Pittston Gazette

              PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1890. f Oldest in the Wyoming Valley. A Weedy Local and Family Journal. * c 3 down the opening, i could see a lighted candle and two or tliree dark figures at the safe, and I could hear the combination being worked. My first thought was to drop my hand down and open fire in their direction, but I remembered that we had so many articles hanging up that no bullet had a chance of* hitting the men. , I was wondering what to do, when I heard one of the men whisper: Tnat depends ot course on what Ali most commonly eats. Patti de foi gras requires three hours and forty-five minutes. Roast canvasback duck, stuffed with olives and followed by a short, crisp speech on the tariff, requires over four hours for digestion. Roast beef requires three hours; soft boiled eggs three hours. Also hard boiled or fried on both sides, or "blind in both eyes," as Mr. McAllister so naively puts it in his great work on society as he found it, suffering from exposure. ONLY TEN YEARS. BILL NYE TAPS HIS BRAIN WAY WORN rraauea is in xjengai, and nas notmng whatever to do with a doctor serving in the Punjab. It must be more than twelve hundred miles from Meridki. HE APOLOGIZED. Our Public School System. Pnpil—Please, ma'am, may I get a drink? A Doable Hit. Only ten years of joys and tears— It seems not very long- Only ten years of hopes and fear* That to my memory throng; Anil us you are standing again at my side. So fair and so young, my bonny bride. Now breaks from my heart this song- I sometimes think that it would be best If the hands that labor were folded o'er The silent,brrast in the last sweet rest. When 1 think of the friends who have gone before;An Episode In the European Tour ot as There was a great big duffer of a fnti low walking around on the platform of the depot at Paterson, evidently n/'hfng for a row of some sort, when somebody called out after a Mr. Goodhue. Ths owner of the name proved to be a sized man with a big umbrella nrnW hi« arm, and here was an opening for the duffer. He walked up and ihVqtI ■ "Is your name Goodenough?' "No, gir; my name is Goodhue." , "Good—good—what? Please repeat?1* "Goodhue, sir." HE ANSWERS SOME CURIOUS QUESTIONS FROM ANXIOUS INQUIRERS. American Gentleman. Teacher (amazed)—What? A drink! It isn't an hour since you had a drink. Pnpil—Please, ma'am, we had mackerel for breakfast. Dumoise went through Simla without halting, and returned to Meridki, there to take over charge from the man who had been officiating for him during his tour. There were some dispensary accounts to be explained, and some recent orders of the surgeon general to be noted, and, altogether, tho taking over was a full day's work. In the evening Dumoise told his locum tenons, who was an old friend of his bachelor days, what had happened at Bagi; and the man said that Ram Dass might as well have chosen Tuticorin while he was about it. Col. James Pepper, of Pepper whisky fame, who has been on a wedding tour in Europe, has sailed with his wife on the Servia for New York, followed by the blessings of many American visitors to London wh*b have stopped at the Hotel Metropole. The employes of this establishment have never been noted for courtesy to American guests, and this has been the case during the present season particularly, as the great influx of transatlantic travelers has made the hotels feel independent. It was reserved for Col. Pepper, however, to introduce discipline. Editorial Rights to Deadhead Tickets. Who have crossed o'er the river's rolling tide, And reached the home on the other side. Only ten years of joys and tears. Of merry and cloudy weather. Have blended our Urea together, my lore, Have welded our hearts together. Fast Railroad Time and tho Assassina- It swim so far to the wished for day, Teacher (severely)—Tell yn-ir parents that hereafter they are not to have mackerel except on Saturdays.—Street & Smith's Good News. tion of Hens—Some Pointers on Dress And weary and lonely and lost I roam; I feel like a child who has lost his way "It's all d d nonsense. We might work here a week and not hit it." Suits and an Autograph Album Verse. And is always longing for home, sweet home! l?ut I say to my yearning heart, "Be still; We'll go home when it is God's wilL" Bo we ll dream bnce again of the happy days when •'But I told you to bring the tools and you wouldn't," protested another. [Copyright, 1880, by Edgar W. Nye.] The following letters of inquiry are awaiting answers, and I hasten to square myself with tho correspondents by replying, through tho customary channel in order that the general public may thus share in the benefits of a well stored mind and the patient research of a lifetime:Fromage de brio requires three hours and thirty minutes, baled hay ono hour and twenty minutes, custard pie three hours; potato top greens with pig's jowl, a la Delmonico, requires two hours and eighty minutes; milk two hours and fifteen minutes, homemade bread made during the honeymoon tlireo weeks, angel food made fjom celestial recipe twenty-four hours, chicken sauterne two hours, chicken passe three hours, chicken alum-ode two and three-fourth hours. n« Was No Cannibal. We timidly stood in the morning With hearts full of love, with the blue sides above. "Oh, dry up!" put in a third voice. "What we want to do is to go up and bring that counter hopper down, and make him open the box." The uiglit is long, but the day will break When the light of eternity streaming down On the cross we bear for the Master's sake Will guide our steps to tho promised crown. A little while and the gate is passed— Home and heaven and rest at last. "Spell it with a J?" And roses our garden adorning. And now you are standing again at my side, So fair and so young, my bonny bride. With roses our pathway adorning. "No, sir." "Maybe you don't spell it at all?" "I don't unless J want to." 