Pittston Gazette

              I Oldest Newsoaoer in the Wyoming Valley. PITTSTON, LUZERNE CO., PA., FRIDAY, MAY 23, 1890. A Weekly Local and Familv lournal. I"".'™.""" Matilda an' Other Women. I thought all gals wux jest alike. and being bitterly disappointed in them had no doubt failed to return them. to st'ady the trail ot the bear and neglect his soul, whUe we are enabled with lights ning calculate the movements of the planets and throw salt on the tail of the most restless comet? Sometimes it hardly seems right. CRADLED ArtlONu ICEBERGS. thorough treatment pcstivtly cures. Prito 60 cent*. : HE GRINNED AT HENNIFIN. ' CONQUERED HIMSELF, THE HORSE AUCTIONEER Therefore, "Doe," as he was affectionately called by the widowers through the neighborhood, was entirely unfit to prescribe. He did so, however, just the same. That kind of a doctor is generally willing to rush in where angels fear to treai. He cheerfully prescribed for the boy and, in fact, filled the prescription himself. The principal ingredient of this compound was carbolic acid. A man who can, by mistake, administer carbolic acid and not even smell it must do his thinking by means of a sort of intellectual wart. A Young Whaleman's Remarkable Story ,A Pol Neman's Impetuous Action Whleh Cost tlie City a Quarter. Policeman llennilin, active and watchful of the public welfare, saw a cabman whipping a horse. ODDS AND ENDS. And full er saucy snap an' sniggle, Uv ribbons an' rings an' them sorter tilings, of n Spectral 1 rozun Ship. Religious Liberty In Russia. Ha Hod the Flesh Under Thorough Sutv fa an Emergency He Is Called In to Sell Japanese chickens, with tails from 11 to 13 feet long, are being imported into this country. Uv gush, an' gossip, an' giggle; All little sorter silly buds Who moa'ly talked er dress an' duds. Although the sea has not tho diversity of the land, being destitute of mountains and valleys, forests and deserts, it is none the lees the scene of romance and mystery. "A most remarkable story of a spectral frozen ship, cradled among the icebergs of the Arctic regions, and floating, deserted and alono, throughout those frozen sens, has been brought to New London by a young whaleman who has recently returned from a three years' cruise in Behring sea. The arbitrary measures now being adopted by the Russian government for the complete Russianization of tho German elements in the Baltic provinces aro arousing a very strong foeling among tb»Russo-Germans. The most exasperating of these measures is perhaps the attempt at wholesale prosely tism now being made among the Lutherans by the missionary agents of tho holy synod. The Baltic Lutherans resent these proselytizing missions as more unjust and coercive than any similar measures ever adopted against th-i Catholics in Poland. "So you wish to learn Christian science," said a teacher of that "doctrine" to a lank fellow that had applied for tuition. jectlon at Laat. The regular auctioneer was ill and in the emergency the auctioneer from the horse stables across the street consented to act in his place. A big crowd of people filled the room to bid on a lot of household goods that had been advertised for sale. A piano was the first thing offered. a Piano. The appearance of the gu rds' sentries In Loudon, armed with the new inag&zine rifle and short sword bayonet, excites much conversation among military men. All kinder purty little dolls. Chockfull er chirrup an' er chatter, Whose talk er balls an' fol-de-rols "What are you doing there?" the policen t i called. Would never spile the brain's gray matter; I thought so till the other day, Until I foun' Matilda Bray. "Don't you see what I am doing?" "Yes, I do." "Then why do you ask me?" "Yes, sir. What are your terms?" "Five dollars for three lessons." "All right; I'll take the first lesson right now." The ancient Greeks used olive leaves for ballots, and the Australian voting system is a revival of tl*3 practice in Rome 2,000 years ago. P. S.—I will epeak still further of Puget sound in my next letter, together with its great possibilities, resources and Now, 'Tilda don't seem like the rest. It seems to me she's jest perfection, An' I git'red es a strawberry be3 The policeman got in the cab and ordered the fellow to drive to the Harrison street station. The next morning the cabman was arraigned before court, and when the judge asked who had made the arrest, Ilennifin stepped forward and said: "You impudent rascal, I'll run you in." The teacher then began to lay down the principles of the "science." "You must first learn," said he, "to conquer self." "Now, ladies and gents," said the horse auctioneer, as he mounted the block, "I wish to call yer attention to dia magnificent pianer-forte. I have its pedigree here, which will be furnished to the purchaser, an' he will be surprised at what he has bought. I would call yer particular attention to its color—a beautiful mahogany bay, one of the most beautiful and desirable colors dat kin be selected. Dis pianer hasn't got a spot or blemish. It is warranted to work double or single. Examine it closely for ringbone, spavin or quarter crack. Will some one in the audience please step to de front and test its wind?" Paris cab fares will no longer be a franc and a half for all distances, but the distance is to be accurately measured by an apparatus in the cab, and the charge is to be seventyfive cents for the first kilometer and twenty-  five cents per kilometer for any further dls- \ tance. '■ liabilities. B. N. One day in the early part of May, 1886, a man named Leavitt, who has charge of tho Pacific Steam Whaling company's statioh at Cape Smith, nine miles to the southwest of Point Barrow, was astonished to see a ship Standing toward the shore, about a mile in tho offiing, hemmed in by towering icebjfgs. If she jest turns In my direction; An' then my heart it thumps an' thump*, Like one er them hydraulic pumps. Tho government has made the discovery that a very unusual number of meetings of tho Roman Catholic clergy have lately taken place in the Polish provinces on the pretext of celebrating certaiu saints' days, which number something like 250 a year. A keen watch is kept on the Roman Catholic clergy, whoso influence beyond the pale of their church it is sought to restrict in every possible way, and, therefore, the minister of the interior has issued orders that no religious ccrcmonies in Poland, accompanied by meetings of tho Roman Catholic clergy, shall take place without the express authorization of tho local authorities, and tho prcseuce at such meetings of a Russian official.