Pittston Gazette

              Oldest f'ewsuaiier in the WvomiDg Valley. * PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1890. A WeeKly Local and Family Journal WHY ROSY LIPS WERE MADE. mustached, evilly handsome face, and plainly I heard Ediena's cry of surprise and fear as he confronted her midway on the trestle. Then through the darkness floated his triumphant exclamation:HIS KNOWLEDGE ON TAP. tily and has nci doubt boon bitterly regetted since by the man who did it. It was put on hurriedly also, I would say, upon hearing the call to arms. The TWILIGHT IN BORDERLAND. not l cannot say, out there is no cross against her name, and I ask that she be spared not only from sharing his fate, but from the sight of his death, for she loves him." , WHY I GO ABrtOAD. The Professor 'at the dinner table- Ob, by the way, Mrs. Chopsticks, have you seen your little boy Willie lately? Absent minded. A IVAN OF HIS WORD. As Bessie, blushing, raised b«r head rhe handsome follow arehlj salil. Stroking his chin: Pray tell why rosy lips were made. Said she: They are the sweet blockade Against young lovers who invade The heart within. rh» rky is aglow with the sunset light, lie lias poured his gold over tower and tree. And scattered hU diamonds upon the sea. Dropped his casket of pearls on the robe of Night, And his tears ou the floweret's pink and white. Yet I leave them, mother, and fly to thee. I Tried to Lecture, bat Fate and My Wife Were Against Me. I shall both pray and sleep the better tonight if I prick my thoughts with the point of my pencil. He Promised to Send Forty Men  BILL NYE ANSWERS ANOTHER BATCH and Kept the Promise. OF ANXIOUS INQUIRERS. j j j This from me! No wonder the captain stared, then laughed. But I did not laugh in return, and being the strongest man in the band and the surest with my rifle, he did not trifle long, but listened to my plans and in part consented to them, so that I retreated to my post at the gateway with something like confidence, while he, approaching the door, lifted the knocker and let it fall with a resounding clang that ve rung like a knell of death to the -j within. Mrs. Chopsticks—No, professor, I have not seen him siace 10 o'clock, and I can't imagine what has become of him. In fact I am very mnch worried abont him. It was a boiling hot day in August, and a St. Louis clothier was mopping his brow at the door when an acquaintance observed: "Ah-ah! Ediena Wyldmere, I have you now! Twioo I have asked you to be my wife, only to meet with refusal and scorn. To-night I swear you shall consent to marry me, or you meet your death in the waters of Crooked river!" If 1 the sweet blockade should run Blight I not hold the heart I'd won By such adventure? Not every one can take who tries! But should you take me by surprise And close the lips I'd still have eyes Would speak in censure! Fugitive Facts About Calvary, Llbby Over field and woodland and dark ravine My spirit is borne oait j pinions {test. Till I clasp your band and our gla 1 eyes meet; Then wo wander away in a glorious dream And float, and float in a mystical shoen. To a realm unknown to mortal feet. In the first place, I was old enough to know better. But, alas, for the great blank wall of the mystery of things! Prison, Managerial Prevaricators and "You seem to be taking it hard." t;« Milllnley BUI—Slot Machines—Gen. Professor—Well, seeing Martha pour me out that glass of water just now reminded me of something that I had on my mind to tell you some time ago, but which unfortunately escaped my mind. It was just about 10 o'clock I think that I saw little Willie fall down the well.— Boston Courier. "My soul! but I vhas oaferpowered und dun for! I vhas proke in two in der middle!" Harrison's Portrait. As I write I find it impossible to decide which emotion takes precedence— pity for myself or rage at her. By "Her" I mean my wife. I have one. It will be "she" and "her" between us now and forevermore, until I can learn the lesson of forgiveness. If I am slightly incoherent pardon it in a man who has had his very soul sandpapered. Friend, were you ever invited to daliver a lecture? Did yon prepare it in an uplifted state amounting to inspiration! Did you round its periods with laughter and with tears? If so yon will understand. Then came another flash of light that showed my darling struggling in his vile clasp. To my ears came a cry that stirred every droj? of blood in my veins: [Copyright, 1890, by Edgar W. Nye.] We bask in that wonderful region of light. We aro Oiled and thrilled with love's sweetest tone. "Heat affect you that way?" The following notes and inquiries are waiting for reply this month, and I hasten ro attend to them in this issue of the pajDer. Others are in hand, but space will forbid my attention to them for some time at least, if not even longer than that: "Heat! Who said heat? I can shtand fifty degrees more of dot. No, it vhas someting else. I find a man who keeps his word wid me." "How was it?" Could eyes like those be so unkind? Then close them up, for "Love is blindP* Nay, that's not true, sir! Can Love be blind, I' 1 like to know, And shoot the unerring arrow so? lie sees more la some one, I trow, Than others do, sir. And why do cheeks get rosy red? m tail you why, sweet Bessie said. With tome emotion. There nature, with consummate art, Paints every pa sion of the heart That burning secret to impart— A maid's devotion!  IIo Btolo one kiss! then two, three, fourf And gladly would have stolen mors Without repenting. Yoii've ta'en my heart; It must be true Tiieec rosy lips were made for you! You'd better take tae residue While I'm consenting. —Fred [Emerson Crooks in New York Herald. Whilo we drink of a bliss to sense unknown. Oh, what do they know of pure delight. Whose souls never stretched out their wings is In an instant I leaped forward and tore her from his arms; at the same time I dealt him a terrific blow tnat sent him reeling against tha railing of the bridge. The rotten guard gave way, and flinging up his arms, with the look of unutterable horror on his face plainly revealed by the vivid glare, he uttered one wild cry and plunged downward into the dark water. Ediena uttered one joyful cry: flight, Who never have found and embraced their own? For the judge knew our errand; I saw it in his face when he rose to his feet, and he had no hope, for we had never failed in our attempts, and the house, though strongly built, was easily assailable."Vhell, dis morning der mate of a shteamboat comes in here to buy clothing. He vhas a werry honest looking man, und he says he can pring forty deckhands to my place. I says if dot vhas so I like to gif him a suit of clothes." Mr. St. Clair Hinckley, of South Mandan, writes to know "if it is really true that a company has been organized to acquire title to Calvary for exhibition purposes, and if so, briefly, what are the particulars? Is Libby prison on exhibition?"