of carwying canes ferwule end up I k-keep forgetting raeself and sticking it in me mouth.—Judge. Family Lawyer—I understand that you are a suitor for the hand of the daughter of my millionaire client? The Complete Outfit. Just ifore Banishment. He comes down about 9 a. m. and works till 5 o'clock in the evening, lunching in his office. III  Haberdasher—Yes, sir; here they are, as fine a lino of walking gloves as ever came into the market. THE OFFICE CHAIE. Family Thrift. Titled Foreigner—Yes, monsieur, in part. A burglar was neatly captured in Hounelow, England. He became fixed in the panel of a door, through which he had endeavored to make his way, and in this posi- By hanging around till about 1 o'clock I was invited to lunch with him. Hon. James W. H us ted eat and conversed while we ate. The artist will kindly make a rather pleasing drawing of the three scholarly gentlemen as they appeared at the time. tion is a gradual change from an infinite, incoherent homogeneity to a definite, coherent heterogeneity through continuous differentiations and integrations," but it would be still better if he knew promptly what to do in a malignant case of botts. Wagg—Yes. the gloves look all right; but what I want is to see them walk. "George," inquired the proprietor of the market, "isn't this the day to send Mrs. Neer her regular chickcn?" ll Family Lawyer — In part? Explain yourself. Haberdasher—Sea here, young fellow, if you want to see those gloves walk you can do it for a dollar and fifty cents a pair, and if you haven't got the price the best thing you can see walk around here is vourself.—Boston Courier. Titled Foreigner (with a shrug)— Well, monsieur, to be frank wiz you, I shall expect ze pocketbook zat goes wiz ze hand.—Chicago Times. tion was secured. To preserve iron work from rust mix some copal varnish with as much olive oil as will make it greasy, to which add nearly as much spirits of turpentine, and apply. The winning candidate for clerk in • Kentucky county died just before the polls closed on election day. His competitor now claims the office. "No," answered the boy; "it doesn't go till day after to-morrow." "The Neers get just one chicken a week," explained the proprietor to a customer. "They cook it for dinner the first day, make soup from it the next four days and then live for two days on feathers, and I've got to be particular about sending the chicken at the right time or I'll lose their trade."—Chicago But I cannot do this subject justice, and perhaps 1 should not refer to it here, because it really does not belong to a letter treating of the custom house, for the cases above referred to were obtained surreptitiously from other parties. The collector seems to take kindly to civil service, I judged, and although he courteously laughed when I referred to these illustrations, he did not give way to mirth as I have seen people do. A man went by the door and looked cautiously in. Afterward I heard him say to another man that he understood the Sutherland sisters were lunching together today. They then, both of them, burst into a low, coarse laugh. ' The correspondence room is a very busy place, and hundreds of letters intended for the collector's private eye are carefully opened and read by Mr. Jeffries, who came to New York in the fall of 1492, and at once went to work at his present job. I refer to this matter of A Dadjje of Distinction. "I suppose you thinktl wear this high collar from dudish motives," inquired Longnecke of his prospective employer. A Fowl Retort. Taking down tli J bow ha began to play. Never had ho heard such good quality of tone. On he played, and w!i?:i the servant returned he would neither stop playing nor speak to her. Tho rest of the company wero alarmed proceeded to the kitchen. There stochi Neil playing away as if for dear life. The fiddle had enchanted him and he could not leave it Tho company called to him to stop, but it was only by holding his right arm that the music ccased. Thereupon Neil sank upon a chair and, wiping the perspiration from li:s brow, said: "Lord, mem, sic a fiddle !" All that evening the company enjoyed themselves, and always at intervals Neil was heard saying to his hostess: "Lord, mem, sio a fiddle?" His thoughts wero chained to it and it is gratifying to know that he carried it with him to Scotland.—Exchange.Mickey—What way would you rudder die, Blazey? Blazey—I dnnno. I think I'd rudder eat too much an' bust.—Judge. "I alius kills my chickens in tho wood shed," said old Mr. Rural to Funnicus, who was boarding with him. Rochelle or Epsom salts, taken occasionally in the morning, are wonderful removers of the aches and pains of which, just now, almost everybody complains. "That is where you do me wrong, sir. Last summer while promenading in Cen tral park the menagerie broke loose. A gang of keepers caged me by mistake, while my best girl returned home with the giraffe. No, I am no dude!''--Liy Goods Chronicle. "It certainly looks that way." "Oh, that was the wood Bhed, was it?" returned Funnicus. "I judged from the appearance of things it was the blood shed."