—Odessa Cor. London Standard. But he did it anyhow. HARD ON THE DUDE "All right," the pupil answered. An' I jest tol' her yesterday "You're different frum other wimmin, Whose min's are a pack er bric-a-bric. An' frills, an' furbelows, an' trimmin';" She looked at me, half gay, half glad: "You think so cos you've mot 'em bad." —a W. Foss to Yankee Blade. So, after great suffering, the young fellow lost the use of his entire esophagus, the lining coming off as a result of this liquid holocaust, and then afterward growing together again. Mr. Ourley Would Not Say the Word to "You must exterminate every human desire; must give yourself up to the ruling of your spirit instead of yielding to a single impulse of the bt/dv." Clear Him from Suspicion. Tho commencement of a complete history of all the wars in which Russia has engaged since the time of Peter the Great is announced from St. Petersburg. It wi". be edited by Gen. Leer, who will be assisted by some of the best known Russian authorities on military matters. A new mineral has been discovered in the vicinity of the little town of Homer, Ky., and the inhabitants of that place expect to realise million** The :.»jstauce discovered is a Mack, pitchy formation, and is of a loamy appearance. When placed in the fire it burns with a clear, steady flame, and makes a brilliant white light. It is entirely consumed by btuning, leaving no ashes or clinkers. The annual catch of fish in the European and North American coasts is computed by a German statistician to amount to 150,000 tons. A ton of fish corresponds with twentyfive sheep in weight and with twenty sheep in nourishing gpwer. Therefore the total European and North American catch equals in number 42,000,000 sheep and in nourishing power 30,000,000. "I was drifting down Rice street yesterday afternoon," said the Hon. Erastus Gurley, "on my way from Summit avenue to the Merchants, when I observed a lady about sixty feet ahead, upon the skirt of whose dress a piece of barrel hoop had caught. Between me and the lady was a dude, gotten up in an ornate toilet, smoking the conventional cigarette and hugging the conventional cane. He, too, also observed the barrel hoop. I'm not a mind reader, but I can pretty closely guess what passed through the light and airy nothing which the dude thinks is his mind. He instinctively thought to step on the hoop and thus relieve the lady of the incongruous appendage. Well, to make a long story short, ho did so—and the lady was brought up standing in the middle of the sidewalk. A shingle nail in the hoop had caught in the braid of the young lady's dress, and iue dude's weight on the hooplield her fast, checked up, as it were, like ahorse. Leavitt had spent the winter in tho ice, and the appearance of a ship there, at such an unusual time of the year, nearly scared him cut of his wits. Visions of that fabled ship, the Flying Dutchman, darted across his mind, but he finally recovered himself, and walked down toward tho beach. As ho did so, the fabric drew nearer to the land. "Your honor, I saw this man whipping his horse and I arrested him." "All right," the student agreed. The parents now decided to change physicians. So after giving "Doc" a cow and settling up with him another physician was called in. He said there wae no way but to reach the ftomach from the exterior, and, although hazardous, it might save the patient's life. Speedy action must be taken, however, as the young man was already getting up quite an appetite. "And your honor," the cabman broke In, "I whipped him because he kicked me. There's not a man in this town that's been kinder to a horse then I've beea to this one, and under the circumstances I had a right to whip him." "Well," the teacher one day remarked when the term had been completed, "I think that you are now prepared to graduate with honors." NYE AT I'uurJ SOO "All right; much obliged." HE FINDS REAL ESTATE QUITE ACTIVE, ALSO A BEAR. He says it made a charming picture to his famished eyes, appearing as if formal of frosted glass. "But have you not forgotten something?"* the teacher asked when the student had started out. "That may be," the judge answered, "but I am compelled to fino you, even though the amount be merely nominal. I will therefore assess your fine at fifty cents." A young man who combed his hair pompadour and had a wild look in his eyes elbowed through the crowd, and, taking a 6eat on the stool, ran his fingers over the keys, then through his pompadour, hitched the stool a little closer, found one of the pedals and began to thump out a tune. The mass continued to approach him, and he finally made out the complete outlines of the full rigged ship Young Phoenix, a vessel with which he was familiar. The Attention of Medical Men-Called to "Yes, you have forgotten to pay me the five dollars." "No, reckon not." s Boy Who Eats Through n runnel as a Consequence of Employing a lloctor. Musing on the Bed Man. I can imagine Old Man Gastric sitting there patiently, day after day, every littfe while looking at his watch and wondering as he sang: The Germ of Yellow Fever. She was a whaler of 335 tons, from Now Bedford, and was lost in the ice pack in the Arctic over a year ago. Sho was crushed and set to leaking by the ice, so that it became necessary to abandon her hastily, %s she was thought to be sinking. This occurred a long distance to tlv» north of Point Barrow. Dr. Geoige M. Sternberg, surgeon in the United States army, recently returned from a six months' stay in Cuba, where be has been continuing his researches with reference io yellow fever. He brought with him specimens of microbes, with whick. ho will continue lib investigations duriug the winter at the Johns Hopkins university. At the eud of this timo he hopes to present a general report of his investigations to President Harrison. ''My researlshes," says Dr. Sternberg, "have aot led to a positive demonstration of the specific onus) of the disease; but I have isolated a considerably number of pathogenies bacilli, disease prodflMng germs, from the intestines of yellow , fever cases, and hava strong hopes that dpe or more of these may prove to bo the specific germ. I have confirmed my previous Conclusions as to the absence of a previous micro-organism in the blood and tissues of the patients, and have (ailed to find in any of my cases the germ which Dr. Frere, of frazil, baa claimed to be the cause of the disease. For this reason I have given my attention to the bacilli of the alimentary canal. "—Exchange. "All right," the cabman replied, and I wish to present a bill for seventy-five cents against the city." "Oh, you see, I had & strong desire to pay you—a very strong desire of the flesh, as it were—but h«ve succeeded in conquering all that sort of thing. So long."