Pittston Gazette

              'V^jX ! Oldest Newsuauer in the Wvomin s Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 1890. A Weeidy Local and Family lournal. I ""V.™ ™ * SHE TALKS WITH Nt£ Btevc Urodie anil President Carnot and Marshall Wilder and Neil Vanderbilt and all of onr folks, so I knew that he moved in onr set. Then he asked me to excuse him, but there looked to him to be a foreign substance in among the leaves of my salad. I pawed over the lettuce and discovered in it a new dollar bill. I thanked the gentleman for his kindness, and said I was getting so absent minded now that I was liable to go away sorno time and leave a whole fortune in the hotel sugar bowl. He said he was that way too. HE GOT DAMAGES. PHILOSOPHY IN THE MUD. THE ARIZONA KICKER. SOMETHING UNIQUE IN MONEY. ON BABIES' GRAVES. WELCOME NEWS FOR MOTHS. ODDS AND ENDS. A Man Must Stand Up for His Rights la An Old Darkey Proves That "All Comes We extract the following from the last issue of The Arizona Kicker: Wherein a Certain Five Dollar Note TAt- Carlosltles Seen In the Ancient Cemetery The danger of infection from impnr* water is said to be only slightly reduced by filtration through sand, bacteria passing through at all times, but in larger numbers just after the filter has been cleaned and again after it has been used for some time. A CHAMBERMAID DWELLS FEELINGLY ON LIFE IN CONEY ISLAND. TUli Wicked World. Out about four miles from Natchez I came across a colored man who had headed for town with a jag of wood on a one mule wagon. At a narrow spot in the road, where the mud was a foot deep, his old mule had given out and the wagon was stalled. The man sat on a log by the roadside, smoking a corn cob pipe and enjoying a sun bath, and after viewing the situation I asked: to Him Who Waits." fered from All Others. of Washington Colored People. Camplroi1 Is Very Dear ami Drunliti Are Inventing a Substitute. A contractor for a new building on Michigan avenue left the cellar unguarded at a certain spot, and a young man who was passing by on his way into a grocery tumbled in. A gash was cut in his scalp, two teeth loosened, his ear cut, and his coat was ripped up the back. Not Yet.—In reply to "Anxious Inquirer," of Philadelphia, we would say that we .hold no political or appointive office whatever. Right here it would be very appropriate for us to add that we want nothing of the sort, and that if the president would tender us a cabinet position we should refuse it. We ought to say so, but we don't propose to. We have been ready for the last two years to take most anything we could get our hands on in the way of an office, but the opportunity hasn't dropped on our side of the fence. While we are the editor, publisher and proprietor of a great weekly newspaper, and while we conduct a job office, newspaper, grocery, saddlery, hardware, butcher shop, millinery store, feed store and signal station all under one roof, there is still an aching void. While onr cotemporaries may play hypocrite and liar, we see no occasion to conceal, onr real feelings. We want office of eome fcfricf, and we'll get it or bust a lung. Yesterday afternoon, as the crowd was thickest in the Palmer house rotunda, a young man approached a group of men at the counter and pleasantly remarked that it was rather an unpleasant day. The stranger wore a shabby silk hat, trousers shaped like elephants' legs and a fancy shirt of a pattern resembling kitchen wall paper. He had a greenback in his hand and seemed to be greatly interested in the money. A little child's tea set spread out upon a new made grave. What could be more pathetic? The tiny cups and dishes all carefully arranged as if for a make believe party, with a small tea pot in the middle. But the mite of a girl who should play the hostess at the lilliputian feast is lying cold and stiff in a wooden box buried three feet beneath the mound of fresh earth whereon the tea set is arrayed. The price of cawphor has not been so high for years as it ig at present. Housewives, desirous of keeping the destructive moths and other insects fADm the winter clothes, now laid aside for the summer, and merchants even, who purchase it in quantities, learn this at the various apothecary shops. The retail price at present is in some instances as high as 70 cents a pound, and the wholesale price is seldom below 55 or CO cents for the same quantity. There has bsen a steady advance in th« price during the last three years. In 1887 camphor could be bought readily for 23 cents a pound; in 1888, for 25 cents; in the spring of 1889 for 39 cents, and in the fall of 1889 for 37 cents. Since then it has advanced rapidly until the price has reached the high figures quoted. Her Life as Viewed from the Standpoint of One of the 400—An Experience at the Theatre—The Census and Nye's It is proposed to substitute a new meaaure of light as a standard in place of the candle, and it is thought that some one of the measures already used will be adopted. List of Question*. "Where's the boss of this job?" he demanded as he got up. [Copyright by Edgar W. Nye.] At the Hotel, Boom 13.—She has just gone. I wu about beginning this letter in my room when some one tried the door by throwing his whole being against it, then' rattling the knob and afterward inserting a pass key. For some time my own key on the inside of the lock prevented the other from entering, but finally it tottered and fell to the floor. Then the bolt moved and the door opened. A tall girl, with a porous jersey and a hoarse footfall, entered the room. "I am the man," replied the individual named. "I am very sorry this happened, and what " The little grave is but one of thousands such huddled together in an old colored people's cemetery out towards the northwest, beyond the city limits and close by the bank of Rock creek. Acre upon acre of the inclosure is so thickly occupied by the dead that the graves adjoin one another row upon row without an inch of space between to set the foot upon. No verdure conceals betneath its green carpet the crowded hillocks of clay and gravel, nor do costly monuments arise to commemorate the virtues of the departed. There are not even headstones, but usually slabs of wood instead, most of them merely shingles and old scraps of board stuck into the ground, and all this not because of any lack of love or reverence, but simply for the reason that the builders of this necropolis are poor. A black thunder cloud had obscured the sky. "The other day It was lightening," said a little girl,"and now it's darkening." "Now, for instance, I left something or other over there in that finger bowl, 1 believe. Will you be kind enough to look in.it and see." I examined the finger bowl and found his diamond ring in the bottom of it. When I got through my meal I decided to go and see some sort of show. I went to see Herrmann. When he came on tho stage I remembered who it was that ate dinner with me. "Well, what are you going to do?" "Nuffin', boss," he answered. "Going to leave t'^j^fright thereuntil it sinks ont of sight? "Sorry, are youl Well, being sorry won't pay the damages! I want you to "Pardon me," said the stranger by way of breaking the ice, "but I've just had