—Harper's Bazar. Tribune. Be Believed It. How Some Boyi Can Fib. Irate Parent—I (whack) won't be deceived (whack), by you any (whack) more! I can (whack) see through (whack) you!" Cleopatra. He is kind to those who have served well and faithfully, and seems to cling to faithful employes wherever the public weal requires it or will be best subserved. I think that is what he said, though the word weal is one that I know very little of. He says that gross incompetence, intemperance or indolence would always meet with a prompt dismissal.The 4-year-old son of Charles Clifford, the pugilist who is now in jail for probably fatally wounding David A. Greever, the stockman, is precocious and a "chip off the old block." Cleopatra being now a good deal before the public as a topic of theatrical interest, the Egyptian coins struck in her reign, which are in the numismatic department of the National library, are greatly run upon there. They show her when she was respectively wife and when queen regnant. One sees her at all ages, from her earlyteens to almost the close of her reign. Cleopatra on these coins and medals is far nearer to Sam Bernhardt than to Mn. Langtry. She is almost spare in figure when young, and at all times lithe. The neck remained young to the last. Had she lived to 80 she might have looked a little like Prince Napoleon, the mouth and chia having a Mother Hubbard tendency to meet. A Careful Wife. Sam Johnsing—Fse all right now. I'se gwinter get up. His Maternal Ancestor — Studying grandma's portrait, dear? What do you think of it? Johnny (across his knee)—I shouldn't wonder a bit, pa. You've been pounding me long enough to make a hole clear through me.—Lawrence American. corresoondence because a great many people think that by marking a letter to a high official as private or personal it will be read only by him and immediately placed under his pillow at night. The collector can, however, have no secrets during office hours, at least through the mails and hardly viva voce. Prompt and Careful. Mr. Tick—How long will it take you to make me a suit of clothes? Tailor—Three days. Tommy—I was thinking how sorry you must be that you ever growed up.— Puck. Police Surgeon Iuen, while trying to entertain the little fellow at the police station yesterday, pointed to his hunting dog and said: Mrs. Johnsing—Fool niggah; jess you stay in bed until you has tuck de rest ob de medicine in dat bottlo what I paid a dollar for.—Texas Sittings. Mr. Tick—All right; and I'll settle the bill in just sixty days from today. You'll have 'em ready on time, now, won't you! "There's a nice dog. He can catch & ball in his mouth when I toss one to him." Strong Language. "I hear some hard words passed between you?" "And what would you regard as a pronounced case of indolence in the service of the government, Mr. Erhardt?" "You had a narrow escape on the lakes, I understand?" A Last Kesort. Just the Opposite. The cashier's room interested me a good deal. It always does wherever I go. So, with the collector to vouch for me, I went through the little dingy offices and dens where as high as a million and a half per day is handled. This money, as Col. Jones explained, is either in the form of a specially certified check or currency, and the latter is constantly assorted into the proper denominations, so that at the time for handing over to the sub-treasury at evening, quarters are in their proper parcels, duly counted, so likewise small ehange and large up to the ten thousand dollar bill which I held in my hand quite a while. meantime asking CoL Jones to notice what a peculiarly mottled appearance the sky had. "To save my life," she said, "I can't form the remotest idea of what heaven is like." "Yes; he called me a megalophonous megalasaurus. To which I retorted that, in comparison with him, the antediluvian cyclepteridae would not have been in it." —Harper's Bazar. Tailor—Yes, sir; they'll lie ready in just sixty-three days.—Smith, Gray CSt Co.'s Monthlv. "Yes, indeed. The coal ran out, and the captain had to split up the ship's log to keep the fires going."—Munsey's Weekly. "That's nuthin'," said the boy; "I've got a dog that will catch up a stick in its teeth and bat the ball back." "Well, the government is not generally severe on its employes, I think. For instance, I knew of a man who acted for many years as a watchman for the government, and while the president was down there at Washington this man held "You've been in New York, haven't "Bat this dog can climb a tree," said Dr. Iuen, slyly winking. yon?' No Wings at All, But, Etc. Stranger (entering)—Can I get a bite at this hotel? "Yes." The fall, luscious lips, resembling those of a Somali woman, do not mitigate much the hardness of the physiognomy. It is a strange countenance and one easy to read. The forehead bulges at the eyebrows. Its prominence here gives it singular irregularity, producing the effect almost of a smaller growing up out of a larger one. Jove was represented by Greek sculptors with suoh a forehead, bat on a mora massive scale. The eye is greatly in shadow, and almost sinister, having the expression of a snake's when a bird is to be charmed. The aquiline curve of the nose is at once strong and delicate, and the nostril is well open and finely carved. Taken with the lips, it gives an impression of a woman prone to sensual joys, cynical, fond of a cruel joke and contemptuous. Id TolapokU: 1000. "That's nuthin'," again retorted the boy. "All the dogs climb trees where I live. My dog goes to school with me and is in the same class." The police surgeon's breath was taken away and he had nothing further to say.