—Arkansaw Traveler. Puget sound is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful sheets of watA in the world. Its bosom is as unruffled as that of an angel who is opposed to ruffles on general principles. [Copyright by Eggar W. Nye.] We are waiting, waiting, waiting. "What for?" the judge asked. "For hauling this policeman to the sta- Finally, as he sits near the cardiac orifice, where fie sign has been recently put up, "What do you think of dat lick, ladies an' gents?" said tho auctioneer, as he looked triumphantly around the room. "Ever see anyt'ing purtier den dat in yer lives? Never a skip or a break. Dat gait's good fer 2:20 anywhere. Now, what am I bid? Remember, whoever buys dis pianer buys a pedigree a yard long." tion." When Leavitt sighted her she lay cradled immovably, with her deck just above the level of the icy valley where she reclined. Her three masts towered aloft with still perfect rake, and shrouds, backstays, bracks ttnd stays covered with ice coatings in fantastic shapes, brought' out in the sunlight in bold and beautiful relief against the blue mountains of ice behind. "Did he bring you in his cab?" the judge asked of the policeman. Sure aa Taxes. At least three large cities will be tributary to the sound, I am rare, viz., Tacoma, Seattle and Port Townsend. I will speak of each more fully in another letter. To say that real estate is active is just simply about as powerful as the remark made by the frontiersman who came home from his haying one after- THE ELEVATOR IS NOT RUNNING, "Your honor, I arrested him, and instead of calling a patrol wagon I thought the easiest would be to have him drive down here and"  Jones was congratulating Mrs. Simpkins on her luxurious home and the many comforts of life that she enjoyed, as Simpkins was in receipt of a large salary.a light bursts through the walls of his house and he hears voices. Hastilj throwing one of the coats of the stomach over hia shoulders, he springs to his feel just in time to catch about a nickel's worth of warm beef tea down the back of kis neck. For about a thousand years northern Siberia has exported a large amount of ivory to Russia. And at present it is estimated that a hundred pairs of tusks are fotfad every twelve months and shipped to the czar's commercial centers. Tho English postal department is advertising for bids for the carrying of by coacheSTjct ween London and several near by places. The coaches are to run only at night and to take the mails which now go by train. There are now several mail routes in the United Kingdom where the mails are carried by coaches, although the routes are parallel by railroads, and it looks as if tho department was seeking to enlarge this branch of the service. The grounds on which the White House now stands were once the orchard of David Burns, an old Scotch farmer, whose cabin still stands in lonely obscurity a few squares back from the executive mansion. ( It is said that Washington, when engaged in laying out the city, had many a long and bitter quarrel with Burns before he could persuade the old mil to sell his land, even though it would be used in future for the home of the presidents. The original flag of England was the banner of St. George, i.e., white with a red cross, which, on April 13, 1G06, three years after James I ascended the throne, was incorporated with the banner of Scotland—a blue with a diagonal white cross. This combination was named tho "Union Jack,"in to the union with Scotland, and the word Jack is probably a corruption of Jacobus, Jacques or James. The gorgeous rail way train which the queen and king of Italy had built for their journey to Berlin was burned in the Florence railway station. The cost of th9 train was more than 70,000 lire. It was furnished with a wealth of gold and silver ornaments, and waa with the most costly Upholstery. Host of the presents intended for the Berlin court had already been placed on it. Only a few of the most valuable bits of tableware and about a third of the presents were saved. " 'Please step off from my dresa, sir,' said the lady. "The dude jumped back about six feet and exclaimed: "Give liim seventy-five cents," said the judge. "Yes, Mr. Jones; it's all very well as long as it lasts, but what would happen if Simpkins should take it into his head to die?* The ladies in the crowd looked at the auctioneer in some wonderment, and taking this for silent admiration he directed his remarks to them directly: The cabman received the money, placed fifty cents on tho judge's desk, put twenty-five cents in his own pocket, grinned at Policeman Hennifin and •trode out.—Arkansaw Traveler. " 'Pardon me, mad'  The silent ship lay stern to the sea, abcot fifty yards from it, and slightly heeled to port. The prismatic effects of the spectral scene were heightened by heavy burdens of snow, which cumbered the decks, the hawser and the sails of the vessel. Two of the sa were shaking their stiffened tatters idly in the breeze, while the rest had the snug man-%D'- war furl of a year before, and were frozju tightly to the yards. Tho vessel looked literally a ship of ice, for all the world like the toy ship enshrouded in crystals by the gl,%ss blower's art. The patient now wears about two feel of inch hose, one end of which is introduced into the upper and anterior lobe of the stomach. In the other he wears a plain cork stopper. I asked him il he would join me in a drink of watei from the ice cooler, and he said he would under the circumstances. He said thai he had just taken one, but would nol mind taking one more with me. He then disarranged his clothing, took out hit new Goodyear esophagus, and, removing the stopper, inserted a neat little tin funnel with which he was able to introduce the water. It gently settled down and disappeared in his depths, and then, putting affray the garden hose, he accepted a dollar and gave me -arliistory of the case as I have set forth above, or sub stantially so at least. " 'Impertinent puppy 1* replied the lady, turning contemptuously away, as though to pursue her way, the hoop dancing merrily along in her trail. "My dear madam," exclaimed Jones in one of those prophetic outbursts for which he is noted, "in that case you would certainly become a widow."— Judge. !  "Now, ladies, here's a pianer dat I kin recommend to yer on de dead square. Dis is a single foot instrument dat doesn't shy or scare at de cars. Jest as easy as a rockin' chair. Gentle as a lamb. Doesn't kick or bite. Will de gent let 'er go 'round once more for de benefit of de ladies?" "'But, madam, allow me to explain,' persisted the dude. Accepted with Thanks. " 'I will hand you over to the first policeman I meet if you do not instantly cease your annoyance.' They Were Contagious. "Is that your dog?' asked one leisurely looking man of another on Pennsylvania avenue. "Yes." "The dude turned to me, as I had by hud 4iasro caught up with the pair, and ■aid: Fish Charms. Fish charms have be«h met with among many nations. The called the bullhead (s used by some of Russian peasants of a charm against fever. Many kinds of fish have two hard bones just within the sides of the head, and one species, the miagre, has these bones larger in proportion than most others. These two bo Bee, called colic stones, are regarded to possess medicinal virtues. They were mounted in fiohl and hung round the neck.