'Til give the cussed thing a few more trials," said the first man, and I heard him working away again. My eyes could not have told me the number of robbers, but my ears had. There were three of them, and they were no doubt desperate and determined men. They spoke of bringing me down to open the safe, as if no resistance was anticipated or taken into account. Indeed, they might well reason that they had me at their mercy. The rain was now falling, the night was very dark, and a pistol shot in the store could not have been heard in either of the dwellings. At that moment a telegraph peon came in with a telegram from Simla ordering Dumoise not to take over charge at Meridki, but to go at once to Nuddea on special duty. There was a nasty outbreak of cholera at Nuddea, and the Bengal government being shorthanded as usual, had borrowed a surgeon from the Punjab. —F. L. Stanton. The colonel and his wifo came home from the theatre one night, and Mrs. Pepper at once got into an elevator, while her husband stepped up to the desk for his key. The night clerk, a particularly haughty and pompous person, was talking to an Englishman close to a keyboard, but though Col. Pepper asked him three or four times for the key, tho clerk paid not the slightest attention until he had finished his conversation. Pepper took this calmly enough, but when he got into the elevator the Englishman who had been talking to the clerk said: "I beg your pardon, sir, but I think you really ought to know why that olerk was so inattentive. He said to me, when you first asked for your key, 'Hb'si only an American; let him wait.'" "Oh, you don't? Let us see? Whatii it? I never was much at rememberin' names. Your name is Goodenoueh, is it?' 5 Only ten years of joys and tears, And the tears into pearls are turning; Only ten years of hopes and fears. And now a sweet incense is burning On the altar of Love, whose diadem f Now shimmers and glistens with many a gem Of sanctified sorrow and yearning. Reuben P. Coon, of Waushara, Wis., writes as follows: "Will you tell me whether I ought to attack the theatre BY WORD OF MOUTH. "Goodhue, sir." [The author of this story, Rudyard Kipling, is a young Englishman who has lived most of his life lu British India. Ilis stories of that country, written during ]Dorsonal contact with its people and the British trmy, have recently attracted a great deal of attention both in England and America.]  "Please write it down; I may forget Lalla Rookh, East Friendship, Rhode Island, asks: "1. When is the proper time to put on a full dress suit, and what should my wife wear when I am dressed in a full dress suit? 2. What will a full dress suit cost? 3. Should one wear full dress on communion Sunday unless in good standing in the church? 4. You must mix up a good deal with the best society in New York; is there as much drinking there as wo read about? 5. Is there any way of removing a birthmark or superfluous hair? C. Who wrote Beautiful Snow?* 7. Whero can I get Ella Wheeler Wilcox's Poems of Passion? 8. What is good for sleeplessness? 9. What would be a good verse for an autograph album?" it." Only ten years of joys and tears, Of merry and cloudy weather, Have blended our lives together, my love. Have welded our hearts together. Only ten years of hopes and fears! Their passing was fleet, But their living was sweet — In merry and cloudy weather, my love. As we've journeyed along together. —Boston Globe. "Oh, no you won't," replied the littlg man; and his words were followed with an upper cut which took the big man fairly under the chin and almost him off his feet. He staggered back,' scrambled to his feet and spit oat tk mouthful of blood, and as the little was swinging for his jaw he osti "Don't! hold on! Your name is Goodhue Goodhue—Goodhue, and yon "pJlj it with the biggest kind of a 'Gl' Somebody go for a doctor to sew up my tongue!"—New York Sun. Dumoise threw the telegram across the table and said, "Well?" The other doctor said nothing. It was all that he could say. This tale may be explained by those who know how souls are made, and where the bounds of the possible are put down. . I have lived long enough in this country to know that it is best to know nothing, and can only write the story as it happened. Then he remembered that Dumoise had passed through Simla on his way from Bagi, and thus might, possibly, have heard first news of the impending transfer. If they had reflected that I might be armed they would have offset it with the fact that I was a boy of 18, with a girl's face and probably a girl's nerve. I don't deny that I was a bit rattled, and that my lip would quiver in spite of me, but I was at the same time fully determined to protect the store if it cost me my life. How to get at the fellows was what bothered me, but that trouble was soon solved. TEE CLERK'S STORY. Uncle Heystak—Wall, this is a smart looking place, and Tin pesky hungry, but 111 be darned if 111 tackle that Trind of a meal.—Life. Dumoise was our civil 6urgeon at Meridki, and we called him "Dormouse," because he was a round little, sleepy little man. He was a good doctor, and never quarreled with any one, not even with our deputy commissioner, who had the manners of a bargee and the tact of a horse. He married a girl as round and as sleepy looking as himself. She was a Miss Hillardyce, daughter of "Squash" Hillardyce of tho Berars, who married his chief s daughter by mistake. He tried to put the question, and he implied suspicion into words, but Dumoise stopped him with: "If I had desired that I should never have come back from Chini. I was shooting there. I wish to live, for I have things to do— but I shall not be sorry." In the fall of 1866 I was employed as a clerk in a general store at a cross roads in southern Indiana. The store, a church and a blacksmith shop, with two residences, made up the buildings, and the families of the merchant and the blacksmith were the only residents. The country about was thickly settled, however, and trade was always good. Before the merchant engaged me he announced that I would have to sleep in the store o' nights, and that unless I had pluck enough to defend the place against marauders he did not want me at any price. He showed me a shotgun, a revolver and a spring gun, which were used, or on hand to be used, to defend the place, aad the windows were protected with stont blinds and the doors by double locks. The close of the war had drifted a bod population into Indiana. The highways were full of tramps, and there were hundreds of men who had determined to make a living by some other means than labor. Several attempts had been made to rob the store, and it had crane to that pass that no clerk wanted to deep there alone. The Colonel's Kentucky blood suddenly rose to the boiling point. He sprang from the elevator and whipped a huge pistol from his pocket. The Look and Short. A Thoughtful Parent. Petted Daughter — Papa, what come over you? I never had a wish you were not anxions to gratify, and you even anticipated my wants, and me money for all sorts of things I hadn't even thought of. But now I have to nnlr you for every cent I need, and you growl and grumble, and ask if I think you ami made of money, and you rail at women's extravagance and invariably ask ma what on earth I did with the last check or dollar or dime you gave me. Don't you love me any more? Papa—My darling, I love you as much as ever, but you are soon to be married,! and I am trying to gradually prepare you' for the change.