—Eliza Lamb Martvn. At the Children'* Festival. THE BLACK CROSS. A black cross had been set against Judge Hawkins* name. Why it is not for me to say. We were not accustomed to explain our motives or to give reasons for our deeds. The deeds were enough, and thifc black cross meant death, and when it had been shown us all that we needed to know further was at what nour we should meet for the contemplated raid. While the captain knocked three men had scaled the portico and were ready to enter the open windows if the judge refused to parley or offered any resistance to what was kno wn as the captain's will. "Death to the judge!" was the cry, and it was echoed not only at the door but around the house, where the rest of the men had drawn a cordon ready to waylay anyone who nought to escape. Death to the judge! And the judge was loved by that woman and would be mourned by her till— But a voice is speaking, a voice from out that great house, and it asks what is wan ted and what the meaning is of these threats of death. I am a quiet man. I live in a quiet town. Hitherto I have been highly respected. My wife is considered a nice little woman, and I have shared in this popular opinion—until now. She is not nice and, furthermore, she does not belong to the aristocracy of brains. "Rather risky." "Jasper! Jasper!" Such a syndicate—an unpardonable syndicate—has been formed in London with Sir Andrew Clarke as the head. It is not always the Yankee who buys up holy ground for such purposes. "Oh, no. I fix him like dis: I bundle up dot suit und leaf him next door. If forty mens come and inquire for clothing der suit vhas his. If not, he dou' get him. He has shust gone avhay mit der suit." Then she sank unconscious at my feet. From that moment I knew no more until I awoke in the morning to find myself in the hospitaL And in the morning my memory was fully restored to its natural condition. I found that I knew my own name and the names of my friends. That day I left the hospitaL IN LIBBY PRISON. Ill sleeves are made long, so as to obviate the necessity for mittens, and suould have been rolled up before the picture was taken. The trousers are made full at the hips and gored, evidently for an Englishman, while the bosom of the coat is flaccid and prehensile. f The idea is to put a barbed wire fence around Calvary and other places of sacred interest and charge an admission. Whether Kiralfy will give his spectacular show inside the inclosure every evening, closing with a ballet, I do not know; but the sultan has granted to the new corporation special privileges in Asiatic Turkey and Palestine. So that those who desire to see this sacred spot before admission is charged should lose no time I was invited a week since to lecture to-night on "Materialism." I had never been invited to lecture before. I had my ideas on lectures and lecturers. I always have had them. As a rule I had concluded that they lack deliberation. Their flow of words is not regulated properly to produce the desired effect. Their gesticulations are too violent and generally ill suited to the ideas intended to be illustrated by them. "But you are a long way ahead if you sold to forty men." mys: THY OF A DREAM. A word from the captain settled that, md when tho next Friday came a dozen men met at the placo of rendezvous ready for the ride which should bring them to the judge's solitary mansion across the mountains. "I doan' sell nottings to a single man How yC?u suppose I vhas tooken in? " It vhas a great game. Ash dot $J8 suit he took avhay only cost m« $4.25 I can almost laugh aboudt it myself. Here is how she vhas. One man after another comes in, looks about und says: I remained in the city a week, and during the entire time my strange dream—if dream it was—worried me constantly. Was Ediena in trouble? Did she need my protection? I am i about to write the story of the one great mystery of my life. I have told the story to many people, bat with one exceptioi have all looked very incredulous. Many shook their heads, and not a few acted aa if they thought me a trifle d rented. There i3 one, however, who is now sitting near the table at wpicli I cm writing that believes my etcry implicitly. Indeed EJiena. my darLi g wife, taows full well that the story which I am about to write it true. In the picture Gen. Harrison wears his hair long, and his whiskers strive in vain to look wjtrlike. The picture does not inspire one with awe. Many go to look at it because it is said to be his only photograph in uniform. Bat few are awed by it. Many hundred go away apparently pleased about something. If 1 were Gen. Harrison I would buy it at an early date and conceal it. I would not mind the price. Deacon Bargoe—Onr little friend, Sissy Milliken, will now give us a recitation called "The Mighty Cataract of Niagara." Now, don't be ufraid, Sissy. I was among them and in as satisfactory a mood a31 had ever been in my life, for the night waa favorable and the men hearty and in first rate condition. And the captain answers short and sharp: As a final result, one night I boarded a swift train, and in the morning I stood by my darling's bedside. She was just recovering from a brief but severe illness. As she, clung to my hand and shed tears of 'joy she sobbed reproachfully:" 'Good day. Say, I vhas going down to Florida dia week, und I like to take a fur trimmed oafercoat along. Show me sometings for about twenty dollar.' in goinj,'. "The Ku-Klux commands, but never explains. What it commands now is for Judge Hawkins to come forth. If he shrinks or delaj-s his house will be entered and burned, but if he will come out and meet like a man what awaits him his house shall go free and his family remain unmolested." Certainly the commercial spirit has advanced with rapid strides during the past 2,000 years. Some time ago a man living in California whose wife had been •lead for ten years removed the body from its original place of bunal, and on opening the casket it was found that the body was completely petrified. The husband, who had long wished to pay a visit to his old home in New England, therefore started out, giving exhibitions of the body in order to pay expenses, as he was a poor man and had not visited his boyhood home for many years. 