—Kansas City Times. "Well, then, try to imagine a place the entire opposite of New York; where tho people are unlike anybody you ever seo there, and the nearer you get to a complete contrast the closer will you come to the idea of heaven."—Philadelphia Times. Strictly BmliHWi Stranger (departing)—I guess you can. I stayed there last night nnd I got several of them.—Yonkers Statesman. "Well, Jacob, are you studying English this term?" Lady—I would like to get a servant girl. The family consists 6t my husband, myself and five children. When a Woman Is Well Dressed. up his corner of the great national fabric by attending the theatre while on watch. He slept at the government building, but took his meals at home. Thus he got his salary for his lodging, and often received a box at the theatre on the strength of his relations with the government. He is now not in it" "No, sir. We finished English last term. We are now reading McAllister." —New York Sun. The general woman is the woman you know and I know, you like and I like. Sho has wit and sense enough to realize that the most expensive fashions are often the key note to the development of pretty coats and frocks in less costly fabrics. If she is wise she will study out the colors and stuffs that suit her best. She will buy each frock and gown with the thought to that which is already in her wardrobe, and in this way will avoid inharmonious effects. Gowns, gloves and hats in harmony are what, after all, make a well dressed woman. They need not absolutely match, but not a color must, as the French people say, "swear at each other." The general effect must be that gained in a many liued flower, each shade blending into each other until perfection is obtained and the woman, like a flower, is a symphony in tints.—Mrs. Mallon, in Ladies' Home Journal. Employment Agent—Very sorry, madam, but you will have to kill off some of tlie children.—Yenowine's News. Precocious Precautions. Ethel—Johnnie, if you slide down th» bannisters again mamma will whip you. Little Johnnie—Yes; but if I slide down enough I'll get so tough it won't hurt.-*- Munsejr's. First Medical Student—Do you know I have a suspicion that this fellow isn't dead? An Interruption. Overcome. A. Truce, or How Two Wrong* Made a Bight Aloud, unearthly shriek 8 wept through the house at midnight, and Trotter sat up in bed and glared at a ghost that crouched upon the footboard. He—Don't tell me you're going to marry Tom Smithers. If you do, it will kill me. He ffu Safe. "But regarding virulent and long continued attacks of indolence, does the government fire such cases?" Might Have Pat It Differently. Second Medical Student—He certainly does bear some resemblance to life. But we've tried everything without avail. She—Well, they had only been engaged a week when (hesitating)—If I've told you this before HI spare you a repetition of it. "What do you mean by waking me up at this hour?" growled Trotter. ' 'You can't scare me." She—You're safe then. I'm going to marry Bob Sawyer.—Van Dora's Magazine.However, with a suspicion growing, 1 dare say, out of his long and busy contact with sharpers and men of little principle, he watched me eagerly, I noticed, and kent an employe to the window to look at xhe peculiarly mottled appearance of the sky. One of the best experts on bills and silver counterfeits in the country, no doubt, has his little cage in the cashier's office. He cannot always explain why he does not like a bill or a silver piece, but he knows he does not choose any of it, and a test showB that he is correct. Long after I had left this department Col. Jonea showed me a $20 bill, and asked me if I saw anything peculiar about it. I said no, I did not, aside from the fact that a $20 bill always did have a novel appearance to me. "Well," said he, "that is a counterfeit. It was detected just after you went out." I convinced him after a while that I did not do it, though. The bill had been di*ly photographed, aad then all the work, back and front, carefully done over with a pen. It was a pretty good looking bill. Mr. Urban "Yes, always. Ultimately. The policy erf the government has been rather pacific, and yet where a man has become so sedentary that he can sit down on an open Barlow knife and go to sleep we look into his case. Should he occupy all day a chair on which there is an open eight bladed knife, with a corkscrew in the back, also open, and then at night go home with the knife adhering to his person, we call for his resignation." The Dead Man—I wish you fellows would quit talking, or else send me back to Philadelphia.—Life. He (fearfully bored)—Oh, don't spars me!—American Grocer. "P-please, sir," chattered the shivering spook, "I didn't w-want to, b-but I arrived in the middle of a deep snore, and I was frightened."—Judge. To Celebrate the Day- Ella—Did you have any Bermuda lilies for Easter? Her firmly molded and advancing chin shows volition. She was willful to the last degree, and not to be turned from any purpose. The hair is dressed in the Greek manner, and twisted up in a knot on the nape of the neck. She is bad and bewitching. All the men she fascinated saw through her, but were too intoxicated by her charms to break away from her. She wore the royal diadem, which is represented on some of the coins.