—New York Weekly. "Yas, ourn wuz er sorter cu'is fam'ly," said an old negro. "It wuz er fam'ly dat didn't match, somehow." 1. The proper time to put on a dress suit is dinner time, according to the best usages, though if we have a picked up dinner, and in the middle of the day, I often omit the full dress and come down in the same suit which I have worn in tho forenoon while breaking steers or doing other light household work. Dinner dress contemplates, however, that the dinner shall not be earlier than 6 o'clock. People who eat dinner promptly when the noon whistle blows rarely wear full evening dress at dinner, for they would have to again shuck themselves before they could resume their plowing. Nothing is in worse taste than the custom of plowing or husking corn in ftill dress. If you have just purchased a new dress suit, you will probably wear it a little earlier in the day than you will after you have had it some time. Do not be too eager, however, to wear it, for it is very poor tasto indeed to wear full dress at dejunay or at mass. • The other man bowed his head and helped in the twilight to pack up Dumoise's just opened trunks. Ram Dass entered with the lamps. "Come out from behind that desk," he shouted to the clerk. "Come quick; fome a-runnin'." "All of them different, eh?" "There," whispered the man at the combination as he let go of it, "I won't fool here another minute. That kid knows the combination, and we can make him work it. Come on." "Yas, sah, all mighty diffunt. Dar wuz brudder Jake. He wuz de talles' man yer eber seed. Dat man! W'y, sah, he wuz so tall dat he neber eat at de table." SHE RAISED THE HATCHET. "Where is the Sahib going?' he asked. The clerk came, and he came running likewise, perspiring with terror. Hit face was ashen, and though he was trying to speak, his lips moved like the jaws of an «xpiring trout, and no sound came from them. Fifty people in the great corridors rushed up to see what was tho matter. manager referred to personally or through the papers? Six weeks ago a theatre manager told me that if I would notice his theatre each week I would be entitled to two tickets at his house. I publish a small but pure and sprightly weekly paper here called The Waushara Tidings. I spoke of the theatre pleasantly, but for six weeks could not get away to Chicago to see the play, as my boots was not yet completed. A honeymoon in India is seldom more than a week long: but there is nothing to hinder a couple from extending it over two or three years. This is a delightful country for married folk who are wrapped up in one another. They can live absolutely alone and without interruption, just as the Dormice did. These two little people retired from the world after their marriage, and were very happy. They were forced, of course, to give occasional dinners, but they made no friends hereby, and the Station went its own way and forgot them, only saying occasionally that Dormouse was the best of good fellows, thougli dull. A civil surgeon who never quarrels is a rarity, appreciated as such. "To Nuddea," said Dumoise softly. Ram Dass clawed Dnmoise's knees and boots and begged him not to go. Ram Dass wept and howled till he was turned out of the room. Then he wrapped up all his belongings, and came back to ask for a character. He was not going to Nuddea to*see his Sahib die, and perhaps to die himself. They were coming up stairs. The best place for me would be at the head of the stairway. The stairs had a half turn in them, and I would fire upon the first man who came within range. I heard the men coming back to the stairway and my nerve gave way. It wasn't from cowardice, but the knowledge that I was to kill a human being upset me. I decided to rotreat to my room, and if they persisted in coming that far I would shoot. The trio had rubbers on their feet, bnt they came up stairs without trying very hard to prev. ni making a noise. "Didn't?" "No, sah. He alius had ter eat offen der shelf. Den dar wuz Ned." "Was he tall?" "No, sah, he wuz de shortes' man yer eber seed. He wuz so short dat de slack ob his bri'ches dragged de groun'. Yas, sah, so short dat he couldn't eatatde table." "Get down on your knees," cried Pepper in an awful voice, relapsing into the Kentucky vernacular. "Get down on your knees, or I'll shoot your years off." The terrified clerk hesitated but a fraction of a second, and came *lown to bis knees on the marble floor. So Dumoise gave the man his wages and went down to Nuddea alone, the other doctor bidding him good-by as one under sentence of death. "Night before last I went in and took twelve people, as I regarded myself as entitled to two tickets per week for the six weeks. Judge of my surprise when I was met gruffly at the box office by a man who sneeringly gave me two tickets only and told me to move on. My friends thus had to pay $18 for tickets, besides car fare, as I had came away ill prepared to meet such an exigency, feeling certain that I would be treated right when I got there. Now, should I attack him personally, or give him a cutting editorial in The Tidings? Tell me as Boon as you can, as I ought to attend to it right away, before the matter blows over." "Yas, sah. He wuz so short dat he had ter do all his eatin' down in de cellar,"—Arkansaw Traveler. "Too high for him, eh?" What the Wild West X* Coming To. Ilg First Tourist from the East (to second +to)—Now, Mellick, there comes one ot Eleven days later he had joined his Memsahib, and the Bengal government had to borrow a fresh doctor to cope with that epidemic at Nuddea. The first importation lay dead in Chooadanga Dak-Bungalow.