1 mused on all these things. I wrote my essay; I memorized it. But after v.e had started and were threading a certain wood I began to have doubts. Feelings I Lad never before experienced assailed me with a force that first perplexed and then astounded me. I was afraid, and wuat rather heightened than diminished the unwonted sensation was the fact that I waa uot afraid of anything tangible, either in the present or future, but of something unexplainable and peculiar, which if it lay in the skies certainly made them look dark indeed, and if it hid in the forest, caused its faintest murmur to seem like the utterance of a great dread, is a-.vf C R3 it was inexplicable. As man himself weaves the web which hides from him the stars, so I myself planned my own undoing. "Eferv man said dot same thing, nnd vhen der last one vhas gone oudt nnd I vhas lying on der floor in a dead faint dot mate comes in und.says: "Oh, J jasper! Why did you leave me there on that bridge after rescuing me from Cyril Staythorne's hands?" S. Q. G., Dallas, Tex., writes: "I see that you are advertised to lecture in several Texas cities this season. Is it true that you are to be here this season?" The night came. The audience came. I cannot tell when the knowledge that I loved Ediena Wyldmere was first revealed tb me. We were children together, and as we grew older we seemed like brother and 6ister. Even then she was all the world to me, and cow dear I was to her her own sweet lips have told me a hundred limes. Oar joys and sorrows were shared together. As happy, thoughtless children we romped and laughed, jand many a time we mingled our tears hi childish grief. As the years rolled awjay our affection for each other grew stea dily stronger and deeper. At 19 £ diena was as fair and pure as the most Spotless thing under the sun. I almost worshiped her then, but I was 8till young and no thought of marriage entered my head. So beautiful a maiden could hot long avoid attracting admiring suitors, and among tho6e who flocked around her was one Cyril Staythorne, tho tall, proud, aristocratic master of Staythorne hall, which had been left him at the death of his wealthy father."And what is it that awaits him?" pursued the voice. I placed "Her," MS. in hand, upon a three legged stool in the wings—as my prompter. My instructions were to closely follow me in all my remarks, and at any appreciable pause to prompt me in several whispered words. How could I dream in what manner those instructions should be abused? I then walked forth upon the stage of oar town opera house. Thus unsuspectingly walk men ever to their doom. 3 " 'Vhell, I take dot suit along. If yon doan't lialf some fur trimmed oafercoats for my boys I haf to go semewhere else. I vlias a man who always keeps my word.' "What do you mean?" I hoarsely gasped, scarcely able to credit my ears. No, it is not true; at least, I think not. After the reunion and camp fire of the men who think they are managing me of course I can tell better. One man especially is quite obnoxious to me in this way. He makes engagements for me and then consults me about it afterward. He made a triumphal tour for me again this year before saying anything to me about it, and when I refused to go he wrote the committees that I was dangerously ilL The letters are now coming in on every mail inquiring about it. This party has every year asked me if he might join the joyful multitude of men who manage me, but I have annually requested him to let my affairs alone. He does not seem to be able to control himself, however; so this year he planned a preliminary farewell tour and contracted with quite a number of cities. Then she described a scene just as I had witnessed and taken part in my dream. She finally said: "Four bullets from four unerring rifles," returned the captain. "It is well; he will come forth," cried the voice, and then in a huskier tone: "Let me kiss the woman I love. I will not keep you long." "Und dot's what ails me," he gasped as he fell upon a stool at the door. "Fur trimmed oafercoats vhen it vhas 105 degtfces in my ice box!"—New York Sun. "I was over to Mabel Gray's, where I intended to spend the night, when the thunder storm came up. I don't know why I did it, but I resolved to return home, and I started out despite the protests of both Mabel and her mother. I met Staythorne on the bridge. He seized me in his vile grasp, and 1 called for help. Then you came aud snatchcd me from his hands, at the same tune hurling him off the bridge. I caught one glimpse of your face as it was revealed by the lightning, and then I fainted. When 1 recovered consciousness it was raining and I was alone on the bridge." He did well, traveling in good style all the way, aud taking his time to make the trip and see the sights. Reaching a town of some size, he would get out some •lodgers, hire a rink for a day or two and do first rate. His attraction was tractable, easily managed, no board to pay, no quarrels, no late hours or dissipation. All was comfortable, quiet and respectable. It partook of the solemn, tearful nature of a public funeral, with the comforting box oflice reportsof "The Clemenceau C;ise." And the captain answered nothing, only counted out clearly and steadily, "One—two—three," up to a hundred; then he paused, turned and lifted his hand; when instantly our four rifles rose, and at the same moment the door, with a faint grating sound I never forget, slowly opened and the firm, unshrinking figure of the judge appeared. We did not delay. One simultaneous burst of fire, one loud quick crack, and his figure fell before our eyes. A sound, a cry from within, then all was still, and the captain, mounting his horse, gave one quick whistle and galloped away. We followed him, but I was the last to mount, and did not follow long, for at the flash of those guns I had seen a smile across our victim's lip, and my heart was on fire, and I could not rest till I had found my way back to that open doorway and the figure lying within it. He Was the Man. He did not look altogether like a murderer as he came into the station house, nor yet altogether like a burglar. "I would be pleased to see the lieutenant," he asked of the house sergeant. "I have an important confession to make." I nevertheless proceeded, and should have done so if the prreat streaks of lighttiing which now and then shot zigzag through the sky had taken the shape of words and bade us all beware. I was not one to be daunted, and knew no other course than that of advance when once a stroke of justice had been planned and the direction for its fulfillment marked out. I went on, but I began to think, and that to me was an experience, for I had never been taught to reflectonly to fight and obey. Alas! My lecture intended tor a solo deliberate quickly merged into a duet— a duet allegretto—stacotto. Sissy—Boo-hoo-o-o-o-hoo-oo! The Deacon—I think I was wrong in calling it a recitation, brethren. I should have said -imitation."