—Troy Tim* The young man on the stool "let 'er go" again, this time pounding out "Where Is My Wandering Boy To-night?" and several other things of equal artistic merit. Plucking up his courage, Leavitt finajy went out to the ice pack and boarded the ship. He found everything intact upon the decks just as it had been left. Not even the polar bear or the Arctic fox had paid her a visit, and the ropes were coiled on the belaying pins as the crew had placed them. There  no traces of the boats, which had evidently been torn from the ship's davits by the ioe; but the great quilt of snow which enshrouded the Young Phoenix from stem to stern revealed the figuration of the hatches and paraphernalia, which showed that she had no tune since desertion been rolling in seas heary enough to disturb any of her fittings. I* is supposed, in fatt, that she was picked up free from the water by the same ice pack which crushed her. "Good dog?" " 'Aw—would you mind explaining the honesty of my intentions to the lady? "I took in the situation at a glance and replied: "Yes; I expect to make a ratter of him." "Now, ladies and gents," said the auctioneer, when the young man paused for breath, "dat's a performance dat speaks for itself. Remember dis pianer is jest off of grass. Hasn't been handled for six months. What am I bid?" "Ever catch anything?" "Yes." " 'I know notl .ng concerning your intentions and see nothing to explain.' "What did he catch?" "Fleas."—Washington Post. "With that the lady Bwept away, and the dude collapsed. The hoop had become disengaged from the dress braid, having caught on the fence, and to this moment she is «£ blissful ignorance of the dude's good intentions."—St. Paul Pioneer Press. But there was no bid. A lady was out house hunting with her husband. Every place they went to Bhe was particular to ask if the air was good. Finally ber husband said: Particular About the Air. The ladies went out of the room by twos, threes and fours, and left only the men to enliven the occasion by calling out, "Let 'er go once under the saddle," etc.—New York World. I could not help thinking of him after ward. He dwelt in my mind in a curious way. I tried to imagine him on his way to Europe, over a stormy sea; the surprise of his stomach when it found itself frustrated and beaten at its own game, and all that. Then I thought oi him as the honored guest of some great corporation or club and at the banquet, when the president, in a few well choser words, apparently born of the moment, but really wearing trousers, says, "Gentlemen, we have with us this afternoon, etc., etc.," and then rising, all the members join in a toast to the guest. Touching his glass to theirs and then, gracefully unreeling his garden hose, he takes from his pocket a small funnel and, gently sipping the generous wine through his tin pharynx, he begins his well digested response. A family in Henry canity, Ga., consists of three mothers, three sous, two grandmothers, three grandsons, one great-grandmother, one daughter-in-law, one husband, one granddaughter-in-law, two brothers, one daughter, two great grandsons, one wife, two widows, luio grandmotber-in-law and there are only tlx in the'family. WE SCARED UP A BEAR. "Why are you so infernally particular to ask about the air? You ought to know that the air is good in all these places." noon and found that the Indians had burned up his buildings, massacred his wife, driven off his milch cows and killed his children. He looked over the bloody scene, and then said to himself with great feeling: "This, it seems to me, is perfectly ridiculous." Nofl-dllpptng Pavement. 'crmi it me, im"  Abave Filthy Lucre. Heiress—And you are sure you are marrying me for myself alone? Binks—Can you ask? ao Kuglish journal says of a new "non-slipping wood block pavement": The first experiment for public roads is about to be tried in Wellington street, Strand. The object of this paving is to give a more secure foothold to horses, and at the same time to allow of noiseless traffic. The smooth surface of wood and asphalt affords no adequate foothold, and throws a severe strain upon the muscles of the legs and back of a horse, particularly at starting. Various remedies have been proposed to overcome these difficulties. The use of sand sprinkled on the road is an expensive cure, it always leaves the street in a very djrty state. The roadway now being introduced by Mr. Melling consists of wood blocks or cubes, which have been hardened by a new and secret process. The cubes are bedded upon concrete, and the upper corners are chamfered. Where two blocks come together a groove is formed, which gives an increased footbold for the horses, and at the same time affords a means of drainage for the surface of the roadway. It is stated that the cost of the roadway is less than that of asphalt.—London Letter. Leavitt went down into the ship's cabin and found several articles, which be dragged over the fields of ice to his boat, and conveyed to the shore. "I want to be sure of it," replied the woman, "for air is about all your family gets to live on."—New York World. Reporters in Russia. Tht. Ct. Petersburg journalists, Russian ana otherwise, who are admitted to* court festivities have just sent a cur'oui petition to the czar. They ask to be allowed to wear on their dress coats some small ornament with the name of the paper they represent inscribed on it, by which they might be recognized as representatives of the press. The czar has at once granted the request, and at the next court ball all the bona fide journalists will appear adorned with their new badge. No one but an accredited representative of a paper will be allowed to wear the badge, the raison d'etre for which appears to be the fact that not unfrequently a number of gentlemen had gained admittance as pressmen who were much better acquainted with the art of blacking hoots than with that- of furnishing newspaper reports. —Montreal Star. Heiress—My wealth counts nothing to you? He would have continued stripping tho vessel, but the ice floe containing her drifted off shore on tho following day. It remained in sight several days afterwards, and then vanished to the northward. Expecting Too Much from It. "Grindstone, I don't take much stock in the idea that a fish diet builds up the brain. I've lived on fish, fish, fish for three straight weeks and I feel less like doing mental labor than I did before I began. Fish phosphorus is a humbug." Bin ks—Nothing. I drove oat with a real estate man for two days at Seattle, not buying, but just riding and enjoying the scenery while we allowed prices gently to advance and our whiskers to grow. Finally I asked him if he knew of a real "snap," as Herbert Spencer would call it, within the reach of a poor man. He said there was a bargain out toward Lake Washington, and if I wanted to see it we would go out there. I said I would like to Bee it, for, if really desirable, I might buy some outside property. We drove quite awhile through the primeval forest, and after baiting our team and eating some lunch which we had with as we resumed our journey, scaring up a bear on the way, which I was assured, however, was a tame bear. At last we tied the team, and, walking over the ridge, we found a lot facing west, 73 feet front, which could be had then at $1,600. I don't suppose yon could get it at that now, for it is within a stone's throw of the power house and cable running to Lake Washington from the city. A friend of mine was telling about how he lost a trade in Spokane Falls. He had the refusal for a week of a 24 foot business lot "at $800." He thought and worried and prayed over it and wrote home about it and finally decided to take it. On the last day of grace he counted up his money and finding that he had just the amount, he went over to the agent's office with it to close the trade. Heiress—Then we can be all in all to each other. I have just given the whole of my million to the Home for Pauper Lunatics. (Whither Binks was brought shortly afterwards.)