the strangest experience of my life," and he looked intently at the $5 bill in his hand, holding it toward the light and trying to see through it. The first prize in the competition for the memorial to the late German Emperor William I, in Silesia, has been adjudgedto the scujptor Ilerr Christian Behrens, of Breslau, and the architect Herr Licht, of Leipzig. come down." "Oh, she's dun gone down about as fur as she kin." "I am sorry, as I said before, and am willing to do what is right. If you"  "And you are in no hurry?" "No, sah. Ize got all dis week to get to town." "No beating around, now! cash damages." I want The crowd gathered closer around the young ma&, but as he did not show any intention of telling his strange experience, a drummer asked him to relate it. This rise in the price of the popular and useful drug is attributed to various causes. One of the chief is supposed to be its extended use in manufactures last year. In addition to the large quantities now used in the making of celluloid the recent invention of smokeless powder has drawn largely upon the stock in hand. The governments of Germany, France and Belgium, where the smokeless powder is now in almost exclusive use, have purchased large amounts of the article and stored it in their magazines, in preparation of war, should there lie one. A firm in Hamburg is said to have lost 130,000 marks by selling its stock to the government in the early part of the winter instead of holding to it until now. A "Wildest" has been brought to London, for an attempt similar to that of Buffalo Bill. Eighty Arabs and a few negroes, including women and children, horses, camels, asses, dogs, tents—in fact, the oriental outfit complete—have come ovsr to exhibit the life and to execute the fantasias of the desert. "How much?" "Well, you take things pretty cool, I must say." The performance did not run very smoothly, owing to the orchestra, which was a local affair. In one place the performer is (fuite dependent on the orchestra for his cue, as the whole thing moves along with the music. It is a part of the programmer called Black Art, wherein various skeletons come out of their damp, ill ventilated graves at a late hour of the night and dance the hornpipe or remove their skulls and blow the dust out ol them, keeping time to the music all the while. Herrmann had endeavored to impress upon him that the members of the orchestra must pay strict attention to their business, for he depended on tht "Well, I'll tell you what it is. A man who will set a trap of this kind for people ought to be made to sweat for it, and if you don't fork over two shillings Til law you clear to the supreme court and back again." "Say, boss, jist sot down heah half an hour an' see de filosophy of de thing," he answered. 'Tze working a common sense plan on dis difficulty." "See this §3 bill?" said the stranger. "Now, I don't suppose there is a gentleman here who could tell it from any other bill of the same denomination." I got down and took a seat, and' it wasn't ten minutes before a cotton team, with four darkies perched on the bales, came up from the rear. His Head Is Lkvel.—Last Wednesday night, when returning feeme from a call at the two story adobe of the Widow Glassfield's, and just as we were passing the ruins of old Fort Todd, we were tired upon three times in rapid succession. We didn't stop to inquire the gentleman's name, nor to ask the occasion of his hilarity, but covered the mile of sandy road leading into town in something like five minutes. Next morning ore went down to the ruins to see what we could see, and it didn't, cost us three minutes' time to discover who fired those shots. There were the footprints of a bowlegged man—a man so bowlegged that no one could mistake his identity. We returned to toWn and set to hunt up Professor Monckton, who has been playing an accordion in some of the first class saloons, and who was ''gone" on the widow without our knowledge. We had some music in our hip pocket for his private ear, but a brief search disclosed the fact that he had skipped the town. He had seen us going out to look up hia tracks, and had at once bolted into the sage brush. At this point Clerk Cunningham and Dr. Sutton, of Rome, N. Y., pricked np their ears. Tho clerk is a numismatist of no mean ability, and the Eastern physician is in Chicago for the sole purpose of picking up curiosities to add to his large collection. Both of these men reached for the bill. At Torrelagorda, Cadiz, a Maxim automatic rapid firing gun weighing about 800 - pounds threw projectiles weighing something over one pound at the Ate of fifty shots in ten seconds. In a high wind it put forty-seven shots out of fifty in a target 600 meters distant. Afterward it fired fifty explosive shells in ten seconds at 2,000 meters range, and a dozen shots pierced the target. "Two shillings?" gasped the boss. "Yes, two shillings, and not a red less." On the piece of board at tho head of the grave where the tea set is spread out is this inscription: It was handed to tdm quicker than greased lightning, and as he went his way he said to some of the bystanders; "Yo', dar—what's de rumpus?" demanded the driver as he checked his mules. McdoRA Evell INA SCOTT a Sleep In JEA& AGed 4 yrs OLD. "That's tho way to get your rights— stand right up to folks!"—Detroit Free Press. "Dun got stuck fast." "Oh—ho! Come along, boys, an' git dat ole mewl outer his trubble." "It looks like any other," remarked its owner, "but I'll bet fifty cents that no one can tell why it is different from any other $3 bill. Not that I care for a mere half dollar, but just to test your knowledge of paper money, and to make the trial interesting, Til put up fifty cents." He handed his money to Mr. Cunningham. Dr. Sutton deposited a like Bum. Then the relic hunter from Rome felt of the bill, held it toward the light, and scrutinized every number and line on the greenback; but he found no evidence that the note was either a counterfeit or a rare bill. Finally he gave it up, also his half dollar. This is by no means the only grave on which toys and such things are to be seen displayed. On the contrary nearly every little mound of earth that covers a child's coffin exhibits some relics of the sort. Near by is a shingle serving the purpose of a head stone, against which is tied with twine a doll's chair jnth a china doll sitting in it. The doH'ftress has had all the color washed out of it by the rain, bnt it still sits there patiently, as it has sat for many a month, waiting for its mistress to pick it up when the day shall arrive and carry it before the judgment seat. On a grave not far off is a tin box full of empty spools—once doubtless used for playthings to beguile baby hours—and a mouth organ. Tied to another head board is a pair of little reins, and scattered over the mound are several dominoes. A grave that is marked simply "No. 1"—may be the child had got no name—was adorned merely with a stoppered nursing bottle. However, it is said that Germany is seeking dilligently for a proper substitute to use as the principal ingredient of the smokeless powder, as its extreme volatility makes its use expensive and somewhat uncertain. Nothing, however, has