—Puck. After coughing deliberately Hooked my audience firmly in the eye and told this lie: "Owing to short notice as regards my subject I have only been enabled to arrange a few main points—pegs—on which to hang the drapery of a few rambling ideas." Johnny's explanation. The sergeant, with visions of slices of a big reward floating, before his mental vision, tried to get the secret out of Mm The old man for a long time refused. Finally, after the sergeant had sent out for several growlers of beer, he consented to unbosom himself. Mother—I heard the queerest noise last night, but couldn't find out what it was. "And Cyril Staythorne?" I asked. "Was fjund the following day floating a corpse on Crooked river." People came from a long distance to see the petrified partner of the doortender, who was bathed in tears. People who had infested funerals for years came and brought their families. Also their dinners. They speak of it yet with pride. Little Johnny—It was me, mamma. 1 fell asleep. As this little overture was not in the MS. I had the pleasure of hearing three times from the wings during its recital the whispered words "materialism is"— which were, I hasten to state, the two first words of my lecture proper. Then he came blithely to me and asked me to throw up my other engagements and go. I hate to have these misunderstandings, and "would rather follow my manager to his grave" than see him act that way. Mother—Wha?  My story ends here. I have already told you that Ediena is my wife. I cannot explain the mystery of my dream. I can only write the question that I have asked myself a thousand times: The house toward which we were riding was built on a hillside, and the first thing we saw on emerging from the forest was a light burning in one of its distant windows. This was a surprise, for the hour was late, and in that part of the country people were accustomed to retire early, even such busy men as the judge. He must have a visitor, and a visitor meant a possible complication of affairs; so a halt was called, and I was singled out to reconnoiter the premises md bring back word of what we had a right to expect. Little Johnny—While I was asleep I fell out o' bed.—Street & Smith's Good News. "You have heard of Tascott, the murderer of the Chicago millionaire Snell?" I will not deny that I soon grew jealous of many of these fawning and flattering suitors, and of Cyril Staythorne in particular.! Most beautiful young ladies are naturally a trifle inclined to be flirts, and Edieaa Wyldmere was no exception. Not but that she loved me as truly and dearly as ever, but never had I made a serious declaration of my passion, and "Yes, yes," cried the sergeant, hardly daring to breathe. A friend of mine, who is a sort of scientist, sort of a self made scientist who uaa kept it very quiet, shrinking as he loes from publicity, the publishers also shrinking from publishing his writings, isked t&e husband if it would be possible for the advancement of science to obtaih at a reasonable-figure a toe or finger of the remains. He had no hope of ioing so, but he was that kind of man. He would do anything in the world for scieobe. So the impresario broke off a inger as you would divide your stick of ;jeppermi» candy with a friend, and when the scientist took out his check book to adjust the claim, and asked rather apprehensively what the price would be, the stricken man said: "Well, if course I don't know what I'd ort for o charge j*e: but do you think six bits Dvould be too much?" Immensely amused and thinking what a good laugh we should enjoy over it later, I hastened to begin. "Materialism is a good sance, but a poor meat!" vD I had flattered myself that my opening sentence was impressive and wished to accentuate it by a thrilling pause, but— I was not allowed that pause. His Judgment Was Warped. She—What do you think of this lace. John? Was it a dream?—William T. Patten in Yankee Blade. Mastodon, South Brooklyn, naks: "Can you not say a word against the dark closets and clothes presses which infest this country? They make me very hot sometimes. Oh! will yon uot throw light on the dark closet? I cannot think of anything more poignant than of a nervous man in a dark closet trying to find the key to the wine cellar in his wife's other dress, when he fears every moment that she will return and discover him." "Well, cost what it will," resumed the old man, "I—I am the man who struck Billy Patterson."—Philadelphia Times. There it was, and behind it a house empty as my heart has been since that day. A man's dress covering a woman's form—and over the motionless, perfect features that same smile which I had seen in the room beyond and again in the quick glare of the rifles. Origin of Long Measure. He—How mnch did it cost'- She—Ten cents a yard. Our measures of length originated in the dawn of civilization, and came to us through the Anglo-Saxons. The yard was originally the length of a king's arm; the foot, the length of bis pedal extremities. The word inch is derived from the Latin nncia, m twelfth part, but why the foot was divided into twelfths, instead of tenths or elevenths, no one clai ms to be wise enough to tell. It has been suggested that probably the inch *as originally the length of the second joint of the forefinger, and that twelve of 'these about equal the length of the forearm, which averages about one foot in length. He—Oh, it is bewilderingly beautiful. How much more exquisite it is than the expensive kinds you used to buy!—Mun•ey's Weekly. The Worm  for a timp she enjoyed the attention bestowed upon her by those who had been smitten by her rare charms of grace and sweetness. I was poor, a carpenteKs eon, and this fact alone in the eyes of her parents disqualified me as a son-in-law. Our Saviour was a carpenter's son, bnt this fact has not caused tbe calling to be deemed more lofty than it was nineteen hnndred years ago. Ediena's parents were on the ontlook for a "good match" for their daughter and they looked with favor upon CyTil Staythorne. They were too wise to come out openly and request Ediena to have ndthinj further to do with the poor carpenter's son, but in diverrWays they did everything the] :ould to separate us and to install Stay horne in iher favor. tespiL From the wings issued quickly the first words of my next sentence: I started off in a strange state of mind. The fear I had spoken of had left aie, but a vague shadow remained, through which, as through a mist, I saw the light in that far away window beckjning me on to what I felt was in some way to make an end of my present life. As I drew nearer to it the feeling in•reused; then it, too, left me, and 1 found myself once more the daring ivengcr. This was when I came to the foot of the hill and discovered I had but i few steps-more to take. I had harbored no evil thought concerning her, but when I beheld that smile now sealed and fixed upon her lips I found the soul I had never known that I possessed until that day.