—Munsey's Weekly. Various theories are advanced us to the probable course the Young Phoenix will now take, uud as to liow long it will be before she is seen again. It is very likely, old Arctic whalemen say, that the island of ice now surrounding her will be built up by the-addition of floating masses, and in tiino she may become a fixture somewhere around the north pole, dry docked in the ice, for it is said that hi those remote regions Ice may possess an age of hundreds of years, and may be continually accumulating in one quarter while breaking off and dissipating in another. "Kiljordan, you have been expecting too much from it. Phosphorus only stimulates the brains. It won't create them."—Chicago Tribune. He Could Drive. The first colonel of the First Maine was bluff John Goddard. In his 3 days he had been a successful lumb eccentric, but farced for the skill witl he managed the various men in his err Late one fall in the "fifties" a your tall, awkward and bashful, presented at the lumberman's office, and asked  ploy merit as a teamster. "Do you know how to drive oxenf" asked Goddard. -"I ruther guess so," was the diffident reply. "Well, now, suppose I was a yoke of pxen," said Goddard, humorously, and he got down upon "all fours" on the office floor. "Now, suppose I wouldn't haul, let me see what yon would do to make me come up under the yoke." The youth objected at first, but when he was told that his winter's work depended upon the trial he took the long bradded goad, with which oxen are prodded in Maine, and began to flourish it over the kneeling lumberman's head. "Hish, Brighil get up there, Golden! coma here, Star! gee off, there!" he yelled in turn, but never a move did Goddard make. This was repeated with variations, the young teamster warming to his work as his embarrassment lessened. Finally he loct patience with the obdurate "team," and inserted tha steel brad into Goddard's trousers. The coming cavalry colonel rose in a harry and the Yankee was hired at his own price, and proved to be the beet teamster in the gang of woodsmen that winter. When the cavalry regiment was organized the teamster went to the front as a private, and when he fell, fighting under Grant, he wore a set of lieutenant's epaulettes on his shoulder*— Youth's Companion. De Sappington—I never did like that poem of Longfellow's beginning "The Day is Done." Its first line has a most disagreeable sound. Poetry and Finance. Nature did not do much for this pool lad, but science has stepped in and made him prominent. He went to bed unknown. He awoke to find himself noted. He went to sleep with ordinary tastes. He arose with no taste at all. Thus, through the medical treatment of a typhoid idiot, for a disease which was in no way malignant or, as I might say, therapeutic, he becomes a man of parts and stands next to the nobility of Europe, not having to work. Hospitable. "So, Mr. Do well, you were once a missionary?""Yes." Kane—Why, what makes you think so, since you have become a literary critic? De Sappington—Too suggestive of the first of the month. Every day is dun then.—Munsey'a Weekly. The incident is said by old whalemen to bo without parallel in the annals of whale fishery, and they also add that as the Young Phoenix seems, from the accounts, to be literally dry docked in icebergs, there is bat lit* tie doubt that she will go swinging aronnd the Arctic in intense cold for years, per hup* for centuries, for the very elements th*r» will constitute her protection.—Golden Day*, A Teacher's Tact. "I suppose you had some very interesting experiences among the canibals?" "A number of them.' "Wefrethey hospitably disposed?' Mile. Benay, a French head mistress whs was recently decorated with the Legion of Honor, treated the dignity which had been conferred on her in a very graceful manner. Addressing her pupils, she said: "My children, the work you sent to the exhibition has been appreciated as it deserved it be. Ths government, not being able to reward yoa ill, has wished that I should wear this little red ribbon to keep in memory your success. You will see it every day, and if you ars ever inclined to relax your efforts it will remind you that you owo it to yourselves to show yourselves ever worthy of your decoration. " The children understood the meaninf of their teacher's little speech and cheered en thusiasticallv. Ne-» York Telegram. Too Farfetched. Contributor (to editor)—Do you think this joke too farfetched? —- "Return y our uniltrella!!!"— "Well, they frequently seemed very anxious to invite me to dinner."—Washington Post. Editor—Where did you get it? Contributor—Out of an English exchange.Last summer, in Paris, on the street 1 saw a man who played the trombone by means of a bullet hole in his mtchea, but I do not think it elevated me and spurred me on to nobler endeavor and made a better man of me, as did this simple hearted young man who made a living by eating publicly through a tin horn, and who actually earned his bread by eating it. I hope that the medical faculty will make his case a study and try to do better next time. That is the only moral I can think of in connection with this story, five to On. Settling Scores. It is said to bo a prevailing delusion amonj English tourists that the natives of foreign countries are guilty of peculiar stupidity in aot understanding the English language. Sometimes, however, even those who were not born "bold Britons" attain a linguistic advantage. Burly Countryman (squaring off before dentist who has just extracted a tooth after breaking it three times)—Well, mister, you've made a mighty bungling job o' that, and I'm going to say to you what you just said to me. Editor—I think it is; England's quite a distance from here, you know.—West Shore. Stif* Children In Demand. "The salaries of the precocious cliilr dren who make hits on the stage," said a theatrical manager yesterday, "run fron $100 to $300 a week. I understand that it it* $300 which is to be paid to Elsie Leslie lor each of the four weeks during whitjh she is to play 'The Prince and th« Pauper' at the New Park theatre. She did Dot earn less than that when sh4 played 'Little Lord Faunjtleroy,' and Tommy Russell figured up evenly with her on the salary roll while he was alternating in the character. I don't suppose that that smart child, Marguerite Fields, takes anything below $100 for what she is doing in 'Roger la Honte.' Looks like a fortune, doesn't it? But the fact is that there are unbounded opportunities for children who can act. I know of three good plays that are held in managers' hands now, just because there are great parts in them for children, and the children competent to do the work can't be found."