—Rudyard Kipling. "Now," cried the Kentuckian, "you apologize to every American that eve* staid here for your damned impudence to the people that keep your hotel going. Repeat after me what I say: 'I apologize to all the Americans in London.' Say it quick." The one who came first hau the candle, and as he got to the head of tho stairs I saw a knife in his other hand. They made no delay in approaching my room, and with a great effort I braced myself for what I saw must happen. They could not see me until within three or four feet of the door, and their first intimation that I was out of bed was when they heard mo call out: Forgetting Bar Training. The milkman's daughter had returnoa home from school in thtf middle of the afternoon and told her story. "What had yon been doing?" he asked ''Nothing b-bnt wh-whispering a lit tie," she sobbed. Few people can afford to play Robinsea Crusoe anywhere—least of all in India, wfiere we are few in the land, and very much dependent on each other's kind offices. Dumoise was wrong in shutting himself from the world for a year, and he discovered his mistake when an epidemic of typhoid broke out in the station in the heart of the cold weather, and his wife went down. He was a shy little man, and five days were wasted before he realized that Mrs. Dumoise was burning with something worse than simple fever, and three days more passed before he ventured to call on Mrs. Shute, the engineer's wife, and timidly speak about his trouble. Nearly every household in India knows that doctors are very helpless in typhoid. Tho battle must be fought out between death and tho nurses, minute by minute and degree by degree. Mrs. Shnte almost boxed Dumoise's ears for what she called his "criminal delay," and went off at once to look after tho Door girl. We had seven cases of typhoid in the station that winter, and as the average of death ia about one in every five cases, we felt certain that we should have to lose somebody. The merchant seemed satisfied with answers I gave him, and on a certain Monday morning I went to work. The same night a store about four miles away was broken into and robbed and the clerk seriously wounded. Two nights later three horses were stolen in our neighborhood. At the end of a week a farmer who was on his way home from our store was robbed on the highway. Your wifo should also wear full dress when you do unless she should prefer to remain out of sight. The wife's full dress may consist of laco overdress with waist .and skirt, or skirt anyhow. Some wear a corsage in place of the waist, and filled in with illusion, though it is more common to scorn all efforts at illusion and be perfectly frank, open and above board. At first your wifo will hesitate about appearing in full dress, but by resorting to stimulants she will overcome this natural reserve and converse with great freedom. Irrepressible Statisticians. "I apologize to all the Americans in London," stammered the clerk. Prance still remains the country most prolific in energetic and irrepressible statisticians. One of tho tribe hug lately been busily engaged in getting up facts and figures about persons smitten with the mania for collecting all sorts of objects. There are, he informs us, 12,000 collectors of botanical specimens and 20,000 antiquaries. The labors of these people, however, are he thinks lofty and noble compared to those of the beings who stick pins in beetles and love to exhibit the impaled insects in glass or of the silly collectors of 'bus and train tickets. "For all my previous incivility," continued the colonel sternly. "For all my previous incivility," faltered the victim. "And he flogged you for that?' exclaimed the indignant father. 'Til hreak every bone in his body! The brutal scoundrel! Stand over that mill? can, Louise, consarn you, if you're going to weep any more."—Chicago Tribune."Stop, or IH shoot!" I had them covered with the weapon, and for fifteen seconds there was a dead silence. Then they got a plan. The man with the candle dashed it on the floor, and I suppose they meant to rush in on me in the dark, bnt I checkmated it by opening fire. They then either meant to retreat down stairs or toward the rear of the floor, for I saw the three together moving off, and fired at their dim figures. Three seconds later there was a great shout of horror, followed by the tremendous report of the double barreled spring gun, and then there was absolute silence. "And I hereby solemnly promise to treat all Americana with respect and consideration hereafter. Quick, say it" The menial obeyed, and Pepper then allowed him to rise and retire behind his desk, the humblest and most crestfallen clerk in any hotel anywhere. Then the colonel showed his pistol to the assembled multitude. "It is one I picked up in a curiosity shop in Paris for a friend who has a collection of ancient firearms," he said, "and it has not been loaded for a hundred yews, and the lock is rusted out" You should write him a scathing letter, print a highly abusive editorial at the same time, and then attack him with brass knucks on the following evening. It has been held by the supreme courts of Massachusetts and Nebraska that a weekly or a daily notice of a theatre or railroad is cumulative, and entitles the noticer to the aggregated increment of cumulative notices. For example, if a paragraph soothing to a railroad be good for a pass, a repetition of the soothing paragraph would entitle the noticer to still another pass and so on. Therefore if you had chosen to remain at home all the year, and mention the theatre regularly and in a friendly way daily, yon would be entitled at the end of the year to what might be called a Waushara day at the theatre, with souvenirs. You could also have the house perfumed with crab apple blossom, and soft voiced ushers would come and bathe your heated temples. If I had not been a light sleeper from habit these occurrences would have tended to prevent too lengthy dreams as I lay in my little bedroom at the front of the second story. The revolver was always placed under my pillow, and the shotgun stood within reach. The spring gun was set about midway of the lower floor. It was a double barreled shotgun, each barrel containing a big charge of buckshot, and the man who lacked the string and discharged the weapon would never know what hurt him. Suitable. Mother—Johnny, go down to thestore and get a pound of black tea. Johnny—I heard pa say he didnt like black tea. 2. A full dress suit will cost you the price of a good cow at least, say from |75 to $100, though the former price will give you as satisfaction if done by a good honest tailor as the latter. In England you can get one of equally good quality for £6, and there will be enough extra cloth in the suit to make your little boy a nice overcoat. v the real, typical western desperadoes; 1 can tell by his walk. When he passes u» be very careful not to stare at him, ar' if he asks us to drink we must v for those fellows are always ~ shoot at sight! Mother—It makes no difference what yonr father says, Johnny. This family Is in mourning now.