—Anna Eatherine Green in Philadelphia Times. Evidently Mot Twins. "Above the"  Jennie (looking at a picture)—Oh, who is the pretty girl? Kate—That's my sister who was married three years ago. "Above the lights of onr city." ejaculated I hastily, with a withering glance at the wings, "lies the"  Yes, the nnlighted and ill ventilated clothes closet is a most disagreeable feature of our modern civilization, and I feel like rising as one man to protest against it. It is not healthful. It is not convenient. It is not nice. "Darkness" (from the wings)—r "Darkness," repeated I, stamping violently to catch her eye and attempting (miserable man) another pause. It was not to be. A warning voice distinctly enunciated: Jennie (after a careful examination)— Well, you don't look a bit alike, do you? —Washington Star. Cremation at Milan. The Italian clergy, unlike the clergy of France—and for the most part of England—have never made any objection to cremation, and at Milan, where nearly 2,000 bodies have been cremated during the last thirteen years, and where at the present rate of increase cremations will soon reach an average of one a day, the same funeral service is performed, whether the corpse be destined for slow corruption under the earth, or for rapid incineration above ground. Two systems of cremation are followed at Milan.— Westminster Review. A friend of mine the other day was called hurriedly west. His wife packed his grip for him, and hastily throwing his overcoat over his arm he jumped into a close carriage and lit out. As the train sailed out of the depot a friend on board said: Served with Sherman. '1 served with Sherman," the old man cried. Weary Haggles (to his companion)— Wake up, Wayside! I say, ain't they some law ag'in' this ruthless defacing of nat'ral scenery by commercial vandals? The inch used to be divided into three "barleycorns," winch were simply the length of the grain or "corn" of the barley. The "mile" reckoned at 1.000 paces, as its name shows, 'or it is derived from the first word of the Latin phrase millia paiwnum, "a thousand paces." The orvfin of the "rod" is doubtful.—St. Louis Republic. He was like everybody who is careful Df small matters, viz., an ass in heavy Transactions. He conld just as well have charged the scientist $25 as 75 cents. Did you ever see a skinflint who could successfully operate on a big scale? "Yet"  "Yet," added I in piteous despair and perforce in louder accents, "above and beyond that darkness lie the"  "In the hardest tight mortal over saw. The forces arrayed on either side The house, which had now become plainly visible, was a solid one of stone, built, as I have 6aid, on the hillside. It faced the road, as was shown by the large portico dimly to be discerned in that direction, but its rooms were mainly on the 6ide, and it was from one of these that the light shone. As I yet nearer I perceived that these rooms were guarded by a piazza, which, communicating with the portico in front, afforded an open road to that window and a clcar 6igbt of what lay behind it. Acted like they could eat each other raw The fight begun on a Monday inorn And never ceased until daylight's peep On Thursday, 'cept when, completely worn, "Going to Chicago?" "Yes." "Stars," roared I in u rage. Let us hope the gods helped me to preservo the emotions of that moment a dead secret as far as the audience was concerned. "Stars" (from the wings)  On second thought, however, there ia a notable exception comes to my mind The forced 'ud lay off to git some sleep. I shall never forget the feeling of ragi and despair that seized me as one day ! saw Ediena seated in Cyril Staythorne'i handsome carriage, with Staythorne himself by her side. I cannot describC our next Meeting. How much I was tx blame for what followed I now know bnt I then thought I had jost cause foi what I did. Hot words were uttered and for the first time we parted ii anger. The neit day I left the quiet Ne* England town where twenty-one yean of my life had been spent. A passengei train bore me away out into the world I was going anywhere that I might gel away from the hateful spot that I haC: always known as home, where so manj happy days hud been spent with the one from whom I thought fate had separat ed me forever. I sought find obtained employment ir a great citiy, the crowded streets and hurrying rush of which seemed verj strange and unnatural to me. 1 tried tc forget my old home and Ediena, but ] soon found it impossible to do so. Strive as I might to tear her image from mj bosom her fair, sweet face was almosl always before me. Sternly I foughl against the! power that seemed to bC drawing mcs back to her. Many a night did I awaken and sit bolt upright in the darkness of my little room, with hei „ plaintive cry sounding in my ears. "Oh, Jaspjer, come back to meP It always seemed very real, bnt I reasoned myself into thinking that it wat all imagination. I now know that many many times she uttered that very cry. One day an accident happened to me I was passing along beneath the spol where repairs were being made on i building wfcn a falling board strucli me senseless. I was picked up and car ried to a hospital, but when I recovered consciousness I did not know my owr name. My mind did not seem deranged, I could remember events and people, but I could not recall the name of a single person whom I knew. They told nw that 1 had been severely injured and that doubtless as I improved my memorj would serve mo better. For several days I lay there, gradually growing better physically, but in no way improving mentally. Try as I might I could not recall names. I remembered my home, Ediena, Cyril Stay.thorne, everything; but I could not sneak the jarao of a single place or person. although scores of times 1 seemed on the point of doing so. Finally, I had so far recovered that I was informed that on the following day I was to be discharged from the hospital. The last night! of my stay in the hospital arrived, and jat a very early hour I sought my conch and was soon fast asleep. I am not naturally a dreamer, but am a very sound sleeper. It did not seem that I dreamed that night, but