— Philadelphia Inaiiirer. "Not feeling well, dear boy?" Exhaustive Labor. "Oh, a little bwain fag, you know. That's all. I've adopted a course of mental exercise." Two English travelers in the east one day entered the shop of a Jew, who, though he ■poke several other languages, had but a ■light acquaintance with English. On hii failure to make the Jew understand what he wanted, one of the travelers said carelessly to the other: "The old fool doesn't speak English." Dentist (alarmed)—What's that? Burly Countryman—Let's have it out. —Burlington Free Press. from ut«t» to u«y. "What do you do?"' An anecdote of a startling character U related by Mrs. Collis in her book, "A Woman's War Record," just published It is intended to illustrate the recklessness which took possession of men when every day brought them face to face with death. It was at a ball given during the winter at headquarters. "Well do I remember," writes Mrs. Oollis, "expressing my sympathy to a distinguished cavalry general for the loss of his only son, to which the gallant sabreur responded: 'Yes, madame, very sad I very sad I He was tlio last of his race. Do you waltxf And away he went to the exhilarating music of a dashing galop, leaving all melancholy far behind him." Kill Them First. "I count a hundred evewy day."— Washington Poet. Mrs. Bascom—Isn't it dreadful, the tortures that are inflicted on poor dumb animals by these vivisectionists? A Great Freak. "Have you the currency with you to make the trade all cash?" asked the agent. Unfortunately, thLi remark came nithin the radius of the Jew's comprehension, and drew from him the following questions: "Do you spik Italian I" ''No," answered both. "Do you spik Grikf" "No." "Do you spik Turk I" "No." "Do you spik Spanish** "No." "Do you spik Fw vctif' "No." "This aiii't a dwarf I He's over five feet tall." Puck. Mrs. Backlot—Awful! If they've got to vivisect 'em, why can't they at least have the mercy to kill the poor critters first, I'd like to know?—Burlington Free Press. "That's the great tiling about him. He is the tallest dwarf it) the world.''—New York Sun. D "Yes, sir, I have the whole $500 in currency," said my friend, drawing himself up to his full height and putting his cigar back a little farther in his cheek. A Sage buried an Atom. The Atom increased in size until it grew bigger than an Egg. "Lo, a Miracle!" cried the multitude. "No, a Turnip," answered the Sage.—Atchison Globe. Condensed Wisdom. "Five hundred dollars!" exclaimed the agent with a low, gurgling laugh; "the lot is $500 per front foot. I didn't suppose you was Pan-American ass enough to think you could get a business lot in Spokane for $500. You can't get a load of sand for your children to play in at that rate." The French "Veuve." More Than Slie Could Stand. Mr. Backstay—Are you going out? Egypt'i Exchange of Hasten. Booker (a seeker after knowledge)— What is the abbreviation "V" which so frequently precedes the names of French ladies? Mrs. Backstay—Yes; I'm much more considerate than tliat Reina-congesto cigar you are smoking.—Judge. Turkey is anxious to resume again her nominal authority over Egypt, and is negotiating for the withdrawal of the British troops, who for some years have played the role of debt collectors on behalf of foreign bondholders. Other countries are compelled to undergo recurrent periods of disaster, but the land of the Kile has had no respite from misfortune since the days when the Pharaohs held the Jem in captivity. The history of Egypt ii qrT" lojig ihibroken recoi*of tragedy and oppreSfenT Nearly every dominant nation af Europe and A*a has canfped on the fertile plains of the unhappy land and held the natives in bondage. Might and greed have wrung from the luckless tiller of the soil the last copper his ceaseless labor has* brought him, and the work of spoliation still goes on as briskly today as in the centuries past. ' Egypt under the English protectorate has not fared badly, but when she again passes beneath the Turkish yoke the fellaheen will probably answer with an emphatic negative the query, "Is life worth living!" Extreme Politeness In Street Car. Lady—Pardon me, sir, I fear my foot trod upon yours. 4 Gentleman—No apologies, madam. ] wouldn't mind a little tiling like that.— National Weekly. Jumbler (who knows it all)—Why, don't you know? It stands for "vidder." —Chicago Times. Then, after a pause for preparation, th* old man ejaculated energetically: "Me one time fool; you Ave times fool.*- Youth's Companion. A peculiar institution called an international military academy has recently been established at Berlin. Ostensibly it is for the benefit of officers of foreign armies who may desire to seek military instruction from a German standpoint. The academy was begun by private parties, but the government has taken it under itc patronage. A full report of the workings of (he institution has been made to the French military authorities, but it is not learned that any French officers have as yet applied to the academy for instruction, nor is anything said as to the nationality of the itudents in the institution.— Ban Francisco Ciror.icle. A Military Academy. Puzzled for a While. Spooner—Will you marry me? Kate—I will certainly knot.—Boston Herald. Earned Shelter. We have been riding on the cars today, and ever and anon the blue water gladdens the eye, the dark pines soughing in the quiet air, and far away in solemn grandeur, the grandeur of eternal silence, knowing a heap yet giving nothing away, we see old Mount Tacoma. When we get over to Seattle we will have to call it-Mount Rainier or go away from there. I've forgotten at what point on the road you have to change time and call it Rainier, but I shall try to be safe and talk about the climate till I find out about it. Why She Broke the Engagement. Maud—What made you break off your engagement with young Van Numb? A One Armed Printer. "So old Skinflint is dead, eh? Wlio'Jl get his fortune?" The Man Who Gets It. An Unpardonable Offense. A one armed printer is as much of a curiosity as the armless man who dexterously handles a knife and fork with his toes. There came to Cincinnati two days ago such a wonder, and he is now working as a "sub" in Thi Enquirer office. His name is Harry Penrod; he is 87 years old, and hails from Washington, where he learned the trade. Six years ago he went out west and there lost his left arm in a railroad accident. Only a short ■tump, extending but a few iuches from the ahoulder, remains. Nothing disheartened by a misfortune that would have rendered most men helpless, Penrod set to work to manage the intricacies of his craft with onn hand, and he succeeded so well that he now sets as big a "string" as the be6t printer, and lie justifies his own matter and does it weli. In "setting" type Penrod places the "stick" on tho case in front of him and then nimbly shoots the type into place, working very rapidly and apparently with as much ease as a man with two handa—Cincinnati Enquirer. Mabel—He wrote "Sweets to the ■weet" on a box of caramels he sent me. -Life. Cr "I don't know. The heirs haven't selected an executor yet."