—Judge. The statistician has also much to say about the scrap book people and the hunters after historical buttons. One of these has a wonderful collection of civil and military specimens, ranging from the time of Louis XTV to our own days, and he spent large sums of money in looking for articles of the kind on the battlefields where soldiers of the first republic and the first empire had fought y to I ft' I "It's funny I don't get more letters," said the man in Bangor, Me. "Why," said his wife, "you never write any." Strange. Up to date the Metropole clerk has xept his tow to treat all Americans with respect, and the reverence he manifested when CoL Pepper was about during the remainder of his stay was touching*— New York Sun. I think I stood in the door shaking like a leaf for fully three minntes before the silence was broken by a groan. Then it came to me that the robbers had fallen through the open door upon the cord leading to the gun. I struck a match, lighted my own candle, and going to the opening saw three bodies lying below. Running back to the bedroom to recharge my revolver, I then went down stairs to investigate. It did not Beem possible that any one could break into the store without arousing me. There was no door to my room, and after the people in the neighborhood had gooe to bed I could hear the slightest noise in the store. I had looked the place over for a weak spot and had failed to find it, but my own confidence came near proving my destruction. I should have told you in describing the store that just over the spot where we set the spring gun was an opening through which we hoisted and lowered such goods as were stored for a tim« on the second floor. When not in use opening was covered by a trap door. "I know that," Baid he; "but all the letters that come into the city are addressed to 'Me.'"—Light Another Parisian brought together 20,000 different portraits of the great Napoleon, while a dealer in cnriositiee has on hand the palettes of all the principal French painters who have flourished in the second half of the present century. The careful statistician omitted to add to his list the collectors of such trifles as the slippers of "stars" of the ballet, there having been once an old Parisian who had an assortment of these things in his museum.—London Telegraph. But all.did their best. The women sat up nursing the women, and the men turned to and tended the bachelors who were down, and we wrestled with those typhoid cases for fifty-six days, and brought them through the valley of the shadow in triumph. But, just when we thought all was over, and were going to give a dance to celebrate the victory, little Mrs. Dumoisc got a relapse and died in % week and the station went to the funeral. Dumoise broke down utterly at the brink of the grave, and had to be taken away. In the Conservatory. A Kind Husband. Brimblecom (fiercely)—Do lovC "I haven't had an onting for two years," complained Mrs. Jaysmith. Now, knowing the law and your rights in the case, nothing remains for you to do but to attack the manager and make him wish that he had reconsidered the matter before he had so rashly consented to be born. "That's too bad!" replied her husband sympathetically. "111 look at the advertisements and see if there isn't a free excursion to a sale of lots yon can go to today."—Harper's Bazar. It was as I suspected. The three had pitched down together. The top of one's head had been blown off by the shot, a second had a hole in his chest as big as your fist, while the third, who was responsible for the groans, was severely wounded in both legs. It was three months before he could be put on trial, and he then got four years in prison. The whole thing was a pot up job. The "drover" was a Chicago burglar called ?'Clawhammer Dick," and he had hidden himself in the store that night, and then let his pals in by tho back door. They had a horse and wagon in the rear of the building, and the plan was to rob the store of goods as well as to get at the money in the safe. A bit of carelessness on my part not only saved the store and probably my life, but wiped out a very desper-te gang. — Boston Commercial Bulletin. P. D. Q., Amherst, Mass., writes to know (1) what is the fastest railroad time made in America. 2. Also whether it is proper for a wife in the absence of her husband to kill a hen for dinner, and whether it does not coarsen one to do so. ▼la Roof. Clerk—Front! Call 615. Bell Boy (returning)—615 left during the night, sir. Typical Desperado — Good morning, gents; I'm introducing "Dr. Stab's Royal Remedy" for coughs, colds, malaria and' headache—let me sell you a couple,of bottles!—Puck. Toward evening on the tenth day of my clerkship I hoisted up a lot of pails and tubs, and had just finished when trade became so brisk that I was called to wait upon customers. Later on I saw that I had left the trap door open, and I said to myself that I would let it go until I went to bed. The store had the only burglar proof safe for miles around, and it was customary for the farmer who had a hundred dollars or so to leave it with us. He received an envelope in which to enclose it, and he could take out or put in as he liked. On this evening four or five fanners came in to deposit, and as I afterward figured up we had about $1,500 in the safe. Reducing His Family to Salt, A certain man, not unknown in this city, tells this story about himself: He went to look at rooms, and after a chat with the landlady, in which he told her he thought he would take them, he asked her if she objected to children. She said no, not particularly, and wanted to know how many he had. Clerk—Did he take his baggage with him? After the death Dumoise crept into his own house and refused to be comforted. He did his duties perfectly, but we all felt that he should go on leave, and the other men of his own service told him so. Dumoise was very thankful for the suggestion—he was thankful for anything in those days—and went to Chini on a walking tour. Chtni is some twenty marches from Simla, in the heart of the hills, and the scenery is good if you are in trouble. You pass through big, Istill, deodar forests, and under big, still cliffs, and over big, still grass downs swelling like a woman's breasts, and the wind across the grass and the rain among the deodars 6ays, "Hush—hush—hush." Sp little Dumoise was packed off to Chini to wear down his grief with a full plate camera and a rifle. He took also a useless bearer, because the man had been his wife's favorite servant He was idle and a thief, but Dumoise trusted everything to him. 1. The fastest time made for one mile so far as I know was 50£ seconds; Edward Osmond, engineer. The fastest ten miles was made on the Lake Shore and Michigan Southern by a locomotive conveying a fire engine to Sing Sing; time, 8 minutes. It was done in February, 1874. The fastest time for 111 miles was made in 1881; time, 98 minutes. It was on the Canada Southern, and was the occasion of the conveying of Mr. W. H. Vanderbilt, whose flippant remarks and low estimate regarding the public were the cause of the deepest shame and sorrow on the part of the publio. Bell Boy—No; he blew out the gas.