been found yet which can take its place. Two English cycSfets have just completed the tour of Europe on bicycles. They left London last summer, and traveled exclusively on their machines, except whefi obliged to take steamer for crossing a sea or lake. They went through France, Switzerland and into Roumania and Turkey, thence returning via Russia, Sweden and Norway, Northern Prussia, Holland and Belgium. They all got down, each took a wheel, and with a "heave-*#' the wagon was lifted ont of the mud arid was ready to go on. music. Wanted to Know. When it got to this part of the programme the magician discovered that tho leader had loaded his etruscan jaw with a giant jag of tntti frntti gam and was keenly enjoying the show. Herrmann motioned him to go on with the music, and he spread ont his wings as a signal for the orchestra to sail in. As one ghastly gentleman after another got ont of his malarial grave and shook out the kinks' in his skeleton, the orchestra began to play more and more piano. The man who administers the clarionet to himself every evening swallowed the first joint of his instrument, and then seemed to freeze with horror at the picture on tho stage. All at once a slim little ghost crawled out of his grave, and taking out a carpet tack which had been in the bottom of his coffin no doubt foi years and jabbing him in the back, he seemed to breathe a Bigh of relief, anil turning n hand spring lit on the top of a tall monument worth $250. " 'Scuse me, ma'am, but I'd like to ask you a question," said a long, leathery, keen eyed woman to an elegantly clad and aristocratic looking lady sitting in front of her on a railroad train. "See de pint?" queried the owner of the rig, who hadn't lifted a pound himself.The hjgh price of camphor (and druggists do not expect to see it much lower in the near future) has led to the use of a substitute for killing moths. It is called naphtralin, and is a coal tar product, white in color, which can be purchased in the form of big lumps and flakes. It is said to be effective in the preservation of clothes. * :t1B* "Very well," replied the lady haughtily."I do." "Well, then, here goes; I been settin' behind you fer three mortal hours trying to flgger out if your har is all yer own or if part of it's a switch, an' blest if I kin yit. You've a sight of it if it's all yer own, an' if it's a switch -.it's a darned good match. Which air it, anyhow?—Detroit Free Press. "Dat's what ails de black man today —hain't got no filosophy. He-haw, now, Julius—git right up 'n bend yore ole backbone! So long, white man—see yo* later!"—Detroit Free Press. At the beginning of the year it was estimated that rfbout (600,000,000 was invested in the electrical industries. The telegraph companies had *120,000,000; telephone, |80,- 000,000; electric lighting and power com-  panies, $300,000,000; electrical supply companies, §100,000,000. There is no doubt * W another year will show 11,000,000,000 invested in electrical industries. "I DO NOT LOVK JtV CALLING."' My richly caparisoned robe de nuit lay across the foot of the bed. She caught it firmly by the sleeve and flung it into the wardrobe. I said: "Bon jour, Mme. CTSelle." She did not reply. The greater part of the camphor in commerce is the product of the camphor tree, a native of China, Japan, Formosa and Cochin China. It has also been introduced into Java and the West Indies, although with but partial success. The tree is of considerable height with evergreen leaves and yellowish white flowers. It is imported to this country in a crude state in large leaden lined tubs, tightly sealed, and is refined by sublimation. There are only three refineries in the United States, all of which are in the east. All of the camphor used at present in America is prepared in these three refineries. An American firm, however, has recently sent a machine to Japan for the purpose of refining the camphor where it is grown, prior to exportation. It is said that it expects to make money by this means, despite the duty, as the loss on refined camphor by evaporation is less than on the crude camphor. Druggists also say that the machines in use in America for refining camphor accomplish better results than those used in any other country. The prices of the drug in Europe are today somewhat higher even than in this country.—New York Tribune. Change. "If that is an odd bill," he said, "I am fooled. Now that I've given up my chance, will you tell me its peculiarity?" "I don't mind," answered the stranger, as he put two half dollars in his pocket. "You see this $5 bill belongs to me, and no other does. Pardon me for taking your money, but I'm trying to get a stake so that I can get back to New York. Good afternoon, gentlemen."—Chicago Tribune. Catching a pillow by the corncr she shucked it dexterously „ on the floor. Then she nimbly yanked the case off the other, and afterward skinned off the sheets. When I would resume my writing she would pause in her duties and look at me furtively. When I looked up again she would resume her havoc. Tourist in the South—You must have seen lots of change down here the last few years, uncle. The biggest telescope in the world, erected at Ealing, in England, h&s just been made, single handed, by Mr. Common, the astronomer. Its whole mass weighs nearly twenty tons'. The enormous iron cylinder which forms the tube is 20 feet' long 8 feet in diameter, resembling the oidinarj boiler of a stationary engine. Inside this is delicately distributed some ten tons of pig iron, the whole instrument going to form the most wonderful machine which the planet possesses. Through Mr. Common's telescope it will be easy to see no fewer than 50,000,000 stars. Peculiarity of the Fair Sex. Uncle—Dey say dere's been lots, boss, but de mos' I's Been ob it ha' been a dime or a nickel ebery now an' den, explainin' to folks dat it wa'nt safe to trabel roun' here 'moug de scrub palmetters on 'count ob de rattlers an' moccasins.— Harper's Weekly. Tey It Once.—Two months ago the postmaster of this town didn't care a cent whether our mail reached us or not, and every complaint we made was received with ill disguised contempt. We brought matters to a climax by encouraging him to attempt to horsewhip us. «A» soon as he had struck the first blow we sailed in, and his friends say that he was the worst licked man ever heard of in Arizona. Since that date nothing is too good for us. He sends a boy over with our mail twice .a day, and every , one a? our subscribers gets his Kicker so promptly that the paper bpls hot when it reaches him. Harry—When a woman is mad with you, you are likely to hear some plain truths from her. Barry—Yes? The nursing bottles seemed to be of all things the most frequent decoration of the graves—certainly the most pitiful. As a rule they were partly filled with mud washed into them by the storms. But they were not by any means the only kind of bottles to be noticed on the mounds. Medicine bottles were there in plenty—enough, indeed, to supply an apothecary's shop with glassware. As well as could be discovered, it was much the fashion to place on a grave all the medicine bottles emptied by the deceased during the last and fatal illness. u.