—Lawrence Ameiican. Yesterday as we passed a little red depot 1 saw a young squaw leaning up against the building and crying. As we moved along I saw a plain black coffin, a cheap affair of pine, daubed with walnut stain to make it look still cheaper, I presume. I had never seen an Indian, ev«m a squaw, weeping before, and se the picture remained with me a long time and may for a long time yet to come. I had always read that the Indian never wept, but I have proved that to be wrong. Possibly, however, civilization has affected the noble red man so that the women do the working and weeping while the men do the dnnking and heavy old sledging. TREATING THE FREAK. Cowboy Medicine. Homesick. Here In the south am I, On the southron sandy loam; Beneath a southron sky. But my thoughts are all at home Where Government Clerks Smoke. I met with a medical and surgical curiosity today on the cars. It consisted of a young man who is compelled to take his nourishment through a rubber tube which leads directly into the stomach through the side. I had heard of something like it and in my extensive medical library had read of cases resembling it, but not entirely like it. The conductor, who had shown me a great many little courtesies already, invited me into the baggage car, where he had the young man, in order that I might see him. The government has at lost found a use for that vast inclosed court in the pension build' ing. No one has ever known what it was designed for exc pt to look spacious, and onco in I jur years to give room for the inaagural ball. But it is now converted into a national smoking room. For one hour each day clouds of tobacco smoke curl about the great columns, and the scent of tobacoo permeates the air. Gen. Raura has prohibited smoking in tho pension office during working hours, and to make up to the clerks for the privation has granted them the privilege of this great court as a smoking room during the lunch hour. At midday they march about this tiled hall and mingle the odor of the "twofora" with the fragrance of the quarter Havanas. The penny cigarette mingles its paper smell with the rest. The rules of tho departments have been steadily running the cigar smokers out, and this is the first concession they have had—Washington Letter.  "Tls there my father sits, With his paper on his knee; My mother sews or knits— I know they think of me. Large Petroleum Tank Steamer. HoggenrilTcr—I tells you, fellers, J geds mein revenche fer luggin' dis big tuba 'round all der hot summer, ain'd i:? —Judge. My sister, her music lies. Her hands o'er the key board stray; Tender the look In her eyes, She thinks of her brother away. A large petroleum tank steamer has been launched in England. It was bnilt tor a Persian firm for the transport of petroleum between Baku and Astrakan. The steamer, which is built in two halves, so that it can bcj taken to pieces for the sake of passing through locks, is 353 feet long, 28 feet broad and 11 Feet deep. She carries large steam pumps for the filling and emptying of the vessel. There is also accommodations for passengers both on deck and in a saloon, and electric lights we used entirely.—New York Commert&d Advertiser. My dog, ho whines in the hall. For a sad old dog is he. Waiting in vain my call. For he. too, misses me. Rhyme and Reason. First Messenger Boy—I hear Cully is goin' to be expelled from the Messenger Boys' Labor union. Second M B.—What's he done? F. M. B.—lie i»as caught runnin'.— Puck. THE RHYME. Sweet Stella, fairest of them all. With dainty grace. Mankind should blush with pride to coll Thro of itH race. How dear your every smile of mirth, Each laugh of gleel Far dearer than all else on earth Art thou to me. THE REASON. Coyote Pete—What yer practicin' fer, Ike? Got a grudge ag'in' some one? And my girl—how my pulses stir I For, as the dews of evening fall. Another fellow may be courting her— This makes me more homesick than alt -IJoy L. MeCardell in Puck. Anyway, the common Language of grief made ail the passengers at once relatives of the stricken young Pocahontas, and, as she stood there with her little common sense moccasins, all disheveled and down at the heel, and leaned her dark head against the old red depot with her face hidden in the red and black shawl that an old shirt fnll of blue berries would easily buy, her grief made her graceful, and the smokers in our car mostly let their cigars go out. While not sharing the ultra-catholicity ol the school girl who translated "chacun a son gout" everybody has gout, it is possible to affirm with a certain degree of verity that everybody had been more or less tho victim, not of grippe necessarily, but of the influences that produced the cpidemie. Under their malign sway the cheerful have become Irritable, the irritable melancholy, and the melancholy given oter to nameless sorrow wad leaden eyed despairs. Physicians and laymen alike have ceased to regard as absurd ft disease of such formidable proportions.— New York Medical Journal. Everybody a Victim. Deadly Ike—Naw; but'me pard in thar's got a touch of rheumatic, an' I'm makin' a porous plaster fer him.—Puck. The subject waa a German of about 20 years of age, of dark complexion and phlegmatic temperament. He stood probably about five feet and four inches high in his stocking feet and did not attract me as a person of prominence until the conductor informed me that he ate through the side of hfc yest. Jt seems that about two years ago the boy had some little gastric disturbance from eating a nocturnal watermelon or callow cucumber. As I understand it, he, in an unguarded moment, called a physician who aimed to be his own worst enemy, but who contrived to work in the public on the same basis, using no favoritism whatever. He was a doctor who has since gone into the gibbering industry in alcoholic circles. He bad the previous evening been out late, as he informal his wife, acting as the chairman of a reception committee, selected for the purpose of meeting and showing the proper courtesies to ft brand new ciV ixeu of the United States, bat, as a matter of fact, he had been appointed hf himself to be the custodian of a bright bhie, disorderly jag of greftt potency. So it happened that on the day he was called to the bedside of this pUir.i Juvenile colic, the enexnr he M frV*T» into nis moiitn tne evening Derore naa, as a matter of fact, rilled his pseudo brains, The Haptburgit' Gray Figure. A Trifle at the Seance. In Keeping. "That stone has a tragic history," said a man of jewels as he laid a diamond to rest amid a rest of snowy cotton. "It comes from the Be Beers mines, in South Africa, and was discovered by a coolie employed by the company. His practiced eye saw that the gem was a marvelous one for beauty of color, and a desire to steal it overcame him. Well, he did steal it, and to conceal the diamond about his. person—for the coolies work almost naked in the diamond mines—cut a hole in his flesh under the arm. But the wound did not heal, and the observaut eye of the foreman saw what was the mutter. A few days after ho charged the coolie with having stolen a diamond, but the negro denied it. Story of a Diamond. Apropos of uncanny stories, I heard a rery curious anecdote from a lady connected with tho Austrian court the other day. It seems that before a death occurs in ihe Hapsburg family a gray figure appears three nights running walking along a certain passage in the palace. The tradition is as well known in Vienna as that of tho white lady is in Berlin. Some time ago there was a report that the gray figure had been seen two nights running in the fatal passage. One of the emperor's equerries, providing himself with a pistol, determined to watch on the third night. The figure in due course appearing, the equerry iired and the ghostly visitant shuffled away, leaving very distinct drops of blood behind him as a souvenir of his practical joke. But the strangest part remains te tDe told—within a week of this afluir Prince Rudolf committed suicide.