suddenly I found myself in a familiar spot. It "Expect to go out a good deal there, 1 presume?" "I served with Sherman—jess on his right I tulc my place on the opening day, An' all through that hot contested fight It is a man in New York who is worth at least a score of millions of dollars, and yet he hangs aroand in the de;Dot sometimes for honrs waiting for Come one to put a nickel in the slot of the little locomotive model, so that he .'an hear it play and "see the wheels go ronnd." Twice he has maddened me by chis course. He -knows my weakness. He knows that I cannot pass a slot machine. even if it be ont of order, without monkeying with it, and so he follows me around at the depot sometimes for hours, hoping I will start one up. now. "Ah! thought you would probably mingle in the giddy whirl a good deal whilst there." "Why?" "Oh, no. Going on business." "The world" (from the wings)  I was at his side day arter day. I slep' by his side, an' eat by his side. Fresno comity, C'aL, now comes to the front and claims ownership of the "largest huge tree." A. party of bear hunters, it is said, locate id it in the Sierras, in the most rugged portion of the mountains, two miles north of Kentucky Meadows. It was surrounded for a mile by almost impenetrable underbrush, so that the hunters were compelled to use both knife and az to get to it. As three brown bears were captured near it no doubt the hunters crept forward with bated breath. What sort of "bait" may be inferred from their report that the tree was 129 feet in circumference four feet from die ground. — Philadelphia Ledger. A Tall '.free Story. "The world is a strange salad"—no pause, no hope, in a breathless race we enunciated another strangely spoken sentence. An' inarched by his side to and from the field. An' my bosom now swells with a fcelin' o' pride O'er the memory that Sherman d never yield. Wanted Some Store Teeth. The other day a waman not over 80, but minus her teeth, called on a prominent dentist, and' asked him if he could not rent her a set of teeth to wear to a party that evening. She told the dentist that she supposed that false teeth were kept in stock and that people fitted themselves.—Water bury American. "Ho said right thar on that spot he'd stay, An' live on nothin', and banish sleep Till the hair on liis head turned a frosty gray. But w et to his principles he would keep. What 'catt'.e! No battle at all! Oh, no! I served with him on a jury—see? On a bagst&t'ja' case bacic in O-hi-o, In eighteen hundred and fifty-three." —Texas Sittings. "Well, I see yon have your dress suit on your arm." "The sleeping child in each nature— once awakened—may never be lulled to sleep again," we rattled &t breakneck speed. Sure enough, he had thought he had his satin lined overcoat over his arm. and was on his way to Chicago with a dress suit instead. It was a case of dark closet. I dislike this institution, and hope the day is not far distant when air and light will be admitted to the clothes closets of this country, so that poor, weak man will not find himself in church at evening service wearing his wife's crocheted petticoat around his neck, because it is annoying to those who are sensitive to ridicule. I was instantly off my horse and upon the piazza, and before I had time to realize that my fears had returned to me with double force I had crep* stealthily toward that uncurtained window and looked in. This whole sentence cast, as it were, its shadow before in a weirdly shrill whisper from the wings. Drenched in perspiration, glaring wildly even as a madman, I stood. Placidly, serenely she sat upon her stool, dimly discernible to my distracted vision. A boy in the front seat tittered hysterically. An epidemic of tittering followed. What did I see? At first nothing but a calm, studious figure bending above a batch of closely written papers, upon which tho light 6hone too brightly for me to perceive much of what lay behind them. But gradually an influence, of whose workings I was scarce conscious, drew my eyes away, and I began to discover on every side strange and beautiful objects which greatly interested me, until suddenly my eyes fell upon a vision of loveliness so enchanting that I forgot to look elsewhere and became for the moment nothing but 6ight and feeling. Expecting Too Haeb. Mistress — Sakes alive! You have cooked that turkey that I got for Thanksgiving instead of the roast the butcher sent. Comical The most comical mishap that ever befell a fire engi:i • occurred recently at Toledo. Tho noise of an approaching fl.-e apparatus startled a 65-year-old countryman and his wife as they were malting their way "long the 6idewaik. TCD grab his wife's :.wn umbrella and n 'i into the iniiJDi!c of the street dirD -.!y in C he path of 1 lie oncoming steed.* v. .1-. tho work of a moment for the excftui farmer. His gyrations and shouting brought the horses to a sudden stop. The fire laddies drove oiT swearing, but the crowd clicered the old fellow ai ho returned to the sidewalk muttering: 'Tarnation fools, let 'em run away if they want to. I'll never risk my life to save their necks again."—Chicago Times. Wayside Innis— Excuse us, mister; but could you oblige a couple of gents with the price of two good suits of clothes?—Puck. WUJ, TUEX. Servant—Sure, Oi didn't know it was th' mate ye wanted fur today. And so on unto the very end. No rest, no hope. Ever urged at a gallop by the admonishing voice. My lecture resolved itself into a race, in which I finally resorted to bellowing in order to cheat myself into the belief that my audience was stone deaf to any other tones than my own. A Fraud. Eltingville, Staten Island, asks who was the author of the popular poem entitled "My Dad's Undershirt." Mistress—You might have known that I wanted the turkey saved for Thanksgiving without my telling you. Our Simple language. Brokeley (to dwarf in dime museum") —How much do they pay you, Gen. Hopthumb? A Frenchman who was studying English, and who had not passed the preliminary stages, conceived the idea of writing a letter to his absent wife in that language. Having mastered the date line he struck his first snag in a confusion of adjectives when he addressed his better half as "My expensive wife."—Binshiimton Leader. Servant—Moight Oi. indade? Did yes expict ter git a moind rader for free dollars a wake?