- She was rather plain; not the kind of plainness that often goes along with great mental power, but the kind that you might expect in a hippopotamus that had no early advantages except a hare lip. She seemed to think it odd that I should be in my room writing at that hour of the day while there was a baseball game going on. She did not understand that I was a litterateur. H.—I have observed it, Moreover, careful as she is about keeping from you the knowledge of how old she is ordinarily, it seems she is not - so cautious when in a passion.. Then the man who plays the adjustabla brass pulled the instrument out to its fullest extent and forgot to put it back again. More and more the orchestra seemed to get interested in the show and less in its music. The drummer made a fox pass, as the French say, and then paused with an unborn note still trembling on his lips. Finally as the ghnsJy turn test went on, the orchestra got so diminuendo that an old blind man. with a croupy base tuba, was the only musician who seemed to be earning his ralary. A western baseball club has a pitcher named Cotton and the crowd seems to regard the name in the nature of a soft thing. When Mr. Cotton is pitching the crowd yells: "See 'em battin' Cotton," and when he is at the bat they yell: "Look at Cotton battin'." It i¬ much wonder that he thinks of applying to the legislature to change his name.—New York World. The Crowd and Cotton. A New Wrinkle Knocked Out. B.—No? He walked into the Pennsylvania railroad depot in Jersey City with a pert look on his face, and, advancing to one of the benches, he stood his silver handled umbrella on end, produced a chain and padlock from his pocket, and, running one end of the chain through the open handle, he made the umbrella fast to the seat and said to the nearest man: H.—No. When she is thoroughly mad she never seeks to conceal her rage.— New York Ijgraid. Not a Spendthrift. An elaborate; fire is to be inst de la Monnaie days. An connected placed all of these ti into a series and'wilJ curtain, lamps in dience may system of protection be installed at the Brussels theatn nnaie during the summer holiimmense water tjmV -will be with a number of small tape jver the building. When either aps is turned the water will ran 3 of pipes playing upon the stags automatically bring dvwn the ixoa ring alarm bells and light electric ill the passages, so that the ao- Ind their way if the gaa -- of the old court house ani jail, erected in 1764 in Great Bar- Mass., is to be marked byablookof the following inscription: "Near itood the first court house of county, erected in 1784, where, 1774, occurred the first open resist- British rule in this country." It court house, in 1780, that Theo„ *ick, under the bill of rights, he freedom of Elizabeth Freeman, ■y slave of Gen. John ' * *— of Thus one was enabled to surmise at a glance whether or not the sickness had been very long or complicated. Some graves would have only two or three bottles, while others would make a showing of as many as fifteen. Many of the medicine bottles on the other hand were partly full. Finally I could bear the restraint no longer; so, politely raising my hat,which had been on the bureau all this time, I asked: "And how do you sell your smiles?" asked Jones of old Mrs. Rougemup, who was presiding over a table at a fancy fair. Mem.—If your postmaster won't trayel in the rigfet bridle path, baste him.— Detroit Free Press. "I haven't traveled over this country for five years without learning a thing or two." "Do I address the chambermaid?" "A dollar apiece, sir; for the benefit of the poor." One head board bore the epitaph Our babe stept away Quietly to Bulah land In the sweet by and by. "You do," she said shyly, as she threw the mattress across the footboard, knocking the prehistoric dust out of it in a beautiful cloud. . "Doesn't that man know there's typhoid lever in that house?" said one citizen to another. Invulnerable. Mot That Sort. He went away smiling and whistling, but had scarcely left the waiting room when along came another dapper fellow, wearing a check suit and having a smooth cheek, and he walked right up to the umbrella, produced a three cornered file from his pocket, and in two minutes he had filed the chain in two, He put chain and lock in his pocket, shouldered the umbrella and walked off with the observation: Pr. Talmage'g Great Organ. Then Professor Herrmann came out on the : Uige and made a few desultory remarks to the orchestra personally. He began to remove gum from the jaws of th» orchestra, and some said he got eight pounds, but I think that is putting it too high. Between six and seven would, I think, be big enough. At this moment tho drummer sought to reply. A little discussion arose between him and the professor, and when it closed the drummer was not there. The next day, I am told, he was found inside the base drum. "Well, my dear madam, as it's for a good cause you may give me fifty cents' worth."—Judge. The new organ for Talmage's Tabernacle is rapidly approaching completion. The first organ for the Tabernacle was built in 1873, and at the time was one of the largest and most complete in the country. It was destroyed with the Tabernacle in 1889. The site county ' rington, stone with this spot Berkshire Aug. 16 ance to was at this _ dore Sedgwick, secured thi  a runaway , Ashley, c Sheffield. This is supposed to be the first freeing of a slave by legal process in North America. On the grave were a rubber doll, a tin fire engine, very much rusted, and a little china cat. "Would you mind telling me whether you are perfectly happy?' I exclaimed. "Oh, no, I am not happy a little bit," she murmured. "I suppose not; he goes in as if he wasn't in the least apprehensive." Be la Still Hoping. ■. Miss Hevyrox—No, John, I cannot listen to your love. Farewell forever! John—Might I ask one question? "Why doesn't somebody warn him?" A curious thing found on one of the mounds was a cast of a human foot in ordinary plaster of the sort that is used for houses. Perhaps the father of the family was in that business. Other casts of angels and such things in the same rude mat*_lal were not infrequent. The most conspicuous object in the cemetery was a huge hobby horse placed over a small boy's grave. Many a day, doubtless, had he ridden on it to Banbury Cross. A pathetic ornament, washed down by the rain from a mound, was a child's school slate. Sticking up in the mud by it was a half used slate pencil. The slate itself was broken. - "Oh, he's a detective. Nobody is afraid he will catch anything."