— New York Sun. Miss Larkin (fair English woman)— Were you born in America, Miss Brown Pelham? Miss Brown Pelham (fair American, personally conducted)—Oh, yea. I've been in England only a fortnight today. Miss Larkin—And yet you speak our language like a native. You Americans are So clever!—Munsey's Weekly. A Linguist. 3. One should not wear a full dress cuit or blow one's nose on a black silk handkerchief at the communion table. It is vetre and vis-a-vis. Even if you ire in good standing you will look better in a black frock coat, with vest and trousers of some dark material. The lame rule will apply to immersion. Never try to attract attention by being mmersed in full dress. A young lady icquaintance of mine obtained remission Df her sins, and while being immersed in 1 full dress Crape de Sheeney of elaborate workmanship caught cold in one of BREAKING A STEER IN A DRESS SUIT. Non Kit at Present. It la now rapidly approaching the time of year when the householder who ordered a ton of coal "only a day or two" before finds it vanished into smoke. "1 now understand." said Miserleigh, "why they speak of it as a coal been!"—New York Herald. "Oh, about seven," he replied in an offhand way. "What!" she cried, "Goodness gracious, I couldn't let those in." "Well," he said reflectively, "I'll go home and kill four of them. I like the rooms very much." The lady was horrified and begged him not to do it, until finally he consented and gave up his hope of ever living in her pleasant rooms. —Providence Telegram. me, Deborah? A Paint Hope. Miss Artiste—I am so fond of painting! Indeed, I may say that I am wedded to my art. , Jack (her admirer)—Would it be any nse to inquire whether yon have any conscientious scruples against bigamy?— New York Herald. Miss Bruce—Really, you are so impetuous!There were two strange faces in the crowd that evening. One belonged to a roughly dressed, evil eyed man, who announced himself as a drover, and the other as a professional tramp. I gave the latter a piece of tobacco and some crackers and cheese, and he soon went away, and we were so busy up to 8 o'clock that I did not give the drover much attention. When we came to shut up the store he had gone from my mind altogether. We counted up the cash, made some charges in the day book, and it was about 10 o'clock when the merchant left I was tired, and I took a candle and made the circuit of the stare, set the spring gun and went to bed. I had to pass within six feet of the trap door as I went to my room, but I did not see it. It was a rather chilly night in October, and we had no fires yet, and pa I got under the blankets the warmth was so grateful that I soon fell asleep. It was the first night I had gone to bed without thinking of robbers and wondering how I should act in case they came in. I did not know when I fell asleep. I suddenly found myself half upright in bed, and there was an echo in the store, as if the fall of something had aroused me. It was 1 o'clock, and I had been asleep almost three hours. Leaning on my elbow I strained my ears to catch the slightest sound, and after a minute I heard a movement down "fa"™ While I could not say wbat it sort, of Instinct told that it was made byeome Bobby—Do you like your new house? Little Johnnie—Yes. It has a vacant lot next door.—Epoch. The Ball Player. How These Girls Ixiye One Another! Brimblecom (with a groan)—I reckon you'd be impetuous if you were kneeling on a cactus! Yes, or no?—Judge. Winifred (insinuatingly)—Mr. Randolph comea to see you every day, doesn't be? Spotting a Beat. 2. A woman may or may not kill a hen, as she may deem proper, Mr. McAllister says, but she should not mutilate it through tenderness of heart. I once knew of a beautiful society lady who lost her husband by death. He caught cold while sitting up at night in a neglige shirt waiting for his wife to come homo from one of the Patriarch balls in New York. Ho died quite suddenly, leaving his beautiful wife almost wholly unprovided for. Tho life insurance company burst with a loud report as he breathed his last, and so she was left alone in New York with no means whatever, and as she sewed some new gamps into her rich, decollete party dresses the ready tears rolled down her beautifully calcimined cheeks. Julia (with the sailor hat)—Oh, yes, but he's very easily entertained. Winifred—He must be.—Life. I was talking with the night clerk in a Cincinnati hotel when the *bus backed up and a late passenger got down and came in. He had on a silk hat and a fine suit of clothes, and carried a handsome portmanteau. I sized him up for * diamond agent, and from the way he carried his baggage I believed there was quite a load in it. her lungs after being all het up by walking to the river, being a little behind time, and now coughs liko everything. It Tipped Him Over. Angry Conductor (with hand on the bell rope)—You'll pay your fare or get off. Tramp—Statistics show that it costs five dollars iu wear an' tear an' steam to stop a train. Now if you rob th* stockholders of this 'ere road of five dollars, jest ter gratify y'r selfish spite, HI report ye to th' president.—New York Weeklv. An Unanswerable Argument. A hotel waiter fell down on the dining renm floor, dishes and aU. 4. No; there is far less drinking in New York than generally reported, so far as good society is concerned. In our set, which really has a great influence in molding the customs of Europe, we rarely drink to excess. Now and then we take a glass of beer with our victuals or drink a little bitters in the spring of the year, bit most of us can drink or we can let it alone. Wo seldom let liquor get the best of us, and some of us do not drink at all. I think I use less and less Of the vilo demon every year. I hate to put an enemv in mv mouth that will not give mo the use of my own brains for more than an hour or two a day. Mo Longer Wanted. Bronson—My poor old grandmother is dead, and it was quite strange  her parrot died the next day. Dailey—Very strange. The poor bird died of grief, I suppose? Bronson—No. I killed it with a clulD. . J-Jorhj-  "How did it happen?" inquired the man who ran to his assistance. Shrewd. "Because the gentleman on my right side gave me a big tip, and the fellow on my left gave me none, and it overbalanced me."