—Paris Cor. London Truth. Wooden—Well, you can say what you choose, I don't like Sneaker. A Dangerous Man. Bella—No, but we had some Bermuda onions for dinner. Citizen. Stranger—How is the old gentleman down the road who was sick last week? Personally Interested. Edgely—Why, he's a very fine fellow, polite and accommodating. A Tactful Hostess. She—Our friend Miss Dawson is unwell today. Red Sam—Did you say that I was a crawlin', sneakin' kind of a moss adder? A Brooklyn Disappointment. Parmer—Why do you care how he is when yon do not know him and havn never seen him? Wooden—Yes, he's polite enough, no doubt, to your face, but he's one of those fellows who will cut your throat behind your back.—Boston Courier. He—Yes, she overexerted herself last night Black Dick—Yes. Did you say I got chased a mile by a lame coyote? Stranger—I am in the tombstone busitsas—Chicago Ledger. Speaking about chairs, while I was in the office word came that there had been orders issued from Washington that some of the office furniture should be repaired. It seems that some time ago a special agent of that department called on the collector. The latter showed him a chair. The agent said he did not care to sit "Yes, yes, sit down," said the genial cherub who presides over the revenue and sits serene beneath the peculiar banner of the custom house; "take that chair right there." She—How? Black Dick—Then we're even without shootin'. (Put up the guns and walk off.)—Judge. Bed Sam—Yes. He—She invited six persons to dinner, and as not one of them was ou speaking terms with any of tbe others ■he had to entertain each one separately and at the same time.—Munsey's Weekly. "What did he take?" inquired the detective that had been hastily summoned. nnai He Took. Buccl's Forty Days' Fut. Cruelty to Anlmali. Signor Sued, the famous London faster, rho was carefully studied from a physiological standpoint during his fast, and is credited by the London papers with a genuine performance, lost during the last days of his fast about half a pound a day; his temperature remained normal,bat his pulse was more than ordinarily rapid. The leason of Signor Succi's experiment, says The Medical Record, is one that has often been tanght before, and it is that people eat too much, and in this country at least drink too little. More diseases come from excessive and intemperate feeding than from alcohol, for wrong feeding i3 the basis of gouty, rheumatic, diabetic and obese diatheses, as well as of an Infinite number of enstro-intestinal ilia. Dudley—Yas, Miss Mawy, and Just then a bwight ideah shot- through my head, doncherknaw. Of Course Not. Mrs. Blunt—You snored awfully last night, John. "I think he took the train for Canada," replied the bank president, who was walking about through the empty vault and whistling dolefully an andante in Q minor.—Chicago Tribune. A. D. Whlto and Cocilucation. Ex-Presiile.it White, of Cornell, is enthusiastically in favor of coeducation and athletic exercises. Coeducation makes women more womanly and men more manly, lio says. And sunshine, fresh air and vigorous physical exercises are more important for girls tlian for boys even, because "co-ed." girl students in their zeal for study are apt to neglect their bodies. In his judgment no girl should be permitted to take a college course unless she also took a proper system of regular exorcise in a gymnasium or elsewhere. Miss Mary—Oh, Mr. Dndely! go clear through? Did it "What ridiculous names you have for your towns! Conshohocken,Weehawken, Hoboken—they are all perfectly laughable," said Lord Noodleby. Lord Noodleby At Home. Mr. Blunt—I don't believe it. "But yon did." Dudely—Ah, Miss Mawyl—Light. "I did not. Do you deaf?"—Yankee Blade. suppose rm Why, Indeed? Should Have Blown Out the Gal. Miss Brown—Come right in, papa; you won't interrupt us. Mr. Blish and I are just skimming over our parts in the Amaranth theatricals. Conjugal scene between Monsieur and Madame de Bondamousse: "Why," said the husband, "do you put the hair of another woman on your head?"' The agent did so, and the collector conversed with him. Every little while the agent would put somemore chalk on the leather seat of the chair and remount it, but in a few minutes he would fall off, and just barely catch himself and It was Mr. Way back who had heard much about pressing the button and some one else doing the rest. He went to the city, and pressed the button in his room all night, but says he didn't get » bit of rest.—Boston Times. "Yes, our nomenclature is queer," returned Hicks. "I suppose," he added, "your lordship lives most of the time in London." "Oh, no, indeed. I'm almost always at my castle at Pokestogy-on-the- Hike."—New York Sun. "What a light man you are, Mr. Cokeleigh!" she Baid at the scales. A Light Man. "I ought to be," he responded confidently, "I'm the superintendent of a candle factory."—Washington Star. Mr. Brown (with a sigh to himself)— By ginger! I had hopes that time.— Judce. "Why," retorted his better half, "do you wear the skin of another calf on your hands?"—Le Voltaire. V