—Washington Post. The new organ is much larger and more complete in all its details, and one of the most powerful in the world, and a veritable "king of instruments." It will contain four manuals of five octaves each, a pedal of two and a half octaves, the largest of which will be the deep C, C, C, C, 32 foot cathedral tone, the same as in the large organ in Westminster Abbey. It contains more large stops than any other organ in the country, if not the world, there being 11 stops of 16 feet and 82 of 8 feet. The entire number of stops is 110, of which 06 are pipe stops running through the entire scale; the rest are couplers, pneumatic combinations, tremulants and pedal movements. The total number of pipes is 4,448 and the cost over $80,000. The case is the open style, showing a facade of 40 feet wide and SO feet high of richly ornamented pipes. The console will be brought out 10 feet in front of the organ, and the Wind supplied by three immense bellows, driven by a powerful electric motor on an Edison circuit. "And do yon not love your calling?" "No, I do not love my calling. Why should I love my calling? I love to mingle with the glad throng. I was born on Coney Island, where it was one round of pleasure all the live long summer day. My father was an artist. He had an atelier on the beach, where he took tin types 'in a group.' Like all artists he was improvident. His tastes were far in advance of his income. But he loved my mother troly, and when not working at his art he would often turn tho wringer for her." "Yes." "Is this a Simon pure farewell, or onef of the Patti brand?"—Harper's Bazar. Completing: the Circuit. "If the feller who is smarter than chain lightning comes back and asks who did it, tell him it was a hayseed who had never been off the farm before!"—New York Sun. "What do you think of the clothing trade?" said the tramp to the scarecrow, after swapping suits with him. Glad of a Chance. 2- ||PI One often reads pathetic stories of pet birds that die simultaneously with, ox shortly after, their child owners. It sound* pretty, but the simple prose of the matter often is that the owners infected the bird* Canaries and other songsters will cateh scarlet fever, measles, diphtheria, or almost any other human disease, and if left in the sick room they are almost sure to be Infected. Pet cats and small dogs, too, are often sacrificed in the same way, and in their cases there is also the risk that they will go out and become the unwitting instruments of disseminating disease. "I like it better than I do the stationary business," answered the scarecrow. —Puck. Unintentional lourteiy. One thing that struck the observer in the cemetery was that all the ornaments and articles of whatever description that decorated the graves were without exception broken or deprived of their usefulness in other ways. If such had not been the case they would be likely to be carried away. Even a tin basin on one mound, red with rust, was punched full of holes. A starch box on another grave was full oi fragments of china dolls, and even the nursing bottles were cracked The big hobby horse had lost its rockers and every one of the statuettes were more or less mutilated. Coffee pots, with their nozzles knocked off, in very many cases served the use of pots for flowers, though no flowers were in them, of course. — Washington Star. If::' A Paltry Low. Small Boy (as the dog cart comes to a sodden stop)—Blest if Romeo ain't went an' swallered your pug!—Judge. She—And would you Have loved me if I had been poor? He—I never would have known yon, darling!—Scribner's Magazine. "And you were happy then: ' "All, yes. So happy! so happy! I partook of my tether's artistic tastes, but physically I resemble my mother. She cared nothing for art, but could catch a barrel of pork by the chimds and throw it into a wagon all by her lone self." "And what makes you unhappy now*?" "The hungry waves ate into the beach e'en as the rhubarb pie is eat into by the laughing boy. The red flag of the auctioneer arose on the Du John tower of the big hotel. The kodak knocked the talents out of my pale, artist father and he took to drink. Rum entered his mouth and foolishly stole away his brains, returning them with thanks, however, on the Sappy—Yaas,.doncherknow, when that gweat, howwid footpad came at me 1 quite lost my head. Miss Pert—Indeed! How easily you escaped!—Lawrence American. Freddy Gazzam—Mamma, with mutton at fifteen cents a pound, what would Mary's little lamb come to? A Difficult Problem. Too Late. After the wedding ceremony a friend of the family took the father of the bride *part and whispered to him: "Yon do not seem to be aware that your son-inlaw is over head and oars in debt." Murderer (after aoquittal)—You are too hoarse to plead very effectively. Bard Work. Among the novelties of this organ will be a "Chinese gong," a chime of bells and three drum effects as follows: Long roll, bass dram and drum check. Many of the stops are entirely new in this country and some are original with the builders. A new feature is the inclosing of the choir organ in a seperate swell box, which, with the swell organ, will enable the organist to give very powerful and effective swell accompaniments. It is to be completed by September next, when the Tabernacle is to be ready for its reception.—New York World. Mrs. Gazcam—You must tell me how much the lamb weighed. How Women Should Sit. Women who sit with their legs crossed to sew or to read, or to hold the baby, ar* not aware that they are inviting serious physical ailments; bnt it is true, nevertheless. When a man crosses his legs ha places the ankle of one limb across the knee of the other, and rests it lightly there. A woman, more modest and restricted in her movements, rests the entire weight of on* limb on the upper part of the other, and this pressure upon the sensitive nerves and cords, if indulged in for continued lengths of time, as is often done by ladies who sew or embroider, will produce disease. Sciatica, neuralgia and other serious troubles frequently result from this simple cause. The muscles and nerves in the upper portion of a woman's leg are extremely sen- "K sitive, and much of her whole physical "0 structure can become deranged if they an overtaxed in the manner referred to.— Ladies' Home Journal. Lawyer—I know it, but it's very hard to make a good Bpeech when you've got two throats to clear.—Jester. Freddy—Oh, you don't need to know that. The lamb would come to Mary when she called it.—Munsey's Weekly. "Are you sure?" "Certain. He has only married your daughter with the object of paying off his creditors." Rupert—How kind Egbert is to scratch that poor strange dog's ear! Wilfred—Why, my dear boy, Eggie*s legs are so long he thinks he's scratching himself.—Puck. A Sincere Girl. "Miss Brown is a very sincere girl." The Baby of the Period. "Indeed! In what way?" Visitor (trying to amuse the baby)— See, baby, see. There goes the choochoo!"Why did you not mention betfore?"A "Turncoat." "Why, I asked her last night if she loved me, and she said 'No.'"—Harper's Bazar. "He owes me 5,000 reals!"—Calendario Bilbaino. It is said that the opprobrious epithet, turncoat, took its rise from one of the first dukes of Savoy, whose dominions were open to the contending powers of both Spain and France. Being subjected to frequent incursions of the rival powers, he was obliged to temporize and favor the powers alternately, as they seemed to be able or not to injure him. In order to carry out this arrangement to perfection he had a coat mad£ that was blue on one side and white on the other, so that it could be worn indifferently with either side out. When he was ostensibly on the side of Spain he wore the blue side out; when the French were to be propitiated he displayed the white side. He therefore became widely known as Emmanuel the Turncoat, and was thus distinguished from other princes of his house bearing the same name. Since the time of Emmanuel the epithet has been applied to those who turn their opinions to suit the occasion or their own personal Interests.