—Pall Mall Gazette. Dora—No, Alfred, I'm not superstitious; but I don't care to sit down with thirteen at the dinner tahle. Plunkett (to tailor)—I want to get a pair of trousers from you. Can you give me something that will go wail with a •ack coat? Mem. for one week: Opera (carriage, etc.). Flowers  Supper (twice)  Confectionery  $17 01 . 15 00 11 50 4 09 Alfred—Well, I am superstitious; but I wouldn't mind that. Saved by HU Eatmjr. Tailor—Oh, yes, what you want with a sack coat is a pair of baggy trousers.— Munsey's Weekly. Total D47 50 A curious incident occurred at the well known Parisian Cafe de la Paix a day or two ago. A Republican deputy, M. Jules Rocha, while breakfasting, was on the point of being choked by a mouthful of bread, and woubl probably have succumbed had not his critical condition lieen noticed by M. de Susini, the fiery Boulangist, and one of M. Roche's most pronounced political enemies, who was having his dejeuner at a neighboring table. M. do Susini, who happens to be a doctor, forgetting all about political differences, hastened to assist the choking deputy, and, having Dora—Mercy! why not? I've never been a Drononnced friend of tne inaian, as tnose wno Know me oest will agree. I have claimed that though he was first to locate in this country he did not develop the lead or do assessment work even, so thing was open to relocation. The white man has gone on and found mineral in places, made a big output, and is still working day and night shifts, while the Indian is shiftless day and night, so far as I have observed, But when we see the poor devils baying oar coffins for their aead, even though ttwy may go very hungry for days afterward, and, as thqy fade away forever as • people, striving to conform to our customs and wear suspenders and join in prayer, common humanity leads us to think solemnly of their melancholy end. And, along with all this, we are led to ask, Why were we endowed with powers and capabilities which enabled us to put the red man to sleep in two Wfeywaatfce red brother left —Washington Poet. Alfred—Becauso if I sat down with thirteen ar a table there would be fourteen all told.—Harper's Bazar. Wanted a Lift. "Can you give a poor fellow a lift?" said the tramp as he stopped at the elevator works. The Australian papers speak of a remarkable hailstorm at Brisbane at tho begirding of last month. The storm lasted twenty minutes, and tho hailstones are described as jagged blocks of ice. One hailstone was ptaked up at South Brisbane, measuring 8K iecbas by '10* Inches. Mrs. Fairbanks—Speaking of my lafe husband, I feel so sad about him! Mrs. Scales—You don't tell me your husband is dead? Far from Dead. A Poultry Show, Anyway. "Well, if that isn't cool gall," said the clerk. "Why don't you go over to the shipyard and ask 'm to give you an ocean greyhound?"—New York Sun. Ambrosia de Vei-e—I cawnt weaw spectacles. They make me look—aw— demure as an owl. Dawn't ye knaw, ] think eyeglasses much more becoming to me. Mrs.. Fairbanks—No; but he is always so late home.—Lowell Citizen. "When Jack, the foreman, reached for his sore arm, the thief made a dastr and ran towards the outskirts of the camp like a deer. The lvreuian followed him, but the fleet toot- A Convenient Memory. Wife—John, I do think you have the best memory in town. "I am lit'le 1 know, but I think I car tlr Dw a weight of a hundred ton." Se par g a mud banana peel But Dr. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets are quite aa powerful in meeting with and overtbro«i-g disease. If you have rush of blood to the brain, dizziness, headache, constipation, fn-'ifcesiion, bilinun""«s, buy a vial of these little piils at once. Oje a dose. Marian Smart—Well, yes. They make you lixik like a goose.—Jeweler's WeeJdy. A Woman's Think. savi il him from certain suffocation, escorted hi::i to tb» chamber. Even French political rivals, it would seem, are not ao bitterly Irreconcilable as is often made out.—London Bepsie—What do you think of Fanny's sealskin? d negro outstrip I overe punishment a waited him If captured, •uid centered all his effort on getting away with the stone, whose value would have made him rich for life. But Jack was eaual to the emergency, and. drawing his pistol, shot the coolie through tne back Just as he was to the hills. His dead body was dnuqnl into camp, his arm ouJ Cpe%jnqdll£ beautiful gem in the rough wi a takisa from the insertion. itk a tragic story, but true as i gospel, and only a aauaptt ot what ha« hapal ai3ij£ii hsiii.z: rrario pad him. He knew that Generous. "Mamma," called little Mamie from the top of the stairs. "What is it?" Jessie—Think it's plash.—Yenowine's News. John—Why so, darling? "Becau-e you never forget to forget the articles I tell you to bring home from down town, never."—Epoch. Figaro. Grade crossings in Chicago in 1880 caused the death of 860 persona The record for the last four years is nearly a thaniaad Uvea Gen. Felix Agnus, of The Baltimore American, says that his watch, a Swiss one, cost $1,000, and inside contains a sea of brilliants. The watch was given to him. He believes it the most valuable in Baltimore. An Ethereal Creator*. "I'm going to bed to-night without saying my prayers." The Personal Equation. "It is a great wonder that Miss Serapha does not take wings and fly away." "That would be very naughty." "I've said my prayers every night this week." De Jinks—Do you think it bad form to smoke ci^aretUa? 8ought for the list hundred years. A remedy for catarrh, hay lover and cold io the head found at last in Ely's Cream Balm. Safe and pleasant to use and easily applied into the nostrils. It gives relief at once and a Or old or young, or grave or gray, Those who now let their teeth decay, With breath we can't endure; The thought their after life will haunt, Thst they reelected Sozodont, That would have kept all pure. Merritt—Not exact!/. The only thing I object to is, that you s.nioke mine all the time.- New York Sun, "Why so?" "Because she is raven haired, dove eyed, swan throated, angel formed and "W«a Washington a polished writer?" "Well, he used to knook, the Engiinh dliy."—Life. •Rah for Papa. "That makes no difference." "But don't you thinir we ought to give the Lord anight oflB^-^ashlngtonPoet. *"fnd pigeon toeO."—Ha* ;TOTDrjm