—Dansville Breeze. Mrs. Cumso—You have named all your daughters after Cowers, I notice—Rose, Violet and so on. On his way back from Chini, Dumoise turned aside to Bagi, through the Forest Reserve which is on the spur of Mount Huttoo. Some men who have traveled more than a little say that the march from Ivotegarhto Bagi is one of the finest in creation. It runs through dark wet forest, and ends suddenly in bleak, nipped hill side and black rocks. Bagi dakbungalow is open to all winds and is bitterly cold. Few people go to Bagi. Perhaps that was the reason why Dumoise went there. He halted at 7 in the evening, aud his bearer went down the bill side to the villa? • to engage coolies for the next day's march. The sun had set, and the night winds were beginning to croon among the rocks. Dumoise leaned on the railing of the veranda, waiting for his bearer to return. The man came back almost immediately after ho had disappeared, and at such a rate that Dumoise fancied he must have crossed a bear. He was running as hard is he could up the face of the hill. Mrs. Banks—Yes, I wished to make sure that they would be pressed.—New York Herald. "Good evening." "Good evening." 'Will you place this bag in your safe and give me a receipt for it?" "No, sir." "What!" "I said no, sir." "Thespis must have had a fearfully large head." "I don't see why." "She had so many temples."—Harper's Bazar. A Logical Conclusion, A Cruel 8port. Young Lady—Don't you think fox hunting a cruel sport? I-4 A Young Financier. Tommy—How much will you charts me for a bicycle for this afternoon, Mr. Wheeler? A Story of Congressman Rogers. It is related of John Rogers, the Arkansas congressman, that he recently sat down in a barber's chair, when the barber asked if he would not take off his collar. Escort—Ya-as, it is. It's regular torture, bajovel I haven't been able to sit down foh a week.—Street Cfc Smith's Good News. Proprietor—Fifty cents for the first hour; twenty-five cents an hour after that. "Do you mean to say that you won't care for my property?" "I dv sir." Driven at last by the pangs of hunger she decided to kill a hen, of which she had seven in her own on the death of her husband It was a sad sight to see her in her heavy, long crepe veil, which was soon covered with burdock burrs, chasing a demented hen athwart the back lot. No one could with dry eyes view the once proud and haughty society leader chasing this frightened fowl with a cistern pole through the tansy bed, while the mischievous breeze caught up her drapery, and flinging it far and wide gave fleeting visions of hand embroidering and lisle thread socks ana pantalettes with costly rucb- Ing around the edges. Many who saw her turned away to hide their swift falling and scalding tears. At last she disabled the hen, and led her to the block, where an obtuse natcnet was ready to behead tne poor and somewhat senile fowL Twice she spat on her pink palm and grasped the weapon, only to give it up again. Twice she gathered her strength, but the fowl appealed to her so powerfully that she turned away. The third time she raised the hatchet she held in her right hand to take the life of the hatchit she held in her left, and closing her eyes, with a faint groan, she brought down the shining blade with all its force, cutting off the beak of the poor hen just back of the front teeth. Seasonable Note. Tommy—Well, if I come around hew an hour later can I have one for a quarter?—Light5. You may remove a birthmark by using a stump puller, but you must use discretion with it or you will give yourself needless pain. The same is true of superfluous hair. You can remove it, but in digging up the roots or blowing them out with dynamite great care must be used not to hurt the pores of the skin or follicles. "Certainly," said Rogers pleasantly, "anything to accommodate," and, getting out of the chair, removed his coat and vest, let down his suspenders, and began unbuttoning his shirt. "It is always best to lie on the right aide," remarked the stump speaker when he heard of the election of the man he had been advocating.—Texas Sittings. "This is an insult!" choked the stranger. "Yes." Where It Wh Needed. "And if you were out here I'd knock you down for your impudence!" "Tom," she murmured, "I have perfect trust in you." Method In HI* Madness. The clerk opened the gate and walked out and hit the stranger on the ear and then kicked him oat. The satchel fell to the floor and the shock opened it, and Wt rolled an old shirt, a pair of socks, three or four brickbats and an ancient paper collar. The clerk threw it after C&e man, who picked it up and dusted. "Jes' yo' collah, sah," said the astonished barber, "jes' de collah; that'll be enough." A Sufficient Reason. "Can't you lend some to your father for a while?" he queried anxiously.— Harper's Bazar. Sweet Innocent (to visitor)—I wish you'd stay to luncheon, Mrs. Gadder. Mrs. Gadder—Darling boy. He's getting so fond of me! "I shall never marry," said Mr. Hir-ira, "Why not?" "Because I am already married."—' New York Herald. "I understand," said Rogers. "I'm going to take it off." And he peeled his shirt off over his head. Why His Writing Halted. Innocent's Mamma—Oh, he's devoted to you. 6. A very good verse to write in an album, I think, would be something like the following: Teacher—Your son halts badly in his writing. "You see, I have my collars made on my shirts," he calmly said, as he sat in his undershirt and enjoyed himself.— Cincinnati Commercial-Gazette. Same Sensation. Sweet Innocent—'Cos when a lady stays to luncheon ma opens preserves.— America. Go, little booklet, go, Jones—Did you ever ride a bicycle? Smith—No, but I've called a policeman a liar.—Munsey's Weekly. Mother (apologetically)— Yes, poor boy, ha always did stutter.—Texas Sifting*"Who was it?" I asked. "A professional hotel beat" Bearing each honored name. Till everywhere that you have went They're glail that you have came. But there was no bear to account for hnman being. Everything on the street was as bQbb& as the grave. My window curtain was up, and I could see that the sky had thickened and was very black. 1 did not wait tor tbe noise to be repeated. 