—St. Louis Republic. following day." "And this business is not congenial to jrou'f "No, it is not. I pant for the smell of Jhe salt sea. In me dreams I hear the glad voices of Coney Island and recall those happy times when the beautiful South Beach on Staten Island had not robbed us of our bread and drawn away the merry throng. I also loved a fragile young street car driver on the Broadway line. He was a lala. He was an excellent horseman, and with the reins in his strong hands he did not fear the most fiery steed. I do not think he knew what fear was. I've seen a team cut up real mean with Hiram, but he never blanched. But one day as he was going home from Coney Island, whither he had went to breathe a few vows into my ear, a |Doliccman that weighed over 200 pounds, and who had not clubbed any one for so long that the other police Chaffed him and poked fun at him, decoyed Hiram into an alley and beat out quite a large quantity of his brains, from .the loss of which he never fully recov- rOUND IN THE SUGAB BOWL. Boston Baby (contemptuously)—Indeed! I had always been informed that that was a locomotive; but if I have been Inisinformed I thank you for the correction.—Lawrence American. Hill's Clever Pun. Wherever I have gone, so far, there seems to be much excitement over the census and its long list of rude and vulgar questions. I did not think that the new interrogations wofald be answered by enough people to make what answers ar.) given of any value whatever. I hope that every one who has any respect for hiutself remained silent on every question which referred to his own business and is nobody's else business. It will In Haste. Here is a clever pun from Rowland Hill: When at college, Hill had a conversation with some of his companions on the powers of the letter h, when it was contended that it was no letter, but a mere aspirate. Rowland took the opposite side, and insisted On its being, to all intents and purposes, a letter, and concluded by observing that if it were oot so, it was a very serious thing for him, as it would occasion his being ill all the days of his life. A Counter-Balance. Wife—Wait a moment, my dear. I want yon to mail a letter. I'm most through. Duration of Copyright. Lady Customer—This is such a very small bonnet. Man Milliner—Ah, yes, madame, but ze price is large.—Chicago Times. The original term of copvright runs for twenty-eight years. Within six months before the end of that time, the author or designer, or his widow or children, may secure a renewal for the further term of fourteen years, making forty-two years in all. Applications for renewal must be accompanied by explicit statement of ownership, in the case of the author, or of relationship, in the case of his heirs, and must state definitely the date and place of entry of the original copyright. Advertisement of renewal is to be made within two months of date of renewal certificate, in some newspaper, for four weeks. Strained Relations. Cumso—Do you see that man directly opposite? Wife—Indeed it is. I sent a telegram to Sister Lucy this morning, and now Pm writing to the telegraph operator in our town, telling him to hurry and deliver it.—New York Weekly. Husband—Important? An Old Story. Fangle—Yes. Lamb—Any rise in my S. B. and F. R N.? "We haven't spoken a single word to each other for several years." "What's the difficulty?' "We have never been introduced."— Munsby's Weekly. Broker — Yes. The whole company has gone up.—Puck. tench tho lunk head statistician that in a government of the people, by the people and for the people, capital punishment, or even corporal punishment, for failure to gratify the morbid curiosity of a "mean average" polyp does not obtain. Maine Geography. Mr. Webster Tracy, of Rome, has married Miss Carrie Adams, of Carthage. Thh classical event took place at Wilton, Ma. We would suggest that the "happy pair" so plan their wedding journey that they may spend a day or two in Athens, Belgrade, Corinth and Damascus; behold the glories of Etna, travel a bit in Egypt, indulge in sentimental reveries at Gilead, Hebron, Jerusalem and Lebanon; visit Mars Hill, see Naples, pause a while at Palmyra, pass through Poland, eat figs at Smyrna, and inspect the ruins at Troy and other famous old Maine towns ere they settle down for a quiet and uneventful lift in Amity, Friendship, Harmony, Hartland, Lovell, Moderation, Union or Unity. —Mt. Desert (Me.) Herald. They Agree. Robinson—I like an even tempered woman. Never IJIt It. Will—I generally aim at the truth. Bill—But you know, Will, you never were a good shot.—Yankee Blade. A Natural Mistake. Prior to the Proposal. Brown—So do I. Diner—Here, waiter, what on earth have you given me here? I called for tripe, but this is the stringiest stuff I ever encountered. Miss Railing—We're all athletic in our family. Sally is an A1 fencer, Molly is superb with the clubs and even mamma puts np the dumbbells. Robinson—There's my wife, for instance.Brown—And mine! The most even tempered woman in the world. She is always mad!—St. Louis Magazine. A Cure for Squinting. Of course the list of questions has brought forth other lists of interrogatories which are not official or authentic. Tho following lies before me as I write: TlDe Pedagogue Business. Waiter (after critical examination)— Just as I expected. That cook of ours is terribly nearsighted, and, instead of tripe, die's served up a piece of Turkish toweL Perhaps you'd like something else?—Tit-Bits. A cure for squinting, which is not so unsightly as the method at present generally adopted—black goggles with a hole in the center—is highly recommended. Let the person afflicted take any pair of spectacles that suits his sight, or even plain glass, and iii the center of one lens let him gum a small blue or black wafer, about the size of a ten pent piece. The result is that the double image vanishes, and the eye, without fatigue or hc.it, is forced to look straight, and with time and patience is cured. ! 'I ft - Ci b ■■ . i flip BTAn 1 "~S«y r • UU » 4 Garrison (to himself)—I wish I knew whether your old dad could put np the "rocks."—Judge. Caught a Monster Jewfish. Joseph B. Stonebreaker, residing at 1911 Eutaw place, has returned home from a trip to Florida. He brought with him the skin of a monster jewfish which he caught March 22. Mr. Stonebreaker and J.B.McKee were cruising in a small sloop yacht, when, being overtaken by stormy weather, they put into Sarasota pass. While lying there the sportsmen were told that it was a favorite fishing ground for jewfish. They got out their shark hook and line, and baiting with a mullet cast it out. In a moment it was taut. After considerable difficulty they got the line in and found a shark instead of a jewfish. As soon as they got him to the surface Mr. Stonebreaker fired five bullets into his head, and by using a hatchet extracted the hook. Fresh bait Was put on, and shortly after it was thrown out the bait was taken. "1. State your age at nearest birthday. (Honest, now.) A Wine Youth. "Spare the rod, spoil the child," observed little Tommy Toughnutt, as he surreptitiously removed his father's pole from the closet last Sabbath and struck a bee line for the creek.