—New York Weekly. The pcem was written by Willis B. Hawkins, then on The Chicago News. The Chicago News has so many beautiful and brainy things from 'Gene Field's pen that everything funny and bright that is unsigned is apt to be credited to Mr. Field; but this poem was written by Hawkins. It was, in brief, a funny description of how the flannel lingerie of the old gentleman gradually to meet the demands of the elder son, then the second, and so on till the baby closed the deal. Gen. Hopthumb—Hundred dollars a week. Brokeley—Then I'll bet that you're not as short aa I am. And yet they advertise you as a dwarf.—Yenowine's News. It was a picture, or so I thought in the first instant of awe and delight. But prescn J.y I saw that it was a woman, living and full of the thoughts that had never been mine, and at the discovery a sudden trembling seized me, for I had never seen anything in heaven or earth like her beauty, while she saw nothing but the man who was bending over his papers. I recall with a tear my closing sentence, intended to be uttered in a reflective whisper. In a last despairing effort I struggled to give it that effect. The result was this: Badly Off. Blinkers—That stranger says that once, when in a foreign country, the natives were about to attack him when be unfurled the American flag, stated that be was under its protection, and they slunk away in terror. I wonder what be is. Too Imaginative. "And so—we do not understand. We cry aloud"  Willing to Commute It. Tlie Divisions of Congress. "We'll give you just twenty-four hours to leave town," said the chairman of the vigilance committee. (Voice—Let there be light) At a recent examination in a girls' school the question was put to a class of little ones: "Who makes the laws of out government?" "Congress." was thereply. "How is congress divided?" was the next question A little girl raised her hand. " Well. MLs Sullie," sa d the examiner, " what do you say tho answer is?" Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the answer came, " Civilized, half civilized and savage. U. 8. Exchange. I let her say it It was all over. If I had repeated it the audience would have heard nothing. The din was terrible— led by the boy in the front row. If I ever meet that boy—. As I walked home tnsough the rain after depositing her in our carriage I reflected. It seemed to me that there would be a strange and weird coziness about a coffin—a coffiv for one. I CANNOT PASS A BLOT MACHINE. There was a door or something dark behind her, and against it her tall, strong figure, clad in a close white gown, stood out with a distinctness that was not altogether earthly. But it was her face that held me and made of me from moment to moment a new man. "Do you believe time is money?' asked the undesired visitor. "Yes, certainly," Winkers—A miserable liar.—Street & Smith's Good News. Artemus Ward used to tell about two New England brothers who met after a separation of ten years and saluted each other as follows: It was credited to Mr. Field, and a bin flannel manufacturer, who had the honor or snnnmng nis gooas oerore tney lert the factory, sent him a bolt of bright red flannel, not for its intrinsic value, but as a recognition of genuine genius and worth. "Then how much cash will you give me to leave at oncc?"—ilunsey's Weekly. Hlcka at Conrt. "Hullo, Henry! By George, how be ye?" Tho Difference. "What did you say when you were presented to the queen?" At a City Restaurant—"Waiter, this wine is execrable; get me another battle.""Oh. tolable fer an old man. How be yon?" For in it I discerned what I had never believed in till now, devotion that had no limit and love which asked nothing in return. She seemed to be faltering on the tlireshold of that room, like one who would like to enter Dut doea not dare, and in another moment, with a smile that pierced mo through, she turned as if to go. Instantly I forgot everything but my despair, and leaned forward with an impetuosity that betrayed my presence. Sho glanced quickly toward the window, and seeing me turned pale, even while she rose in height till I felt myself shrink and grow small before her. "Oh, I put on a big bluff. I don't knuckle down to royalty. I buzzed her for a minute and then asked her what her name was. Said I hadn't caught it."—New York Sun. "Wall, fair to middlin'. What's the Whenever 'Gene desired to make Hawkins hot he would pull up his sleeve and show him the nice warm wristband of his unshrinkable flannels. But then nothing makes much difference now. I sail next week.—Detroit Free Preiw. "Certainly, m'sieu." news?" Ex-Passenger—Gaul dera yer! Can't yon wait till I get off? Conductor—Bo gobbs, if yez ain't off now yez'll never be off.—Puck. "Why, this wine is exactly the came as the other." "Oh. oawthin' speshal. 'Member that old hoss 1 used to hev?" A Financial Genlns. "Have you broken off your engagement, old man? What's the matter?" . Not • Kicker. Aunty Scorbutic, Plainfield, N. J., asks: "What do think was the cause of the great political change last election? Was it because people did not understand the McKinley bill?" "How's business today?" asked a p:isser by of a poor fellow who had lost lDoth legs—either at Gettysburg or in a sawmill—and was being trundled along the street by a companion, together with a dyspeptic monkey and an asthmatic orguinette."Beg pardon, m'sicu, it has a blue seal, and besides, it's a franc dearer."— La Famille. "Sho! Yis, yis, of couss. What of him? la he dead?' "No. I sold him!" "Thundah!" What Aboat Making Them at All? "Nature," says Scappleton, "never makes a mistake." The Wrote Man. "Well, I was hard up, you nee, so I quarreled and had all my presents returned, and was able to realize on them. Couldn't possibly have raised the money tny other way."—Harper's Bazar. Great Merchant (to his favorite drummer—Look here, Mr. Grippe, old man Bilter, hitherto one of our best customera, is getting away from us. Bilter has % daughter. Now couldn't you sort of edge up to the young lady—you are a handsome fellow. Grippe. You know what I mean—just to get back the old man. With Our Army in Montana. w "Oh, I don't know about that; look at the dude." 'Yis. Got $150 faw him." No, I think not. I am a Republican with tariff reform tendencies, and I am •quite sure it was not because the people failed to understand the bill. That is charging the American nation with a degree of ignorance which 65,000,000 people could hardly possess, it seems to me. "Well, well, well! Must hev picked up a suckali. didn't ye? Who did ye sell him tew?" "Yes; but she didn't waste any brains on him."—Washington Post. "Well," said the legless musician, as he paused in the middle of a popular melody,"I can't kick."