1 -was just as sure that some one was in the store as if 1 had already seen him, and I crept softly out of bed, drew on my trousers and moved out into the big room, having the revolver in my hand. There was no door at the head of the gtair. I intended to go there and listen down the stairway. As I was moving across the room, which was then pretty clear of goods as far as the trap door, I suddenly recollected this opening and changed my course to reach it. It was terribly dark in the room, and one unfamiliar with the place would not have dared to move a foot. Half way to the trap I got down on hands and knees, and as I reached the opening I settled down on my stomach. There was a dim light down stairs. That nettled the fact that some one was in the store. After a minute I heard whispers, then the movement of feet, then a certain sound which located the intruders to a foot. They were at the safe in the front of the store. "How did you know it?" his terror. He raced to the veranda and fell down, the blood spurting from his nose and his face iron pray. Then he gurgled: "1 have seen the MemsahibI I have seen the Memsahib!" Young Widow—Yes; John was a good man. Sympathetic Friend—You must  up, Emily. There are as good fish iifc the sea as ever were caught. Young Widow—I know it, but (burst »f tears) John wasn't a fish.—Judge. Corrected. "By his trying to make himself solid before he had registered. All the high rollers work the same line. He'd have squeezed us for about $30."—New York Sun. A Valuable Tip. Bow Legged Man—What do yon thfrA of my new saddle horse? A Perfect lit. Providing for Emergencies. "Haven't yodD forgotten something, sir?" asked the head porter of a guest who had paid his bill and was leaving the hotel. "Waiter, bring me a ham sandwich." "But," remarked his friend, "you must remember you're invited to supper at Kleinbrod's." Friend (examining it critically)—It seems to be a perfect fit—Munsey'i Weekly. "Where?" said Dumoise. A Predicament. "uown tnere, waiting on the road to the village. She was in a blue dress, and slie lifted tho veil of her bonnet and said, 'Rain Dass, give my salaams to the Sahib, and tell him that I shall meet him next month at Nuddea.' Then I ran away because I was afraid." "Oh, no," replied the non-tipper; "if I have you can keep it." ••That's so; Td forgotten it. Waiter, bring two ham sandwiches."—Philadelphia Times. Too Cheap. Unfortunate for Frits. They were from Chicago and rich. The daughter was taking lessons in coyness and social small talk. "Much obliged! I notice yon left your pocketbook lying on the desk."—New York Sun. Uncle—How is it, Fritx, you play bo much alone? Have you no friend? "Oh, yes, Tve got one friend, but 1 don't like him."—Fliegende Blaetter. In a Drug Store. everything Provided For. Boy—Mister, I want to get a—um—I —want a pint of—a—thunder—I forgot. "A penny for your thoughts," she archly remarked to an abstracted visitor, and then felt from the look of horr»«r that overspread her parent's face she must have been guilty of a false step. "Why don't you offer him a dollar?" was that lady's criticism after the visitor's departure. "We've got money and you mustn't be afraid to let folks know it."—Philadelphia Times. Druggist's Clerk—Little man, have, you forgotten what you came for? Boy—That's it! Clerk—What's it? Boy—Camphor.—Life. HU Rise. What Dumoise said or did I do not know. Ram Dass declares that he said nothing, but walked up and down the veranda all the cold night, waiting for the Memsahib to come up the hill and stretching out his arms into the dark like a madman. But no Memsahib came, and next day he went on to Simla, crossquestioning the bearer every hour. He bought a brand new pair of shoes. A Natural Conclusion. Be thought he'd get some spats; He then discovered that he lacked The latest thing In hats. "I am going to write * story with the grain market as a subject." "Ah! I suppose you will publish it in cereal form. "—Washington Post He bought one. Then his trousers bagged; He ordered two new pair. And then, strange tact', he noticed that His coat was qofte threadbare. A Bad Case. Mrs. Jay smith—I really don't know ,:hat to do about my husband. He is a Bfave to opium. Mrs. McCorkle—You don't say! • Mrs. Jaysmith—Yes; he takes an epi* t demic injection every day.—Judge With a shriek of agony the great society leader went to her room and flung herself on the bed. After taking a long draught from a beautifully lacquered tear jug holding about a gallon she became calmer. The hen was found years after half way up the rain water pipe of a deserted chateau, and was recognized by the absence of a bill and the amalgam filling in one of her wisdom teeth. Amy—Mr. Dolley seems to be in a grave study. Mabel—Yes; he's boiled in thoRght— West Shore. Sepulchural. He bought another. Then he saw Somo waistcoats. Just the thing: He had to get some ties to match; He bought a diamond ring. Hli Ides of Comfort. Ram Dass could only say that ho had met Mrs. Dumoise, and that she had lifted up her veil and given him the message which he had faithfully repeatod to Dumoise. To this statement Ram Dass adhered. Ho did not know where Nuddea was, had bo friends at Nuddea, and would most certainly never go to Nuddea, even though his pay were more than doubled. Smiley—The improvements in traveling accommodations are simply marvelous. Why, travel has actually become a pleasure, the appointments of trains are so perfect. O'Royer—Begorra, phin Oi put me line froo that hole Oi must'r fought Oi wor goin* t* catch minnies!—Jndge. He joined three clubs. He bought a horse, Then changed It for a team; lie bought 11 sailing yacht at first. And then moved up to steam. With Emphasis on It. She—Who is that wtlking with Mrs. Artte? I wonder if it is her husband? He—Yes, it is.—Yankee Blade. Guest—I'm glad there's a rope here in case of fire; but what is the idea of putting a Bible in the room in such a prominent position? His Destination. Snod grass (meeting Snively with a valise)—Hello; where are you going? Snively (slightly cross)—Nowhere. x Snodgrass — Know-where! I didn'tsuppose you were acquainted in Boston, —Yenowine's News. 'r Such Is Fame. Bibliomaniac—And yet they neglect one of the principal comforts of life. They have no old book shops cn the trains. '-America. Etta—Have you read Rudyard KipD *ng? Bella—No. Is it a good story?—Lowell Citizen. He bought these things, and many mora. This man so great and wise; For during his career he had Tho sense to advertise. —Tom Masaoo la Clothier and Furnisher. Ah Baba, Cairo, Illinois, writes to ask how long it takes to properly digest the food we most commonly eat. Devotion to Art. The cat has nine lives, and spend* them aU in voial culture.—Pock. Bell Boy—Dat am intended foh use, sah, in case the fire am too far advanced foh you to make yoh escape, sah.—Puck, I drew myself forward and looked