—Dry Goods Chronicle. "2. Married or single. If so, have you other husbands or wives living, and if so.dovou envv them their hanninesS? 3. Do yon come up nights or do you have to bo sent for? Miss Cassy Corda—You've broken my heairt! Torn Blunt—Oh, well; accidents will happen!—Puck. The Brute! * ?» ett i Not Losing His Mind. j " V rDat did you do then?" "I had to go out to seririoe, as they say in the F.ngliah books. I spent one summer, however, at Heidelberg, training my voice for chamberwork. Then I went to Milan, where I learned how to make up a bed with accordeon pleating across the top. I also learned how to give a bed an air of plumpness even When in a state of collapse. Now I can get a job any time. Yesterday I was -offered a job in a new play in New York. You know that all good plays liave a chainlDermaid in the first act that comes in acid claims to dost the furniture, and also wonders where the butler is. She | generally wears a solitairy alum ring, and don't know how to dust a chair no more than perdition could refrain from scorching a feather. So I can take that place and also throw out the villain at the closo of the act. for I inherited me motnera girt or strengtn togetner witn me father's love of art." "They tell me," said Peggleworth, speaking to his friend Simpson, "that Wilkins is losing his mind." "4. Axe you male or female. If so, what are your reasons for this course? Small Rhymes. Cruel Cynicism. C Editor—Did you come up on the elevator?"Yes, I heard so," Simpson answered, "but I do not belive it. I'll tell you why. The other day I met him in the street and asked him to lend me five dollars and he refused."—Arkansaw Traveler.Two years ago a colored woman slipped down on a street in Cincinnati. A white man, named James Taylor, assisted her to her feet, without reference to color or previous condition. Last week she died, and in her will she left him 13,000 in oold cash. Lots of chaps in Cincinnati are now walking around after colored women.—Detroit Free Press. Civility Pays. "5, If male, do you attribute it to heredity or to our republican form of government? As my wife and I, at the window one day The Largeit Steam Derrick. Stood watching a man with a monkey, A cart came by with a " broth of a boy," Who was driving a stout little donkey. The largest steam derrick in the world is said to be one used by a shipping company at Hamburg, Germany. It is kept at the docks and used in lifting immense weights on and off shipboard. It can pick up a ten wheeled locomotive with perfect ease. Mr. Shakfellow—Why, yes, sir. "0. What is your salary? "7. Do you draw it all at the end of the week op give orders on the cashier before pay day? Picaqlio Dan—What d' yer learn'm here? To my wife I then spoke, by way of a Joke:— Editor—I thought possibly you might have used the poem. It is light enough. —Once A Week. "There's a relation of yours in that carriage. To which she replied, as the donkey she spied, "Ah, yes, a relation—by marriage!" —New York Herakl. The Teacher—Reading, writing, arithmetic and algebra. Thin Boarder—I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half starved. Secret of Success. "8. Do you keep a milch cow? If so, has she ever been a mother? Picacho Dan—I kinder like th' sound of that last one. Run this kid on that till this bag of dust gives out, an' then I'll run in ao' stake him fer one of th* other fakes.—Puck. Excepting to the Bullng. Proper Use of the Word "Marry," A man sat down on a hornet's nest; Quick his form uprose and felL It rose like a shot, but it didn't rise One half as high as his yell. Mamma (sternly)—Don't you know that the great King Solomon said, "Spare the rod and spoil the child?" The fishermen thought it was the mate of the shark they had hooked and began to pull him in vigorously. When they got their fish near the surface he made a flirt, ftftd leaping upward showed them what sort of a fish be was. They then used all their skill, and after forty-five minutes' work landed the jewflsh. It measured 6 feet 10 Inches in length and 59 inches in circumference. After getting him to the surface one of the boatmen passed a rope through his gills and out of his mouth. The throat halliards were bent on, and two men were required to hoist the fish on deck. Mr. Mc- Kee took a photograph of the fish, which weighed about 450 pounds. Mr. Maull, who is piscatorial authority, says the skin is from the largest specimen he has rver seen. —Baltimore Sun. Richard Grant White says that the proper form in announcing a marriage id to •ay, "Married Mary Jones to John Smith." To marry is to give or to be given to a husband. The woman is married to the man. A Swiss Hunter's Danger. "!). Are your parents living, and if so, aro tliey self supporting? A short time ago a hunter on the shore of the Lake of Wallenstadt, in Switzerland, discovered the nest of a pair of thoee destructive birds, the "lammergelers," a species of vulture. He shot the male, which stood on a projecting rock near the nest, and then made his way cautiously along the precipice, with a view to taking the young birds. "10. Do you make your own soap or buy it at tho store? Bobby—Huh! But he didn't say that until he was growed upl—Puck. D —Philadelphia Timea Fat Boarder—I court the cook.—New York Weekly. "11. Did you consider your parents during their lifetime as respectable people?Like Axle Grease. Customer (in Boston restaurant)—Do yon get this butter here in Boston? Waiter—Yes, sir.' "Please give rae a copper, sir?" Was the beggar's pleading wail. But the copper came with club in hand And mar&ed him oft to jail. ,Mr. Hayseed (stopping at the door of statuary room, museum of art)—I wonder what's in here? At the Metropolitan Museum. Cordial, bat Illogical, Apprentice Stokers. "12. If you produce your own soap, "would you mind giving the recipe? "13. Have you any good chewing tobacco with you? Jones was quite struck by the appear ance of a guest at an evening party whose name he did not know, but whose face was familiar. It is said that the English government will, at the beginning of the next financial year, enter 2,000 boys as apprentices in the navy, and it is suggested that 500 of these be set to work in the stoko hole, engineers in the navy now complaining that it is almost impossible to get good firemen on a man-of-war. In the Italian navy a steamer is kept constantly in commission for the sole purpose of training stokers before they are put upon the regular vessels of the navy.—New York Sua. Customer—Thought so. It tastes as though it was right out of the hub.— Jester. He was close upon the nestlings when to his consternation the mother lammergeier rose up from a rock, flew at him furiously, and fastened upon his arm. The hunter was in imminent danger of falling upon the rocks more than 100 feet below. He remained cool and self possessed, and clung to the cliff for dear life with one hand, the other being powerless in the grasp of the vulture. A Coming Event. Mrs. Hayseed (hastily)—Hush! Come on! They ain't got them gals ready for exhibition yet.