—-Munsey's Weekly.Host Be Insane. "Your friend is a kleptomaniac." "How so?" And They Fell with D 1 T da "Guess." anyth nail, Jiui? Hawkins—Yea; me old jathin' suit. \ McCracken—I tell re: ?;ist knows what we felli i pair of piller flmius frr Fudge. \ KatMrlft. Miss YcilowleafAaII Bet while out warning; itniled at me. \ Miss Caustique—Law* —Drake's Me .azine. \ Mr. Newdollar—Heavens! what is that noise in the hall? "My patience! I never could guess in rawly years. Who d'je sell him tew, Henry?" i nrubcing out ncr nana soe caugnt from the table before her what looked lilce a small dagger, and holding it up, advanced upon me with blazing eyes and parted lips, not seeing that the judge had risen to his feet, not seeing anything but my face glued against the pane, and staring with an expression that must have struck to the heart as surely as her look pierced mine. When she was almost upon me I turned and fled. Hell could not have frightened me, but heaven did; and for me that woman was heaven whether she smiled or frowned, gazed upon another with love or raised a dagger to strike me to the ground. "He steals my jokes, and publishes them as his own." Ills Career Settled. When I lived in Wyoming I ran for the legislature. I was defeated. On counting the votes, it occurred to me that the people of Wyoming had a political or personal repugnance for me and did not desire to have me legislate for them. Grippe—No, sir! When Josiah Grippe so far forgets himself as to forfeit in the slightest degree the sacred principles of truth and justice, of honor and manhood, may his blood run molten lead and his tongue cleave to the roof of his mouth. Sooner than cast the slightest shadow over the lily white effulgence of one of the fairest of God's loveliest creatures I would die ten thousand deaths. I say no; a thousand times no. You have mistaken your man. Besides she fired me out of the house last night—Clothier and Furnisher. The difficult and dangerous operation was over. The eminent surgeon turned to the father and said: Mrs. Newdollar—Nothing, my dear; only the new English butler dropping his h's.—Life. "Well, sir, I sold him to mothah." "Your jokes? Then poor Charlie must be suffering from insanity and not kleptomania.—Yankee Blade. As Americans we allow few other nations to outdo us in thrift, but I admit that lately several of them have the laugh on us. In Berlin a while ago, when tLe procession turned out to do honor to Von Moltke, the thrifty Germans turned their coats inside out because it sprinkled during the march, and now along comes an English syndicate with royal permission to inclose and sell hot pop corn or start a razzle dazzle on the site of the crucifixion. "Your boy has lost nearly all of his brain, but he will live." Bow to Got Loct. Bappiljr So. "That fixes his future career," 6aid the father with a heavy sigh. "1 shall have to bring him up as a society man."—Chicago Times. Briggs—I wish I could get rid of that confounded cat of mine. I've tried every way, but she always turns up. "You are not in the race with me," said the Gold Coin to the Heart. It was not because they misunderstood the bill. Liu' in th1 last Griggs—Send her to the laundry with your collars and cuffs.—Clothier and Furnisher. A charming little brochure is just out containing gems of oratory from Ingersoll, Blaine, Daniel Dougherty and Chauncey M. Depew. They are the mature thoughts of these great men, and are entirely new, never having been published before or even publicly delivered. The book contains about 800 pages, well printed and carefully and neatly bound. It is compiled by an old stenographer who was for ten years an after dinner cabman, and thus was enabled to hear and take down some of the oratorical gems which these eminent gentlemen afterward wished that they had expressed at the dinner. The author asks me to kindly withhold his name. "You don't know what you are talking about. You may be able to buy a temporary advantage," retorted the Heart, "but in the long run I'm sure to beat"—New York Sun. uncle sent me a Great Sport. "Were you in the White mountains last summer?" "Yes. Had a good time." "I» there any game in the mountains them people is needs. I got Cm me mother.— was night, and a thunderstorm was rapidly coming on. The black heavens were •earned with jj fire, and deep thunder roared like an enraged monster. I was standing on the old bridge which spanned a winding; stream not far from my boyhood home. Suddenly a flash of lightning showed me Eiliena hurrying along the bridge. Startled and amazed that sho should be Were at such a time, I was about to mate my presence knpwn, when another flash showed a second person on tfeo bridge. Plainly I saw Us dark, "r» » . I \ Very Likely. "Did yon ring fo7 the elevator boy?" "Yes." "Where is he now?" Libby prison is removed now to Chicago and is exactly reproduced. It is also one of the best war museums in the country. Among other things there I noticed recently a picture of (Jen. B. Harrison, taken in war times, as Riley would say, when the army broke out It is a photograph in oniform and is quite plain. If it had been used during the campaign of 1880 I think the results would have been different How soon I mat my mates I cannot say. In a few minutes, doubtless, for they liad stolen after me and had detected mo running away from the window. I was forced to tell my tale, and I told *it unhesitatingly, for I knew I could not save liim—if I wanted to—and I knew I should save her or die in the attempt. A Total Fallare. Totling—Hello, Dimling! Where have you been? now?" "I guess he's making up his mind what he'll do about it."—Washington Post Not to Be Expected. "Oh, yes; we played tennis and bean btgs »U the time."—Harper's Bazar. ;be gentlemen I this afternoon Lawyer—You say that the poison which the prisoner placed before his victim was concealed in a white liquid, and yet you Are not prepared to swear that it was milk. Don't you know milk when you see it? Dimling—Nutting. "Get anything?" "No; nutting."—Puck. Banter. Her gtrong Endurance. "Your friend seems to be a woman of strong endurance." hed. you mean. Chicago Hotel Clerk (after Mr. Blosjom, of St. Louis, has registered)—Don't blow out the gas, Mr. Blossom. Bats. Witness—No, sir. Will—Pooh! Rats never trouble anybody unless they are hungry. "She is, indeedl Vqu. fcnow tliat good for nothing husband of hers? "Yes," ".\Veil, she's loved him all his life."— Chicago Times. In tiu Green Boom. Hamtet—! say, old chap.-Hmd me $5. a t touch, a palpabW fcHch. Here'tis; came agRiiy*' Blossom—Gas! Haven't you got electricity in this slow town yet!—New York Sun. Lawyer (sarcastically)—Who are you, anynfey? "He is alone there with a girl," I announced. "Whether she is his wife or Bill—Then I am thankful there are no rats about when I am hungry.—Ynnkee Blade. The uniform w*sjio doubt made has- Witness—I aim a milkman.—Life.