—New York Weekly. Mrs. Uptown—What have you in that dear little jewel case, John? "Beg pardon," he said, going up to him, "I think we have met before." "That is my impression." "It wasn't at New Orleans, was it?" "No; I've never been there." "Nor I either," replied Jone3in a burst of illogical enthusiasm.—Judge. * "And so yon would laave this profession which ybo now adorn?" "14. Have yon any hereditary dlBease which you would like to mention to the American i»eople through the census bu- He Had Done the Job Himself. Mr. Uptown (just home from business! —A piece of ice, my life. "Yes, I am tired of waiting on my inferiors and making np beds for disagreeable people, in whom I take no interest, to muss again." . She then gathered np her traps and started for the door, bnt before she did bo she told me in a few well chosen words, taken from the best Fireside Stjpry paper, mingled with Coney Islai :didiojms, how she yearned to be shet of the thialldom of hotel life and to once more be free. I think aha will go on the stage. I would not.be surprised if, as a result pf it, the stags takes to its wings and flies. At the hotel table yesterday I saw a tsce that I had seen before, but I rould not remember when. I have no4r reached that age where I prevaricate in that direction some, for I cannot remember names any mom, and so when this gentleman bowed I did «o,and we talked On pleasantly. Ha asked me all about Buffalo Bill and fivtart Bpenrwr and "No," he said, with angry emphasis, "I'm not a man a woman can make a fool of." Such Is Fate. rean? Mrs. Uptown- What! You refused to buy me that diamond necklace at Whiffany's and now indulge in the extravagance of ice? (Dissolves in tears.)—New York Herald. "Higbup, the fanions bridge jumper, la dead," "That so? What did he die of?" "Fell out of a horw car. "—Lowell Citizen."15. Are you a believer in a burning hell with a good draught to it, and if so, whom would you like to meet there beside the f ram era of these interrogatories?" "Of course not, Mr. Hotspur," she replied, in a soothful way; "of douree not; you are a self made man."—Washington Star. An Usher's Trick. The agricultural estimates of the French financial department for the current year present some interesting features. Wolves continue .to be still a serious danger and annoyance. The French budget accordingly includes a vote of £2,300, to be employed in hunting down and destroying them. More than seven hundred head of wolves are known to be killed annually in France. About £02, 000 pounds is to be spent during the year in measures against phylloxera and other in sects; £80,000od(J in encouraging horse breed ing; £50,000for tyjvin| horses and mares for the stud farms; £78,000 in encouraging agri cultural improvements and drainage; £00,- 000 toward agricultural education; £55,000 in aid of various agricultural institutions, and about £40,000 in veterinary education, besides which £106,000 is to be (riven toward water engineering, irrigation and prevention of floods. Wild Beasts In France. The magnificent library of Comte Osborne, estimated by connoisseurs to be worth over 2,000,000 francs, was completely destroyed by fire. Among the priceless treasures it contained were numerous unique documents in connection with the Cromwell period, the restoration of the Stuarts, etc., and documents concerning the history of Spain and Italy. Some of these had cost their owner at much as 40,000 trancs.—Paris Letter Valuable Books Destroyed. Fortunately, he had his fowling pieO# •lung over his shoulder. He reached cautiously up, placed it against the face of the rock, and pointed it at the breast of the bird. With his toe he dexterously touched the trigger and luckily killed the lammergeier. Eveu then he was quite unable to free the vulture's claws from their hold on his sleeve and arm, standing, as he did, on the narrow ledge, where any movement mi difficult and dangerous. The arm to whisk the bird clung was on the side next tho cliff, partially supported by the nest, otherwise the dying struggles of the lamxnargeier must have palled him down upon the rocks. The Vienna coffee and their fanciful little ziminel8 and bread are all well renowned. Their coffee is doubtless the best in the world. It is made by percolation with boiling water. The coffee is not allowed to l*oiI, but every iota of strength and ilavor gets into your cup. With each cup in served boiling milk, with a little whipped cream on top. Squeers—How is it that Cutely always gets the prettiest girl at church t J escort home? Da Ought to Have Locked That Up, Too, Business Manager—Brown writes us to stop his subscription to the paper. A Slgli for "Constant Reader." A French paper thus refers to a recent murder: "The miscreant was evidently In search of money, but M. Durand had prudently deposited all his cash in the, bank, and consequently lost, only his life." Editor— Dear me; that's bad! Nickleby — Easily usher. enough; he's Business Manager—Well, what are you looking so blue about? I suppose we can get along without Brown. "But I don't see"  lDenM. "You don't? Why, Cutely always escorts all his rivals to the very front seats, so that they have to be the last out of church. In the meanwhile he takes his pick of the girla."—Lawrence American. Mr. Smithers (on being aaked if ha objected to wigs)-Why, Ti sooner dys than to wear one. Mrs. Snoopers (who can'* tell a joke, to gentleman who has Joined group to ask what the fun is about)-Why, some one wanted to know of Mr. Smithers if ha would wear a wig, and he declared thai death would be preferable.—Harper's Bazar. Editor—Oh, yes; but I was just thinking how hard it would be on Smith. He was absolutely dependent on that paper. One Thing to Be Remembered. On his recent interstate journey President Carnot made the acquaintance at Aries, in southern France, of a young gentleman of 5 years, who wore a medal for Baving a little playmate from drowning in the canal. The small hero's mother had saved so many lives that her breast was completely covered with medals and ribbons of honor. "Would any shock, at this stage of my trouble, cause a relapse, doctor?" inquired the patient. A young gentleman doctor says he believes women physicians are very thorough in their medical studies generally, because a woman has so much natural curiosity that when she gets hold of a little knowledge of anything she never stops prying till she knows it all. "Is that cement any good?" asked a prospective purchaser of a peddler. "Any goodl" was the reply. "Why, you oould mend the break of day with that cement."—Harper's Bazar. Hyperbole. "Smithers was arrested for running off with Bronson's daughter." "Eloping isn't a crime." "No; but miss-appropriation is."— Harper's Bazar. Guilty. He began shouting for help, wad finally succeeded in calling a passing shepherd to his aid. He was soon freed from hi* dangerous position, and carried home two young birds as trophies of his adventure,—. Chicago Mail. "Yes, and a serious one." "Please then, doctor, to remember that important fact in making out your bill." —Flietrende Blaetter. .... i-D V I •